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Ash opens the door with the key and walks inside the apartment. Eiji calls out his name, but his mind is too busy replaying the scene from a few hours ago to comprehend anything else. He clutches onto his chest and feels his strength leave his body as he collapses on the kitchen floor.
“Ash!” Eiji finally reaches the door, out of breath. He heads towards Ash and crouches to his level and if he wasn’t so distressed himself, he would have noticed the fear in Eiji’s voice. “Listen to me, please.”
He should’ve known that coming to Japan with Eiji would only ruin his life. He knows he is that bad omen people should avoid, but he let himself be convinced that there is a possibility that things could change.
How selfishly, stupidly hopeful of him!
“Ash, be angry all you want, but please just look at me.” Eiji pleads.
He doesn’t want to. All he wants to do is run away.
A few hours ago, they landed in Japan. Eiji wanted him to meet his sister. He had asked and informed Ash almost a month ago. A time was decided - when Eiji’s mother wouldn’t be home. And yet luck was never on their side.
It may have been fifteen minutes or less than that before Eiji’s mother came into her house and saw her daughter and son in conversation with a stranger. Watching Eiji beside him enraged her and she bombarded her hate on them in her native language.
Ash’s grasp on Japanese wasn’t as firm as he’d wished to comprehend what that woman was saying. He blindly followed Mizuki out of the room to another, leaving Eiji alone with his mother. But the paper-thin walls weren’t enough to block the noise.
Shitsubō.
He heard that word so many times that he looked it up. Ash sat there with his knees to his chest, feeling his rapidly increasing heartbeat ringing in his ears as Eiji sat through hours of being called a disappointment over and over.
He rubbed his face with his hands and hoped that time would pass faster than it did. He wished he could hear Eiji’s voice, but he remained dead silent throughout the outbreak.
It's him; he's the reason Eiji has to suffer so much. Again .
At some point, Mizuki bought him something to eat. She tried to keep up a small conversation, but Ash could vividly see her trembling every time her mother hit some surface to illustrate her point.
Ash didn’t know how long he sat there. His limbs felt numb when he heard the main door close with force a few hours later. He took a few moments to stabilize his anxious emotions before heading out of his confinement.
“I’m sorry, niichan . I swear I didn’t know okasan was going to be here.” Mizuki cried in her brother’s arms.
Ash stopped before entering the room, not wanting to disturb that moment between the siblings.
“I know, I know. You don’t need to get worried about it.” Soft sounds of Eiji patting her back reached his ears. “So don’t cry now.”
The sliding door that separated them made Ash realize that he should be kept away from them lest he wished to destroy their peace.
“Ash, talk to me, please.” The desperation in Eiji’s voice brings him back to reality.
“What do you want me to say?” He sounds defeated when he finally responds. He gets up and moves into the living room.
“Don’t be like that,” Eiji pleads, following him.
“ What do you want me to say?! ” His voice is louder than he intends it to be. He doesn’t want to have this conversation. Someone stop him. Please . “Was all of that not enough? What were you hoping that I’d say after that -” He stops, unable to maintain his composure.
“I’m sorry you had to see all that-”
Ash rubs his face with a frustrated sigh. He doesn’t know how to form sentences to explain that Eiji was not the one at fault here. He turns around and walks toward the window. “I should have never come here.” He mutters under his breath.
“What?” The hurt in Eiji’s voice is evident; Ash doesn’t even have to look into his eyes.
“I said this was the stupidest thing I have ever believed in - to think that all of me and all the hatred I bring with me will magically change because of a change of location. I am and will always remain a-”
“ Stop! ” Eiji matches his previous volume. Ash finally turns to look him in the eye; the devastation that he feels in his heart has taken over his face. Neither of the two is level-headed enough to continue with their argument. “Do you know my parents better than me?”
“No-”
“Exactly. You don’t know anything. So don’t assume.”
Silence engulfs the room like a warm blanket on the hottest day of summer. Ash can’t bear to face him - he is already regretting this argument - and, maybe, Eiji turns and looks away too. A few minutes pass with both of them stuck where they are standing before Eiji mutters fuck this under his breath and heads out of the apartment. Ash is not sure why - if he was so angry - he did not bang the door on his way out. He probably hears Eiji say he will be back soon.
Ash heads towards the couch and sits closest to the window, staring out.
Guilt falls over him like heavy rainfall on a cold night - numbing his being and his mind. His thoughts automatically wander to the scar on Eiji’s abdomen from the gunshot wound. He is the reason Eiji has suffered through all that undeserving pain.
He brings his knees up to his chest, resting his head on his knees. His heart throbs inside his ribcage, wishing he could undo his mistakes and stop hurting people for once.
The ring of his phone breaks his trance.
“What the hell, Ash,” Max starts as if he’s scolding him. “You didn’t even call to tell me you’ve reached safely! Was I to just assume-”
“Sorry,” Ash responds in a small voice.
Max is silent for a second. “Is everything okay? Are you alright?”
Ash sighs. He doesn’t want to talk about it but doesn’t want to cut the call either. “Eiji and I fought.”
The line goes quiet again - longer this time. “I… did not expect that.” The clanking of kitchen utensils disrupts their conversation momentarily; he is probably making himself a cup of coffee. “Tell me. What were you two fighting about?”
And so Ash spills the story, fiddling with the threads of his ripped jeans all the while. For a split second, Ash wonders if it’s as uncomfortable and awkward for Max to listen to him rant as it is for him to pour his heart out.
Max listens to him patiently. He doesn’t speak till Ash has spoken his part.
“I - help me out with this - I want to understand why you both fought,” Max states after his explanation.
“What is there to not understand?” Ash gets up from his seat and paces back and forth to ease his agitation.
Max hums as if he’s trying to frame his answer. “I just think you got ahead of yourself to conclude that you were the problem in that situation. I don’t know. You just heard some words. What do you know about Eiji’s mother?”
“I-” He pauses his pacing. “I don’t know much. Actually-”
Ash searches through every corner of his memory to find times when Eiji spoke of his mother when a sudden realization hits him: he doesn’t talk about his mother as much as the rest of his family. And the only times that he did talk about her, his voice lacked the warmth with which he spoke of his father and sister.
“No… I don’t know.”
Max sighs. “Okay, let's keep that aside for a moment. How is Eiji doing? He must be hurt, right? Since it was his mom and all - and going with your assumption - they are close. Is he okay?”
Ash stops in his tracks.
Fuck!
He never asked him that!
He was so eager to blame himself for everything that he forgot what was of prime importance to him. And to top it off, they even had a fight after that.
How pathetic and selfish of him to argue about a trivial matter when Eiji was suffering.
He cuts the call without thinking - he'll text Max later. He’s overcome with the urge to apologize immediately.
But Eiji left like that…
Should he call or should he give Eiji his space?
What is the right thing for him to do?
So Ash paces around the living room - again - observing the wall clock every few seconds. He chews on the inside of his cheek as he thinks of an appropriate apology.
But what if Eiji hates him? It’s only fitting if he does. And if he does, Ash will not be so selfish to think he deserves forgiveness.
But if he would be allowed to talk to him just once, he would just ask him that question.
Are you okay? What do I do to help?
With every passing second, he despises himself a little more. For a moment, he ponders if Eiji will even want to come back. There is no reason for him to - apart from the fact that it is his apartment where they were to stay from now on.
The delicate sound of jingling keys brings his attention to the door. He never thought that the silhouette - Ash didn’t realize when he turned off the lights in his trance - of a person could bring him so much relief.
“Eiji?” He calls out quietly, afraid of causing ripples in calm water.
Eiji looks up at him, but he can’t guess what his expression is at that moment.
“Eiji?” He calls again, shortening the distance between them yet not enough that he can reach him.
“Wait,” Eiji answers - finally - shutting the door behind him, his back facing Ash.
Ash waits impatiently. He hears a click sound - which he guesses - of a lighter.
Eiji turns around, holding a cupcake with a candle burning on top of it. The light illuminates his face and Ash sees a small smile gracing it. “Sorry, I tried to find a cake, but there are no bakeries in our area that are open now.”
Ash blinks and stares at him, not understanding the meaning of the gesture. “Um…?”
There’s an expectant glimmer in Eiji’s eyes when he pushes the cupcake toward Ash.
They stay like that for a few awkward seconds before Eiji breaks the silence.
“Ash, what date is it today?” Eiji asks, unamused.
Ash frantically begins checking his pockets to find his phone when Eiji fishes out his own and clicks the screen awake.
00:30, 12th August .
He foolishly blinks at the screen, trying to make sense of the situation.
Eiji sighs. “How can you forget your own-”
And then it hits him. “ Oh! ”
That smile is back on his face. “Yes. Oh .” He playfully punches Ash’s shoulder. “Happy Birthday, idiot.”
Ash blushes. “How was I supposed to know? We were fighting just now!”
“Those are two separate things. I will celebrate your birthday no matter what fallacy we indulge in.”
“How am I supposed to know that ?” Ash mutters under his breath.
“Now you know,” Eiji replies softly. He holds the cupcake closer to Ash’s face. “Make a wish and blow out the candle.”
“I can’t think of a wish right now. Help me out.”
“I can’t either.” Eiji chuckles. “Let’s pretend you wished for something nice.”
Ash blows on the candle, covering the room in darkness again. Eiji moves to turn on the light, but he requests against it; Eiji doesn’t question his choice.
“Birthday hug?” Eiji asks, opening his arms. He doesn’t need to be told twice.
Pressed together, Ash feels the rhythm of Eiji’s heartbeats, he feels the softness of the NoriNori t-shirt he wore on the flight, how his chin rests perfectly in the crook of Eiji’s neck. Eiji doesn’t let him go, holding him close, unwilling to let this moment end.
He peels them away after the smallest time interval known to man and Ash barely keeps his whine at bay.
“Here, all yours,” Eiji says, handing him the cupcake.
Ash takes it and walks towards the window, monitoring it under the moonlight. “Where did you even find it at this hour?”
"Vending machine,” Eiji answers casually - as if that is the answer to everything - taking a seat beside him. “Eat it. They are the exact kind of sweet you love.”
Ash takes a small experimental bite after examining the cupcake in his hand. It melts right in his mouth. He can’t help but smile when the sugar blesses his tongue with its sweet taste. Eiji chuckles at his reaction.
“Liked it?”
Ash nods his approval enthusiastically. “Is it okay if I don’t eat it now? I don’t have an appetite at the moment.” He hesitantly asks his question.
Eiji just shrugs. “You can do whatever you want with it. Eat it whenever you want.”
Ash turns to place the cupcake atop the coffee table behind him.
They silently watch the moon through the window. Ash tries to think of a way to start a conversation and apologize for his grave mistake and mistreatment, but Eiji beats him to it.
“Ash?” Eiji’s voice sounds so incredibly low that all the warning bells start ringing in Ash’s head. “I’m sorry for fighting with you on your birthday.” He looks down at his hands, twiddling with his thumbs as Ash gapes at him.
“Why are you apologizing? It was not even your fault!” He draws in a sharp breath before continuing. “In fact, it was all my fault for reacting that way-”
“It’s only natural that you would-”
“No. No. I didn’t pay attention to you.” He suddenly doesn’t know how to proceed with the conversation. “I heard what your mother said. I also tried to understand some of it. I just - I’m sorry.”
Eiji tenderly reaches for his hand, covering it with his own. “If you’re worried that I was hurt, then you’re wrong.”
“You’re just saying.”
Eiji shakes his head. “Why would I do that?” He sighs. “I’m sorry that I never talked about her as much. It’s not because - well, let’s just say we don’t get along well.”
His voice is a whisper when he speaks next. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“No. It’s okay. I’ll brief you about her, to avoid such situations in the future.” Eiji musters a smile when he faces him. “Let’s reserve the longer version for some other time.”
Ash gently moves closer to him, listening to him intently.
Eiji sighs. “Basically, my mother is homophobic. I never knew she would react this way when I first came out to her, mostly because I believed she loved me. At first, she thought it was some silly joke that her son was making just to torture her. I didn’t know how to clarify those misunderstandings - I was scared. That was until she came to know about me liking guys herself. One of her friends saw me with a guy I had a crush on in school. The funny part is that we didn’t even do anything that would fuel that sort of suspicion; I was just hanging out with him.”
Eiji draws in a shaky breath, and Ash feels that betrayal in his lungs as well.
“And then I was like a different person to her. I tried to change. I convinced myself that I was too quick to analyze myself and maybe my preferences would change in the future.”
Eiji sighs and lays down on the floor and Ash copies his actions. “But that didn’t happen and here we are now. To sum up, my mother would have reacted that way to any guy I would’ve walked in with.” He turns to face Ash. “So don’t worry about anything. None of this was your fault.”
His mind strongly disagrees with Eiji’s reasoning.
The child in him died at six. He is all loath, rage, revenge. A disgusting, lowlife being that should barely be classified as human.
He is the reason that Eiji has a bullet scar on his abdomen. He is the reason why Eiji had to go back to his country in a wheelchair.
He will never not be at fault.
“Ash?” Eiji calls his name when he doesn’t respond.
His lips stretch into a small smile.
His mind could try to argue, but Eiji wouldn’t let it win.
“What?”
“I’m sorry you had to see that.”
“You don’t have to be -”
“And - oh, my god - I’m so sorry this happened on your birthday!”
“Technically, it wasn’t-”
Eiji sits up with a start. “This is terrible. I’m so sorry, Ash. How could I - I’m so -”
“Eiji, stop!” Ash pleads, sitting beside him. “None of this was your fault as well. If your mother was going to say that to you regardless of the guy you walked in with, you couldn’t have stopped it either. Besides,” he places his hand atop Eiji’s and squeezes it, “do you really think I care about my birthday that much?”
"That's worse! Why won't you care about your birthday?" Eiji asks with wide, horrified eyes.
"Just 'cause." He jokes which agitates Eiji even more. "Can I hug you?" Ash asks before Eiji starts lecturing him.
"You don't have to ask," he answers, his voice suddenly tender.
"I'm going to ask until I'm assured I don't have to. So please, answer every time."
Eiji smiles. "Okay. Hug me."
Ash leans, embracing Eiji's side.
"I don't remember celebrating my birthdays. I'm sure Griffin and I used to have fun and I'm sure he tried to do something special on that day. Unfortunately, those memories are hazy."
Ash rests his head on Eiji's shoulder while the latter holds his arm close to his chest.
"There was one time, I remember. Skipper wanted to celebrate. Bones tried to bake a cake and miraculously ended up burning the place down."
Eiji laughs as he imagines the scenario in his head. Ash smiles along.
"It may sound funny now, but that incident ended up on the news saying that we were trying to instigate a gang war, and that burnt wall was sort of a warning."
"Oh no," Eiji laughs.
"We had to vacate that place unless we wished for bloodshed."
Eiji is silent then, but maintains a polite smile. "What about the rest?"
Other birthdays were either spent tied to Dino's bed or running from one city to another, changing disguises and identities, saving his life. "Nothing worth mentioning."
Eiji droops. Ash bites the corner of his lip as Eiji falls deeper into his pit of self-despair.
Eiji catches him staring. He is too flustered to spew anything but cohesive bullshit.
He slowly withdraws from the hug and resumes his pointless observation of the moon, trying to act cool. Eiji gazes at him intently, all the while.
"If this blunder - which, just to clarify, neither of us was accountable for - bothers you so much, we can celebrate my birthday tomorrow."
The moonlight will never be victorious over the gleam in Eiji's eyes. "We can?" Ash nods and he has the biggest smile on his face. "I'm making an itinerary right now!"
Ash chuckles fondly and lays down again. He never expected the way things turned out through the course of the night. It was a tortuously long surprise.
"I thought you were done with me for good after that fight."
"I did not spend one whole year trying to convince you to come with me to be 'done with you' after a petty argument. You have a long way to go to annoy me."
“Well, it’s only natural for me to think so if you just leave like that.”
Eiji stops typing on his phone. “I’m sorry. I was just too angry to talk.” He turns to face Ash. “I’m sorry if it worried you.”
“Stop apologizing already!” Ash playfully kicks his back. He slaps Ash’s foot away and resumes planning the perfect itinerary on his phone.
“Can I ask you one question, then?” Eiji asks after a moment’s pause, not looking up from his phone.
“Shoot.”
“Do you really regret coming here? Be honest with me.”
Ash puts his hand up and examines its shape under the soft light of the moon. “My only regret is that I’m going to be a burden to you for a long, long while.”
“You’re not a burden. I never saw you as one.”
“I know.” Ash withdraws his hand and twines his fingers on his chest, twiddling with his thumbs. “I hope one day I’ll believe it too.”
Eiji looks back at him, smiling earnestly. “I can wait.”
His gaze softens in answer. “I hope I don’t keep you waiting for long then.”
Eiji clicks his phone screen shut and occupies the space beside Ash and they turn so that they're facing each other.
"Wait, I almost forgot. I got you something." He searches through his back pocket and pulls out a keychain with a wooden cat. He attaches it to a key and hands it to Ash. "Welcome to our apartment."
He holds it as if it's made of fragile glass. He caresses the curves and indentations on the wood-carved cat.
This is his new beginning - a reincarnation. He is no longer Ash Lynx, the criminal. He is just Ash with no attributes attached to him. He has yet to discover how to live his life without running and hiding or pleasing people in their beds, but he’ll learn. He’ll learn it for all the people who wanted him to have a second chance at life.
"Thank you. I love it."
Ash turns on his back and smiles to himself, holding the cat close to his heart.
He thinks about their confession on the cab ride to Eiji’s house to meet his sister, the argument in his apartment and now the little cat resting on his chest. Everything feels unreal.
"We fight like a married couple," Ash remarks without thinking, snorting to himself.
"Married couple?" Eiji asks, smirking with his brow raised. "Are we already married in your mind? We just confessed our feelings this evening!"
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. The memory of those solemn words paints his cheeks red. "Shut up." But Eiji just laughs. " Shut up, Eiji! "
"What type of flowers have you chosen for our wedding?" He wheezes.
"You want to hear it in Japanese? Urusai !"
It's hot in Japan when he lands there.
There is a cab waiting for them to take them to Eiji's house. With each breath he breathes in this land, his heart thumps louder in his chest if only to remind him that he is really doing this.
Ash busies himself by drowning in the beautiful scenery and familiarizing himself with the place where he will be staying now.
"Ash? I don't mean to disturb you, but I just want to tell you something."
Ash raises his brow inquisitively.
"I like you. As in, romantically." He doesn’t look into Ash’s eyes, choosing to focus on the drawstrings on his joggers instead. “I just wanted you to know since we are going to live together, and I don’t want you to feel as if I’ve kept something from you. If it weirds you out, we can maybe figure a way out - I don’t know.” There is a distinct shyness in his bold proclamation. He just confessed his feelings to Ash. Just like that.
Ash feels the heat rise to his cheeks. He is not prepared yet!
Taking a leap of faith, he decides he might as well lay his heart bare as Eiji did. Agreeing with his point, Ash doesn’t want to keep any secrets either.
“I -” Wait, how do you form words again? “The feeling is mutual,” Ash whispers, looking out the window.
“What?” Eiji asks, mostly because he couldn’t hear what Ash said.
He looks - glares - at Eiji. “I. Like. You. Too.” He confesses through gritted teeth. He is awful at this!
But Eiji looks at him with concern painted on his face. “Ash, are you okay? Your face is all red! I told you Japan’s heat is no joke!” He scolds, searching for a bottle in his bag.
Ash stares at him, unable to process the situation. Did he get rejected? But Eiji confessed his feelings first! This doesn’t make any sense! Where is his answer?!
Ash grabs Eiji by his shoulder, jostling him. “Did you hear a word I said?”
Eiji blinks before shaking his head sheepishly. “What did you say?”
“Forget it.” Ash feels his entire face burn with embarrassment. Of course, this happened to him!
“Come on, tell me! Please?” Eiji begs, pulling him by his arm.
When Ash turns to look at Eiji’s face and the grin that he’s unable to control, that’s when he understands. He frees his arm and takes Eiji in a headlock.
“You asshole! You heard me the first time, didn’t you?”
“Can you blame me? I just never thought this would happen. I just want to hear it again for confirmation.”
“Is it really that unbelievable?”
“Kinda?”
He releases Eiji while the latter makes a show of nursing his neck. “Fine. Listen carefully, then. I like you. I have for a while now.” He is only half aware of his words, letting his heart take the lead and putting his brain to rest for once. “I feel safe when I’m with you. I love to see you smile and lately, I’ve become so greedy that I want to see all of your smiles. I wish it was easier to express in words, but I can only keep repeating. I like you so, so much.”
Eiji listens to him with wide eyes.
“Oh my god, you really just said that to my face,” He turns towards the window. “I’m going to need a while to process all of that.”
Ash flips a metaphorical table in his head. “Why is it so difficult for you to give me a normal response?!” He bristles, punching Eiji in the back.
Eiji holds his wrists. “I’ve dreamt of confessing my feelings to you but I expected you to accept.” He smiles and Ash feels himself melting. “It’s just so unbelievable.”
Ash huffs, crossing his legs and resting his chin on his hand, away from Eiji’s general direction. “Now what? What happens next? If you are unaware - which I doubt - you are the first person I’ve had romantic feelings for. I have textbook knowledge, but I am, overall, inexperienced in this field.”
The driver announces that they’ve reached. Eiji gets out first and opens the door for him.
“That’s okay. We can figure this out, one step at a time.”