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Kyle sat down at the small round table near the back wall of the bar with a short sigh, taking a moment to blankly stare at the propped up drink specials menu in the middle of it without any real intention on ordering anything, before his gaze shifted up to the man taking his seat across from him. He seemed perfectly average, perhaps too perfectly average, clean cut…boring. “Gary”, as his nametag read, was just another gold star of dullness about him.
“Ahh, hello there Kyle. My name’s Gary. Great to meet you.” Gary gave him a warm yet empty smile and reached out for a handshake of all things.
“…Nice to meet you. Caught the…nametag.” Kyle muttered, accepting the handshake with one hand and pointing back and forth between their name tags with the other.
“Mm, true.” Gary chuckled and shifted to rest his arms on the table. “Formally introducing myself just seemed like the polite thing to do.” He shrugged. “So, Kyle. What brings you to this sort of thing?”
“I’ve been in a position to broaden my horizons lately, I guess. I’m getting over a breakup and, as lame as this kinda thing is, I just saw one of those targeted ads for it and figured…why not?” Kyle spoke blankly. “…Not that you yourself are lame or anything, of course, I haven’t gotten a real read on you yet. You could be, like, the coolest person ever for all I know. Not that I exactly have a whole lot of time to sus that one out.”
“Heh, I suppose I’ll take it as a compliment.” Gary simply maintained his smile, not seeming too offended. “While I’m not in the same situation here on the breakup side of things, which I’m sure must be difficult for you right now and I’m happy that you’re here, I’m looking to “broaden my horizons” myself. I’m in the process of discovering myself. I’ve had a lot of people try to hurt me, to use my religion as a punchline, but-“
“Yeah, the breakup thing has been difficult.” Kyle sighed and rest his cheek on his hand with his elbow on the table. “He was a dumbass, really. It’d be nice to just…meet somebody who’s respectful and has their shit together. Not somebody who’s constantly insulting either me or my mother.”
“…He went for your family too? That’s horrible.” Gary frowned, trying to remain sympathetic even as Kyle rambled on. “A partner should be respectful of your family, Kyle. They’re an extension of you after all. I am so, so sorry you had to go through that.”
“And another thing…” Kyle gestured with his hands to go on, only for the bell to sound. “…Shit, sorry, I just went on that whole time. Uhh. Nice talking to you…” He glanced back at Gary’s nametag, having forgotten his name. “Gary.”
“…Yes, Kyle, it was nice talking to you.” Gary smiled at him, then got up to move on to the next person.
Eric teetered back and forth in his chair across from Craig, only leaning forward just enough to take a sip from the long straw he’d fashioned together out of multiple straws sitting in his drink before returning to his teetering.
“Yeah, so I’m like, basically too cool for this. I’m not like any of the other desperate weirdos here. That’s probably the first thing you should know about me.” Eric stated casually.
“Cool. Same here.” Craig replied, dry and with little interest. “This shit basically just started in the middle of me and my friends drinking and one of the ladies running it roped us into it promising free drink tickets. Honestly, not my thing. One of my biggest hobbies in life is making fun of people like this.”
“Yeah, I’m only here because some shitty people have fucked me over in my life, y’know? Looking to fill an empty space, guess you could say.” Eric went on.
“Y’know, telling your future rebound that they’re your future rebound doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.” Craig rolled his eyes. “But, I guess I get you. Maybe. People are shitty. That’s why I don’t associate with a whole lot of them. Like I said, the making fun of people from afar thing is more fun.”
“Mhm. My ex was like, just the worst, y’know? Just the worst. You just wouldn’t understand…” Eric continued, glancing up thoughtfully.
“Dude. I don’t care.” Craig stated blankly.
“I mean, the nerve he has to tell anybody that any of this was my fault. Come on, Kyle. Clearly you were to blame for all of this. Ahh, well. At least I’m here now, with somebody actually willing to listen, isn’t that right…” Eric looked forward once more, noting that Craig had gotten out of his seat and left. “…Motherfucker…”
“Kyle, can I just say, you seem like an immensely passionate man. I've had such a hard time finding someone who sees eye to eye with me on so much.” Gregory smiled as he reached across the table to take Kyle’s hand and gently stroke the back of it with his thumb.
“Thank you…” Kyle mumbled, keeping his eyes on his hand. “I really don’t hear stuff like that a lot. My last relationship kinda ruined me for a lot of stuff, like being treated like I’m thoughtful in any way.”
“Oh, but you seem so thoughtful to me.” Gregory smiled and gave his hand a light squeeze. “I understand entirely, I’ve had those i was close to tell me I’m one to focus on myself too much and “talk out my ass”.” Gregory rolled his eyes. “Honestly, I don’t understand why I attract such ingrates. I’ve been looking to associate with people as intelligent as I am. It truly is nice to have found somebody at a function such as this who seems to know who he is and what he’s about beyond the television shows he consumes and whatnot.”
“See, I never got that in my last relationship. Anything remotely intelligent I said was met with either a blank, slack jawed stare or outright mockery.” Kyle scoffed and let go of Gregory’s hand to take a sip of the drink he’d inevitably caved and ordered. “I don’t even think he actually opposed what I was saying sometimes, I think he was just too fucking stubborn to admit that I was right.” Kyle threw his free hand up and rolled his eyes.
“Oh, I’ve been there, some people are simply too stubborn for their own good. Failing to see that you’re not just right but, perhaps, always right. It truly is a nuisance.” Gregory glanced off to the side. “The fighting surely does get tedious, constantly having to remind them time and time again that you’re the smart one…but then he reminds you of why you choose to associate with him carnally and you’re back to square one…” Gregory absentmindedly tapped his fingers on the table as he zoned out just a bit.
“EXAC-…uhh…” Kyle squinted at Gregory. “You…got…something on your mind, dude?”
“…Hmm?” Gregory looked back at Kyle. “Oh. No. I was simply sympathizing with your situation. I’m quite the expert at reading people.” He shrugged.
“…Yeah.” Kyle took a long sip of his drink as he waited on the bell to ring once more. “Well. Uhh. Thanks, Gregory…for the intelligent conversation…and the…sympathy.”
“Of course. I shall certainly be around if you’re looking to associate with somebody on your level.” Gregory smiled, then glanced aside. “Though, I fear I may have to leave early. I have a...business meeting to attend to.” He added, then stepped away.
“…Man, that guy seems like he’s still on the hook. Poor dude.” Kyle muttered as he fiddled with his drink.
“…I mean, it wasn’t that bad, y’know? I’m not the fuckin’ devil or anything!” Eric scoffed and gestured with his hands.
“I am quite literally the son of Satan. Your actions in the scenario you have been going on about in particular were child’s play.” Damien spoke unfazed from across from him. “Your actions in the rest of your life are what you should be focusing on to this extent.”
“So I playfully made fun of him a bit? It’s what partners do. So I hooked up with Kenny…everybody has! So I ran away when he was being mugged that one time…it was self preservation!” Eric went on.
“I’ve arrived at this event because I sense great evil in you, Eric Cartman. You are capable of so much more than you possibly know. Join me and we can conquer the mortal world together.” Damien spoke, somewhat theatrically.
“I didn’t even mean for his nudes to end up on that revenge site during our 5th break up, y’know. I sent them to Kenny who sent them to Clyde who posted them on there as a joke. Totally wasn’t me.” Eric continued on with a sip of his drink. “Even if it was, they were really fucking nice, y’know? Got good ratings. Fucker shoulda been thankful for the attention.”
“You can leave behind all of these silly human regrets at any time, you can become an all powerful being capable of smiting this “Kyle”. Simply say the word and this life is yours.” Damien went on, furrowing his brow with annoyance.
“…Regrets?” Eric scoffed. “Oh. Yeah. I don’t regret a god damn thing. Shit was good. Sorry, I’m not actually interested in like, being emo or whatever. I’m mostly just kinda bored.” He shrugged.
Damien squinted at him, then sighed and scooted his chair away from the table to get up. “Very well. I will see you in 34 years, 3 months, 8 days, 4 hours, and 27 minutes.” He gave a dismissive wave of his hand as he walked away.
“…Is that when the next one is? Damn they plan this shit out ahead of time.” Eric squinted curiously at Damien.
Kyle rest his head against his arms on the table, staring at his three empty drink glasses. He closed his eyes and sighed, only to slowly open them as he heard one last person approach his table. He looked up at Eric, stunned, who looked back at him blankly. If he were any more cognizant he’d wonder if Eric had somehow stalked his social media posts to find him here, but, that didn’t matter right now.
Eric looked him up and down silently, then tipped his head towards the door. “You…wanna…get outta here?” He suggested.
“Mm…yes… thank god.” Kyle huffed and got up to follow Eric out. “Despite...whatever, y’know, I’m honestly kinda glad you’re here. I don’t think I vibed with a single person here. This shit is lame.”
“Oh, yeah, same.” Eric snorted and wrapped an arm around Kyle. “It’s like nobody else in this trash ass town fuckin’ gets me.”