Work Text:
Yeosang rarely looks for his members, his lovers, and confides in them because he thinks he can handle his issues most of the time. They're so used to him not saying anything about his feelings and thoughts, and he's used to being that way.
It started as just the simple 'what if' questions that were triggered by something he thinks is just a small thing. They were done rehearsing for their performance at LA when he saw the others make their way to Yunho, telling him he did an amazing job leading the practice as usual.
"Sangie hyung helps today too."
Jongho speaks up, which gets their attention, and they look at Yeosang, who's now blushing in embarrassment. He smiles at them, and they nod their heads, acknowledging with no words. Well, at least that's still okay.
"Aye, Kang Yeosang just reminded us of our position. That's it. He doesn't really do much," Wooyoung said as he giggles teasingly while crossing his arms over his chest.
Oh. Yeosang thought, feeling his heart race and ache at the same time. I didn't do much? He questions himself, and he presses his lips together tightly, remembering the things that he had done for the group during practice sessions.
Yeah, I guess I didn't do much. What if they kick me out suddenly? What if I'm really not good at anything? What if they've been pretending this whole time when they praised me and helped me? What iㅡ
"Sangie!"
He blinked his eyes as he snapped out of his thoughts when Seonghwa called out to him. They were looking at him, but their expressions were unreadable. Why are they looking at him like that? Do they hate him now?
"Why are you staring at us like you wanna rip our heads off?" Mingi asked, and Yunho nudged his side with his arm when he saw Yeosang's expression fall. The room is suddenly quiet and chilly.
San claps his hands to get their attention as well as to distract from the awkward atmosphere, saying that they should decide what to eat. Seonghwa helps by suggesting going out for dinner, but Hongjoong says delivery should be okay as it's night already.
They were talking among themselves, deciding what to eat, and asking each other as well. However, no one asked Yeosang what he wanted to eat. He wishes they did, though, because he's craving kimchi fried rice. He only heard "Sangie always chose boring food" before his mind wandered off again.
Yeosang slips away from the group to gulp down his water before packing his stuff. He feels a bit suffocated and sad, and he doesn't want to be here right now. He swallows his saliva down his throat as he tries to calm himself down.
"Sangie? Where are you going?"
Yunho asks, and Yeosang stops packing his stuff as the others are looking at him. They walk towards him, and he steps back, as he doesn't want them to come close since he might break. His thoughts are running wild in his mind, and he doesn't know what to believe and what to think.
"I'm goㅡgoing back," he responds and mentally slaps himself for stuttering. Their facial expressions changed upon his words before they nodded their heads, saying "okay" and reminding him to go back quickly to not get caught by fans.
When he said he'll be going back with their manager, they waved him off with their hands. Oh. So they don't care… Did they really not notice how I am right now? He thought to himself as he bit his lower lip, trying to hold his tears back. Jongho glanced back at him before speaking. "You're still here, hyung?"
Yeosang shoots a fake smile as he walks out of the room hurriedly, feeling like he doesn't belong there. When he closes the door, he can see from outside how happy and complete they look, and maybe… he was meant to be out of the picture. Maybe it was just seven of them. Tears well up in his eyes, and he immediately calls the manager to pick him up.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
As soon as he arrived at his hotel room, he locked the door and latched it before dragging himself to the bed. He sat on the bed while thinking again of what happened earlier.
Yes, he's used to dealing with things on his own, but when he really needs them or when his issues are pulling him down, no one is there.
They don't really know anything about him, do they? He's not important at all then? Is he not worth anything for them to not notice that he's not okay?
He covers his face with his hands as he cries out, feeling a bit suffocated as his cries are unstable, which gives him a hard time breathing.
His hands are starting to shake before he pulls them away from his face, rubbing his chest with his right hand, trying to calm himself down as he can feel himself almost getting into a panic attack.
He remembers the techniques that Mingi used to teach him, so he did that. He closes his eyes and breathes in and out slowly as he hugs himself, rubbing his own arms. He repeats those steps for a few minutes before his breathing is stable, then wipes his tears away with his palms.
Yeosang was shocked when his phone chimed with a notification. He pulls out his phone from his pocket to see Jongho texted him, asking if he's eaten yet or not.
He was in a dilemma – should he tell the truth or lie? It'll be no use to lie, so he tells the truth. He types "no, don't feel like it" and presses send before putting his phone on do not disturb mode and then placing it on the nightstand.
The images and sounds of the previous members really made him think a lot about his presence, his position in the group and… in general. Why does he feel so undeserving of the current good things?
His phone chimed again, and he received a response from the maknae almost immediately – "okay" was all that he got. That's it? No asking why he doesn't eat? No asking why he doesn't feel like eating?
Yeosang's thoughts are starting to run wild again. Did something happen when I wasn't there? Did they… dump me? Do they not want me anymore? He thought again before he choked on tears.
The male got up from the bed to make his way towards the mini fridge before he pulled out a bottle of water. He gulps half of the water and then pants heavily after that.
He walks back to the bed and slips under the blanket, turning to the side as he cries his heart out. He clutches onto the blanket tightly, shutting his eyes with tears rolling down sideways, wetting the pillow.
Yeosang doesn't know why this is all happening at the same time. He doesn't know why he feels like shit; he doesn't know why the others are acting different, but he certainly knows that they don't want him anymore.
"I… I can't dㅡdo this anymore…"
He mutters to himself in between his cries, feeling his breathing getting unstable, which causes him to rub his chest with his left hand.
No one is here to check on him, no one is here to ask him what's wrong, and no one is here to care for him, so he might as well be on his own and do everything by himself.
And that hits him – maybe he should take a hiatus or just remove himself from the group and the company. The others will be fine without him, anyway. They have enough rappers, vocalists and dancers. He improved much later than the others, so they don't really need him. That was what he thought before sleep overtook him with fresh tears on his cheek.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
Yeosang doesn't remember what time it is, but he was awakened by the loud noises against the door. He stirs awake before reaching his hand out to check the time on his phone – 08:13. They don't have any schedule or dance practice session today, and it's still early, so why is someone banging on his door?
He sits up slowly as he groans, getting down from the bed and pressing his right palm against his right temple; headache. Ah, he cried so badly last night. Right.
The male walks towards the door and unlatches and unlocks the door before opening it to see the members standing outside; some looking worried (Seonghwa, Yunho, San and Jongho) and some looking furious and annoyed (Hongjoong, Mingi and Wooyoung).
"Did you just wake up?" Seonghwa asks in concern before Hongjoong interrupts him. "Did you not hear your phone ringing? We called you more than five times. What the heck did you do last night that you didn't even hear your own phone?"
Not gonna lie, Yeosang was going to feel a bit better with Seonghwa's genuine worried question, but the minute Hongjoong shoots him with the questions and words angrily, he felt down again. He felt miserable, stupid, and worthless. And he's trying his best to hold the tears in.
San calms the captain down, and Yunho tells them to go in, as they're in the hallway where anyone could hear and catch them like this. Yeosang steps aside as he lets them come in even though he doesn't want to. He closes the door slowly and walks to the bed before sitting at the front of it.
"Seriously, Yeosang. What's up with you?" Wooyoung asks, and Yeosang could feel his heart hurt at the way the male calls him. No more pet names. They really don't want him anymore, huh?
Mingi snaps his fingers in front of Yeosang's face to get his attention, and Yeosang can see how tense Hongjoong looks. He's fucking up everything at this point. He just wants to cry and run away. I don't wanna be here. He thought while closing his hands, balling them into fists.
Hongjoong keeps asking why he's quiet, why he's not talking nor responding to their questions. San placed his hand on the captain's thigh to calm him down, but the older didn't budge. Seonghwa tries to talk to Hongjoong nicely too, but with how the captain is right now, it's impossible.
The captain stood up and walked towards Yeosang, and as he was about to place his hands on his sides, Yeosang flinched before covering his face with his hands and bursting out crying while pleading, speaking with his unstable, crying voice.
"I'm sorry… I'm sㅡsorry. Please don't be mad at me. I don't know what I dㅡdid but I'll leave and be gone, so plㅡplease.. don't yell at me. I'm sorry…"
Hongjoong stops in his tracks, beyond shocked, and the others had the same reaction as him. The way Yeosang protects himself and how he's bawling while speaking had them utterly stunned. All the anger and annoyance in their bodies disappear into thin air just like that.
What does he mean by those words? What did they do to make Yeosang, their sweet Yeosang, act and talk this way? Seonghwa covers his mouth with San and Jongho at the side crying. The others were just in shock that no one moved or said anything for a moment. Hongjoong walks again slowly before he sits next to the male on the bed.
"Sangie… I… Can I hold your hands, please?" Hongjoong asks and holds the male's hands in his after receiving a slow nod from Yeosang. The sight of the male broke their hearts even more. They've never seen Yeosang this vulnerable and sad. He looks terrified and so sad that they can literally feel their hearts hurt.
Wooyoung sat on the bed behind Yeosang to wrap his arms around the male's waist and rest his head on the male's back before pressing soft kisses against Yeosang's nape. Mingi sits down on the floor in front of the bed to place his hands on Yeosang's thighs, giving reassuring squeezes.
"Sangie… Do you wanna tell us why you said those? What do you mean you'll leave and be gone? Leave and be gone where? Talk to us, please…" San spoke as he looked at Yeosang from where he was. They can literally see how empty Yeosang's eyes look, and gosh… they feel horrible. They just know that they were the reason behind it, but they just want Yeosang to talk about it.
Yeosang sniffles as he's about to wipe his tears before Hongjoong beats him to it; the captain wipes away the tears on his cheeks with his thumbs. He presses his lips together tightly, feeling nervous all of a sudden about wanting to talk about the truth. I should be honest, right? He asks himself before he inhales and exhales deeply.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
Before Yeosang opened up to them, the doorbell of the room rang, and Seonghwa got up on his feet to open the door, letting the hotel staff bring in the room service food in the male's room. Yeosang looks at each of the members, shocked by the number of plates on the table.
"We know you didn't eat the whole day yesterday, and you missed breakfast with us, so... we ordered for you before coming here," Yunho said as he flashed a smile at Yeosang, who's still looking surprised, unable to believe that they ordered tonnes of food for him today.
As Yeosang thanked them softly while looking down at his hands that Hongjoong was still holding, Wooyoung pecked his cheek before Jongho spoke up. "Do you wanna eat or talk first?" Yeosang chooses the latter even though he's damn nervous to open up. The others reassure him to take his time.
"I… I wasn't feeling well mentally. I keep having these bad thoughts that I don't deserve to be here, to be in this group. I feel really worthless and insecure about everything. A simple statement or joke hurts me so much that it pulls me down to the darkest place. It feels like this team is better off as seven members. I don't contribute much, I slow you guys down, I'm always quiet and shy, I made all of you angry today, and... you're complete without me. I know you guys don't want me anymore, so... I'll think of a wㅡway to leave; don't worry."
At Yeosang's words, they were beyond speechless. How did they look past that he wasn't himself yesterday? Why were they so angry at him today? To the point where he thought they didn't want him anymore, which made him want to leave.
Wooyoung looks down in embarrassment as he remembers what he said yesterday. He realises right now that he crossed the line with his jokes and he had hurt Yeosang in the process. "I'm sorry, Sang-ah… I'm… I did too much yesterday, and I didn't think again."
And that was all it took for the others to apologise to him as well for overlooking his condition, for not being caring, and for letting him go back just like that yesterday when it's actually a weird thing since Yeosang never goes back home first and alone.
When Yeosang also told them that they didn't call him the way they used to and that they didn't call him or come to him when he didn't feel like eating yesterday, they nodded their heads as they admitted that it was their fault for not coming and communicating well.
"I wanted to come, but I thought you might need time to yourself 'cause you seem off, and I assume it was because of practice. I'm so sorry, Sangie hyung."
Jongho said and apologised as he was looking straight at Yeosang, who was also looking at him. Seeing how the male is right now just hurt all of them.
They've been so protective of Yeosang all this while, and now… they were the ones who hurt him. Mingi looks up at the male sadly, feeling bad for being too upfront that he doesn't think of the male's feelings.
"We're so sorry, Sangie. I'm not giving excuses, but I just wanna explain. Is that okay?" Hongjoong asks, and Yeosang nods twice in response. The captain thanks him and pecks the male's forehead a few times before speaking up again.
"I'll admit that manager hyung and staff have been up on my ass for these past few days with how tight our schedule is. That got to me so bad that my emotions are unstable because I've been treating the others the same, but they understood it. And I should've known that you're different; you're softer, more fragile. I'm truly sorry I lashed out at you and the others, made you think that you're not worth the good things and that we don't need you."
Hongjoong strokes the male's knuckles with his thumbs as he's looking at Yeosang with love and remorse. The captain feels emotional as he regrets treating their sweet, kind, selfless Yeosang that way. Seonghwa noticed how the captain is, so he decided to continue by himself.
"We're sincerely sorry for overlooking your pain and for not being attentive to you. Sangie, we love you endlessly. We want you with us; we feel complete and better with you. It's 8 makes 1 team, and it'll always be that way, no matter what. We'll pay more attention to you and will make up for what we've done, said after this, we promise. There's no excuse for what we've done 'cause yes, we'll admit that we didn't think properly of how things are. Would you forgive us?"
Yeosang presses his lips together tightly as he feels close to tears again, but both San and Mingi plead with him to not cry again, as it hurts them to see him cry. Hongjoong leans in to peck his forehead a few times again, and Wooyoung strokes his tummy, which calms him down.
"Yes, I foㅡforgive you guys, and I'm sorry for acting this way. I love each and every one of you, so I'm terrified that you feel different for me, that you're angry or upset at me. Thank you for being honest and opening up. I just want that and nothing else."
They nod their heads in response before they hug him tightly, making Yeosang feel all the love and care, which made him cry again. Yunho wipes his tears away this time, and Jongho pecks his right cheek a few times, which manages to pull out soft chuckles from Yeosang.
Mingi stood up from the floor to prepare the food before both Seonghwa and San helped him. They feed him bit by bit, reassuring him that he's doing really well right now, nobody can replace him and that they need as well as love him so much.
Yeosang nods his head as he digests the words and tells himself internally that communication is always the key and to embrace himself and his thoughts and feelings. He tells them again of how much he loves them before he falls back on the bed when the others shower him with kisses all over his face.
Laughter, high-pitched squeals and squeaks fill the room. Yeosang sits back up as his face and ears are all red as he blushes in embarrassment at how the others showcase their love for him. Even though he's shy, he loves it, and he'd never trade it for anything else. The others look at Yeosang, who's eating and feeling lucky that the male is their love, and they promise to take better care of him. That's a promise they've made among themselves.
After the lunch, they all cuddled up against one another on Yeosang's bed – thanking the universe and the hotel that it fits all eight of them. Yeosang promises to do better for their remaining schedules, and Hongjoong shuts him up with a peck on the lips. "You're doing amazing already, and you always do good just like us, so don't worry." Yeosang smiles in response to the captain's words. They exchange "I love you" among each other. Slowly, he finds himself falling asleep slowly with the others cooing at how adorable he looks before they, too, fall asleep one by one with stomach and heart being so full.