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1. Always be on lookout for a prank.
The 501st never shies away from a golden prank opportunity. Specifically an ARC-Trooper known by the name of Fives, who has rightfully claimed himself as the 'prank king'
What type of pranks you may ask, well here's a list:
- Buckets dumping something on someone
- Rearranged items
- Spray painting barracks, armour, and blasters
- Magnetising the barracks
- Whoopie cushions
- Glitter bombs
- Placing a wild critter in someone's bunk
- Dyeing the shampoo a neon color
- Applying super glue in someone's helmet
And that's not even half the list.
How do you spot a prank?
Well the easiest way is to look out for odd trooper behavior, especially beware of Torrent Company.
- Twitchy
- Giggling for no reason
- Random smiling
- Attempting to subtly stare at someone
- Attempting to play it cool
If you notice these signs, be careful around doors and with your helmet and try to stop them before some poor soul's hair get's covered in glitter.
2. Keep them occupied
If there's one thing you should know about this legion, is that they are willing to do anything that piques their interest.
One trooper you must pay extra attention to is Hardcase, who is physically incapable of staying still. If you take your eyes off of him for a minute or two something bad is bound to happen.
Once any of them become bored it is hard for them to wear off their energy because the more they play the more energized they become. They're just built different, despite the fact that were all clones.
You must keep them occupied and moving so their energy is burnt consistently and smoothly.
It doesn't even have to be a reasonable request. If no chores come to mind think of anything harmless for them to do.
A giant pillow fight? Sure! Just force them to do it in a single barrack and have them clean up after themselves or else they have to run laps.
Gluing canteen trays to the ceiling? No problem! As long as they remove both the trays and glue from the ceiling after.
It's really not that hard.
3. Watch their diet.
For some unfathomable reason this particular legion has no sense of self preservation, and an even worse appetite.
This particular rule is directed at the Jedi's. It doesn't matter whether they are your CO's when they risk getting food poisoning.
Why these two though? You may innocently ask.
Well for one thing the Commander is a Togruta. A carnivorous Togruta. She eats raw meat on a weekly basis. And lizards, because they also count as meat.
If you detect even the smallest hint of meat, question her immediately. Don't go soft on her, otherwise she'll never listen.
Why can't she eat raw meat if she's carnivorous? Because all the meat she eats is rotten and moldy. Apparently it "enhances the flavor."
Not only that but the boys will dare each other to eat said raw meat. If for some unholy reason you allow this the medics will kick your shebse if you let any trooper consume raw meat.
So I would highly suggest you get rid of whatever disgusting protein she acquires from who-knows-where.
And what about the other Jedi, you ask.
Well he's mentally ill.
It's technically true, considering he's a young adult at war but it's a different type of mental problem.
He eats bugs. And grass. And leaves. And just about anything to other than actual food.
I know right. What is wrong with him.
Anyway, it's near impossible to stop him once he desires any of the above, so your priority is to make sure he isn't poisoning himself accidentally.
If he plans on eating any bug or arachnid, make sure he has checked with any of the medics before hand. Although by now he's eaten enough to confirm it with them himself, it doesn't hurt to be sure.
Don't worry, it's perfectly normal to be having a migraine. I've dealt with him for years and I still get them. He's lucky he's occasionally competent.
If he has his eyes on anything plant-related, you can only try to convince him to stuff as little of it as possible into his mouth.
Don't be afraid to divert his attention if he even gazes at a single blade of grass for too long. Yelling, slapping, anything works. You can't risk him accidentally gets himself on bed-rest for two weeks again after drinking poisonous syrup straight out of a tree.
As if that wasn't enough, the boys all love to challenge the already questionably mental Jedis to eat the most horrid things possible.
- Raw meat sandwhich. It's three stacks of raw meat on top of each other.
- A half digested centipede found in a snakes stomach.
- Spiders twice the size of a person's palm.
- An innocent insect that looked like a twig with a leaf attached to it.
- A lizards tale that had probably been cooking in puddle water for hours.
I hate to say there's more but I'll spare you most of them.
Usually any form of yelling and or slapping should also do the trick. For extra measure add in a threat as well.
Just make sure you do all this before someone eats whatever abomination they got their grubby hands on.
4. The medics
The medics are very interesting characters, and can almost be classified as an entirely different breed.
They hate it when anyone hides their injuries, and even worse, injures themselves for the dumbest of reasons.
Some examples can include:
- Not wearing enough armor (Lookin' at you, Commander)
- Smashing a pot of caf against their helmet while it's on their head.
- Thinking they can jump of a thirteen foot wall unscathed
- Spraining their wrist because a glitter bomb accidentally set off
- Almost going blind because glitter got stuck in their eyes
- Twisting their ankle because they insisted on running back words blindfolded
And like all the other lists, this is not even close to half of the stupidity that is the 501st legion.
On the bright side, if you happen to come across something that encompasses no logical thought or common sense, just tell the medics.
They'll understand your struggles, and if you are really helpless they'll even take care of everything for you.
Although I would highly not recommend allowing them that. They've been rather power-hungry over the years. Allowing them the authority over the legion will not result in anything good.
...
For us, at least.
You wouldn't want your legions medics to be inspired either would you?
Yeah. Stuff of nightmares, but I'm getting off track.
The thing about these medics is that you need a valid excuse or alibi, or else you might be dragged into a surprise health inspection that can last almost up to an hour.
And while you're at that inspection it's very possible for barracks to be vandalised, speeders to be damaged, armour to be swapped, hangers to be set on fire-
You understand why that inspections a bad thing now.
The trick to avoid this event is to explain how you found out about whatever idiocy you've dragged into the med-bay.
You were overlooking the cargo bay when Hardcase bursts in with a black eye and a swelling head? Hundred percent valid.
You were dragging Jesse away from his dare to eat raw, moldy meat whole when Echo tripped over a tripwire Fives had set up and now he has a sprained ankle? Completely normal.
The General accidentally force threw a horned-tarantula onto Dogma's face and now there's poison coursing through his veins? Happens to the best of us.
As long as you're realistic, you're good.
5. Be strict
This is the last tip, and though it's vague, its the most important and applies to nearly any situation. Especially the scenarios stated above.
There's something you should know about this legion.
They love toying with people and watching them squirm. Getting on people's nerves is their number one goal.
For this very reason you must not, in any circumstance, show any sign of hesitance. Otherwise you'll feel like you've been tossed to the wolves to be preyed on.
Don't be afraid to threaten, snap, or in some cases even induce mild physical violence on them.
If not, you might as well lock yourself in a supply closet and contemplate whatever you did to land you this job.
I would highly recommend threatening them with chores. Scrubbing all the barracks clean, 'fresher duty' cargo loading, anything.
Not only does it serve as a form of punishment but it also keeps them occupied.
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Now, I wish I could've told you more, such as what happens when the 212th are also on leave, or if the boys get their hands on a lightsaber. But you are only going to be in charge for a day so you haven't got much to worry about.
It may be a somewhat low bar, but as long as no one is in critical condition, then you've successfully manage to keep them in line (albeit a messy, disorganized, zig-zagged line.)
I'm not expecting you to be good at this, no not even close. I'm just here to help you survive the day with the smallest headache possible while ensuring the legion doesn't kill itself on accident.
As I said before, it's only a day. There's not much to worry about. Just be observant and keep them occupied and you should be good.
Good luck, my brother.