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Missy

Summary:

Jake needs a dogsitter. This becomes everyone else's problem.

Notes:

This is stupid.

Chapter 1

Notes:

I read this essay on why Dirk is canonically a furry and I think it genuinely changed by brain chemistry.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 19:43 --

TT: Here’s my daily check-in.
TT: Good news. The sick puppy is feeling better. I know this because she went from sleeping and looking sad to jumping around annihilating everything in sight.
EB: great, i’ll tell jake then.
EB: i still think it’s incredibly stupid that i have to be your relay point since jake refuses to unblock you. just because my planet emphasized the importance of a working postal service doesn’t mean i’m automatically everyone’s messenger boy.
TT: Dude, that makes two of us. He would have asked Jade but she gets annoyed when the fact that Jake got a dog gets brought up in conversation.
TT: There is a silver lining to this. Learning how to manage a real puppy has infinite applications for petplay.
TT: Damn. Her name should have been Missy.
EB: who?
TT: The dog. Short for Seek and Destroy Missile.
EB: ugh. i guess it’s nice that you won’t have a rasping pup on your hands for much longer. now it’s just a hyperactive one.
TT: She’s a puppy; that’s just how they are. In between trying to tear a towel to shreds, she is attempting to bark but the only noise that comes out is hard exhaling and grunts. It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad.
EB: what does she have again?
TT: A kennel cough, because Jake obviously pawned her off to the kennel first rather than work up the courage to ask any of us to dogsit. It’s equivalent to the dog cold.
TT: She’s very mouthy, and I don’t mean that in the vocal sense. My toes haven’t gotten this thorough a tongue bath since my relationship status was “on again.”
EB: i hate this conversation.
EB: that’s disgusting. i bet it’s contagious to humans.
TT: Do you think Jake would’ve made me dogsit his dog while he’s off to fucking Narnia if it was transmissible?
EB: yes.
EB: i wonder if jade could get infected since she's half dog and all.
TT: I wish the puppy had stayed tired for about another 18 hours.
EB: at least you got a break for the past day.
TT: She is eating the paper that she shredded and I’m just letting her do it. It's not worth trying to yank the little pieces out of her mouth.
TT: It was her vet bill so its canine destructive is strangely appropriate. It was over $700.
EB: expensive!
TT: Life is expensive, babygirl.
EB: AM I THE BABY GIRL?!
TT: I’m sorry that I called you babygirl. I’m typing while looking at the dog.
EB: …
TT: My wires got crossed. I am by no means a dog person but there is something charming in watching a six month old puppy do its best to tear and consume everything in the household to pieces.
EB: got it.
EB: although i’m definitely not meant to be anyone’s “baby girl”!
TT: Is that so?
TT: I’ll randomly say it again for maximum emotional trauma. Dave always says you could benefit from some good old-fashioned character growth.
EB: NO WAY!

ectoBiologist [EB] blocked timaeusTestified [TT]

TT: Way.
TT: Dude.

ectoBiologist [EB] unblocked timaeusTestified [TT]

EB: you are really easy to block!
TT: I saw Goody Egbert at the prude circle.
EB: dude.

Notes:

A very tentative thank you to mineralteacup on tumblr for indulging my delusions.