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EXT. THE DECK OF THE SERPENT MIDDAY
Music begins, Seaside rendezvous by Queen.
Camera fades into a shot of the ocean with a ship centered in the frame. The sun is bright overhead, coating everything in midday sun. The ship is slightly eerie looking, made of extremely dark wood, jagged and splintering with black sails. In immaculate penmanship ‘The Serpent’ is painted along the side. one might get the impression it’s haunted.
VOICE OF GOD: 1717 was recorded as the golden age of piracy. Pirates had taken to the sea like…well, pirates to water.
A second ship creeps into frame, comical in its contrast of the first ship. It nearly sparkles with the sun, with bright wood and pillowy white sails. The viewer gets the impression if they were looking at it in person it would hurt their eyes. It moves swiftly, though there appears to be no breeze.
VOICE OF GOD: There were rumors of a Dread pirate Redbeard for a bit, but he quickly retired upon being told a ‘Redbeard’ had already sailed the seven seas some two hundred years earlier.
VOICE OF GOD: Depending on who you ask, pirates were either loved or feared, two of humanity’s favorite things to be. Some thought piracy was a life of adventure, camaraderie and new beginnings, although this was not the kind that typically survived. Most people however thought pirates were incarnations of the devil. And where there are talks of the devil, there are usually demons lurking about.
Cut to a shot of Crowley taken from directly above him on the ship’s main deck. He appears to be draped over a lounge chair (An anachronism, in typical our flag means death fashion), a ridiculous reflective tanning surface tilted towards his face.
*(Costume note: he is otherwise dressed ridiculously macabre, in full pirate garb. He has an eyepatch along with a tinted monocle, one of those tricorn pirate hats and a shocking amount of layers, frills and frou-frou. He also has a very ugly time period appropriate beard and long hair to match. Think patchy the pirate.)*
VOICE OF GOD: And where there are demons, at least on earth, you’re more than likely to find an angel nearby.
At 1:26, a zesty bell-like sound cuts through the music, ending it. The camera cuts to look at Crowley in profile. Aziraphale has appeared next to him, looking around. We can see what we now know is obviously his ship in the background.
AZIRAPHALE: Crowley? What in the heavens are you doing at sea?
*(Costume note: if you thought Crowley was bad, Aziraphale is worse. He’s wearing pristine, oatmeal-colored coats with tartan trim. He has long socks that tuck into his trousers at the knee and shoes with a little heel and buckle, utterly impractical for a pirate ship. He too has a ridiculous tricorn pirate hat with a golden trim.)*
CROWLEY: (He does not look up, seemingly resting as any typical beachgoer.) Sunbathing angel, you should try it.
AZIRAPHALE: (distressed) Are you telling me you’re the cause of all these– pillagings and plunderings?!
Crowley finally looks up at Aziraphale, surprised.
CROWLEY: No, course not. Typical humans being humans, I’m just here to enjoy the show and take credit where I can. What are you doing out here?”
AZIRAPHALE: I’ve spent the last two years on The Heavens trying to clean up what I thought was your mess.
EXT. PIRATE VESSEL, FLASHBACK
AZIRAPHALE: ARGH! surrender or face my heavenly wrath!! (Camera cuts to an unimpressed looking pirate crew, with looks ranging from annoyed to confused to slightly concerned in a pitying way. Cuts back to Aziraphale, who looks slightly uncomfortable at the thought of actually having to fight.)
END FLASHBACK, IN SCENE
AZIRAPHALE: You mean to say the humans have done this all on their own, no temptation involved?
CROWLEY: (going back to sunbathing) I didn't lift a finger.
AZIRAPHALE: Well. (looking upset) Do you suppose they’ll stop on their own? (Goes to the railing, pulls out a ridiculous little telescope that extends quite far and looks to the horizon.)
CROWLEY: Not likely, piracy’s a pretty big hit. Downstairs loves it and I’m sure upstairs is glad to see all this ocean finally being put to use. (As Crowley speaks, cut to a shot of Aziraphale's telescope. Through the telescope we see two ships appear on the horizon next to each other.) Thousands of years you think humans would be better on the water–
AZIRAPHALE: (cutting him off) Crowley come look at this—there appear to be two pirate vessels on the horizon! Oh, should we go stop their fighting and help them see the error of their ways?
CROWLEY: (standing up and walking to stand beside Aziraphale, looking out at the two ships and grinning.) Aye Aye.
TITLE SEQUENCE
Jaunty shanty-like version of the Good Omens theme plays camera zooms out and away over the water. a whale breaches and on its tail we see Our Flag Means Death written in barnacles. If we were going by the actual Good Omens theme, the music would stop at 0:50.
EXT. THE ‘SHIPS ON THE HORIZON’, MIDDAY
Cut to a shot of the two ships Aziraphale and Crowley had been looking at. They are close enough for the crew members to shout at each other but still fairly far away. We can see one has a crudely painted ‘Queen Anne’s Revenge’ while the other has ‘Captain Edwards and Co. Pickled Fish and Gifts’ painted on in even worse shape. The Queen Anne is grand, everything a pirate ship should be whereas Captain Edwards and Co. is what appears to be a smaller merchant vessel, and fairly run down.
Cut to Captain Edwards and Co. vessel where three crew members look across to the other ship.
ROACH: Come to think of it, did anyone actually see people onboard?
PETE: Well…no. But they sailed up to us and pretty much parallel parked, so there’s at least one person. And besides, it’s hot, and Blackbeard wears full leather. I wouldn’t want to be outside all the time either.
OLUWANDE: I mean me personally, I wouldn’t want to show my face to the people I left on a desert island off the bat.
PETE: How would he know it’s us?
OLUWANDE: Well we’re not exactly subtle. Plus with the new flag it’s kind of obvious.
Cut to the masts where we see a flag of a sad looking skull with a heart next to it.
PETE: Yeah, fair point. Do you think he’s…scared?
OLUWANDE: Could well be.
ROACH: (nonchalant) Or he’s biding his time, figuring out the most gruesome way to attack us so we never see it coming.
Oluwande and Pete turn to look at him. Roach holds up his hands in a shrug.
ROACH: What?
OLUWANDE: That’s a bit much. He’s really not that bad a guy. I think Pete could be right. He was going through a lot, maybe he’s scared to face his own emotions.
Pete and Roach wince.
PETE: Ooh, captain says not facing your emotions isn’t good for your mental health. Do You think he’s okay?
ROACH: He has a crew, maybe they’re talking it through with him.
The pirates look back out to the opposing ship, we are looking at the ship and the back of their heads.
INT. QUEEN ANNE’S REVENGE, MIDDAY
Music begins, Feeling good by Nina Simone.
Cut to the gulley on Queen Anne’s Revenge, which is now much less bright than before, stripped of its colors and playful knick-knacks. The window seems to have been boarded up. Ivan, Fang, Frenchie and Lucius sit around the table. We have a short montage as the music plays, where the camera focuses on each of them in turn. Ivan and Fang seem calm, Lucius looks antsy, and Frenchie looks slightly confused.
*(Costume note: Ivan and Fang are wearing their typical costumes. Lucius looks like he fell out of teen beach movie, as he is wearing a sleeveless leather vest with a striped shirt and his typical red bandanna tied around his neck. He wears capris and little leather chelsea boots. Frenchie now has a black jacket instead of his previous purple, and it has little studded spikes along the shoulders. He still has a solid purple shirt underneath, and leather pants that match the jacket, with more stereotypical piratey boots.)*
As we are looking at the table so all the people sitting at it are in profile, Jim enters, taking up the frame so we just see the back of their head. Cut to a shot of their boots, the camera travels up to show their new vaguely threatening look at 0:44.
*(Costume note: Jim’s costume is very similar to season 1 as well, however this time their hat is black, as is their coat, which is not leather, but still pitch black. Their hair has been cut shorter so it sticks up at odd angles under the hat. They have a white shirt with a leather vest overtop. Unlike last season, all of their knives are completely visible, almost being shown off. They have a shocking amount of knives on them, both visible and hidden.)*
JIM: Alright, I’m guessing everyone can see why I’ve gathered you here?
FRENCHIE: (raising hand) Are we getting pickled fish from the ship we parked next to? Or gifts? It says they have both so whatever tickles your fancy captain.
JIM: Not quite, because that’s not actually a pickled fish or gift vessel. That’s the new revenge.
LUCIUS: Wait are you kidding? Stede’s on that ship? Like with the old crew? They’re all alive?
JIM: (nodding) I saw them all onboard. However, Blackbeard hasn’t, so what are we not going to do?
FANG: Ooh, let him know?
JIM: (snapping and pointing to Fang) Exactly! We all remember what happened last time, and I’m sure certain more talkative (bangs hands on table in front of Lucius, leaning more towards him as they speak) members of our crew remember how much they hate living in the walls eh?
LUCIUS: Yep, my lips, are so sealed. Won’t say a word. But You mean it? Everyone? (he looks incredibly hopeful but also scared as he says this)
JIM: Pete’s there. And so Is Wee John, and everyone else. And you seeing any of them again depends entirely on how well we follow the plan. Understand?
Everyone nods, murmur of agreement.
JIM: Perfect. Now, I need someone to occupy Blackbeard while I go over and talk to the crew. Lucius, Frenchie, you’re with me. Fang, Ivan, can you keep him distracted?
IVAN: We’re on it.
FANG: I’ve got a couple of tricks up my sleeve (Pulls a deck of cards from his sleeve, though it is not smooth at all)
JIM: We need about an hour, just make sure he doesn’t go above deck. I told him we’re anchored a little ways off Nassau.
FANG: Ohh, captain hates Nassau!
JIM: Exactly, because now above deck is the last place he’ll want to be. You two, come on, we’ve got to fix this mess.
The group moves to stand up, the music continues to play as they begin the walk out. They walk towards the camera in an epic, badass montage; Jim twirling a butterfly knife, Lucius straightening his jacket, Frenchie holding tight to the strap of his lute. Ivan and Fang nod at each other and head off down a hallway. Jim leads the two others down the hallway, music gives a final swell as the door opens and light pours in.
INT. CAPTAIN EDWARDS AND CO. PICKLED FISH AND GIFTS, MIDDAY
Begin music, Dream a little dream of me by The Mamas and The Papas .
We cut to a room much smaller than Stede’s old room, but with a familiar flair. it’s much less extravagant, however there are knick-knacks that are much less coherent; Rather than a collection of expensive things, these look more meaningful, think shells, jars, trinkets one could find for cheap on a back alley market stand. Stede is sitting in the middle of this room at a desk, writing.
Cut to behind Stede, we see rather than a lavish diary entry he is charting stars in a very beat up looking book. In the margins, we see a myriad of what looks to be poetry. Camera focuses on them in turn.
“I told the stars about you.”
“I look to the heavens and know you’re seeing it too, and in turn they glow twice as bright”
“If you asked me for a star I’d find a way to fly.”
It’s incredibly cheesy. He’s playing with his hair, smiling softly, and could be humming softly to the music (though he cannot hear it, for the effect.) His pen hovers in the margins as if he’s going to write something else.
Knocking replaces the drum beats at 0:56 ending the song and bringing Stede back to the present. He closes the journal.
*(Costume note: Stede is no longer wearing fancy clothes nor does he do many costume changes. He mostly wears a white tunic with black pants and practical leather boots. He has a short beard coming in and his hair is just a bit longer. Though it is no longer impeccably styled, it still falls in super-model like beach waves.)*
STEDE: Come in! (he hides his journal under a map and stands)
Oluwande, Roach and Pete enter.
OLUWANDE: Hey captain, uh, we were just wondering if we were going to do…anything? We’ve been next to The Revenge all day and they don’t seem hostile. Maybe they’re waiting for us to board.
STEDE: (caught off guard) Uh…Yes! That. You do make a good point, but just…I think we should wait until we at least see them, we don’t want to catch them off guard.
OLUWANDE: Well they did pull up next to us–
ROACH: And that gives them the advantage to attack us!
STEDE: (affronted) no one will be attacking anyone. They came to us, so obviously they approached, and they are saying they will approach, in time. So as captain I say we wait for them to make the first move.
PETE: Are you sure?
STEDE: (sighing, putting his head in his hands) If they’ve not come over by tomorrow, we’ll board them. (All nodding. Pete and Roach leave, but Oluwande stays behind.)
OLUWANDE: I know you and Edward went through a bit of a rough patch but avoiding him’s not gonna make it any better. And Pete and I have people on there too. Maybe coming up next to us was his sort of olive branch.
STEDE; (lifting head from hands) I’m sorry for putting you and Pete through that, I just…I don’t want to do the wrong thing. (he breathes in, looks to Oluwande) One day. I’ll have everything sorted, and we’ll get Jim, Lucius and Frenchie back. I promise you.
Oluwande nods, exits.
Stede puts his head back in his hands and looks out the window. He looks pained, conflicted.
His solemn moment is interrupted by shouting on deck, and Stede looks cautiously towards the door. When he hears more shouting, he rushes forward, pushes it open to reveal a commotion outside.
Camera cuts to a full view of the deck and the chaos happening. Jim, Lucius and Frenchie have just boarded. Several reunions are happening at the same time, we get a small scene of all of them.
Frenchie has been swept off his feet by wee john in a hug.
WEE JOHN: Oh my days, I thought I’d lost you. I never got a chance to tell you– you’re the best roommate I’ve ever had!
FRENCHIE: Aw you’re just saying things! (Finally being put down) I’ve missed you though. Let me tell you, it was no piece of cake on there–
Cut to Lucius and Pete. Pete is holding on tightly to Lucius hugging him, shoulders shaking.
PETE: (Through sobs) I thought…oh my god i thought I’d lost you, I thought I’d never see you again.
LUCIUS: (also crying, he pulls back from the hug and gently holds Pete’s face) I’m right here. I’m here. (he kisses pete, soft and slow and full of love, though it remains unsaid)
Cut to Jim and Oluwande. Oluwande is caught in his tracks staring at them. Jim walks confidently towards him, and kisses him full of passion, and Oluwande reciprocates immediately. When they both pull away, they rest their foreheads against each other, holding each other close.
JIM: (breathless) I never gave you an answer. Yes. Yes I want you to be family. I’ll tear up every ship, every corner of the seas if I lose you again.
Oluwande kisses them again.
OLUWANDE: I love you so fucking much.
Jim kisses him this time.
JIM: I love you too. (they continue to kiss, ‘making up for lost time’ as some would say. Jim breaks out grinning when they pull away, and pulls him into a hug.)
Cut to Stede watching everyone reunite. He is smiling, but his eyes keep flickering to The Revenge. Camera cuts to the revenge to see it is still; there is no motion, and Ed is nowhere in sight.Cut back to Stede as he is caught in a hug by lucius
LUCIUS: (hugging Stede so hard he nearly knocks him down) Oh my god, Stede! I actually missed you!
STEDE: (catching his balance, laughing as he returns the hug) Oh, Lucius. It’s truly good to see you.
They break from the hug as Jim and Oluwande walk up side by side.
JIM: Captain. (they nod to him and Stede smiles as he nods back) Now that the heartwarming reunions are out of the way, we need to talk. We’re here on business.
INT. CAPTAINS QUARTERS ON QUEEN ANNE’S REVENGE, MIDDAY
Cut to Stede's old room, bare of the tchotchkes and bright colors that made it ‘Stede’ and instead feeling like a shell of the place it used to be. We focus on a few once vibrant spots; the bay window, the desk, the book case, all empty. We finally find Ed, curled up on Stede's bed. His normal leather ensemble is in a heap on the ground.
*(Costume note: he is wearing the yellow robe over a plain white shirt and comfy looking brown trousers—think time period appropriate sweat pants. The kohl he once used to make him blackbeard again is gone, and he has a scruffy and quite ordinary beard coming back in. His hair is in a single braid down his back, though it looks quite frizzy, as he put it up so it wouldn’t get horribly tangled and would be out of his face.)*
As we look a little longer, the audience notices Ed is writing in a journal.
Music begins, These days by Nico plays as Ed’s journal entry is revealed in a voiceover.
ED: (VO) I don’t see the point of writing ‘dear journal’ anymore. This journal isn’t dear to me, it feels like where I keep the worst parts of myself.
FLASHBACK
Ed is drinking straight from a bottle, head tipped back against the frame of the bay window as he begins to cry.
END FLASHBACK
ED: (VO) I feel like even behind this monster personality I’ve created there’s always been something about me that drives people away. Stede saw it. Everyone I lost from home. All my old friends; Anne, Mark, hell even Izzy.
FLASHBACK; INT. IZZYS QUARTERS, MORNING.
Jim appears behind Izzy, yanking him up from his desk by the collar of his shirt and hauling him to the deck where he is thrown down at the feet of Ed and the crew.
ED: (Not VO, in scene) We’ve decided we don’t want you here anymore. I don’t want you on this ship Iz. I’m sorry.
IZZY: (snarling) You’re exactly what I’ve always said. I’m fucking leaving. Enjoy your pity party of a life, and I’ll enjoy my life far away from your antics.
Lucius leads Ed away, making a face at Izzy as Jim, Ivan and Fang lead Izzy to the dinghy.
FLASHBACK ENDS
Camera is focused on Ed’s journal, and a tear falls on it. We cut back to Ed to see he has begun to cry.
ED: (VO) I just don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to feel left behind. The crew only barely tolerates me, god knows why. I’m glad Lucius isn’t really dead. He managed to get into the walls and haunt me for a bit, and now he calls us even.
FLASHBACK; INT. AUXILIARY WARDROBE.
Ed is hiding in the corner looking absolutely terrified and hysterical.
LUCIUS: (taunting) Trying to hide again Edward? Well guess fucking what, you don’t get to hide when you kill someome! That was totally unjustified, and I personally cannot wait to spend the rest of my ghostly life making sure you know it! (Shouting now) So no, I will not shut up or go away until I hear a sincere apology!
ED: (gasping, speech is broken up, descends into hiccuping sobs at the end) I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, you didn’t deserve that, I didn’t want- I thought you would swim- I’m sorry! Just kill me! Use your ghostly powers and murder me, I deserve it! Please! Please.
A panel of the wall pops out, and Lucius enters the room. Ed whimpers, trying to make himself smaller; he looks as if he wants the wall to swallow him.
LUCIUS: That’s a start. I don’t forgive you but you’re sorely mistaken if you think I’m killing you. Come on, get up, let's get you cleaned up.
FLASHBACK ENDS
ED: (VO) He’s been surprisingly supportive for someone I attempted to murder. He’s too bloody good for this world.
Ed sighs, starts a new paragraph. Camera is focused on him from the front. He has his journal propped up on his good knee, using it as backing to write.
As he delivers the next voiceover, we watch a MONTAGE of flashback scenes play out, all in stede’s old room
ED: (VO) The anger’s been gone for a while now.
Ed, dressed in his full kraken get-up, sighing, rubbing at his eyes vigorously
ED: (VO) I think I was angrier at myself for letting myself hope,
Ed washes the kohl from his face gently with lavender soap.
ED:(VO) For letting myself fall.
Ed shrugging on the yellow robe, looking in a mirror.
ED: (VO) For letting myself think anything could last forever.
MONTAGE ENDS
Cut back to the present, where Ed is writing and the camera focuses on the space between him and the window, where we see Stede’s cravat draped across his pillow.
ED: (VO) But now I just feel a bit empty, and a bit insane. I sleep late in the mornings so I can see him just a bit longer in my dreams.
MONTAGE
We see Ed tossing and turning in a bed, and the camera flashes to a shot of Stede on a different beach where the light is purple extending a hand towards the camera (Ed’s perspective). Cuts back to Ed sleeping, waking up.
ED: (VO) I watch the horizon waiting for him to show up in some ridiculous ship or tiny rowboat or surfing on a sea turtle to come find me.
Ed is sitting at the bay window, and the shot stays the same of him in profile with the window behind him. He rubs his face, and as his hand moves up the first time, the midday sky flies by to sunset. He moves his hand down, the night passes. Up again, and it’s sunrise, and finally another sunset. MONTAGE ENDS, mirroring the shot with ed in profile, looking out the window before continuing writing.
ED: (VO) I’m just fully delusional, and I’ve accepted it.
MONTAGE of that day at the beach.
ED: (VO) I was delusional to think someone that gentle,
Stede holding him gently after the kiss
ED: (VO) that kind,
Stede’s smile, bright as ever
ED: (VO) who loves with every fiber of their being
The aftermath of the kiss, Stede looking at him as if he sees him. Stede’s smile is so genuine here, soft as ever. It feels true.
ED: (VO) would choose me.
The sunrise, Ed at the docks, a moment we had not previously seen where he looks back. Framed in the way Orpheus would look back for Eurydice, how looking back is the one thing that caused him to lose her.
MONTAGE ENDS abruptly as his eyes meet the camera.
In the present, Ed rubs at his eyes. He is interrupted by knocking.
FANG: (muffled through the door) Hey Edward, Ivan and I wanted to know if you felt like playing cards?
ED: (trying to compose his voice) Uh, not at the current moment, but I might join in a bit yeah?
IVAN: (still through the door, though the camera cut so we are looking at Ivan and fang now, who are looking at each other concerned) Alright captain, we’ll be in the galley, come if you feel up to it. Would you like anything?
ED: (through the door, as we are still looking at Ivan and Fang) No thank you (hiccuping sob, Ivan and Fang both wince in concern) I’m good! (Making voice solid.) I’ll join you in like twenty minutes. Go have fun.
Ivan and Fang walk away from the door, looking back as the crying intensifies.
IVAN: (quietly) Should we wait here?
FANG: (Shaking his head) I don't think he’ll be out anytime soon.
INT, CAPTAIN EDWARDS AND CO. PICKLED FISH AND GIFTS, AFTERNOON
The same office we had seen Stede in earlier. Jim has kicked their feet up on the desk Stede had been writing at, and Stede is currently stood up pacing. Oluwande and Lucius are seated next to each other on the settee. Lucius has his head in his hands, Olu looks exhausted.
STEDE: Oh my god this is so much worse than I thought! I was–I needed to fix things but I didn’t mean I was leaving him in particular! He really thinks that?
LUCIUS: Yeah, you like, really fucked with his abandonment issues. Like this is a category five abandonment.
OLUWANDE: And coming from an outside perspective, you definitely sound like the asshole here. If you needed to leave you should have communicated that. He could have thought you died or something.
LUCIUS: Yeah we did consider that for a while. We scouted pretty much the whole Caribbean to see if anyone had heard about your death.
STEDE: (face falling, turns back to Jim) Oh god…
JIM: We obviously knew you weren’t dead, we just confirmed it when we talked to your ex wife.
STEDE: (Eyes wide, squawking) WHAT?!
JIM: We showed up at her house, Ed was a fucking mess and she explained how you faked it, and that you were looking for your lover. He was…
LUCIUS: Pretty heartbroken.
STEDE: (looking more horrified the more he hears) and at this point she told you it was Ed I was looking for right?
JIM: Yeah, no. Just your lover. She wasn’t too happy about Blackbeards crew showing up, but she felt bad enough to tell us that much.
Stede puts his head in his hands, collapses into a chair.
STEDE: I fucked up.
THE NEXT LINES ARE SAID OVERLAPPING EACH OTHER, CUTTING IN ORDER TO EACH OF THEM AGREEING.
JIM: (Eyes widening) Oh yeah
LUCIUS: (grimacing) Massively
OLUWANDE: (shaking his head) Big time
STEDE: Does he…do you think he’ll even want to see me?
JIM: Hard to tell. He seems to be in a state but Lucius would know more on that front.
LUCIUS: I think…you did a lot of damage whether you meant to or not. There’s no telling how he’ll react, he was heartbroken enough to throw me overboard so who’s to say.
STEDE: (mouth opening and closing like he wants to ask a question) Elaborate on that later, but that was a yes or no question; does he want to see me?
Lucius opens his mouth to speak, but he is cut off by a commotion on the deck. Lucius and Jim assume the worst and rush from the room, Oluwande following hot on their heels. Stede takes a second, bracing himself, and follows suit.
The crew is gathered around Aziraphale, who looks quite frazzled. Roach has his cleaver up in defense, and everyone looks a bit on edge.
EXT. DECK OF CAPTAIN EDWARDS AND CO. PICKLED FISH AND GIFTS, AFTERNOON.
AZIRAPHALE: Oh for heaven’s sake, put the cleaver down! I told you I am not with the Navy!
ROACH: No one who’s not a Navy spy would dress that ridiculously. (He sees Stede and he proceeds to lower his cleaver. He addresses Stede as he speaks now) Can we please take him hostage, pretty please? It’s been so long since I’ve gotten to torture anybody!
AZIRAPHALE: (looking quite upset) I request a parlay! Where is your captain?!
STEDE: (does a little hand raise, acting incredibly aloof and unserious. Just relieved it’s not Ed, and he has time to think.) Speaking! Please feel free to make your case.
AZIRAPHALE: Well, I just came here to try and help you see the error of your ways–I didn’t want any trouble!
WEE JOHN: Oh blast, are you with the church? How’d you find us all the way out here?
STEDE: Wee John, let our guest speak. Carry on Mr…
AZIRAPHALE: Fell.
STEDE: (gasping in excitement) Not by any chance…Mr. A.Z. Fell of A.Z. Fell and Co. Antiquarian and Rare books?
AZIRAPHALE: (flattered and surprised) One and the same!
STEDE: (fangirling) I’m a huge fan! I’ve heard all about your collection, I used to be quite the collector myself and I’ve been meaning to visit as soon as I can! It’s rather hard what with the Navy and all. What brings you out to sea!
AZIRAPHALE: Well I’ve been trying–completely unrelated to the Navy–to help pirates change their lifestyles.
STEDE: (genuinely confused) Well why on earth would you do that?
AZIRAPHALE: (looking fairly distressed now) It’s just so much pillaging and plundering– it’s completely unethical!
STEDE: (offended) How dare you! I assure you this vessel is not a pillager or a plunderer. Pirates can be valid pirates without pillaging and plundering, we exist!
AZIRAPHALE: (surprised, as this was not the answer he had been expecting) Really?
STEDE: Have you perhaps heard of a…gentleman (emphasis on the word gentleman) pirate?
Aziraphale’s eyes widen in recognition.
AZIRAPHALE: You’re Stede Bonnet? Of The Revenge?
STEDE: One of my many names, yes. I’ve been going by Captain Edwards of late, as according to most records, the gentleman pirate is–
AZIRAPHALE: (turning wide eyed to Stede) Dead! (gasps) You faked your death?
STEDE: And judging by that reaction I seem to have done it quite well! Now, Mr. Fell, carry on with your parlay, we got a bit side tracked there.
AZIRAPHALE: Oh yes, well I suppose if no actual piracy is happening–(cut off by Stede)
STEDE: –Typical piracy, not actual. We are actual pirates.
AZIRAPHALE: Ah, my mistake. But if no ‘typical’ piracy is occurring I guess we’re ship shape. (too pleased with his own joke)
STEDE: And seeing as you’re not with the Navy, we won’t have to take you hostage! (Aziraphale’s face flickers to concern) Could I get you anything? Tea, water?
AZIRAPHALE: (Face lands on a smile) Tea would be lovely.
EXT. DECK OF QUEEN ANNE’S REVENGE, AFTERNOON.
Ivan and Fang are playing cards right in the doorway to make sure they can block Ed if he makes to go out.
Cut to a view of both the doorway and the side of the ship, where we can see Crowley struggling to hoist himself over the side. Crowley hoists himself up over the side of the boat. He has one leg over when he catches the attention of the two pirates.
IVAN: Oi! What are you doing?
CROWLEY: (yelling as he continues to struggle) What does it look like I’m doing? Struggling with your ladder! (Grumbling as he tumbles onboard) Fancy ship can’t afford a proper ladder.
FANG: Sorry, it didn’t come with one when we got it. (Ivan elbows him) Uh, who are you?
CROWLEY: Captain Antoni Crowley of The Serpent . And you lot are Queen Anne’s avengers yeah?
FANG: Oh no, we’re Blackbeard’s crew!
CROWLEY: (surprised) Really? Blackbeard? He’s still alive?
IVAN: Of course! He’s history’s greatest pirate, the sea would cry for days if he died!
CROWLEY: Well he hasn’t really been active in months, my bad to assume.
FANG: Well…don’t go spreading this around but he’s on a short break for his mental health.
CROWLEY: That’s fair. I’d assume being the best pirate around really takes it outta you. (Ivan and Fang nod) Can I pay him a visit? I’m an old friend of his, we go way back.
Ivan and Fang look at each other, then lean in to whisper to one another. Crowley has most definitely performed a little demonic miracle to make himself seem unsuspicious. They pull back, nodding to one another before turning their attention back to Crowley.
FANG: You can visit him, but make sure he doesn’t come above deck. If he asks, we're in Nassau.
CROWLEY: (Striding past.) Nassau, got it. Pleasure, lads.
INT, QUEEN ANNE’S REVENGE, CAPTAINS QUARTERS, AFTERNOON
Ed is still curled in a ball, head down. He hears the door open, and someone enter. We don’t see who it is, as the camera is still focused on Ed.
ED: Fang, I’m sorry man I’m just not feeling up for cards right now. Can you please leave me alone for a bit?
CROWLEY: Well that’s one way to treat your guests. Hello to you too.
Ed’s head snaps up at the new voice. The camera cuts to Crowley, sitting on the desk, feet swinging as he leans back on his palms.
ED: (Startled, trying to sound tough) Who the bloody fuck are you?
CROWLEY: Take a guess.
ED: Red…beard?
CROWLEY: See I thought so, but there was already a bloke going by that couple years back. Old Barbarossa. Felt unoriginal to pick it up. Antoni Crowley, Captain of The Serpent.
Ed does not respond.
CROWLEY: And you’re blackbeard! Oh, fancy me meeting blackbeard, dread pirate of the seven seas. I’m quite the fan.
ED: Look man, I’m flattered but now’s not really a good time.
CROWLEY: I noticed.
ED: Yeah I’m sure you did, now would you kindly fuck off?
CROWLEY: No I don’t think so. Your crew tells me you’ve not been feeling too well.
ED: (grumbling) Are you a fuckin doctor or something?
CROWLEY: Of sorts. Now tell me, what’s been troubling you? (Crowley gets out a notepad and pulls the feather from his hat, dipping it in an inkwell Ed is fairly certain hadn’t been there before.)
INT. CAPTAINS QUARTERS OF CAPTAIN EDWARDS AND CO. PICKLED FISH AND CO, LATER AFTERNOON.
Aziraphale is perched on the settee, looking around in slight awe as he usually is in human living spaces; he loves how humans make homes wherever they can. Stede strides in, mug in hand.
STEDE: There you are! Chamomile with three spoons of honey.
AZIRAPHALE: Oh thank you. It’s been so hard without the delights of fine dining on the sea.
STEDE: Ah, agreed. Food’s the only thing I truly miss from land. But still, we manage. Necessary sacrifice and all that
AZIRAPHALE: You know, I’ve heard many a tale about the gentleman pirate, and I must say I was quite a fan. But I’d like to better understand, what made you give it all up?
STEDE: The first time or the second time? (Aziraphale shrugs, and motions for Stede to continue his story.) Well, the sea just called to me. The lifestyle of adventure, open waters, never being tied down, having people you can count on by your side. I knew it was the only way I'd be truly happy. And then I found out that wasn’t true. Of course I love the sea, I love this life, I loved being the gentleman pirate, but I gave it up the second time because I found the person who makes me truly happy. I think as long as I’m with him I could be alright anywhere.
AZIRAPHALE: (tenderly, holding a hand to his heart) Why, that’s beautiful. I can feel the love just pouring off you. Tell me more about your beau.
STEDE: That’s the tricky bit. We were set to go off together, but I…couldn’t make it. And I messed up terribly by doing so; from what I've heard I broke his heart. And I regret it every day. I want to explain myself, tell him what happened, but I’m scared he won’t want to see me, which he’d be very justified to do. I just need him to know I love him.
AZIRAPHALE: Where is he now?
STEDE: (laughing/groaning as he puts his head in his hands; it seems so ridiculously simple when he says it.) Funny thing about that, he’s actually on the ship across from us. Our old crew just came over to let us know he’s…not having the best time, so we’re trying to figure out whether I should go talk to him,
With impeccable timing, Crowley enters, holding his notepad. Looks between the two of them.
CROWLEY: Of course you found the bloody gentleman pirate. (Crowley smiles briefly in Stede’s direction) Crowley, charmed. Aziraphale can I speak to you in private?
The two exit the room, Crowley shuts the door and they converse in the narrow hallway, shot in profile.
CROWLEY: You won’t believe this, but The Blackbeard is on that ship, and he’s having a right messy breakup with the gentleman pirate. His crew said he’s been moping for ages.
AZIRAPHALE: Yes, Stede’s quite upset too, he truly does want to make up with him. A love like theirs, is strong, but Stede’s afraid Ed wouldn’t want to see him.
CROWLEY: I just talked to him for the better part of the hour and I can confirm he does. I didn’t feel any anger, just an overwhelming loneliness, self loathing, the works. (Shudders)
AZIRAPHALE: (looking at Crowley with a realization) So are you saying we have to get them back together?
CROWLEY: Right on. If we do this, I can say I got history’s greatest pirate back on his feet.
AZIRAPHALE: And I can say I stopped him because he’s coupling up with a—well (finger quotes) ‘atypical’ pirate. And of course helping true love, always scores points upstairs.
CROWLEY: Let’s get on it then, no time to waste
INT. GULLEY, CAPTAIN EDWARDS AND CO. PICKLED FISH AND GIFTS, LATE AFTERNOON.
JIM: As the Navy man explained–
AZIRAPHALE: I prefer seaman–
CROWLEY: (wincing) No you don’t.
JIM: We need to get these idiots back together.
STEDE: Now Jim that’s not nice-
JIM: I wasn’t finished. (Stede holds up his hands in defeat) Obviously both are too stupid to make the first move. Blackbeard’s super upset, so it’s best we don’t all barge in there, only those of us with extensive combat training–
STEDE: (raising hand) Jim, if I could? (They roll their eyes and nod) I don’t think it’s necessary for everyone to go and be ready to fight, or go, even. I think…I just need to go talk to him. Alone. And Mr. Fell, Mr, Crowley, thank you for your help, you’ve been very informative and supportive.
Stede continues talking in the background, something along the lines of explaining to the crew it’s valid if they would like us to drop them off at the next port.
AZIRAPHALE: (leaning in to whisper) it can’t be this easy.
CROWLEY: (whispering back) Definitely not, let’s stick around.
STEDE: (continuing) …that the crew of The Revenge is back!
Everyone erupts into cheers, jostling shoulders. clapping, kissing. We freeze on Stede, smiling widely, but still looking distant.
FRENCHIE: Go get your man Stede!
Chorus of agreement and cheers.
EXT. THE DECK OF QUEEN ANNE’S REVENGE, SUNSET.
Shot of Stede in profile, wind in his hair. In the golden light we almost get a parallel of when he first set off. The shot cuts to show Stede’s vessel, and we see the crew watching from the deck, all silent giving thumbs up and mouthing words of affirmation.
Ivan and Fang emerge from the door, nodding, and Stede walks through.
Stede walks through the halls slowly as he goes, looking at the barren space as though it is all new to him. He never looks upset, only worried, biting at his lip, brows furrowed. He could care less about his ship, much less any material objects.
He arrives right outside his own door, right where there used to be the tiny model of The Revenge. It is empty.
He raises his hand to knock, but ultimately decides against it. He pushes open the door.
He takes in the space; his face falls and the camera turns to see he has zeroed in on Ed, who is curled up in Stede’s old bed, wrapped in the yellow robe, back to the door.
ED: Lucius?
Stede hesitates just long enough for Ed to turn over. When he catches sight of Stede, he freezes and sits up. There is a heavy silence for a moment, before Stede smiles awkwardly and speaks.
STEDE: Sorry to disappoint.
The silence continues. We are looking at them in profile. Zoom in on Ed, whose face is crumpling.
ED: Is this a dream?
STEDE: I’m afraid not. Pretty awake last I checked. Sorry.
Ed stands slowly, face still pained and walks up to Stede. He walks slowly, carefully, like one step and he’ll fall through the floor, or if he looks too hard he might disappear. He stops. looks at stede hard for a minute, brows furrowed. He reaches up to brush his fingers along Stede’s cheek. Stede is still smiling sadly. Ed drops his hand.
ED: (whispering) You left.
STEDE: I did
ED: (voice cracking) and you’re here. Now.
STEDE: I am. And I have a lot of explaining to do. (laughs awkwardly, trying to break the tension)
Ed is silent; he’s not exactly sure how to process any of this. He’s feeling so many different things it’s overwhelming.
STEDE: Should I… sit, or we could just stand here…not in a sarcastic way, I just-I could just (sits down on floor right where he is.)
A smile flickers on his lips like a shooting star, tension leaving him for a second, before the pained expression returns.
ED: No you can…come sit. (gesturing back to the bed) Your room anyways.
Stede scrambles up from the floor, and they both sit on the bed, fairly far apart. Ed still does not speak; he doesn’t know where to start; it’s been so long and he still has no idea where to start. He considers getting his journal. Stede looks to him a few times before taking a deep breath.
STEDE: Can I just…get it all out?
ED: (bracing himself) Yeah. Everything. Go ahead.
STEDE: Edward…I’m so terribly sorry. I don’t think sorry can even do anything in a situation like this. But I truly mean it when I say it. ( pause ) That night, when I was supposed to meet you, Chauncy showed up, held me at gunpoint and killed himself trying to kill me and…he said some things that made me feel like I couldn’t return to you. I ruined your life, and I just– I didn’t want to do that to you. I thought you’d be better off. So I went home. And Mary tried to kill me–completely justifiably at that– and then she talked some sense into me. She told me that…(pause, Stede looks at Ed) if you…love someone, it’s worth giving things a chance. So I faked my death, stole a dinghy and found the crew. We ended up playing a lifeboat fuckery on a merchant vessel to get a ship, and I’ve been trying to find you ever since. Not a moment went by where I wasn’t thinking of you. And I was afraid of so many different things, and I’m terrified right now. But I want you to know, I would be fine if you threw me overboard and had me swim back to my own ship, so long as you know that me not showing up to the docks was not your fault. I was afraid, but never of you, or the thought of loving you, or being with you. I was afraid that I was going to be the cause of your pain, that you were choosing a life you didn’t want. ( pause ). If I could go back in time I would never have left your side, I would have gone with you to China and wherever you wanted to go. But I can’t change the past, I can only tell you that I love you Edward, and that love is yours if you choose to accept it. (pauses again, deep breath) I love you.
There is a long pause. Stede is not holding his breath; he just lets that sit in the air. He is ready to accept whatever Ed tells him.
ED: (crying now, turns to Stede) I’ve been with people but it’s…I’ve never been…
He takes a deep breath, steeles himself against himself; he can be vulnerable. It’s only Stede.
Ed: (he reaches for Stede’s hand and threads their fingers together. He scoots closer to rest his head on Stede’s shoulder.) in love. And then you came along and saw right through me. Called me Ed–no one does that, it’s like I’d known you for years first day we met. Dressed me up in your clothes, told me I was good and beautiful and–you were the kindest, gentlest person. I couldn’t believe it. Here I was in the middle of some epic love story with a man beyond my wildest dreams. When I said you made me happy, I meant that. I would have been happy if we served all ten years at that fuckin school if it meant I could be near you every day. I meant that I love you. And then you left and I felt like I’d been torn in two. I could have talked to you. I could have been there, but you left me. And you went through a lot, but you put me through my biggest fear. And it hurt. So much. I felt fucking crazy every day for months, I turned into the worst version of myself. And through it all the one person who could have helped me through it was the one who caused it. I couldn’t even talk to you about it.
They are both crying now. Stede places his other hand atop Ed’s own. There is silence. Ed continues.
ED: It’s going to be a long time before I can believe that you’re really here . And I don’t forgive you. But I love you, and the weight of that terrifies me, but I didn’t love you on accident. I knew from the moment I met you, if I stuck around I’d be gone and I chose very intentionally to let myself fall in love. I still trust you, after everything.
STEDE: I am going to be here for however long you’ll have me. I’m not going anywhere. And I could make you promises about it but I won’t. Words can only do so much. I’m just going to show up every morning with your tea, and every night I’ll prop your knee up with pillows, and I’ll get you lavender soap and orange marmalade and flowers every time we port. I’ll go wherever you want to go. I’m here Edward. I’m yours.
Music begins , Futile Devices (doveman remix) by Sufjan Stevens instrumental.
There are no words for the tenderness of the moment, music should play through, bringing us to the next scene.
Ed looks down at their hands and back up at Stede. He leans in to rest his forehead against Stedes, and they both rest there for a moment. Ed reaches up to hold Stedes face, and Stede reciprocates the motion. Their eyes are closed, they are simply near each other. Stede opens his eyes, runs his thumb along Ed’s cheek, and Ed opens his eyes as well. They lean slightly away, just to look at each other. Eyes flutter shut, and they both lean in for a kiss. It’s gentle, it’s loving, it’s the waves finding the shore, the moon’s pull of the tides. It's slow and there are tears and snot on both of their faces but it feels like everything’s going to be okay.
The camera zooms out, and through the window, the camera goes all the way out until it goes back into a circular frame.
EXT. DECK OF THE HEAVENS JUST AFTER SUNSET
Aziraphale is standing at the railing of his ship looking through the ridiculous spyglass from earlier. Crowley is standing next to him, leaning against the railing next to him.
AZIRAPHALE: Aw, Crowley look! They’ve made up! Oh I can feel the love from here from both of them (basking in the love, turning to Crowley) they truly are perfect for each other. It’s not often to see a love this strong.
CROWLEY: All this sea, all those mistakes, all that time. It’s a miracle they found each other.
AZIRAPHALE: It wasn’t a miracle at all. All on their own. (starstruck) humans do so much for love.
CROWLEY: Would you ever do it?
AZIRAPHALE: What, sail the seas looking for love?
CROWLEY: No just…choose someone–a partner like that?
AZIRAPHALE: Well…our sort don’t really do partnerships. I mean of course they do but…It’d be impractical. Me being on earth and all.
CROWLEY: Someone on earth then?
AZIRAPHALE: A human?
CROWLEY: No, course not, one of our lot.
AZIRAPHALE: Well that’s unlikely, only you down here. (Chuckling awkwardly. It is almost painful to watch)
CROWLEY: Yes, well aware, but it’s only hypothetical, angel.
There is a tense pause. They don’t look at each other–the air is holding its breath.
AZIRAPHALE: I…don’t suppose I would. It feels selfish, asking someone something so permanent.
CROWLEY: Well what if someone asked you? Hypothetically? Took you to a grand dinner and bought you a big bunch of flowers, popped out a rocky human ring and got on a knee?
AZIRAPHALE: If it were someone I truly loved, in a heartbeat.
They look at each other for a heartbeat. Crowley looks back out to the sea.
CROWLEY: True love yeah? What do you reckon it feels like?
AZIRAPHALE: Well…like…you feel happier when you’re around them. You choose each other over and over again, even if you’re separated. You have someone you can rely on, and someone who you see the good in, who sees the good in you. You just keep coming back to each other.
He looks to Crowley, who is looking at him now
CROWLEY: It sounds quite simple when you put it like that.
AZIRAPHALE: Love is the simplest thing one can do dear. (a pause, that same tension.) Now come on, I believe the crew’s celebrating
CROWLEY: What, the pirate crew? Thought you wanted nothing to do with them
AZIRAPHALE: Well, they’re actually quite the fun bunch! They’re good people, deep down. And I heard there would be alcohol and cake. (Raising his eyebrows. The tension is gone now, and things continue on as they were. Crowley is ready to follow him.)
CROWLEY: Well, I’ll get the gangplank. To the revenge!
AZIRAPHALE: (excited) To the revenge!
END