Chapter Text
Dan scribbled ‘Jet Lag’ and ‘airport’ on his list. It had taken him long enough to get out of here and onto the streets of Paris. He couldn’t see the Eiffel Tower from here so that was a disappointing start.
“Could you hurry it up?” he asked while Chris was heaving under the weight of their luggage.
“If you could carry some of yours…” the heavy eater said and put down the ten bags that towered over him. Dan lifted up his finger and put it on the box he was already carrying under his arm.
“Why should I? I have to take care of the Death Ray Gun! Besides, I’m a celebrity!”
“We are celebrities!” Chris was quick to correct.
“Hey, I hold the gun!”
“It belongs to both of us, you know!”
“Whatever.” Dan mumbled as the taxi arrived to pick them up. The driver, a rather large man whose forehead reminded the jerk of rotten salmon, looked at all the luggage and after the two spoke with him, he asked: “Where art you going?”
“The Space Monkey Convention of course.” Dan and Chris both said in unison.
“This is a long way.” the driver responded.
“We have enough money.” said the jerk. Chris added:
“We’d like to check into our hotel first. The Shangri-La.”
The driver’s eyes widened:
“Bon sang de bonsoir! You are made of money?”
Dan side-eyed Chris:
“Chris, we’re going to our hotel, not some fictional place in Tibet!”
“That is the name of our hotel!” with that they were on their way.
When the taxi stopped at a light, the driver turned around and eyed them: “May I know how you can stay there? You don’t look… rich.”
“First off, that’s a rude question.“ Dan was quick to scold him.
“Second“
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FLASHBACK:
CALIFORNIA, SOME WHILE AGO
“Can you believe this, Chris?!“ Dan screeched as he held the letter up. He had come to Chris’ house and had woken him up. It had been midnight. And Dan had been in his pyjamas. Just like Chris.
“This can’t be real!“ he had said.
“It is real… we checked... can I go back to sleep?“ Elise responded while covering her head with another pillow and ignored how Chris drove Dan home.
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PARIS: NOW
“And that’s how it happened, Sir. You have the honor to drive me and my gun to the convention.”
“Our gun.” Chris corrected him. The driver rolled his eyes and mumbled:
“Je comprends, you are American.”
The driver did his job and after Chris and Dan had checked in at the Shangri-La, they were off to the convention. But a crowd of people were infesting the streets. Dan scowled:
“What is going on? Are they rioting again?“
“Let me check the news.“ Chris got out his mobile:
“This is Nadja Chamack, live from the Convention where Hawk Moth’s latest Akuma victim showed up to wreak havoc!“
Chris eyed the news reporter, the security measures and the masses:
“It is too dangerous“
“NO! I will go there and I don’t care!“
“Dan!“
Chris ran after his friend who had jumped out of the car and ran through the crowd while somehow carrying the box with the gun. Chris got stuck while Dan entered the building just to be greeted by the monster of the week. A giant polychromatic book on legs that was armed with golf clubs that it shot from its pages.
“Do you comma here often?“
Dan was about to answer when from the other side of the room a boy in a black suit answered:
“No, but hey, you wanna take a shelfie?“
He jumped right between Dan and the book and spinned his staff. The jerk was about to complain when a long rope wrapped around him and pulled him up.
“HEY!“
It was just at this moment that he dropped the box and with it the gun that broke into several pieces.
“NO!“ Dan screamed while Ladybug and Chat Noir fought the akuma. It got really weird when more people showed up like this woman in the bright blue suit which was commented by the akuma with:
“Writing about time travel takes so much creativity. You have to think outside the clocks!“
It got worse when he ditched the golf clubs to go for a laser sword from the Star Wars stand:
“Metaphors be with you!“
But in the end and with the help of a kid that could create portals, they knocked him out. Golf Read had probably been the most powerful akuma Ladybug and Chat Noir had defeated yet: A former golf champion and now a bookstore owner.
Created by one of Hawk Moth’s megakumas, Golf Read had been blessed with the power to change reality. Basically his power allowed him to read any book at a superfast rate and bring anything in them to life. At first he had accidently roleplayed with himself and pretended to be a dead goose. Thankfully Hawk Moth had brought him back on track and now, after he had been deevilized, he had learned his lesson. Don’t get so angry over books that waste awesome concepts like a canabalistic island. He thanked the heroes and promised he would drop reading ‘Life of Pi’ and move on to ‘Death of Euler’s number’.
“Pounded.“ Ladybug and Chat Noir fist bumped.
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Meanwhile, inside a darkened planetarium illuminated by a round window,there stood a man wearing a pink suit surrounded by several white butterflies. He had watched this fight and spanning across past, present and future. It was tense. Now he clasped his right fist and looked up as the window was slowly closing:
“Ladybug! Chat Noir! One day you will take a page out of my book. AND LEAF!“
He wasn’t shelf-ish for doing what he did as he detransformed and left to look after his comatose wife. He wouldn’t retire to start a new chapter of his life. Instead he would read her some Jane Austen. She just needed a little Persuasion.
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After this wave of ladybugs, Dan was back on the ground. The box had been restored but just to make sure, he opened it and held up his gun… that broke into several pieces.
„HEY!“ Dan walked right towards the two heroes that were about to go but now eyed him with confusion.
“You broke my gun!“ he declared. Chat Noir crossed his arms while Ladybug’s eyes widened for a short moment when the jerk showed her the legendary space monkey gun. She rubbed the back of her head:
“I can’t explain this. The miraculous undoes all the damage done by an akuma. Your gun must have been broken before our fight.“
“No it wasn’t!“
How could this happen to Dan?
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CALIFORNIA, SOME WHILE AGO, AFTER THE EPISODE DAN VS. CHRIS
“Dan?“ Chris asked in confusion. He had gotten him some new stuff for his house but when he had arrived, he had only found his mattress. In pieces along with the legendary gun.
Somehow, don’t ask how, Chris had managed to rebuild the destroyed gun from scratch and make it look just as new. Only it was now extremely fragile. He had finished it just in time when Elise had rescued Dan from Siberia. Not that Elise had wanted this, mind you. Chris had found the contraption that Don and Elise Sr. placed there, it raised the suspision of the FBI and Elise had been forced to save him.
Now Chris could rest assured: As long as the gun remained whole, Dan would never notice it.
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PARIS: NOW
„NOW LISTEN HERE, SCARLET LADY!“ Dan screamed and tried to poke her with his index finger on the chest but that’s when Chat Noir stepped in, grabbed the jerk and threw him on the ground. Ladybug gasped:
“I’m really sorry about your gun. But I need to go now.“ her earrings were giving off a beeping sound.
“Same here. Don’t you dare touch milady.“ and with that Chat Noir was also gone, along with the other kids.
The pidgeons flying to the street lamp cried and flew away when the little man on the pavement got on his knees, stared at his broken gun and then raised his fists up in the air:
“LADY BUG!!“
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Gabriel was shaking. Thankfully he had had tea first before he had picked up Jane Austen to read some to his wife because he would have spilled it all over her capsule. Now he had dropped the book. One of his eyes twitched and he grabbed his chest as if a strong pain had jolted right through it. Wide-eyed he touched the brooch that contained Nooroo. The miraculous made him extremely empathetic and allowed him to detect strong emotions. Since he lived in Paris, which was in France, there was a lot of negativity he had to sift through to find the perfect person to akumatize. If he had had to explain it to somebody, he would have described it as an motionless ocean with plenty of fish where he had to look out for a small ripple. It was really hard sometimes with all the riots, the criminals and the internet trolls. But what he had sensed now had felt like an underground vulcano had erupted and spewed out boiling hot lava that turned all the ocean water into mist.
“Nooroo!“
The Quami showed up.
“Yes, Master?“
“What is the meaning of this sudden outburst? Are you trying to kill me?“
“No, Master! I’m also shocked by all this anger!“
“Then let us use it! Dark wings RISE!“
If Nathalie had stopped the time, she would have noticed that Gabriel was three times faster than usual. Smirking he looked outside his window as he closed his fists to charge up a butterfly with energy:
“Ah, Americans and their guns! There’s nothing worse than getting robbed of the item that gives you security and freedom. What perfect prey for my akumas!”
Dan would have told him that the whole point of a gun is that he wouldn’t be prey with it!
“Fly away, my little akuma, AND EVILIZE HIM!“
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Never had flown a little butterfly in such record speed and made contact with the broken gun Dan had in his hands. The fowl sound of the akuma fusing with the remains and the purple glow around his eyes made clear what was about to happen next as a voice spoke inside of his head:
“Greetings, Dan. I am Hawk Moth.”
“Who?”
Oh right, he was an out-of-towner. And an American. It still caught him a little off-guard. Didn’t he read the news? Number one Terrorist of France? And what he pulled in New York?
“Ehm… Hawk Moth. You have been wronged by these super heroes. But I can give you the power to get revenge on Ladybug and Chat Noir. I-”
“I’m in!!”
What fire in his voice! Talk about being determined! Why couldn’t all people be like that? Shifting through his memories and given that the gun was from Space Monkeys from outer Space, the terrorist knew what he would him turn into:
“Mojo Dan Dan! I give you the power of Tactical Analysis, Life Creation and Durability! All I want in return are the miraculouses of Ladybug and Chat Noir!“
“Oh, I will get them good!“
Darkness surrounded the cackling jerk.
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Meanwhile, a masked ninja jumped from roof to roof. Nobody asked why because most citizens thought it was a new hero Ladybug recruited. She held one of her hands to her ear:
“Dancing Shadow, do you copy?“
“Yes, I am about to locate Hawk Moth.“ Elise responded. Then she stopped in front of the huge mansion. This had been way too easy. All she had to do was look at where the butterflies were coming from, look at the speed somebody was akumatized and home in on the most likely location.
When the agency asked her to take care of this Hawk Moth problem in Paris and told her they would cover all the expenses, Elise was immediately in. She would take care of this terrorist and have a nice vacation week with Chris… after she seperated him from Dan. As much as she didn’t like it, he was integral to her plan. When she heard that Hawk Moth used strong emotions to create his akumas to fight Ladybug and Chat Noir, she knew that she could use Dan as bait. Now all she had to do was wait and look out for black butterflies to make sure it actually was the one she suspected.
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Chris drank from a can when he returned to the entrance of the fare. What he thought to be a really convincing cosplayer turned out to be…
“Dan?“ he put the can down as his friend turned toward him and held up his list:
“I am MOJO DAN DAN! And this is the list! The List is multiple pages per person, due to the data with which I must list out the crimes of the condemned against me, which are many and require much paper, until such time as the vengeance is achieved by ME, MOJO DAN DAN, who did nothing to deserve the myriad of persecutions committed by the individuals named within the small paper notebook known as The List!“
Chris applauded his passionate speech:
“I always thought that Captain Banana Chewie was your favorite character but wow, your impression of Mojo Mandrill and your costume are spot-on!“
“MOJO DAN DAN thanks Chris, who is a good friend and always there for him, especially now that his help as a friend is needed, because friends help and depend on each other for this is a special occasion that we will have to use because we are in Paris, which is in France which is located in Europe, and the city of LOVE where I shall show the love I have for you, Chris, as well as the LOVE I have for Paris!“
Chris knew there was a difference between LOVE and love but good luck with that when you were only hearing it, not reading.
“Awwww…“ he pulled Dan into a hug and closed his eyes. Just to open them again when it hit him:
“Are… are you okay?“
“MOJO DAN DAN is in the best shape of his life for he is MOJO DAN DAN!“
“So… what are we going to do?“
Dan lifted up his right index finger:
“First we make a trip to the famous fashion shops and beauty shops of Paris like Lancôme, Nuxe and Chanel for they have the ingredients that we need to make this the time of LOVE!“
“OH, WOW! You have a costume for me, too?“
“YES! Just excuse MOJO DAN DAN for a moment which is a point in time separate between the hear and now located in the future!“ Dan tiptoed his way behind a curtain and whispered:
„Hey, Hawky?“
“It’s Hawk Moth!“ the voice inside his head insisted but Dan continued unimpeded:
„I have a really good plan but I need another akuma for this.“
For a moment, the terrorist hesitated. This Dan was so promising… and he had given him the power of tactical analysis… and besides, hadn’t he tried anything at this point besides that? It was just the emergency akuma that he didn’t need right now anyway. So… anything for bringing Emilie back! In for penny, in for a pounding!
“I think I will allow this.“
Hawk Moth opened the top of his cane so the second akuma flew towards the Convention…
Dan tiptoed back to Chris:
“So, Chris. Did you hear that in Paris they don’t sell your favorite food?“
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When the black butterfly left the Agreste Mansion, Elise put down her binoculars. She could rely on Dan getting angry at something. She would check later what happened to him or if it was him at all.
Now it was time to get inside. A few ninja moves around the house later she saw a boy in a black suit leave the mansion and didn’t close the window. This was too easy. She entered through there and landed in a boy’s living room.
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It was all over the news:
“This is Nadja Chamack, live from the Eiffel Tower where Hawk Moth’s latest Akuma victim showed up to make an announcement!“
The camera shifted to the famous building where two muscular monkey men were standing.
“PARISIANS! Vengeance has come in the form of MOJO DAN DAN who did nothing to deserve the myriad of persecutions committed by the individuals called Ladybug and Chat Noir! I am joined by the Mighty Captain Banana Chewie who has a ravenous appetite that he puts to good use to ensure the starving of the Parisians for they have deserved to be crushed because they didn’t show us the love so now they shall be slain by the LOVE of MOJO DAN DAN and CHRISIAN BANANA CHEWIE! We demand that Ladybug and Chat Noir show up here at the Eiffel Tower that was created by Mister Eiffel and occupies the mind of everybody who thinks of Paris despite not being able to see it from anywhere which is disappointing and known as Paris syndrome! Speaking of Paris and its ruler, Mojo Dan Dan has brought some motivation for you to hurry up!“
For dramatic effect the mute Chrisian brought out a hostage that quickly started to complain:
“Let me go! How dare you kidnap me while I’m shopping! This is ridiculous! Utterly ridiculous! Just you wait until you meet Queen Bee!“
The crowd in front of the Eiffel Tower had mixed reactions, from some weak cries of surprise over people telling them to just drop her and be celebrated as heroes.
Mojo Dan Dan continued:
“MOJO DAN DAN knows about the reputation of this miracle queen who is the worst and so bad that most think she is so unredeemable because she is a teenage brat and a school bully so I “
Chris Banana Chewie held up another hostage who appeared to be a heavy-weight older man with black hair and finally the crowd was shocked:
“So here is the famous Movie Maker Mister Struc that is so notorious on social media that the notorious messages of notoriety note the social justice warriors to come and socially make war for justice just as we shall make swift justice that will sweep all of social media for his immaturity is so immature that immature immatures are seen as not immature for the immaturity of Mister A. Struc knows no bounds!“
It was at that moment the later of the heroic duo showed up, landed on one of the beams and started:
“Could you stop monkeying around? We’re already here!“
“We’re here. Now let them go!“ Ladybug announced after she landed close to the ground of the tower.
“If you insist MOJO DAN DAN will order Chrisian BANANA CHEWIE to let them go as they will go so far like none has ever gone before as“
While Dan continued with his overly long monolog, Ladybug looked around and saw Max who had gotten the horse miraculous and had transformed into Pegasus. Today she was really was thinking with portals because when Chrisian let Struc and Chloe fall, it was easy for him to rescue them.
“This is almost too easy! LUCKY CHARM!“ and as soon as she was done, she held a monkey’s paw in her hand. Now what should she do with that? She looked around and saw how the Eiffeltower and the two akumas glowed. Of course! Monkey’s paw, Monkey’s bar, the tower was made of bars so they could climb around.
“Chat noir! Destroy the Eiffeltower!“
“With pleasure, milady!“
It’s not like they hadn’t done it before or something. The tower crumbled and Chrisian and Mojo Dan Dan fell down, only for Ladybug to capture them with her yoyo. As soon as they were captured, the duo approached them. The female hero was the first to speak up:
“Now you will-“
She grabbed the gun and was about to destroy it, when the two monkeys broke down.
“Wait! These monkeys are puppets!
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It had taken Elise a while to knock down the stern-looking woman with blue skin that looked like a peacock. But now that that was over, it was time to find this Hawk Moth. Elise took away the peacock brooch, gave it a confused look and then pocketed it. She grabbed Nathalie, lifted her up and pushed her against a wall:
“Where is Hawk Moth?“
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Meanwhile the terrorist shouted through his lair:
“This wasn’t part of our deal!“
“MOJO DAN DAN honors his deal with Hawky for he deals only in absolutes that are so absolute that the absolute of the absolute is absolutely not enough to destribe how he is going to deal with Ladybug and Chat Noir, Hawky!“
“I am HAWK MOTH!“
“MOJO DAN DAN suggests Hawky to relax because-“
“Enough! I take back my akumas!“ with a snip from his fingers, the black butterfly left Dan and transformed him back. Only to have Dan reach out, grab it again and put it into the gun:
“Greetings, Hawky. I am Dan.“
The terrorist’s eyes widened. He shaked.
“What… is happening?“
“MOJO DAN DAN is happening for it happens that I have to happen the means that are meant to keep the power you happen to give me can be contained which means that I can remain as MOJO DAN DAN!“
Hawky gasped. Last time he felt like this was when this stupid robot had tried to usurp him and used the defenses of his own house against him. He needed help!
Suddenly, somebody appeared right behind him.
“Nathalie! I need-“
Instead of an answer he got a good smack on the head that sent him on the ground. Yes, he was used to get that from Nathalie from time to time. Then he saw that it wasn’t Nathalie but a ninja.
“You’re under arrest, Hawk Moth.“ Elise said and brought out some handcuffs.
He wheezed as he backed away and slowly got up,
“How… how have you found me?!“
“Okay… gotta be clear here. You are really bad at this.“
“How dare you?“
“Your electricity bill is second only to the Bourgeois Hotel, you can overlook most of Paris with this planetarium, and your mansion is covered with butterfly symbols from top to bottom. How has nobody noticed this yet?“
Actually, the police, the inner security, Ladybug and Chat Noir had to be really bad at this to not notice from where Hawk Moth operated. Suddenly he transformed back.
“Wait… you’re Gabriel Agreste!“
“Nooroo! How dare you?! You have to obey me!“ but the little kwami looked puzzled:
“I… I don’t know.“
Elise interrupted them:
“And you have a lot of free time on your hand as a billionaire. Oh, and your name is Gabriel.“
How could he not have become a supervillian with such a name?
The ninja was about to cuff him when suddenly, the left part of the ceiling of the planetarium got hit by something. It was hard to tell at first. Elise was caught by surprise and buried under the rubble.
Light flooded the room. It turned out that a giant wrecking ball had smashed the building.
Gabriel had his mouth wide open and his eyes almost popped out of his skull when he saw who hovered down. It was still Dan in this ridiculous costume.
“How can this be?!“
“MOJO DAN DAN recognizes that Hawky is really bad at this. The badness of him being so bad that it is utter rotten in a sense that rots the rottenness of a rotting corpse!“
“This just can’t be possible! NOOROO! DARK WINGS RISE!“
Gabriel looked to his left where Dan was, then to his right, where the kwami just hovered in place. Motionless and just as confused as he was.
“Why isn’t it working?“
Mojo Dan Dan took Gabriel and held him over his head:
“MOJO DAN DAN used his tactical skills and used perfum to contain the power of the akuma! Then he created copies of him and Chrisian that allowed him to distract Ladybug and Chat Noir and learn about the whereabouts of their master while pinpointing your location!“
Then he took the butterfly brooch and threw Gabriel on the ground!
Dan put the miraculous on and Nooroo appeared again.
“Oh… I have a new master now?“
“Yes, you have!“
Smirking Dan posed just like one of these anime girls from 90s TV.
“Dark wings rise!“