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Nick had a five step bedtime routine. It was always the same, never any interruptions, no confusion. That was how he liked it.
First, he changes into comfy clothes. This is the most vital step, hence why it is first.
Second and third go together, he has a two step skin care routine as insisted upon by Tara. He washes his face with actual face wash that smells of lavender and Tara, then applies a facial cream that says unscented, but if you focus it smells like the color blue.
Fourth step is to brush his teeth, and the fifth step is to get into bed.
Or, that’s how it would normally go.
Nick got all the way through to step three when his phone rang. It was Charlie. His hands were still soapy, so he rushed to dry them off before answering. He held the phone up to his still slippery face and answered. Nick would break any routine for Charlie.
The boys often called at night, though it was normally Nick that called Charlie, not the other way around. It was step six, of sorts. Talk to Charlie before falling asleep.
“Hello!” Nick said. He held the phone between his face and shoulder as he grabbed for the toothbrush, momentarily forgetting that his face was still slippery. The phone almost fell, but Nick caught it just in time. The issue is he managed to fling his toothbrush to the other side of the room. He could deal with it later.
“Did you just break something?” asked Charlie.
“I almost broke my phone, but sacrificed my toothbrush instead,” Nick explained. He hadn’t picked the toothbrush up yet, instead opting to sit on the bathmat to focus on Charlie.
“Ah, yes, a noble sacrifice,” Charlie laughed. Nick couldn’t help but notice he sounded a little stuffed up. Perhaps he was getting a cold. Nick sympathized with this, he too wanted to be as close to Charlie as possible when he wasn’t well.
“Are you doing okay, love?” He finally picked up his toothbrush and stood up to continue the process of brushing his teeth, this time smart enough to put Charlie on speakerphone before continuing.
Charlie laughed through his nose and hummed deep in his throat.
“Yeah…” he paused. Nick put toothpaste on his toothbrush.
“I’m just feeling a bit…” There was a longer pause.
“A bit what?” Nick said, speaking with a mouth full of toothpaste. He spit and went to put the brush back in his mouth when Charlie replied.
“Um. You remember our conversation? Where you asked me to tell you if I felt… like that?” Nick’s heart skyrocketed, making him dizzy from the sudden change.
“I kinda… ” Charlie started, but his voice fizzled out before he could finish.
Nick didn’t know what to say, so he said the first thing that came to mind. “Do you want me to… I mean, can I come over?”
“You don’t have to, I just…” Charlie sniffled. “Just talking to me is fine.”
Nick would’ve left right there and then, but if Charlie really didn’t want to see him…
“If I told you I was coming over, what would you say?” Nick said hesitantly. He didn’t want to cross any boundaries and it was kind of late…
Charlie started to cry, hard. Muffled sobs filled Nick’s head and he made his decision. Charlie needed him.
“I’m on my way, love. Hold on tight for me, okay?” Charlie took a shaky breath and whispered his thanks before hanging up the phone.
Toothbrush completely forgotten, he started putting on his shoes; not once did he consider he should probably put real clothes on. Nellie came up and bumped her nose into Nick’s back.
“Not now, Nellie,” Nick absentmindedly pushed her away. She, in turn, bumped her nose into Nick again.
“I can’t walk you right now, Nells, I have to go see Charlie.” She looked at him expectantly. He finished tying his shoes and sent Charlie some heart emojis. The message was read instantly, but there was no response. He needed to go. Nellie stood up with him and put her nose to the door, tail wagging slowly. She looked like she wanted to go with him…
A lightbulb went off in Nick’s head. He would bring Nellie along; there were very few things dog cuddles couldn’t fix. He briefly thought about what Charlie’s parents would think, but didn’t stick on that for very long. All he knew was that he had to get to Charlie as soon as he could. Who knows what might happen… what might have happened. Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, he blindly ran down the stairs, running straight into his Mum.
“Nicky!” Her tea spilled a bit, hitting Nellie square on the forehead. “Watch where you’re going my love, I sincerely doubt Nellie wants a bath today.” She laughed then seemed to scan Nick. Here was her son, pale as milk, hovering above her on the stairs.
“Is something the matter?” She set the tea down on the table at the bottom of the stairs, and reached up to touch his face, which was still slick with half-applied lotion.
Nick leaned away from her touch as he spoke. “It’s Charlie, I’ve got to…” He couldn’t finish the sentence. What did he need to do?
“He just, he needs me right now and I’m going over. And bringing Nellie.” She hopped up at the sound of her name and pranced to the front door. Nick’s Mum wasn’t as enthusiastic.
“It’s kind of late, isn’t it? Can’t it wait until morning?” Nick had to go, he couldn’t stand around convincing his Mum that everything was alright.
“No, it can’t. I’m afraid… He’s afraid…” He stuttered on the second afraid and decided that was reason enough. And it was. Sarah’s face went through a range of emotions until she landed on her usual soft expression.
“I see. Of course, go to him. Do you need anything? Does he need anything?”
Nick just shook his head. He really didn’t know anything. Could he even help? He shook his head again, this time harder in an attempt to clear his thoughts. Unfortunately for him, he wasn’t one of those childrens toys where you shook the picture and it went away. He was stuck with himself.
“Oh baby,” Sarah opened her arms and Nick fell into her. They stood at the bottom of the stairs for a moment and breathed. Nellie barked, short and sharp, which broke them out of their embrace.
“Let me give you a ride,” she moved to put her shoes on.
Nick would have protested, but he had already wasted so much time. He smiled grimly and went to put Nellie on her leash. He sent more heart emoji’s to Charlie. Still no response, but he could see the message had been read.
Three minutes later, they were on their way.
The sky was a deep blue and the moon was nearly full. The stars were starting to wake up, glowing distantly. It all looked so peaceful. They lived in a quiet neighborhood full of elderly people, so no one was ever out past eight. It was only 9:30, but it felt like the whole world was asleep. Almost as if they were completely alone, floating through space. They drove in silence, listening to each other breathe.
It wasn’t a long drive, but it felt like eons. Stars were born and died in the time that had elapsed since Nick and Charlie had talked. Nick regretted hanging up the phone earlier. He should have made it so Charlie didn’t stop talking to him. What if something happened in the 15 minutes that had elapsed? Nick continued sending heart emojis, but the messages were now going unread.
Dizzy with worry, he gripped Nellie’s leash and pressed his face into her soft fur. She smelled of tea and the raspberry shampoo he used when he bathed her. It was probably the most comforting scent in the world to Nick. Other than the smell of Charlie, of course. He breathed in and out, slowly, deeply, the whole ride there.
They arrived moments later; Charlie only lived down the block. The house was dark, but Nick caught sight of someone moving in the front room. Probably Tori, he thought, as he got out of the car. Nellie was wriggling around, she didn’t much care for car drives.
“Nicky?” Sarah put her hand on his arm before he could walk away. “I’m gonna sit outside for a moment, okay? Just in case…” she trailed off. Nick knew what she meant. “I love you,” she said, “tell Charlie that I love him too.” Nick nearly started crying right then and there, but instead he leaned over to kiss his Mum on the cheek before following Nellie toward the house.
At the front door, Nick paused. He didn’t want to ring the doorbell, for fear he would wake up Charlie’s parents. His phone buzzed in his pocket. It was a text from Tori, that simply said “door’s unlocked.” Though he didn’t feel entirely comfortable with just walking into the house, he took another deep breath and turned the knob as quietly as possible.
As predicted, the house was dark. Only Nellie’s skittering footsteps and the humming of the washing machine could be heard. To neither him nor Nellie’s surprise, Tori was sat on the couch with her computer and a glass of what Nick presumed to be diet lemonade. She pressed her lips together, but otherwise didn’t acknowledge him. He wondered if he should tell her about Charlie’s call, but didn’t want to worry her unless something was truly wrong.
What if something was truly wrong?
His heart dropped again and he walked as quickly as he could without making a sound. Charlie’s room was just at the top of the stairs to the right; Nellie knew exactly where she was going, so Nick followed along behind and tried to get his breathing under control
There was no light from underneath Charlie’s door. Nick’s heart was pounding. What if something had gone horribly wrong? What if Charlie had… done something? He couldn’t bear to think about what could’ve happened. He just needed to open the door. What was on the other side, whatever state Charlie was in, would be okay. Even if it wasn’t okay, he reasoned, his Mum was right outside and would know what to do if Charlie had…
He opened the door.
Nellie was the first one in. She strained against her leash, but Nick held it tight. He didn’t want her to spook Charlie by jumping on top of him.
Charlie’s room was dark. Even his MUSIC wall light was turned off. The only light in the room came from the street lamp outside. It illuminated Charlie’s bed. The bed was bare and all the blankets were in a heap on the floor. Charlie sat in the middle of the nest, head resting on his knees with his arms wrapped tightly around him. He didn’t look up when the door opened, but his breathing changed and his hands loosened.
Nellie must’ve noticed Charlie wasn’t well, because she calmed down right away. All the nervous excitement she had earlier had disappeared instantly upon entering the room. She took a step towards Charlie and looked back at Nick as if asking for permission to go to him. Nick bent down and unhooked her leash before walking further into the room himself. Nellie took several more cautious steps toward Charlie as if she was scoping out the area. She glanced back at Nick and then finally padded her way over to Charlie, bumping her head against his knees and gently licking one of his hands. Nick followed behind.
“Charlie…” he started, but didn’t know how to finish the sentence. What was he supposed to say? What was he supposed to do? What if he was too late and Charlie had hurt himself?
As Nick was spiraling, Nellie was carefully licking Charlie’s hands, which had come completely loose. He hadn’t yet looked up, but shifted to the side some to let Nellie get closer.
Nick took one more deep breath. Charlie was alive. The worst had not happened.
He came fully into the room and knelt by the blanket nest.
“May I come sit with you?” He didn’t want to overstep any boundaries, even though Nellie was currently licking his ears with a fervor. Dogs didn’t understand boundaries. Nellie most certainly did not. Charlie loved her though, and seemed to be enjoying the fact she was stepping over the prospect of boundaries.
Charlie didn’t look up, but he unwound one hand from Nellie’s fur and reached out to him. Nick took Charlie's hand and made his way into the blanket nest. Charlie’s hand shook and he didn’t hold on very tight. But he was there. He was alive. He was letting Nick see a part of him that no one knew about. Nick was suddenly filled with an intense yearning to be as close to Charlie as possible, to smash their bodies together in a way that made sense, to tie a knot that never came loose.
He couldn’t quite believe just how much he loved Charlie. There was no way he could ever explain to anyone the love he felt. It was so deep and so pure it scared him. Loving someone with your whole body is terrifying. Nick felt the pull in his spine, even the blood in his veins wanted to be close to Charlie. His lungs wanted to breathe Charlie in, his shoulders craved the weight of Charlie’s arms wrapped around them. And his heart. Oh, his heart. Everything felt out of rhythm, his heart beating erratically, but being around Charlie steadied him in a way he had never felt.
Being around Charlie made him feel like he was worth something. It made him feel like he was worth the space he took up. Loving Charlie made Nick love himself, he realized. He never thought such a thing was possible.
At first, Nick was sitting on top of all the blankets, but Charlie also seemed to be feeling the distance, so he shifted a bit and lifted up one edge of the largest blanket. Nellie followed right after.
Once everyone was under the blanket, Nick wrapped both arms around Charlie and placed his head on Charlie’s chest, so he could listen to his heartbeat for a moment.
It wasn’t steady by any means, but it was there. That beautiful sign of life. Charlie’s heartbeat was Nick’s favorite song.
Charlie shook uncontrollably, running his hands up and down Nick’s back. A few drops of water landed on Nick’s forehead and slid down his face. Anxious breathing and unsteady hands brought them even closer together until Nick didn’t know whether the tears running down his face were Charlie’s or his own.
“I love you so much,” Nick whispered. “I love you so much.” He repeated those five words until they meant nothing, and kept repeating them until they meant everything.
Together, they cried. It felt like days were passing. Flowers bloomed and died, brand new leaves grew golden and then fell like raindrops, clouds moved overhead revealing storms and rainbows, but they were still right there, clinging to each other.
Nick wouldn’t be surprised if a whole empire had risen and fallen during this moment.
Then, there was Nellie. She managed to turn herself around under the blankets so she had easy access to their faces. She licked Charlie first, gathering up all the tears still remaining on his skin, then turned to Nick to clean his face. Once satisfied with the state of their faces, she trampled them awkwardly for a moment before coming to rest with her head perfectly placed between them.
She truly was an angel.
The boys ran their fingers through her soft fur in the time it took for a tree to grow, Charlie’s head resting on Nick’s shoulder.
They could’ve stayed like that all night. They could’ve stayed until the sun collided with the earth, until a meteor landed directly above their heads. And they would have.
Nick needed to talk to Charlie. They couldn’t just pretend that they were both happy and carefree and Charlie didn’t want to hurt himself. Dozens of thoughts whirled around in Nick’s head and he was too overwhelmed to pick any one, let alone the right one. How do you broach this subject? How do you ask someone why they want to hurt themselves?
“What does it feel like?” Nick said. He hadn’t meant to say it, but his brain had claw machined only that from the pot of half formed thoughts floating in his head.
Charlie went rigid and Nick’s eyes filled with tears again, sure he had gotten it all wrong.
Then, Charlie began to speak.
“It’s like an itch that you know you’re not supposed to scratch,” he started. His voice wobbled and Nick knew these words were coming directly from the pit of Charlie’s being.
“Or more so than that, it feels like the cure,” he said, all in one breath, “The one thing that would make it all go away. But I know I’m not allowed it, and that makes the feeling worse.” Gasping a bit, he tried to straighten himself up. Nick, never once removing his arms from around Charlie, moved so they could lean up against Charlie’s bed. Once they were sat up, Charlie continued:
“It's addicting. And I don’t mean it in a ‘oh I can’t live without my coffee way,’ I mean it in a life or death way. I need that release or else…” he trailed off. Nick knew what he meant.
“And this sounds awful, but oh my god, Nick. It feels so good. It’s like removing the lid from a boiling pot of water before it can bubble over. It is so pure and simple.” Charlie had begun running his hands up and down his arms. Before he grew claws, Nick brought his own arms around and let them rest right on top of Charlie’s. His hands moved gently across Charlie’s upper arms. Charlie flinched at the touch and shut his eyes, but allowed Nick to leave his arms there.
They stayed still for one hundred years and then Charlie spoke again.
“I hate it,” he said, barely audible. “I hate it so much it feels like love.”
Charlie had never tried to explain it to anyone before. It wasn’t really something to explain. There wasn’t an excuse for why he loved it. There was nothing he could say that made it okay. There was no way to make this better.
Nick knew Charlie was done talking. He didn’t know what to say. So he said nothing at all and simply pulled Charlie even closer to his chest, so he could listen to his heartbeat. Charlie’s hair smelled like the cheapest shampoo at the corner shop. It was Nick’s favorite scent.
They rocked back and forth and breathed each other in until the world ended.
“Thank you for calling,” Nick whispered, “thank you for trusting me.” He kissed the top of Charlie’s head and brought one arm up to pet his head. It was hard to think about just how much Charlie’s brain hurt at every moment of the day. Nick wished he could kiss it better. Nellie wished this too; she had nuzzled her way between them, coming to a rest only when she managed to sit on both of their laps at one time. Charlie’s hand was soon covered in dog spit but he didn’t care. It gave him another physical grounding, her tongue on his hand and his body pressed against her.
Everything felt real in a normal way. The perfect level of real-ness, not too much, not too little. Just like Goldilocks, thought Charlie. He felt the press of a giggle on his lungs. It wasn’t a real laugh, but it was pretty damn close.
They took a deep breath in sync and started giggling for real. Nick reached for Charlie’s face and brought it up to his own. He held Charlie like a higher being holds the world it created. He held him like art. If Nick could, he would gaze at Charlie every hour of every day.
“Can I kiss you?” he asked. Charlie nodded, and placed a feather light kiss on Nick’s nose. Nick returned the favor by kissing first his forehead, and then lowering to where Charlie’s mouth met his.
Bliss.
Charlie laughed into Nick’s mouth and pulled back.
“You smell like toothpaste,” he said.
“I stopped brushing my teeth to come here,” Nick replied, blowing air into Charlie’s face.
“It reminds me of our first real kiss,” Charlie blew some air back into Nick’s face. Nick pretended to grimace at the smell and Charlie shook uncontrollably, this time from laughter, not anxiety.
“Do you wanna go to bed?” Charlie nodded and moved further into the blanket nest. Nick pulled the biggest blanket so it could properly cover them and rested his head against Charlie’s chest. His heartbeat was beautiful.
Nellie poked her head out and sighed. She was ready for bed too.
“Hey, Charlie?” Nick had one more thing he wanted to say. Well, two things.
“I love you so much. We’re going to talk about this in the morning, okay?” Charlie nodded and ran his fingers through Nick’s hair.
“Yeah… Yeah we will.” He seemed nervous, but knew it was something they needed to talk about. Nick didn’t want to discuss it either, but both boys realized that they couldn’t ignore this. Nick was terrified of losing Charlie, and Charlie was terrified of losing control.
Nick’s heart sped up, but Charlie hummed, low in his chest, and the vibrations settled Nick.
They would talk about it in the morning, when the light shone a bit brighter, and all the flowers had bloomed.