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Chu Wanning hasn’t ever felt as helpless as now, and that means quite a lot considering everything he’s gone through up until now. Rationally, he knows this isn’t anything bad. He knows it’s just a fever, and that Mo Ran’s just been trying to hide it (he didn’t succeed at all), trying to pretend nothing is wrong and kept pushing and pushing himself, even when Chu Wanning tried putting on his strict teacher personality – nothing helped.
Really, he’s not even the one at fault, and yet-
Yet, his heart is racing to hell and back (because he’s been there and he’d go there again and again if it meant saving Mo Ran. But he’s safe, he’s safe, except)-
Except, is he really?
His breathing is kind of flat. Chu Wanning hastily pushes his sleeves up, still holding him with his other arm, kneeling on the floor where he collapsed, pressing his fingers onto his wrist.
No, his pulse is steady.
Sadly, it doesn’t help the panic. Chu Wanning never panics. He doesn’t know why this is happening, and why all his thoughts feel like they’re short-circuiting, none of them really ending, and all that’s racing through his mind is Mo ran dying in his arms, his body slowly going cold and stiff, images flashing by of his eyes closing and the small, serene smile on his face. Images of Mo ran in his arms as he knows he’s going to die himself, as he walks step by step with that frail boy in his arms that he’s loved forever, the boy that saved earthworms, the boy he cooked wontons for, step by step, up to his room to make sure that he’s going to be okay because he’d always rather die than have Mo Ran dying, step by step, and the one time he had to experience that, god, god, it was so awful, Chu Wanning still remembers it and suddenly he feels exactly like he did then, all desperate and cold and lonely and-
“Please,” breaks from his lips. “Please. Wake up. Mo Ran? Please?”
He brushes some strands out of his face, seeing suddenly how much his fingers are trembling. This is ridiculous, he tries telling himself. This is just a fever. Nothing more. He’s just overdone it, and he’s been sort of frail ever since his death anyways, and of course he would be, they took out his heart several times – he just needs a bed and a good night of sleep and then he’s going to be fine.
Rationally he knows.
But his heart doesn’t. And is heart is terrified of the love of his life dying in his arms again because it feels just like back then. The air smells just like back then.
“Please, wake up, please-“
He pats Mo Ran’s cheek, and his eyelashes flutter for a second. Then, he breathes against his hand, and sinks into it.
“Come on, just wake up, just for a second, just let me know you’re still alive- please-“
“Let me help.”
Chu Wanning freezes right then and there.
Tianwen is already in his hand when he turns around to the voice of a man. He didn’t even hear him approaching, too immersed in getting Mo Ran to wake up. Too scared for his life even when he rationally knows that nothing is wrong.
In front of him is a man in a white gown, wearing a bamboo hat, and a white bandage around his eyes and-
Chu Wanning is the one to stop breathing for a second, holding it, then inhaling sharply until his lungs are filled with air and he exhales it in a low hiss. His heart manages to beat even louder, and he knows that he can still defend himself and Mo Ran and that’s no issue, and that they’re going to be fine-
“Is something the matter? I just thought I heard someone begging someone to wake up, and I’m a travelling doctor. If this is about my eyesight, don’t worry, I’m a cultivator-“
“Hua Binan.”
The man in front of him goes quiet. Chu Wanning sees his cheeks pale, and he gives one glance at Mo Ran, propping him up against his chest, wrapping an arm around him to keep him as close as he somewhat can so that he knows he’s here and he can protect him.
Tianwen starts to flicker, feeling his apprehension.
“Oh.”
It’s a soft-sound escaping the other.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t recognize you since you were so- I never heard you as panicked.”
There’s no malice in his voice, nothing, and Chu Wanning wonders whether it’s just his usual disguise, or whether he-
Whether he what? Whether he can trust Hua Binan?
The one responsible for all the death and demise and despair and Chu Wanning’s own personal fucking hell?
“Stay away,” he says, because no matter what – something inside of him refuses to fight him. He would win; Shi Mei can’t even see at this point. He’s beaten Hua Binan before, and Shi Mei doesn’t have Taxian-jun to back him up either. Nothing can happen to him.
But he doesn’t want to fight his student another time. He’s sick of fighting his students already.
“I understand your apprehension,” Shi Mei says, voice strangely soft and quiet, “but I’m not him. I’m not Hua Binan. My name is Shi Mei. It always has been. I’m… not him, Shizun.”
Chu Wanning is about to speak up when he’s interrupted again.
“No. I don’t have the right to call you that. What’s wrong? Is it Mo Ran?”
It’s a genuine question. And Shi Mei stays right there in place. He doesn’t move, doesn’t approach, but also doesn’t step back.
“…Shi Mei,” Chu Wanning presses out, and his heart just feels so heavy. A wave of exhaustion washes over him as the tension strangely enough leaves his body, trembling getting stronger as a result. Mo Ran in his arms stirs, but it’s only for a bit; his face sinks more into Chu Wanning’s chest.
“Let me help. Please,” Shi Mei basically begs, “I promise I won’t hurt him. I’m- I’ve long let go of all this hatred. I promise. I wouldn’t hurt him. Let me just have a look. You can interrogate me before or after. I swear.”
There’s genuine concern lathered into his voice, and Shi Mei reaches for his robe, clasping it in his fingers. He looks just like that insecure boy from back then that asked Chu Wanning whether he thinks he’s human too. Whether he thinks he’s a person.
This isn’t a blood-thirsty monster.
This is a boy who’s seen too many horrible things, sacrificed himself for his people to no avail, loved someone too much and wasn’t loved back, and Chu Wanning-
Chu Wanning knows what that feels like, because he believed for the longest time that Mo Ran could never love him back. And so… he takes another breath. Exhales.
“Alright. If you do one thing, I’m going to-“
He doesn’t finish the sentence. Kill him? He’s honestly not sure he could – well, he could. He could do it in a single heartbeat, and if he hurts Mo Ran, then he won’t hesitate.
But he doesn’t want to.
Chu Wanning has enough of killing people.
“Yeah. I understand.”
“And-“ Chu Wanning starts again, with a dejected sigh, “you’re not the one that lost his right to call me Shizun. I’m the one who lost the right to have you call me that. I failed you.”
Shi Mei approaches him, and even though he allowed him to, it doesn’t change the fact that Chu Wanning’s body still reacts at the familiar movements, the familiar face. The face that was right in front of him, rope and shackles binding him, terror creeping up in his body that he never felt in the same way when it was Taxian-jun.
He flinches hard, his hand splayed out against Mo Ran’s chest.
Shi Mei doesn’t notice because he doesn’t make a single sound.
“Alright. Then, can I still call you that?”
“…It’s fine,” Chu Wanning answers, barely able to disguise the panic in his voice. He hates it. He hates being so weak. He shouldn’t be, not in front of Shi Mei, in front of the man who destroyed their lives, but Shi Mei just smiles at him. It’s a kind smile. And maybe it’s fake, but it does calm him in a weird way.
Because part of Chu Wanning still trusts him.
“Okay, Shizun. I won’t do anything. I promise. But this is the least I can do to make it up to you. not that it would. But let me do something.”
He kneels down in front of them, shuffling closer, and then reaching with perfect precision for Mo Ran’s chest. He holds still for a few seconds, then moves the hand to his forehead.
Mo Ran twitches, as if he can feel it. But he doesn’t twitch into the hand. He twitches away from it.
Shi Mei smells of medicine and something sharp. Unlike he did before.
“He’s fine,” Shi Mei says eventually, retracting his hand, “I can use a healing spell anyways, if you’d like. But he’s going to be fine. It’s just overexertion, and the fact that his body remembers.”
“What?”
“The day at Tianyin Pavilion. Wasn’t it three years ago, today? His body remembers. That’s all. Get him some place he can sleep. Do you… want me to use a healing spell? I understand if you don’t trust me, and I can teach you, I’m sure you’d manage easily-“
“No, it’s alright,” Chu Wanning says. He’s going to watch closely. Shi Mei can’t fool him. Not anymore. But there’s regret written all over his face.
He doesn’t need eyes to see that.
“Okay.”
He presses both of his hands against Mo Ran’s chest, and Chu Wanning feels the spiritual energy flow into him. Mo Ran slumps against him more, and his breathing grows a little more even. He relaxes, a soft exhale against Chu Wanning’s neck as he snuggles up to him.
The smile on Shi Mei’s face never fades. Ever-lasting.
“There. It’s done. He’ll be fine.”
Awkward silence ensues, because Chu Wanning isn’t sure whether he’s meant to thank him. He’s a man of courtesy, and he’s always tried living up to that, but… now? Can he thank this man? Who destroyed it all?
Who killed the love of his life once and twice and who knows in how many timelines before and after?
“No need to thank me.”
It’s like he’s reading his thoughts. Always. Always has. So, Chu Wanning doesn’t thank him.
“…Say, Shizun,” he starts again, getting back up. Taking a step back. He looks away. “Can I ask something weird?”
“Go ahead,” Chu Wanning sighs. It’s not like he can stop him anyways. It’s not like you can stop any youngster from asking something that majorly oversteps any boundaries in existence.
“You… never liked me that way, did you? And you never will? I’m sorry- you don’t have to answer. It’s just- I want closure already. But my mind keeps telling me that just maybe- I could have a chance. I could have you. One day.”
He looks absolutely and utterly pitiful. Chu Wanning doesn’t find it in him to hate. Not when he sees that pathetic smile still on his face. Not when he sees the way he crumples the robes in his hands, shaking slightly. He takes another step back.
And he deserves an answer.
“…No,” Chu Wanning exhales, “I couldn’t. I won’t apologize. He’s-“
-the only one to me. I couldn’t ever love someone who isn’t Mo Ran. I couldn’t ever look at someone and feel the same way I feel about him, because he gave everything up for me and because he wanted a weapon like mine and because he licked soup off my fingers like a little puppy when he was so close to death. Because he took it all on for me, he destroyed himself for me over and over again. Because he talked to my soul and helped me make wontons and apologized and felt guilty about something he wasn’t at fault for. Because he went to hell for me and grieved me until his eyes ran dry, twice. Because he told me he loves me and he turned off the light for me. Because he touched me and touched me and it felt good and bad and everything all at once. Because I love him so much that I’d do all those things for him, too.
“Yeah. I- thank you.”
Shi Mei readjusts the bandage, then gives a short bow.
“I’ll leave. If that’s okay. It was… nice meeting you again. I mean it.”
“Yes,” Chu Wanning agrees. It’s better if he leaves. They can’t talk as if nothing happened, as much as they want to, but-
Shi Mei is already turning around.
“Shi Mei.”
“…Hm?”
His face turns into his direction again.
“Why… me?”
A short chuckle escapes Shi Mei’s mouth. It’s insecure.
“Because you told me I’m human, and you didn’t hesitate. You were the first to make me feel welcome in this world. It must have been the same for him. I understand him. I really do.”
“…He’s like you,” breaks out of Chu Wanning. “He’s just like you, Shi Mei. Where did it go wrong? Why did you take such a different path from him? When he’s- just like you, except he can cry, why is it- why are you-“
He’s at a loss for words and it’s embarrassing beyond belief and he feels heat shooting into his face.
“Because I’m me, and he’s him, and he got saved early enough while you were too late for me. But it’s not your fault, Shizun. You can’t fix everyone. And no one expects you to. So just be there for him, alright? I’ll make it on my own this life.”
“Yes. You will. I’m… proud of you.”
The words got stuck in his throat for a second, but he manages to pronounce them despite it all. They’re not a lie. He really is proud of Shi Mei. This Shi Mei. He understood what was right and what was wrong and he now does his utter best to help people.
Maybe Chu Wanning didn’t save him, but he saved himself, and that’s all lonely and sad but the outcome is similar.
“Thank you. I’ll… leave then. Greet Xue Meng from me if you see him again, alright?”
“I will.”
With a short bow, Shi Mei turns around, and walks away. Not looking back even once. He walks on and on and on until his figure disappears on the horizon, the white of his robe blurring into clouds and fog and petals of flowers of the purest white.
Only then does Chu Wanning get up, heaving Mo Ran onto his back, realizing that he’s much heavier than when he climbed all these steps with him, and he walks them back home because if he could do it once, then he can do it twice.