Archive of Our Own

The courtyard seems larger every time Jay stares at it, the cracked stone, uneven, dangerous, overgrown grass curves upwards, coupled with gnarled vines and the monastery walls are cracked and smudged with old paint, the rebuilt version making it impossible to tell what it once depicted.

Laughter rings out and Jay turns to the three teens, talking, smiling, giggling. He wonders if that’s how he was back then, grinning without a care in the world. It doesn’t sound like him, it doesn’t feel like him. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to feel.

His fingers drift up to his face, feeling over the skull mask hiding his face. Its basically his face since he rarely takes it off, rarely glimpses at his actual features.

He’s a ghost of his past self, everyone looks at him like he’s haunting their very presence. He still can’t bring himself to leave, hoping, praying that he’ll remember something. It never comes, but he waits, he waits and he waits.

Jay blinks, hearing a shuffling noise. He looks to his side, watching Cole come out of the monastery and talk to the three teens.

What were their names again?

Wyldfyre, Sora and…Arin. Yeah, that’s his name.

Jay watches the earth ninja glance over to him and smile. He zeroes in on it, but there’s still nothing. All that lingers in his mind is a small sense of familiarity, no real memories.

“Jay, is it okay if we do a sparring session?” Cole asks, walking over, but keeping a short distance from him. “I wanted to show the kids a safe way to do it without harming each other.”

A sparring session?

He…he vaguely remembers what those are from his days working under Administration.

It was the first thing he learned, but after that it was countless battles, but no matter. It shouldn’t be hard.

Jay stands up, readjusting his mask tighter before nodding. “I can do that.”

“Perfect.” Cole smiles, but it looks somewhat sad.

Whenever the group smiles at him it seems so…mournful. He wishes it was just a smile, a happy grin, with no regret or longing looks.

Why can’t they be like Arin, Sora and Wyldfyre? Why can’t they just look at him normally?

Jay walks to the middle of the courtyard, putting up his fists and letting his foot scrape across the dirt, ready to jump into action. Cole does the same and he takes a deep breath in and out, under the skull mask.

This isn’t a real fight. He’s not fighting a…friend? No, he’s sparring with an individual. Yeah, that’s it.

Cole strikes first and Jay parries it, throwing the fist back and delivering a high kick to the earth ninja’s middle. He doesn’t give him much recovery time, continuing to punch and kick in a rhythm.

Every move is fluid to Jay, head starting to pound with anticipation. He’s about to strike again when Cole elbows him in the face, blood dribbling down his nose.

The world flashes for a moment, Jay’s palms filling with sweat as the world sinks underwater, everyone’s words coming from the bottom of a barrel.

He’s bleeding red.

His shaking hands touch it, blood tipped on his fingers.

It’s red and he sees red.

Cole asking him ‘if he’s alright’ doesn’t even register as he lunges forward, kicking the taller boy right in the chest with force.

Jay doesn’t stop, he doesn’t. He keeps hitting, keeps pushing back, he elbows Cole hard in the shoulder, not even hearing the horrible bone popping sound. The scream that comes next, floats through his ears as he uppercuts the earth ninja in the stomach, slamming him into the ground.

He grabs him by the shoulders, pulling back his arm to deliver a finishing blow, but his fist stops at the last second because…because Cole is scared, his hazel eyes wide and a cut across his jaw, blood trickling down from it.

Jay just stares at him numbly, the fight drained from him. He barely even notices that he’s still bleeding under his own mask. Slowly, so slowly, he lowers his fist.

He hurt Cole. He hurt Cole, badly.

“I-I’m-“

“Cole!”

Jay jolts, hearing Lloyd’s loud voice cut through the chaos followed by the panicked voices of the three teens who were…watching. They all watched him attack Cole, mercilessly.

Jay is shoved to the side roughly, not even saying a word as Lloyd bends over the earth ninja, looking over his injuries with a panicked expression. He looks so scared.

Jay looks at his hands, heartbeat increasing.

What did he do?

You’re a monster.

Jay sucks in a breath at the thought, standing up abruptly and leaving the scene. He hurries through the monastery, pushing past Kai and hiding in the bathroom. Slowly, he lifts his mask, inspecting his nose.

Not broken. It just started bleeding from the force.

He quickly finds a cloth, pressing it to his nose and waiting for the red liquid to stop coming out.

He breathes in and out, in and out, as deeply as he can.

Eventually the blood stops and he throws the rag in the laundry basket, venturing back through the hall after making sure his mask is on tight. He hears hushed voices, glancing into the main living space. The other ninja are all gathered together, Lloyd and Zane’s hands placed on Cole’s arm, which now that he gets a better look is splayed in a weird position.

Oh, he popped it out of socket.

Jay swallows, feeling sick to his stomach, recalling the far off scream that had echoed in his ears.

He really messed up.

Maybe he should go, just leave and never come back.

It might be easier that-

A sharp scream pierces the air, a resounding pop coming from the living area.

Jay sneaks another look, watching Zane wrap Cole’s arm into a more comfortable position. Thankfully, it seems to be back in socket. His friend is crying though, tears going down his gingerbread cheeks and slipping over the red cut on his jaw.

This is his fault.

They were supposed to be sparring, not trying to kill each other.

It wasn’t even a real fight!

Jay stares down at his hands, expression hardening under his mask.

He’s broken, only broken people do things like attack their friends.

Glancing over at the group one last time, Jay watches a bandage get presses over Cole’s face and placing ice over his bumps and bruises. He does notice that the arm sling should be higher. It’s too loose, making it more likely to be jostled easily.

Jay blinks.

How did he know that?

It’s…it’s not technically a memory, right? Perhaps only a teaching that stuck with him?

Either way, he’s leaving.

Jay escapes to his secluded room, packing quickly, but as he continues to do so, his movements slow until he’s doing nothing. Only then, does he sit down at the end of the bed and pull off his mask. Tear tracks start going down his face and he wipes at his wet eyes, too tired to even try to think about the first time he remembers crying like this.

Has he ever cried like this?

He doesn’t think so, only ever shedding a few tears the first night he stayed in the monastery.

Those hadn’t been from grief though, it had been from a strange overwhelming sense of belonging.

Jay slowly stands up, abandoning his packing entirely.

He won’t leave here, not until he fixes Cole’s sling and if his friend wants him to leave, then he will.

Walking through the halls, he keeps his footsteps light, trying not to bump into anyone on his way to find the earth ninja. It only takes a few minutes to find him, the raven haired man, laying on the couch with a bored expression.

Lloyd probably is making him rest for a bit.

“Cole?” Jay asks, voice barely audible.

Cole glances up, looking at him in shock and with an even weirder expression a second later. It doesn’t seem angry though, just puzzled and emotional…but in a good way? He’s not sure how to explain it.

“Can I sit beside…?”

“Yeah, of course.” Cole nods, scooting to the side a little. He still has that strange expression spread across his features, watching the blue ninja closely.

Jay sits down, staring at the wooden floors for what feels like about thirty minutes, but he’s sure it was only a few. Finally, he turns towards the earth ninja, looking at his sling. “Your…sling it’s, uh, too loose. Can I tighten it?” he glances at the taller man, watching him nod before gently tightening it and elevating the arm slightly.

“This should help.”

“Thanks.”

Jay cautiously meets Cole’s hazel eyes, looking into them as if they’re the deepest part of a wondrous cavern. He doesn’t understand how they can be so full of trust after what he did.

“Why did you let me adjust the sling?”

“You’re the medic.” Cole chuckles softly, smiling somewhat sadly.

“I am?”

Cole’s expression immediately switches after that, eyes widening as he realizes he said something wrong he shouldn’t have.

“Yeah, you…you were the team medic.” Cole explains, that same mournful smile staying. “You’ve patched countless injuries of mine and everyone elses.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Jay’s eyes flick downwards, closing in on himself a bit. “I saw blood and I just…lost it. I couldn’t control myself.” he sighs, looking back at his friend. “I shouldn’t be sparred with. I’m too broken.”

“Jay,” Cole reaches out, gently taking the blue clad ninja’s shoulders. “You are not broken. Don’t even say that, okay? It was my fault for triggering that part of you. I was the one who hit you too hard and drew blood.”

“But, I hurt you back.”

“Then, we were both in the wrong.” Cole says, holding onto him firmly. “Don’t blame just yourself. We both messed up.”

Jay looks into his eyes and tears start going down his own face again. “Okay-“ his voice cracks and he reaches up, drying his tears. He pauses, hands fluttering over his features. “Oh, I’m not wearing my mask, am I?”

“No, you’re not.”

Jay closes his eyes.

Well, now he knows why Cole was staring like a lost puppy. He’s only seen him without his mask once and that was only for a few seconds.

“I missed you and I’m glad you’re here.”

Jay blinks open his eyes, looking to his best friend, watching the tears spill down his cheeks and wet the bandage over his cut. “I’m glad I’m here too, but if I’m too dangerous…I’ll leave. I’ll go and you won’t have to see me ever again.”

“No!” Cole shouts abruptly, jolting. “S-sorry, just please, don’t go. I’m not ready to lose you all over again.”

A small smile tugs at Jay’s lips and he leans forward, pulling the earth ninja into a careful hug.

It’s so…warm, so comfortable and caring, loving.

He finally feels at home.

“Then, I’ll stay.”