Chapter Text
Casey stood in front of Leonardo’s train car, anxious to come in. While his older version was always helpful, he felt a little weird when his former master was now around his age. Maybe it would have its benefits - Casey thought. Maybe it would be easier to relate to certain things when they’re at a similar life stage. Besides, it was still Sensei Leonardo, just younger. There was no reason to think this wouldn’t go well.
He lifted his fist and knocked on the door using a specific rhythm they came up with during the apocalypse to let each other know it was them. Which was stupid, of course, current Leonardo wouldn’t know it. Old habits die hard.
There was a sound of faint footsteps and then the door opened.
“Oh, hey Casey. Do you need anything?” Leo asked, chewing on a chocolate bar.
He looked so different than his future self. So much more relaxed in a blue oversized hoodie instead of battle gear. So much less scars. His own right arm, not one replaced by a prosthetic. He was much shorter and his face still held on to some baby fat, making it more round than in the future. Casey thought about how in his timeline his master would be fighting off the aliens for a few weeks already, and not cozying up underground while New York was welcoming its first snow.
Behind Leo, on his bed, was a ton of blankets, with a big lamp warming up the spot. Casey smiled to himself. In the apocalypse, they had to work pretty hard to keep the turtles warm in the winter. Master Donatello came up with those amazing warming suits that could be powered with either batteries or ninpo, so they could still be active and fighting even when it was freezing cold.
Currently, they were all just cozying up in hoodies and blankets, basking under artificial lamps. They were just teens, who for the most part spent the winter months reading comic books and skating, only going to the surface when they absolutely had to.
“Uh, yeah, Sensei… I mean. Leo. Listen, I’m sorry to ask but like. I don’t really know how to get testosterone when it’s not made for me by scientists in the resistance. So. Do you know where I could get some?”
Leo made a weird face. Casey didn’t know what it was, really. Something between confusion and surprise maybe?
Right, he didn’t come out to this Leo. While his Sensei was the first to know, this one… This one didn’t.
“Testosterone? Oh my god, were they pumping hormones into you so you could be stronger in the future? To fight? My god, Casey!” Leo now looked more upset, clearly creating his own terrible narrative.
Casey let out a nervous laugh. It was funny, but he still felt so stiff, asking for help in something so personal from someone who didn’t really know him.
“No, no! Please, I… It’s not like that. I want them, I… Well. I’m trans. So. Kinda. Kinda need them?”
Leo was clearly surprised by that confession, but it quickly turned into a smile. Casey felt the weight lift off his shoulders. It was absurd to be afraid of his reaction, seeing as it was one of the first things they had in common, and bonded over it.
“Well, first of all, thanks for telling me, I guess? Congratulations? I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say. It doesn’t really change anything. But like, I don’t really know about those things, so maybe we should see Donnie for help. He knows more about like, science and stuff, so he probably knows hormones too.”
Casey was a little confused. Why wouldn’t his Sensei know how to get hormones nowadays? Well, maybe it was because he was a turtle. He doubted you could get testosterone for mutant turtles at the doctor. Or at the vet, maybe.
But in the future, Leo was one of their best medics. Casey just sort of assumed it was always like this, but maybe medicine only became an interest of his later in life.
“Sorry. I just thought you would be the best person to ask,” Casey said as they made their way to Donnie’s lab. The corridors were cold, so Leo wrapped himself up in extra two blankets to keep warm.
“Why?” Leo asked with pure curiosity.
“Well, you know. Since you’re also trans and all.”
Leo stopped dead in his tracks, blankets falling to the floor.
“ I’m what?”
***
Casey was standing on the only chair that didn’t wobble. He was just tall enough at 8 years old to reach the ceiling that way. He had to stretch up and stand on his tiptoes, but this was important. He knew his mum wouldn’t ever have a problem with him being a boy. She loved him and he knew he could tell her he was a fish now and she would get him a tank. It was just the way she was. She would do anything to make him happy.
Casey sometimes wondered if she was the same before the apocalypse. He knew some things about her past, but she never really elaborated, promising to explain more when he’s a bit older. Uncle Mikey always said she was a force to be reckoned with in the past, but Casey didn’t know how it was different from the present. His mom was still a total badass and a war hero.
He made the banner last night, with a strip of old billboard he was hoarding for a special art project and paints made from bugs, just as master Michelangelo taught him. It was far from perfect, his education slowed down by the apocalypse, but he knew how to read and write enough to spell out “It’s a boy” in red chunky letters. He could have just told her, but this was more fun. Besides, she always told him to celebrate who he was.
So far, the world knew him as Cassandra Junior, but after today, no more. No more “smart girl”, “brave young lady” or “best daughter in the world”. It was gonna turn into “smart boy”, “brave young man” and “best son in the world.” And Casey was so excited to live like that.
He secured the banner by showing its corner into a little gap between the bricks. Not as good as tying it to a pipe as he did on the other side, but beggars can’t be choosers, and sewers weren’t the easiest place to decorate.
His mom should be back any minute. She was just doing a standard patrol, making sure the exits weren’t blocked and that the entrances weren’t compromised by the enemy. His mom was so cool, he thought. Keeping everyone safe. He wanted to be just like her when he grew up.
He sat on the old car tire that served as one of the two chairs in their tiny living space. Christmas lights stringed along the ceiling were the only source of light, making everything dim, but little Casey spent his whole life underground and was well-adapted to the dark. And the apocalypse made him really patient, often having to stay hidden and quiet for prolonged periods of time. So he waited for his mom. Waited and waited for gods know how long, without any clocks in the base or sunlight to measure the time of day.
It must have been a long time, cause he fell asleep just like he sat on the tire, head tilted back, arms crossed on his chest. He was woken by a gentle shake and a big, green, familiar hand on his shoulder.
“Hey. Hey Cassie. Hey, I need you to wake up, okay?” It was Uncle Leo. Casey blinked a few times.
“Oh, hi. Is my mom back yet? I need to talk to her.”
Leo looked away, avoiding Casey’s eyes. He looked around their part of the sewer, a dead end hidden behind the duck-adorned shower curtain, furnished with whatever they could find - mostly trash. His eyes stopped on the banner.
“Oh, buddy. You were gonna share something important with her, weren’t you?” he asked the child in a sad voice.
“Uh… Yeah. I wanted to tell her first, but I guess you spoiled the surprise for yourself. So yeah, if you wouldn’t mind calling me Casey now and not Cassie that would be cool. And please don’t tell anyone before I can tell Mom?” the boy wasn’t looking at his uncle, but he took his big hand in his own, playing with Leo’s long green fingers.
Leo sighed audibly, squeezing the little hand in his own.
“Casey, your mom won’t be coming back.”
“Oh, like she’s busy? That’s fine, I can wait.”
“No, no. Like. Look, I’m… I’m so sorry… I… She…” Leo was barely holding in his tears. Why was he the one they chose to break the news to the kid? It should have been Mikey. He was the best at it. Or Raph, at least. He had this natural talent for caring for people, especially kids.
They all lost a friend today, but the kid lost a mom. Oh god, and he was waiting for her to come home so he could come out to her.
“Listen, Casey… Gods,” Leo tried again, “Look. There was… Shit, I’m sorry. Shit! I swore! Sorry. Don’t listen to me. Just. Uh. Listen I am so sorry…”
The little boy holding onto his hand made a pouting face.
“Uncle Leo, you’re scaring me. Why are you sorry?”
“Your mom died, Casey.”
***
Donnie straight up laughed in his twin’s face when he heard the news.
His lab felt like a greenhouse on a hot summer day. It was so hot and humid that Casey could feel his sweat forming droplets all over his skin and slowly dripping down. For a moment, it felt like home. Master Donatello did the same in the future. All the turtles were sleeping in his lab so they could get the benefits of high temperatures in the winter.
“So you’re telling me,” Donnie finally caught his breath, “that for all those years, you didn’t know.”
“I am so confused right now!” wept Leo, throwing his hands in the sky, “Does it mean I’m a girl now?”
Donnie laughed again, while Casey stood in the corner mortified that he outed his mentor to himself.
“Leo, you laid eggs!”
“Y… Yeah? You were the one who told me it was a normal biological thing! And that was meant to stay just between us!” Leo sat on the floor, clearly in the middle of an existential crisis, only shooting Casey a nervous glance with the last sentence.
Donnie laughed again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It’s just that. Leo. I’m sorry, but are you an absolute idiot?”
Leo hid his face in his arms. “Yes?”
Donnie sighed, still slightly amused. “Well, it doesn’t really change anything for you, but, biologically speaking, you have always been a female.”
“What the actual fuck,” Leo whispered, “Donnie, how long have you known?”
“Since I went on that deep dive to figure out what kind of turtles we are?”
“Donnie, we were six then. Are you telling me that you have known for a decade and never thought about telling me?”
“I mean, you live in your body? You laid eggs. Just a reminder. How did you not know?”
“I never thought about it! I mean, we’re mutants, there are no Wikipedia pages on mutant puberty! And like, I’ve always been Leo! So like. I don’t know. Just like, what the fuck?”
“Language!” came a voice from the corridor, “What’s going on here?”
Raph stood in the doorframe, clearly amused at his brother's crisis on the floor. He took a step inside, taking off his jacket. “Wow, Don, can I get heating like that in my room? It’s amazing.”
“Sure, pal. Leo? Do you want to tell Raph or not?” Donnie left the overly complicated chair in front of his desk now, kneeling next to his twin. There was a change in the atmosphere. He wasn’t making fun of his brother anymore, instead approaching him with the kind of gentleness Casey recognized. It was rare for Master Donatello, so he could only assume it was also rare for present Donnie. It was the one reserved only for his twin.
Leo opened his arms to Donnie, waiting for the other to accept the hug. Donnie gave him a warm smile and enclosed him in his arms while mouthing “later” to their older brother, who just nodded and retreated back to the corridor, closing the door behind him.
Casey didn’t know what to do with himself. Gods, he made his Sensei so upset. And for what? Just so he could be comfortable? That was so selfish. And after Leonardo did so much for him, including a top surgery in the middle of the apocalypse. He was there every step of the way from the moment his mom died. He helped him understand himself better, trained him, took care of him and basically became his father figure.
Now, said father figure was crying in his brother’s arms, on the floor, blankets discarded next to them. Under the warmth of enormous heat lamps and with machines humming softly in the background, a teenage version of his Sensei was coming undone.
He thought about retreating quietly, but he knew the doors would make a sound and he didn’t want to draw any more attention to himself. Gods, he thought Leo knew. His master didn’t disclose his childhood too closely, but Casey assumed that with him using his name and his external expression, Leo was out for a long time now.
He certainly didn’t expect that his master just wasn’t aware of his biology.
***
Casey was eleven when he knocked on his Sensei’s door just before sunrise, crying and wrapped in a blanket.
“What happened? Are you hurt?” Leo asked, quickly shoving him inside his quarters. Casey spent a lot of nights there, but sometimes, like tonight, he would sleep at his own corner of the sewer base, where he used to reside with his mom.
“Sensei, I think I’m dying, I don’t know how it happened, but I’m bleeding out! I can’t see a wound, I checked, but it doesn’t look like there’s a wound and… and it doesn’t hurt, I mean, it hurts, but different! Not like a wound! Please, please, help me, I don’t want to die!” Casey rambled between sobs and hiccups, clearly terrified.
Leo quickly unwrapped the blanket and saw blood soaking through Casey’s pajama pants.
“Okay Casey, if it’s what I think it is, you’ll be fine. But I still want to check for injuries if it’s okay. Can you take your pants off for me?”
Casey nodded and took the pants off. Now Leo was certain it was just period.
The problem was, he didn’t have a lot of knowledge about periods.
“Casey, what’s happening is a perfectly normal, biological process of your body. You’re not dying. It might be uncomfortable, but it’s totally normal. It’s called a period and it’s a human thing. Gods, I wish your mom was here. Uh. Maybe I’ll call April. She will know how to deal with it better.”
“So you’re telling me that humans just randomly bleed out of their butts and no one warned me?”
Casey was right. Leo was trying to be as good of a caretaker as he could, but he was also a rebellion leader in the apocalypse. That didn’t sound like a good enough excuse, but educating his ward on human puberty just slipped his mind. Teaching him how to stitch a wound, filter water, or fight aliens seemed more important and way less uncomfortable than explaining hair growth, change of smell, and acne.
Leo really wasn’t prepared to have this conversation at 5:18 in the morning. If it was a wound, it would be simple - clean, stitch, bandage. This was a little more complicated. And awkward. Gods, for all his biology knowledge, he never thought to focus on that part.
“You got a few things wrong, buddy. First of all, It’s not really random, it’s gonna be happening every month and lasting for a few days.”
Casey’s lower lip trembled and he started crying even louder.
“I want my mom!”
Leo placed his hand on the kid’s back, gently tracing circles with his thumb in an attempt to calm him.
“I know buddy, I’m really sorry she’s not here. And I know she would prefer being here for you too. But I really think that April could help, you know. She’s a woman, she knows what it's like. She probably has something that could help, like a pad or a tampon. Why won’t we go get her?”
Little Casey just nodded, sniffling quietly and wrapping the blanket around himself again. The stained pajamas were left on the floor.
They were walking through the corridors, empty at this time of the day. It was the middle of summer and while Casey couldn’t know it, not really going to the surface, being underground provided them great protection from the heat. He held on to his mentor’s hand, still trying to stop crying.
“Sensei?” he asked quietly, “Why does it matter that April is a woman? Couldn’t any of the humans who are already up help us?”
Leo sighed. “You see, not all humans get periods. Only about a half.”
“What?” Casey got all outraged. It was pretty cute, Leo thought. “So why do I have to get them? This is so unfair!”
“Yeah, it is. But it’s also nature. If you have… Well, you know how men and women are different, right? Like Bob from the morning patrol is taller than his wife, has more hair, and deeper voice?”
Casey nodded.
“So, humans are also different on the inside. They have different organs. It’s so they can make babies and all. And if you have a uterus, like you and April, it’s most likely that you will get a period,” Leo tried explaining to the best of his ability, but it was still so early in the morning and frankly, he wasn’t the best equipped for the job.
“Does Bob have a uterus?”
“I don’t think so. See, most humans are… Well, so there are men and women, right? And women are usually the ones to get their periods, cause they have uteruses.”
Casey made a disgusted face “That makes no sense, I’m not a woman, so why do I have one?”
Leo sighed again. From the day Cassandra died, he knew he would probably be the one to guide her kid through all this complicated identity stuff. Again, he wasn’t the best for the job, but there weren’t many volunteers.
“Sometimes our bodies don’t really match our brains, you know. Like mine. See my plastron? It’s more flat than curved. I’m also taller than I would be if I were born with a male body like my brothers. It’s more subtle in turtles, so for many years, I didn’t even realize I was trans. When you were born, we just assumed you were a girl because of how your body is. We were wrong, but that doesn’t change your body. It might upset you, but now that you’re getting older, there will be some changes that might make people think you are a girl if they don’t know you. It’s unfair, but that’s how your body is and we’ll just deal with it one thing at a time, like for now, we’ll teach you how to deal with periods. It’s gonna be fine, buddy.”
Casey nodded again. He was calmer now, but his little hand was still holding onto his blanket so hard, his knuckles were white. He was more serious now and Leonardo just hoped the rest of the morning was gonna go better.
They finally arrived at April’s door. Leo cringed internally knowing that she doesn’t like to be woken up, but it was for Casey. She would get it. He knocked, first lightly, then a little harder. There were some sounds on the other side of the door.
“Is it a good time to tell you I think I have an alien growing inside my chest?” asked Casey just as April opened the door.
This was going to be a long talk.
***
Leo was sitting on a bed in the med bay while Donnie was running some tests on Casey’s blood. He was still very confused about the fact that he was, in fact, born a female turtle.
His twin provided him with some reading material on sexual dimorphism in turtles and Leo had to admit it made sense. On paper. Why didn’t it ever click?
He thought that the differences between him and his brothers were just caused by the fact they were different species. Like how Donnie’s shell was soft, Raph’s was spiky, and his came with a flat plastron. Normal differences between normal brothers. He didn’t understand how he hadn’t noticed before. Granted, there wasn’t a big frame of reference for turtle-human mutants and he was never into biology, but Donnie could have told him. Donnie knew! And his arguments were meaningless. How was Leo supposed to know that male turtles don’t just randomly lay eggs?
Stupid biology and stupid body. Did they all know? Or just Donnie? Gods, did Splinter know? Did his dad do it on purpose so he could have a matching set of sons, without a daughter that would stick out like a sore thumb?
But it didn’t change anything. Leo knew he wasn’t a girl. At his core, he was Leo, and no amount of stupid books on stupid anatomy would change that.
He grunted and threw some of said anatomy books at the wall in front of him. That caught the attention of Casey and Donnie.
“Sensei, I really am so sorry. I just thought… I mean, you were pretty open about it in the future. And you helped me so much. And I just didn’t think… I am so, so sorry,” Casey rambled from his bed, turning towards him, “Really, the last thing I would ever want is to upset you.”
“Not your fault,” Leo just said, sighing deeply, “what are you checking for anyway, Don-Don?”
Donnie turned to him, vile of blood still in his hands.
“Oh, you know, basic stuff. Hormones and all. I can’t be sure what exactly was he taking or if it was any good, so I need to know before we can get him some more.”
“Do I need to take testosterone too?” Leo asked quietly, looking at the floor.
He sounded so small Donnie’s heart ached. If he realized earlier how his twin would feel about this whole thing, he would have confirmed the news in a gentler manner.
“Well, that depends. Do you want it?” Donnie asked calmly, continuing his tasks. He handed Casey a small, transparent container. “Can you please go pee in that? If I’m already doing your blood, I’m doing a full package.”
Casey gave him a nod and left the lab. Donnie hoped it would take him a while. He needed to talk to his brother.
“Leo, look at me,” he said, turning to his twin, “Leonardo, look at me.”
Of course, when the red slider looked up, his eyes were all glossy. Gods, he was about to cry and Donnie wasn’t the best at handling it.
“The truth is, nothing is changing for you. Nothing has to. You don’t need to go on hormones, hell, you don’t even have to tell anyone. Only me and Casey know and we knew already, so it’s really not a big deal. You’re my brother just like you’ve always been. Well, unless you actually feel like a girl, but since future you…”
“I don’t,” Leo sniffled, “I’m not a girl. I’m not!”
“Yeah, that's what I’m saying, idiot. Nothing has to change. If you want, I’ll talk to Casey and we will never speak of that again.”
Leo went quiet for a bit, considering what to do. On one hand, it would be so easy to pretend this whole ordeal just didn’t happen. On the other, Casey would be so disappointed if it was one less thing in common he had with his future, cooler self.
He still didn’t know how to feel. Donnie said it didn’t change anything, and yet his life felt completely flipped on his head. Everything he had believed about himself was suddenly different. It was weird. He wasn’t sad, angry or upset about it. It was simly just… shocking. There wasn’t really a way he could process it if he just kept it inside.
“I guess I’ll just have to accept the fact that I, Leonardo Hamato, am, in fact, trans,” he said, defeated.
“You’re what?” came a yelp from the door.
Mikey was standing there with a nasty cut on his arm, blood dripping on the floor as his mouth stayed open for a comically long amount of time.
Well, so now there are no takebacks on taking the ignoring path instead.
***
“Young man, for how many hours have you been wearing that binder?” Leo asked sternly while he was bandaging Casey’s arm after a close call with the Krang.
The boy was 16 already. Half his life he spent under Leonardo’s care. For a few months now Casey was going to the surface for patrols and simple, relatively safe missions. With training being one of the only available pastimes in the apocalypse, the teen was prepared pretty well. But today, they’ve lost another ally, didn't get the supplies they hoped for and Casey came back hurt.
It was no one’s fault, really. The Krang were evil and they apparently had no issues staking out locations and then attacking children, killing one in the process. Leo was only glad his ward wasn’t too close with the girl. Losing an ally hurt, losing anyone hurt, but at least it wasn’t his close friend or anything. That would be harder.
“Not too long. I put in on after I woke up.”
“I know your tricks, Junior. When did you last sleep?”
Silence.
“When did you last sleep, Casey?” Leo asked again. He could tell he wouldn’t like the answer.
“I took like a nap for two hours yesterday afternoon.”
“And before that? A full night's sleep, 8 hours, like growing boys should?”
Casey closed his eyes and cringed. “Monday.”
Leo lightly slapped the back of his head. “It’s Friday, you moron.”
Maybe it was his fault. Maybe he should pay more attention to the teen. It was a difficult time, being 16, no matter if you were raised in the apocalypse or if it started when you were that age.
But with two of his brothers gone, most recently his twin just three months ago, the resistance getting weaker and weaker, and the lack of sleep and proper food, Leo was tired. He worried constantly and could feel how much it was destroying his body. The stress was getting to him, and so was his age. Being almost 40 was no walk in the park.
“So not only are you not sleeping, but you are also wearing your binder for way longer than we agreed upon. In a day, you get 8 hours of wearing it, 8 hours of sleep, and 8 hours of whatever. I get it Casey, I do, but really, no one will care if you have a little bump on your chest. They are too busy with, you know, alien invasion and stuff.”
“I’m not doing it for anyone but myself!” Casey growled, taking away the arm that Leo was bandaging, “I know you don’t really get dysphoria, but I do. It’s different for me. And if I don’t wear my binder, I just feel… I don’t know! Disgusting? Wrong? Just wrong, Sensei! I know it’s bad to wear it for so long, but it’s not like I have any other choice!”
Leo looked at the teen with compassion. It was true, he couldn’t fully relate to Casey’s struggles, but he needed to do something. No way his ward was gonna walk around with easily avoidable bruises on his ribs.
“What about a surgery?” A thought popped into Leo’s head. Donnie was planning on doing it before he died. With his notes and experience, Leo got while being their main medic, it should be doable.
“Sensei, I can’t. First of all, who’s gonna do this? Second of all, even if we would found someone like that, the recovery period would be way too long. I can’t be out of commission for that long, we’re at war and we don’t have many people left!”
Leo just smiled. He guessed growing up around him and his family would turn anyone into a self-sacrificial idiot.
“I’ll do it, Case. I’m confident that I can. Maybe the scars won’t be as good looking as they could, but you wouldn’t have to wear a binder anymore. Honestly, you would be doing me a favor - I wouldn’t have to worry about either you wearing it for too long or going to the surface and putting yourself in danger. The offer stands, you can thing about it.”
Leo turned around, ready to go take care of other issues that needed it. There were always so many.
“Sensei?” came a quiet voice from behind him, “Can I hug you?”
***
Leo heard a light knock on his door. He shouted that whoever it was, they could come in, but nobody entered. Hoping it wasn’t just another stupid prank, he got up from his bed and opened the door.
No one was there. But on the threshold laid a small gift bag. Carefully, still not convinced his brothers weren’t recording from the shadows and that it wasn’t a glitter bomb or anything like that, he opened it. When nothing landed on his face, he looked inside. A piece of material of some kind. And a card.
He wasn’t the patient kind when it came to gifts, so he took out the material forgetting the note for now. It was a big flag in three colors - blue, pink, and white. Leo knew exactly what it was and he didn’t know if his brothers were mocking him for being an idiot and not realizing it or if it was meant as a gesture of support.
Upon reading the card, he decided on the second option. Signed by Doctor Feelings, the card stated that his office was always open. Just that. And a post scriptum about how Mikey loved and supported him.
He might just pay Doctor Feelings a visit.