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It seems like the longer he stays in this hospital room the walls get smaller and his patience grows thinner.
He wants answers, he wants names, he wants heads rolling for harming such an innocent soul.
In his career, he’s seen and heard about the bloodshed over political disputes. He’s aware of countless stories of people’s loved ones being in the wrong place at the wrong time and finding themselves on the receiving end of harmful retribution for crimes they didn’t dare commit or even words and beliefs they don’t even share.
But there’s something about this incident that makes his stomach freefall from the world’s largest building and his body swell with deep regret.
There’s so much he could’ve done to avoid this.
Hell, his intentions were in the right place!
He wanted to give Donna the experience of a lifetime, put her in rooms she had never dreamed of sitting in before, experiencing things with her own two eyes that people couldn’t even believe existed, and yet…
His intentions and ultimately his actions are the reason he almost lost her for good.
And Josh doesn’t know if he can live the rest of his life knowing that his recklessness and actions are the reason why another set of parents almost lost their beloved child.
He’s seen his parents go through it due to his irresponsibility as a child and he refuses to let anyone, especially Donna’s family, deal with that-even if Donna is said to be on the mend by the Doctors and staff he’s spoken to.
He doesn’t want anybody to lose Donna.
He doesn’t want to lose Donna.
If there was ever a moment to go back in time and slap himself in the face before kicking that one guy off the trip to get Donna on the list, he’d happily oblige.
This isn’t what he wanted for her.
And yet, this is exactly what she’s gotten and it makes Josh feel ill.
She’s in a hospital bed with scrapes, bruises, and cuts that even some of the workers who tend to her needs wince at the sight of them.
And it’s his fault.
He supposes when he looks back on his life, there’ll be many things he’ll never be able to live down.
But at this moment, as he watches the woman he probably cares about too much rest uncomfortably in the small hospital bed, putting Donna on that list and on that flight to Gaza will be something he’ll forever regret.
His regret looms over him like a personal dark cloud.
He tries to remain positive in the short stints that Donna is conscious and able to talk but all that gnaws at him at the back of his mind is the looming reminder that this is all his fault.
He answers the questions of their concerned friends and coworkers on the phone when he can bear it; thinking and strategizing over the politics of this situation at a time like this just seems so unbearable and unlikely.
(Even if the occasional thought does slip into his mind and he passes it along to whoever he can back in the office).
And it doesn’t help that he’s been graced with the sudden appearance of Donna’s foreign friend with an accent that lets him know that he’s more than some silly friend and even though Josh is too exhausted from running on fumes and being worried about Donna’s wellbeing, he still has enough sense not to like the gentleman’s company.
(Even if he did bring her pretty flowers.)
He wakes up expecting to be met with Colin but he’s instead met with Mrs. Moss, whose crystal blue eyes are widened at Donna who is in a deep sleep, the image something she wasn’t ready to see just yet.
“Mrs. Moss.” He’s up immediately, shuffling over to meet her halfway, “I….I’m so sorry.” The words leave his mouth before he can offer a proper greeting, “I..I truly am.”.
For a moment, her eyes flicker up at Josh, clearly forgetting him for a quick moment.
“Josh.” Her tone is half-relieved and half-confused (but sounds 100% like Donna’s tone and cadence), “I….I forgot you were here.”.
“It’s no worries, you’ve had a lot happening in recent times.” He takes a sigh, preparing himself for how Donna’s mother may react in the coming moments, “How are you?”.
It’s a dumb question and he internally swears at himself for asking.
“You think a flight from Wisconsin to New York to here would…prepare you for this.” She gives a watery smile, the emotion and weight of the circumstances hitting her as she drops her coat and small duffel in the seat Josh once sat in and makes her way over to Donna with fast steps, her eyes softening once she has Donna’s limp hand in her hands, “My sweet girl…..”.
He’s more aware of his place: He’s nothing more than Donna’s boss so he takes a step back and lets Donna’s mother be alone with her and chooses to sit and wait in the hallway that closes in on him with each passing second.
He should go.
He can’t even look at Donna’s mother knowing what he knows and remembering the decisions he’s made that led them there.
The audacity to even speak to her after all he’s done makes him feel red hot with guilt.
He sits on the waiting bench for a good minute, counting the number of tiles on the linoleum floor to keep his mind steady and far from the state of manic panic he’s been in.
That is, until Mrs. Moss emerges from the room, her exhausted look a clear-cut juxtaposition from the cherry red knit sweater she wears.
He stands to his feet quickly, awkwardly running his hand on his pants.
“Mrs. Moss.” He bows his head (and curses himself for it), “Did you need the Doctor or somebody?”
“I needed my daughter.” She pushes a hand through her curly blonde updo (the same one Donna had put her hair in while she was going through boxes in the basement what seems like ages ago), “…And she’s here, now.” she slides into the waiting chair next to the one Josh had settled in.
He gives a nod, trying to decipher how to go from here.
“Mrs. Moss, I….I’m so sorry.” Josh stops mid-sentence and decides to just apologize, “What happened shouldn’t have happened and please believe me when I say, we’re going to work hard to make sure whoever did this-whoever was a part of this is going to pay for what they’ve done. I can promise you that.”
“I….I’m just having difficulty understanding why this happened in the first place.” Donna’s mother speaks slowly, her eyebrows furrowing low on her forehead, “…I mean I know there’s probably not much you can tell me but…why her? Why now?”.
“I wish I had an answer for you.” He speaks slowly, fully aware of how sensitive the information is, “But I can say as of right now, you and your family shouldn’t have to worry too much about safety. We have no reason to believe that they’re going to target you or anyone else.” Josh drops himself back in the chair after his legs begin to feel exhausted from his standing.
Mrs. Moss nods and plays with the ends of her sleeves, with a sullen look.
“There were reporters and vans outside of the house after they confirmed her identity.” She speaks slowly, “I mean…there were some people we knew trying to offer condolences but for the most part, it was reporters looking to interview us on…what happened.”
He wants those reporters gone.
He wants them banished to a shell of a town that’s not even seen with the world’s strongest microscope for being so reckless and careless when Donna’s family as they try to come to terms with the attack.
He wants their press passes for any events revoked.
He wants them to suffer, in all honesty.
But he knows that returning hurt with hurt will only lead to more hurt and at this point, Josh isn’t sure he can handle any more hurt.
“I’m sorry you had to deal with that.” He shakes his head at just how out-of-touch the press can be at times like this, the idea of Donna’s down-to-earth family being startled by to press makes him feel ill,
Donna’s mom opens her mouth to speak but a frown turns her straight lips upside down, her blonde eyebrow perking up at him in utter confusion.
“Why do you keep apologizing, honey?” Her voice is feather soft, “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
He takes a deep breath, his mind floating and staying on the woman fighting for relief from the pain she’s been subjected to in the uncomfortable hospital bed not too far from where they sit.
The problem is no matter how many times he tries to get himself to believe that he’s not responsible for what’s happened to Donna, his mind just won’t accept it.
This will be what haunts him for the rest of his life.
And honestly? He deserves every minute of it.
“I’m the reason why she went to Gaza.” Josh explains carefully, nervous about how she might retrieve this information, “I kicked some poor kid off the list just to get Donna on because she always said she wanted to do more and ... .I'm a big reason why this even happened in the first place.” He feels winded and light-headed from the confession; his body feels like he ran a mile full-stop, “And for that..I’m so sorry.”.
Had he been alone, he probably would’ve shed a few tears but as of now, his body feels dry at the idea of crying; he feels like all the tears have been cried out already.
“You don’t need to apologize to me for wanting my daughter to touch the stars.” She gives him a watery smile that’s so similar to Donna’s that Josh has to blink twice, “She wants to do great things and Josh, you do great things.”.
“Mrs. Moss, I-”
“Did something with good intentions because you care about my daughter and want her to be the best version of herself she can be.” She cuts him off with a matter-of-fact tone that’s still caring and calm, “You never have to apologize to me for caring about my daughter and wanting her to grow. Especially since other men couldn’t even give a damn about her in the first place.” She takes a deep breath to pause herself, “You’re here. You’ve always been here for her…and that’s what matters.”.
The comment is enough to make him give a soft chuckle.
It’s not much, but it’s a start.
A start to get him to believe he isn’t responsible for the harm inflicted on Donna.