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Contrary to what I tell people, I often feel lonely.
It is true that I prefer working alone. I am what may be considered an “introvert”, although I prefer not to bother with such labels.
If I were to be put in a dark, empty room with nothing but my laptop and enough sweets, I would be overjoyed. Once, as a careless child, I had tried such an experiment. I ended up locking myself in and holding myself prisoner.
Watari had to come free me.
Of course, I had other ways of getting out should such a situation arise. But the room was so much more peaceful than the rest of the world, which I found loud and disconcerting at the time--and still do.
That was something I did at a time where I gave my feelings more worth than logic. Some things had happened and everything went out of balance. I would never do something like that again, no matter how tempting. The risks were too great.
Light Yagami said that he would make sure I was never alone.
It is certainly a shame that he turned out to be the original Kira.
I wasn’t lying when I said he was my first friend.
This past year or so… it has been a lot of fun. I don’t care about things like morality or justice, so solving this case was never about that for me in the first place. The intellectually stimulating debates I had with Light-kun were surely something.
Ah, I recall the tennis match now. Light and I never did end up having a rematch, did we? Maybe we could do that sometime soon, if time permits. Or go to the coffee shop again. A break from the investigation. Yes, I should suggest something like that to him.
Oftentimes I question if Kira is actually real, and not just someone I made up in my head.
Being the best detective in the world comes with its qualms, too. No one else is aware of this, but I tend to have night terrors. I do not sleep often, but when I choose to, my dreams are vivid--as a result, so are the nightmares.
It was awfully embarrassing when I had accidentally fallen asleep one time while chained to Light. Even more embarrassing when I woke up in a cold sweat, closed in on myself, simultaneously on high alert and the calmest I had ever been.
“Ryuuzaki. Are you alright?”
“...Yes. Go back to sleep.”
Light Yagami did not go back to sleep. He proceeded to fuss over me, something that reduced his probability of being Kira by a large percentage. I can still feel the way his fingers threaded through my hair; the way his lips felt against mine.
I was foolish, at that time. Just like when I was still a child, I let my emotions get the better of me.
I remember standing in the rain, not quite sure what to think. Since childhood, I have liked rain. That might seem depressing--it’s not. The rain is calming to me, a white noise that muffles and blurs the rest of society. It messes up my hair but my hair was messed up anyway. It serves as a wake-up call, a reminder that time is still passing, and something we are unable to control.
“Sorry. Everything I say is complete nonsense, so please don’t believe any of it.”
“That’s right, Ryuuzaki. Most of what you say is nonsense. There would be no end if I took you seriously all the time. I know that the best.”
Now, I think that I am not particularly opposed to the idea of dying today. I knew the risks. I knew it would happen at some point, with Kira lurking behind the alleyways, hiding in shadows with a magical knife in his grip. I thought that my lurking behind a computer screen, hiding in a singular letter written in some sort of fancy font that Watari found, would somehow save me.
I was incorrect.
I was incorrect about a lot of things, it seems.
Ah. I can hear them again. The bells.
This sitting position is uncomfortable. The spoon clattering to the ground should make a noise--why am I unable to hear anything except for the ringing?
Thank you, Soichiro, Matsuda, Aizawa, and Watari…
Thank you, Light Yagami. I can see you out of the corner of my eye. You are aware of that, I presume? And now you’re grabbing my body as I fall. You seem concerned. What a strange look on you; it does not fit. Something is wrong.
There--there’s that smirk. Maybe I was right about one thing. You really have never told the truth at any point in your life.
I find this amusing. Yes, I was incorrect about a lot of things, but this--this I have always been right about. I knew it.
Thank you, Kira. It was fun.
Good luck, Near.
Seems like my time is up.