Chapter Text
It started with one petal.
A small insignificant petal. Yellow in color, too bright in contrast against the dark blood that speckled it.
Lisa cradled it in her hand for a moment, the itch in her throat releasing its hold. She could breathe again and yet why did it feel like the air wasn't thick enough?
She dropped the petal to the ground, squishing it with a heel as she walked away. She had no time for this.
“Lisa!”
Lisa turned away from her herb picking to smile at Amber, who was waving energetically at the witch. Seeing the young outrider out of the city at this time was normal, what wasn’t was her two companions.
“Hey, Amber.”
“Why hello, Lisa, you seem to be forgetting the Outrider’s fantastic, amazing, and suave, traveling companions,” Kaeya said, a twinkle in his blue eye.
Their last companion, Eula, just nodded politely to Lisa, remaining silent. Lisa had to question why she was traveling with Amber and the Calvary Captain at all. Amber and Kaeya, sure, but Eula too? Perhaps they were on a patrol together?
Lisa tilted her head to the side and looked between Amber, Kaeya, and Eula, feigning confusion, “I only see one of such associates, and she is much prettier than you.”
Amber giggled, and Lisa could see Eula fighting back a small twitch of a smile. She’d count that as a win.
Kaeya drew in a loud gasp, his eye widening comedically, as a hand flew up to brace dramatically against his chest, above his heart, “My my! You certainly know the words to bruise a man’s ego! You better watch out or I’ll be seriously hurt!” Kaeya then leaned forward, clasping his hands in front of him, “Now… What are you even doing out here at this time of day? Isn’t this prime nap time for you?”
“Ah, how pleasant of you to remember that, Kaeya! Perhaps there’s some charisma you possess afterall! Now, as much as I enjoy my naps, I was kicked out of my library by Jean insisting I should get at least some time outside today,” She let out a dramatic sigh, her hands resting on her hips, a wicker basket filled with berries and herbs hanging off one elbow, “That woman cannot take any of her own advice, can she.”
Kaeya grinned slyly, shaking a finger at Lisa, his other hand on his hip, “Now now, Lisa, that’s no way to speak about the Acting Grand Master! Even if it may be the truth.”
“Careful, she may hear you all the way out here,” Lisa said.
“How so? It’s only us here!” Kaeya raised his eyebrow, “Unless you were planning on tattling on me, Lisa.”
“Oh I would never! But even my dear Jean has her spies,” Lisa’s eyes flickered over to Amber and Eula.
Amber pressed a finger to her lips, winking and throwing one arm around Eula to pull her close, “Shh, no one is supposed to know that, Lisa!”
“My bad, my bad. You must forgive me, Darling,” Lisa said, her gaze flicking to settle on Eula, “But perhaps there will be no time to forgive me at all, for our dear Spindrift Knight seems like she may report Kaeya and I to our Acting Grand Master.”
“Vengeance will be mine,” Eula muttered darkly, glaring at everyone, though there was a tinge of humor in her eyes.
Lisa laughed behind her hand, “Nothing less is expected of you, Dear. Now then, I really must return to gathering my supplies. Flowers don’t always wait for everyone!”
Amber and Eula nodded and Kaeya quickly took the chance to wave them ahead, promising to catch up later.
“Oh, did you want to speak about something, Captain~?” Lisa’s head tilted to the side slightly in genuine curiosity, though her smile and the teasing lilt to her voice never left.
“Do you think Jean is doing alright?” Kaeya immediately asked, his own smile dropping for a more serious look.
Lisa paused for a moment. The woman was overworking herself… but Lisa was sure if she took the time to make Jean have tea or a meal with her here and there like usual then the woman should be alright physically. Mentally on the other hand…
She decided to drop her smile, as well as her usual sugar coated words, in favor of something more flat, “I’m not sure. I should be able to keep her healthy if I keep an eye on her...”
The man let out a small breath of relief, his shoulders slightly relaxing, “That’s all I need, Lisa.” He watched her for a moment. Something about his diamond shaped pupil so keenly focusing on her was unnerving. Lisa had to focus on not fidgeting with the basket in her hands.
“Are you doing okay?” Kaeya finally asked.
The brunette woman paused, “...Yes.”
Immediately, there was an itch in her throat, clawing upwards and bursting out of her mouth as a cough. She covered it with a hand, her other hand holding a finger up to Kaeya, asking to give her a moment.
He didn’t say a word, simply watching as she took in gasping breaths.
After she could finally breathe again, she straightened up, “Sorry… I think I’m catching a bit of a cold.”
Kaeya nodded slowly, his eye still focused on her, “You should rest then.”
The witch lifted a hand to her mouth while giggling, hiding a teasing smile between her fingers, “Aw~ Thanks for the concern, Darling~ But I’ll be alright.”
“You’d tell me if something was wrong, wouldn’t you?”
“Yes.”
No.
“Can I return to my gathering now?” Lisa kept her tone airy, bouncy in a way, not resting too heavily on any word, “Or do you want to keep having a moment~? ”
“You wish.”
“Then take my leave, I shall,” the Librarian gave him a mock curtsey, which he returned with a bow, then she turned and strode away.
The Cavalry Captain leaned down to scoop up a red and yellow petal off the ground, his singular good eye narrowing. Lisa pretended not to notice.
The itch returned.
She knew what it was. She's known about this disease since her time in the Akademiya, when she had spent nights at a time researching it for a paper.
It didn't necessarily need to be about love.
It didn't have anything to do with love at all for her.
Not in the slightest.
Another itch in her throat. Another cough shaking her entire body, not relenting until her ribs were sore and her lungs were burning for air.
It didn't. Love. Wasn’t. A. Thing. Not for her.
Never again.
Everytime she passed by Jean's office, she debated telling her. The hardworking woman was her closest friend, she would certainly care, right? They could spend time talking, figuring out the reason behind this together. Figuring out how to stop it so the Librarian could spend a little more time with the blonde later in life. Help support her when she had no one else. Help her laugh and smile and enjoy what she should have had years ago.
But Jean was always so busy… She had piles of paperwork on her desk at all times, citizens approaching her with their problems in the streets, barely a waking moment that wasn’t spent working.
Lisa didn't want to be the feather on the stack of boulders that finally caused Jean to tip.
She'd keep it a secret for now. Just for a bit longer. Until Jean finally took a break long enough to actually help her be less stressed.
Jean didn’t have to know.
Immediately, Lisa doubled over in a cough halfway down the hallway to her library, just a few steps away from Jean’s office. She tried swallowing hard to keep flowers from rising up out of her throat. It burned. Tears pricked at her eyes.
"Lisa! Here, drink this!" A cup was shoved into her hands, and Lisa downed the cold water, relieved as the scratching faded. A tightness remained in her chest, a consistency that had been for days.
Noelle took the cup back when Lisa was done, a concerned knit of her brows and a worried look in her eyes told Lisa everything she needed to know.
The Librarian pushed the heavy feelings away, ignoring the itch that followed, smiling, "Thank you, Noelle."
"Are you okay?" Noelle asked, her voice was soft, open. Inviting-
No. Lisa could never tell her any of it. Not about Jean. Not about the Akademiya. Not about this weight, this curse, she carried.
She pushed it all back down and let her smile seem more genuine, light and airy, and almost teasing on her lips like her usual ones.
"I'm fine-" She was cut off by another coughing fit. This one persisted for longer, her chest tightening, flowers clawing their way back up her throat, a tight burning following. Lisa dropped to her knees, clutching her chest and covering her mouth with a hand, hoping-- praying --none of the petals would escape past her fingers.
After a moment, she managed to choke them back down, blinking back to reality to find gentle hands rubbing comforting circles on her back. Looking up, she met bright blue eyes, the usual twinkle drowning with concern.
“Hi,” Jean said. She was smiling, but it didn’t reach her eyes. This wasn’t the smile Lisa loved to see on her… This… This was different, and it was caused by her .
This is why Jean couldn’t know.
“Hey,” Lisa replied, taking Jean’s offered hand and allowing the Knight to help her to her feet, “Sorry, I think I’m catching a cold.”
The lie slipped easily past her lips. Just like every other lie she had told. A constant stage Lisa was forced to perform on. She was a puppet, and her master was her own words, dripping off her tongue like the petals she would cough afterwards.
Jean gave her the rest of the day off.
Lisa spent it alone.
It was the day after Noelle had helped her out that she finally spit out her first full flower. Everyone had been worried throughout the day, asking her how she was when they passed her in the hall or her library.
It was understandable, but not any less annoying.
The lies didn’t come out as easily today, and by the time she was finally alone, she couldn’t choke back the flowers that came in their stead.
Yellow and red.
Swirling together so beautifully, so dangerously. A combination that clashed yet complimented each other so well. How something could be so pretty yet so suffocating at the same time was something Lisa would have to look into further.
Dandelions. Lisa knew they were Jean’s signature flower, the Knight always having the strange ability to pull a mature one out of nowhere, still perfectly intact, but still… What an ironic ending to the story.
Maybe she could try harder to write the ending she wanted?
No… Jean would never feel the same way. Lisa would be rejected again . It would be an endless loop of what she existed through during her stay in the Akademiya. She would be trapped .
She would only hurt Jean in the end anyway.
Lisa clenched the dandelion in her hand. She stared at it for a moment before letting it drop limply into the wastebasket at her desk, walking away.
Hope and healing, hm?
She wasn’t even sure she had the ability for either anymore.
“Lisa smell different today,” Razor said, his keen eyes focused on the Librarian as she was jolted out of her thoughts.
Of course the boy that could smell emotions would be able to tell something was off. A mistake on her part. She must try harder to not make those in the future.
“Oh, Little Wolf~” Lisa giggled, tapping the papers in front of Razor, “Don’t try to distract yourself from your studies!”
Razor’s frown cemented, his eyebrows furrowing, “But I’m not… distract. Lisa really do smell different.”
Lisa let out a soft hum in reply, focusing her hands and eyes on organizing the papers in front of her, “Mm, how so?”
“Less like rose, paper, and sparks. More bitter.”
Razor’s hand came into Lisa’s view as he pushed his studies closer to the woman. “I not understand.”
“Understand what, Little Wolf?” The Librarian leaned closer to the papers, her head resting lightly on her palm as her eyes scanned them to see if there was anything noticeable she could help with.
“Not understand why Lisa lying.”
Lisa froze. She glanced quickly up at Razor, whose ruby eyes were still trained on her. They were unyielding, not even blinking. Strangely, it reminded her of how Kaeya had looked at her all those weeks ago.
She let out a small laugh, “I’m not, Little Wolf. I promise.”
His eyes narrowed, appraising her for a second, his lips pursing thoughtfully. Not wanting to interrupt him, Lisa waited, meeting his eye contact with a level stare of her own.
“Okay. I believe you.”
“Shall we get back to our studies then? You did push these towards me for a reason, correct?”
Razor blinked at the papers for a few seconds before giving a curt nod, “Pushed over because done.”
“You’re done for today?” One of Lisa’s eyebrows raised.
Another nod, “I want spend rest of time with Lisa.”
Wanted to what? Spend time with her? Why would he- she was only a useless woman who spent too much time thinking about things that could be instead of trying to make them a reality.
She should still be trying. Even if there was no point in making her cage any prettier when Lisa was already trapped. The flowers in her chest, an ever present weight, was just a physical sign of that. Though, she had been trapped ever since she dared to ask the Gods for more than they were willing to give.
Everything had a price. She just didn’t realize this was the one of love.
Or maybe it wasn't.
Maybe it was the price of all her lies finally catching up to her.
“Lisa? Is okay?”
Lisa blinked, smiling at Razor, “Yes, I’m fine-” A itch rose in her throat. “-with you staying as long as you want to spend time with me!” The itch vanished. Lisa swallowed, making sure it was actually gone for the time being.
Arms quickly wrapped around Lisa, and it took a moment for her to realize Razor had literally leapt over the table to hug her. A genuine laugh bubbled up from her throat, much more pleasant than the flowers she would struggle to breathe through, and she wrapped her arms around the boy, smiling down at him.
“I care bout Lisa,” Razor mumbled into her shoulder.
“Now what’s brought this on, Little Wolf?” Lisa said, running a hand through his hair and letting a small hum out when she found a snarl to busy herself untangeling.
Razor shifted closer to her, his arms tightening a bit further around her, “Just want Lisa to know.”
“I care about you too, Razor.”
The pressure in her chest lessened.
The day was cloudier than the others that week, light and cold winds bringing news of an early fall. The farmers of Mondstadt wouldn’t be happy, and neither much was Lisa. Fall meant pumpkins.
She sighed, sliding another book back onto its proper shelf.
However, Fall also meant more festivals to enjoy with friends. She could probably invite Jean, Amber, Kaeya, and perhaps even Eula over for a small party for one of the holidays. Maybe even Diluc or Albedo? Hm… It would be an interesting group for sure, but it would be nice to spend time with all of them outside of the work setting. Though, it might be a bit of a difficult night to handle if Lisa is left alone with Jean again like last time the group had met up together.
Sometimes she swore that Kaeya was trying to get the two women together. Yet, he couldn’t be. No one knew what Lisa thought about Jean…
Unless she was more obvious about her feelings than she thought?
Idly, Lisa wondered when her admiration for the knight had turned into a full blown crush at all. Perhaps it was when the woman had first welcomed her into Mondstadt, immediately taking the witch’s breath away with her beauty and grace… Though that seems far too long ago for the disease only to be setting in now.
Maybe it was after Lisa had spent so long seeing how caring the woman was to Mondstadt. How charismatic she was. How beautiful she was in any setting or outfit. How her laugh was like the sunshine in Lisa’s days, constantly covered in clouds, but occasionally coaxed out for a brief moment. How dorky and awkward she could be at times. And her smiles… Lisa always felt like she won when she got Jean to smile genuinely.
Strange. There was no itch in the back of Lisa’s throat. No telltale signs of another barrage of petals paying a visit…
Maybe she could make this work? She could just keep all of these feelings and thoughts a secret from Jean and-
The itch in her throat resurfaced, and Lisa swallowed it back, trying to focus her attention back on the book before her.
Why wouldn’t this just leave her alone?! She was already a dying woman. She had been for years! Why did Celestia have the need to only cause further suffering for her?
What had Lisa done to deserve all of this?
Was her asking a simple question enough to warrant a shorter lifespan? To warrant the fear of growing close to people just to be taken from them? To warrant the persistent petals being a painful detector to remind her of everytime she edged around the truth about herself?
She- she needed someone to lean on. She needed someone to actually listen. To care.
But the library was empty, silent.
Lisa was alone.
This is what she wanted, right? To be left alone to die in peace? To not let anyone see her as the burden she truly was? To not have to deal with their pity and the hurt that would eventually follow?
She wanted this.
A sharp pain followed the thought, burning into her throat. Lisa let out soft gasp, nearly dropping her books as she quickly shifted to press a hand to her mouth. She hurried to a table, setting the books down on it before raising her hand and teleporting herself to somewhere more private. Somewhere she could choke up the next barrage of flowers without the fear of anyone seeing and finding out everything.
She didn’t notice the tall blonde that had entered the library, two cups of tea in hand. Or the confused look following when she noticed a red speckled petal laying on a table next to an abandoned stack of books.
Lisa took a few days off under the guise of her cold returning. She needed time to… try to gather her thoughts.
Not that she felt great for taking the days off. She didn’t have the time to waste on herself, now, did she? She hadn’t ever since she was cursed.
She should spend her time in the library, helping people to find a world they can escape to. Helping them learn and grow and smile and laugh. She should be offering people the place she needed. A place where they could just be themselves without that fear .
But if Lisa was going to take a few days off… then spending a few days throwing herself into books she had set aside to read a long time ago, staying up way too late, and ignoring everything outside of her house was her plan. Unfortunately, plans tend to change.
Lisa was halfway through her book on the second day when there was a knock on her door. She stared at it for a moment, idly thinking over the option of just ignoring whoever was probably going to cause the pressure to worsen, the grip on her throat to tighten, when a voice she very much recognized called out.
“Lisa? Are you up?...I brought you some stew…”
Practically jumping from the couch, Lisa rushed to the door, throwing it open and shoving herself into Jean’s arms. Jean tensed for a moment, freezing, before slowly she relaxed, bringing the hand that wasn’t carrying a bag down to gently pat Lisa on her shoulder.
Lisa missed her sweet, bumbling, Jean.
“Thanks…” the witch mumbled into the crook of Jean’s neck, breathing in deeply and trying to remember the comforting scent she basically had memorized at this point.
…But she couldn’t smell anything past the bitter-sweet dandelions that seemed to be swallowing her whole life. Celestia above had to take everything from her. Even a silly little scent that she seemed to care so much for.
A small sob escaped Lisa’s lips, and she buried her face further into Jean’s neck, hoping the other woman hadn’t noticed.
Unfortunately, she did.
“Heyhey, Lisa- are you okay?” Jean gently wrapped her arm around Lisa, rubbing a circle on her back.
No.
Lisa didn’t reply.
“...Do….” Jean trailed off, an unsure note in her voice. She cleared her throat, “Do you want to sit on the couch and talk about this?”
Shaking her head, Lisa let out another choked sob, the pressure in her chest growing. A few tears dripped down her cheeks, soaking into Jean’s collar.
“....Do you want me to leave?”
Her head shakes grew more frantic and Lisa gripped Jean tighter, trying to get closer to the other woman. Jean couldn’t leave- she wouldn’t leave her, right?! Jean wasn’t like them .
Jean actually cared, right?!
No, what was Lisa saying. This is exactly why she didn’t want to tell her anything. Jean wouldn’t understand. She wouldn’t care anymore. She probably already doesn’t care. She’s just being friendly to Lisa because it’s just a part of her personality. The knight has always been so generous,
Jean probably didn’t even want to be here. She wanted to go. She didn’t want to stay anywhere near Lisa and her stupid lying-
“-isa? Lisa, are you listening?” Jean’s voice was soft, comforting. It wasn’t the authority commanding voice she had as the Acting Grand Master. It was the… the tone that was so utterly Jean.
Lisa gave a small nod, trying to focus on Jean’s heartbeat. The rise and fall of her chest and shoulders against Lisa’s face. Anything but the sharp feeling that was crawling up her throat, building at the back of her mouth.
The blue-eyed woman tentatively ran a hand through Lisa’s hair, doing it again when Lisa seemed to melt under the touch, “I’m not leaving, okay? Do you want to move to the couch?”
Sniffing slightly, Lisa nodded.
Jean immediately moved forward, keeping Lisa tucked into her side while she kicked the door closed and set the bag on the table. She led Lisa to the couch, gently sitting her down before taking a seat next to her.
Wasting no time, Lisa hugged Jean again, tucking herself back into the woman’s side, away from the world. She was safe here.
It wasn’t a moment later before Lisa was sobbing into Jean’s shoulder again, the other woman wrapping her tightly in a hug and doing her best to comfort her. The Knight wasn’t the best with emotions, but she was doing her best. She rubbed circles on Lisa’s back. Her gentle mumbles filled Lisa’s ears.
Would Lisa lose the ability to hear soon? If her complete sense of smell was gone then… it was possible, right?
…She didn’t want that to happen.
Lisa wanted to tell her. She wanted to tell Jean everything. Tell her everything before she loses it all as quickly as the sand trickling through her hourglass. But the words got stuck in her throat, lost on her tongue. Lies could slip past so easily, (sand at the bottom of the glass, continuing to pile up towards her end), yet her lips barred the truth.
She echoed the words she would say, the confessions she would make. They rattled through her head. Louder and louder like thunder, repeats of all the same phrases. Word by word she knew what she would say.
But the world didn’t hear anything but soft cries and the gentle murmurs of someone trying to comfort the person they cared for.
It took a while, but eventually, Lisa managed to pull herself from the pressure in her chest and the cotton muffled thoughts in her head. She sat back up.
The brunette and the blonde stared at each other for a moment. Lisa was unable to tell what Jean was thinking, her expression was unreadable.
…But she was sure that Jean didn’t know how to deal with the fact she just saw Lisa so disorganized.
“...You said you brought soup?” Lisa finally said. An olive branch to not speak about what had just happened.
Jean nodded, “Yes, Radish Veggie Soup.”
“Right. Thank you.”
Jean had remembered her favorite food. A warmth filled Lisa’s chest, causing a smile to break out across her face. She quickly stood, suddenly feeling hungry, heading to the counter.
A hand around her wrist stopped her, pulling Lisa back gently so she would look at Jean.
“Let me,” Jean said.
The librarian nodded mutely, not having the energy to make a teasing remark. She took a seat back on the couch as her guest busied herself with rewarming the now room temperature soup. And as if knowing exactly what Lisa needed, Jean continued chatting while doing so.
Not about anything overly important. Just about her day. Her morning run with Amber. The chaos that Klee and the teenagers had gotten into throughout the day. Apparently Jean had even had to stop Klee from convincing Diona to just burn the whole winery down.
Lisa found herself kept out of her thoughts by the Knight’s words. She couldn’t help but listen to Jean’s soft voice. It was so captivating. So beautiful.
Sooner than later, Jean and Lisa were curled back up on the couch, sipping stew together while chatting, Lisa actually beginning to reply more and more as time continued to slip on.
It was nice.
Lisa didn’t want to leave this.
Please. She didn’t want to be trapped anymore.
She wanted this.
Perhaps the Archons were feeling nice that night, as Jean continued to stay with Lisa even after they had both run out of things to talk about and resorted to just reading in comfortable silence.
And if Jean had fallen asleep and stayed the night on Lisa’s couch, and if Lisa had carefully tucked a blanket over her and kissed her on the forehead gently, then only Lisa and the blooming flowers inside her would know.
The disease was worse in the morning after Jean stayed over.
She thought she had a few months more at least, but everytime she started to even think about telling anyone anything, she would spiral into her thoughts and the symptoms would just get worse.
Another week passed in bright lies and dim suffering.
Red and yellow began to mix together.
It was getting worse than worse.
Proof of that point was very evident in how she kept almost choking up flowers in front of others. Anytime even a word was spoken in her direction asking about her she would just choke.
Especially when it was Jean asking her. Jean with those beautiful blue eyes and silky blonde hair. Jean with that genuine crooked smile she always tried to hide behind a straight, polite, one. Jean with her caring attitude and gentle approach. Jean with how she actually cared.
Lisa couldn’t even look at Jean without a flower trying to escape her lungs, stealing away whatever breath she had left after thinking about Jean at all.
She didn’t have much longer left.
It really was a shame. There was a lot she still wanted to do. A lot she wanted to accomplish. Nothing huge, for sure. Not like what anyone at the Akademiya would have wanted. But it was all what she wanted to do. Wishful nights spent with Jean. Spent with Razor and Klee. Spent with Amber and Kaeya.
Nights full of fun, and laughter, and unbridled joy and innocence that Lisa had seemed to lose to her own lies a long time ago.
Nights she could only experience in dreams.
A thousand wishes of an unborn dandelion were already wilting inside of her.
The disease was going to kill her.
She had admitted it to herself. Not that that was very hard. She was already dying, and was already aware of that fact. At least now she would die as a hopelessly in love woman, (though too scared to admit her feelings), instead of a useless naive one.
Because Jean was the wind, capable of brushing gently against your face and stealing your breath away all in the same moment.
And if Lisa had her way, she would let Jean rip it away from her all over again.