Archive of Our Own ^beta

The first thing Chin knows is harsh fluorescent lights and a cold static-y voice, "Dr Morgan, please report to radiology. Dr Morgan, please report to radiology."

And it takes him a moment to understand he's in a hospital, that he's hurting, but it's the lights overhead that are bothering him the most. And he blinks sharply, trying to block them out but it doesn't do much.

They get turned down anyways.

And Chin suddenly notices he's not alone in the room.

The woman is middle aged, black hair with grey streaks tied back and a stethoscope around her neck. "I'm Doctor Chang," she says with a kind smile. "I'm afraid you have a pretty severe concussion. Do you remember what happened?"

It hurts his head just to try. And he shakes his head, and immediately regrets that decision too. Dr Chang looks sympathetic. "That's alright, don't force it," she says and she takes out a small light and shined in both of Chin's eyes.

It hurts and he wishes she wouldn't.

"Do you know what day it is?"

He has no idea. "No."

"Do you know who the president is?"

Chin frowns, instead of the information, all he gets is a headache. "No."

Dr Chang frowns and pulls out a pen and asks him to follow it with his eyes. "Do you know your name?"

Chin opens his mouth to answer but the information doesn't come. Dr Chang must see the panic in his eyes though because she just nods politely, "It's alright," she tells him. "Don't force it. This happens sometimes with injuries like yours, get some rest, take some time and hopefully your memories will return in their own time."

"Hopefully?" asks Chin.

"Your name is Chin Ho Kelly," she tells him. "And you have friends outside who would like to see you now that you're awake. Unless you'd rather get some rest for now."

Chin has to admit, he is curious about who might be waiting outside, but he is already having trouble keeping his eyes open. Dr Chang just nods kindly. "Get some sleep," she tells him. "You can see them later."

*

When Chin wakes up again he feels more up to visitors and even though he still has the headache from hell, he's feeling a bit more coherent and at the very least aware of his surrounding. Still, after another quick assessment, Doctor Chang only lets one visitor in at a time. The first one is a woman, about the same age as Chin, maybe a bit younger, with an affectionate smile and worried eyes.

"Doc says you rattled your brain a bit," she says, careful to speak softly like Dr Chang.

"So I'm told," says Chin. And he wants to ask her who she is, but he isn't sure how.

It must show on his face though, because she says, "You have no idea who I am, do you?"

Chin shakes his head and she looks immeasurably sad.

"I hoped--Kono," she says. "Kono Kalakaua, we're cousins."

Chin frowns, "That's a Hawaiian name. I'm Korean."

"We're both a bit of everything," says Kono with a wry grin. "Korean, Hawaiian, Japanese, it's a long list."

Chin has so many questions and so little to go off, he doesn't even know where to start. He finally settles on, "What happened?"

"I always knew that bike would get you killed one day," says Kono and Chin has no idea what she's talking about. "Your motor bike went one way, you went a second and your helmet went a third," she explains. "A dog ran out into the middle of the road, and you swerved."

Chin cringes, even though he can't remember it at all.

"I'm sorry," Chin says, because he can see the concern still etched on Kono's face. "I didn't mean to worry you."

He doesn't know if it's true or not, but it feels true and he hopes it is. She smiles and nods, "I know."

*

After that Chin meets so many people he's supposed to know it makes his head spin. He meets Steve, who is tall and pretty and frowns at him like if he could just glare hard enough he can make Chin's memories come back through pure force of will. And Steve tells him about their job, on a police task force together, and how Chin was trained up by his dad and how he's one of the best cops he's ever known.

Not a bit of it is familiar, and he takes Steve word on all of it.

He meets Danny who is short, but tough enough Chin would never want to get on his bad side, with a definite Jersey accent and photos of the sweetest little girl on his smart phone that he's just itching to show off. And overall Danny seems a lot more concerned at the idea that Chin's forgotten his daughter than he does that Chin's forgotten him.

And Lou, who is as tall as Danny is short, but every bit as loud and opinionated, and every bit as devoted to his family. And he talks more about Chicago then he does Chin and Hawaii, Chin just listens and appreciates the break from information he's supposed to already have.

And alright, Chin thinks, at least he seems popular. But even after a whole day of visitors, nothing inside stirs, and except for a tiny ineffable feeling around Kono, nothing feels at all familiar.

Until his next visitor walks in. Jerry, he introduces himself, and he looks shy as he slips into the chair beside Chin's bed.

And two distinct feelings swirl inside of Chin--that he knows him, and that he trusts him.

"You really don't remember anything?" asks Jerry.

Chin shakes his head. "Are you a cop too?" he asks since everyone else had been colleagues.

And Jerry laughs. "I wish," he says, "But McGarrett refuses to give me a badge. Even though I keep saving your team's ass."

"Steve?" asks Chin because he's not sure.

"Yeah," Jerry confirms. "Steve McGarrett."

Chin nods and commits the name to memory, "So I know you through work too." And he's starting to wonder if he has any life at all outside of his job.

"What? No." says Jerry quickly, "Me and you, we go way back, Dude. We've been buddies since high school."

"That's a while," Chin agrees. And he had to admit there's a definite fondness he feels talking to Jerry that hadn't been present for the others except maybe Kono, and a long term friendship makes sense. And there was one small jealous part of Chin that he would never admit to that was even glad that Jerry was his, rather than the rest of the team's.

"You rest up," says Jerry. "Doc says you can go home later now that they're confident you're not going to die in your sleep. I just need to go over the care instructions."

"You're going home with me?" asks Chin surprised.

Jerry shrugs "Well, you know, since I'm already living with you."

"We live together?"

"Well temporarily," says Jerry, not quite meeting Chin's eyes. "I'm sort of...between jobs and you don't remember right now but you did offer."

"No it's--"

"I've got this," says Jerry, "the trick is to stay one step ahead of them. Just gotta keep moving, you know?"

They're outside, and Chin can hear the beach. People yelling. Jerry is eating coconut shrimp, Chin can smell it.

"Ahead of who, Jer?"

"You want the whole list? I've pissed off a lot of people."

Chin has to work to keep himself from looking amused. "You know, I do have a free room. You could just stay with me."

"No way," says Jerry, "That's the first place they'd look for me."

"I am a cop," Chin points out. "It's as safe a place as you can find."

"You'll protect me?" Jerry asks, rolling his eyes. "I'm not some damsel in distress, I can take care of myself."

And Chin feels this sudden heavy ache in his chest.

"You alright, dude?"

Chin blinks and he's back in the hospital room. Jerry is watching him concerned.

"Sorry, I must have drifted off." He wonders what just happened. The ache in his chest is still just as strong though and he has no idea what it is and he tries to shake it off.

"Alright, then, I'll be back in a bit. Rest, you look like your headache's come back," Jerry says oblivious and he leaves Chin alone to process what he just saw. A memory, he realises.

*

Chin's house isn't what he expects. It's large enough for a small family and he can understand why he was so eager for Jerry to stay with him because it's definitely too big for just him.

"How long have I lived here?" he asks Jerry as he looks around. He doesn't know the place, but there's a sense of familiarity to it anyways, like he saw it in a dream once. He's definitely felt this house before. And he picks up a figurine of a ballerina, something decidedly feminine and wonders how he came to possess it. But even without the memory to go with it, it feels dear to him and he picks it up and runs his finger over it, feeling the plastic bumps and grooves.

"A few years, now," says Jerry absently, moving to the kitchen and pulling out some pots and pans. "What do you want for dinner? I think I'm in the mood for stir fry."

"Yeah," says Chin following. "Anything sounds good after hospital food."

The kitchen is cluttered, and judging by the sheepish way Jerry immediately starts putting things away, Chin guesses it's not usually like this.

He walks through the room and sits down at the table, and he doesn't really know why but he feels particularly uneasy here. Jerry doesn't seem to notice though, and he tries to put it out of his mind.

"So the docs say being around more familiar things should help jog your memory," says Jerry. "Being here jogging anything?"

Chin doesn't think it is really. Nothing tangible anyways, but he feels all these things like sense memory, with no concrete events to attach them to and he's uneasy. It feels worse here being without his memory than it did at the hospital. Like he's somehow more vulnerable, not knowing what he's supposed to be feeling or doing, and he thinks maybe that he's a man who keeps a lot of secrets.

"Do you always cook?" he asks.

"We go back and forth," says Jerry. "But the doc told me not to let you overexert yourself. Don't worry, you love my stir fries."

And so Chin watches Jerry move through the kitchen, which is apparently Chin's, like he belongs there, and wonders how long Jerry's been here.

Chin walks into the kitchen after hearing the sound of something frying. He's had a long day at work, but he knows she's had an equally hard day at the clinic. But she's already got something frying, and there's another pot boiling beside it, some sort of soup simmering, and the smell of pork and potatoes fills the kitchen.

"You didn't have to go through all this trouble," he tells her. But she just smiles at him.

"I wanted to," she says. "I like cooking, it's relaxes me. You know that."

Chin comes around behind her and holds her tight, "I don't deserve you," he says.

"Damn straight," she agrees easily, but she turns her head and gives Chin a small peck anyways. "Now get out of here, and let me finish this before I burn the stir fry."

Chin obediently disentangles himself, "I'll set the table."

Chin blinks, the stir fry Jerry is cooking is very different than the one he just remembered. And instead of the white rice and shrimp, Chin can smell nuts and mushrooms cooking over wild rice.

Jerry is talking about some sci-fi show and doesn't notice that Chin hasn't heard a word he's said. Jerry is not the beautiful women he just had in his kitchen and the contrast between the two memories feels strange. And he wonders who she was. He knows he loved her.

"You alright?" asks Jerry, Chin hadn't even noticed he'd stopped talking.

"Uh yeah," he says shaking his head, "just feeling a bit disoriented."

Jerry looks concerned, "Do you need to go lay down? You're allowed to sleep, but I'm gonna need to check on you every few hours," he says.

Chin shakes his head, "I'm hungrier than I am tired," he says. "I just--it's all a bit surreal, you know?"

"Hey, take your time," says Jerry. "It's--"

"It's perfect!" she says, walking into the bare kitchen, "It's close to both our jobs, it's a nice neighbourhood, and did you see the bathtub? Jets, Chin Ho! Imagine those after a long day chasing down bad guys."

"Or a long night bent over patients beds in the oncology ward," Chin suggests.

She grins. "You see my point."

"It's expensive," says Chin.

"We can afford it, between the two of us," she tells him. "Think of it as an investment. We can be here for a long time."

Something catches in Chin's throat, "I noticed it's also near a school," he points out. Sure it's not a coincidence.

She just shrugs. "I'm not saying we should, or even if I want to. But it doesn't hurt to have the option," she points out.

And Chin feels something warm and hopeful settle in the pit of his stomach.

"I need a minute," says Chin suddenly. Interrupting Jerry mid word.

It takes him a minute to find the washroom, going one way until Jerry points him the other direction. "Up the stairs, first on the left!"

Chin runs the water and splashes his face, letting the feeling of the cool water ground him as he forces himself to slow his breathing. He stares at his reflection in the mirror. It's familiar, it feels right, but he hadn't actually known it until he was looking at it.

He can hear voices, but can't attach a face to them.

"You look just like your father."

"He's gonna break a lot of hearts."

"Mmm, I want to bite those cheekbones."

And in the voice of the women he hears, "Your eyes," she decides. "I fell in love with how soft your eyes are. They looked so kind."

He finds himself both aching for and fearing the memories that are suddenly tumbling out of his head.

*

"Don't we have other family?" Chin asks Kono when she comes by later that night.

She came alone, everyone still worried about overwhelming him, and considering how suddenly memories keep suddenly pop up, he's grateful.

He's sure they do, he's seen a couple flashes. People who look like both of them, with smiling eyes and a woman with grey hair and a far off look.

Kono looks uncomfortable. "You were sort of estranged," she says. "I mean, it's all kind of resolved, but things are still awkward, you know? They're all asking after you, but everyone seems to think they'll cause more harm than good."

Chin frowns, not sure how to process that.

"What did I do?" he asks.

"Nothing," she says fiercely, "you took care of your family like you're supposed to. You're a good man, Chin Ho Kelly."

The force of her answer startles him. And he feels uneasy about the memories hidden deep inside him where he can't access them.

*

Chin watches his captor carefully as he crosses the room, knife glinting in his hands. Chin tests his restraints again, he knows if he can't get out, he's going to die here. Slowly, painstakingly tortured until his killer finally bores of him enough to just finish him off.

He's struggling, begging, as the knife is slowly brought up to his skin when they're interrupted by a knock at the door.

Except no, it had been a doorbell.

Chin's eyes fly open and he sits up and sees Jerry standing, silhouetted, in the door way, hand raised to knock again.

"I'm supposed to check on you every few hours, wake you up, but you looked like you were having a nightmare."

Chin just nods. "I"m OK," he says.

Jerry doesn't look like he quite believes him, but he nods anyways. "Alright, I'll see you again in a few hours."

Chin nods and watches Jerry go, but he regrets letting him a few minutes later when he realises he doesn't want to go back to sleep. He's estranged to his family, he keeps remembering a woman he loved who's conspicuously absent and now memories of torture. What kind of life does he live?

*

Chin spends the next morning moving between naps and looking around his house. Touching objects, staring out windows. Willing memories to come back, but mostly objects and places look just like that. Cold and unfamiliar.

"It was hers," he realises, picking the ballerina from yesterday back up. The first object he gets anything from. "When she was 11, the Bolshoi Ballet came to Honolulu and she saw them perform live. She loved ballet ever since." He has no idea where the information is coming from, but it's exciting. It feels like the first real breakthrough he's had.

"Hers?" Jerry asked, looking confused.

"The woman--I keep remembering a woman. I don't know her name, but she lived here too." He doesn't succeed in hiding the frustration from his voice. Wanting to know who she was, where she went.

Jerry's eyes look glassy, and Chin thinks he might be holding back tears. "Malia," he tells Chin. "You're remembering Malia."

"Malia," Chin repeats, and the name feels familiar on his lips. And there's an ache in his chests as he says it and that's familiar too. She's gone, he realises. Because he recognizes this particular form of grief.

"How long?" he asks, still examining the ballerina.

Jerry understands the question, "nearly 3 years."

Chin swallows and nods.

"There's photos," says Jerry. "There used to be wedding photos on the walls, but you took them down. But they're still here, packed away if you want to see them."

"Maybe later," says Chin. Because he's pretty sure if he were to look at them right now he'd be a mess. He keeps the ballerina with him though, holding it gently in his hand wherever he wanders.

*

Danny stops in after lunch to check up on him, walking in like he lives there. And when they sit down in the living room, Chin stares at Danny sipping his beer for a few seconds and says "I called you a haole the first time we met."

"Yeah," says Danny grinning, "you asshole."

Chin's face softens. "And when Malia died you came by a lot. You kept bringing food, and you'd listen to me talk about her."

"Yeah," Danny confirms, his voice going quiet. "Yeah, we did that, too."

"Thank you," says Chin. Because he doesn't remember if he thanked Danny at the time, and it meant a lot to him.

"Nothing you wouldn't have done for me," says Danny shrugging it off. And he looks like he means it.

"So they're coming back then," says Danny seriously. "You're starting to remember again."

"Bits and pieces," says Chin honestly. "Flashes mostly, but sometimes I just know something and I don't know how I know it. Or I feel something and I don't know why. I still don't remember much."

"Sounds like a mess," says Danny taking a thoughtful sip of his beer. "They think it'll all come back eventually?"

"They're hopeful," says Chin. "Maybe in a few days if I keep recovering."

"Glad to hear it, Babe. We miss you down at HQ."

"Hey, Scully!" says Jerry coming in the front door and lighting up.

Danny drains his beer. "I need to get going. Thanks for the beer."

"No problem," says Chin and he thinks maybe Danny doesn't like Jerry much. It's too bad, Chin couldn't imagine a better friend helping him through this.

But Jerry just brings in the groceries looking oblivious, and Chin goes to help him and puts it out of his mind.

*

Steve comes by that evening and Chin actually remembers little snippets about him. Remembers watching him as a teenager playing football and feeling both impressed and a bit jealous when he beat all his old records. Glimpses of him when he was in the navy and Chin was working with his dad. Remembers his steady presence, coming through for him, when he needed it if he can't actually think of any concrete examples.

Chin is starting to wonder how he managed to amass so many loyal friends.

They're sitting in the kitchen though, and Chin still doesn't like it here, still doesn't understand why, but Jerry's cooking dinner again and the least he can do is hang out.

Jerry's cooking something with bean paste and cheese and it smells fantastic.

"Does he always spoil me like this?" Chin asks Steve, "Or just when I get a head injury?"

"When he was staying with me, he wouldn't stop making elaborate meals," says Steve. "Guy knows how to cook."

"Aw shucks, guys," says Jerry, and Chin can see a blotchy red crawling up his neck.

"So this is why you managed to show up just before dinner," Chin accuses Steve.

Steve just grins and takes a sip of his beer, "I'll admit to nothing."

It's a nice night, quiet, and not too warm, and Jerry even opened the windows by the stove and the breeze carries the smell of Jerry's cooking over to them. Chin glances at the windows and sees it's already dark outside.

Chin is staring out the dark windows, waiting for the sound of sirens, flashing lights, why aren't they here yet? Don't they know she's dying?

Malia has stopped gasping under him and Chin is crying, "No, no, no, please," he begs, "please, please, please."

And when the EMTs finally do arrive they're dragging him off and pronouncing her dead at the scene and Chin can't breathe. Doesn't want to breathe if she's not. Not when it's all his fault.

"No!" he screams trying to get back to her.

"No!" Chin screams, and it takes him a moment to realise he's not in his chair anymore and it's Steve holding him back and not the paramedics. "She didn't do anything!" he yells it anyway. "It was me! I was the one they wanted!"

"Don't," says Steve, shifting from holding him back to just holding him while Chin sobbed into his chest. "Don't go down that road. You don't want to carry that around with you."

He makes it sound so simple, and Chin just keeps sobbing, keeps willing the pain away, as raw as if it had happened yesterday. And Steve just clutches him and says, "Not your fault, man."

They end up outside once Chin's recovered enough, because Chin just needs to get out of that room for a while, and some fresh air seems like a good idea. Steve sits beside him on the back step and stares up at the stars.

"Why did I stay here?" asks Chin. "This whole place hurts. Everything reminds me of her, even before I remembered her."

Steve nods. "I don't know if you remember, but my old man was shot in my study. Well it was his study at the time, but there's still a bloodstain under the rug in there because I couldn't get it out of the floorboards. That was my fault too, as much as Malia was yours.

"I still don't like going in that study. I changed all the furniture, rearranged it all, I still can't spend time there. When I go in to clean it, I can still hear the gunshot."

"So why stay?" asks Chin. "Why not just replace the floorboards and sell the place?"

Steve shrugs, "I don't know. Because it's home, I guess. And if I left, I lose that part of him. So maybe it's a bit selfish too. Or maybe it's because I'm hoping one day I'll wake up and it will hurt less, and I'll still have the house and the memories and it will be worth it."

Chin pulls the ballerina he's been carrying with him out of his pocket. "I forgot her," he says. And suddenly he feels guilty about that too. Even though he knows logically he couldn't have prevented it.

"Have all your returning memories been wrapped up in Malia?" Steve asks Chin.

Chin nods.

"You know, it's been three years. I don't think she'd want this."

"I don't understand," says Chin.

"She'd want you to be happy, Buddy. She'd want you to move on. Three years, and you're still so wrapped up in your grief that she's the first thing that comes back, that's not healthy."

Chin frowns, and squeezes the ballerina. It feels like a betrayal. Like stepping back would mean abandoning her.

But before he answers, the door opens then and Jerry comes out carrying paper plates and passing food around. "Thought maybe we could eat out here," he says. "Such a nice night, y'know?"

Chin takes a plate and a fork and puts the ballerina back in his pocket and pretends Jerry isn't lying about why he brought the food out here.

"So is that how it's been going?" asks Steve, "Your memory just coming back in bits and pieces."

"Yeah, seem so," says Chin. "But it's usually not that exciting."

"Yeah," says Jerry, "Usually his eyes gloss over and he frowns like he's concentrating really hard."

Jerry makes a very serious frown to demonstrate and Chin grins despite himself and says, "I do not."

"Do too," Jerry insists. "Just like this." He makes the face again and Chin pushes him. "And then he comes back and he apologizes for spacing out and won't tell you anything about it."

"Hey," says Chin, pushing him playfully and Jerry turns to protect his food.

Even Steve smiles and tells Jerry his impression is spot on. And the three of them sit, awkwardly eating off paper plates on Chin's back step and making bad jokes to each other for the rest of the evening.

That night, long after Steve's left, Chin remembers killing Malia's killer. He remembers looking him right in the eye and shooting him as he begged for his life. He still can't bring himself to regret it and finds that more disturbing than the actual event.

*

Jerry finds Chin the next morning in a pair of pyjama pants, sitting cross-legged on his bed looking around his bedroom and marvelling at how clean it is. Almost sterile.

"Oh hey, you're not even dressed yet," says Jerry from the door. "You want me to come back later for breakfast?"

Chin starts, he hadn't realised anyone was there and turns around to look at Jerry who is looking oddly distracted.

"I'm good," he says, "Just wondering about a few things."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," says Chin. "I think I need to get out of this house. Maybe we can go somewhere for lunch or something?"

"If you're getting tired of my cooking, you can just tell me," says Jerry.

Chin grins, "Never."

"Okay, I think I've got some ideas," says Jerry. "Go put a shirt on. We've got places to go!"

*

They end up at Kamekona's and Chin looks around the beach and Chin feels goosebumps as he stares out at the scenery he feels like he should know, but doesn't recognize.

"Hey Brutha!" yells a large man behind the ice cream shack, and Chin says, "Kamekona," without even thinking, like it's trained into him. And marvels that he knew.

Chin feels hot in his too heavy uniform and pulls a bit on the collar as he walks towards towards the ice stand. Kamekona glares as he approaches.

"I ain't got nothin' to say to you, Bra," he says.

"Then just listen," says Chin. "The Samoans know you're dealing with the Triads. You need to watch your back."

Kamekona looks briefly terrified, and then his eyes narrow, "You're lying," he accuses. "This is some kind of trick."

"I'm not," says Chin easily. "But if you want to risk it, it's your funeral."

"Why would you help me?" Kamekona asks. "What's in it for you?"

And Chin hesitates a moment before he finally says, "Look, you're a decent guy. You might not realise it, but you never would have helped us if you weren't. You could be a better person than all of this; I just think it'd be a shame if you got yourself killed before you figured that out."

"And being seen talkin' to a cop is supposed to help me?" asks Kamekona.

Chin shrugs. "Hey, I'm just here for a shaved ice," he says smartly.

Chin starts. How long ago had that been? The beach looks the exact same, it even has the same picnic tables. But somehow he has a feeling a lot of time has passed.

"You alright, Bra?" asks Kamekona frowning, concerned.

"Yeah," says Chin quickly. "Sorry I got distracted."

"He hit his head," Jerry explains, miming a smack to his own head as he does it. "He's spacing out a bit, memory's gone a bit foggy but we're working on that."

"That sounds tough," says Kamekona. "You gonna be alright?"

"Yeah, eventually," says Chin frowning. He feels a bit vulnerable, especially when all he has on Kamekona is a vague memory warning him about trafficking drugs. But Jerry seems at ease with him, and so far Chin has done pretty good following Jerry's lead.

"Heavy stuff," says Kamekona casually. "The usual then?"

"Lemon for me," says Jerry.

Chin frowns. "What's my usual?" he asks.

"You really did hit your head," says Kamekona and makes him a grape cone.

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea," says Jerry as they sit down. "You seem really out of it."

Chin is trying to piece together his flashback with Kamekona, but it's not working. And already the details he had from the flashback feel like they're slipping away, too small a piece of too big a story.

"Huh?"

"Just let me know if you're feeling overwhelmed," says Jerry seriously.

Chin nods gratefully, "Don't worry, I will."

Chin does apparently like grape shaved ice. And when he eats it he feels warm, and fond memories play just out of reach, disappearing the moment he tries to focus on them.

"Thanks, by the way," says Chin.

"For what?"

"For this. For helping me out. I'm sure there's other things you could be doing."

Jerry shrugs. "Not really, actually," he admits. "Mostly I've just taken a couple days off from my job search, so you're kind of paying for it anyways. Besides, I owe you, Dude. You do a lot for me. Least I can do is help jog a few memories."

Chin feels something warm bubble deep in his belly at Jerry's words. "Thanks."

Chin finally finds Jerry at Kamekona's truck, sitting in a trench coat, notepad in hand.

"Jer, you've got to be broiling in that," says Chin sitting down beside him.

Jerry just looks cautiously around before saying in a quiet voice, "Necessary."

"Yeah?" Chin whispers back. "What's going on?"

"Shh, act natural," hisses Jerry showing Chin his notepad. He's trying to break a code. "Most recent numbers station," he explains.

"Alright," says Chin, "but why are you working on it here?"

Jerry looks at Chin like it should be obvious. "I can't solve codes without a steady supply of coconut shrimp."

"Of course," says Chin indulgently, stealing a shrimp. "But you know, if you want to come back home and work there I was going to make Ahi Poke. And it's too much work for just me. That's pretty good brain food, right?"

"I love Ahi Poke," says Jerry.

Chin looks at Jerry, who looks a little lost in his lemon shaved ice and can't help the fond look he gives him. "I've been enjoying it."

Jerry looks up confused. "Huh?"

"You staying with me," says Chin. "The house feels less empty, more lived in. It's nice."

Jerry looks genuinely surprised to hear it, and Chin guesses he's never bothered to express this to Jerry before and wonders why.

But Jerry smiles into his lemon shaved ice, and Chin's glad he did.

*

When they finish with the shaved ice they head down to Iolani palace where the rest of the team is all in their offices, mostly hunched over their desks. But Danny is up getting more coffee and he smiles when he sees Chin.

"Smart," he says as he goes passed, "getting a head injury to get out of all the paperwork we've got backlogged."

"Can't write a report if you can't remember it," Lou agrees from his office door.

"You guys caught me," Chin deadpans, "thought I'd gotten away with it, too."

"Well feel free to wander around," says Danny. "God knows we can use a distraction."

Chin nods and he walks past the computer table, new and white, and asks Danny, "Did we replace this?"

"Mmm?" asks Danny, "Yeah, over a year ago, it got blown up."

Chin feels like he almost remembers--should remember something that big--but it's not quite there and he frowns down at the table frustrated. He does remember the new one though, or at least how he felt when it arrived. All clean and shiny, and eager to play with it.

And he remembers a moment before either table was ever here, just him, Kono, Danny and Steve, sitting in the middle of the room surrounded by boxes and this feeling that this was the beginning of something special.

Chin slips out and wanders into his office.

It's as immaculately clean as his bedroom, everything in its proper place. And there's photos. One of him and Kono, one of the two of them plus many many other people he assumes is his family. He picks the photo up but he doesn't recognize most of them.

He wonders if he would have an easier time if they weren't estranged. If they were a bigger part of his life like Kono and Jerry are.

Beside that is a picture of him and Malia. He never got around to looking at the wedding photos, but he has no trouble recognizing her, grinning beside him at whoever it is holding the camera. He doesn't recognize the setting though and wonders if it meant anything to them, or if it was just a random spot.

The day before yesterday he didn't even remember she existed, and even now when he can't even recognize most of his family, he still feels her loss. And he finds himself clinging to that feeling, because it connects him to his past self. Makes him feel like he'd been a real person before waking up in that hospital.

Kono walks in, then quietly stops behind Chin's chair and picks up the family photo. "We took this at Kala's wedding," she tells him leaning over him. "Look at you so smart in your suit," she adds grinning up at him.

Chin abandons his photo of Malia and goes to look at Kono's photo. Kono looks so young in a blue frilly dress, standing right beside him with a wide smile. And the woman who must be Kala hanging off Kono in a long white dress and hair done up in a big fancy bun.

"I don't remember them," he admits.

"Well there's my parents," says Kono pointing out an older couple on the top left, and Chin remembers an earlier flash. "I saw her," he says referring to her mom. "She had a faraway look."

"She had a stroke a few years ago," says Kono.

She moves on quickly before Chin can say anything and points to the man beside her father, "Your father," she says. "He was killed shortly after this, convenience store robbery. And there's Sid, before he disappeared to go undercover with the Samoans. And that's our Uncle Keako, and Aunt Mele. She got very sick a while ago, died of kidney failure."

"He stole money," says Chin frowning at Keako, and he can't really remember why or from where. "I took the fall for him."

"Yes," is all Kono says.

Chin frowns more from frustration at his own memories than the actual event.

"I always loved this photo," Kono continues. "So much happened after this, but here we were all so happy."

Chin looks at himself in the photo, eyes smiling, and thinks he likes this photo a lot too.

When Steve walks into Chin's office a few minutes later, his brain makes another connection. "It was you, you gave me a job even though everyone thought I was a thief," he says.

Steve blinks startled. "Yeah." He says it like it's nothing, and not like he pretty much saved Chin's life.

"You trusted me, on just my word," says Chin, "What were you thinking?"

Steve just shrugs and gives Chin sort of a mean smile, "Seemed like a good idea at the time."

"I can't even begin to tell you how much this means to me," says Chin.

Steve's expression softens and Chin thinks he looks touched, "Any debt to me, you've already repaid ten fold," he says firmly. "Don't worry about it."

*

"You're being pretty quiet," says Jerry when they get outside. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah," says Chin, except it's not quite true. He has all these faces and events running through his head, half formed almost ghosts that he just can't grasp.

"I think maybe we overdid it," says Jerry, taking Chin's arm and offering some support. "Come on, Dude, let's go home and get some rest."

Chin just nods and leans gratefully on Jerry.

"So Jerry," says Danny, watching Chin curiously after the case is wrapped up, when it's just the two of them left in the office finishing up the paper work.

"Yeah, I know we're a bit of an odd pair," says Chin. And it's true, people who know Chin rarely expect him to have friends like Jerry and vice versa.

And he can tell he gets on Danny's nerves a bit, has noticed how Danny has been rolling his eyes and complaining about him the whole case, but Danny surprises him by saying "I like him."

"You do?"

"Yeah, he seems like he's pretty good for you," says Danny. And Chin thinks Danny might actually look relieved, like he's been worrying about him.

"He's a good friend" says Chin, like he still needs to defend him.

He watches Danny finish putting his stuff away and get ready to go. "That stuff about the black helicopters is batshit, though," he tells Chin on his way out.

"I'll make sure to mention that to him," says Chin unable to hold back a smile.

"See that you do."

*

Chin sleeps through that afternoon, his dreams flashes of various events, too short to put context to. And he sees himself kneeling in a public square with a bomb around his neck and people screaming. Sees himself wearing a captain's uniform and arresting Steve while Danny looks at him like he's betrayed them all. Feels the knife push into his gut in a prison with no idea how he ever got there.

When he wakes up, the room is hot and he's covered in cold sweat and his head feels so full it's about to burst.

He gets up and goes to look for Jerry.

Jerry's on his laptop on the couch when Chin comes downstairs but he closes it when he notices Chin coming.

"It's alright," says Chin. "You don't have to entertain me."

"Nah, it's cool. I was fixing up my resume, it was depressing."

"Aw, I'm sure it wasn't that bad," says Chin encouragingly.

Jerry just snorts, "Let's see if you still say that once your memory comes back," he says. But he's smiling and seems more than happy to just toss the laptop aside.

"How are you feeling? You hungry?"

"Nah, I'm good," says Chin, sitting down beside Jerry. "Just looking for a distraction."

"We could watch something," Jerry suddenly lights up, and heads over to Chin's shelf of DVD's, "Man, why didn't we think of this earlier? All the movies you love you get to watch again like it's the first time."

Chin looks slightly frightened but Jerry waves it off, "Trust me, Dude, you are going to love this."

It's pouring rain out when Chin knocks on the homely wooden door and an older woman answers and brightens when she sees who it is.

"Chin Ho Kelly, I haven't seen you in years," she says.

"Hello Auntie," says Chin, a bit awkwardly. "How've you been?"

"Good, good," she says moving out of the way and ushering Chin inside. "Come on, let's get you get out of this rain. You're soaked through."

She hands him a towel, which to Chin she seems to have conjured magically out of thin air, and passes it to him. "I suppose you're here to see Jerry?"

"Is he home?" asks Chin.

"Just downstairs," she says.

Chin nods and turns to go, just as she adds, "I heard about what happened to Malia. I'm sorry for your loss."

And something in Chin's chest constricts, but he manages to turn around and still smile politely even if he knows it doesn't reach his eyes, "Thank you."

Chin marvels at how the basement looks pretty much identical to how it did in high school, with the only exception being all the computer equipment that hadn't existed back then.

"Chin!" Jerry looks surprised to see him.

"I saw you at the funeral," says Chin, hands in his pocket, feeling a bit awkward for all the time that's passed since they've last seen each other. "I didn't have your number anymore, but I heard you were still living here, so I just came by." He deliberately doesn't mention using the 5-0 computer to run his drivers license to find him, and Jerry doesn't look suspicious, so Chin figures it's all good. "It's uh...it's been a while."

"Yeah," Jerry agrees. "Hey, you uh...you wanna stay awhile? I've got pop and cheezies. And I have the entire run of Next Generation downloaded."

They're two episodes in--"God, I forgot how shitty the first season of this is. Why did we like this so much in high school?" asks Jerry--when Jerry pulls out a bag of weed and Chin accepts the joint happily. After the week he's had, getting high sounds like the best idea he's ever heard. And it feels just like they're in high school again, baked and watching Jerry's taped VHS's.

"I think the later seasons are better, let's skip to the borg stuff," Chin suggests.

"No way, Dude, I'm not watching that high," says Jerry, "like I'm not paranoid enough. We can watch Data episodes."

They're four episodes in and high as a kite, when Chin suggests a drinking game, take a shot every time Picard pulls his shirt down and they giggle the rest of the episode every time he does it.

They're five in when Jerry asks casually, "So what are you doing these days?"

"Oh, I'm a cop," says Chin.

Jerry looks startled and then they both burst out laughing.

"Oh shit, how much trouble am I in for the weed?" Jerry asks.

"From what I saw, you could be facing a year in prison or a two thousand dollar fine," says Chin seriously.

Or at least he manages to hold his serious face for about two seconds before it breaks and he starts giggling again.

"Bet weed's legal in the Federation," says Jerry, pouting a bit.

"Well I think I can let it slide just this once," Chin reassures him.

Jerry throws a cheezie at him.

It's early the next morning and Chin realises he's fallen asleep on Jerry's couch and he has a blanket over him and the taste of burnt weed in his mouth. As he sits up and yawns he realises this the first time since it happened that he's slept without crying.

"Really, I liked this?" asks Chin as the credits rolled for the end of Star Wars.

"You didn't like it?"

Chin shrugs, "It was a bit campy," he admits.

"Oh jeez, maybe it was nostalgia," says Jerry. "We used to watch this all the time in high school. When you get your memory back, I promise, you're gonna love it."

"I'll take your word for it," says Chin skeptically.

"Next time maybe we should try Alien," Jerry decides putting the DVD away.

*

Chin is surprised when he actually finds McGarrett's house familiar and he wonders just how much time he's spent here.

Everyone is here, happy to unwind after a long week and Chin gets the feeling they do this a lot.

Chin chooses to sit back, taking a seat on the lanai and watching everyone from there. And he watches Grace and Samantha play with a frisbee while Danny keeps half an eye on them while also chatting with Steve and Lou at the barbecue. Jerry's gone to join Max and Charlie on the beach.

"How you doing?" Kono asks stealing the seat on the bench beside him.

"Getting a bit tired of that question, honestly," says Chin. But he smiles and makes room for her. "I don't know. I still feel like I'm 3 days old. And a lot of the memories I am getting back, I feel like I might be better off without."

Kono frowns. "Bad enough you had to live through some things once."

"What kind of person am I?" Chin asks. "You've known me the longest. Am I really what everyone says I am?"

"What is everyone saying you are?"

"That I'm better than I am," says Chin. "Everyone acts like they owe me something when I feel like I owe all of them. Like I'm a good person, but I remember things, things I wouldn't have done if I was a better person."

Kono is quiet for a little while, when she finally speaks she seems faraway. "When we were kids we found a dead squid on the beach. And you told me it was a baby and that there were giant ones that lived further out and ate little kids who swam out too far, and I was afraid to go into the water for a week until Dad found out and made you apologize and tell me you'd made it up."

Chin couldn't help grinning, "A whole week, huh?"

"Yeah, you said you'd just seen 20 thousand leagues under the sea. You went through a whole phase where you delighted in tormenting me. I think you thought it was funny because I always believed you. You're not so noble, Chin Ho."

"How old was I?"

"9? I was four or five because I was about to start school and you made up all these horrible things teachers like to do to children. You told me Mrs Palakiko ate children who misbehaved too much." She nudges him gently with her shoulder and smiles at him. "But my first day when I was too scared to go, you held my hand and walked me to my class, and didn't leave until I'd settled in and found someone else to play with. When it matters, you're always there for us. And that's why we're all so grateful to you."

"Except I almost let you drown," says Chin.

"I've been wondering when you were going to remember that."

"9:14 this morning. Jerry was telling me about how much it rained when we were at Manoa Valley Band Camp together."

Kono smirks, "I'm sorry, but that is kind of funny," she says when she notices Chin's shocked look. "Look," she says getting serious, "it was a no win situation, and you did what you could to try and save both of us. I'm OK. Everything about that night was awful enough without you carrying guilt around for that too."

"We've had this conversation before, haven't we?" asks Chin.

"A few times now," says Kono.

"Smartass," Chin comments, but he's feeling better.

"Yeah, well I learned from the best," says Kono grinning.

Kono stays with him a little while longer until Grace asks her to go swimming with her, and Chin takes the opportunity to get up and wander around.

He slips into the house and is struck by how familiar it all is. "Jack," he realises, and it's all the same furniture and the same layout as it had been when Jack had lived here. And he wonders if he should be a bit worried about Steve.

The thought is familiar and he thinks he's had it before.

He walks to the study, knowing where it is without having to look for it, and feeling a bit guilty, but he'd known Jack too. Was mentored by him, even if he only remembers him in brief flashes and feelings he can't attach anything concrete to at the moment. And it's not like he's going to snoop or anything. He just wants to look at the room.

And even without Steve having told him, Chin recognizes this room has been redone. And he thinks he must have spent a lot of long afternoons in here with Jack because the place feels so relaxed.

His eyes move down to the carpet Steve told him was covering up the blood stain and Chin is morbidly tempted to lift it up and see if it's there when he hears Steve's voice behind him.

"Hey, what are you doing here?"

Chin jumps startled and turns around to Steve frowning at him.

"Sorry I--I'm not really sure," he blinks and realises he doesn't really know what drew him here. And he feel like he's invading Steve's privacy, but Steve waves him off.

"It's alright, you don't have anything to apologize for," says Steve. "I just wasn't expecting to find you here."

"I was thinking about Jack," Chin admits. He sits down in the office chair, and it's stiff and firm like it's never been sat in before. "I can almost see him when I'm here, even after the changes you made. We spent a lot of time in this office, for a long time Jack was the only person I felt like I could really talk to. He was a lot like you, he'd listen without judging, and willing to help you work out whatever was going on without trying to solve it for you."

Steve has an odd look on his face and he moves into the office and leans against the window on the other side of the desk. All he says is "Yeah?"

"Though usually he went on about you and Mary. He was so dammed proud of you both, I never got why he never told you. I guess we both confided in each other."

"I think you were closer to him than I was," says Steve. And Chin looks at him, afraid he might be bitter, but he doesn't look it. Maybe a bit hurt?

Chin wants to say that things are different now, because now he has Steve and Danny and Kono and Jerry. Except it doesn't feel right for some reason.

"The other day when we were talking about Malia and you talked about Jack, we'd never talked about that before, had we?"

"No," says Steve.

"I get the feeling I don't talk about much."

"You're not the most touchy-feely guy I know, if that's what you're getting at," offers Steve. He shrugs, "I guess I'm not either."

Jack wasn't either. "I wonder what guarding ourselves has ever gotten us?" Chin wonders aloud. Then, and maybe it's the room, the fact that this is Jack's son he's talking to or maybe it's the fact he can almost feel like he's back there with Jack, trying to work out whatever issue of the day, but the next he says is, "I think I'm in love with Jerry. I think maybe I have been for a while now."

Steve reaction doesn't disappoint and Chin watches him start to cough.

"Just so we're clear," he says when he's recovered a bit, "you're referring to the Jerry who is currently outside building an illegal bonfire on my beach?"

"Is that a problem?" asks Chin. Wondering if the surprise was that Jerry was male or that it was Jerry, but ready to defend him anyways.

"No," says Steve quickly. "I just--I didn't realise you were into--"

Chin raises an eyebrow.

"--French horn players," Steve finishes lamely.

And it's so dumb Chin can't help laughing.

"Yeah," confirms Chin. "Sometimes I go for French horn players."

Steve leans back again, more relaxed again. "So are you gonna tell him then?"

"I don't really think I'm in a good place to make decisions like that," says Chin seriously.

"Think you'll be less afraid later?"

"Hey, this isn't about fear," says Chin defensively.

"You sure?" asks Steve. "Because I've been there, remember? And I know better than anyone how easy it is to play it safe and keep people out for their own protection. And all I've got to show for it is a sister who's got her life set up all the way in California now and an ugly scar from being shanked in prison."

Chin blinks confused, what Steve said is vaguely familiar but he can't seem to put actual events to it. Steve seems to notice because he shakes his head and says, "My point is, you don't get anywhere by playing it safe. You deserve to be happy. Malia would want you to be happy."

"And what if something happens to Jerry?" asks Chin.

"Something could happen to Jerry anyways, there's always a risk," Steve counters, "He helps us out enough. But what if something happened and you never got the chance to tell him how you feel? Is that the risk you want to take? You can't control everything. You gotta learn to let go."

Chin watches Steve for a long moment. "Am I remembering wrong or do you still insist on driving Danny's Camaro whenever you're together?"

Steve looks suddenly interested in the far wall. "Yeah, well, do what I say, not what I do," he says sheepishly.

Steve makes an excuse shortly after that about needing to go check on his guests, though Chin suspects now that he's said his peace, he's just happy to finally get out of the study.

"Just for the record," says Steve before he leaves, "I don't have any issues with french horn players."

"I know, Steve, don't worry," says Chin with a fond eye roll.

Somewhere another lifetime ago, Chin can hear Jack McGarrett in this very office telling Chin, "Love is love."

*

When Chin wakes up the next morning, the fog in his head is gone and he feels like himself again for the first time since the accident.

He's up before Jerry, and moves through his kitchen with ease, pulling out the pans and ingredients with ease. Enjoying the feeling of knowing his own kitchen, remembering vaguely as he opens the drawer to pull out the spatula him and Malia discussing which drawer should be silverware and which should be for larger utensils.

All his memories of Malia seemed to be settled right where they should be, and Chin thinks it feels good to have her back.

Jerry walks in while Chin's just finishing and Chin brightens up at the sight of Jerry yawning in the doorway and rubbing one of his eyes, long hair still going every which way from sleep.

"Wow that smells good," he says looking over the stove and seeing bacon, eggs, pancakes and hash brown. "You're really going all out."

"Hey, Jer, you want to set the table?"

Jerry moves to the cupboards and starts pulling out plates. "I take it you're feeling better?"

Chin grins. "Never better," he says flipping the pancake in the pan and putting it on top of all the others.

"That's great," says Jerry, and it's only because Chin's known him for years that he catches that tinge of disappointment in Jerry's voice.

"Everything alright?" he asks.

"Yeah! I mean, of course it is," says Jerry a bit too quickly. "You got your memories back, how could that be anything but excellent? Oh God, do you still hate Star Wars? Did I ruin that for you?" asks Jerry suddenly looking panicked.

Chin blinks. "I still like Star Wars, Jer," he reassures him. Thinking back he can't understand why his amnesiac self didn't.

Jerry looks visibly relieved. "Great, so everything's fine then."

"Jerry," Chin warns. "Seriously, tell me."

"It's dumb," says Jerry, but Chin waits him out. "I really am glad you got all your memories back, I am. Just, I dunno, I liked being the one looking out for you for once. See? It's selfish too."

"Jerry what are you talking about? Of course you look out for me," says Chin finishing off the pancakes, and starting to help Jerry carry the rest of the food to the table.

"Yeah, sure, when you're all concussed and you don't even know what Star Wars is," says Jerry. "But now you're back to being all superman with the muscles and the guns."

"The muscles and the guns?" asks Chin raising an eyebrow, amused. Because Chin's never thought of himself like that. Mostly he feels like he's still that nerdy kid at his first day of band camp, shy and out of place. The disgraced cop. The widower who never learned how to move on after his wife's death. And it's the realisation of how often Jerry's been there for him during hard times that solidifies his decision for him.

"Jerry, do you want to go out with me?" Chin asks it casually, while taking some toast out of the toaster, even though his heart is pounding hard in his chest. When Jerry doesn't answer, he keeps going, "If you're interested, that is. I mean, if it's awkward with you living here, I know Kono has a room she wouldn't mind--"

He hears a clatter and turns around to see Jerry's dropped the entire bowl of hash browns all over the floor.

"Oh shit," says Jerry suddenly coming back to life and bending down like he's going to clean up all the hash browns and broken pieces of ceramic by hand. "I'm sorry, you were talking and I guess I wasn't paying attention and--"

"Jer, it's OK," says Chin, quickly grabbing a hand held broom and dustpan and kneeling down beside Jerry about the same moment Jerry realises he needs more than just his hands and he gets up as Chin is crouching down and the back of Jerry's head collides right with Chin's nose.

"Motherfucker," says Chin leaning back against the counter, clutching his nose, but he doesn't think it's broken at least.

"Oh God," says Jerry. "Are you OK? Did I rattle your brain? Who's the president? Do you know your name?"

"It's alright, Jer. You just banged my nose," says Chin, letting Jerry remove one of his hands to show there's nothing really wrong. It's not even bleeding.

"Sorry anyways," says Jerry cringing. And he smiles a bit sheepishly, "I guess I'm not used to people asking me out. I mean, assuming you still want--"

"Is that a yes?" asks Chin interrupting. Looking hopeful. He's very aware of the fact that Jerry is right on top of him, finger gently touching the bridge of his nose, as if he could somehow feel if there was an injury. And Jerry apparently notices it too, and straightens up looking startled until he reads the expression on Chin's face.

Then Jerry leans down and kisses him. Chin had been planning on wining and dining him first because he has a pretty good idea how skittish Jerry can be sometimes, but he's not about to complain that all it actually took was a banged nose and a bowl of hash browns. And Chin opens up and his thoughts dissolve into the kiss.

"Though you know, it's partly your own fault," says Jerry helping Chin sweep up the mess on the kitchen floor later that morning. "Just coming out saying stuff like that with no lead up and what do you expect? Like I'm--"

"Jer," Chin interrupts, dropping the plate of now cold pancakes into the garbage. "You're babbling."

"Sorry."

Chin grins, "Don't be sorry."

"Well, can I be sorry I ruined the breakfast you made?" asks Jerry.

"I think we did that together," points out Chin, and he honestly can't understand why Jerry is being so apologetic when he's over the moon. "Tell you what, how about we go to that diner you like for a first date? My treat."

*

It's a cool day, especially for Oahu, and Chin can feel a small bite in the heavy wind as he walks up through the graveyard and sets a bouquet of lilies down in front of a small tombstone.

He takes a moment to dust off the tombstone, pick up any nearby debris and when he's satisfied he sits down beside her.

For a long while, Chin just sits in silence, hands admiring the lilies.

"I just wanted to thank you. For everything. You weren't in my life long enough, but I'll always be grateful for the time we had."

And with a promise to see her again soon, Chin stands up. And as he walks away he doesn't feel her presence follow him back and for the first time he feels like maybe that's OK.