Work Text:
I
A pale golden bird stood on Kaveh’s desk, with the yellow fur blending into white near the wings. Two enamel-red plumes sprouted from the back of its head, drooping like ridiculous long eyebrows.
Alhaitham stood in the doorway, a frown etched into his face like stone.
“What.”
The bird chirped a piercing tone once, twice, before plunging into a bowl of nuts set on the desk, ignoring Alhaitham standing silently in the doorway. Since when did Kaveh get a bird? He’s only been here for a month. How did I not notice it before?
Alhaitham rolled his eyes. Knowing Kaveh, he probably rescued this poor bird off the streets and nursed it back to health. Peering into the room, Alhaitham searched for Kaveh. He knew back from their Akademiya days that Kaveh could become so consumed in his work that he lost the passage of time.
Alhaitham sighed internally at the thought of him. It seemed Kaveh hadn’t changed one bit from when he knew him, even after he was driven to bankruptcy following his ideals. Like a particularly stubborn cat, always jumping on counters they can’t get down from.
But there was no sign of the man in his room. Well, Alhaitham couldn’t stop Kaveh if he wanted to go out at such a bizarre time—he is a free man. Eyeing the bird in the corner of his eye in disinterest, Alhaitham peered out of Kaveh’s open window.
The moon hung high in the sky, casting its pale light onto the street below. Sumeru City murmured like it always did at night, an aura of peace settling over its leaf-green rooftops.
Closing the window, Alhaitham breezed out of Kaveh’s room. The yellow bird stomped all over Kaveh’s blueprints, messing up the intricate ink lines and letters carefully written by him. Alhaitham huffed, that bird was Kaveh’s problem.
Closing the door, Alhaitham felt the bird peering at him before he left.
—
Kaveh stumbled out of his room somewhere in the afternoon, dark spots hanging over his eyes like shadows.
“I take it you slept well?” Alhaitham poured himself a cup of tea, sipping softly at the hot liquid.
Kaveh grunted before he did a vague approximation of sitting down on a chair, burying his face in the crook of his elbow. “Very funny.”
Alhaitham pushed Kaveh’s portion of his gone-cold breakfast towards him, “It's gone cold. Heat it yourself if you want.”
Kaveh frowned, stammering out words while he tried to push his plate back, “I… I can’t, uh, sorry Alhaitham. You’re helping me, and I—” Kaveh’s stomach growled, and looked away embarrassed.
Alhaitham didn’t emote on the outside, but he allowed himself a heavy sigh. This was another one of his roommate’s quirks, refusing goodwill even if it was offered on a silver platter. Tactfully, Alhaitham dropped the topic.
He had other ways of getting Kaveh to accept it.
Rolling his eyes theatrically, Alhaitham took the plate from Kaveh’s hands.
“Fine,” grunted Alhaitham, “Go hungry for all I care. After all the trouble I went through saving this delicious platter for you…”
Alhaitham let himself smirk a tiny bit when Kaveh’s eyes suddenly widened. Taking the plate from Alhaitham’s hands, Kaveh gobbled down the food. Alhaitham wondered if he could even taste what he was eating, going so fast.
It’s regrettable that Alhaitham has to essentially guilt-trip Kaveh into eating. It was definitely not helping his… issues, but knowing Kaveh, he would starve before asking any of his friends for money—after spending all of it buying useless keychains.
Damnit, Kaveh.
After reminding Kaveh of a meeting he had to attend ( ”Oh, right! ), Alhaitham watched Kaveh struggle with his shoes before running down the street, white suitcase trailing by his side.
He didn’t ask about the bird.
II
It’s been a month since Alhaitham saw the bird again.
Normally, Kaveh working late in the night involved less noise.
After hearing loud thumps from upstairs, Alhaitham worried that Kaveh was having a seizure on the floor. Hurrying up the stairs irritatedly, Alhaitham firmly knocked on the door before coming in a few seconds later anyways, not waiting for a response.
Opening the door, he found the bird sprawled across the ground with torn-out pages drifting everywhere in the room.
“Hey, yellow bird,” said Alhaitham.
Chirp, the bird replied, curling up in its destruction.
Walking in the room, Alhaitham quickly closed the window to prevent the pages the bird ripped apart from being blown out. The light of the moon still cast itself in the room, however faintly, covering the pages in a silver sheen.
Lighting the candle on Kaveh’s desk for better light, Alhaitham sat on the door across from the yellow bird. It chirped again, before hopping in and out the tornado of pages swirling down. Grabbing a slip of paper out of the air out of curiosity, Alhaitham skimmed quickly.
Is this… rent records?
"I mean, I wouldn't call this a bad thing... But how did things turn out like this? That guy definitely wouldn't take me in for no reason and without expecting anything... But what could I possibly do for him?"
So is this what Kaveh thought of him? Alhaitham swallowed thickly, feeling a slight prickle of hurt at how his friend (Were they friends again? Alhaitham didn’t…) viewed him. Alhaitham knows he isn’t exactly the best person to talk to, but…
It was hard. Sometimes, Alhaitham caught himself feeling envious of how easy talking came to Kaveh.
Looking around, similar pages covered the floor. Before Alhaitham could think too deeply about it, he picked another page off the floor. Two pieces of paper slid to the floor when he did, as if they were stuck to glue before.
It was a drawing of a person falling into quicksand. Raising his eyebrows, Alhaitham read the text underneath the drawing.
“Father… Forgive me. I don’t know what—”
Alhaitham slammed the page on the ground, obscuring it from view. What… were these pages all from the same book? While numerous books littered the floor, it seemed the pages that were ripped all looked like they came from the same place.
Alhaitham turned to look at the bird, and then at what it was standing on.
It was a mangled sketchbook, lying pathetically under the yellow bird. Trying to slide the sketchbook from underneath the bird, Alhaitham quickly snapped his hand back when the bird tried to peck at him.
“Seriously?”
Chirp! The bird definitely sounded angry now. Noticing the same bowl of nuts on the desk, Alhaitham snatched them from the desk before sitting down again. Placing down a nut gently on the floor, Alhaitham waited.
“Come on,” whispered Alhaitham, “you want the nut.”
The bird looked at the singular nut on the ground, then at the bowl of nuts in Alhaitham’s hand. Before he could move, the bird jumped on the rim of the bowl. It gave Alhaitham a hard stare, as if challenging him to just try and come close to the horde of nuts it now controlled.
Carefully unwrapping himself from the bird and the bowl, Alhaitham grabbed the pieces of loose paper on the floor, neatly arranging them in a pile. Grabbing the sketchbook, Alhaitham realized that the pages torn out weren’t from any old sketchbook.
It was all from that sketchbook Kaveh always scribbled in. The main one. Well, Kaveh’s going to be upset when he finds this.
Sheathing the loose paper back into the old sketchbook, Alhaitham opened a desk drawer and gently put the sketchbook in. Feeling guilty, Alhaitham sat down on the floor again, watching the yellow bird pecking the leftover crumbs in the bowl.
Leaning over the bird, Alhaitham unconsciously scritched the bird’s head. Snapping its attention to Alhaitham, it tilted its head at him— like it was actually noticing me for the first time— before snapping it back in place.
Maintaining a quiet dignity when being pet by Alhaitham, the bird waved its head plumes before flapping to the desk and chirping.
Yawning, Alhaitham eventually retreated and left Kaveh’s bird alone; but not before blowing out the candle. He didn’t want a house fire to start because of that bird.
—
“Hey, Kaveh, your bird showed up again.”
Kaveh almost spit out his drink, “What— Oh. Yeah, uh. The bird.”
Alhaitham slowly sipped his coffee, wondering if Kaveh stole the bird from somewhere. Nobody flinches when somebody mentions their pet. But who could know with Kaveh? He was sensitive over the most ridiculous things.
“What’s the bird’s name?”
“It’s uh,” Kaveh glanced around the kitchen, “Pepper.”
“Pepper.”
“Yeah.”
“You named it just now, didn’t you,” Alhaitham didn’t even bother adding a questioning lilt at the end of his sentence. He knew.
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No! Pepper’s a good name and— wait, why did you ask me about that?” And just like that, Kaveh’s outrage vanished, replaced with concern, “Is there something wrong with the bird?”
“Nothing’s wrong with the bird, as long as you keep it in your room. It’s just that…” Alhaitham put down his book and cleared his throat, which immediately brought down Kaveh’s full attention, “Well… have you seen your sketchbook yet?”
Kaveh gulped, “Why do I need to see my sketchbook?”
“Well, it’s your bird. It tore it up when you were gone.”
“It… what.” Kaveh’s hand shook when he tore out of his chair to his room.
Alhaitham shook his head. Snapping his book shut and following close behind, he heard the frantic bangs of drawers being opened and closed. When he reached Kaveh’s room, pages of his sketchbook were spilt out on the floor.
Kaveh’s entire being shook when shuffling the torn pages on the floor, “I-it’s… it’s not that bad.”
Alhaitham wore a grim face. It kind of was.
Stepping gently by the mess of pages on the ground, he knelt next to Kaveh. Alhaitham’s face tightened, as if he expected Alhaitham to somehow berate him.
Alhaitham remembered what Kaveh wrote. Gods…
Working up his courage, Alhaitham slowly put his hand on Kaveh’s shaking shoulder and confirmed, “It’s not that bad.”
That statement would ring false on any other day, but Kaveh needed someone to support him right now. Alhaitham decided he would believe in it for Kaveh.
(And though he didn’t admit it, a part of him believed in it because of Kaveh, too.)
Kaveh didn’t reply, too stuck on the scene in front of him to reply to what Alhaitham said.
Alhaitham continued, “Maybe we can fix it together.”
“You don’t have to—” protested Kaveh weakly, springing back to life.
“No,” said Alhaitham, “I want to. This was important to you.”
Kaveh’s head slumped and his body was tense from trying to hold back tears.
Alhaitham could only pat Kaveh’s shoulder awkwardly. What do you even do in this situation? Clearing his throat, Alhaitham said, “It’s not your fault, Kaveh.”
Kaveh laughed at that bitterly. Wrongly. Alhaitham swallowed down bile, ready to apologize. Did I say something wrong?
“I—”, Alhaitham started to say, before clicking his mouth shut when Kaveh spoke again.
“Okay,” said Kaveh, wiping away a few beads of tears with his white sleeves. It left a few dark trails where the fabric touched tears, “Thank you, Alhaitham.” Kaveh suddenly looked away from Alhaitham, slightly blushing, “W-well, let’s get started.”
Alhaitham watched, transfixed. He doesn’t look away, because why should he?
“Let’s,” said Alhaitham simply.
Making no comment on what he was fixing, the both of them worked in silence.
Alhaitham didn’t know which kind of silence.
III
It’s been two months since Alhaitham saw the bird, and it was flapping around outside his window.
“What do you want? Aren’t you Kaveh’s bird? Shouldn’t you go out and find wherever he is right now?” The bird didn’t respond, landing and staring at Alhaitham patiently on the windowsill, “You made my roommate miserable for days when you tore out that sketchbook, is that any way to treat your owner?”
Chirp. The bird flicked their red plumes forward.
“If you tear my books apart, I will roast you over an open fire.”
Chirp.
Sighing, Alhaitham pushed open the window and let him in. Immediately flying to Alhaitham’s desk, he was glad he put away what he was working on before letting the bird in. Flapping their wings and stomping, Alhaitham fingered his collection of books before pulling out one particular volume.
The Encyclopedia of Birds, 4th Edition.
Well, might as well try and get to know it. Watching as the pale bird chirped while exploring his room, Alhaitham quickly flipped through pages and pages, with long paragraphs extensively talking about birds. When did I even get this book?
Right, he was walking back home one day and decided to pick it up to try and deduce what species Kaveh’s bird was. They were an annoying little thing, bumbling into my life like a piece of paper drifting in the wind. Alhaitham snorted, reminded of someone. Looking at the bird, he found it was flying around in circles near his ceiling. At least you’re cute.
In the middle of reading, Alhaitham felt a pressure on his shoulder. Twisting his neck to see what it was, he found the bird (Alhaitham wasn’t going to call it Pepper. It was a stupid name) standing on his shoulder.
“...Okay. Do you want to help me find you in this book?”
Chirp. The bird got a better hold. Lifting a finger to scratch underneath the bird’s beak, Alhaitham continued to search.
Eventually, Alhaitham’s search led him near the end of the book. “ Birds in the Paradisaeidae Family”. Skimming through various pictures of colorful birds, Alhaitham suddenly stopped when the bird on his shoulder chirped.
“What, is this you?” Looking down, Alhaitham read the blurb. “King of Sumeru bird-of-paradise. A bird in the bird-of-paradise family, and the only member of the genus Pteridophora.” The picture struck an uncanny resemblance towards the bird on his shoulder.
“Bird of Paradise, hm?” said Alhaitham to no one in particular, “Now, how about a new name? A bird-of-paradise…” Alhaitham searched his memory, flipping quickly through the languages he knew to find a suitable word.
“Paradisaea. You like that name?”
The bird only chirped, and Alhaitham let out a soft laugh as Paradisaea walked down the length of his arm, “Paradisaea,” said Alhaitham, trying out the name on his tongue, “King of Sumeru. Nice to meet you.”
Going to the window, Alhaitham peered out with his arm curled in. Paradisaea sat on his arm, slightly under his chin, “The view’s good, isn’t it?”
Alhaitham sighed. I wish Kaveh was here. Jolting at the thought and disturbing Paradisaea in the process, Alhaitham turned away as Paradisaea flapped their wings and landed on the windowsill.
Why is being alive so embarrassing sometimes? Alhaitham shook his head, trying to clear away any errant thoughts. While Alhaitham sometimes scoffed at Kaveh’s idealism. Always acting before thinking, always trying to help and refusing help in turn.
Always trying.
It was admirable, but also profoundly stupid. Alhaitham supposed they balanced each other out. Watching as Paradisaea gave Alhaitham one last look before flying out the window, Alhaitham set out a bowl of nuts before going to sleep.
If only words were easier to say than they were to learn.
“ But what could I possibly do for him?"
You don’t have to do anything. We care about you. I care about you.
—
“So when’s Paradisaea coming back?”
“Who?” Kaveh looked up from where he sat, in the corner of Alhaitham’s room.
“The bird,” said Alhaitham, as if the subject was somehow self-evident.
“No idea, they just come and go,” said Kaveh, before the rest of what Alhaitham said caught up with him. “You…” said Kaveh unsteadily, “renamed my bird?”
“Pepper was a terrible name,” sniffed Alhaitham in disdain, “besides, no King should be named after such a common name.” Alhaitham leaned back on his bed, looking up at Kaveh from his book, “Did you know their species was named King of Sumeru? ”
Kaveh stared at the man, normally so silent that Kaveh thought the house was empty the first few times he entered their house. He always tried to fill the house with noise to try and beat back the silence, to his roommate’s chagrin.
It was terrifying.
“No? I thought it was just a random bird.”
“They were a bird-of-paradise, so I named them Paradisaea. Has a bit of flair to it, don’t you think?”
Kaveh snorted, “Glad you’re making new friends, Alhaitham.”
Smirking at the image forming in his mind, Kaveh eventually searched for the bird in Alhaitham’s bird encyclopedia. Finishing the drawing, Kaveh laughed at the face Alhaitham made when he showed him the drawing: Alhaitham—wearing an eyepatch and holding a wicked sword—and Paradisaea, standing diligently on his shoulder.
The next time Kaveh saw the drawing, it was preserved carefully in a glass case. Where did that guy even get the glass case?
Feeling his face heat up, he quickly hurried out of Alhaitham’s room.
IV
By the fourth time the bird showed up, Alhaitham had finally figured out the pattern. Opening his own window, he waited with his arm outstretched to prove his theory.
Sure enough, Paradisaea landed gently on his arm, chirping softly. Ruffling Paradisaea’s feathers gently, Alhaitham smiled. Who knows where you could be for the rest of the month? Glad you could take some time out for me while you’re out there.
“Mhm,” hummed Alhaitham, “Who’s a good bird?”
Paradisaea posed dramatically, spreading their wings out. There were dashes of blue in the wing Alhaitham had never noticed.
The blue looked familiar, somehow.
“Hey, where exactly did Kaveh even find you? You’re his pet bird, yet I haven’t seen you interacting with Kaveh once…” mused Alhaitham. The bird chirped when they noticed Alhaitham stopped petting them, “Weird thing, aren’t you?”
Walking out of the room, Alhaitham wondered if Kaveh would want to see his bird. While Alhaitham would have normally stayed at home and finished his work, he could push it back a few days. Alhaitham needed a break, anyways.
Walking down streets Alhaitham knew like the back of his hand, he reached Lambad’s tavern. Searching around, it only took a few seconds to spot Cyno and Tighnari immersed in a conversation. That is, before Paradisaea let out a piercing chirp to announce Alhaitham’s presence.
They both jumped, Tighnari especially, with their larger ears. Alhaitham smirked when their shocked expression wore off into confusion.
Cyno coughed, “Why are you carrying a bird, Alhaitham?”
Alhaitham blinked and smiled, “It’s my bird. Paradisaea, say hello.”
Chirp. Tighnari smiled, though still recovering from that initial piercing chirp, “I didn’t take you for a pet owner, Alhaitham! Where did you find the little fella?”
“I don’t know.” replied Alhaitham, “You’d have to ask Kaveh. Speaking of which, do you know where he is? He said he’d be drinking with you guys tonight.” Alhaitham hasn’t seen him around that much lately.
“Um, did he?” Tighnari replied with uncertainty, “I don’t think he mentioned anything like that to us. We haven’t seen him all night.”
“Yeah, we thought Kaveh was with you?” Cyno chimed in, after taking a slow sip from a cup.
“No, he is not. A shame, I thought he would have wanted to see our bird.”
Cyno laughed, “ Our bird?” Smirking, Cyno shook his head, “Why, did you both go and pick one up from the pet shop as a symbol for your bond? ”
Alhaitham cleared his throat, “No. I just found them one day, stomping around in Kaveh’s room like it owned the place.”
Tighnari grinned and tried to pet Paradisaea. Not reacting well to this, Paradisaea chirped before jumping closer to Alhaitham, “Aw, I guess they aren’t very fond of strangers.”
Alhaitham shrugged, “I wouldn’t know. Hey, Paradisaea, would you mind if Tighnari pets you for a bit?”
Paradisaea gave him a stink eye before chirping curtly. Fine, they seemed to say. Flapping their wings, they landed on the table. Walking closer to Tighnari, Paradisaea suffered through the pets with a silent strength. Silent strength, pft.
Alhaitham, Cyno, and Tighnari talked for the rest of the night. Eventually, Paradisaea seemed to be on edge. Checking the tavern, it seemed that it was almost time for the tavern to close shop. They were the only group of people still in the tavern.
“Well, I’ll let you go free now. Off you go,” said Alhaitham, raising his arm and pointing it towards the sky. Paradise let out a shrill chirp before flapping off into the night, leaving a trail of white and blue feathers.
Snapping a cerulean feather out of the air, Alhaitham tucks it away.
He comes back to an empty house, and sleeps in the silence.
It was the bad kind.
In the dead air, the words “ But what could I possibly do for him?” wraps around Alhaitham’s skull and presses down, hard.
—
Kaveh stumbles down the stairs, as usual.
“Kaveh,” greeted Alhaitham when Kaveh entered the room.
“Al—,” Kaveh yawned, rubbing his eye, “—haitham. What’s up?”
Alhaitham didn’t respond, only silently pushing a cup of tea towards Kaveh. Downing the substance in one motion, Kaveh sighs. It’ll take some time for the caffeine to fully kick in.
Kaveh looks up and sees that Alhaitham is still watching him. What does the guy want?
“What?” said Kaveh confusingly, trying to see what this was all about.
“Your bird came again last night.”
“Oh,” said Kaveh dumbly, blinking to try and wake himself up, “What did it do?”
“Well,” began Alhaitham, taking a sip of tea, “I took Paradisaea to the tavern.”
Kaveh stared at Alhaitham, trying to catch the significance of the pauses Alhaitham was making, “Okay…?” It was rare (and kind of bewildering) to see Alhaitham give up on work to relax, even if he and Kaveh sometimes went to the tavern to hang out with Cyno and Tighnari.
(Kaveh always blacked out first.)
“You weren’t there.”
Kaveh swallowed. Right, he had made an off-handed comment to Alhaitham because he didn’t think Alhaitham would come out and check, but apparently not. Kaveh could feel his heartbeat skip a bit, which was slightly concerning.
“Oh. Alhaitham, I, uh—”
Alhaitham grimaces, before carefully spelling out what he wants to say, “Kaveh, are you okay?”
Huh.
“Yes, I’m perfectly fine, Alhaitham.”
“It’s just that… you’ve been distant. And I know I haven’t always been the best roommate.”
Friend. Both of them filled the word in that sentence automatically. I haven’t been a good friend to him, either.
“You know you can tell me if I’m doing something wrong, right?”
Alhaitham stood still and emotionless, and while Alhaitham could fool anyone else into thinking he was fine, Kaveh only needed to peel back the layers a bit to see just how exposed Alhaitham was at that moment.
Out of everyone, Kaveh didn’t expect Alhaitham to drop his walls for Kaveh. His heart felt squeezed when he heard Alhaitham speak. Did he… read my sketchbook? Gods, I… I didn’t mean it. That damned bird…
Kaveh needed to fix this… this disaster that was happening right in front of him. Why do his words always manage to hurt someone? Kaveh’s hands shook when he spoke, “What? N-no. I just, I just needed some fresh air, y’know? It has nothing to do with you, s-so, don’t go and make baseless assumptions!”
Alhaitham only nods, and looks away. Kaveh can’t tell whether or not he believes in it. Standing up, Kaveh made his way towards Alhaitham.
“Alhaitham, you’re my friend.”
“Okay. I just… Okay. Give me some time.”
He looked miserable. And it’s your fault. Kaveh felt like he was drowning in a torrent of emotions. Walking away stiffly, he gave one last glance at the man. Holding a cup of cooling tea, Alhaitham looked out the window.
—
“Where’s the feather?”
“Hm?” Kaveh looked up from his drink, bleary-eyed.
Cyno patted the left side of their head, “The blue feather you always have tucked in your hair. It’s gone.”
V
Alhaitham sat by the window, waiting for Paradisaea. It had been a long day, and Alhaitham was tired. Rain splattered on the street, falling like fields of arrows in Sumeru City. Rain droplets coated the windowsill, slowly trickling down on the floor.
Alhaitham should close the window soon. He doesn’t.
And so Alhaitham waits, and waits, and waits some more. He waits until a faint shape appears in the distance. A distinctly bird-like shape speeding, streaking through the air like a bolt of lightning.
Paradisaea flew through the open window of Alhaitham’s bedroom and crashed into his chest. Acting on instinct, Alhaitham caught the sodden lump of fur before it could tumble to the ground. Paradisaea was shivering in the cold, curling its wings around itself.
Acting quickly, Alhaitham bolted out of the room and came back with towels. It barely took a few seconds, but when Alhaitham came back, Paradisaea was waiting in front of the door; A trail of liquid followed behind from where they jumped down and walked.
“Come on, buddy. Let’s get you dry.”
Burying Paradisaea in towels, Alhaitham shut the window to stop any more rain from getting in. Sighing, Alhaitham stared at Paradisaea. They stared back.
“You should’ve stayed under a tree or something.”
Chirp.
Alhaitham huffed, “It’s good to see you again, too.”
In the end, Alhaitham tucked Paradisaea into his bed. The blankets absolutely dwarfed Paradisaea, surrounded by giant pillows. Sliding over his chair to the side of the bed, Alhaitham grabbed a cover of Akademiya’s Advanced Learner’s Dictionary and droned.
Paradisaea gave him a hard stare, an indignant chirp, and an irritated flick of its plumes before turning. It only took a few minutes for the bird to fall asleep. Rolling his eyes while smiling, Alhaitham made himself comfortable in the chair and slept well for the first time in a month.
—
Alhaitham woke up to Kaveh sitting on his bed, pressed against the wall, eyes wide.
“What the fuck,” says Alhaitham.
“Goddamn bird,” replies Kaveh, to nobody in particular, “I knew I should’ve locked myself in a cage.”
“You…” Alhaitham’s face twitches, and he gnashes his teeth. Something inside of him feels disturbed. His heart. Distantly, a part of him whispers, ‘it’s anger.’
“For two weeks.” Alhaitham wanted to yell, wanted to cry, wanted to show something. But there’s nothing. He retreats back behind his walls and tries to nurse the wound he’s been ignoring ever since Kaveh left him alone. “When were you going to come back? If you even were, that is.”
“I—” Kaveh grips the blankets covered over his body and swallows, then swallows again. His hands were starting to shake again. Kaveh wished he’d stop doing that. Alhaitham stands on the farthest side of the room, staring. Waiting for any response.
“I’m—” Sorry. Couldn’t handle hurting you. Couldn’t handle hurting you again. Couldn’t handle being brave enough to say sorry, being brave enough to stay and fix what I did, being brave enough to even say I love you. How fucked up is that?
I’m afraid of losing you. I’m afraid of losing you again. I’m afraid of how much it’ll hurt when I do.
I’m afraid.
The words don’t come out. Of course it doesn’t. Kaveh suddenly wanted to laugh at how fucked up he was. Saying the worst things when everything counted, not being able to say anything when it was over.
“Well, aren’t you going to say something?” Alhaitham’s voice was almost steady, tiny cracks were spreading. A stone dam worn down with age, upon age, upon age, “Anything? Anything. Please.”
“It’s been quiet without you here,” and fuck, Kaveh knows. He knows how it feels, walking down silent, empty, dead corridors, with only the ghosts of previous life remaining in the walls, fading away like bygone memories. Kaveh looked around the room he was in and couldn’t imagine that happening here. Not here.
Do something, Kaveh, something inside him chirped, He’s a kind man. The thought was less a combination of words, and more sheer instinct. A gut reaction translated into emotion.
Shut up! You’re the one who got me in this mess in the first place, tearing up that sketchbook!
I’m a part of you. Do you remember that night, staring at that hidden page bitterly? You wanted that sketchbook gone. It was hurting you.
I can’t even remember half of what you’ve done when you were in control!
He was lonely without you. That’s why I became his friend. But he needs you.
It doesn’t matter! Nobody needs me here. Not my father, not my mother. No-one. You hear me?
You know that’s not true. He cares for you, and you care for him. Intertwined like a knotted string. Be brave. Chirp.
“...It’s been quiet without you, too.” Kaveh eventually gets out. He curls up against the wall, tears making his vision blurry, “I’m sorry. Can you give me a hug?”
Alhaitham’s face tensed, before loosening, anger draining out of him. Crawling into his bed, Alhaitham cupped Kaveh’s head and hugged him. It was warm, intimate—more intimate than any kiss—and it left something shining so bright in Kaveh it hurt to look at. It felt almost too big, too bright for Kaveh to handle, but he did anyway, cradling it into his chest. Never letting it go, never.
Kaveh let out choked sobs. Crying always felt too loud when he was with his mother. Alhaitham only held Kaveh tighter, letting him.
Kaveh sniffed, “I’m s-sorry for being so m-much of myself. I couldn’t f-figure it out, even a-at the end. I-I’m so afraid, all the t-time. I thought I l-lost you.” Kaveh’s words were blurry, like hot mist on glass. Clear in places, blurry in others.
“...You didn’t.”
Kaveh wanted to wail, but he could produce nothing but a whisper, “I t-thought I did that day. I didn’t want to c-come back and make it certain. I-I’m not brave, Alhaitham.” There’s just some things I can’t face, that I know will destroy me if I do.
“I thought I lost you that day, too.”
“What?”
“That day, in the Akademiya. There were things I shouldn’t have said to you, too.”
“...you were right.”
“To an extent. Nothing’s ever that simple, is it? The world’s always in shades of gray when we wish it could be black and white. No matter how true what I said was, I hurt you. There were better ways. I’m sorry.”
“It h-hurt.”
“I know.”
“I’m still going to t-try and help. Even if… even if you think it's wrong and stupid.”
“I know. It was something I admired. But sometimes it blinds you. I can see how it blinds you. I just don’t want you to get hurt. I’ve… never admitted it, but it took me driving you away to see what you were trying to say.”
Kaveh sighed, “I… understood what you were trying to tell me back then now, too. When I was wandering the streets with nothing to my name. It hurt worse when you weren’t there," Kaveh took a deep breath to try and prepare for what he was about to say, "I’m so afraid of waking up again and realizing you won’t be there one day, Alhaitham. That every day could be the day I finally drive you away. I hate the silence.”
“You do make quite a racket in there every night.”
“...”
Alhaitham breathed out slowly and drew Kaveh closer. He thought he could feel their heartbeats syncing, if only for a moment, “We’ll just have to fill the silence with us then. Drive it far away with our tea, and books, and bickering, until we’ll forget it was ever here.”
“Alhaitham.”
“Yes?”
“You’re so fucking annoying sometimes. How did you manage to calm me down?”
Alhaitham chucked, “I love you.”
Kaveh’s fingers were trembling. He didn’t mind. Fighting back his instinctive urge to say “No”, because things like that don’t happen to me, he instead held onto that ball of happiness tighter. “...I love you too. Ha, when do you think that happened?”
“Well, does it matter?”
“I guess not. I don’t think I could have, with anyone else. Maybe it was good that it hurt. I couldn’t imagine a reality where it doesn’t. I don’t want to.”
Alhaitham laid Kaveh on the bed, curling up so the Architect was embraced by the Scribe on all sides.
Curling through his blonde hair, Alhaitham remarked on the lack of a certain blue feather, “Did you take the feather off?”
“No...”
Alhaitham scoffed, the pieces finally clicking, “...You were Paradisaea the entire time, weren’t you?” The colour scheme, the dramatic attitude, the Kaveh-ness of the bird… it was obvious.
Kaveh sighed, “Yes. It’s stupid. I don’t know why it happens, but it does. Like a…”
“Were-bird. Every month, during the full moon.”
“...Basically. It’s just there, like a part of me that has no inhibition whatsoever. I can’t even remember half of what happens when I’m the stupid bird.”
“Well if you wanted to know, you were really dramatic—”
“Hey!”
“—and cute.”
“Oh. What, hey! Don’t pet me like how you pet the bird!”
“You’re blushing.”
“I’m not!”
“Yes, you are.”
“No I’m not!”
“Do you want me to go get a mirror?”
Kaveh only huffed, holding still for a moment before saying, “No. Hold me tighter.”
—
A few days later, Kaveh handed back the cover of a thesis that had been torn, but was repaired. Smiling, Alhaitham tucked the blue feather he had gathered from Paradisaea into Kaveh’s hair. Where it belonged.
Sometimes when either one of them could feel the silence creeping up, the other stepped in. Driving back the shadow with love in hand. They would create their very own silence, a comfortable one they can revel in every day.
VI
Cyno grunted, wiping off blood from his mouth, “You’re not taking me down that easily.”
A man suddenly walked into sight at the entrance of the alley, wearing a rough coat, eyepatch, and wielding a wicked sword. Drawing slowly from the sheath, the rest of Cyno’s enemies turned around at the sound of metal sheathing.
Chirp. A pale bird sat at the man’s shoulder, with red plumes trailing from the back of its head.
“Hey, Cyno.”
Cyno baulked, “What in the seven Archons are you wearing?”
Alhaitham grinned, “You wouldn’t get it.”