Chapter Text
Fill your heart with love today
Don't play the game of time
Things that happened in the past
Only happened in your Mind
Only in your Mind, ah forget your Mind
And you'll be free-yeah
Sat on the couch, besides Sirius, Remus aggressively bites his nails even though he knows, he knows, this day is going to be one of the most wonderful of his life. But this knowledge doesn’t ease the stress and the nervousness and the fear he feels.
Their meeting is at 11 a.m. and it’s only twenty past ten, if he doesn't distract his teeth from his finger, they won’t survive the day. He glances for the umpteenth time around their house, tidier than it ever been; all things that could be dangerous (everything) put away on the higher shelves or locked away in a closet. Now, everything is ready to welcome the biggest event of their life: their child.
When at 18 they finally got their first home together, they hadn’t even thought about having a child, but when Lily and James had Harry, they both started taking care of him, and felt a growing need in them that could only be filled by another people in their life. A few months after, they finally put words to their feelings, and decided to start the long journey they knew was going to be theirs.
Today, it’s been a little bit more than two years since Harry’s birth, and it’s finally their turns. The two last years has been a constant battle, won only thanks to Peter and his many contacts in the Ministry.
During long months nothing happened at all, but against all odds, three months ago a letter has been dropped off on their living room table, telling them that they were great chances on their side and that the child they spotted would most certainly be theirs. It was a two-year girl, who’s just been bitten by a werewolf, and who had survived by miracle, given her size and her age. For once, Remus’s lycanthropy, which has always been a drag in his life, has become his major asset.
All their friends had certified they were able to take care of a child, the most important testimony certainly being the one of Marlene, who has become a Mediwitch and has worked for the past five years on accepting werewolf in the wizard society. Peter also has been very helpful as well as the friends he has makes who had met the two men.
It was a complicated case, so the Ministry of Magic had had the last word. When they had learned that, they lost all their hope. None of them expected good news when the letter from the ministry was received. All their friends were with them, getting prepared for the disappointment they were sure was going to flood them.
Remus can still remember the way he has thought his heart was stopping working when he has read and read over and over the words on the paper. Even if the letter is pinned on their fridge, it’s been three months that he still can’t convince himself that it’s really happening.
Yet, the Ministry has played with the muggle papers, and today’s the day. Astrid is going to be theirs, their child. Even if fear has been shocking them for days, for months, Remus knows he and Sirius couldn’t be happier than they are today. He is so happy, he doesn’t know how to contain the feeling that is spreading within his chest.
Suddenly, Remus can’t stand the void between them, so he doesn’t fight the urge to grab Sirius’s hand.
"I’m scared as fuck Pads…" he confided in a whisper.
"Yeah, I know," Sirius’s grip on his fingers became firmer, "It’s been so long. I still can’t believe it’s happening."
He doesn’t answer because there is nothing to say really. They don’t need to talk any more to understand what the other means and to know they share the same feeling. He let his thoughts free themselves, and he began talking in a rush.
"All this waiting is what kills me the most. Why eleven and not ten? Why… why today and not a month ago? No one there cares about her. No one ever cares about werewolves. They just fear her."
The silence knocks them down once again. They’ve been ready for hours, for years. After what feels like a dozen of eternity, it’s finally ten to eleven. They share a long look before standing and going outside to finally apparate in front of St. Mungo.
They don’t need help to find their way because they’ve already learned it when the wait was too much for them.
The room they enter is filled with sleeping newborn babies, except for one older baby, silent even though she’s wide awake, playing with her feet with big interest. Despite the scar crossing from the base of her neck to her ear, Remus knows that everything he has found beautiful in his life won’t surpass the beauty of his daughter. Even so he’s never seen her before, he’s sure it can only be her. He turns his head to Sirius and a little voice in his head tells him that his previous statement might not be totally correct because he still found his fiancé as breathtaking has ever.
"She’s so pretty Moons... how is it even possible?"
"I don’t know…"
They lost themselves so much in the contemplation of their girl that they both jump when a feminine voice calls them.
"Are you Remus Lupin and Sirius Black?"
They turn around in unison to discover a middle aged Mediwitch looking at them with judgement.
"Yeah! Erm, yes that’s it, that’s us."
The look she gave them make Remus feels like an impressionable child again, and he knows that at his side, Sirius must have a look of defiance painted on his face.
The door opens again, making all the babies move in their sleep. When it closes, they see a breathless Marlene addressing them in a smile.
"I’m here, I’m here, sorry I’m late!"
The older witch glared at her with mistrust.
"What are you doing here?"
"I’m Marlene McKin-"
"I know who you are! Why are you here?"
Her tone is as dry as an Australian desert.
"I work in the long-term magic condition, specialized in lycanthropy, and the pretty little girl who will be adopted today is suffering from it."
She snorts witch disgust, but doesn’t add anything. She walks straight to Astrid and grabs her. Few seconds ago, she was smiling to her feet, who were definitely very interesting, but when she realises she’s not in her bed any more her face starts to change.
"She’s crying? Isn’t she crying? Why is she?" Exclaimed Remus.
"I’ve woken her, she’s upset," the Mediwitch talked slowly, as if he was dumb, "it’s nothing, baby cries, even men should know that."
Anger floods so quickly through Remus that he thinks he could’ve hit her if she wasn’t carrying his child.
"She was already awake" continued Sirius, "and she wasn’t crying!"
Before any of them can talk again, Marlene went at the side of her colleague.
"Can I?" She offers, while holding out her arms.
As before, the Mediwitch stays silent except for a snort, but she gives Marlene the baby anyway.
"Here, here little one, look you’re safe, it’s the same place as before. You recognize me, right? I’m Marls, I’ve healed you, I’m here for you, it’s gonna be okay alright?"
She calmly lulls her, and Astrid stops crying under the worried gaze of her fathers. They don’t make a gesture before everything is as calm as it was when they had arrived. Eventually, Marlene talks again.
"We’re going to my office, we’ve got a few papers to sign. You heard that, Astrid? Don’t be scared, we’re moving."
The three of them followed Marlene to a little but warm office.
"Sit please," she says with a smile after appearing two new seats and another baby one.
She sits Astrid in her while gently talking to her.
"I know you don’t like to be held down but it’s for your safety, I swear darling. You’ll be free in no time, you trust me?"
Remus’s not sure he understands what Marlene is telling, but he prefers acting like he doesn’t because what he thinks he’s hearing scares him to the gut, and just sensing the air around Sirius, he knows he feels the same.
But now isn’t the time. They are here to sign papers and they will do it because they both feel it in their core that this child is destined to be theirs, and they are just a few steps away from getting it officially.
"Everything’s done."
Remus can’t help the smile that spreads through his face.
"We’ll just have to escort you to your house, to verify everything is in order for a child to live here. Olivia and I will just give the paper to the reception, you can talk with her while we’re gone. Meet her, things like that."
"Alright, thanks," he says, voice weak with emotions.
The two Mediwitchs disappear, leaving the new family together. Remus gathers all the courage he has in him and goes to Astrid who watches them with wide eyes.
"Hello Astrid…" he crouches to be eye level with her, "I don’t know if Marls told you about us?"
Her little head tilt on the side.
"I’m Remus Lupin, and the pretty man behind me is Sirius Black. We are… your…"
Saying it out loud feels like a dream becoming reality.
"We are your new parents. You are going to live with us if you are ok with this? We both already know that you’re a werewolf. You know, when you transform, the night?"
He sees fear in her eyes.
"I’ve got the same thing! At the same time as you, from now on, you will never be alone when it will happen. And it’s a super-secret, but Sirius can also transform into a dog whenever he wants to, and when our transformation happens, he is here to help us. When he’s here, everything’s alright."
He stops talking for an instant to dive into the blue eyes of Astrid. He feels the presence of Sirius behind him, who walks towards them and crouches too.
"Hi Astrid, I’m Sirius, as Remus said…"
He stops to control the way is voice waves.
"I’m so happy to be your father, you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever met. The most wonderful too. Do you know that? We’re going to love you so so so much Puppy, I promise you, you’ll be the happiest child alive."
She watches them with her big eyes, not making a sound. She seems to judge them, until a smile spreads on her round little face and she stretches her little arms towards them. Remus’s heart melts as she grabs both their fingers in her tiny hands.
They stay like that for what feels both like eternity and not enough time. Their little bubble explodes when the door opens. She let go of their fingers immediately and her smiles flatters.
"How’s it going?", asks Marlene with a gentle smile, quickly followed by the other witch.
"Lovely," says Remus with a fond grin, "she’s lovely, she even grated us with a wonderful smile just before you two arrived."
"That’s perfect! See miss, I told you your parents were going to be perfect, haven’t I?"
They look at her gently before being interrupted by Olivia, again.
"Why do you always talk to her as she understands what you are saying?"
"Because she does!" Exclaims Marlene.
"Of course not, it’s a baby, why do you think we don’t talk to them?"
"It helps their brains develops, and SHE is a growing child, she needs people to respect her."
"That’s utter bullshit, your generation is not going to succeed in anything if you believe in this nonsense."
"Let’s just… talk about something else. We still must go to their house, and I have other things to do today, right?"
"Hmph."
She snorts again but she doesn’t object. An awkward silence settles then and is broke by Remus who asks if he can take Astrid in his arms for the apparition. They talk a little about where to apparate but he can’t focus on anything else than Astrid in his arms, the smile she shoots him, the heat of her little body against his chest. He talks gently to her, the hand that Sirius has put on his shoulder comforting him in the best possible way.
They apparate in front of the entrance door, except Olivia, since she didn’t know exactly where their house was, she had apparated a few houses apart.
They visit all the house and Remus keeps Astrid in his arms all along, telling her exactly what Sirius is telling the adults, making sure she knows she’s safe wherever she is in her house, with her parents. The four of them sign a last paper, saying that their house is great for a child, even though the old Mediwitch seems reluctant to do it.
Eventually they leave the house, and finally, they’re alone. Their family. Unfortunately, they aren’t even sat that someone knocks on the door. Sirius is the one to stand, and Remus stays in the living room.
"Marls? What are you doing here?" Heard Remus.
He almost misses her answer, but his wolf audition is enough to hear her voice through the outside wind.
"I’m sorry for bothering you, it’s just that I want to talk to you about Astrid…"
"Come in, they’re in the living room!"
"Thanks."
She waves her hand at them.
"So, I was saying, I want to talk about Astrid with you two, because with Olivia at our side… She’s just an ol’ b- Anyway. She doesn’t like werewolf, nor any other “hybrids”."
"I’m so surprised," scoffs Sirius.
"Yeah, I was just telling you to remove any doubts. Come sit!"
"Do you know it’s our house?" Interjects Remus.
She rolls her eyes and sit on the armchair while they sit on the couch, Astrid on his lap.
"We don’t know what happened to her before we have taken charge of her. She looks serious and she leans towards them, putting her elbows on her knees, all we know is that she almost never talks, it’s been more than two weeks that she is in my service, and she has talked like what... three times? She’s very discreet."
She wriggles in Remus’s arms.
"Yeah sweetie, it’s you I’m talking about, so that your dads can be the greatest."
She turned her head to the two men,
"She also doesn’t like feeling restrained, we think they put her…"
She stops to swallow, and Remus knows he’s not going to like what she is going to say.
"We think they put her… in a cage. During the full moons, and maybe before and after."
Bile rises up in his chest and he just wants the one who did that to her to endure the same things as her, without anyone explaining what is happening just so that they know what it’s like, but he can’t so he takes her in his arms, and he hugged her.
"It’s. Never. Gonna. Happens. Ever. Again. I promise. I promise you Pup’, you’ll never have to live that again, right?"
Tears of rage forms at the corner of his eyes as he puts her back on his laps. He puts a protective hand around her stomach, and she lets escape a little baby noise that makes Sirius and him escape an exclamation of adoration.
"I know it sound obvious, but you must take care of her. She needs to be comforted, that’s why you need to talk to her, whatever that big cow has said, she likes knowing what is going, and if she isn’t good, she will not cry loud like other babies, she cries really silently. You must be careful of her well-being, constantly."
"Right…"
"And, as you know the next full moon is in ten days, what are your plans?"
"Going to a forest with Pads, Prongs, Wormtail and Lily, as always. The wolf likes his pack, so if they all protect Astrid, there is no reason for him to attack her. If really, there is a problem, we will split, James and Lily would take care of her, and since Moony prefers Padfoot, he would try to occupy me with Wormtail helps."
"I guess it should do."
"Necessarily better than a fucking cage, growls Remus with anger."
He has realized that Sirius has became silent during the conversation, but he doesn’t really know why. He suspects that he’s diving into bad thoughts again.
"Of course, you’re right. Well, I absolutely need to go back to work. If you two need anything, we’re all here to help, don’t forget."
"Thanks a lot, Marls."
" ‘s nothing, it’s normal."
She quickly hugged them before leaving the house, seconds later, they heard the characteristic loud pop of apparition resonates in the street.
"Finally alone, Pup’," smiles Sirius.
They both look at her with love and the idolatry due to any child until Sirius asks, almost shyly :
"Can I… take her?"
"Oh! Yeah, of, of course! Go on!"
Remus feels bad for not having offered sooner.
"Here, Astrid, Papa wants to take you in his arms, you’re okay with it?"
She looked at them without any tears in her eyes, so Remus admits that she must be okay. Sirius holds his arms out, and press the toddler against his chest, holding her securely. The wave of love that Remus suddenly feels overwhelms him, and he sees the emotion that shakes Sirius in his core, but he knows he’s calming himself compared to a few minutes ago.
"I can’t find any words to tell you how much I love you and how proud I am to be your father… You’re the most perfect human being ever, I’m gonna spoilt you so much Pup’…"
Her fat baby hands move with happiness and grab Sirius's t-shirt with something that could almost be qualified as a laugh. However, their smiles fade instantly when they see the tears that starts to run on her cheeks. She even let out a sob that shatters Remus’s heart in a billion pieces.
"Remus, why is she crying? What I’m supposed to do?" his features are invaded by his worry.
"Calm down, just lull her! She’s maybe just hungry?" Tries Remus.
"No! Please, take her back…" Remus can’t ignore the tears that Sirius tries desperately to conceal.
"Alright…"
He starts singing a lullaby to her that his mother used to sang to him when he was younger. It seems magical, she stops crying and she even starts to fall asleep, her little head tugged into Remus’s side.
"I’m going to put her in her bed, you come with me?"
"Oh… no. Go, I will… do som-"
"It wasn’t up to a rebuff, Pads, says Remus in a stern tone."
Through his contain cry, a smile escapes him and without any other word, he follows Remus to their daughter bedroom. For a long time, they weren’t sure about what colours the walls should, they wanted something happy but not suffocating. They had finally opted for two sunny yellow walls, and the two others were a pretty baby pink. The bedroom had a big window that enlightened everything, and a light brown cot filled with teddies and smooth blankets.
He carefully deposits his daughter in it after she stops grabbing his t-shirt in her fists.
"To think she’s our daughter… It’s wonderful."
He catches the soft nod of Sirius, but he knows that he doesn't feel as good as he should. He is proving right only in a matter of seconds when the latter starts crying. He instantly leave the crib’s side to go to his lover.
"Love, what is happening?" Asks Remus with worry.
He traps Sirius’s hands between his own.
"How did I ever though I could be a good dad? How? I just hugged her, and she immediately starts crying! I should have known I could never be a good father with the family I had…"
"Euphemia and Fleamont would be vexed," tries Remus to chill the atmosphere.
"Don’t act like you don’t know what I mean!" He stops himself from shouting out loud at the last moment.
"She didn’t cry in your arms, but mine she did! I am the problem, I always has been, I always will be, I should NEVER had wanted a child, her life’s gonna be a hell, just because of how selfish I am! I’m a bad person, and I will hurt you both and… and no one will ever love me again…"
After that, he starts crying so uncontrollably in Remus’s arms that he can’t speak anymore.
"Sirius, stop it. You’re spiralling again. You listen to me, right?"
He nods against his shoulder.
"First of all, I love you. I love you, love you, and I will never stop no matter what. Second, if you ever hurt me or Astrid, I will not let it happen, nor anyone else. We will all be here to stop you from making mistakes. And most importantly, do you think that Euphemia, Fleamont, James, Lily, Regulus, Pete, Marls, Mary and me and so many other people would love you if you were a bad person? If we thought you were a bad person? Do you think we really would? I know that you fear yourself, but I will do everything that is in my power to convince you that you’re lying to yourself. You’re scared, and it’s normal. I am too but use this as a motivation to always do your best. Truly bad person never cares about hurting people. Even though it’s in your arms she has started crying, it could have happened to me too, if you had just lull her, I’m sure the result would have been the same. We’re gonna be okay."
Sirius just rest his head on Remus’s shoulder, silent tears wetting the material of his shirt.
"Can you look at me?"
"Y- yes…"
The sight of his blurry eyes makes Remus aches, but he hides it.
"Tell me that you’re believing me when I told you you’re a good person."
"I believe you…"
"You sure?" Asks Remus with suspicion.
"Not really, but I will try."
They smile to each other, the warmth of their pupils comforting them. They, then, turns their heads towards their crib, only to find Astrid standing, gripping the barrel of her bed and looking at them with her big blue eyes.
"Papa sad?"
For a moment they’re both so chocked that it’s their turn to be mute. Remus is the one to talk first.
"You talk? Oh my fu- god, you talk, oh please, do it again, that was perfect! Can you talk again for us, please?"
"Papa, sad?" She asks, worry contracting her baby features.
"No," says Sirius in a breath, "no, Papa’s happy, really really happy, Puppy. Never been so happy, to say the truth."
A smile breaks his face as he says this, coming nearer to her cot.
"You," she said with force while pointing her finger to Remus.
"Me? I’m feeling perfect too. You can call me Da. I’m your Da."
"Da?" She repeats after him, as if to verify she said it right.
"Yes, that’s it!" He can see the stars in Sirius’s eyes, and he knows he’s got the same one.
If someone just resolved all the wars on the earth, he wouldn’t be more excited than he is right now, hearing the sound of his daughter voice for the first time.
"Amamamam!"
"What? Pads, what is she saying?"
"I think… she’s hungry?"
"Oh! Yeah, that must be it, I’m going to warm her some mash, immediately! Bring her down while I do this!"
"What? Rem, Remus! I can’t do this, don’t leave me here alone!"
"You’re not alone, and you can do it, you’re her Papa!"
He told him that from the top of the stairs, letting them alone and for him to open a pot of carrot purée.
The way Sirius’s hand is put against the back of her head so that she doesn’t hurt it makes Remus’s stomach as warm as the mash he held in his hands.
They gently feed her her food, fawning over her every move and sound, not bored a single second of the day. When they finally fall onto the couch, their daughter in her bed, they are both exhausted.
"Who knew taking care of a child could be so tiring? And it’s only our first day!"
"I honestly think James and Lils could have told us… and if we had kept Harry more often too."
"A godson and a daughter are ra-di-ca-lly opposed!"
"If you say so," laughs Remus while falling on Sirius’s laps.
"Hey, Moons," utters Sirius after a moment of gently stroking his hair, "do you think I should call Prongs? To tell him about our day?"
"Do what you want," Remus yawns as he sit back, "but I, am going to bed, and I want my goodnight kiss."
"Come here light of my night," he says with a smirk.
"You’re so cheesy," retorts Remus, but he can’t hide the smile that takes place on his lips.
Their kiss is sweet, and Remus feels the tension of the day evaporates when Sirius’s hand grabs his neck.
"Go to bed Moony, I don’t know how you’re still standing."
"Alright, alright, wake me up if you need something."
"Promise."
They share a tender look, and Remus climbs the stairs to their room, looking for a moment at his asleep child. He’s not even fully onto his bed that is already sleeping, every parcel of his body filled with pure joy and love.
Just remember
Lovers never lose
'Cause they are Free of thoughts unpure
And of thoughts unkind