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The weight of guilt

Summary:

When Aziraphale experiences his first nightmare, he must confront an event from his past that he didn't realize had such an impact on him. How does one deal with millennia of repressed guilt and grief?

Notes:

A couple of people kindly pointed out that Aziraphale and Crowley were almost too happy in my stories. Asked me if I was going to make them suffer a little.
My answer is basically no. I'm not going to make them suffer because they're too happy or just to make them suffer.
But am I going to make them solve their various problems, issues, by relying on each other's love, by strengthening their relationship, by communicating? Absolutely.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

 

"What's all this about? Build a big boat and fill it with a traveling zoo?"

Aziraphale moved closer to the demon and whispered, "From what I hear, God's a bit tetchy. Wiping out the human race. Big storm."

Crawley looked around and exclaimed, "All of them?" 

Aziraphale replied, "Just the locals. I don't believe the Almighty is upset with the Chinese. Or the Native Americans. Or the Australians."

Crawley simply commented, "Yet." 

Aziraphale continued, trying to justify God's action, pointing to the boat at the top of the hill, "And God's not actually going to wipe out all the locals. I mean, Noah up there, his family, and his sons, their wives, they're all going to be fine." 

Crawley turned to him and asked, "But they're drowning everybody else?"

Aziraphale merely pursed his lips and nodded as goats and children walked by.

Crawley looked at him again and said more sharply, "Not the kids? You can't kill kids."

Again Aziraphale could only hum in reaction.

Crawley, clearly shocked, continued, "Well, that's more the kind of thing you'd expect my lot to do." 

Aziraphale tried to explain again, "Yes, but when it's done, the Almighty is going to put up a new thing called a "rainbow" as a promise not to drown everyone again. "

The demon couldn't hide the irony in his voice as he replied, "How kind."

And though Aziraphale didn't want to admit it, he too was struggling to make sense of it all. But that didn't stop him from saying in a knowing tone, "You can't judge the Almighty, Crawley. God's plans are..."

The demon interjected in an annoyed voice, "Are you going to say ineffable?" 

Aziraphale could only confirm, "Possibly.

The rain soon came, and surrounded by the cries of drowning people, Aziraphale could only watch helplessly, a prisoner of his faith in God, as all those lives vanished one by one, swept away by the waves of God's wrath.

"And me, Aziraphale, will you let it take me too?"

He looked down and saw Crawley drowning and reaching for him.

In desperation, he raised his eyes to the sky and begged, "God, I beg you, stop this! It doesn't make sense! Not the children! Not Crawley! What have they all done to provoke your wrath! I beg you!"

"Aziraphale, do not fear. I am God. My plan is ineffable. Trust in me."

"Aziraphale!"

He looked down at the demon struggling against the stream at his feet.

How could God be so cruel! He couldn't let this happen! 

He knelt down and reached out for Crawley. He managed to grab his hand, but it slipped through his fingers and the demon was finally swept away by the current as he cried out, "I trusted you, Aziraphale!"

Aziraphale fell to his knees, screaming, "Why? Why?"

 

Aziraphale awoke with a start, almost expecting to see water all around him and hear the screams of drowning people, for the dream had seemed so real.

Since Crowley had introduced him to the benefits of sleep, Aziraphale had had many dreams, but most of them had been of pleasant or sometimes absurd things or events, but never anything as awful or as close to reality as what he had just dreamed. And the way it ended...

He let out a long breath, but the image of Crowley drowning, his accusing voice and the screams of the people were still in his mind. 

All those people... the children...

Dream mixed with memory and Aziraphale felt his throat tighten. 

"Angel?"

He felt the warm body move against his back and the demon's arms wrap around him as he asked, "Are you okay?"

Aziraphale, his throat still tight, shook his head and rolled over in Crowley's arms before he could answer, "I think I've just experienced my first nightmare."

Crowley studied his face in the dim light and asked gently, "Something terrible, from the look on your face."

Aziraphale nodded slowly, "Yes, rather, but I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

Crowley replied gently, "Don't be, I'm rather glad I did, considering the state you seem to be in."

He wiped a tear from the angel's eye with his thumb and asked softly, "Would you like to tell me about it?"

The angel hesitated because telling his dream would mean admitting his guilt out loud, and he didn't know if he was ready for that. But seeing the demon's compassionate gaze and demeanor, he felt that no one could understand him better than the one who had been by his side that day.

He took a deep breath and began his story, "I dreamed of the day of the flood. And everything was as it happened, until... until..." His voice cracked and he tried to continue, but the words wouldn't come out.

The demon's arms held him close and he whispered into his hair, "It's okay, Angel, it's all right, it's just a nightmare."

But Aziraphale shook his head and pushed himself back, he had to talk, now that he had made up his mind, he didn't want to go back, no matter how hard it was.

He took another deep breath and continued his story, "You were there."

Crowley, looking confused, replied, "Well, yes, I was."

Aziraphale shook his head violently, "No, yes, I mean you were drowning too, and I could hear the cries of all those drowning, and you called out to me, you asked me if I was going to let you die too, and I cried out to God, I asked her why, why you, why the children, but she just answered that it was her ineffable plan and to trust in her. But how could I? And after that... after that..." he felt the sobs rising and threatening to suffocate him, so he hurried to finish, "I wanted to save you, but your hand... your hand slipped and you were swept away... and you cried out to me that you trusted me... and I... I couldn't save you... and all the children... all those cries... and I was there and I did nothing. I let God do it. I... I did nothing."

"Oh, angel..." Crowley's arms pulled him close again, cradling his head in the crook of his neck, and this time Aziraphale let it happen, finally releasing all those millennia of swallowed, unspoken grief.

Amidst his sobs, the angel continued, "H... how could I have obeyed so blindly when I knew deep down that it wasn't right. All those people, those children, even if God was angry, they didn't deserve such punishment. And I put up with it all, always... always believing in this ineffable plan..."

"I know, angel... Believe me, I know. But I also know what it costs to question this plan, so don't count on me to blame you. I think you do enough for yourself. Yes, you didn't stop it, but could you have? This wasn't Job, where it was just three kids to save and a little mystification. Nothing like what you would have had to do to thwart God's plan that time."

Aziraphale continued to cry for long minutes, begging forgiveness, pouring out all the weight of guilt that had settled into his heart, and Crowley held him tightly against him, showering him with words and gestures of comfort.

Then the sobs turned to occasional sniffles as Crowley hummed softly.

After a while, he grabbed Aziraphale by the shoulders, pushed him a little so he could see his face, and asked softly, "Feeling any better, angel?"

Aziraphale tried to smile and replied in a hoarse voice, "Not really, but I guess I will."

Crowley pressed a lingering kiss to his forehead and said softly, "One step at a time. Like you said to me, we've got time. This isn't the kind of thing we work on in one night."

The Angel nodded slowly before asking, "Crowley?"

"Yes, Angel?"

"Don't you hate me for this?"

Crowley smiled fondly as he took Aziraphale's face in his hands, "Angel, how could I hate you? You did what you could with the cards you were given. As I told you in the past, you were just an angel who went with Heaven as far as you could. When we couldn't go on, we stopped, both of us. That's what counts. No, I don't hate you. You never gave me a reason to hate you." He smiled slightly as he continued, "Except when you forced me to pretend to shoot you."

Aziraphale couldn't help but laugh, then turned serious and asked him, "Will you... will you hold me for the rest of the night?"

The demon didn't hesitate before answering, "Of course, angel." 

Then he helped Aziraphale settle comfortably against him and covered them both.

He kissed the angel's hair and said softly, "I promise you, angel, tomorrow will be better."

Aziraphale replied against his chest, "But you're a demon. You lie."

Crowley chuckled softly, then replied, "Not to you, angel. Never again."

Then he continued to whisper promises and oaths, words of comfort and love, until Aziraphale was conscious only of Crowley and could finally let sleep take him as the familiar voice erased the last vestiges of his nightmare.



 

Notes:

Don't hesitate to say Hi, I don't bite ! : here
_________

 

Still not beta'd
Still not my native language
Still hoping you'll enjoy this story  🥰
Still thanking you for bearing with me 😝

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