Chapter Text
It was a nice night,the moon was shining in the sky along with all the other stars, no clouds were in sight and Crickets rumored everywhere, but this shouldn't deceive you, evil forces are always lurking and waiting to do evil.
At the edge of an English cemetery two demons, Hastor and Ligur emerged from the dirt, the second had a picnic basket in his hand, with inside a newborn, that was not just "a child" but was The Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Prince of this World and Lord of Darkness, also known as the antichrist.
Now if you could have watched The Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Prince of this World and Lord of Darkness in that moment, he seemed a harmless little human with nice little fingers, no horns or hooves, wrapped in a light blue blanket, but inside him stood the power of the demon highest in the hierarchy : Satan king of demons, first fallen, master of torture and temptation, who was his father.
:- where is he? - Ligur said - he should have been already here!
:-i know, but he likes to make everyone await!
An old black car, really difficult to spot in the dark, stopped in the driveway, a sassy demon dressed all in black and with red hair stepped out.
He could detect a putrid smell coming from the demons, the smell of someone that stood in hell too long. He hated them.
Meanwhile they could smell the nice aroma of woman purfume, watched his car, and understood that he has been on earth for too long. They hated him.
:- hail Satan - greeted him Ligur.
:- hail Satan - risponde the other two almost at the same time.
:- now that we are all here - Exclaimed Hastur- we should discuss our achievement! Today I tempted a nun, she was walking in the street and felt the desire for the lips of a beautiful man that was passing near her. She could have been a saint, in ten years she will be ours! - said Hastur
:- I tempted a mother into shouting at her child, telling her that one time will not harm anyone! In one year she will be our, and we also plant the bad seed in her child! What have you done Crowley?
The red haired giggled, proud of his mischief, like a kid is proud of his kindergarten drawing :- This evening I caused trouble on the telephonic lines of all London…Can-
:-how this will assure souls to our masters? - Hastur interrupted him
:- I can see that you don't know how humans work! Imagine all the inhabitants of the city angry with the world, because their phones don't work! Wrath is or is not our master's favorite ? I know for certain that my work is! - Crowley had the idea that you need to work smart in life, not hard, big inconvenience that made a lot of people angry, that was the kind of trouble he liked to commit, not like the other demons that stayed old style tempting one person at the time.
:- Yes, yes whatever you say! We have a work for you directly by our master! - the duke of hell said taking the basket from the hands of Ligur that Offered to him.
Crowley got handed the basket, he gulped, feeling inside a weak diabolic energy.
:- is it… ? - he asked, trying not to sound frightened.
:-Yes - Hastur cutted him up.
:- why now, why me? - he asked.
:- because your work is our master's favorite, isn't it? - Hastur hissed at him with immense pleasure. - anyway don't sound so sad! Ligur would give an arm to be in your place!
;-someone else's - he pointed out.
:- what do I have to do with it? - the red head demon asked, impatient to go away as fast as he could from the 2.
:- you will receive instructions. - Ligur responded
:- mhhh, ok! - he said heading to his car, with the kid- Goodbye, farewell, ciao! - he entered the car and sped away.
:- what is ciao? - Ligur asked.
:- its an Italian word, I think it stands for food!
The other demon Nodded, but after some minutes of silence he asked :- do we trust him?
:-not in the slightest! - Hastur answered.
Ligur thought that was cool, where in the world demons go around trusting each other?
Inside the car that got away, someone was fuming, Crowley didn't want the Armageddon, but had to do this work.
Killing the kid unfortunately was out of the table, at the floors below someone would have noticed.
He was thinking about a strategy when from his radio, that was singing a queen song, a voice spoke :- Good evening Crowley! Nice night isn't it?
:-my master- he responded, mentally Cursing Satan's name - I'm flattered that you decided to give me the kid! It's an honor!
:- after centuries of good work, it's the least I could do for you! You served me so well!
:- I'm sorry to interrupt you, my master, but I'm waiting for information on what to do next!
:-oh yes, here they are! - from the radio a dense smoke was going out, smoke that got absorbed by the eyes of Crowley. - Goodbye dear, we see each other at Armageddon! - Satan said, the radio Came back to sound normal.
:- fuck - he said in response.
As Freddie was singing, an idea that he thought to be brilliant hited him, Raise the kid in a way that made him fall in love with the world, so that he didn't want to change anything, and if he doesn't want change, he can't start the end of times.if that didn't work he could still kill the kid and pin it on the Angels, but that was the last thing he wanted to do, killing a child I mean, not putting them in trouble. He knew a guy that could help him execute his plan, but before he had to charm the nuns to make them think they had delivered the kid to his new home.
He drove to a nearby convent of the chattering order of st. Beryl, that was full of satanic nuns and that was also a hospital.
Now here starts the fun part,do You know I love card games?
There is a game made with 3 cards that it's really difficult to follow, we can say that in a certain measure it's the same style, just that the cards are kids and The stakes are higher than a few pieces of paper with a value written on.
In the hospital 2 women were giving birth, one was Harriet, the wife of an American diplomat, and the other, who got in anticipated labor of a few days, was Deirdre Young, a common English woman.
Their children were very normal ( and almost out as the time the demon pulled up) , little light hair, normal size, they were so similar that their mother could handle the child of the other without noticing.
The Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Prince of this World and Lord of Darkness, was supposed to be exchanged with Harriet's newborn, and he had the same aspect as the other two humans .
So we can say that one card is kid A, Harriet's child, the other kid B, the Young's, and the Adversary is the last, card C.
As Crowley was pulling up in the entrance, he thought if it was the case to bring the child with him, or if he could just bring an empty basket, make a miracle and slink away, but then he said to himself "the nuns literally adore his father they will surely want to see him, I have to bring him with me".
That has been his first mistake, not the deduction, that was right, but letting the kid be handled by the nuns will cause the demon and his angel friend a lot of trouble in the future.
He parked in front of the convent.
:- you left the light on! - A man said to him once he stepped out.
He gave the human the most annoyed glance and with a snap of fingers the lights were off.
:- wow! - Arthur Young said - what kind of Technology is it?
Crowley completely ignored him and entered the doors.
:- these doctors! Such in a hurry! - he Murmured Returning to smoke his pipe.
The demon tried to recall what to do, he had to find The superior, miracle her and all the other nuns that were in Harriet's delivery room and leave the mother with her child, easy easy!
:-master Crowley!- he was called, plans are so good in idea but never take into account the destructive human factor.
Now look carefully at how the card shuffles. The red head tried to mask his intentions as best as he could :- hi -
:- it's the kid inside? - the nun asked, all excited, interrupting the demon that had almost exhausted his patience for the night.
:- hum hum - he Said nodding.
The woman jumped her arms inside the basket and took the kid, without the future father's consent.
The kid had no birthmark and no difference whatsoever from a normal human baby, and the blue blanket was the same color as the one that nuns used for male kids born in the establishment; he noticed it when it was too late.
Crowley followed the antichrist trying to have it back from the nun, who was so Ecstatic and concentrated on walking that didn't even notice him.
The already weak diabolic energy was rapidly fading away, burying itself in the child's mind just to reemerge once he got older ; he was adapting to life as a human too fast for Crowley to keep track of him if he got mixed with other children.
Now card A and Card B, start the magic, and mix the weak trace of wickedness with newborn scent.
They entered a room where two nuns were bathing a kid, while another still covered in organic matter, that the demon couldn't identify, was crying.
:- we have it! Our king's offspring! - the nun followed by the demon said, lifting in the air the child, like in the king lion.
The women like teens before their idol issued a high pitch squeak :- leave him to our care! When we have finished bathing Young's child, we will take him to in his mother's room, you discharge the other! - one of them said.
:- master Crowley! What are you doing here? - the other one asked, the demon understood that a miracle wasn't enough to get out of trouble.
:- Well I wanted to help, can I discharge the diplomat's child?
:- ok, you can take it home, If you eat it!
At the idea of eating human flesh, the demon was near to puke with his Schrödingian stomach.
:- yea yea take it home! It will be a nice snack! I love human meat - he said sarcastically, but the nuns were too focused to care, he took the bloodied child from the cuddle and suppressed a gag.
He walked out of the room for a few minutes, trying to calm the kid that was still crying, when he shut up, he stopped time, shoveled the kid in the basket, and chased the sisters.
Now is card B and C time to shine.
They were there, frozen chatting with each other, they were silent but if the demon squeezed his eyes he could hear them talk.
one problem, Crowley didn't know which kid was his own, no bracelet no nothing that could be used to identify from one another, he could have asked the nuns and make them forget, that's true, but he was using to many Magick trick and he was afraid that hell could have noticed.
He screamed in frustration, afraid of his angel response to the all situations, he ripped the kids from the sisters hands, unfrozen time and said, hypnotizing them :- now you will go to the mothers and tell them their kids died, you will say that you already cremated them because you think that for a mother seeing her dead kid is terrible, give them a pot full of ash from your Chimney. One last thing! Which room is the American woman? the sleppy nuns nooded:-room 4 - one of them responded, he snapped his finger and they runned to the mothers.
Crowley, starting to be desperate, with 2 kids in his hands and one in a basket around his arm, was about to enter in the delivery room 4, where the wife of the diplomat stood, but he caught the superior sister outside.
He performed another tiny miracle and said :- if someone of my tribe asks you the kid got delivered tonight, if some of your nuns ask you the Birth of the kid got delayed by a couple of years! Send these women home as quickly as possible, they can't make question! - Then rapidly headed out the building, he was destroyed and now he and Aziraphale had to take care of not 1 but 3 little monkeys. He was going to be furious.
Who of the 3 kids Crowley had was Card C? Bets are open! You have 50/50 chances, The win? Stopping the end of the world.
When he was outside on the porch, he heard a scream coming from a room inside, it was the scream of a mother that lost her child. Something built up in the demon's chest, but he shoved it off, he couldn't risk Armageddon because he felt guilty, he had to go and never watch back. He thought that if he stopped the end of times, they could still try again.
He got in his Bentley, arranged the basket at the passenger seat and kept the others in his lap.
He really wanted to go back home and forget about them.
:- call Aziraphale! - he said, expecting his car to be immune to the mischief he created.
:- I'm sorry but it seems that the London lines are overworked right now, try again later! - A prerecorded voice said.
I won't describe the nasty curses that he addressed in my name, I blush only to think about them.
So he drove to the Angel bookshop, unable to have prepared him for the news.
He was lucky because he knew that sleeping wasn't a passion of his guy, so at the first knock he got open.
Aziraphale jaw dropped, looked at his demon head to toes and then Exclaimed :- for God sake, now you steal children?
He rolled his eyes, and invited himself in :- one of them is the antichrist, I had to do it, plus you know how to bathe a human child? Basket boy needs to became clean! - he ended up sitting on his angel chair exhausted (his bedtime hour was passed long time ago) , Laying the basket on the ground next to it, while the other 2 passed from his arms to his lap again.
:- WHAT?
:- I said that the one in the basket needs a bath!
:-NO SILLY WHAT YOU SAID BEFORE!
:- oh yes, one of them is the antichrist. Before you ask, I don't know which one, it had put on its defense against the occult so we can't spot it until it will be too late, that's why I had to take all of them. Second, I thought that was a great idea if you helped me make him grow up loving the earth, so that this could avoid us and all humanity, bloody Armageddon. That's why I didn't get along with hell's plan for him in the first place!
The Angel took the child out of the basket and looked at him :- yeah you're right! He needs a bath! You can sleep here tonight, I don't want you to drive home.
:- hm - he responded, is his way to say thank you, don't worry.
Aziraphale got in his bathroom and cleaned the child with Warm water from the sink . The fallen was about to close his eyes for a second when one of the other 2 started to cry.
He Sighed And miracled a biberon full of prepared Milk For babies, and started giving it to the crybaby.
He looked at the Bundle squirming in his arms hungry, while the other still was in his lap sleeping, and thought " I know what name will suit you : Cain! You would murder your brother for a bit of food!don't you?look how hungry you are!"
I guess that at the end card A, B and C became my grandchildren, I thought it was impossible for me to have some.
-
Back that night, at the first insight of daylight, Hastur the duke of hell that for some reason hated our new-father demon, had gone to check on his Operated.
He requested a meeting with the covenant's Majora.
Before I will narrate the event that ended that night, you have to know one thing: not all the demon's are as intelligent and loving as Crowley, actually I think he is the only one of his kind unfortunately.
:- hi master Hastur! - the sister said with a nod of the head, meeting him in the garden of the convent.
:-how has gone? - he asked without making polite chitty chat.
:- beautifully! The Child arrived at the right hour and was given to the mother!
:- good then there is no more use for you! The order is dissolved!
:-what? We Dedicated our life to serve our master, hell can't just discharge us like that!
:-shut your mouth, stupid nun and go get your sisters out of here before I get angry! - he hissed with a cigarette in his mouth.
:- no! I want to talk with lord Beelzebub!
:- they are occupied!
:- lord please you can't do this to us! Let us serve you until the end of the world! - she begged, falling on her knees.
;- now you got on my nerves, you condemned all these women, your brave companions, see you when I go home! - he said, the nun before him dropped dead and a Follow-up of Lightning fell on the convent, setting it on fire.
We have to specify that the lighting was soundless, no Thunders.
Hastur disappeared when the only thunder arrived.
The firefighters arrived later, nobody Denounced the fire,so when they came it was already 7 in the morning. 53 corpses will be retrieved from The skeleton of the palace, all the nuns were dead.
Don't be sad thought. They were terrible human beings, they liked to swap babies when more than one woman was giving birth at the same time, and they served Satan.
Plus for the sake of our Dads it's better than there were no Witnesses to the kid's thief.