Chapter Text
If you’d told him three years ago that he’d be in this situation, well Colin would have laughed right in your face and walked off, but there he was, stood in a room being watched by sixteen people as he bawled his eyes out over not being able to build a fucking six by six house of cards in five minutes.
“You’re overwhelmed” Jamie said, a weird sympathetic look on his face.
“I’m overwhelmed.” Colin managed to get out through his tears.
“You’re overwhelmed” Jamie said again, moving closer to him.
“I’m overwhelmed,” Colin repeated again.
“You’re overwhelmed” Jamie reached Colin and pulled him into a hug.
“You’re warm” Colin relaxed into the embrace, hugging Jamie back.
“I’m warm” Jamie held Colin against his chest.
“You’re warm”
“I’m warm”
“You’re warm”
“I’m warm” Colin started to laugh, something about Jamie making him crack up. “You’re laughing” Jamie commented.
“I’m laughing”
“You’re laughing” Jamie had begun to laugh as well, the two of them getting a bit hysterical, both of them pulling back enough that they could see each other's faces but still holding on.
“I’m laughing”
“You’re shining” Jamie changed the call again.
“I’m shining.”
“You’re shining”
“I’m shining”
“Alrighty, I’m gonna call it there, good work boys.” Ted finally broke the moment for them, ending the exercise.
Jamie pulled Colin in to him again and gave him a squeeze before letting go but keeping a hand on the other man’s shoulder.
“Fuuuuck” Colin groaned, dragging his palms down his face.
“How’d that feel then?” Ted asked.
“Stressful” Colin replied “It shouldn’t be that hard to make a house of cards, Jesus Christ.”
A chuckle rippled through the room.
“And how about the exercise?”
“I’m not really sure, I think I was so focused on the cards and then Jamie that I didn’t really process anything else, felt like we were the only people in the world for a while there.”
“And you Jamie?” Ted prompted.
“Yeah, same as Colin. It did feel pretty weird though, think that’s the most into it I’ve gotten.”
Ted nodded “You and Colin are pretty close in real life though.”
“Yeah”
“Do you think that had anything to do with it?”
“I don’t think so, I felt like I was following me impulses pretty well, and me preparation were all physical so I weren’t really feeling anything in particular other than out of breath before I came in.”
“And I was too busy focusing on my cards to even fully process it was Jamie until the timer went.”
“Good, good. How’re you feeling Colin?”
“Honestly? Fine”
Ted clapped his hands together “The joys of Meisner. Have a seat. Who’s up next.”
Moe got up and darted into the space, paper and scissors in hand. “Don’t run with scissors.” Ted attempted to call out, thankfully Moe had already stopped. Sam got up and left the room with a thumbs up, ready to get cracking.
Colin, Isaac, Jamie, Sam, Dani and Moe had decided to head to Richmond park for lunch, the late September sun still warm as they relaxed in the grass, meal deals scattered around them, chatting.
“Honestly lad, I think that’s the best I’ve ever seen anyone do a You - I repetition like holy shit, definitely the most intense one I’ve been in.” Jamie said.
“Say’s the man who literally kissed Richard mid exercise” Colin retorted.
“Oh come on we’ve all kissed someone during an exercise!” A chorus of ‘no’s went around the group.
Sam jumped in, changing the topic, “Can someone run my lines with me please?” Moe grabbed the script off of him, “You got your mock today?” He asked.
“Yes, I’ll be honest, I am very nervous.” Sam admitted.
“I had mine yesterday, she is very lovely.”
“You think everyone is lovely Dani” Isaac pointed out “but she is, had mine yesterday as well.”
Colin was sprawled out on the living room floor in his, Jamie, and Isaac’s flat. “I don’t know what to dooooo” He whined, he rolled his head so he was looking at Isaac and Jamie on the sofa “Help me, I’m having a crisis.”
“Bit busy here, lad.” Jamie said, eyes not leaving the screen as the two men attempted to play Urban Flow.
“But I’m having a crisis Jamie, you need to help me!”
“Nah, too busy working the traffic lights.”
In retaliation Colin rearranged his limbs so that he was like a pencil and rolled along the floor towards the tv, he reached up and switched it off before rolling back into his original position.
“What the fuck was that for?”
“Yeah, bruv, that wasn’t cool, we were making sure all the drivers were safe”
“Yeah Colin, now there’ll be car crashes and it’ll be your fault.”
“They’re not real people!”
“They’re real to me”
“Great, you’ve gone and upset Jamie now”
“Upset Jamie?! I’m the one who’s upset. I’m having an existential crisis.” Colin rolled over so he was lying on his stomach, face smushed into the carpet. “Pass me a pillow” He raised one arm towards the sofa and made a grabby hand, next thing he knew a pillow hit the side of his head. He lifted his face and put the pillow under it before flopping back down, screaming into it.
“Yes bruv, use that breath control” Isaac cheered over the muffled sound of Colin’s scream.
“Beard would be proud” Jamie said as he started filming Colin on his phone, documenting the scream, only stopping once Colin was done throwing a strop.
Once Colin was done he turned his head towards his mates “I’m having a crisis”
“Yeah, that’s pretty clear.” Isaac watched him for a moment “What’s got you spiralling?”
“Everything” Colin just lay there looking sad, cheek smushed into a pillow, hair a mess “I’m so stressed out, I’ve got to find a showcase scene, and it’s got to be perfect, but I can’t find anything perfect, and I went to Beard for advice because he knows like everything, and he gave me suggestions but he was really weird the whole time and then I read the plays and like they had good scenes but they were weird, and I don’t know if Beard told me the weird shit because he wanted to throw me off or if it’s because he thinks those kind of roles suit me, and then I spoke to Ted about it and he was all ‘Now if I know Beard-o it’s best to listen to him and go with the flow’ which doesn’t fucking help because I did listen to him and I read the plays and the plays were weird and he didn’t tell me why he chose them. And we’ve got to show them to Rebecca next week and I don’t want to look like an idiot in front of her, like she already thinks I’m an idiot, and like sure Keeley will be there and she’s nice but like that doesn’t mean Rebecca won’t be there, and I’m like really scared of her. And it’s better than first year obviously because Rupert’s not here and she’s way nicer but she’s still scary you know, like she’s performed at the Globe like ten times, and she was a regular on The Bill, I fucking loved The Bill, and she’s going to judge me which I don’t think I can take, like yes I’m a third year, yes I should be able to handle this but also consider I’m small and tiered and everything is a lot and I’m just a little guy!”
“You know that’s just the industry, right?” Jamie asked after a beat.
Colin shoved his full face back into the pillow and screamed again.
“Also Beard is just weird, I’d be suspicious if he was being normal” Isaac pointed out.
“Yeah, last year he told me to imagine me bum hole was a mouth and I had to breathe through it.”
“Oh and when he had us do a bunch of breathing that somehow made us all cry!”
“Then the next lesson we were being monsters!”
“Embodying them through breath!”
As the other two reminisced Colin stopped screaming and removed his face from the pillow “What the fuck are our lives?”
“A wild roller coaster?” Jamie provided.
“Cult adjacent?” Isaac added.
“Drama school isn’t a cult,” Colin protested.
“Kind of is though” Jamie pulled a face, making him look like a prune “we literally lie on the floor and chant”
“We don’t chant, we vocalise” Colin attempted to prove his point, but it didn’t really help.
“Yeah, yeah, same difference.”
Saturday’s were football days, if they weren’t watching the Richmon match (be it live or on TV) the boys would be out in Richmond park playing. It was an all day event, same as always, meet at the cafe and have a fry up (a proper greasy, builders cafe. A concept Jamie, Colin and Isaac had to explain the importance of to the rest of their mates. After multiple of them had voiced their lack of understanding about the difference between a cafe and a café the three of them had ended up putting together a whole arse powerpoint presentation.
“A cafe and a café are very different things” Jamie had started.
“You’ve got your café; a nice place you go for coffee, maybe a good selection of cakes, very chill and nice.” Colin pointed at a picture of a traditional café on his laptop screen.
“Whilst a cafe, spelt c, a, f, e but pronounced caf, is a place to get a proper greasy builders breakfast full of old men and, unsurprisingly, builders.” Isaac changed the slide to show a place that looked like it belonged in the sixties, a sea of beige with plastic seats and tables.
“But what is the appeal?” Sam asked, raising his hand.
“It’s the only place to get an authentic full English, one of the only English things I agree with,” Colin explained.
“It looks very unhygienic,” Jan pointed out.
“That’s the point” Isaac grunted, “Part of the charm, innit”)
So regardless of whether they were watching the match at the stadium, at the pub or playing themselves they’d start with a proper breakfast at a proper cafe before heading off.
If they were all being honest none of them had Richmond as their team, all of them having moved to Richmond with allegiances to other teams but they’d all ended up falling in love with their local, even if they were scrappy underdogs they were good fun to watch and a good way to spend time as a group.
Richmond were playing today but the group decided to have a kickabout in the morning anyway. After a late breakfast they made their way over to Richmond Park where they’d arranged to meet some second years for a friendly. As a joke the Christmas before they’d all gotten each other Richmond kit tops with their names and random numbers on the back, so they all looked the part and ready to obliterate the other year.
They were the first to arrive so began to warm up, pretty quickly they were joined by one of the first years, Will Kitman, who was a good mate of Jamie’s. At the beginning of term Jamie had introduced him to the group who’d taken him in as one of their own and as a result they’d made him the team manager (not that they needed one but it was fun and Will played the part very well).
Upon seeing him the whole team cheered, he jogged over to meet them. After greeting everyone he put his game face on and they all began to discuss strategies for the match.
Eventually the other team arrived, Sam was the first to notice them waving as the others got closer. They set up quickly, using jumpers for goalposts before kicking off the match. 30 minutes into the game Ted and Beard walked by, stopping to watch the match, they sat on the bench that all the player’s had left their bags and jumpers next to, coffee’s in hand. When it became obvious that there was no ref Beard stepped up and took on the role, using pictures of yellow and red on his phone for his cards. Ted began to pretend he was a sports commentator reciting what he saw, but given that he knew fuck all about football (he literaly still called it soccer and he’d been living in the UK for six years) he was just spouting bullshit.
“Hughes has the ball, he kicks it in the direction of the goal. He passes it to Tartt who continues running towards the goal. Roberts’ steals the ball causing Tartt to fall over, Beard stops the game and Jamie throws the ball from the side even though you’re not allowed to touch the ball with your hands, the rules of this match are wild…”
When Beard announced the end of the match the third years were winning by 2 goals, they went wild celebrating their win, jumping about and cheering as if they’d come second in the premier league their first season after being promoted from the championship.
After saying goodbye to the second years, Beard, and Ted, they headed off to The Crown And Anchor for a late lunch and to watch the Richmond match. It was an away game at Craven Cottage, unfortunately Fulham was Isaac and Moe’s team so they gave the pub a miss, thankfully for them though they were heading to the Cottage to watch it live. So after a quick top change, swapping out Richmond for Fulham, they parted ways with their mates and headed further into London.
Throughout the match their group chat was popping off left right and centre, messaging Moe and Isaac whenever anything happened in the match.
Acting For Cash Richmond
That’s gay mate - 3:34pm
did i just see the yellow card king get carded? get wrecked lol
McAdoodle-doo - 3:34pm
your just jealous we’re winning
Jamy Tartt - 3:34pm
mmm that goal sooudlve been disallowed
Jamy Tarrt - 3:34pm
should’ve
BumberTwat - 3:35pm
sooudlve lol
Jan Maas - 3:35pm
Can you please stop texting and watch the match, thank you.
BumberTwat - 3:35pm
ooo someones pissy today
BumberTwat - 3:35pm
that goal get yo you?
Jan Maas - 3:35pm
Fuck off Moe
In the end Fulham won, it’d been close though. But Jamie won a total of £100 after betting a whole bunch on the match and as a result had been bullied into paying the table's drink tab, which he agreed to reluctantly.
Contemporary shows were stressful, the group had been spread out across all three shows and had intensive rehearsal schedules. Jamie, Colin and Isaac only really saw each other for a few hours in the evening and that was about it, they’d cook and eat dinner as a flat before all disappearing to do work for the rest of the night. If they were lucky at least two of them would have free time that overlapped, either hanging out in the green room at the school or in their own flat depending on how much time they had free.
Colin had been called for a morning rehearsal and Jamie had had the day off so the pair of them spent the afternoon relaxing on Colin’s bed going over scripts in the hopes of finding material for showcase. Showcase was a big fucking deal, it was the most important event in the drama school calender, every third year performed and loads of agents came, it’s where the majority of people got signed so there was a lot of pressure. They’d had scene choosing week just before contemporary rehearsals started and neither of them had found the right scene yet. They’d gone out script shopping the day before, spending hours at the National grabbing anything and everything that looked like it could work.
Colin was sat cross legged on the bed surrounded by play texts whilst Jamie was lying on his back, head hanging off the end of the bed, reading upside down.
“What about this?” Colin asked, handing a script over to Jamie, already open on a specific page. “Could work for the both of us? Queer footballers and that, got some pretty sweet scenes in it.”
Jamie read over the script as Colin pulled it up on his laptop “Yeah, I like the scene, should we give it a read?”
“Yeah, I’ve just pulled it up online.”
Jamie sat up, also crossing his legs, as he began to read the scene.
“Well that’s fucking perfect, ain’t it?” Jamie said once they’d finished.
“I know right! Don’t know why I didn’t think to look at it before, Jumpers For Goalposts feels like such an obvious choice now.”
“Want to email Rebecca and get a meeting booked in to look at it? See what she thinks?”
Colin pulled up his emails immediately, already beginning to draft it “On it, I’ll send it to you as well and cc Keeley in.”
The meeting with Rebecca and Keeley had gone well, the scene had been locked in so Jamie and Colin were sorted which was definitely a relief, one less thing to worry about.
Colin had been dreading showcase but now that he had a scene that he was getting to do with Jamie he was really looking forward to it. Two years ago Colin would never have thought he’d be looking forward to doing a scene with Jamie Fucking Tartt but here he was, buzzing for rehearsals to start.
At the beginning of first year Jamie had been a cunt, big fish, small pond and all that. For years he’d been The Shit so when he’d moved to Richmond he’d thought that’d still be the case, how wrong he had been. Of course he was good, you didn’t get into drama school if you weren’t, but he was no longer the only talented one, so he’d over compensated, became an absolute Diva. For the first half of term he had his head up his arse and said and did whatever the fuck he wanted. It wasn’t until he and Roy, their Grotowski teacher, got into a massive, blowout argument one lesson that things started to change. Roy went on about discipline and etiquette, about reputation and blacklisting, and Jamie finally realised that he couldn’t keep acting like that, that it could cost him his career, so he began to work on himself, he began to make friends and actually care about others.
Colin had been the first person he became friends with, they’d been working together in combat and Colin was struggling with a sequence, Jamie worked through it slowly with him, taking him through it step by step, starting out slowly and then getting quicker with each repetition. Eventually Colin had mastered it and the two of them worked in slick harmony, the sound of their swords clashing proof of the hard work they’d done.
That evening Colin took Jamie out for a pint to repay him and the two had gotten chatting, bonding over a love of football and comparing favourite films and TV shows. What was supposed to be a pint turned into two which ended with a drunk Colin crashing with Jamie, the two sharing a bed as Jamie’s place had no sofa for Colin to sleep on. And from there Colin brought Jamie into his friendship group.
By the end of first year Colin and Isaac had asked Jamie if he wanted to live with them so the three began flat hunting. Colin liked having Jamie around, he was kind and funny and a little bit dense but it was charming, and they got along really well, being around Jamie made him happy. He loved being around Isaac too, they’d been best mates since induction, but with Jamie it was different, Jamie made him feel special, like he was the only person who mattered.
The three of them had moved into their new flat a week after the summer holidays started and a week before Colin was due to go in for top surgery. It was a stressful move for him, no time to dawdle as he had loads to get done before going in for surgery. He was getting it done in London so even though he’d moved all of his stuff he was staying in his old place with Trent, a reporter he was close with, so he wouldn’t have to worry about travelling back to Wales post-op. Jamie and Isaac insisted on helping out, coming over to hang out with Colin whilst Trent was at work. The three of them would relax on Colin’s bed, watching films and playing video games until Trent came home and cooked them all dinner.
After two weeks Colin moved back into the new flat, Jamie went home to visit his Mum and Stepdad, and Colin’s Mum and sister came down to visit. But eventually a new normal began to establish itself as Jamie returned to London and Colin’s family returned to Wales. The three of them settled into a comfortable routine almost immediately turning their little London flat into a home away from home. And it had all started with Roy yelling at Jamie.
Colin and Bumbercatch were sitting in the green room going over their scripts, they weren’t called for another hour so they’d decided to meet up early and go through the scene they’d be working on. There were snacks and drinks littering the table as well as an excessive amount of pencils and highlighters.
“I think there’s a unit there.” Moe said, stopping the read through as he noticed a thought change.
“Agreed” They both marked in the unit but before they could continue Jamie slid onto the bench squishing up against Colin so he could reach over and grab a biscuit. “Hello to you too Jamie.”
“Sorry, hi Col” He said around a mouthful of biscuit before turning to Moe “Alright, Bumber?
“Hey mate.”
“Fucking hell, Ribeana, you absolute child.” Jamie reached over Colin again, grabbed his drink and slurped about half of it.
“Oi, don’t slag me off and then steal it” Colin attempted to grab his drink but Jamie held it out of his reach.
“Didn’t say I didn’t like it, did I? But really, you had to choose the carton, not a bottle?”
“I like how it makes me feel. Now hand it over!”
“Seeing as you asked so politely” Jamie handed the carton back but proceeded to steal another biscuit. With that Jamie got up and walked off.
Colin turned back to his script as Moe watched him leave, once Jamie was out of the room Bumbercatch turned back to Colin, leaning over the table to get closer to his mate, shit eating grin on his face “What was that?”
“What do you mean?” Colin asked, looking genuinely confused.
“You and Jamie”
“What about me and Jamie?”
“You know” Moe wiggled his eyebrows.
“I really don’t know”
“Jesus fuck, I can’t believe you’re genuinly that bad at reading social cues. He was fucking flirting with you!” Moe whisper-screamed the last part, hoping the rest of the room didn’t hear him.
“He was not! He’s just fucking with me”
“Oh come on, admit it, he’s hot, you’re hot, you’re gay, he’s bi, you’ve got fucking chemistry for days, you’ve got loads in common, you’re like a match made in heaven. And I know that look, you like him too”
“I do not!” Colin tried to defend himself.
“Bless, you haven’t realised your feelings yet. Trust me, soon enough you’ll realise I’m right, and then you’re going to marry Jamie Tartt and adopt like ten dogs and fifteen cats and move to the Welsh countryside.”
Colin did NOT have a crush on Jamie Fucking Tartt, he did NOT! Jamie was his mate, that was it. Moe did not have a point, just because Moe was the most observant person in their friendship group, doesn’t mean he was always right. Moe Fucking Bumbercatch was NOT right about his crush on Jamie, the crush he totally didn’t have, no crush here, no siree.
Seeing Jamie in the kitchen first thing in the morning shovelling Frosties into his mouth didn’t make him smile, Jamie stealing his snacks didn’t make him laugh, and seeing that man act totally did not fill him with pride, and joy, and love, and euphoria, nope, not at all, never ever ever.
Oh fuck.
He had a crush on Jamie.
He had a crush on Jamie Fucking Tartt.
Shit.
Jamie was out for the evening with some of his cast, they’d decided to go out and do an adults night at a soft play area as bonding so he’d be gone for quite a while, getting drunk and throwing himself down slides and what not.
Colin had been having a bad day with his joints so he and Isaac had set up camp on his bed, the room lit by the fairy lights that circled Colin’s room, as mellow music played. Isaac was lying on the bed playing on his Switch whilst Colin relaxed against the headboard sketching him.
“Let's say hypothetically I have a crush on someone in our friendship group, what would you, hypothetically, suggest I do?” Colin asked out of the blue, not looking up from his book.
“Is this about your crush on Jamie?” Isaac paused his game, rolling onto his side and propping himself up on one elbow as Colin dropped his book out of sheer shock, his page lost.
“Am I the only one who didn’t realise this?”
“Other than Jamie, yeah”
“But is it really a crush if I don’t know it?” Colin challenged, really hoping Isaac would say no.
“Have your feelings towards Jamie changed since you figured out you’ve got a crush on him?” Isaac did not say no, fuck.
“I don’t think so?”
“But you’re aware you have a crush on him now?”
“Yeah…”
“So you just weren’t able to label the feeling, still a crush, you just didn’t know how to describe it.”
“Fuck boyo, I’m in love with Jamie Tartt” Colin let the confession fall out of him softly. Isaac shot upright, shock painted across his face “What?” Colin asked, looking concerned.
“Did you just say in love?”
“...Yeah? So?” Colin didn’t really like where this was going.
“In love?”
“That’s what I said”
“In love in love?”
“Yes Isaac, I said I was in love with Jamie, simple as, you were literally the one who outright asked me!” Colin was getting a little fed up with Isaac’s sudden change of pace.
“No, we were talking about you having a crush, which is extremely different to being in love with someone. You’re in love with Jamie! Bruv, you’re in love with Jamie! Holy fucking shit, you’re in love with Jamie!”
“Oh fuck” the reality of the situation hit Colin like a freight train to the heart.
He was in love with Jamie.
The next day was a Saturday meaning it was a football day, Richmond weren’t playing so the boys had the whole day to themselves to have a kickabout. Even though it was a cold November morning, frost gracing the ground and the boys' breaths visible with each exhale, they decided to play anyway, all wearing thermal layers, gloves and hats under their Richmond kit tops.
Colin’s joints were still playing up but he insisted on coming along, Isaac and Jamie had both tried to make him stay home in the warmth of their flat but Colin was stubborn and had no sense of self preservation so it was a losing battle. In the end Isaac and Jamie gave in and let him join them but made him promise not to play and keep warm. They grabbed the picnic blanket they kept at the flat and brought it along so Colin wouldn’t sit on the frozen floor or a cold bench and then made sure he was wrapped up in a thick, wool blanket, the only thing visible was his face, even his beanie was covered by the thick fabric. He had a large thermos of hot chocolate next to him and a hot water bottle hidden under the blanket, helping to keep him even warmer and prevent making his body feel worse. Although icing his joints helped this was a different kind of cold, one that would make everything worse.
He felt nice and cosy in his cocoon of heat, content to watch as everyone played and Will yelled from the sidelines. Next thing he knew he was waking up with his head in Jamie’s lap whilst the others were still playing. Upon seeing Colin awake Jamie spoke up “You were falling asleep sitting up, thought you might appreciate actually lying down.”
Colin nodded and let out a groggy “Thanks” before drifting off again.
Colin apparently snoozed for the rest of the morning, only waking up properly when Jamie shook his shoulder lightly “We’re getting ready to head out for pub lunch, lad.” Jamie was in the exact same position he’d been in the last time Colin woke up, sat cross legged, wrapped up in a massive jacket with Colin’s head in his lap. Colin sat up and released himself from the blanket he’d been wrapped in, feeling the cold in full force. He stood and offered Jamie his hand to help the other man to his feet. The group headed to The Crown And Anchor for a very late lunch/early dinner as was tradition, Colin was still a bit groggy so he was at the back of the group, Jamie at his side.
“You looked like a worm.” Jamie said out of the blue.
“I looked like a worm” Colin retorted.
“Oi, I weren’t doing a Meisner exercise you dickhead.” Jamie laughed and bumped their shoulders together.
“I will Meisner you all I like when you’re being mean to me.” Colin stuck his tongue out at Jamie. Jamie then linked their arms together as they finished the last of their walk, not that they’d been that far from the pub in the first place though.
The group settled down in a quiet corner, pints scattered about. Colin had ended up sat opposite Jamie who was sandwiched in between Dani and Sam, whilst Colin was between Isaac and Moe. Once the group had ordered food Colin pulled his sketch book and a pen out of his bag and began absentmindedly sketching as they all chatted.
“How are you feeling Colin?” He looked up upon hearing Sam’s voice.
“Yeah, I’m alright, bit sore”
“You look very cute when you sleep, especially when you had Jamie as a pillow” Although Dani’s smile was sweet and sincere Colin knew what he was really up to, the sneaky bastard was trying to matchmake.
“Yeah, think I needed that rest, will definitely sleep well tonight though.”
“You’ve literally slept all morning.” Moe pointed out “You’re not going to sleep at all.”
“Oh no he will, I’ve seen days where he’s only awake for four hours and still managed to sleep through the night.” Jamie said, a shit eating grin on his face.
“Hey! It’s exhausting being a little guy in this big, wide world.” Colin protested.
Moe scoffed loudly, “Say’s you! You don’t see me sleeping all day and I’m way shorter than you.”
“You’re an exception to the rule, too much energy to contain in that tiny body of yours” Colin jabbed his pen in Bumbercatch’s direction before going back to sketching.
Eventually Mae arrived with food, the boys shuffling drinks, phones and other belongings around on the table to make space for the plates. There was light chatter as they ate, everyone too focused on the food to hold a proper conversation. But once plates had been cleared and Sam and Jan had grabbed more drinks from the bar the conversation picked up in full force again. Colin went back to sketching, content to just listen, his social battery starting to die. He ended up rearranging himself so he was sat in the booth sideways, legs draped over Isaac’s lap, notebook balanced on his legs as he kept working, only ever stopping to reach over and grab his drink.
At some point Colin popped to the loo, it was only as he was walking back to the table that he realised he’d left his notebook open, face up on the table. Fuck. Upon his return he could see Jamie holding the book, Dani and Sam looking over his shoulder. Double fuck.
He awkwardly scooched back into his spot, “Do you mind if I have my notebook back please, boyo?” He was quiet and timid, knowing that Jamie had seen the sketch of him he’d been working on.
Jamie handed it back, a soft smile on his face, “I really like it, really captured me sexy, sexy face.”
“Yes, the smile is perfect.” Dani added.
The sketch was of Jamie from earlier, laughing at something Isaac had said, smile wide, eyes scrunched shut, a few strands of hair slipping from his headband onto his face. A half drunk pint in his hand, the other slapping the table where the drawing finished.
Colin took the book, “It’s not finished yet, still got some shading to do.” Colin began to wrap the leather cord around the book to keep it shut before stuffing it in his bag.
“Don’t stop on our account” Sam said, a knowing look in his eye.
“It’s fine, I should really be paying attention to the conversation.”
“Gimmie that pen” Jamie made grabby hands at Colin until he handed over one of the pens from his pencil case. “And some paper” Colin grabbed his notebook out again and ripped a sheet of paper out for him. “Keep drawing, I’ll join you.”
As the others chatted Jamie and Colin sat in silence sketching away. Half an hour and another round of pints later they’d both finished, Jamie held his up proudly “It’s you!”
Jamie was most definitely not an artist, not by a long shot, it was messy and looked like a five year old had drawn it but it was endearing. He handed it over to Colin who took it “You should put that on the fridge, use one of your Welsh fridge magnets.” Jamie told him leaving no room for argument. “Now show me yours” Colin handed the book over, Jamie took it, as soon as he saw it his face morphed into a sappy smile.
The sketch was the same as before just with more shading, making the Jamie on the page really come to life. “This is fucking nuts!” Colin never really showed his art to other people, sure they saw him sketching in public but he kept his work close to his chest. “Can I have a flick?” Colin nodded and Jamie began to peruse the rest of the book.
The pages were filled with a plethora of sketches, there was one of Moe giving a full out performance, bent over screaming, tears running down his face, anguish in his eyes. There was another of Jamie, cooking in the kitchen, dancing along to some BritPop. One of his sister from a recent trip home, their mum’s dog pressing her wet snout against Ceri’s face, making her laugh. Dani in the green room having a nap on one of the sofa’s. Jamie sat at the kitchen looking perturbed about something or another. Isaac playing video games, an intense look on his face, tongue poking out. Jamie lying on Colin’s bed talking passionately about football. Jamie eating burnt toast. Jamie watching a movie. Jamie dancing in the kitchen at 3am. Jamie, Jamie Jamie.
“Fucking hell these are good.” He said, staring at the art in aew, he shook himself out of it, cracking a joke. “Helps that you’ve chosen the perfect subject to draw.”
“Well, you’ve got a nice face.” As soon as he said it it was out in the open, fuck. He had to backtrack “to draw! You have a nice face to draw!”
Jamie blushed before deflecting “Well I am the perfect muse. If I’d been around in the olden times the Mona Lisa would be the Mona Jamie.” That got a laugh out of the table. Jamie handed the book back to Colin, fingers lightly brushing. God it was fucking corny.
That night Colin was sat on his bed, copying his Jamie sketch from that day onto watercolour paper when there was a knock at the door.
“Come in” Isaac poked his head around the door.
“Jamie fell asleep on the sofa and I’m bored, wanna sit in silence together whilst we do our own thing?”
“Sure thing.” Isaac came into the room and closed the door behind him, Switch in hand. He took up his usual position on Colin’s bed, lying along it on his front. They sat in silence, the only sounds the click of buttons, the occasional scratch of pencil on paper, and soft music playing through a speaker on the bedside table. They stayed like that for two hours, Isaac playing Hades and Colin drawing, he eventually moved over to the floor and swapped his pencils and outline pen for watercolour paints. He slowly worked the paint into the paper, taking his time to get Jamie’s skin tone perfect, making sure his hair shone in exactly the same way it had in the pub’s light.
After another few hours Colin was finished. he put the paper on his desk to dry before flopping back on his bed, he was already in his PJs so was already proper comfy. He curled up next to Isaac, watching him play, the two of them satisfied to just lie there in silence. Colin drifted in and out of sleep, feeling cosy and safe, but eventually Isaac got up to go to bed. Just before Isaac left he turned to Colin “You should give Jamie some art of him as a gift, he’d like it.” And with that he left.
Nate could be a brutal director, honest, to the point, he worked his cast hard and didn’t hold back when it came to notes, which wasn’t great when Colin had fragile self esteem (Jan kept telling him he needed to grow a thicker skin or he wouldn’t survive in the industry but that was easier said than done).
“You need to listen, Colin, you’re preempting the lines and it shows, you need to connect with Moe. You’re a Meisner actor, right?” Colin nodded “Then act like it, you need to transfer those skills out of the exercises and into the room and right now you’re not doing that. Moe, same goes for you. The two of you actually need to talk to each other, right now you’re boring to watch because you’re just doing a scene, you’re not drawing me in, it doesn’t feel natural. Go again.”
Colin and Bumbercatch began again, running the scene until Nate was happy that they were finally listening and responding.
As Colin was leaving at the end of rehearsals Nate called him over “Hey, you doing alright?”
“Yeah I’m fine, absolutely peachy” he was clearly lying through his teeth.
“You know I’m only being picky right? You’re doing really well up there, I’m just ironing out the last few creases before you leave.”
“Yeah, I know” Colin refused to make eye contact.
“Look Colin you’re good, okay? You’re really good. And if you’d get out of your head for one second you’d see that. Hell you have the chance to really make something of yourself, you just need to trust in yourself and trust in the work, you know what you’re doing so do it, don’t worry about the rest.” When Colin didn’t say anything Nate powered on “I’m going to give you a piece of advice I’d only ever give to a third year, alright? Don’t tell the firsts or seconds I said this because they’ll take it the wrong way. Stop trying. Take a breath, live in the moment and stop. fucking, trying. Do you understand what I’m getting at?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“Good, now fuck off and have a break, I’ll see you in an hour.”
“Got it, thanks gaffer.” Colin left the studio actually feeling better. When he’d first started working with Nate he was convinced the guy didn’t like him but as rehearsals had gone on and he spoke to more people it became apparent that the man was just working him hard.
Jamie’s show was the first of the season, for three days he disappeared off of the face of the earth as he worked through tech, three days of starting at nine in the morning and finishing at ten at night. Colin would see him in the kitchen most mornings but wouldn’t see him till the next day unless they bumped into each other in the building. Colin hadn’t realised how much he’d miss Jamie until tech week started, didn’t realise fleeting moments in the kitchen at six thirty in the morning wouldn’t be enough. He voiced this to Isaac on Wednesday night whilst they were cooking dinner together.
“Bruv, you’ve got it bad for him, just tell him how you feel.”
“But what if it ruins our friendship? I’d rather just stay friends rather than lose him all together.”
“You’re not going to lose him, he’d fully say yes if you asked him out on a date.”
“You don’t know that”
“No, I do know that”
“Why? Has he said something?”
“He doesn’t have to”
It was one of those days, Colin’s show had just finished the day before and he was exhausted. The post show adrenaline crash had hit him quickly and the post show drinks did nothing to help, he hadn’t stayed out as late as the others, getting home just after midnight. He didn’t have a clue what time Isaac and Jamie got back, he’d fallen asleep almost instantly and they hadn’t woken him up when they got home (if they’d come home). It’d been a good night, Colin’s cast had been joined by some others from their year and it’d gotten pretty wild pretty quickly. They’d started at The Crown and Anchor but migrated to a club at around eleven. Colin had dipped very soon after arriving at the club, the noise too overwhelming for his already frazzled brain.
He woke up fairly early, sorted out his testosterone before going into the kitchen to grab some breakfast. It had been a taxing show both physically and mentally, for a play about stocks and wire fraud it was weirdly intense, so everything ached (even without the joint problems he would’ve still hurt, so with EDS added on top of that it made it all a hundred times worse) and he still felt exhausted. As he walked past the living room he saw Jan asleep on the sofa and Bumbercatch on the floor which meant at least one of his flat mates had made it home after the wild night out.
He got himself a bowl of coco pops and sat at the kitchen table eating whilst scrolling through his phone looking at all the photos and videos from the night before, it looked like it’d been fun. He came across a video on Jan’s story of Jamie, Isaac and Moe stumbling down the street, drunk as anything, singing a song from the show (although Isaac and Jamie hadn’t been in the show, much like everyone else in the building, they’d heard the song echoing through the halls enough to know it off by heart, and it’s not like the words were hard, it was literally just the word ‘why’ on a loop). Well if all four of them were involved in the video and Moe and Jan were in the living room logically Jamie and Isaac would also have made it home.
Colin spent some time pottering around the kitchen getting the odd job done before retreating back into his room. He settled on his bed and put a film on on his laptop. He needed to watch something he knew like the back of his hand so he ended up putting Pride on, a classic go to for him. He was half way through when he began to feel drowsy again so he curled up on his bed and grabbed a pillow. He knew this was dangerous territory, he should’ve gotten up and moved around a bit, gotten a snack, something other than laying down and getting cosy. Within five minutes he was snoozing, snoring lightly as the film kept on playing.
He slowly came to consciousness with a yawn and a big stretch. He sat up and reached for his phone, checking the time, it was ten, he’d slept through the whole day, fuck. It wasn't surprising given the week he’d had but still. He went to put his phone on the bedside table only to be greeted by a sandwich, glass of water and a note. He picked up the note and the sandwich, beginning to eat as he read it.
Colin,
I made you a sandwich :)
Thought I’d let you sleep as you’ve had a big week (big week for a little guy hehe) but here’s a sandwich and some water for when you wake up!
Bone apple teeth!
Love,
Jamie :)
He grabbed his phone and sent a quick thank you text to Jamie before going back to eating. Almost immediately there was a knock at his door followed by the face of one Jamie Tartt.
“Morning sleeping beauty, good nap?”
“Considering I slept for ten hours I wouldn’t really call it a nap.” Colin had a mouth half full of food but decided to talk anyway, manners be damned.
Jamie scuttled into the room and sat down on Colin’s bed, reaching over and grabbing some stray cheese from off of the plate. Colin held the plate out to him, offering the other half of the sandwich. “Nah lad, that’s yours.”
“Go on, take it.”
“Nope, nu-uh, we’re not doing this again, eat the rest of your sandwich, and don’t forget the crusts.”
“But I don’t think I’d suit curly hair”
“Firstly I think you would, secondly that’s an old wives tale.”
“Nope, my mum eats loads of bread crusts and her hair is curly.”
“Correlation doesn’t indicate causation”
“Wow, big words for a big boy.” Jamie flipped him off, trying to hold back a laugh.
“I’m not wrong though. Now eat your fucking sandwhich!” They sat in silence for a moment as Colin started on the second half of the sandwich.
“You sure you don’t want some?”
“I’ve already eaten, you haven’t.”
“Yeah but I’m not hungry”
“Yes you are, your brain is just shit at registering it, so stop being a twat and eat up.”
“Gah, fine” Colin made a show of the next bite “Happy now?”
“Very”
After another mouthful Colin changed the subject “How was last night?”
“Yeah, really good fun, you dipped at the perfect time though, the club was way to much, even for me”
“Wow, the great Jamie Tartt found a club he can’t handle, that is a first.”
“Ha ha, very funny. It was cool though, they had, like, pole dancing poles but no pole dancers. Thierry and me got up and started trying to dance on them but security threatened to kick us out if we didn’t stop.” Colin remembered seeing videos of those particular events on Sam’s insta, it looked exactly how you’d expect, Jamie and Thierry both shirtless, cleary drunk as fuck, trying to spin around on poles.
“Did you stop?”
“Well we got kicked out of the club sooo…” There was a mischievous glint in Jamie’s eyes, Colin did his best to commit it to memory so he could draw it later.
“God you’re a nightmare.”
“Yeah, but I’m your nightmare. Anyway, we ended up at G.A.Y after that but we bumped into Roy which was fucking weird, but he bought us all shots and introduced us to some drag queens so that was really cool. Then we all forced him to watch us do Grotowski on the dance floor.”
“Jesus fuck, I can’t tell if he’d be proud or embarrased” Colin had also seen the videos of that particular incident, Jamie and the boys looking even drunker than before and allowing their movements to be guided by different body parts.
“He just walked off and pretended not to know us.”
“Yep, that sounds like Roy.”
“Oh fuck, and Beard was there too!”
“What? Together? Wait! Do you think Beard and Roy are…” Colin raised his eyebrows and tilted his head forward slightly.
“Fuck I hope not, can you imagine how weird the energy in the building would be?”
They continued to chat about the night before, Jamie filling Colin in on the excitement as well as the drama, who was hooking up with who and the like. At some point they’d ended up lying down side by side under the covers, legs tangled with Colin’s head on Jamie’s chest. They stayed like that until they both drifted off to sleep.
With contemporary season finished the third years began prepping for showcase, to give everyone as much time as possible with their directors they were split into four groups each with a different director. Colin and Jamie had ended up in Rebecca’s group, to say Colin was bricking it was an understatement. Now, Rebecca was lovely and she was a damn good director but that didn’t make her any less scary.
“Alright, let’s begin with a read of the scene please boys.” She was sat behind a table, cup of tea to the side and the script in front of her. Colin awkwardly shuffled for a moment before turning to Jamie, the pair began the scene, still on book, but it was their first rehearsal so it was fine.
“Lovely, talk me through these characters then.” She said once they’d finished the whole thing.
The three of them spent the next hour working through characters and locations, looking through the scene and finding the units and discussing character objectives.
Once he got into the flow Colin began to relax around Rebecca, it was the most he’d worked with her so he hadn’t been sure what to expect at the beginning but it turned out they had a very similar approach to text, they were speaking the same language and Colin was thriving.
When they were done in the room they headed into the green room, a few of their mates gathered around a table, Will was amongst them and they were all looking at a tablet screen that was in the middle of the table. The two of them went over to join their mates and get a look at the mystery screen that had them all so focused.
“‘Ello lads, what we looking at then?” Jamie asked, standing behind Will placing his hands on the other man’s shoulders. Colin squashed onto the bench next to Isaac and leaned over to get a look.
“Higgins sent a cryptic email, we’re trying to decipher it.” Will explained.
Jamie grabbed the tablet and began to read it.
Hello lovely first years,
I hope you are well
tomorrow you have an hour long talk at 5pm
Please be prompt, studio tbc
If you can’t attend please let me or Keeley know
It is mandatory
You are not in trouble
Regards,
Leslie Higgins (He/Him)
Head Of First Year
“It’s ominous, right?” Will asked.
“Yeah, but that’s just what Higgins is like, it’ll probably be a module overview meeting. He's just too old to not write weird emails.” Jamie explained. A ripple of “oh”s went around the table as it clicked for everyone.
“I miss Higgins, miss his cryptic emails” Colin leant his head against Isaac’s shoulder.
“Make up a reason to email him then bruv, ask a question about Chekov.” Isaac suggested.
“Yes! You could ask him for clarification on inner and outer body” Dani offered.
“Or you could ask for advice on agents? He does know a lot of people in the industry.” Sam countered.
“But isn’t that more of Keeley’s job? She’s literally our industry liaison.” Moe shot down Sam’s idea.
“Why don’t you just email him and say hello?”
“Jamie being the voice of reason for once, never thought I’d see the day.” Moe joked.
“Nah that’d be weird. Will, can I live vicariously through you, read all of Leslie’s emails that he sends out?”
“Who the fuck calls him Leslie?” Jamie scoffed, no one called Higgins by his first name other than Rebecca, and apparently Colin now.
Colin shrugged “It’s his name, isn’t it?”
“Don’t mean you should call him that, it’s weird!”
“You’re weird”
“No, you’re weird”
So showcase rehearsals were weird, Colin should’ve expected it really, he was more than aware of his feelings towards Jamie and here they were doing a bloody romance scene with a kiss and all! They’d had their intimacy co-ordinator, Sharon, in to choreograph the kiss in the first week of rehearsals, Colin knew it was different to how kissing Jamie in real life would feel afterall it was just choreography as opposed to an actual kiss, he had to separate himself from it and focus on it being his character who was kissing Jamie’s character. But it was going well, they were spending a lot of time together again in a very intimate environment, all things considered it felt nice, it felt right.
Colin thought Jamie might feel the same way, the look on his face giving it away, but Jamie was a good actor so surly that was why, but whenever Rebecca ended the scene to give notes that look never left Jamie’s face. So maybe he did feel the same, maybe Colin actually had a chance.
It was Jamie who found him, out cold on the living room floor, blood leaking onto the carpet. Jamie wasn’t a squeamish person but walking into the living room to an unconscious Colin bleeding from the head on the floor was nauseating.
Jamie was panicking, he didn't know what to do, he really wished Isaac was there, he probably also wouldn’t know what to do but at least there’d be two of them.
He knelt down next to Colin lightly tapping his cheek “Hey lad, you with me?” It took a couple more taps before Colin opened his eyes “Hey Col, talk to me mate.”
“Hey boyo, you alright?” He sounded groggy but at least he was conscious now.
“I should be the one asking you that.” Jamie let out a small laugh, trying to mask his worry.
“Got a headache.”
“Well, looks like you took quite the bashing so I’m not surprised.” Jamie got Colin sat up and some kitchen towel for him to hold to his forehead. He proceeded to call the emergency services who sent an ambulance out. Colin and Jamie sat together for an hour waiting until there was a knock at the door, Jamie went and answered it, finding paramedics on the other side. Jamie showed them through to the living room.
“Hey, it’s Colin right?” One of the paramedics asked, kneeling in front of him, Colin nodded, immediately regretting it as his head throbbed “I’m Gracie and this is Dominic, it’s lovely to meet you.”
“Likewise.” He smiled at her, she seemed nice.
“Can you tell me what happened?” Her voice was soft and kind, Colin decided he liked her.
“Head got all buzzy, tripped, must’ve fallen into the table on the way down.”
“Can you explain buzzy to me?”
“You know, like, when it feels like you’re forced forward and everything feels all staticy, but it’s all in your head?”
“I don’t know that feeling Colin.” She started to clean up his forehead, “Do you know what causes the buzz?”
“It’s from when I don’t take my meds.”
“Right, and when was the last time you took them?”
A look of intense concentration took over his face, mouthing numbers as he counted. “Four days.”
“And how quickly does withdrawal kick in usually?”
“A day”
She sighed, “Yep, that’ll do it.” Gracie and her partner continued to get him all cleaned up and sorted. “Colin, do you and Jamie live together?”
“Yeah”
“Alrighty, new rule then, you’ve got to be more on top of taking your meds, so Jamie,” She turned to the other man “Can you help out? Make sure he’s taking them?”
“‘Course, don’t want a repeat of today, do we lad?”
The paramedics stayed for a little bit longer, finishing up with Colin and making sure he was okay before heading off. They’d confirmed that Colin was fine, head wounds were always bleeders and the main issue was the shock of the situation rather than any actual head injury, which helped put Colin and Jamie at ease.
“Sorry I scared you.” Colin apologised as soon as Jamie returned to the living room after showing the paramedics out.
“It’s fine, just glad you’re okay. Not the best idea to skip your meds though, was it?.” Jamie sat down next to Colin so they were both on the floor with their backs against the sofa, exhausted.
“Yeah I know.” Colin looked sheepish, refusing to look at Jamie.
“Why’d you do it then?” Colin shrugged. “I need you to tell me Col, this is serious.” He was trying really hard not to get snippy with Colin, but he wasn’t making it easy.
“Brain said no.”
Jamie let out an exasperated sigh, he knew Colin could get like this, he’d lived with him for long enough to know he went through periods where he didn’t take his meds for one reason or another. “And why’d it say no?”
“Bad texture.”
Talking to Colin when he was in this kind of mood was always an uphill battle but they needed to discuss it so Jamie had to try no matter how frustrated he was getting. “Doesn’t mean you can’t take them, they’re important, and look where it got us.”
“I know, just hard.”
“It’s also fucking stupid.” He’d reached his limit, Colin was being difficult and he couldn’t take it anymore, so yeah maybe Prick Jamie was starting to make an appearance but who could blame him, this was serious.
“I’m fully aware I’m stupid Jamie, you don’t need to remind me,” Colin started to get agitated, which agitated Jamie even further, he was only trying to help but Colin wouldn’t let him.
“I said it was a stupid idea, not that you were stupid, Jesus Christ. Not everyone is trying to hurt you Hughes, some of us actually care believe it or not.” And now Prick Jamie was out in full force, old habits die hard and all that.
“Do they? Because I’m pretty sure I’m the weakest link, the one who could go and no one would care.” Colin stood up to leave but was stopped by Jamie’s hand around his wrist.
“I’d care.” Jamie pulled himself up off of the floor, there wasn’t much of a height difference between them but enough of one that Jamie was looking down at Colin, “You’re fucking dense you are. And it’s fucking rude of you to say I wouldn’t care because I do, I care, I care a-fucking-lot. But no, you’ve got to put on this whole woe is me act, and I’m fucking fed up with it.” As soon as he said it he regretted it, knew it was wrong, but instead of making amends he doubled down and pushed harder. “You make it really hard for me sometimes, I just want to help and you’re constantly pushing everyone away with all your…” He flailed his hands around at Colin, trying to articulate his point “issues and that.”
“Well I’m sorry I’m such a fucking burden, sorry it’s so hard being around me. If I’m that awful why don’t you just fuck off then, yeah?”
“Oh look at that, here we go again, always the victim aren’t we. ‘Oh look at me I’m Colin Hughes I’m a worthless piece of shit and everyone knows it boo hoo hoo’ you’re fucking pathetic you are.”
“Fuck you Jamie, I am trying my best here. I’m sorry we’ve not all got the confidence of Jamie Fucking Tartt, some of us aren’t as lucky as you, some of us are having to deal with a lot of shit in our brain.” Colin could feel the walls in his brain coming up to protect him, those same walls trapping a loop of self deprecating thoughts, creating a hole for him to fall deeper and deeper down.
“Oh, come on! We get it you’ve got shit self esteem, so stop fucking milking it.”
“Milking it? Do you know how hard I’ve worked to not hate myself? I have worked my arse off but it still doesn’t work. I am stuck like this. Broken. Damaged goods. And here you are, the perfect Jamie Tartt, a god amongst men, the best of the best, assuming I could be just like you if I really wanted to be. You don’t know what this feels like, but trust me if I could have even half of your confidence I would” Colin stopped for a second, took a breath trying to stave off a panic attack before continuing. “You know what, fuck this and fuck you, I’m not dealing with this shit.” Colin walked off to his room on shaky legs.
Behind him Jamie called out, “Go on then, run away from your fucking problems, real mature Hughes.”
Colin shoved clothes and toiletries into a bag, hands refusing to stop shaking, before returning and walking to the front door, grabbing his shoes and slipping them on.
“Where the fuck are you going?”
“Home.”
“But this is home”
“Is it? Because right now you’re not making it feel very homely. I’m heading home home, I’ll be back on Tuesday for rehearsals.”
“So you’re just leaving? Because we had one argument over a stupid decision, a decision that could’ve killed you? You need to grow a backbone Hughes, you fucking jaundice worm.”
Colin turned on his heels so he was face to face with Jamie. “Don’t you dare call me that, you have no fucking right.” Colin could feel his eyes start to well up, his breathing slipping further, if he didn’t get out now he was going to hyperventilate. “And to think I loved you. You know there was a moment there when I thought maybe you’d love me back, but I’m really just a burden to you. Really glad I know where I stand.” And with that Colin left, slamming the door behind him.
Colin loved him? Colin loved him! Colin loved him and Jamie had fucked it, all because he was too stupid to think before he spoke.
Colin had a panic attack on the corner of their road, unable to hold himself together any longer, when he was done he straightened up and headed to Paddington, booking the first train he could. He didn’t tell his Mum he was coming, didn’t think to, too wrapped up in his feelings. As soon as he arrived in Cellan after a long and complicated journey that only made him feel worse, he went straight to his Mum’s shop. The door beeped as he went in, the artificial bell alerting his Mum, who was behind the counter with her back to him, restocking cigarettes, that someone had entered the shop.
“I’ll just be a second.” She called, not stopping her work.
“Mum…” Upon hearing his voice Dylis turned around.
“Colin? Beth ydych chi'n ei wneud yma cariad? [Colin? What are you doing here love?]” she came around to the front of the counter and pulled him into a hug, Colin collapsed into her sobbing. “O, fy melys. Dewch ymlaen, fe wna i siocled poeth i chi a gallwch chi ddweud y cyfan wrthyf i [Oh, my sweet. Come on, I'll make you a hot chocolate and you can tell me all about it]”
Colin went into the back room whilst his Mum went to nab some hot chocolate powder. He curled up on the sofa they had back there with his Mum’s dog Tywysoges, the two of them watching his Mum as she pottered about the back room. Tywysoges took up most of the sofa, Colin only getting a tiny spot, and even then the dog had her massive head in Colin’s lap demanding head scratches.
“Iawn, allan ag ef, beth ddigwyddodd? [Alright, out with it, what happened?]” She said as she sat down on the sofa, handing Colin a mug and manoeuvring herself so she didn’t disturb the dog.
“Lleisiais i a bu'n rhaid i Jamie ffonio ambiwlans, ond fe wnaethon ni frwydro yn ei gylch. Roedd yn fam ddrwg iawn [I passed out and Jamie had to call an ambulance, but we got into a fight about it. It was really bad mum]” He put his hot chocolate down and curled up, leaning into his Mum. “Dywedodd rhai pethau erchyll iawn [He said some really horrid stuff]”
“Beth ddywedodd e? [What did he say?]” She put her own mug down before wrapping her arms around him. She chose not to mention the ambulance, knowing that it wasn’t the time, they could talk about that later but right now her little boy was upset and needed his mum to look after him.
“Galwodd fi'n llyngyr clefyd melyn, dywedodd fod angen i mi dyfu asgwrn cefn, fy ngalw'n drwchus, dywedodd fy mod bob amser yn chwarae'r dioddefwr a'i fod wedi cael llond bol arno. [He called me a jaundice worm, said I needed to grow a backbone, called me dense, said I always play the victim and that he was fed up of it.] Colin started to cry again, not sobbing this time but tears were still leaking out. He buried his face in her shoulder and wrapped his arms around her waist, holding on for dear life. “Dwi wir yn ei garu Mum, wedi hyn i gyd dwi dal yn ei garu [I really love him Mum, after all this I still love him]”
Colin stayed with his Mum for the rest of the day, napping on the sofa as she went out to help customers. At first Colin had kept his phone on but it kept blowing up with messages from Jamie, and then Isaac, but eventually he turned it off not wanting to deal with it.
It was a football day, the boys met at their usual cafe, Isaac and Jamie the last to arrive, the absence of the third member of their household didn’t go unnoticed.
“Where’s Colin?” Moe asked once they’d sat down.
“Ask Jamie.” Isaac grunted, sending Jamie a death glare.
“He’s in Wales.”
“Want to tell them why?”
“We had a fight.” He quickly tried to jump to his defence “The paramedics had literally just left and I were scared and worried and it just all came out!”
“Paramedics? What happened?” Sam asked.
“I got home to find him unconscious on the floor after hitting his head on the coffee table.”
“Fuck, is he alright?” Moe gripped his mug, trying to keep his hands from shaking as worry took over.
“He’s fine, just a bit banged up.” Jamie said, calming the table's worries, “Turns out it happened because he hadn’t been taking his meds, fucked with his head, right, weren’t stable and he went down, hitting his head on the table in the process. It were really scary, and when we spoke about it he were being really difficult and I didn’t know what to do so I panicked and got arsey with him.”
“What did you say to him?” Sam tried to approach the subject carefully, knowing shit was about to hit the fan but hoping to prolong the peace for as long as possible.
When Jamie didn’t answer Isaac elbowed him in the ribs with a grunt.
“I told him he were really hard to look after, because I were tired of all his self esteem bullshit, called his pathetic.” There was a sharp inhale of breath from the whole table, everyone well aware of how that was something you did not say to Colin, especially not like that. “Called him a jaundice worm, said he were milking all his self esteem stuff, that it were an act.”
“What the fuck Jamie!” Moe said, slamming his hands on the table as he stood, using the fact that Jamie was sat down to his advantage, able to tower over the other man for once. “You can’t just say shit like that, you know what he’s like. Jesus christ, that’s going to set him back months, you know that, right? He’d just gotten to a really good place and then you had to go and do that. You live with him, you should know better than anyone.”
“Yeah, I know, but you weren’t there, if you’d seen it I bet you would’ve been the same.” Jamie attempted to defend himself but he sounded meek.
“No I wouldn’t’ve, don’t you dare imply that I would.” He pointed an accusatory finger at Jamie, “You’ve fucked up and you’re going to have to deal with the consequences, we’re not bailing you out of this. I know I speak for everyone when I say that we’re backing Colin on this one, you’re only getting back in our good books when you’re back in Colin’s, that clear?”
Jamie nodded “Yeah, that’s fair.” He stood awkwardly, getting ready to leave, “Enjoy footy, yeah?” And then he walked out of the cafe.
Jamie couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that Colin loved him, Jamie hadn’t thought it was possible, sweet, kind Colin Hughes could never have feelings for Jamie Tartt, but he did, and Jamie fucked it up. He’d sent text after text to Colin but they all went unanswered.
It was Monday and he was seriously considering getting on a train and going to Wales so he could talk to him in person, apologise, try and make amends, he knew Colin would never forgive him, should never forgive him, but part of him hoped he would. But he couldn't remember the name of Colin's village, he couldn’t just hop on a train to Wales and hope for the best, so he stayed put.
Early Tuesday morning Colin got back, silently creeping through the front door. Isaac was in the kitchen making breakfast, as soon as he saw Colin he went over to him and pulled him into a hug. Colin clinged on, fresh tears silently falling. “If you want me to kick him out for a few days I will, send him to crash on someone’s sofa.” Colin shook his head. “Alright, but whatever you need let me know, okay bruv” Colin nodded.
Jamie came into the kitchen to see Isaac holding Colin. “Colin?” Colin just buried himself further into Isaac.
“Fuck off Jamie.” Isaac grunted out.
“Can I just say me piece and then I’ll be gone.” He held his hands up in surrender. Isaac bent down and whispered to Colin who nodded before pulling away, Isaac kept a hand on his mate’s shoulder before saying “Alright.”
“I am so sorry for what I said.” Jamie put his arms down. “It were uncalled for and untrue, I were scared and deflecting which led to me saying some really cruel things. I think me subconscious were trying to push you away so I didn’t get hurt, but instead I hurt you. I were so scared of losing you but that’s exactly what happened. I don’t want to lose you Col, because I love you, but it’s okay if you don’t want anything to do with me after this, I wouldn’t blame you at all.”
“I do still love you Jamie, but I need some time if that’s okay.”
“Course lad.” Jamie nodded before walking off awkwardly.
Colin and Jamie commuted to school separately, Colin beating him to it. When he got in he went straight to the green room where he was met by an overjoyed Dani. As soon as he saw him Dani shot up from his seat and practically climbed over tables and first years to get to him.
“Colin!” He pulled Colin into a huge hug and swung him around, how he didn’t hit anyone in the tiny space was a miracle. “Are you okay?” He lightly touched the skin just below where the plaster was still on Colin’s forehead.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, it looks worse than it actually is, trust me.” Dani’s concern warmed his heart.
“Good, Isaac said you went home for the weekend, was it nice?” Dani purposefully avoided the Jamie situation, not wanting to upset Colin.
Colin sighed “You want to know about Jamie, don’t you?” Dani nodded, pulling a face that made him look slightly constipated, “It sucked and I’m still angry but he’s apologised, think I just need some time.”
“Of course amigo, that is completely understandable. We were all very worried when you didn’t turn up on Saturday and then hearing everything that happened with Jamie and the paramedics, I’m very sorry you had to go through that. But I am here for you, we all are.”
Before Colin could respond Jamie barged into the green room heading for the fridge but before he could get any further than the doorway he saw Colin and backed out slowly, looking extremely awkward.
Dani grabbed Colin’s hand and dragged him over to the table he’d previously been at, he forced him into a seat and then sat down next to him, Thierry and Richard were also sat at the table, both greeting him before going back to their work. Dani handed Colin a slice of watermelon from his lunch. “Here, have some of this, the shop below my flat had some on sale, so I bought a huge one.” Colin took it off of him doing his best to pick out and eat around the seeds, Dani would periodically hand him another slice whilst he told him all about the match they had played on Saturday.
Eventually Colin had to go and rehearse, he didn’t really want to as it meant seeing Jamie, he didn’t know if he was ready for that, but he didn’t have a choice, so he said goodbye to the boys and trudged off to the studio.
The energy in the room was weird to say the least, the discomfort heavy in the air. Rebecca had noticed it immediately but held off saying anything until after the first run of the scene, hoping they’d be able to put it aside for the sake of the work.
“Pull up a chair and sit down.” She said, indicating the space in front of her, they both grabbed chairs and settled down. As they got comfy she had a sip of her tea before looking at them both long and hard. “What’s happened?”
“Nothing” They both replied in unison.
“No I don’t buy it, spit it out, what happened.” Rebecca sat patiently, taking another sip of her tea whilst she waited for one of them to speak up.
“We got into a fight.” Colin finally admitted.
“And you couldn’t leave it at the door?”
“If I could’ve I would’ve but it was really bad.”
“Care to expand on ‘bad’ for me Colin?”
“I ran off to Wales because of it”
“Right” Rebecca took another sip of her tea before putting the cup down. “And who started it?”
“It’s hard to say.” Jamie said at the exact time Colin said “Jamie”
“I did not!” Jamie huffed.
“You did, you got snappy first and called me stupid”
“I did not call you stupid, I called you not taking your meds stupid”
“It’s the same thing!”
“Boys, calm down, yelling isn’t going to get us anywhere. Colin, talk me through your side of the story please.” Colin began to explain everything that happened; passing out, the paramedics, his conversation/argument with Jamie, storming off and going to Wales, the lot.
Once he was done Rebecca asked for Jamie’s side of the story, he ended up corroborating everything minus how the argument started “I were trying to talk to him about taking his meds and everything but he were being difficult and not really answering so it started to get heated and then we were yelling at each other.”
Once they’d both finished telling their side of the story Rebecca picked up her cup and took a long sip of tea. “So what I’m hearing is; Colin made a decision that had negative consequences and Jamie your reaction was to get riled up, as a result Colin you started to get aggravated too and you both began to feed into that cycle making the situation worse, correct?” They both nodded. “And you want to fix this?” Another set of nods. “Then talk it out like adults, for god sake boys, how old are you?”
“Twenty one,” Jamie said.
“Twenty two,” Colin added.
“So yes, you’re adults, you’d better get talking and resolve this.” She drank the last of her tea before getting up to leave. “We’ll reschedule this rehearsal for another day, the room is yours until four so I suggest you fix your shit.” And with that she left.
They sat in silence for a while, neither of them wanting to be the first to speak. Eventually Jamie spoke up. “I were really scared, you know? Weren’t expecting to find you on the floor when I got back from the shops and that.”
“Didn’t mean you had to yell at me.” Colin refused to make eye contact with Jamie, he wasn’t one for eye contact on a good day but this time he was actively looking away. “I was scared too, you know. That’s never happened before, I’ve never actually passed out during withdrawal, it was fucking terrifying, and then I was shutting down because I couldn’t cope and then you were yelling and it was all too much.”
“I get that, doesn’t mean you should’ve run off to fucking Wales, you could’ve at least taken a moment to think about it.”
“I had a panic attack Jamie, on the corner of our road I had a panic attack, I left quickly so you wouldn’t see it. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe, so I ran from the thing that made me feel like that before I could let the feelings out.”
“And I was that thing?” Colin nodded “You should’ve talked to me, told me to shut up and we could’ve worked it out like adults.”
Colin finally turned his body so that he was facing Jamie, making an active effort to look him in the eyes “I don’t think you understand how my brain works Jamie, you started getting angry and everything you said was true, it was mean but true, I can’t just shrug that off, can’t be rational about it. I couldn’t just logically work through it with you whilst you were yelling the things I’ve been thinking for years. We didn’t need to work through it like adults because we were on the same page. You just needed to stop yelling.”
They fell back into silence again before Jamie spoke up. “You know none of it’s true yeah? I just lashed out ‘cause I were scared, fell back into old habits.”
A morbid chuckle forced its way out of Colin “But it is true, the truth comes out in the heat of an argument, so I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t lie to me, it’s the least you can do.”
“Fuck it.” Jamie stood up, grabbed Colin by the shoulders, pulled him to his feet and kissed him. Colin just stood there frozen in shock letting out a soft “What the fuck?” When Jamie pulled back.
“Shit, fuck, that were the wrong thing to do, weren’t it? I am so sorry, let’s just forget this ever happened and move on, yeah?”
Before Jamie could spiral any further Colin grabbed his t-shirt and pulled him forward continuing the kiss.