Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Awfully fucking bold of you to bring a book to this thing.”

“Hmm?” Stede marked his place with an index finger and looked up at the man who had flopped into the adjacent chair, mildly surprised at the interruption. The man seemed familiar: long dark curls shot through with silver, close-cropped salt and pepper beard, warm brown eyes fringed by impossibly long lashes. Ah! He was a friend of Lucius and Pete’s new partner, Fang.

“I’m just sayin’, that Lucius guy seems like the type to tear it out of your hands and tell you he’s doing it for your own good.” He lifted a bottle of beer to his lips and took a sip, offering Stede a view of a tawny arm decorated with an impressive number of tattoos.

Oh,” Stede chuckled. He slid the closest thing at hand, a cocktail napkin, between the pages, closing the book and setting it aside. “Yeah. I didn’t really want to come tonight, but Lucius insisted. Something about me needing to get out more,” he said, enunciating the air quotes. “So, I said fine, but I was bringing a book, and if he didn’t leave me alone about it, I’d force him to listen to dad-rock at work for the next week.”

“That’s fucking diabolical.”

Stede’s mouth curled into a smug smile. “It is. But,” he waved a hand dismissively, “I’m just being a Negative Nancy. I’m really very happy for Lucius and Pete; Fang seems to be an absolute delight, and they make a lovely couple, er, throuple… polycule?” He frowned as he searched for the right term. “It’s just that my divorce was finalized a couple days ago, and I could just do without the reminder that I can’t even manage to hold onto one partner.” 

“Well, I’ll fucking drink to that. Trying to pick up the pieces myself.” The man tipped his bottle toward Stede. 

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Stede raised his glass of wine in return. 

The man just shrugged. “It’s probably for the best. It wasn’t the healthiest relationship.” 

Stede hummed in acknowledgement.

They fell into a comfortable silence, sipping their drinks while they watched Fang and Pete play pool, a tipsy Lucius cheering them on from a nearby barstool. 

“Do you ever feel like you’re just treading water? Waiting to drown?” the man suddenly asked. 

Stede slowly nodded. “Yes. I very much have felt that way.”

The man turned to Stede, and looked at him, really looked at him. Then he smiled faintly and stuck his hand out. “I’m Ed.” 

“Stede,” Stede said, returning Ed’s handshake with a small smile of his own.

“So, Stede,” Ed said in a blatant attempt to change the subject, “what’re you reading? Just know that I will judge you based on your literary choices.”

Stede froze. Less than a minute ago, he’d been buoyant at the notion that he’d met a fellow lonely heart, someone who understood him. Now, he was weighed down with the suggestion that he was to be the object of ridicule once again. 

The teasing smile dropped from Ed’s face. “Oh, mate, I’m just kidding.” He reached out a tentative hand. “I do have strong opinions about books, but I’m not a complete dick.” 

Oh. 

Ed’s intention wasn’t to mock him or put him in his place. No, Ed was trying to lighten the mood with some friendly teasing as he shifted the conversation to something less maudlin.

Stede released the tension he’d been holding and gave Ed a little half-smile. “Sorry. It just caught me off-guard.”

“Nah. You’ve only known me for,” Ed checked his phone, “less than ten minutes. I should probably tone it down a little bit.”

“No, Ed.” Stede held out a hand. “Don’t change anything for me. I really was just caught off-guard. Getting judged is a normal occurrence for me. It’s just usually passive-aggressive, not, um, direct.”

“That’s fucked up, mate.” Ed looked Stede up and down, his brow knitted together in contemplation. “What the fuck are they judging?” he said absently.

“Uh…”

“Bunch of twatwaffles,” he said with a small shake of his head. “Anyway,” he clapped his hands once, “let’s see it. What d’you have over there?”

“Well, now I don’t know if I want to show you,” Stede said with exaggerated skepticism.

Ed grinned mischievously. “Why? Is it porn?” He narrowed his eyes. “Did you bring erotic literature to a group outing in a public place? He gasped and clutched imaginary pearls. “Stede Middle-name Last-name, are you trying to ‘feel God in this Chili’s tonight’?”

It took a monumental effort for Stede to keep a straight face. “First of all, Ed, this is Spanish Jackie’z, not Chili’s.”

Ed lost it, a pleasant rumble that bubbled up from deep in his chest and spilled out as body-shaking laughter.

“Are you finished?” Stede asked, clenching his jaw in a last-ditch attempt to not laugh. He couldn’t stop the corners of his mouth from twitching though.

Ed swallowed down his laughter, but one look at Stede undid him all over again. “‘This is Spanish Jackie’z, not Chili’s’!” he choked out before promptly dissolving into giggles. “ That’s what you took away from that?!”

That ripped away the remaining tatters of Stede’s self-control, and he burst into a fit of laughter to match Ed’s.

Before long, they fell into easy conversation. Stede was reading The Grace of Kings, the first book in a fantasy silkpunk series, which led to Ed pulling up his Goodreads account to recommend Children of Blood and Bone. Naturally, that prompted Stede to pull up his own Goodreads list so the two of them could compare notes. Stede practically fizzed with happiness upon discovering that he and Ed had similar literary interests and shared many of the same opinions. Ed really was a kindred spirit!

As was bound to happen, the conversation eventually turned to Stede’s and Ed’s respective divorce and break-up. 

Stede told Ed about how he and Mary had been married for eleven years, how he’d been a bit of a workaholic the last couple of years, but Mary hadn’t complained, just kept herself occupied with her hobbies and friends. How he knew their marriage wasn’t ideal, but he thought they were fine. That was until she had strode into his study one evening and told him she wanted a divorce. She’d been seeing her painting instructor, Doug, for a few months. She’d said she wasn’t going to spend the rest of her life miserable, trapped in a loveless marriage when she could be with someone she loved and who loved her.

“Fuck, man. That’s harsh,” Ed said.

“Honestly, she wasn’t wrong. She was just brave enough to say it first.”

“Still.”

“No, Ed. We didn’t love each other. Not like that. And once the initial shock wore off, I was actually kind of relieved.”

Ed told Stede about how he and CJ had been on-again, off-again for years. How every time they broke up, his friends reminded him just how toxic their relationship was. How CJ always managed to convince him that breaking up had been a mistake. How the last time, it really seemed like CJ had changed, wanted something more serious. So, in spite of everyone telling him it was a bad idea, he and CJ had moved in together. 

“D’you wanna know how I found out CJ had been cheating?”

“Only if that’s something you want to share.”

“I was running late for work and grabbed the wrong phone on my way out the door. By the time I got to the shop, CJ had gotten a handful of sexts and three dick pics.”

“Oh my gosh. Were they–”

“All different dicks? Yeah. I did some digging and it turns out CJ’d been cheating for months with multiple people.”

“Oh, Ed, I’m so sorry.”

“It hurt like a bitch, but it was what I needed to finally end things with CJ for good.”

Stede felt pretty confident that he knew why Mary had sought out a relationship with another man. He was a terrible husband who had never quite gotten the hang of marriage. But he found it utterly baffling that anyone would cheat on Ed. They’d only been hanging out for a few hours, but it was obvious to him that whoever ended up with Ed would be one lucky lady. Not only was Ed an objectively attractive man, he had a wonderful personality to boot – smart, funny, and kind. A hopeless romantic. Clearly this CJ woman didn’t know a good thing even though she’d had it in her grasp. 

Well. 

She didn’t deserve someone like Ed anyway.

***************

Ed gave Stede’s door two quick raps and walked in without waiting for an answer. 

“Hey, mate!” he called as he toed off his shoes, “I brought wings! And I made sure Roach went light on the sauce just in case we want to throw them at the TV if Vicki or Tamra start talking shit.”

Sometime during their marathon conversation at the bar Stede discovered that Ed had never seen a single episode of the Real Housewives franchise. (“Never, Ed? Well, we need to fix that post haste.”) He’d deemed it absolutely unacceptable and invited Ed over after work the very next day to watch one (or six) of the original Orange County episodes. 

Ed quickly learned that the sweet, dorky man he’d spent hours talking to the previous night had a massive bitchy streak. He’d get a twinkle in his eyes and his mouth would curve into a smirk. Then he’d let loose with some sort of catty barb or passive-agressive commentary. It just made him that much hotter in Ed’s eyes. Halfway through the second episode, Stede said something particularly snarky, and Ed wanted to kiss him about it. 

But he didn’t. Because he was a grown-ass man with the ability to control his urges, damn it.

He liked Stede, liked being around him, liked listening to him talk, liked the way his nose scrunched up when he laughed. They were right at the start of their relationship, whatever that turned out to be, and he was determined to not ruin it before it even had a chance. Plus, Stede needed time to work through what sounded like some complicated shit regarding his marriage and divorce. And while Ed thought he felt fine about ending things with Jack for good, he wanted to be sure. Jack was especially skilled at playing on Ed’s worst insecurities and said some absolutely vile things during their fight. He didn’t want to take his feelings out on Stede unintentionally and mess everything up.  

No, what he wanted was to spend every moment with Stede, and it seemed like Stede was maybe feeling the same. They very quickly fell into a daily routine that started with a good morning text and continued with random messages sent throughout the day. After work, Ed would come over to Stede’s (or Stede would go to Ed’s) for dinner and a few episodes of Real Housewives. Whichever one had made the drive back to their apartment would text the other that he was home safe, and the conversation would continue as they went through their nighttime routines, usually pausing mid-chat when one of them fell asleep until the next morning. 

“Be out in a sec,” Stede called from his bedroom. “Make yourself comfortable. Oh! Did you know that yesterday was our one month friend-iversary?”

Ed smiled. “A month, mate? Really? Seems like we’ve been friends forever.”

Of course he knew they’d met a month ago. There was no way he’d ever forget something that important. Just like he wouldn’t forget how one month ago today Stede greeted him at the door, excitedly welcoming him to “Ed’s Real Housewives Miseducation Extravaganza” before ushering him inside. 

It had been the best fucking month of his life, actually. Stede was fascinating, an absolute lunatic, and Ed had been hooked from the start. He was also determined not to fuck up their friendship by doing something inappropriate. He constantly reminded himself to be on his best behavior in Stede’s presence. 

Keep your hands to yourself. Be friendly but not overly flirty. Take. It. Slow.

He managed to follow his self-imposed rules for all of three days, which was, frankly, torture. Stede was so fucking adorable, and Ed was falling fast. He was definitely not God’s strongest soldier, but he probably could have stuck to his guns for at least another few days. 

It was all Stede’s fault, really.

They had been celebrating Stede’s first ever Taco Tuesday, and a tequila-buzzed Ed was fighting a losing battle with a particularly overstuffed tortilla. He was attempting to pick bits of taco filling out of his beard, but couldn’t seem to get the last scrap of cheese. A slightly tipsier Stede was trying to direct him, (“Down a bit… Just up, up a little bit… To the, to the left.”), giggling every time Ed missed it. Finally, Stede crooked his finger, gesturing Ed closer (“Here, I’ll get it.”), leaned in close, and plucked out the offending crumb. 

Stede was right there, so close that Ed could count the freckles dusting his nose and cheeks, see the flecks of honey and fern in his eyes. And if Ed didn’t get some space between him and Stede right fucking then , he was going to do something really stupid. He sputtered out an excuse about needing to get himself a glass of water, but wonderful, kind, so observant, but still so fucking oblivious, Stede had noticed Ed’s limp earlier, and hopped up before Ed could move. 

And that should have – would have – been fine, except when Stede came back with the water, he handed it to Ed, flopped down on the couch and pulled Ed's legs over his lap, offering to massage his bad knee. How was he supposed to say no to that?!

“Can I ask what happened?” Stede had asked while he worked on breaking up scar tissue, working out knot after knot, and loosening painfully tight muscles. 

“Nothing happened.” Ed had replied. “I just have bad knees. One more shitty thing I got from my dad. Had surgery on the left one once already, and I’ll probably need another eventually. The right one’s still holding up okay, but it’s just a matter of time.” 

Stede had hummed in acknowledgement, concentrating on one especially tough knot. “I just never noticed you favoring it before.”

“Yeah, the shop was busier today than I expected, so I wasn’t wearing my good knee brace. I was on my feet a lot, up and down the stairs, you know?”

“Well, I’m happy to loosen it up for you whenever you want.” Stede had glanced up with a sweet smile.

So, yeah. If Stede was okay with a bit of flirting between friends, the occasional massage between pals, then Ed’s self-imposed rules could fuck right off. Hello and goodbye hugs, an arm slung over a shoulder, a head or feet in a lap, tucking a dark curl behind an ear or brushing a lock of golden hair out of the way - Stede was perfectly content with all of it. Really, there was only one time when Ed thought he’d flown too close to the sun and fucked it all up, but even then Stede had surprised him.

See, Stede had figured out that if he massaged Ed’s neck and scalp, he could turn Ed into a sleepy puddle. He would gently work his hand up the back of Ed’s neck and through his hair until Ed was slumped bonelessly against the couch, eyes closed. Then Stede would lightly scratch his scalp, which was a surefire way to get him to nod off. The first time it happened, Ed had startled awake an hour later, snuggled against Stede, who was watching a nature show with the volume low with one arm draped across Ed’s back. He had quickly pulled himself upright and apologized for unconsciously using Stede as a pillow. Stede had told him not to worry about it because even though he’d never been one for physical touch, it was always nice when it was Ed. It was a regular occurrence after that.

Waking up practically molded to Stede’s side was just this side of paradise. It was definitely in the top three on his list of favorite things about Stede. He’d slowly regain consciousness with his face buried in the crook of Stede’s neck, inhaling lavender and vanilla and Stede ; one arm would be slung across Stede’s waist, his hand curled around the other man’s hip in gentle possessiveness. Sometimes he’d wake to quiet exhalations ruffling his hair and the steady thump-thump of a heartbeat in his ear as his head rested against Stede’s chest; he’d be clinging to Stede like an octopus, arms wrapped around the other man’s midsection and legs thrown over his lap.

Stede never batted an eye, just smiled softly at Ed and asked him if he’d had a nice nap. He always made sure that Ed’s dodgy knee had been supported so that he wouldn’t be in pain when he woke up. If they were at Stede’s, he would offer to make up the couch if Ed was too tired to drive home, and when Ed inevitably declined, he would always brew up a travel mug of tea to help Ed stay awake for the drive back to his place. If they were at Ed’s, Stede would rouse him, move him to his bed, and tuck him in before leaving. And he would always text Ed to let him know he’d locked his door on the way out and had made it home safely.

“I’m sorry. Did you say something about throwing chicken wings at the television?” 

Ed was tugged from his reverie as Stede padded into the kitchen. He was wearing dark gray lounge pants and a lilac henley top with a pattern of white birds taking flight from the lower left arcing across the shirt to the left shoulder. The sleeves were rolled up to just below his elbows and he’d left all three buttons undone, exposing just a hint of red-gold chest hair. It was absolutely unfair for Stede to look that good when Ed couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

“No. I would never do something like that.”

Stede laughed and pulled Ed into a warm hug. “Happy friend-iversary, Ed. We can throw celery sticks at Tamra and Vicki.”

Ed tightened his arms, holding Stede close. He inhaled vanilla and lavender and laundry detergent, and it smelled like home. Oh, yeah. He was down bad. Stede was going to ruin him and he would gladly welcome it.

***************

“Steeeeeeeb, what are you doinnnngggg?” Ed leaned in close, hooking his chin on Stede’s shoulder and pressing their cheeks together as he tried to get a look at Stede’s phone. “I haven’t seen you in forever. Pay attention to meeeee. I don’t wanna throw your phone into Jackie’s nose jar, but I’ll do it.” He pointed at the big jar of pickled eggs on one end of the bar.

Stede huffed out breath. “I’m trying to find a new apartment. My lease is up at the end of the month, and those profit-mongering assholes that manage my complex are raising the rent by $800.” He paused, turning to Ed with a confused expression. “Wait. What do you mean you haven’t seen me in forever? I spent the entire day with you at the shop yesterday.”

“Well, it feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.” Ed shrugged. “I missed you today. Fuckin’ sue me. So, why are you acting like a grumpy penguin about moving out of your place? You’ve been complaining for the last five months about the subpar water pressure, the fact that someone keeps parking in your designated spot, and management’s refusal to do anything about either.”

Stede sighed. “I am a ‘grumpy penguin,’ Edward, because every semi-decent apartment in the city is out of my price range. Even if I wanted to stay at my current place, I couldn’t afford to now. I think I’m going to have to look outside the city to find something that isn’t basically a piece of plywood propped against the side of a building in a urine-soaked alley advertising itself as a quaint studio apartment.”

Ed’s brows knitted together as he frowned. “Outside the city? Like, farther away from here? Like, maybe even a whole different town?”

“Yes!” Stede threw up his hands in frustration. “What else am I supposed to do? I’m not made out of money… anymore.” 

Ed growled in disagreement. “Yeah, well, that’s not happening. No fucking way are you moving farther away. We’re gonna figure this out together. Two heads are better than one, yeah?” He whipped his phone out of his pocket. “Now, what are your deal breakers?” 

Across the bar, their friends had gathered around a pool table. Izzy and Jim’s game had come to a halt as everyone became distracted by the two absolute dorks who appeared to be flirting with each other as they sat pressed together side-by-side in an otherwise empty booth. Izzy looked disgusted, Jim looked calculating, and everyone else was just perplexed.

Frenchie finally broke the silence. “So, what do we think’s happening there?”

“They’re obviously dating,” Pete replied, looking at Frenchie like was an idiot. 

“No, they most certainly are not,” Izzy sputtered. 

“I mean, look at them,” Ivan said. “Ed’s practically sitting in Stede’s lap.”

“It does look like Stede is playing with Ed’s hair,” the Swede offered. 

Roach hummed uncertainly. “Isn’t Stede’s dating history exclusively and disgustingly hetero though?” 

“Stede’s dating history consists entirely of his ex-wife,” Lucius retorted. 

“That’s no help to us at all.” Wee John shook his head in annoyance.

“But he does give off vibes,” Frenchie added.

“And he was weirdly cool about his wife leaving him for another man.” Roach held up a finger to emphasize his point.

“I mean, that could just be his complete lack of self-esteem. On the other hand,” Lucius made a face as he gestured toward the booth, “maybe it just took dad this long to figure it out.”

“Okay, let’s maybe not speculate about our friend’s sexuality,” Oluwande interjected. “We wouldn’t like it if someone did that to us.”

“Of course not, amor. We wouldn’t want to accidentally start any rumors. But you know what we could do?” Jim mused.

Oluwande frowned when he saw their crafty little smile. “Jim, no.” 

Lucius’ face lit up. “Jim, yes.” 

“Mi osito,” Jim gave Oluwande a peck on the lips, “we can get that fancy espresso machine you’ve been wanting.”

“Fine,” Oluwande said, sounding resigned, “but only because I know you’re going to do it anyway.” He pressed a kiss to their temple.

Jim pulled up the Notes app on their phone and looked around the group with a smug grin. “Alright, folks, place your bets. Are those two idiots dating or not?”

A half hour later, they’d managed to hammer out several side bets in addition to the main wager, established the rules, and turned their cash over to Oluwande for safekeeping. 

When Ed got up to use the restroom, the crew made their move. Lucius, Fang, and Pete squeezed into the booth across from Stede. The rest of the group hung over the back of the adjacent booth or stood next to the table, trying to stay within earshot.

Lucius didn’t waste any time beating around the bush. “So what were you and Ed doing all cozied up over here?” 

“What?” Stede scrunched up his face in confusion. “Oh, I have to find a new place to live. Ed was helping me look.”

Jackpot! “And did you… find a new place?” Lucius asked casually.

“Yeah. Well, sort of. It’s really more of a temporary fix,” Stede replied vaguely.

Lucius leaned forward. “Stede Amethyst Bonnet, I’m going to need more information about this ‘temporary fix’. So, spill.” This was going to be good. He could feel it in his bones.

“Oh, well, even with Ed helping, I simply cannot find an apartment in the city that’s up to my standards and which I can afford. Ed pointed out that we spend most of our time together anyway, and suggested that maybe I should just move in with him. It was a lovely offer, but what if I’m a terrible roommate and he realizes he’s made a huge mistake.”

“You didn’t really say that to him, did you?” Lucius said, before quickly answering his own question. “What am I saying? Of course you did. It’s you.”

Stede scowled at him. “Anyway, he was quite understanding, and came up with a two month trial period as a compromise. It gives me an extra two months to find a place of my own, but also if Ed isn’t sick of me, I can stay,” Stede said, visibly pleased with his and Ed’s solution.

“So… you and Ed… are gonna be… roommates,” Frenchie said slowly.

“Well, yeah,” Stede shrugged, “for at least a couple of months anyway.”

“You’ve, uh, you’ve been to Ed’s place before, right?” Roach asked hesitantly.

Stede made a face. “Be serious, man. Do you really think that Ed would still only be coming to mine after six months?” He scoffed. “Of course I’ve been to Ed’s apartment. On many occasions actually, thank you very much.”

“Babes,” Lucius cut in, “it’s just that Ed’s apartment isn’t any bigger than yours. What are you going to do with all your stuff?”

“Put it in storage, of course.” Stede looked at Lucius like he was an idiot. “I can certainly afford a climate controlled storage unit. I’m not destitute.” He wrinkled his nose.

Just then, Ed returned to the table, told Stede he’d already paid the bill, and they needed to go if they were going to make it to the theater in time to catch the next showing of the Barbie Movie.

“I couldn’t find anything pink in my closet,” Ed said as they walked toward the door, “so I guess I’m going as Biker Barbie.”

“I think the leather suits you, but I have some options in the car that I think would look great if you’d prefer Barbie’s iconic pink,” Stede replied, as the door swung shut behind them.

“Sweetie,” Pete said through clenched teeth, once the coast was clear, “can you please let go of my leg? You’re gripping my thigh so hard that I’m going to have bruises, and not the fun kind.”

Lucius let go with a quiet, “Oh, sorry, babe.”

The Swede, who had been observing silently from the sidelines, finally asked, “So, they’re moving in together, ja?”

“Ja,” Roach, Ivan, and Fang replied in unison.

“Well, that is nice,” he said brightly.

“But when Frenchie said roommates, Stede didn’t correct him,” Wee John offered. “So, it’s platonic.”

Jim snorted in amusement, drawing everyone’s attention. “You pendejos still haven’t figured out the best part. Especially you, Lucius.”

“Jimothy, stop being weirdly and freakishly secretive, and tell me what I’m missing,” Lucius huffed.

“Please, I’m not even being normal secretive. It’s that fucking obvious.”

“Ooooh,” Fang breathed before breaking into a big smile and clasping his hands together. “Ed’s apartment only has one bedroom.”

“And there is a zero percent chance that Stede Five-Million-Thread-Count-Sheets Bonnet is going to be fine with sleeping on Ed’s couch for two months,” Lucius said with unbridled glee. 

***************

Ed stared into the open refrigerator, lost in thought. He had gone to the fridge for a reason, but the small box of chocolate covered strawberries that Stede had brought home was right there at eye level, distracting him from the task at hand. It reminded him that Stede just did nice things sometimes; that was all Ed’s brain had needed. His train of thought had jumped the tracks, chugging merrily along to its new destination: Stedeland. 

He had zero regrets about asking Stede to move in. Honestly, it was better than he had imagined. He and Stede just fit in each other’s lives so well that it felt like they’d been sharing an apartment for years instead of only a couple of months. 

There had only been one teensy little hiccup. It was completely Ed’s fault; he hadn’t considered that the only bedroom in his apartment didn’t have enough space for two beds. But Stede, always thinking, always planning, did. And when he’d broached the subject, an embarrassed Ed offered to sleep on the couch. That just led to a politeness standoff in which each said they’d take the couch because the other one should have the bed for whatever reason. It finally ended when Stede pointed out that they napped on the couch together all the time, and Ed said he was okay with sharing the bed if Stede was okay with it.

He was jolted out of his reverie by the sound of Stede calling to him from the living room sofa. 

“Ed, hurry! The commercial break is almost over! You’re going to miss some quality Andy Cohen sass!”

Shit. Right. He was supposed to be getting the snacks. 

“Ed, What’s taking so long?! Did you get stuck in the fridge again?!” 

“What do you mean ‘again’?” He grabbed a beer and one of Stede’s single serve Chardonnays, and padded back into the living room. “Steeb, when have I ever gotten stuck in the fridge before? How would that even be possible?”

Stede frowned. “Maybe I dreamed it. Now that I think about it, there might have been a panel of judges scoring you on speed, style, and shit talking while you fought the fridge.”

Ed flopped down next to Stede on the sofa. “Well, now I wanna know who the judges were.” He grinned and handed a little black box of wine to Stede. “Your adult juice box, m’lord.”

“Why thank you, captain.” Stede took the proffered mini box. “Did you bring me a straw? All the cool kids have straws for their juice boxes,” he asked with an exaggerated pout. 

“Sorry, mate. But I did think about putting it in a sippy cup for you. I know how you hate it when you dribble all over your shirt,” Ed teased.

“And yet, you didn’t. I’ll remember that when you decide to jab me in the side with your stupid sharp toenails and I spill wine all down my front.”

“Why do you think I brought you white wine?”

“Edward!” Stede bubbled over with laughter. “You madman! Giving me a drink that won’t stain when you poke my muffin top is positively Machiavellian!”

“All part of my secret plan to get you out of your shirt.”

“Is writing a heartfelt apology to my dry cleaner also part of your secret plan?” Stede asked with a laugh and started fussing with the remote.

“Nope.” Ed smiled and batted his eyelashes.

“I can’t believe you’re willing to let Armando think that I don’t care enough about my clothes to treat them well.” Stede shrugged. “Fine, I’ll just add ‘best dry cleaner in the city thinks I’m a slob and I’m too embarrassed to correct him’ to my very long list of shortcomings.” He turned back to the TV. “Ready to pick up where we left off?”

Ed frowned. “Hold on.” He took the remote from Stede and set it on the coffee table out of his reach. “That’s the second time in five minutes that you’ve said something self-deprecating.” Stede had been making really good progress with the negative self-talk over the last few months. “Did something happen today?”

“It’s fine. I’m fine.” Ah. Stede was minimizing. Something had definitely happened.

“Okay,” Ed said gently.

Stede huffed out an irritated sigh. “What? Am I not allowed to have an off day?” he said curtly.

And now Stede had gotten defensive. 

Ed passed the remote back to him. “Course you are. I’m just letting you know I’m here to listen if you want to talk about it.” 

“It’s really not a big deal,” Stede said, still deflecting. “Can we please get back to the show?”

Ed nodded, and dropped it. Stede was fan-fucking-tastic at repressing his feelings, but he would tell Ed about it when he was ready. Even now, he could see Stede working up to it as he fiddled with the remote in his hand, not pressing play.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you,” Stede said quietly after a minute. He stared at the coffee table, avoiding eye contact with Ed.“I ran into the Badminton twins today,” he finally admitted glumly.

Ah, fuck.

Stede had known the Badminton twins his entire life. Their parents belonged to the same social circle. They had attended the same boarding school and university. And all three had worked for Stede’s father’s company until about eight months ago. 

Nigel and Chauncey were Stede’s bespoke tormentors. Stede was gentle and kind, soft and sweet. He liked to pick flowers and watch butterflies, read and daydream. He was the antithesis of traditional masculinity, which made him the target of the twins’ relentless bullying during his school years and at university. Even now, well into adulthood, Nigel and Chauncey still took great pleasure in reminding him at every opportunity just how weak and pathetic they thought he was.

Stede’s parents had done nothing to discourage the daily beatings and endless taunting. Instead, they expected him to toughen up, stop crying so much, and take up hobbies and interests appropriate for a boy. Stede’s mother was distant and cold, refusing to “coddle” and “baby” him. At the first sign of emotion, she passed him off to the au pair with instructions to mete out an appropriate punishment if Stede continued to “act out.” 

And Stede’s father was… Well, he was really fucking shitty. And Ed would know; he was an expert on shitty dads. Stede’s father may not have hit him physically like Ed’s dad had done, but there were plenty of ways to hurt a child that scarred the psyche instead of the skin. 

They were kindred spirits of a sort, broken in their youth, shattered to pieces. But where Ed’s sharp, jagged edges, his anger and pain and fear and impotence, had been softened and soothed by a mother’s love and understanding (and a fuck ton of therapy), Stede had had to rebuild himself from the debris left behind each time someone smashed him to bits.

If Ed was sea glass, the fragments of his childhood smoothed and polished into something lovely and new, then Stede was stained glass, a vibrant mosaic assembled from countless shards into something unique and special. He shone so brightly, was so full of color and effervescence. His presence was enough to light up a room. He constantly impressed Ed with his strength. After a lifetime of torment, he still refused to be crushed. 

Stede may have believed he was weak, cowardly, and disappointing. He may have been convinced that he wasn’t adequate, that he didn’t deserve nice things. He may have twisted himself into knots trying to fit in, measured his success through external validation, and apologized for his very existence. But he was also kind and gentle. He lavished love on his friends and chosen family, supported them without reservation. He would protect and defend the people he loved, doing whatever it took to keep them safe from harm. 

Ed scootched closer. He moved the remote out of the way, and took Stede’s hands gently in his. “D’you want to tell me what the fuckers said?” he asked in a calm, quiet voice as he gently rubbed his thumbs in circles over the soft skin on the back of Stede’s hands.

“Oh, um,” Stede waffled for a second or two before shrugging, “the usual. They were shocked that I’d managed to find a new job so quickly since I’d always been ‘completely useless at the company’. Nigel called me fat, and then Chauncey used that jibe as a jumping off point to tell me about being invited to a dinner party at my parents’ where my father told them he was leaving the company to them.”

Stede’s abrupt exit from his father’s company was a direct result of his divorce. He still harbored quite a bit of guilt, which Ed knew was complete bullshit because Stede’s dad really was a fucking piece of work. Bonnet Sr. had pointed out whenever possible that Stede was weak, soft, and an all-around disappointment, both as a son and as a man. His marriage to Mary Allamby had been quite literally the only thing Edward Bonnet hadn’t found completely disappointing about his son. 

When Stede mustered up the courage to tell his parents that he and Mary were divorcing, his father ordered him to fix it or he’d face consequences; and his mother said they should have a baby. After all, he and Mary were still childless after a decade of marriage, and as a dutiful son he owed them an heir.

Stede refused to buckle under his parents’ pressure. He had a pretty good idea what the consequences his father had threatened would be, but he was determined not to trap Mary in misery too. She had endured him long enough, and deserved to finally be happy. 

The day after they had finalized their divorce, Stede’s father cut him off completely. His company ID stopped working halfway through the day. Security stood over him while he packed up his belongings and escorted him out of the building. When he stopped by the house to get the last of his things and pick up his mail, a courier was waiting to give him a certified letter from his father informing him he was out of the will. In their final act of rejection, his mother had sent a terse text message stating that he was no longer welcome at the estate and any future communication with them should go through their lawyers. 

Ed lightly squeezed Stede’s hands. “Those fuckers,” he breathed.

Stede’s smile was bittersweet. “I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me, but I never thought I’d inherit the company anyway. And Father always treated the twins more like his sons than me, so Chauncey wasn’t really dropping the bomb he thought he was.”

Ed wanted to beat the shit out of Bonnet Sr and the Badmintons. He wanted to skin them with a snail fork and toss them to the sharks. He loathed them as much as he loved Stede, which was a whole fucking lot.

“And I think if that had been the end of the conversation, I would’ve been okay.” Stede chewed his lower lip. “But– you know how Mary and I decided to spend the first year after the divorce apart? To sort of reset and come back as friends?” 

Ed nodded.

“Well, the twins decided to update me on how she’s doing. She just had her first art show. Apparently it got rave reviews. Doug proposed a few months ago, so she’ll finally be in a marriage that’s based on mutual love and respect. And, um, she’s pregnant.”

“Mate, I’m so sorry.” Ed pulled him into a hug. “I can kill the doublemint fucks and bury the bodies where no one will ever find them.”

“Ed,” Stede said around a chuckle.

Ed pulled back just far enough to look at Stede’s face. “You think I’m kidding, but I know a guy. Just say the word.” He drew his finger across his neck in the universal sign for murder.

“Ed,” Stede squeezed his hands back, “you and I both know that I’m not worth going to jail for homicide.” Ed opened his mouth to argue, but Stede plowed right on. “My marriage was basically one step down from an arranged marriage. She desperately wanted to get out from under her parents’ thumb and I desperately wanted to make my parents proud for once. We didn’t love each other; I think we hoped we could grow to love one another, but the feelings just never came. We were miserable; we’d just traded one kind of misery for another.”

He trailed off, staring off into the middle distance in contemplation. Ed let the silence stretch out; Stede still had more to say. “I was shocked when she asked for a divorce, but I think it was more that I hadn’t even thought of it as an option. And I was definitely afraid. Of my parents’ reactions, of losing everything I knew, of being alone. Losing everything, everyone , my entire identity was terrifying. Do you know what it’s like to wake up one day in your thirties with the realization that you have no idea who you actually are? Anyway,” he let go of Ed’s hand to wave his own in front of him dismissively, “my point is that I’m genuinely happy for Mary. Doug’s obviously a much better match, and I know she’s always wanted to be a mother.” He flopped back against the couch with a heavy sigh.

Stede rarely talked about himself this much, and Ed made a split-second decision to take advantage of his unusual openness. It was probably a bad idea, but who knew when he’d get another chance to get insight into Stede’s thoughts on relationships in general and on their relationship in particular. 

“What about you?” he asked.

“What about me?” Stede frowned, sounding puzzled.

“How do you feel about relationships now?” Ed cocked his head to the side. “What makes Stede happy?”

“Well, I’ve never actually dated anyone before. Mary and I only went out a handful of times before we got married, and I wasn’t exactly a hot commodity amongst my peers. I mean, I had the old family money, but apparently that wasn’t enough to make up for everything else about me. Don’t look at me like that.”

Ed had scrunched up his face in irritation. Sorry, mate,” he said, fixing his expression. “I wasn’t making that face at you. I just don’t understand what the fuck is wrong with them. You’re the best person ever.” 

“You’re smart, funny, and sweet, but also delightfully bitchy. I have so much fun with you, and mate, I love your laugh.” He cleared his throat. Just say it, dickfuck. “Plus, you’re a total smoke show.”

He held his breath.

Stede raised an eyebrow. “I know you’re just trying to make me feel better, but be serious, Ed. Smoke show? I’m average at best.” 

“Nope,” Ed shook his head. “With that hair, those eyes, that smile, and that… uh… physique, you could get anyone you wanted.” Very subtle, Ed.

“Don’t be silly. I’m pudgy, and my nose is weird.” 

I love your nose. It’s perfect. 

“There are so many men who are more attractive than me and who certainly have better ‘physiques’, as you put it.”

“Admit it, mate, you’re hot. You’re a fuckin’… sexy rectangle.” Ed winced. Where the fuck did that come from, numbnuts?!

“Sexy rectangle?!” Stede burst out laughing. “I don’t know what that even means, but thanks for the compliment, I think?” 

Oh, thank fuck. He thinks it’s funny. When Stede finally stopped giggling, Ed said, “It was a compliment, and you’re welcome.” Nice save, fuckface. “The point I was trying to make was that you’re the whole package, man. And whoever locks you down had better never take you for granted.”

“Oh,” Stede said quietly, seemingly at a loss for words. “Well, that’s…” He trailed off, blinking back tears.

Oh, fuck. Stede was going to cry. Ed scrambled to fix it. “Ooooh, no. Please, don’t cry. I didn’t mean to upset you, mate. I just wanted you to know how great you are.”

“No, um,” Stede dabbed the corners of his eyes, “I’m not upset. It’s– it’s just– I think that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about me.”

Ed wanted to fucking keelhaul everyone who had ever been unkind to this precious man. “Well, I meant it. You know that, right? You’re my favorite person, and I would never lie to you.”

“I know.” Stede gave Ed a watery smile and cleared his throat. “I’m so glad I met you. You’re my favorite person too.” He sniffled and took a deep breath. “Right. So, getting back to what I was saying before someone took us on a conversational detour,” he glared playfully at Ed.

“Who would do something so rude?” Ed batted his eyelashes innocently.

Stede chuckled. “I think,” he said, pausing to choose the right words, “it’s important that I don’t rush things. I want – no, I need – to be with someone who appreciates me and enjoys my company; someone who likes me .”

It’s me. I like you. I appreciate you. I want to know everything about you. Your hopes, dreams, fears. Your favorite color, favorite season, favorite… fabric. I’ll give you anything you could want or need.

“I don’t want it to be transactional; quid pro quo doesn’t really scream love. I think I wa–” Stede furrowed his brow and chewed on his lower lip again. “This is so pathetic, and I’m dooming myself to being alone forever, but I think I want to wait until marriage for the, uh, physical aspects. You know? I want a deep, meaningful relationship, and then I want to get married and have kids if that’s something we both want. And I want to share my body with someone who likes the rest of me too. I’ve never had that before, and I want to make sure it’s real.” 

Married? Kids? We? Ed’s brain buzzed pleasantly. Yes. I want that too. With you.

“I just want real, actual, honest-to-God love, Ed. Is that selfish of me?”

The pain and sadness in Stede’s eyes yanked Ed back to earth. He tried to say no, but his voice caught in his throat. 

He made a second attempt. “ No ,” he breathed, shaking his head for emphasis. “Wanting to be loved for who you are isn’t selfish, mate. You deserve all the best things.” He held Stede’s hands in his again. “And I don’t think you’re pathetic or doomed for wanting to wait on the physical stuff. Actually, it’s not a bad idea. This is all new for you, and you’re still trying to get your feet under you. If you don’t want a physical relationship, then there won’t be one until you’re ready.” 

I’ll do whatever you want. You’re worth it.

“You’re in the driver’s seat, mate. But, just for the sake of understanding, when you say you want to wait on the physical stuff, does that mean things like hugs and cuddling are off-limits?”

Stede looked appalled. “I’m not a monster, Ed! I just meant… you know, more than hugs and cuddling.” His cheeks had pinked up.

“Right,” Ed nodded. “But just to avoid any misunderstandings, I’m gonna need you to say it.”

Stede was blushing furiously. “I am referring to intimate relations, Ed.”

Intimate relations! Stede would use a euphemism to talk about fucking. Ed was over the moon for an absolute dork. It was wonderful. He felt giddy.

That didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try to embarrass Stede a little bit more though. The man’s blush was adorable as fuck.

“You mean sex,” Ed said casually.

Stede was flushed from the tips of his ears to the bottom of his neck, where the red disappeared underneath his shirt. “Yes, Edward. Sex. Also kissing. I’m not ready for that either.”

“Noted. Now, c’mere.” He lifted his arm so Stede could slide over. “Feel better?” he asked once Stede had settled in, snuggled close to his side.

He felt Stede nod against his shoulder. “Thank you for listening to all of my nonsense.”

“It’s not nonsense. And thank you for sharing all of that with me,” Ed replied, smiling softly.

Stede Love-of-my-Life Bonnet, get ready to be swept off your feet by the best boyfriend ever.

Chapter Text

Lucius slid into the booth across from Stede. “A little birdie told me that you’re meeting Ed’s mom. He took a sip of his drink. “How are we feeling about that?”

Stede closed his book, marking his spot, and set it off to the side. “I feel fine.” He furrowed his brow. “Why? Should I be worried? Do you know something I don’t?”

“No, but it’s– Ow! Do you mind?! ” Lucius was interrupted by Roach forcibly pushing him further into the booth.

“Not even a little.” Roach set some appetizers on the table. “I brought tapas! Now, budge up. I wanna hear this too.”

“Fine,” Lucius grumbled, sliding over. “As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted ,” he glared at Roach, who simply shrugged and popped an olive into his mouth, “was that meeting your roommate’s family is kind of a big step, and it’s normal to feel anxious about it.”

“Why would I be nervous to meet Ed’s mom and her partner? From everything he’s told me, they’re absolutely lovely.” 

“Oh, yeah, I’ve met Ed’s moms. They’re pretty great,” Roach agreed. “But you two have only been roommates for a few months. Actually,” he cocked his head to the side, “wasn’t that supposed to be a temporary thing anyway?”

Lucius hummed in agreement. “If I recall correctly, and of course I do, you did say two months, Stede. And yet, here you are still living with Ed five months later.” He smiled smugly. “I guess the pros of being roommates with Ed really outweigh the cons.”

Stede rolled his eyes. “Actually, what I said was that Ed and I agreed to reassess things after two months. And it turns out that we both really like living with our best friend, so there’s no reason for me to look for a new place right now,” he said matter-of-factly.

“Okay, but it’s a one bedroom apartment. Where do you sleep?” Roach asked, gesturing with a calamari ring.

“Mmm, strong question. Love that,” Lucius said, sipping his drink.

Stede gave them a confused look. “What do you mean? In the bedroom, obviously.”

That was apparently still not enough information for Roach because he continued to ask questions. “But isn’t the bedroom pretty small? How did you manage to fit another bed in there? Oh! Did you get bunk beds?”

“No, we just sleep in the one bed,” Stede laughed. “Bunk beds! Can you imagine?” 

Lucius choked on his drink and began coughing violently; Roach smacked his leg under the table.

When Lucius’ airway had finally cleared, he choked out, “you’re… roommates… and you sleep in the same bed… at the same time?” in a raspy voice.

“Yes, Lucius,” Stede said, sounding huffy, “we share the bed. I don’t understand why you’re having such a difficult time with the concept. There just isn’t enough space for two beds, and Ed was there first. Admittedly, I would have preferred a king bed, but Ed’s queen bed already takes up most of the room. It’s a little less mattress space than I’m used to, but I don’t think it would have mattered; Ed’s a clingy sleeper.” He shot Lucius an annoyed look, “And would you please stop saying ‘roommates’ like that? It’s weird.”

Across the table, Lucius and Roach were staring at each other, having a silent conversation. Lucius finally broke eye contact and rubbed his forehead with his thumb and fingers. “Nope.” He shook his head, apparently having made up his mind. “Let me out.” He nudged Roach until the taller man stood up to let him slide out of the booth.

“So when are you meeting Ed’s moms?” Roach asked as he sat back down. 

“I’m not sure yet.” Stede shrugged. “Ed has dinner with them a couple times a month. I guess they told him to bring me along sometime.”

Roach nodded sagely. “Oh, they’re expecting you at the next one. Ed’ll back me up on that.” Roach looked around the room. “Where is he anyway?”

“Oh, he’s at home,” Stede replied. “Mr. I’m-Ed-Teach-I-Can-Do-Anything was adamant that we go for a hike yesterday. He didn’t realize he’d left his good knee brace at home until we got to the parking lot. I told him we could go home and get the brace or go on the hike another time, but he’s so stubborn sometimes. He overdid it, of course, and this morning I caught him grimacing every time he took a step. I managed to convince him to stay home from work today and keep pressure off his knee as much as possible. He was watching some glass blowing show when I left for work.”

“Ooooh, that’s why Izzy’s so pissy today.” Roach nodded knowingly. “He had to cover for Ed at the shop.”

As if on cue, Stede’s phone chimed. “That’s him now.”

“Want me to get out of your hair?” Roach moved to leave.

“Oh. No, it’s fine.” Stede waved a hand dismissively. “He’s moved on to a new show, something about women’s baseball. Their Own League maybe? Anyway, he’s been texting me updates for the last five hours. See?” He held his phone out so Roach could read the stream of messages.

E: Shit! It’s the fuzz!

E: Those dickfucks are raiding the club! 

E: Carson wouldn’t survive more than 5 min in jail

E: THEY BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF JO!

E: Steeb, can you bring home a gallon of gas and some matches? 

E: I need to set fire to a fictional police station

E: ACAB Stede

E: This show is fucking amazing. I’m starting it over when you get home so you can watch it too

Roach scrolled back through some of the conversation and mumbled, “interesting.” Then he stood up, Stede’s phone still in his hand, and ambled toward the billiards area, where the rest of the group was congregated. 

Stede had been waiting, hand held out, palm up, expecting Roach to just hand back his phone, so it took him a minute to process what had happened. He blinked and called after Roach, “You know that’s my phone, right? Roach?!”

Roach said something that Stede couldn’t hear, but whatever it was made Lucius’ and Frenchie’s heads snap to attention so fast, Stede was legitimately afraid they might have gotten whiplash. Lucius plucked the phone from Roach’s hand and started scrolling. After a couple of minutes of Frenchie or Roach pointing at something and hushed conversation among the three of them, Lucius and Frenchie fixed Stede with a look.

“What?” he mouthed from his seat in the booth. Why were they looking at him like that? 

Lucius yelled across the bar, “Stede-athon Jemima Bonnet, get over here and explain yourself!” He jabbed a finger at Stede’s phone.

Stede slid out of the booth, racking his brain for what Lucius could have seen that needed an explanation. There was nothing untoward on his phone, and definitely nothing salacious.

“What?” he asked when he was within earshot.

“Stede. Stedeifer. Stedelett. Stedeabella.” Lucius pursed his lips. “You and your roommate ,” he emphasized the word again, “sure do text each other a lot.”

“Pretty much all fucking day, man,” Frenchie added. “Like, here,” he pointed at a photo of the biggest, scariest looking bug that he’d ever seen. It was accompanied by a message from Ed: The fuck is this thing?! It’s the size of Izzy’s forearm!

“It’s a dobsonfly,” Stede said. “They’re usually nocturnal. And they only live for a week.”

“Yeah, that’s what you wrote here. But, Stede, this conversation happened at 9:15 AM. You were both at work by then.” 

“Well, I wasn’t not going to answer him. He’s got this thing about weird looking bugs, and I was afraid he might accidentally burn the shop down.” Stede looked at them with disdain. 

Frenchie held up a hand in acquiescence. “Yeah, okay, that’s just being a good friend. But what about this one?” He scrolled to another image of a dappled brown duck swimming in a pond with seven ducklings trailing behind. It was accompanied by a text from Stede in all caps: MADGE HAD HER BABIES, ED!”

“You sent this one at 11:52 AM. Ed replied one minute later with ‘WE’RE DUNCLES, STEEB!’ You were definitely at work and I don’t see any weird bugs, just some fluffy baby birds.”

“We were both very invested in Madge’s journey to motherhood.” Stede frowned. “And I was on my lunch break, thank you very much.” 

“Stede,” Lucius said, exasperated, “what Frenchie’s getting at is that you and Ed see each other all the damn time. You live together , but you’re still texting each other all fucking day!”

Stede gave Lucius an incredulous look. “Well, we’re not going to text each other at home. What would be the point in that?”

“You cannot be this clueless,” Lucius muttered. He closed his eyes and held his hands up to his face like he was praying. Then, he took a deep breath and said, “Okay. Let me try this a different way. The only people I text with this much are Pete and Fang.”

“Mhm,” Frenchie agreed. “And John’s the only person I message this often.”

“Hang on.” Stede felt the first prickles of anger. “You’re giving me a hard time for something that the two of you also do all the time?” He jabbed a finger toward them. “I didn’t realize there was an age limit on texting best friends during work hours.“ 

Lucius looked a bit stunned. “That’s not what we’re saying at all.” 

Stede yanked his phone from Frenchie’s grip and put it into his pocket. “Please stop trying to find drama where it doesn’t exist.” He shook his head as he walked away.

Behind him, Lucius mumbled something that sounded vaguely like, “Someone please kill me. I can’t believe…” 

Frenchie replied, “Chin up, Lu. You can’t lead a horse to water without cracking a few eggs. But, yeah, you’re...”

Stede’s phone chimed with a new message from Ed, distracting him from the conversation behind him.

E: Steeeeeeeeeede I’m bored

E: I miss yoooooouuuuuu

E: Are you coming home soon?

E: No pressure, I just miss your face

E: Don’t forget the arson supplies

E: *alleged* arson supplies

Stede laughed to himself as he perched on a nearby barstool.

S: Leaving in 5-10 min [blushing smile emoji]

S: Do you want a gallon of fictional gasoline or fictional diesel?

E: Don’t spend your hard earned fictional money on fictional diesel

E: Fictional gas works fine

S: Yes, but fictional diesel burns longer. And as you said, ACAB

E: Well then fuck yeah get the fictional diesel! [grin emoji]

S: [salute emoji] Fuck the police

S: I’ll text you when I’m on my way

E: [heart hands emoji]

S: [heart hands emoji]

“I’m home!” Stede called as he opened the door to Ed’s – no, their – apartment. “And I brought dinner!”

“Aww, you’re the best!” Ed called back from the couch. “Need help?”

“I’ve got it. You stay there.” Stede toed off his shoes and walked into the living room with the bag of food to find Ed stretched out on the sofa. “How’s your knee?”

Ed sat up and swung his legs off the couch. “It’s still stiff, but definitely doesn’t hurt as much. You were probably right about me staying off of it today.” 

“I can massage it for you after we eat. How’s that sound?” Stede lightly scratched Ed’s scalp.

Ed sighed in contentment. “That sounds great.”

“Okay. I’ll be right back. I’m going to get plates and stuff.” He handed the bag to Ed and padded toward the kitchen.

A delighted noise floated in from the living room as he collected the plates and utensils. “You brought me tacos?!” Ed exclaimed.

Stede smiled. “Well, this morning you slathered a pancake with whipped cream, and added an entire cup of fruit. Then you said something about tacos for dinner, folded up the pancake, and then ate half of it in one bite.”

“You heard that?!” Ed sounded surprised. “I didn’t realize you were even in the kitchen.”

“Ed, you sang a little song. Something like, ‘tacos in the morning, tacos in the evening, tacos at supper time.’ It was really cute. There’s no way I’d forget that,” Stede said, grabbing a couple of cold drinks from the fridge.

Stede was focused on making sure he had everything they needed for dinner, and didn’t notice the unusually long pause in the conversation.

When Ed finally spoke, his voice was thick with emotion. “I love you so much.” 

Stede laughed softly and shook his head. It was completely in character for Ed to get sentimental about Stede bringing him tacos. “I love you too,” he said with a smile as he walked back into the living room.

Ed was staring at the bag of food in his lap, sniffling. 

“What’s wrong? What happened?” Stede dropped everything on the coffee table and sat down next to him. This close, he could see tears on Ed’s cheeks. “Hey, talk to me, Ed. Was it something I said? Did I get the wrong tacos?! Shit! I’m so sorry! I can go back to Jackie’z and get whichever ones you want.” He jumped up from the couch, patting his pockets as he searched for his phone and keys. 

Ed grabbed his hand and gently tugged him back down. “Sit down, you lunatic,” he said with a wet laugh, and shook his head. “No, you’re perfect. They’re perfect. Exactly right.” He squeezed Stede’s hand lightly, and wiped his face with his other hand. 

“I think I’m just a little emotional today. Maybe my knee is bothering me more than I thought. I dunno. You did something nice for me because you thought I’d like it, and it reminded me how much better things are now than they were with CJ. I guess I got a little overwhelmed.” 

He sniffled again and blinked back fresh tears. “I mean, you’re not going to say you’re taking me out for a nice dinner for my birthday, and then change your mind on my birthday because I’m being too clingy and you need space. You’re not going to ditch me to get wasted at a dive bar, have a threesome with a couple of randos in the restroom of a Chick-fil-A, wake up the next morning in the dumpster behind the movie theater, and call me to come get you because your Uber rating is so low that the drivers keep canceling your ride requests.” 

“CJ did that? On your birthday?” Stede felt a flash of anger. Ed deserved so much better than that.

Ed nodded. His tears had spilled over and were falling freely now. “But you’re nothing like CJ; you’re the polar fucking opposite. You compliment me and do things for me, and bring me little presents just because they reminded you of me. You care about my opinions and my feelings. You actually listen, and you fucking remember all the stupid shit that comes out of my mouth.”

“Hey, now.” Stede very gently patted Ed’s leg with his free hand. “Look at me, Edward,” he said quietly, but firmly. 

Ed turned to look at him with puffy, red-rimmed eyes, his cheeks and eyelashes wet with tears.

Stede gently cupped Ed’s face in his hands. “I remember everything you say, and you don’t say stupid things. At least, they’re not stupid to me.” It was a simple, matter-of-fact statement. 

He wiped the tears from Ed’s cheeks with his thumbs. “There we go. That’s better.” 

Stede smiled affectionately, and carefully let go of Ed’s face. “Now, why don’t we eat before our food gets cold? We can watch the baseball show, and I’ll work on your knee.”

***************

“I like him,” Elizabeth Teach said, settling next to her son on the back porch steps. “I’m pretty sure Poppy does too.” She nodded across the yard where Ed’s stepmom, a short woman with shoulder-length auburn hair, was excitedly showing Stede around her newly certified native wildlife habitat. They were chatting animatedly as they walked along, stopping every so often to point out a plant or insect.

“Me too,” Ed smiled softly. 

Liz hummed knowingly.

“Something you’d like to say, mother?” Ed asked impishly.

She laughed. “Let’s just say Poppy and I have noticed that you talk about him… a lot, especially for someone who’s just your roommate,” she said, tucking a lock of hair behind Ed’s ear.

“He’s a really great roommate,” Ed said, staring at his shoes and trying to sound unconcerned.

But try as he might, Ed would never be able to fool his mom. “Sweet pea,” she leveled a look at him, “you talk about him pretty much non-stop. And you get that look on your face every time. I’ve seen that look before.” She booped his nose. “I know that look.”

Ed opened his mouth, ready to deny everything.

“Uh-uh,” Liz cut him off, her eyes glinting in amusement. “Don’t lie to your mother.” Ed’s mouth snapped shut. “So,” she bumped his arm with her elbow, “what’s going on with your roommate ?”

“Muuuuum,” Ed whined. He felt like an awkward teenager again. It was fucking embarrassing.

Liz gasped softly. “Are you blushing?” she asked in surprise and delight. “Oh, sweet pea, I’m just teasing.” She patted his knee. “You know you don’t have to tell me anything that you don’t want to. I just love seeing you happy.” 

Ed cleared his throat. “We’re taking things really slow,” he said quietly.

“Baby,” Liz turned to him with one hand on her hip and an incredulous expression on her face, “you know I love you more than anything in the whole world, but ‘patient’ is not a word I would ever use to describe you.”

“I love you too, mum,” Ed said with a wry chuckle. “I mean, you’re not wrong .”

“Edward, I’m your mother. I’m never wrong.”

“Anyway,” he said, knowing better than to argue with his mom, “we were talking about relationships a few months ago. Stede said he didn’t want to rush into anything; he wanted to be sure the relationship was real, solid. You know? And I can’t fault him for that. I get it. We both went through big break-ups, but everything changed for Stede. His entire world got turned upside down.”

Ed took a deep breath. “This is all new for him, and I want him to feel like he can go at whatever pace he’s comfortable with. I don’t want him to feel like he’s being pressured into something he’s not ready for.” He paused, suddenly apprehensive. “I just… I don’t wanna mess this up, mum. I think he might be it. He’s definitely worth waiting for.” 

Liz pulled him into a warm embrace. “Sweet pea, you’re not going to mess it up.” She pressed a kiss to his temple. “You like him and it’s pretty obvious that he likes you too. Just make sure you communicate with each other.” She released him from the hug and smiled fondly. “I love you, baby. I’m so happy for you.”

“Thanks, mum. I love you too.”

Ed was still riding the high of knowing his moms approved of Stede later that evening as they said goodbye. He knew they would like Stede, but it felt much more real to actually hear them say it. He smiled at Stede’s surprised “oh!” when Liz, and then Poppy, hugged him tightly.

“It was lovely to meet you, sweetheart,” Liz said. “We’re so glad you decided to join us for dinner tonight.”

“Mhm,” Poppy added, “Ed’s said so many wonderful things about you, it’s nice to finally be able to put a face to the name.” 

Pop! Why?! Ed mouthed silently behind Stede, the expression on his face a mix of horror and embarrassment.

“Now,” Liz continued, as if Ed’s menace of a stepmom hadn’t just done her damndest to embarrass him in front of the boy he liked, “will you be joining us for dinner from now on?” She smiled serenely. 

“Oh,” Stede said in surprise, as if the idea that this was more than a one time thing hadn’t even occurred to him. “Well, this is your time with Ed. I wouldn’t want to impose.”

“Edward,” Liz said with a hint of laughter, “would you like to explain what’s happening?”

“She’s not asking, mate,” Ed stated simply.

That didn’t seem to be enough information for Stede, who was frowning in confusion. 

“I know it sounds like a question, but, uh, Mum and Pop are expecting you from now on,” Ed continued.  

“Expect–” Stede’s eyes widened as understanding set in. “Really? You… want me to come to your family dinners too?” His face lit up as Liz and Poppy nodded. “I would love that. Thank you so much!”

Liz and Poppy pulled Stede in for another round of mom hugs and cheek kisses, roping Ed in as well when he made the tactical boo-boo of attempting to “rescue” Stede. Eventually, they were released from the clutches of maternal affection, and were able to make their escape.

Ed glanced at Stede in the passenger seat. “See? You were worried for no reason. I told you they’d like you.”

“Yeah,” Stede said quietly. Ed could see Stede’s grin in his peripheral vision, bright even in the dark interior of the car. “Ed, your moms are so nice. I can’t believe they want me at family dinners too.”

“Course they do, Stede. You’re family.”

“I’m family,” Stede whispered, wiggling happily in his seat. Then he launched into a very detailed rehash of all of his favorite parts of the evening, which lasted the entire drive home. He was gushing about Poppy’s backyard wilderness when Ed stopped for a red light a couple blocks from their apartment.

“...install a water feature. She liked the idea of riffle pools, and asked if I wanted to help…”

Ed looked over at Stede. His face was shining with joy, illuminated by the twin lights of the stoplight and a nearby streetlamp, as he rattled on about the pros and cons of running versus standing water, completely absorbed in the design and construction of a hypothetical water feature. He was beautiful.

The light turned green, and Ed smiled softly as he shifted his attention back to the road and eased off the brake. 

I’m going to marry him.

***************

“What would you think about having dinner at Willow tonight?” Ed glanced back over his shoulder as he stirred an obscene amount of sugar into his coffee and added a dollop of milk. He returned the milk to the fridge and leaned back against the counter, mug in hand. 

Stede was seated at the kitchen table, frowning mightily at the newspaper in front of him. “Hmm?” he glanced up from a particularly vexing clue in the Saturday crossword to see Ed looking at him expectantly. “Sorry. What?”

Ed smiled over the top of his mug. “I was just wondering if you wanted to go to Willow for dinner tonight.” 

“Well, we haven’t been there in a while,” Stede mused, “and it is my favorite restaurant.”

“We haven’t, and it is,” Ed agreed.

Stede’s eyes lit up. “And I have been wanting to wear my new suit.”

“You look amazing in that suit. Willow would be the perfect place to show it off.”

“Okay, but you have to dress up too.”

Ed huffed out an exaggerated sigh. “I mean, you’re kind of asking a lot of me, but I guess I can do that. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go through my entire closet to find something that measures up to your outfit. It might take me most of the day, but I will triumph.”

“Ed never turns his back on a challenge?” Stede teased.

“Ed would sooner die,” came Ed’s mock indignant reply.

“Ed,” Stede laughed, “we’re the same size. We just need to go to my storage unit.”

Ed gasped in faux surprise. “You’re granting me access to your auxiliary wardrobe?! I’m the luckiest girl in the world!” He broke out in a fit of giggles.

“I hate you,” Stede laughed. “It’s not my fault the closet space in this apartment is severely lacking. But I’m sure there’s something in the auxiliary wardrobe that will be perfect for you.” 

He clicked his pen. “Now, help me finish this crossword so we can get a wriggle on. What’s a ten letter phrase for ‘Piracy proclamation issued by King George I in 1717’?”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Stede frowned at the bathroom mirror. He had been trying for the last fifteen minutes to tame a single wayward blond curl that just didn’t want to cooperate. He huffed out a breath of defeat; this was as good as it was going to get. 

He looked over his outfit one last time, nodding in approval. He’d fallen in love with the suit as soon as he laid eyes on it at his tailor’s shop. The teal was absolutely lovely, and the stylized pattern of tall ships and waves in champagne was a fun bit of detailing. Tonight he had paired it with a classic white button-down shirt, and finished off the look with a champagne bow tie and matching pocket square. 

He padded down the hall, nearly silent on socked feet, and popped his head into the bedroom to check on Ed. He was humming happily as he leaned forward, preoccupied with applying his eyeliner in the dresser mirror. Stede took the opportunity to just watch him for a minute. 

It had taken them less than ten minutes to find the perfect outfit for Ed. He had found a purple velvet suit jacket that Stede quite honestly forgot he even owned. It was a lovely dark plum color, and was covered in a delicate pattern of blossoms and branches. He had paired the jacket with slacks and a button-down shirt in his signature black, and added a lovely purple and gold paisley tie. He had pulled his hair up in a half bun, loose gunmetal curls tumbling over his shoulders and down his back, complementing the jacket perfectly. He was stunning from head to toe. 

As Ed finished his makeup, he caught Stede’s reflection peeking through the doorway behind him. “You know you can come in, right? ‘S your room too.” He smiled as his eyes met Stede’s in the mirror. He turned around as Stede stepped into the room with a bright smile of his own. 

“Oh, look at you,” Stede breathed. “Incredible.” 

He came a few steps closer, but stopped short when he saw Ed’s face. He was slowly looking Stede up and down, wide-eyed and unblinking, he appeared to be a teensy bit slack-jawed, and… was he holding his breath? Stede wasn’t great with non-verbal cues to begin with, but Ed’s current expression had him completely flummoxed. His smile started to fade as he tried to figure out where he’d messed up. 

But then,

“Wow,” Ed said breathlessly. “You look… wow.”

Stede glanced down at himself and smoothed invisible wrinkles from his jacket. “Are you sure it’s not too much?” he asked hesitantly, suddenly unsure.

Ed seemed to be recovering from whatever had made him look at Stede with that weird expression. He rapidly blinked a few times and shook his head slowly. “No… it’s perfect. You’re perfect. Radiant. Don’t change a thing.” Then he smiled.

Stede finally relaxed; whatever had been bothering Ed earlier hadn’t been about him. He smiled and stepped in close, adjusting Ed’s tie and brushing imaginary lint from the shoulders of Ed’s jacket. “We clean up quite nicely, don’t we?”

Ed reached out to give Stede’s bow tie the barest tweak and tugged lightly on the lapels of his jacket. “Yeah. We do.” He rubbed the lapel of Stede’s jacket between his thumb and index finger. “Is this silk?”

“Oh!” Stede perked up. “It’s actually a rather exquisite cashmere.”

“Rather exquisite cashmere,” Ed mumbled before snapping himself out of his reverie with a quick shake. “Right, well, we should probably get going.”

“Yep. I just need shoes.” Stede sat on the bed to put on his black oxfords.

“Mate,” Ed was staring at Stede’s feet, “are those squids on your socks?”

“No, dear. They’re socktopuses,” Stede said in a voice laced with amusement as he finished tying his shoes. “You can thank your mom. She bought them for me. And I think they really tie my whole ensemble together.”

Ed laughed as he shoved his feet into his boots. “You’re so weird. I love it.”

“You love that I’m weird?” Stede asked skeptically as he got to his feet.

“Fuck, yeah. It’s one of my favorite things about you,” Ed said as he followed Stede out of the bedroom. “I’ll meet you in the car, yeah? I gotta go mug a guy for a dinghy.” He ducked into the bathroom.

“Hey, Ed? You know what I just realized?” Stede called out as he grabbed Ed’s keys from the bowl on the counter.

“What’s that?” came the muffled reply from the bathroom.

“We’ve been living together for a year now. So I suppose that makes tonight’s dinner kind of like our anniversary. Isn’t that fun?”

There was a lengthy silence from the bathroom before Ed finally responded. “Well, then I guess it’s a good thing we decided to dress up.”

“I know! What a lovely coincidence!” Stede replied cheerfully. “Right-o. I’ll be in the car.”

The drive to the restaurant had been kind of odd. Ed had been uncharacteristically quiet and sweatier than usual. By the time they pulled into a parking spot, Stede had a strong suspicion that something was wrong. 

“Hang on a second,” Stede said before Ed could open the driver side door. “Are you feeling okay?”

Ed looked surprised. “Yeah. Why?”

“Well,” Stede considered his words, “as Lucius would say, the vibes are off. And you made that pit stop before we left. Plus, you had a really weird look on your face when we were getting ready earlier. If you’re coming down with a bug, we should go home. 

“I feel fine. Really,” Ed insisted.

“You don’t have to tough it out for me, Edward. Really. We can do fancy dress-up dinner some other time; the restaurant isn’t going anywhere.”

Ed buried his face in his hands and groaned something unintelligible. He took a couple deep breaths, then he dropped his hands and looked at Stede. “Mate, I’m not sick. I was just a little nervous. We decided on Willow this morning, so we don’t have a reservation. It hit me earlier that we might not get a table.” 

“That’s all?” Stede looked dubious.

“That’s all,” Ed reassured him. “Now, come on. Let’s see if we’re in luck.”

As it turned out, they were – sort of. The host explained that while it was a particularly busy night – the event room had been rented out for a large party, in addition to their regular business – there was one table still available if they wanted it. The downside was that it was next to the event room, so it could get a bit loud. Stede assured her that it was fine; they just really appreciated that there was a table open at all. 

“See, Ed? You were worried for nothing,” Stede said over his shoulder as the host led them through the restaurant, stopping at the doorway that opened into the event room. 

A loud, distinctive laugh drew Stede’s attention. Lucius, Pete, and Fang were seated at a table in the event room. What were the odds that three of his and Ed’s friends were attending an event at the same time and in the same place where they had chosen to celebrate their one year roommate-iversay? The host said something behind him, but he barely heard; he’d gotten distracted by a sour-faced Izzy sitting at another table. He was slumped in a chair with his arms crossed across his chest, looking like he’d rather be anywhere else. 

Then Stede’s eyes flicked up to a banner on the wall. Will you marry me? Oh! Someone – a mutual friend maybe? – was getting engaged. He turned around to ask Ed if he knew who it was, and froze.

Because Ed was on one knee, holding out a small box containing a silver titanium ring engraved with a lovely Victorian floral pattern, and three blue, oval cut stones. 

Stede was struggling to make sense of what he was seeing. Some part of him was on the verge of panic, but on the whole he was remarkably calm. It was as if his brain had ground to a halt. He knew that what was happening was important, but he needed more time to piece it all together coherently. His brain tossed out a single frantic thought, a lifeline for a drowning man, and he blurted out, “Ed! Your knee!”

Ed laughed. “I’m fine, Stede.”

“No, your knee’s going to get locked up if you stay like that. Come on. Get up.”

“You would do this now. You’re insane, you know that?” Ed laughed, allowing Stede to help him up.

“Forgive me for not wanting a repeat of the hiking incident, Edward,” Stede said with just a hint of testiness. 

“Okay, okay, I’m up.” Ed continued to look at him expectantly, still holding out the ring box. “Sooo? What do you say?”

What. The. Fuck? 

That’s what he wanted to say, anyway.

This had to be some kind of fuckery. But Ed would never be intentionally malicious; that, Stede knew with certainty. It was also complex and a little ostentatious; Ed didn’t have the attention span for a prank of this magnitude. 

Really, it had all the earmarks of a Frenchie caper. And if that were the case, Stede kind of understood why he’d been kept in the dark. Most of Frenchie’s schemes had some sort of positive purpose, and he had accidentally thrown a wrench into more than one of Frenchie’s prior stunts. 

Maybe asking Ed to participate was Frenchie’s way of including Stede, letting him know that it was safe to go along with whatever the plan even though he didn’t know the details? 

Ed knew the game plan, and he could trust Ed to ensure he wasn’t made a fool of. So, Stede decided to just go along with it. At least, until he could take Ed aside and find out what Frenchie was up to with this ridiculous escapade. 

He smiled sweetly at Ed, finally answering him. “Yeah.”

“Yes?” Ed sounded a little unsure.

“Mm-hm,” Stede replied.

“Yes?!” 

“Yes.”

“Fuckin’, this is great!” Ed bounced up and down on the balls of his feet, beaming as the room exploded in applause and at least one wolf-whistle. Ed slipped the ring on Stede’s finger. It fit perfectly.

Everyone was treating them as if they had actually gotten engaged. Friends and family congratulated them and wished them well. It was surreal. Stede had so many questions, and, for some reason, a growing feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach. Still, it took him an embarrassingly long time to realize just how badly he’d fucked up.  

The first shoe dropped when Lucius and Roach pulled him into a conversation while Ed was busy talking to Fang and Pete. 

“Oh, my god, this is happening,” Lucius clapped his hands together excitedly.

“So, I guess you and Ed weren’t just roommates after all,” Roach said.

“We are roommates, Roach,” Stede said automatically.

“Yeah, but you’re not just roommates .” Lucius interjected, practically oozing with self-satisfaction. 

Wait. Was that why Lucius had kept saying ‘roommates’ like that? He was implying that Stede and Ed were living together as a couple.

“I gotta admit, I did not think that it was possible for you, Stede Jemima Bonnet, to ever be in a long-term relationship without obsessing about it. All the time. Loudly. In public. Frankly, I’m a little offended that I had to find out from Ed that you two were at the engagement stage already.”

Stede’s brain stopped functioning for the second time that night. He stared at Lucius, at a complete loss for words.

“Oh my god, babe, I’m just teasing. But you can make it up to me by letting me help plan the wedding.” Lucius scrunched up his face in a cheeky smile. 

“And I’m making the cake, right? Right? ” Roach added.

“Oh my god, Roach. There are more important things right now than who’s making the cake,” Lucius said sarcastically. 

Roach made a disgusted sound and walked away. 

“So, babe,” Lucius turned his attention back to Stede, “now that it’s all out in the open, I want every detail. How long have you been an item? Did it start before or after you moved in together? If it started after, how long did it take for you to make the leap?”

Lucius’ voice faded to a buzz in the background as Stede wrestled with this new information. 

Had… he… been in a celibate relationship with his roommate for – he did some mental math – eight months? And had he just said yes to that roommate’s actually very real marriage proposal?

No. That was silly. Ed was straight, like him. They were just super close best friends. He just– he really needed to talk to Ed, so that he wasn’t the only person in the group who didn’t know what Frenchie was doing.

The other shoe dropped when Izzy cornered him to “have a chat.”

“Edward is my oldest and dearest friend, Bonnet. So do not– Fuck this up.” He emphasized his point by jabbing Stede in the chest with his index finger. “He adores you. Why, I’ll never know, but… he does.” Izzy leaned in close to Stede’s face and growled, “If you hurt him, I’ll hurt you. Do you understand?”

No. I don’t understand anything that’s happened tonight .

Stede nodded.

Izzy gave him the once over. “Jesus Christ, Bonnet. You look like you’re about to shit your pants. Haven’t you ever gotten the shovel talk before?” He rolled his eyes. “Just calm the fuck down, okay? I’m not going to actually hurt the guy who pulled off a fucking miracle. 

“Miracle?” Stede shook his head in confusion.

“Yeah. After he met you, Ed cut Jack out of his life for good.” 

Jack?

“I could fucking set my watch by that slimy motherfucker. They’d fight, Ed would kick him out, me and the boys would spend weeks pulling Ed out of his funk, and then that twat would show up all apologetic and puppy-eyed, and weasel his way back into Ed’s life.” 

Him? Was… was Jack… CJ? A man?

“But it didn’t work this last time because Ed’s so fucking in love with you or whatever. Told Jack to lose his number, blocked him on everything, and changed the locks at the apartment and the shop.”

Ed’s… Oh.

The dinners, movies, and day trips? Dates!  

The hugs, cuddles, massages? Flirting! 

Ed had introduced him to his moms.

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

“That’s all I wanted to say. I’m gonna go talk to someone I actually like now.” Izzy stalked off, looking for someone else to glower at. 

Stede was too busy silently panicking to pay attention to Izzy’s slight. Ed was his best friend. Ed liked men. Ed had been flirting with him. Ed thought he had been flirting back. Izzy said Ed was in love with him. Ed had proposed…

… and he had said yes.

Well, shit.

Maybe their friendship was still salvageable. Maybe this would just be a blip on the radar, a story they laughed about years from now. Hey, Ed, remember when we accidentally got engaged? That sure was a funny miscommunication, wasn’t it?

He didn’t even sound convincing in his own head. Ed was going to be devastated. Stede had led him on. He may not have been aware he was doing it, but it didn’t matter; he had still done it. He was a garbage person. Ed deserved so much better. 

He was hiding in a corner, thinking about what a colossal fuck-up he was and how he always managed to ruin everything good in his life, when he caught Ed coming toward in him in his peripheral vision.

“Hey there, love. I was wondering where you’d gotten to.” Ed took Stede’s hands in his and started rubbing soothing circles with his thumbs. 

Love? Oh, fuck.

“Uh,” Stede said hesitantly, “I’m just feeling a bit overwhelmed. I needed some time.”

Ed nodded. “Tonight’s been a lot… And I really threw you for a loop, huh?”

Stede huffed out a stressed laugh. “I can honestly say I did not see this coming.”

Ed broke into a grin. “I’ve been planning this for months. Ended up having to loop in Lucius because I needed help. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get the town gossip to keep a secret? I thought he was going to blow the surprise more than once.”

“Months?” Stede closed his eyes and sighed wearily. This had been in the works for months. How had he not seen it coming? 

“You okay, love?”

Stede nodded.

No. I’m the furthest thing from okay. Okay disappeared in the rearview mirror ages ago.  

“Just tired.”

Ed hummed sympathetically. “Well, I know Mum and Pop wanted to talk to us, but we could just head home after that. Sound good?” 

Of course Ed’s moms were here.

Stede nodded tiredly. “Yeah. Sounds good.”

They found Liz and Poppy standing next to one of the Willow’s large indoor planters. Poppy was critiquing the restaurant’s choice in flora while Liz laughed into her glass of wine.

“Mum, Pop, look who I found,” Ed said when Poppy paused for breath.

“Ah, my precious boys!” Liz opened her arms for a hug. “We love you both so very much.” 

“Welcome to our family, Stede,” Poppy added with a big smile.

Family? Oh, god. Here was another thing he was going to ruin if he confessed his mistake to Ed. 

“I brought you a gift,” Liz said.

“Mum, I told you you didn’t have to do that.”

“You hush now.” Liz patted Ed’s cheek. “I’m allowed to give my boys an engagement present if I want to.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry,” Ed said, chastised.

“Do you remember the scarf I wore for Poppy’s and my wedding?”

Ed nodded. “The red, silk one? Yeah. Why?”

Liz reached into her purse and pulled out a red cloth. “I asked a seamstress friend of mine to turn it into a set of matching pocket squares for the two of you.” 

“Mum,” Ed breathed, blinking back tears.

She folded up the piece of silk in her hand and tucked it gently into the breast pocket of Ed’s jacket. “I love you, baby.”

Ed pulled her into a bear hug and buried his face in her shoulder, mumbling, “I love you too, mama.”

She turned to Stede, pulling another piece of red silk from her bag. “Now, I know the red doesn’t go with your current color palette.” Liz took his hand, placed the pocket square in his palm, and gently covered it with her own hand. “So, just put this someplace safe for now.”

Stede nodded numbly and tucked the silk square into the inner pocket of his suit jacket. “Thank you, Liz. This is so much more than I deserve,” he said in a quivery voice. 

“Oh, sweetheart,” she said, pulling Stede into another hug, “you deserve this and so much more. You know what else?” She brushed a curl from his forehead. “You should call me – both of us – mum.”

Stede nodded mutely, certain that if he opened his mouth he would completely break down, a sobbing mess in the middle of his favorite restaurant in front of his favorite people.

It took him a while, but he managed to wrestle back his composure. And a short time after that, he and Ed said their goodbyes and headed for the parking lot.

“So, um,” Ed said cautiously as they walked to the car, “I know tonight’s been a lot, but I was wondering, and you can say no.”

Where was Ed going with this?

“Can I kiss you?” Ed asked hopefully.

Could he? Well, Stede thought, it was a reasonable request. And it’s not like the thought had never crossed his mind. But everyone wondered from time to time what it would be like to kiss their best friend.

No. No! It would be especially cruel to let Ed kiss him under false pretenses. Plus, he was straight. 

“I don’t think I’m quite ready for that yet,” Stede said quietly, avoiding Ed’s eyes.

“Save it for the wedding. Got it,” Ed said considerately as he opened the passenger door for Stede.

How the hell was he going to fix this?

Chapter Text

Stede stared morosely into his half-empty cup of tea. He’d been engaged to Ed for three days, and he’d only gotten more confused with each passing day. It had seemed so clear at the restaurant that he should confess everything to Ed. It was the right thing to do. He would lose his best friend and his home, but that seemed like a fitting punishment for being a piece of trash. 

When he wasn’t obsessing over how to tell Ed the truth in the least damaging way possible, he was reminding himself that his parents, the Badmintons, everyone who had ever met him were right. He was weak, lily-livered, and self-centered. A disappointment and complete fuck-up. He’d taken advantage of his best friend, led him on, and was going to crush him. Ed deserved so much better, and he, well, he deserved to be alone. 

He’d been laying in bed, wide awake, wrestling with his thoughts for the second night in a row when a new – terrible, selfish, cowardly – idea wormed its way into his head. Ed was spooning him, snuggled in close against his back, breathing softly against his neck, and Stede had been thinking about how much he loved living with Ed and how much he was going to miss it when Ed kicked him out. It struck him that despite the change in relationship status, their day to day lives had carried on pretty much as usual; the only noticeable difference had been an uptick in Ed’s usage of pet names, which, if Stede was being honest, he actually really liked once the initial shock had worn off. 

Well, if being engaged was just best friends-slash-roommates with jewelry, his frantic, stressed-out, sleep-deprived brain reasoned, then being married would probably just be best friends-slash-roommates with double the jewelry plus tax breaks. 

You could just go through with it, the voice in his head said. You and Mary didn’t love each other and that marriage still lasted for over a decade. You do love Ed – he’s your best friend – and he loves you, so you’re already off to a better start this time. The voice made an alarmingly cogent argument. You wouldn’t scar Ed for life, you’d still have your best friend, and the icing on the cake - you’d have two moms who actually like you. 

It was so tempting… and so wrong. 

And there was another thought, one that he tried to ignore, but that burst into his conscious mind at the most inopportune times. What if he went through with it, married his best friend, and then Ed wanted to… do stuff? 

Nope. No. Not going to think about that now. That was for future Stede to deal with.

He made a face. Why was he spending so much time thinking about this anyway? It was a horrible idea; it would only delay the inevitable, and it would definitely exacerbate things. Because when Ed found out that Stede was a filthy liar, he would cut Stede out of his life forever. The only variable was whether he broke Ed’s heart now or shattered it months or years down the road.

He was well aware that the current situation was untenable. Something needed to happen soon. But if the increasingly unhinged “solutions” supplied by his brain were any indication, he couldn’t be trusted to make this decision on his own; he needed to talk it through with one of the crew. He needed someone objective, but also someone he could trust. His first instinct was to ask Lucius; he’d been quite supportive during Stede’s divorce. But Lu was too involved already, and he could be quite catty. He swore that was just how he talked, but Stede knew it would just make him feel worse than he already did. 

Oluwande seemed like the next logical choice. He was calm, sensible, and generally tactful in his criticism. Yes, Oluwande was–

Ed snuffled in his sleep and pulled Stede closer.

Shit.

Stede sighed in defeat. He would text Olu in the morning.

Oluwande suggested they meet at Javawocky, a cafe near his and Jim’s apartment. Stede had arrived early as usual, so he settled in with his cup of Tahitian vanilla and lavender tea on the back patio to wait. He glanced around, thankful that the patio was deserted on a Tuesday afternoon. He wouldn’t have to worry about anyone overhearing what was bound to be one of the most embarrassing conversations of his life. 

“Hey, Stede. Been waiting long?” Oluwande asked as he sat down across from Stede.

Stede looked up from the napkin he was currently shredding. “Oh. Not too long. It’s just– I finished my tea and I needed to do something with my hands.” He gave Oluwande a quizzical look. “Were you going to get something to drink?”

“Ah, yeah, about that,” Oluwande said, “Jim’s here too. They’re inside picking up our order.” 

“Oh,” Stede breathed, sagging in his chair.

“But I can ask them to leave if you want.”

“No, it’s fine.” Stede tried to sound reassuring. “I assumed you were going to tell them everything we talked about anyway, so,” he shrugged, “they may as well join us.” 

Oluwande nodded. “So, what’s going on? Cause, no offense, but you look–”

“Like shit,” Jim finished, sliding into the seat next to Oluwande. “Te tengo el orangutan, amor.” They handed Oluwande a cup of coffee that smelled like chocolate and oranges.

“Gracias, naranjite. So, Stede,” Oluwande continued, “you said you needed help. I’m sure whatever it is, the three of us will be able to figure out a solution.”

Stede huffed out a single wry chuckle. “You haven’t heard what it is yet.”

“Well, don’t keep us waiting, hombre.” Jim pulled out their phone. “I’ll be kind of pissed if I had to stop roasting the shit out of Pete for nothing.”

Stede took a breath. “As you know, Edward proposed a few days ago.”

“Yeah, we were there,” Jim said without looking up from their phone. “You said yes. So, congratulations or whatever.”

“Uh-huh,” Stede cleared his throat, “about that…” he trailed off.

Jim’s thumb paused as they looked up from their phone. Oluwande raised his eyebrows in a silent question.

“There are, um, a few, uh, complications?” Stede said, trying to choose his words carefully. 

“Oh, this is gonna be good,” Jim mumbled.

“Like,” Stede continued, “I didn’t know we were in that kind of relationship.”

Oluwande closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Jim looked completely unsurprised.

“Also, I didn’t know Ed was gay.”

Jim blinked a few times and their nostrils flared, but that was it.

“Third, I’m not gay.”

“Okay, that’s… a lot to take in at once,” Oluwande said soberly. 

“Let me just make sure I’ve got this.” Jim sat up straighter.

Oluwande gave them a look, and they held up a hand in acknowledgement. “You and Ed have been together… as in, dating… like, as a couple… for months… Only… you… didn’t realize it?”

Stede could feel his face getting hot. Was Jim holding back laughter?!

“And you two have lived together for a year… But, you didn’t know he was into dudes?” They sucked in their lips and looked to the sky.

“I thought we were just doing normal best friend and roommate things.” Stede paused. “I mean, Ed never went on a single date.” He looked up from the table at the sound of a snort. “Oh, would you just let it out before you have an aneurysm?” he snarked at a Jim who was shaking with suppressed laughter. 

“Because he was dating you,” Oluwande said calmly as Jim burst into peals of laughter.

“But how did you not know that Ed likes guys?” Oluwande looked puzzled. “You must have talked about your past relationships at some point.”

“Well, Mary’s my only ex. There wasn’t much to tell.”

“Yeah, but Ed told you about his exes, right?”

“I mean, I know the broad strokes, some names, but Ed’s past is Ed’s business. I didn’t want to pry.”

Oluwande pinched the bridge of his nose. “Stede, what did you think CJ stood for?”

“Well, I know now that CJ stands for Jack.”

“What did you think it stood for?” Jim choked out.

“Claudia Jean?” Stede winced.

“Jesus Christ,” Oluwande muttered as Jim burst into another fit of laughter. “Okay, well, what about Sam?” 

“Samantha.”

“Samuel.”

“Lots of Samanthas go by Sam. I think that’s a pretty easy mistake to make.” Stede looked offended.

“Fine, but Charlie?”

“Charlotte,” Stede said matter-of-factly.

“Charlie?!”

“Yes, I’ve definitely heard Charlie used as a nickname for Charlotte!”

Oluwande threw up his hands in exasperation. “It’s like the most common nickname for Charles, Stede!” 

“Wow,” Jim muttered. 

“Okay, but you must have figured out points one and two when Ed got down on one knee. So, if you’re straight–”

Jim suddenly cut Oluwande off with a coughing fit that sounded suspiciously like “bullshit.” 

“Why did you say yes?” Oluwande asked as gently as he could.

“I don’t know.” Stede wanted to crawl under a rock. “I assumed it was one of Frenchie’s schemes. I mean, I ruin everything, so it made sense that none of you would have told me about it.” He shrugged. “But I trust Ed with my life, and if he was in on the joke, I figured I could just go with it and ask him about it later. He’d never do anything to hurt me, and he wouldn’t let anyone else either.” 

Stede picked up the napkin and started shredding again. “I didn’t realize it was for real until Izzy said something. By then it was too late to say anything.”

He took a shaky breath. “He’s my best friend. I love him, and I don’t want to lose him. How do I explain that I didn’t understand what was happening, that I wasn’t using him?” A tear slid down his cheek. “This is going to break him. I mean, how did I not know I was in a relationship?” He sniffled. “I’m sad, I feel lost, and I’m terrified that I’m going to lose my best friend. But Ed deserves to know the truth.”

Jim, who was back on their phone, made a dismissive noise.

“On the other hand, I think I could fake it.” Stede sighed. “I know that’s wrong, but I really don’t want to lose my best friend, and I don’t want to be alone.”

Jim snorted. “Your ass is grass, man.”

Stede groaned.

“No really,” they said, “you’re fucked. Because no matter what you decide to do, Ed will be hurt.”

“Completely agree.” Lucius’ voice sounded from where Jim had laid their phone on the table.

Stede yelped in surprise. “You called Lucius?!” 

“Of course, they called me. You should have called me!” Lucius snipped over the phone.

“How much did you hear?” Stede asked, already resigned to Lucius making this a whole thing.

“Enough. Now you listen to me, Stede Montague Bonnet.” Uh oh. Lucius had used his actual middle name. He was serious. “If you marry Ed, and he finds out that your entire relationship is built on a lie, the fallout is going to be so much worse than if you just put on your big boy pants and were honest with him now.”

Stede thunked his head down on the table. “Fuck. Everything I touch turns to shit. Things were going too well. Living with Ed was too good. I should have known I’d mess it all up. That’s all I know how to do – turn everything to rot.”

“No, Stede,” Oluwande said softly, “you haven’t ruined anything, and you’re not fucked.” Stede raised his head to look dubiously at Oluwande. “You just need to talk to Ed soon, and explain everything to him. Yes, he’s going to be upset, but I really don’t think he’s going to ask you to move out.”

“You can’t know that! Why wouldn’t he just cut me out of his life once he realizes that I’m a monster?”

“Because he loves you, you nincompoop!” Lucius yelled through the phone. “And yes, we can know. We’ve all had front row seats to the Stedward Show for the last year and a half.”

Stede made a noise of protest, but Lucius cut him off. “Zip it, Stede! Ed’s so fucking in love with you, it’s disgusting. And you’re in love with him too, by the way. You’re just too repressed to admit it.”

“Lucius–” Stede started.

“I’m not done! Stop lying to Ed. Stop lying to yourself. Just fucking communicate with your boyfriend already. Now, I’m done.”

“Lucius,” Stede said carefully, “yes, I love Ed. He’s my best friend. But I’m straight.” His stomach did a weird flip-floppy thing.

“Yeah, Stede, you’re the straightest straight man that ever heteroed.” Stede could practically hear Lucius roll his eyes. 

“Lucius, I was married. To a woman.”

“So what? Like that’s supposed to mean something.” There was a pause and then a sigh. “I hate your parents so much, Stede.” Another sigh. “That’s all I’ve got. Olu? Jim? You’re up.”

Jim shrugged. “I don’t know what you want me to say. I still think his ass is grass.”

“Stede,” Oluwande tried, “you’re scared, you’re catastrophizing, and you’re hearing some things that might be making you uncomfortable.” He was handling Stede like he was made of glass. “This is absolutely a shitty situation, and your feelings are completely valid. But you can’t run away from this. It’s not fair to Ed, and it’s not fair to you either.” He patted Stede’s hand. “No matter what happens, we’ll be here for you.”

Stede buried his face in his hands. 

“Talk to Ed,” Oluwande finished, “please.”

After getting no response, he let Stede know that he and Jim were going to go. He gently reminded Stede to take some time to think about what they’d talked about, and to be kind to himself. “We’re only a text away, if you need anything. It’s going to be okay.”

Stede listened to the sound of receding footsteps and Jim murmuring, “Oh, come on. No one could have seen that coming… Well, I already bought us an espresso machine, so they’re shit out of luck.” 

When it was quiet again, he slowly lifted his face from his hands. He had wanted advice, and he knew Oluwande and Lucius were right; telling Ed was the honorable thing to do, even if he wanted nothing to do with Stede afterward. 

He was restless. But every time he thought about going home to face Ed, his heart squeezed painfully and his lungs seized up. He couldn’t stay at the cafe. He needed to move, but he couldn’t go home. Not yet. He needed more time to think, needed to avoid the consequences of his stupidity for as long as possible. He slid behind the wheel of his car and just started driving. He didn’t have a destination in mind, just Not Home. 

In retrospect, it probably wasn’t the smartest idea to try piloting a two-ton killing machine while he was distracted and emotional. He should probably get off the road until he could regain some of his composure. Luckily, he was in a residential neighborhood; he could just pull over to the curb. His phone lit up, the ringtone alerting him to an incoming call, just as he finished parking. Who was calling him? Nobody talked on the phone anymore. He grabbed his phone to see who it was.

Ed. 

Ed was calling. Not texting. He couldn’t talk to Ed right now. He would know something was wrong as soon as Stede opened his mouth.

Stede stared at the phone in his hand until it stopped ringing and the screen went dark. A minute later, there was a ding, and the screen lit up with a voicemail notification. There were also notifications for about a half dozen unread texts, all from Ed. In a fit of panic, Stede turned off the ringer, and flung his phone at the passenger seat as if it had burned him.

Fuck.

He gripped the top of the steering wheel with both hands hard enough to turn his knuckles white, and leaned forward, resting his forehead on his arms. He closed his eyes and did some breathing exercises in an effort to calm down. 

He jerked up at the sound of tapping on the driver side window. It was darker than it had been when he’d closed his eyes. He must have fallen asleep in the middle of his box breathing. How long had he been out?

Then Stede heard it again. Tap-tap-tap . He turned toward the source.

Ed’s stepmom was leaning against the car, tapping on the window. She smiled and gave him a little finger wave.

“What are you doing out here?” she asked through the glass. “Come inside.” 

No, no, no, no, no. How had he ended up here ? Why did he keep finding ways to make things worse?

“I–” Stede struggled to come up with an excuse. “I’m fine. Thanks, though.” He smiled weakly. 

“I’ll never hear the end of it if Liz finds out that you were here and I didn’t bring you inside to say hello.” She crooked her finger at him. “Come on.”

Fuuuuuck.

“Look who I found!” Poppy called as she ushered Stede through the front door. 

Liz stepped out of the kitchen, drying her hands on a towel. “Stede! Come here and give me a hug, sweetheart.” She smiled brightly and opened her arms wide.

Stede’s stomach lurched, and he was thankful the only thing he’d had since breakfast was a cup of tea. He forced a smile and allowed Liz to gather him into a warm hug. He wrapped his arms around her back and held on for dear life with his face buried in the crook of her shoulder.

After hours, or maybe just a minute, Liz spoke. “Do you want to tell Poppy and me what’s bothering you?” She rubbed his back soothingly. “Edward called earlier. He wanted to know if we’d heard from you. He sounded worried.” 

Stede stiffened.

Liz stepped back far enough to see his panic-stricken face. “Oh, Stede. Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” 

“Please don’t tell Ed that I’m here,” he whispered. Asking Ed’s mom to lie for him was definitely a dick move, but he just wasn’t ready to face Ed yet. 

“Well, I can’t promise I won’t ever tell him, but right now I’m more concerned about you. You look absolutely shattered, like you haven’t slept in days. Like you have the world on your shoulders.” 

Stede huffed out a wry chuckle. 

“So here’s what I think we should do. You and I are going to sit down on the sofa right over there. Poppy will make tea for the three of us, and once she’s back, you can tell us what’s going on. Sound good?”

Stede nodded and allowed Liz to lead him to the sofa. He sank into the middle cushion and stared at his lap. They sat in silence until Poppy returned with tea and snacks. When everyone was settled with their tea, Liz finally spoke.

“Sweetheart,”she said, brushing a lock of Stede’s hair off of his forehead, “did you and Edward get into an argument?”

“Not yet.” Stede said it so softly that if the women hadn’t been sitting right next to him, they might not have heard him. 

He couldn’t look at either of them. He didn’t want to watch their motherly concern transform into frosty disappointment when they found out how awful he actually was. 

“I’m a monster,” he said softly, staring into his cup.

“Well, that’s not true at all,” Poppy reassured him.

Stede grimaced and shook his head. “No, I am. You’re going to hate me. And I deserve it.” 

“There is nothing you could do or say that would make us hate you,” Liz said with the gentle firmness of a mother. “I promise.”

Stede wanted to believe them so badly; he ached to be the focus of that unconditional love. But a lifetime of experience had taught him that he was fundamentally unlovable. There were always conditions for being loved, and he never measured up. Even people who he had thought liked him quickly grew tired of his Stede-ness; there was always a limit to everyone’s willingness to tolerate him. 

“I’ve done something horrible, and I don’t think I can fix it,” he blurted out. “I’ve been lying to Ed for months. Only, I didn’t know I was lying until Saturday.” He inhaled shakily. “Ed’s going to hate me. He’ll never want me anywhere near him ever again.”

“Okay, let’s just take this.” Poppy carefully extricated Stede’s cup from his trembling hands before he sloshed too much tea over the edge. “We’re going to set it down right here on the coffee table.” 

Stede’s breath caught. Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god. This was it. They were going to tell him to get out and never come back. 

Instead, Poppy patted his knee. “Now, I think it’s probably a skosh more complicated than you were mean to Ed and he’s going to break up with you because of it.”

Liz hummed in agreement. “You said you weren’t even aware that you were being untruthful until Saturday. It sounds to me like you’re beating yourself up over the possibility that you might hurt Edward.” She paused, looking thoughtful. “Saturday? You and Edward got engaged on Saturday.” 

Stede buried his face in his hands.

“Dearest,” Liz said calmly, “what was it that you realized you were lying about on Saturday?” 

Stede murmured something into his hands. 

“I can’t understand you when you mumble. Try again.”

He dropped his hands, but wouldn’t look at either of them. “I didn’t realize Ed and I were a couple.” He buried his face back in his hands with a groan.

Liz and Poppy exchanged a bemused look.

“Okay,” Liz said gently, “I can see why that revelation might be upsetting, but I think we’re still going to need more information.” She lightly hooked a finger under Stede’s chin, guiding his head out of his hands and turning his face toward her. “Neither of us is angry or disappointed, and we certainly don’t hate you. We would like to understand your perspective though.” She smiled at him. “So, start wherever you want, sweetheart. Tell us whatever you think is relevant, anything you think we need to know in order to see the whole picture.” She brushed his hair from his forehead. “Just please, talk to us.”

So he did. 

He told them about his lonely childhood, molded by authoritarian parents and endless bullying that continued into adulthood. He talked about his desperate attempt to make his parents proud by marrying the daughter of close family friends, their subsequent divorce, and his father disinheriting him as a result. 

He told them about meeting Ed, how he’d been instantly comfortable, how it had felt like he’d known Ed for ages. He talked about how isolating his childhood was, and how he had difficulty feeling like he belonged even as an adult. How he’d known Lucius for years, had met the rest of the crew through him, and truly did consider them to be his friends, but could never completely relax around any of them, even Lucius. He just always seemed to be waiting for them to tell him to get lost. He confessed that he’d never had a best friend before Ed, and had assumed that all the relationship talk was standard best friend conversation. 

He told them how it took him most of Saturday evening to put the pieces together, and how he didn’t know what to do once he figured it all out because Ed was the most important person in his life and he didn’t want to lose him.

“Wow.” Poppy said when he’d finished speaking. “You never had a chance.” There was an edge to her words.

There was the anger Stede had been bracing for all night. He focused his gaze on his cup on the coffee table. “Yeah, I know. Ed deserves so much better. He should be surrounded by the most wonderful and amazing people. I’m not even good enough to be his friend.”

“Oh, honey, no. That’s not what I’m saying.” She took his hand in both of hers. “I’m saying your parents – really, everyone in your life up until very recently – set you up to fail. You have no way of knowing what love is supposed to look and feel like because it was never modeled for you. You never experienced it. Baby, you were never shown any.”

“Well, I never earned it, so–” Stede started, but Liz interrupted him.

“No, sweetheart, love isn’t something you should have to earn. It should be given freely; there’s more than enough to go around. And you, my golden ray of sunshine, deserve to love and to be loved just as much as everyone else. Now, you may not see it yet, since I’m guessing the only examples you’ve had to go on were unrealistic romance novels and romantic comedy films.” 

“Are they really that unrealistic?” Stede mumbled.

“Yes.” She smiled. “So, listen to your mom. You don’t recognize it for what it is right now, but love already knows you. And it will wait patiently until you're ready.”

Poppy and Liz sat quietly, waiting for Stede to process what they’d said. Eventually, he gave himself a little shake and took a breath. “So, how does it feel,” he asked, looking back and forth between Liz and Poppy,  “to be in love?”

Each met the other’s eyes and they smiled fondly.

“It’s easy,” Liz said, “natural, like breathing.”

“She understands my idiosyncrasies,” Poppy smiled.

“I love them!” Liz laughed. “They’re charming.”

Stede thought about how he always teased Ed about his sweet tooth, but secretly, he  loved it; the way Ed lit up when Stede showed him the auxiliary wardrobe for the first  time…

“And we expose each other to new things,” Liz continued.

… Ed taking him to the waterpark for the first time. Lounging in the double inner tube as  they floated on the Lazy River, while Stede infodumped about waterslide design and  aerodynamics, the best and worst waterslides, waterslide accidents…

“We’re getting our scuba certifications so Liz can swim with the manta rays,” Poppy whispered loudly.

Liz laughed, and placed her hands over her heart as she looked lovingly at Poppy. “The butterflies of the ocean.”

“And we laugh a lot!” Poppy exclaimed.

… the time he and Ed attempted to make Roach’s forty orange cake recipe and ended  up sitting on the kitchen floor covered in orange juice and flour, eating surprisingly good  cake and giggling at the peeling sound of sticky clothes and skin against linoleum or  varnished wood whenever one of them moved.

“We just pass the time so well.” Liz paused. “I’d call those things love.”

“Me too,” Poppy said softly, looking a little teary.

Stede frowned. He felt like he was missing something right in front of him. “But that’s…” It was staring him in the face; he just couldn’t quite see it. “That’s how I… how Ed… We…”

That’s how he felt when he was with Ed. 

Oh.

Oh.

Stede sat back on the sofa, feeling a bit shell shocked. He breathed out a soft ooooh. “I have to go,” he said, teary-eyed. “I need to talk to Ed.”

“I knew you’d get there eventually.” Liz patted his cheek. “I’m so proud of you. Now, get going.” She inclined her head toward the door.

He made it as far as getting a hand on the doorknob, when he paused and looked back at them, suddenly unsure. “What if it’s too late? What if I’ve already ruined everything?”

“GOOOOOO!” Liz and Poppy said in unison and pointed at the door.

Stede rushed out of the house and slid behind the wheel of his car. He grabbed his phone from the passenger seat where he’d forgotten it earlier and tapped out a quick message to Ed: I’m sorry. I’m on my way home now. Be there soon.

He pressed Send and scrolled back through his missed texts from Ed, cringing as he read them.

E: Hey, babe. I’m thinking we grill steaks tonight for dinner. Sound good?

E: We could do something else if you want. 

E: Soooo steaks?

E: You’re probably in a meeting so I’m making the call. Steaks! 

E: Can you swing by the market on your way home and pick up a couple of rib-eyes?

E: Haven’t heard from you, so I’m just gonna pick up the steaks myself. Ideas for sides? 

E: If you don’t trust me to pick out a good bottle of wine you need to tell me what to get 

E: Let me know when you’re on your way home. I’ll fire up the grill.

E: Is everything okay? You never go this long without texting back. I’m starting to worry,  love

E: Where are you?!

E: Are you upset with me? Did I do something?

E: Whatever it is, I can fix it

E: Stede, pick up the phone!

E: Why won’t you talk to me?

E: At least let me know you’re safe

E: Come home. Please

E: I love you

S: I’m sorry. I’m on my way home now. Be there soon.

He had definitely fucked up big time, and there was a rather loud part of his brain that kept insisting that it didn’t matter that Stede had just experienced what was probably the most important epiphany of his life. When Ed realized what a selfish, deceitful coward he was, he’d be more than happy to be rid of Stede. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stede paused in front of their apartment. He took a deep breath, steeling himself for whatever was waiting on the other side of the door. He’d run through possible scenarios on the drive home, and was pretty sure he’d be facing some version of angry Ed. Not that Stede could blame him; he’d ghosted Ed for the last six hours. He was just really hoping for something closer to annoyed than to irate.

For all his overthinking and catastrophizing, he wasn’t prepared for the miserable-looking Ed that he saw when he walked through the door. Ed was curled up on the couch, wrapped up in his burrito blanket and clutching his whale shark squishmallow. His head whipped around when he heard Stede. He threw aside the blanket and stuffie, and jolted to his feet. In the blink of an eye, he was standing in front of Stede, pulling him into a bone crushing hug, and burying his face in the crook of Stede’s neck.

They stayed like that, with Ed clinging to Stede like it was the only thing keeping him in the apartment and murmuring, “you came back” over and over into his neck, until Stede couldn’t take the guilt anymore.

“I’m so sorry I made you think I left. I’m home now.” He’d hurt Ed so much already, and he hadn’t even gotten to the really bad stuff yet. 

Ed relaxed the hug enough to step back so he could see Stede’s face. And for possibly the first time all day, Stede was face to face with the consequences of his selfishness. Ed looked absolutely wrecked. His eyes were puffy and red from crying; he’d thrown his hair up in a knotted bird’s nest of a bun; and he was wearing his depression sweatpants, one of Stede’s old college t-shirts, and his narwhal slippers. 

“Love, I was so worried.” A tear slid down Ed’s cheek. “I called your office and they said you’d taken the day off. I texted all of our friends. Lucius and Olu said they talked to you this afternoon, and thought you were planning to come straight home. And then you weren’t answering your phone or replying to any of my messages.” He took a ragged breath. “Did I do something? Just tell me what it is. I can fix it.” His chin quivered as a couple more tears slipped free.

Stede shook his head vehemently. “No. No, Ed, you didn’t do anything. You’re wonderful and perfect and too good for me.” He looked at the ceiling, blinking furiously in an attempt to hold back his own tears. “It’s me. I panicked and– and I didn’t know what to do. I needed help, advice. I’m so sorry I made you think it was your fault. It wasn’t, darling. It could never be.” 

“But Lucius said he talked to you this afternoon,” Ed said, visibly confused. “You should have been home hours ago.”

Stede nodded miserably. “Yeah… I think Lucius’ particular brand of helping may have actually made things worse this time.” 

“Okay,” Ed said slowly. He was frowning slightly, and Stede wanted to smooth away the crease between his eyebrows. “So, where were you?” 

Stede’s stomach clenched. This was it. He had to tell Ed everything. No backing out now.

“I–” Stede blew out a shaky breath. Fuck. He couldn’t do this standing in the entryway. “Can we maybe sit down?” He quickly thought through the possibilities, settling on the one he thought would bring up the fewest emotions. “Kitchen table?”

Ed’s eyes widened momentarily and he sucked in a breath. He swallowed and nodded. “Yeah, okay,” he said in a cautious voice. He let go of Stede and stepped to the side. “After you.”

Stede felt the loss of Ed’s warmth immediately, but he’d asked for this, and he should probably get used to it considering what was still to come. He avoided Ed’s eyes as he moved past, and made his way to the kitchen. Ed shuffled along behind him in silence, and after a moment’s hesitation, sat down across the table from Stede. 

The atmosphere was foreboding, heavy with heartache and despair. Stede could feel Ed’s eyes on him. He forced himself to look up; Ed’s expression was scarily impassive.

Stede cleared his throat and said quietly, “I was at Liz and Poppy’s.”

Ed stared at him, impassiveness replaced with bafflement. “You were at Mum and Pop’s?”

Stede nodded once. “I was still a pretty big mess after talking to Lucius and Oluwande, so I went… there.” 

“You were at my parents’,” Ed repeated, “the entire time?” Stede watched as Ed’s face went through a series of emotions. “And not one of you thought to pick up a fucking phone?”

Stede opened in his mouth, but Ed cut him off.

“What the fuck, Stede?!” He knew it was coming, but he still wasn’t prepared for Ed’s anger. “I didn’t know where you were for hours! Hours, Stede! I didn’t know if you were hurt, or dead in a ditch, or– if you’d decided that I wasn’t worth it and just fucked off somewhere!” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Finally, he said, sounding tired, “And it turns out you were visiting my mums.”

Stede winced. “I’m–”

Ed held up a hand. “I called hospitals, Stede. That’s how worried I was.” He looked positively done in, on the verge of tears again. “And do you know what the worst part is? My mum lied to me about it.” He looked like he was going to say something else, but stopped himself.

Stede shook his head quickly. He had to fix this at least. “No, she–”

“Stede, I called her. I asked if she and Poppy had heard from you, and she said no. But you were there.”

“No, Ed.” Stede knew he sounded desperate. “I didn’t show up at your mum’s until after she’d spoken with you. I promise.” Ed didn’t look convinced. “I hadn’t even planned to go there. I was driving around and I… just sort of… ended up parked in front of the house.” 

Stede was teetering on the edge of a breakdown, so he did the only thing he could – he just kept talking. “I was distracted and I didn’t want to get into an accident, so I just pulled over to the nearest curb. I didn’t even realize where I was.” 

Keep talking. Keep talking.

“I was just sitting in the car. And then Poppy was right there, and I wasn’t gonna go in. But she wouldn’t take no for an answer. And then Liz was hugging me and asking me what was wrong.” He couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. “I’m so sorry, Ed. I was just so confused and panicked. I didn’t know what to do, and she was asking. I needed help. I needed to talk to a real, actual adult, like,” he made a wild, confused gesture with his hands, tears streaming down his face.

“You needed a mum,” Ed said quietly, his anger long gone, replaced with a sort of sorrowful understanding, as he blinked back his own tears.

Stede nodded. “And– I acci– dentally left– my phone in the– car, and I’m– really sorry, Ed. ” He was doing his best to speak around his gasps and sobs.

“I just– I don’t understand why you thought you couldn’t talk to me. You’re my best friend. You can tell me anything.” A couple of tears escaped, sliding down Ed’s cheeks, dripping onto his shirt. 

Stede saw Ed reach across the table in his peripheral vision, but his own hands were pulled in close on the tabletop as he kept anxiously twisting the ring on his finger.

“Okay,” Ed said quickly, breathlessly. “It’s okay. You got cold feet. Nothing wrong with that. It happens to lots of people. Engagements can be scary.” He swallowed. “We’ll just– take it slow. We can have a long engagement. We don’t have to rush into any–”

Stede’s panic ratcheted increasingly higher as Ed tried to problem-solve.

Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god. I have to tell him. I have to tell him.

Say it. Just say it, you stupid, spineless waste of space. 

TELL HIM!

“I didn’t know we were dating,” Stede blurted out.

Ed froze, caught completely off guard. “What?” he asked, shaking his head like he was trying to clear the cobwebs. “What do you mean?”

There was no going back.

Stede took several quivery breaths. When he spoke, his voice wobbled. “I didn’t realize until Saturday that we’d been going on dates. I thought– we were doing normal best friend things.” He was crying again. “And whenev– er we talked about rela– tion– ship stuff,” he sucked in a snotty breath through his nose, “I thought that was just–  something friends did– to help each other– through break-ups. Guy talk or…” he trailed off in quiet gasps, looking anywhere except at Ed. 

“I fucked up so badly,” Stede sniffled and sobbed, “and– and by the time I figured it out– I didn’t know what to do.” He sucked in another deep, unsteady breath. “I was terrified of losing my best friend. No matter what I did, I was going to hurt you. I never want to hurt you,” he said, finally looking at Ed.

Ed was staring down at the table, his face pinched in an unidentifiable expression. He was chewing on the inside of his lip as tears ran down his cheeks, dripping from his chin to splash on the faux wood finish. “So, I guess this is over then,” he said hesitantly, barely above a whisper.

And there it was – the outcome Stede had expected, but hoped wouldn’t happen. Ed was done with him. His chest constricted painfully. So this was what a broken heart felt like. Well, he’d done this to himself; he deserved every agonizing moment. 

Stede took off the ring, laid it on the table, and immediately dissolved into a blubbering mess.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He alternated between apologizing and trying to explain himself as he wept. “I didn’t know. I didn’t understand. I wasn’t– My parents– I didn’t– I couldn’t–” Stede was wracked with sobs, his words becoming increasingly difficult to understand. “I’m– so– sorry, Ed. I didn’t– I didn’t know– it was– love. I– I lo– I love you. I’m– in love– with you. But it’s– too late. You d– you deser– you deserve so m– much b– better. I’d just– ruin y– you– like I r– ru– ruin every– everything else. I– I’m p– I’m p– I’m poison.”

Stede thought he saw Ed look up out of the corner of his eye, but he wasn’t saying anything, and Stede couldn’t bear to look at him. He was certain that whatever he found in Ed’s eyes – anger, betrayal, pain – would shatter him to pieces. So he just kept apologizing through thick sobs and shuddering breaths. “I’m sorry, Ed. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ll go– I’ll stay– somewhere– tonight. I’ll col– I’ll collect my th– things tom– or– row while– you’re at th- the sh– op. You n– you nev– you never have– to– s– see me– me ag– ain.”

Then Stede had nothing left but wordless anguished sobs. He pushed back from the table and stood up, directionless and unsteady, but determined to get out of Ed’s life before he could do any more damage. 

“Where are you going?” It was a panicked whisper.

Stede looked at Ed in confusion. “I thought–”

“Please, don’t leave me again.” Ed’s face was a mask of fear.

Stede shook his head. “I won’t,” he whispered.

Ed looked down again. He took several calming breaths, finally meeting Stede’s eyes again with a determined look. “Did you mean it?”

Stede had said so much in the course of that horrible conversation, half of which he couldn’t remember through the fog of his emotions. 

“I–”

But Ed rushed on. “You love me? You’re in love with me too?” He searched Stede’s face, looking so hopeful with big baby cow eyes.

Oh.

Stede nodded with a watery smile. He’d said it, and he’d meant it.

Ed was on his feet so fast that his chair clattered to the floor behind him. With two steps, he was standing in front of Stede, gently cupping his tear-stained face in soft, warm hands. 

“You love me,” he said again, breaking into a happy little laugh.

Stede inhaled deeply, still teary-eyed. “I love you.” He felt like he could breathe for the first time in… maybe ever.

“I love you too.” Ed was gazing at him reverently. “Can I kiss you now?”

Stede made a face. Ed couldn’t possibly want to put his lips anywhere near Stede’s goopy, tear-stained face.

“I’m all snotty and gross.” 

“I don’t care,” Ed responded affectionately.

“Well, I suppose if you don’t mind.” Stede waited a beat, then whispered, “Yes. Please kiss me now,” the corners of his mouth ticked up in a faint smile.

Ed leaned in, still cradling Stede’s face in his hands, and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. Stede tensed momentarily; his hands fluttered uncertainly in the air before settling on Ed’s forearms. Ed’s lips were soft and his beard was a little bit tickly. It was nice. Really nice, actually. Stede’s eyes slipped closed and he relaxed into it, reciprocating with a delighted hum.

He’d never understood the world’s fascination with kissing. It was entirely lackluster in his experience. But if this was what it was supposed to feel like, well, then he could certainly appreciate what he’d been missing. 

Stede started to follow Ed’s lips with his own as Ed broke the kiss, but he couldn’t go far with his face still in Ed’s hands. His eyelids fluttered open and he smiled in contentment.

“That was–” He sighed happily.

“Yeah?” Ed said as he wiped away Stede’s tears. “Well, I have some good news for you.”

“What’s that?” Stede asked, feeling a bit punch-drunk.

“You can have all the kisses you want. They’re all yours. Forever and ever.“

“Really?” Stede asked softly, feeling pleasantly untethered. “All of them?”

“Every. Single. One.” Ed punctuated each word with a kiss; first to Stede’s forehead, then to the tip of his nose, and finally his mouth.

“Edwar-mfh!” Stede’s giggled protestation was cut off by Ed’s lips on his.

Stede slid his hands to Ed’s shoulders, finally coming to rest on his hips as he continued to pepper Stede’s face with little kisses – his temples, each eyelid, his cheeks, the corners of his mouth, and finally his lips again. 

Except Stede couldn’t stop giggling, and that got Ed giggling. They ended up just laughing against each other’s lips for a minute. Then Ed pulled back just a bit, sliding one arm around Stede’s back, his hand resting on Stede’s shoulder; his other hand was splayed across Stede’s chest, covering his heart. He radiated joy.

“Maybe we can just start over. Reset,” he suggested, cautiously optimistic.

Stede nodded. “I’d like that. I want the chance to woo you properly now that I know what it is I’m feeling.”

“Woo me prop–” Ed chuckled. “You did a pretty fucking great job when you weren’t even trying. I’m kind of terrified – and maybe a little turned on – by the thought of a Stede Bonnet who actually knows what he’s doing.”

“Ed.” Stede blushed. “My Ed.” He took Ed’s hands in his. “I’m going to need you to lower your expectations. Quite a bit. I still have no i–” Stede was cut off mid-sentence by a loud gurgling sound.

“Mate,” Ed looked as surprised as Stede, “was that your stomach?”

Stede’s face flamed even brighter. “Yes?”

A smile crept across Ed’s face, until he was grinning like a fool, shoulders shaking with silent laughter.

“I haven’t eaten since breakfast! I’ve been all tied up in knots!” Stede pouted.

“Aww, babe. You’ve had a hell of a day.” Ed was rubbing circles on the backs of Stede’s hands with his thumbs.

“I think we both have,” Stede said apologetically. “I really am so–”

Ed shushed him. “No more apologies. We’re starting over, right?

“Right.”

Ed smiled softly. “Why don’t I get us some sushi?”

“From the good place?!” Stede asked excitedly at the same time Ed said fondly, “From the good place.”

Stede washed up and changed into lounge pants and one of his favorite t-shirts while Ed ordered their food. When he returned to the living room, Ed was waiting for him on the sofa; he had When Harry Met Sally queued up. Stede snuggled as close to Ed as possible with a happy sigh. He was asleep before the food arrived.

Chapter Text

🎶 … first time, ever I saw your face, I thought the sun rose in your eyes… 🎶

Ed stood at the ship’s railing, gazing at the rippling reflection of the full moon on the inky black water. He smiled as the opening strains of The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face drifted out from the dining room. The dinner cruise had been Stede’s idea. It had come up in conversation one day, and Ed made the mistake of saying he thought they were boring, despite never having actually been on one. Stede had gotten a rather determined look on his face, and Ed knew he had already lost. Not only was he going on a dinner cruise in the (probably very) near future, it would definitely not be dull because nothing he and Stede did together ever was.

Nudged by Roberta Flack’s timeless words, he thought back over the last six months. After the emotional whiplash of that first night – from devastation to heaven in the span of minutes – things had calmed down considerably. Half a year on, both he and Stede still had the occasional trauma response to the events that transpired that night, but the sailing was definitely smoother now. 

He had swung from relieved when Stede finally walked through the door to terrified when he asked if they could talk at the kitchen table. (No. Nonononono. Arguments happen at the kitchen table. Break-ups happen at the kitchen table.) And the more Stede had talked, the tighter the knot in his stomach became. He pinballed between confusion, disbelief, anger, commiseration, and desperation, racking his brain for a solution. There had to be a way to fix it.

But then Stede had dropped a nuclear fucking “just friends” bomb and completely obliterated Ed’s world. He’d been watching Stede twist the ring around his finger with growing dread, but he couldn’t watch anymore. He couldn’t seem to get a deep breath. He couldn’t seem to do anything except stare blankly at the table.  

He knew – he knew – this was it, but he just had to turn the knife a little more, had to open his stupid mouth and ask . In response, Stede had taken the ring off and gently set it on the hardwood. 

Stede was still talking, but Ed’s own thoughts drowned him out. How had he misread their relationship so badly? For so long? How had he managed to fuck up so colossally? How ha– wait. Had Stede just said–? Ed’s head snapped up and he really looked at Stede for the first time since his confession.

He was a mess. He was crying so hard that his words were almost unintelligible. His hair was sticking out in every direction from running his hands through it repeatedly. His face was blotchy and tear-stained and so, so full of despair. And–  he was leaving?!

The next few minutes were a bit of a blur. Ed remembered the gut-churning fear and the soaring elation. He remembered standing in front of Stede, holding his beautiful face, listening to those words spill from those lips. It was poetry, the sweetest song he had ever heard. He definitely remembered kissing Stede. He would remember that for the rest of his life.

The first month after ‘the reset’ was admittedly difficult. Ed was more clingy than usual, easily spooked that Stede would change his mind and leave again. Stede did his best to soothe those fears with whispered reassurances and quiet promises, soft touches, gentle kisses, and warm hugs. 

Stede, unsurprisingly, had been harshly self-critical, wracked with guilt and self-loathing for his cluelessness, for being blind to what was happening, for failing to recognize his feelings for what they were, for hurting Ed with his ignorance and insensitivity. And having still not heeded the lesson about communication, attempted to hide how much he was struggling by focusing on Ed. 

That lasted all of three days. Ed had woken up in the middle of the night to an empty bed. Two panicky minutes later, he found Stede on the balcony, huddled knees-to-chest in a deck chair, staring into the middle distance, looking lost and miserable. At the end of that conversation, he made Stede promise to talk to him no matter what.

There were a few bumps along the way, but Stede kept his promise. He still struggled with guilt and shame, and often broached topics over dinner, so he didn’t have to look at Ed and had something to keep his hands busy. Which was probably (definitely) why Ed almost choked on a piece of garlic bread one night when Stede, staring into his pasta, mentioned that he’d been having some “new and interesting” thoughts and feelings about Ed that he’d definitely never had about anyone before, and kind of thought maybe they should talk about it. And after a long, open, honest conversation, they made the decision to take another step in their relationship.

Which they did. Frequently. With gusto. 

Ed had joked that a romantically aware Stede sounded a little scary, but romantically and sexually aware Stede was a menace, a maniac, a miracle. Ed fell more deeply in love with him every day. 

Ed smiled to himself as the final strains of the song faded. They had worked hard over the last six months to repair their relationship, Stede especially. They’d filled in the cracks and bound the pieces together with love, understanding, and an insane amount of communication. Mending the breaks in themselves and each other through kintsugi until the end result was a relationship that was stronger and finer for all its flaws and imperfections.

A pair of arms slid around his middle, coaxing him back to reality. He smiled as they wrapped around him, pulling him in close, a warm body pressed against his back, and soft lips laid a tender kiss just behind his ear.

“You better be careful,” he rumbled, teasing. “My boyfriend’s around here somewhere, and he’s big and tough and strong.”

A soft, breathy laugh ghosted across the shell of his ear. “I have it on very good authority that your boyfriend is more of a lover than a fighter.”

Ed hummed as he placed his hands over the ones already resting on his stomach and melted against the broad chest at his back. “I can definitely vouch for his skills as a lover.” 

“Edward!” came Stede’s embarrassed squawk. 

He turned around with a wide grin, still encircled in those wonderfully strong arms, coming face to face with a violently blushing Stede, who was fastidiously avoiding eye contact. Ed draped his arms over Stede’s shoulders with a chuckle, clasping his hands loosely behind his neck. 

“You can’t just go around saying things like that in public,” Stede whispered intensely. 

“Why not? It’s true.” He cupped the back of Stede’s head and guided him forward until their foreheads were resting together. “Pretty sure I’m the only one here with the necessary qualifications to make that judgment.” He managed a quick peck on the lips before Stede pulled away to bury his face in Ed’s neck with a giggle.

“You’re terrible,” Stede laughed.

“You love me,” Ed replied fondly.

Stede smiled into Ed’s neck and then pulled back just enough to look at him with so much adoration that Ed’s insides went gooey right then and there. 

“I do love you. More than anything,” Stede said reverently. “Thank you for being so patient with me.”

“You know you don’t have to thank me for that, sunshine.” Ed gently tilted Stede’s chin up. ”I’d wait for you forever. I love you so much.” He leaned in, capturing Stede’s mouth in a sweet, gentle kiss. Stede tightened his arms around Ed’s waist, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss.

They parted slowly, repeatedly dipping back in to steal another peck on the lips, until eventually Stede pulled away with a dreamy little sigh, brushing his nose against Ed’s.

“Ed, darling, can I ask you something?” he asked.

Ed smiled. Whatever Stede wanted, Stede got. “Of course, love. You can ask me anything.” But then he had second thoughts, quickly stepping back, his eyes narrowing with suspicion. “Wait. It’s not about putting a garden on the balcony is it? Because you tried that once already and, while you did make a valiant effort, you ended up losing – badly – to the neighborhood squirrels.”

“No, you silly goose,” Stede laughed, booping Ed’s nose. “I learned my lesson on that one; the squirrel army is invincible. No, dear, this is something else.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box. 

Ed’s breath caught.

Oh. 

“You’re my best friend, my favorite person, my everything. It took me far too long to find you, and even longer to truly see that you are my finest thing. Darling, you’re it for me. I love you so very much,  and I don’t want to wait any longer to start our lives together. Edward, my love, will you marry me?” He opened the box to reveal a simple gold band with a single, red, oval cut, bezel set garnet.

Ed was overwhelmed with emotion, speechless for a moment. 

Stede’s eyes widened in alarm at Ed’s stunned expression. “Oh, fuck,” he breathed. “But, please don’t feel pressured. Take as much time as you need. You can say no. I– I won’t be upset. We can just– pretend this didn’t happen. Or if– if it’s– more that you don’t like the ring – I know I chose it without asking you – um, we can take it back, and you can pick out whatever you want,” he babbled nervously.

“Breathe, love.” Ed said, having recovered from the initial shock. “I was just caught off guard because,” he laughed softly as he reached into his pocket and drew out the very same ring he’d proposed to Stede with six months prior.

Stede gaped at him for a second before breaking into laughter himself. “This could not have been your plan, Ed. I’m the one who came up with this date! You said you think dinner cruises are boring.”

Ed looked at him, totally enamored. “Yeah, well, I was wrong. They’re fun when I’m with you. Everything is more fun with you.” He took a breath. “I’ve been carrying this ring with me since our second first date. You’re it for me too, love.” 

Stede’s eyebrows shot up as his mouth formed a little o of surprise, softening into adoration. “So, is that a yes, then?”

“That is an unequivocal, enthusiastic yes,” Ed said, smiling brightly. “How about you? Ready to do this again?”

“Yes,” Stede replied, his face glowing with joy. “I absolutely am.” 

Ed practically vibrated with happiness as he placed Stede’s ring back on his finger where it belonged. And Stede made a delighted noise when he slipped the gold band onto Ed’s finger and it fit perfectly. He did a little wiggle of satisfaction, pleased that he’d gotten the size right.

Ed wasn’t about to let him act that fucking adorable and get away with it. He tugged Stede toward him. The sudden movement caught Stede off-guard, and he stumbled into Ed, grabbing the lapels of his jacket for balance. 

Ed put his hands on Stede’s hips to help steady him. He may have also taken advantage of his hand placement to pull Stede even closer. Stede just tightened his grip on Ed’s jacket and dragged him in for a passionate kiss, crowding him until he was backed up against the ship’s railing. Ed’s hands lightly caressed Stede’s back as he moved to thread his fingers through that mop of soft, spun gold curls. Stede shivered and made a pleased little noise. The kiss became more heated as he slid his hands underneath Ed’s jacket, gliding over his ribs and around his back until one hand was splayed across the small of Ed’s back, and the other lightly scratched between his shoulder blades, eliciting a soft, contented rumble. 

There was a sharp sound of a flute cutting out mid-note and someone loudly clearing their throat.

Oops.

They broke their kiss and took a single step back from each other, turning to look at the source of the sound.

One of the crew, seemingly the captain by the uniform he was wearing, stood a few meters away at the rail, staring intently at two of them. He was holding a small flute in one hand, and a seagull was perched on his head.

“Can ye’ no have a bit o’ respect?” the crewman said tersely in a thick brogue. “Some of us are tryin’ ta bask in moonglow.”

“Sorry,” Ed said without a hint of remorse, squinting to make out the man’s name tag, “Buttons.” 

“We just got engaged,” Stede added bashfully. “I guess we got a little carried away celebrating.”

The man stared at them for several agonizing seconds, blinking slowly, before he finally nodded once and turned his attention back to his flute, his bird friend, and the moon.

“That was strange, right? We can’t be the first couple to suck face like a couple of teenagers on one of these things,” Ed whispered.

“No, Ed. I’m sure we’re not the first and we certainly won’t be the last couple to ‘suck face’ on a dinner cruise,” Stede whispered back drolly. “These things are meant to be romantic. I’m sure couples get engaged all the time,” he said, still watching the peculiar man. “Maybe he’s just having a bad night.”

“Yeah, I s’pose.” Ed shrugged. “So, should we go ‘celebrate’ somewhere more private?” he asked knowingly. 

Instead of answering his question, Stede looked at Ed with a waggish smile and a glint in his eye. “Darling, do you wanna do something weird?” He turned to gaze at the eccentric crewman once more.

“Babe, you know I’m up for anything, but could you please def…” Ed trailed off as he followed Stede’s line of sight, the pieces slowly slotting into place. “Stede, babe,” he breathed, “are you sure?” 

Stede nodded. “I meant what I said, dearest.”

“Me too.” A smile slowly spread across Ed’s face. “Yeah, alright, let’s do it.”

Stede slipped his hand into Ed’s, intertwining their fingers, and together they approached Buttons.

“Excuse me,” Stede politely tried to get his attention. “Apologies for interrupting your moonbathing, ah, Mr. Buttons, was it? We were, uh, looking for the captain. Are you him?”

The man cocked his head, giving them a discerning once over. “Mebbe, mebbe no. Who’s askin’?” 

“Mate, you know who we are. You scolded us three fucking minutes ago.” Ed looked unimpressed. “You are the ship’s captain, yeah?”

“Aye, laddie,” Buttons responded. “What can Karl and I do for ye?” He gestured toward the bird perched on the rail.

Ed and Stede looked at each other with soft smiles. They turned back to Buttons and asked in unison, “Could you do us a favor?”

The crew was waiting for them when they disembarked a half hour later. 

“Stede Daffodil Bonnet!” Lucius yelled across the parking lot as he held up his phone. “Explain this Instagram post right now! What do you mean you and Ed got married?!”