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I Wanna Feel Again

Summary:

Deep down in his chest, in a part of his heart that has never been truly acknowledged, Rei is glad it hurts. He’s glad it’s painful. It feels like a penance. He focuses on the searing pain radiating from his shoulder, up his neck and down his arm, and he tells himself it's what someone like him deserves.

He put the only people he’s ever cared about in danger. He thinks he probably deserves worse.

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Rei leaves his father's house with a brand new injury, and Kazuki is now playing doctor, therapist, and partner.

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Author recommends listening to the I Am The Dog album by Sir Chloe before/while reading. A lot of the vibes in this piece are based on it.

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semi-hiatus because Author ran out of hyperfixation juice on this one LMAO

Notes:

Author has never been shot, sorry for any inconsistencies. Google was surprisingly little help with this. Be warned that this fic will deal with mentions of abusive familial relationships, disassociation, trauma, and learning that feelings are allowed.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: Something Violent

Chapter Text

If the Suwa blood truly ran in his veins, Rei just bled it out.

He'd certainly lost quite a bit of it.  You can only be so strategic with self-inflicted bullet wounds, especially mid-argument while proving a point.  The pain hadn't kicked in yet, his body still buzzing with adrenaline and shock as he dragged himself out of the mansion he was raised in.

Kazuki waited for him outside, leaning on the car.  Rei wondered if his partner expected him to do something so drastic.  Judging by the reaction, he guessed not.

"Hey, dude-- Rei! Your shoulde--" Kazuki took a step forward towards the bloodied assassin.

"Don't worry about it."  Rei interrupted, waving him off with his good hand.  "I did it to myself."

It took a moment for it to register in Kazuki's brain, his outstretched hand falling to his side.  "You...You did it to yourself.  You did it to yourself?!"  His tone quickly changed from blind acceptance to sheer disbelief.  "What the hell were you thinking?"

Rei shrugged as best he could, sidling past him towards the passenger side door.  Kazuki turned to watch him incredulously for a moment before sighing defeatedly and getting into the driver's seat.  He shot Rei another look as he sat down, biting back any remarks.  They wouldn't do any good now.  

The drive back to the apartment was silent, aside from Rei's unusually labored breathing.  By the time they got back to the apartment, he was sucking in shallow, uneven breaths, and he barely seemed to process that he was back home.  Thankfully, his hand was still pressed firmly against his shoulder, but Kazuki knew that he had lost a lot of blood.  Rei was either in shock, disassociating, or was just woozy from blood loss.  Probably all three.

"Rei."

"...hm?"

Kazuki was standing above him, car door open, waiting for a response.  When did he get there?

"We gotta get you inside.  Can you stand?"

After a great deal of stumbling and swaying, Kazuki managed to help Rei into the house, up the stairs, and into the bathroom.  

"Careful sitting dow-" Rei ignored any warnings and promptly collapsed onto the floor against the bathtub.  His head immediately lolled back onto the porcelain, eyes unfocused and glassy.  "--down.  Alright."

Kazuki slowly knelt next to his partner, trying not to spook him with any sudden movements.  God knows they didn't need his blood pumping any faster.  He had the first aid box they kept above the sink, filled with more than the normal supplies.  "Gonna take these off, okay?"  It was less of a question, more of a warning as he pulled the suit jacket down off Rei's shoulders.  The large red bloom of blood on the previously crisp white dress shirt made Kazuki pale.  

"Shit, what were you thinking?"  He mumbled, mostly to himself.

"'m useless now.  They won't hurt you."  The words were quiet and slurred, but they made Kazuki choke on his breath.

Useless?   He shoved the arguments aside -- right now, he needed to stop the bleeding.  It wasn't the time to fight over anyone's personal value.

He opened the med kit, pulled out a pair of scissors, and used them to cut the bloodied button down in a few places to make the removal as painless as possible.  The good news was that Rei's bullet wasn't a huge caliber, and that given the circumstances, his placement was better than it could have been.  The bad news was that it was still a fucking bullet hole , and the shoulder is not a prime location to be shot.  

Kazuki sighed.  Time to play doctor.