Work Text:
It ends like this:
“I’m not leaving you, Beomgyu.” Across the table they’re sitting at, Soobin’s eyes shine with unshed tears. Beomgyu watches as he attempts a watery smile, watches as he fails. “It’s just-”
“I don’t want to hear it,” Beomgyu interrupts. “You’re not leaving me, but it’s over, right? You’ll still be in my life, just as a member and as a friend, right?”
Soobin reaches out across the table, wraps his hands around Beomgyu’s. Once upon a time the feeling was welcomed, comforting. Now, it just feels suffocating. Beomgyu pulls his hands out of Soobin’s grasp, ignores the hurt look that crosses Soobin’s face.
“I’m sorry,” Soobin says. “This is for the best, right?”
Beomgyu laughs, something full of anything but humour, something that sounds ugly to his own ears. “Yeah,” he says, shaking his head. “For the best.” He stands up, kicks his chair from behind him. It makes an awful, nails-down-a-chalkboard scratching sound on the floor. Beomgyu hardly pays it any mind as he stalks out of the dorm’s kitchen, back to his bedroom. He locks the door, finds his favourite headphones, and lays on the floor listening to music so loud it hurts.
He stays there, laying on the floor, as the sun sets and his room slowly starts becoming darker. He doesn’t turn on the light, doesn’t need it. At some point, he gets a text from Yeonjun, telling him they’ve ordered chicken for dinner, but he’s not hungry, so he turns his phone on do not disturb and ignores it.
It started like this:
Beomgyu was twenty one to Soobin’s twenty two. Beomgyu had been crushing on Soobin since the day they met. He confided as much to Yeonjun when he was nineteen, and Yeonjun told him that he should confess, told him that he thought Soobin felt the same, but Beomgyu was so afraid, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Two years later, he was still the same, still afraid of confessing and ruining everything they had. Things were comfortable the way they were. He didn’t want to ruin the group’s dynamic. He didn’t want to be forced to pretend things were normal in front of the fans if it didn’t go the way he wanted, the way Yeonjun was sure it would. He couldn’t imagine not having Soobin as his best friend anymore, not having him as the person he could annoy as much as he wanted, knowing that Soobin would always go along with his little games. He couldn’t imagine not being allowed to touch Soobin anymore, afraid of what it might imply in the face of rejection.
Beomgyu was twenty one and Soobin twenty two when Soobin knocked on his bedroom door.
“Yeah?” Beomgyu said, not turning away from the game he was playing.
Soobin entered Beomgyu’s room, closing the door again behind him. “Finish that round of your game,” Soobin said softly, taking a seat on Beomgyu’s bed.
An uneasy feeling settled in Beomgyu’s stomach, and through his nerves, with his hands shaking, his character died. Beomgyu took his time logging off and closing the game, trying to delay the inevitable. Soobin never entered his room like this, voice soft and door closed. He never waited for Beomgyu to finish his game before he started talking about whatever it was he had to say. This was something different, something important, and Beomgyu was scared he might know what it was.
Finally, Beomgyu turned his chair around to face Soobin. “Hey,” he said weakly.
“Hey,” Soobin replied with a small smile. It could very well all be in his head, but Beomgyu thought that smile was tinged with something. Maybe pity.
“I’m sorry,” Beomgyu whispered.
Soobin’s eyebrows shot up his forehead, his eyes wide. “What? What are you sorry about?”
Beomgyu looked at him for a moment, eyebrows furrowed. Soobin wasn’t mad at him? He hadn’t found out about his feelings and come to let him down easy, tell him that his feelings were a burden to the group and needed to be over?
“Oh,” Beomgyu said. “Nevermind. Um- why are you here?”
Soobin’s cheeks coloured. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”
Normally, Beomgyu would tease him. Because, yeah, duh, he wanted to talk about something. Soobin wouldn’t be sitting there on his bed, tension rolling off his body in waves, if he didn’t have something to talk about. However, it was because of the tension rolling off Soobin, because of the shy and uncomfortable way that he carried himself, that Beomgyu chose not to tease.
“Okay,” he said. “What’s up?”
Soobin’s cheeks, impossibly, coloured darker. His ears burned as Beomgyu watched in fascination.
“Um,” Soobin said, and then stopped, coughing into his hand. He stared at the floor and didn’t raise his eyes to look at Beomgyu as he continued. “Uh… Beomgyu. I came because I wanted- uh, shit, I…I didn’t think this would be so hard, um-”
“I like you, Soobin,” Beomgyu interrupted. He watched as Soobin’s head whipped up, eyes wide, staring at Beomgyu in awe.
Soobin’s eyes searched his face before he smiled the widest Beomgyu had ever seen. “I like you, too.”
Beomgyu grinned, walking over to his bed and punching Soobin in the shoulder. “I had a feeling that was what you were working yourself up to,” he admitted. Soobin crumpled like a paper doll into Beomgyu’s lap, and Beomgyu worked his fingers into Soobin’s hair as he continued, “I’ve liked you for a long time.”
“So have I,” Soobin mumbled, his voice muffled by Beomgyu’s thigh. “Too long. It’s embarrassing.”
Beomgyu laughed. “We’re idiots.”
“The biggest,” Soobin agreed.
Beomgyu continued carding his fingers through Soobin’s hair in silence for a while. Finally he spoke, his voice just above a whisper. “Would you like to be this big idiot’s boyfriend?”
Soobin turned to meet his eyes once again, a soft smile on his face. “Yeah,” he said. “Of course I would.”
It went like this:
They thought about keeping it a secret from the others, but decided after a week that doing so was simply too hard, and told them. Yeonjun and Taehyun cheered, while Kai was surprised. Yeonjun and Taehyun then proceeded to make fun of Kai for having no idea, while Beomgyu and Soobin watched with twin smiles on their faces.
And like this:
They went on dates, sometimes, to the movies or a cafe or for dinner. They could still do it because their managers didn’t know they were together, and had no reason to stop two friends from going out for the evening.
Even knowing that, their favourite dates were a night spent together at the dorms, usually in Beomgyu’s room, cuddling on his bed watching something on Netflix. It was easier that way, comfortable; they didn’t have to worry about being spotted, didn’t have to stop themselves from holding each other’s hands or sharing a kiss.
And like this:
Although they both told their parents eventually, Beomgyu told his parents first. They had known about his crush on Soobin since he was twenty, and had been telling him not to be afraid, that Soobin was a good boy who wouldn’t let their friendship take a hit even if he didn’t feel the same way.
So, when they finally got together, Beomgyu told his mother within the first month. She was over-the-moon ecstatic when he videocalled her, demanding to speak to Soobin, too. She called Beomgyu’s father over, who immediately gave Soobin the shovel talk as soon as he was filled in, but quickly followed it up by congratulating them both.
When Soobin told his own parents, they were much calmer than Beomgyu’s, congratulating them both without the threats that Beomgyu’s father had given.
(Until, of course, Beomgyu woke up the following morning to a long message from Soobin’s father. Beomgyu couldn’t keep the fond smile off his face as he read the menacing words).
It continued like this:
The longer they were together, the more Beomgyu realised how much he loved showing Soobin off. It was fun, in a way, to show off how beautiful Soobin was, to know that so many of their fans wanted him, but Soobin was all his.
It would be even better, he thought to himself, if he could mark Soobin up. Leave bites and bruises in places everyone could see, just to show the world that Soobin is claimed, that he’s well and truly his. He could never do this, of course, and he resigns himself to leaving small marks in places nobody else will see them.
He told Soobin this, one night. It slipped out whilst he was sitting in Soobin’s lap, both of their shirts discarded on the floor, sucking a spot into Soobin’s chest.
“Wanna mark you up,” he whined, pressing a soft kiss (with, unfortunately, absolutely no teeth) on Soobin’s neck.
“What?” Soobin asked, his voice breathy.
Beomgyu disregarded the question for the moment, more important things on his mind as he pressed his mouth against Soobin’s in a bruising kiss. Soobin kissed him back just as passionately, his arms moving to Beomgyu’s hips to pull him closer. They were both still in their jeans, never having gone further than making out yet, but the small amount of friction he got from being tugged forward felt beautiful and he moaned softly into Soobin’s mouth.
He pulled away, breathing heavy, and pressed his thumb against Soobin’s plump bottom lip.
“I said I want to mark you up. I wish I could make the world know you’re mine. You would look so pretty with bruises up and down your neck.” As if mesmerised by the thought, Beomgyu stared at Soobin’s neck, moved his thumb from Soobin’s lip to his jaw and dragged it down.
Soobin’s breath caught at Beomgyu’s stare, and his hands ever so slowly made their way forwards, until they rested just on top of the button of Beomgyu’s jeans.
“Can I?” He asked.
Beomgyu met his eyes, pupils blown, and saw the same hungry look reflected in Soobin’s.
“Please,” he whined. “Yes. Please.”
So Soobin did.
The beginning of the end went like this:
“You’re being more distant, lately,” Beomgyu said. He was curled up in bed, his head resting on Soobin’s chest. He heard Soobin’s heart rate pick up from where his ear pressed against his ribcage.
“What?” Soobin asked, running his fingers through Beomgyu’s hair.
Beomgyu sighed. “You’re being distant. You don’t talk to me about how you’re feeling anymore. Have I done something to upset you?”
Soobin removed his hand from Beomgyu’s hair, grabbing hold of Beomgyu’s hand instead. His hand felt warm against Beomgyu’s cold fingers.
“You haven’t upset me, Beomgyu. I’m sorry. I just- I don’t know. I don’t have anything to talk about, I guess. Isn’t that a good thing?”
And Beomgyu knew it was a lie. He knew that, as leader, Soobin was drowning in stress. Not only were they gearing up for a comeback, but Beomgyu knew Soobin’s tells. He could see the way Soobin had gone back to eating only one meal every day, filling up on water the rest of the day. He’d watched Soobin stare into space for over an hour, a small frown on his face, consumed with his thoughts. He knew Soobin, and he knew that Soobin was choosing not to tell him about his stress, and it was driving him crazy.
But he didn’t want to push. Soobin would tell him when he was ready to.
“Yeah,” he said. “I guess you’re right. I must be imagining issues.”
Soobin hummed. He kissed the top of Beomgyu’s head and then returned his hand to Beomgyu’s hair.
“Love you,” Soobin said.
“Yeah,” Beomgyu replied. “I love you too.”
And it continued like this:
“Happy one year,” Beomgyu said, handing Soobin a small box. Inside was a game that Soobin had been eyeing.
“Oh my god,” Soobin replied, looking at the box in his hands, eyes wide.
Beomgyu shuffled his feet. “Open it!” He said. “I know it’s not much, but you’ve been talking about it a lot lately, so I just thought…” He trailed off as Soobin continued to stare at the box, unmoving. “Soobin?”
Soobin finally drew his eyes away from the box, looking at Beomgyu. His eyes were red-rimmed and teary.
“Um,” Beomgyu chuckled. “I know it’s not as romantic as, like, flowers or something, but you can at least open the box before you get disappointed..?”
Soobin shook his head. “No, no,” he whispered. “No, Beomgyu, I’m sure your gift is lovely. Honest. It’s just- Oh my god. I forgot. I didn’t get you anything. I didn’t realise- How is it already…”
Beomgyu felt his heart drop to his feet. “Oh,” he replied. “No, Soobin, that’s okay. It’s stupid, anyway, anniversaries. Who even cares about those kinds of things these days, right?”
Soobin was crying, now, and Beomgyu was trying hard not to let tears well up in his own eyes as he took his turn staring at the box in Soobin’s hand. Stupid. He was so stupid, thinking that something like this mattered. In their lives, the days fly by. He could never blame Soobin for not remembering, for not paying attention to one day out of three hundred and sixty five that their anniversary happened to fall on.
“No, fuck, Beomgyu. I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I forgot. Shit. I’ll get you something tomorrow, I promise. I’m so, so sorry.”
Beomgyu shook his head. “It’s fine, Soobin. Honest. Enjoy your gift. I’m just- I’m gonna go to bed. Goodnight.”
“Beomgyu, wait,” Soobin called, grabbing hold of Beomgyu’s hand before he could walk out of Soobin’s room. “Please don’t go. I’m so fucking sorry. Let me make it up to you.”
Beomgyu sighed. “Don’t worry about-”
“We don’t have schedules for a week,” Soobin interrupted. “You could- I mean. Y’know?”
Beomgyu did know. Because despite liking it as much as Beomgyu did, Soobin was always shy about asking Beomgyu to mark him. Usually, Beomgyu thought it was cute. His boyfriend was so cute, and he was all his, and Beomgyu loved him.
But at that moment?
“I’m not really in the mood, Soobin.”
“Oh.” Soobin dropped his hand. “Okay. Sorry. Have a good night, Beomgyu. Sleep well.”
And then, two weeks later, it ends.
It restarts like this:
They’ve been apart two months now, and it’s awkward. Beomgyu’s chest aches, he misses Soobin and he feels it inside of his ribs. It was hard, towards the end, but still, he feels incomplete. He doesn’t know how to act around Soobin, now that heartbreak has consumed him, so he avoids him as much as he can. He’s never alone with Soobin anymore, the other members make sure of it, and he’s so grateful towards them he could cry.
He didn’t tell his parents at first, too embarrassed. How does one tell their parents that the person they’ve been in love with for years has just dumped them? Has dumped them without ever giving them a proper reason as to why? It was hard, but eventually, he got past his embarrassment and told his mother. His father offered to make good on his threats, but Beomgyu laughed him off, told him not to say anything to Soobin, told him they’re still best friends. The last part felt like a lie, even if it wasn’t supposed to, and Beomgyu still finds himself feeling confused over it.
He doesn’t know what their relationship is supposed to be like anymore. They’re supposed to be best friends. Supposed to being the keywords, as Soobin keeps a distance that Beomgyu doesn’t have the courage to break. He’s the dumpee, how is he supposed to approach Soobin again? Act like they’re best friends and nothing has changed? He does his best in front of the cameras, in front of the fans who know nothing about their private lives. It feels fake, and he doesn’t know how to fix it. He hates it.
He dreams, sometimes. Dreams of the old days, of his lips and his teeth on Soobin’s soft neck. Of Soobin’s breathy moans as he sucks a dark bruise into his jaw. He hates it. He hates remembering the past, remembering how good he had it once, the things he’s lost and will never get again.
He dreams of other things too, and sometimes those are worse. Dreams featuring Soobin wrapping Beomgyu’s hands in his own, Soobin running his fingers through Beomgyu’s hair. Small, fond moments that tug at his heart, make him miss Soobin so much he forgets how to breathe.
He tries to forget those dreams when he wakes up, but the pain in his chest is slow to fade.
It’s just shy of three months after Soobin dumped him that Beomgyu finds himself once again confronted by Soobin alone in his bedroom, a scenario that feels eerily familiar and makes butterflies flutter around in his stomach.
“Can I help you?” He asks, watching as Soobin stands awkwardly in front of his closed bedroom door. He doesn’t sit on Beomgyu’s bed, this time, and Beomgyu is glad for it.
Soobin takes a deep breath, apparently working himself up to talk. Beomgyu watches him, watches the way he cracks his knuckles and shakes his fingers out.
“I know I hurt you,” Soobin says slowly. Beomgyu watches his face, seeing him think over every word before it leaves his mouth. “I know I did. I don’t want to hurt you again.” He steps closer to Beomgyu’s bed and Beomgyu watches him, making no move to stop him. As if motivated by the lack of argument from Beomgyu, Soobin continues closer until his legs press against Beomgyu’s bed frame. “I regret it, Beomgyu,” he says. “I was being stupid. I was afraid of hurting you, but all I did was hurt you more.”
“Yeah,” Beomgyu agrees. “You did. What were you expecting?”
Soobin shakes his head, crawling on top of Beomgyu’s bed. “I don’t know,” he admits. “I was scared. I was stressed out, and I was scared I was going to accidentally take it out on you, and instead of talking to you about it, I pushed you away. I’m sorry. I regret it more than I know how to say.”
“How am I supposed to trust you again?”
Soobin grabs hold of his hands. His hands are big and warm, just as Beomgyu remembered. He pulls Beomgyu forward until Beomgyu is sitting in his lap, just like old times.
“I don’t expect you to right away,” he replies softly. “I know you won’t. It’s okay. I don’t deserve your trust right now. But please, give me a chance to prove it to you. Okay?”
Beomgyu takes a deep breath. He looks into Soobin’s big, shiny eyes, and nods.
“Okay,” he breathes. “Alright.”
Soobin smiles, bright and happy, and Beomgyu finds himself smiling back.
His hands find their way to Soobin’s cheeks, and Beomgyu looks at him seriously.
“Soobin,” he says. Soobin looks at him, eyes wide. “I’m going to kiss you now. It’s June twenty-fifth. Don’t forget this time, okay?” He doesn’t give Soobin a chance to reply before he’s pressing their mouths together.
When they separate, Soobin is breathing hard. He has a hand on Beomgyu’s head, softly guiding it to his neck. “I won’t forget,” he whispers. “Never again.”
The next morning, they exit Beomgyu’s room together. When they enter the kitchen, Yeonjun lets out a loud laugh.
“Jesus, Soobin!” He exclaims. “Did you get attacked by an octopus last night? You two remember we’re supposed to go live tonight, right?”
Beomgyu had truly forgotten. He looks at Soobin, flushed red up to his ears, his neck covered in purple bruises.
“Oops,” Beomgyu shrugs. “Forgot.”