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He didn’t like the kennel very much. It smelled like mold and sickness and the other dogs like him looked sad or sometimes ferocious, which would cause him to curl up into the corner of his area and try to stop shaking so as to not look like an easy target. Though the people were mostly nice, most humans just walked right past him. Maybe it was because of the snarl he always put on his face to ward off danger. Maybe it was the way he still had a bit of a limp due to his previously broken leg. He did his best to be everything his previous ‘family’ had wanted. He stayed still, even though he yearned to play with the toys the humans had piled in his kennel. He slept on the floor because only good dogs got to sleep in warm places. He did not make a sound, to the point where a human had taken him and inspected his throat and neck for damage.
Still, none of these behaviors ever made anybody look twice at him. His previous family had been a man and a woman. They had lived in a big house, though he had never seen the inside of it. The man hadn’t wanted him in the first place and made it very clear, starving and beating him on multiple occasions. The woman was kind, but forgetful and would often not remember to care for him while he was outside even during the winter. He spent his first few months of life on a chain less than four feet long attached to the couple’s fence. Eventually, the man decided to bring him here, to the shelter.
It was a blur of faces and voices and smells and he didn’t know for sure how long he’d been here and if he even wanted out at this point. Would he be stuck back in the cold again? Would they break his leg again? It hurt so badly the first time.
On a sunny, pleasant summer day, a boy and a man walk into the shelter. The man is older with sandy brown hair, he wears a forced smile and khakis. The boy is small in satire, although obviously an adult for his species, with dark hair and sporting a long stick in his hand. He thinks about chasing that stick. The feeling of running and the wind in his matted fur. The feeling of freedom.
The man hovers close to the boy, who hobbles down the aisle way between the kennels, using the stick to assist him in walking.
“Micheal’s been really begging for a dog, so I figured I would start looking. I’m not sure what exactly I’m looking for here. Jessica might kill me if I come home with a beast but I can’t stand those little ankle biters…” The older man rambles as the younger smiles tightly.
As the pair are walking past his kennel, the boy’s eyes meet his and he pauses. A look of astonishment crosses his soft features as he moves closer and kneels down as best he can. He cowers further from the bars, hurriedly curling up and trying to look small. They like it when he looks small and docile. Maybe he’ll finally be picked.
He can’t help but get a whiff of the boy from this distance. He smells sick, but not physically sick. And sad. Very sad. It’s an emotion that he does not know how to describe other than how he thinks about the woman who used to own him. On the days when she was nice and brought him a tennis ball to play with, or a snack to eat. When she would apologize for how he was being treated and call him a good boy. He would never see her again. And though his life was hard and cold there, he still felt her absence.
The boy smelled like loss. Grief.
After struggling to crouch, the boy finally plops down onto the kennel floor, placing his walking stick behind him. He smiles gently and reaches his fingers between the bars. He speaks softly, unlike anyone who has spoken to him before.
“Hey there,” He says. The older man turned and watched the boy quizzically. “It’s alright. Do you want to sniff me?”
He bares his teeth at the boy. He doesn’t want to be thought of as weak. He won’t be a target again. The older man obeys the warning and starts tugging at the boy's shoulder. “Eiji, if you’re interested I’m sure there are others who are more friendly-”
The boy, Eiji, simply shakes his head. “You don’t scare me. You’re hurt, aren’t you?”
Maybe it’s the way that Eiji is looking at him with wide innocent eyes or the words that cut him down, but he uncurls himself and tentatively sniffs at the boy's hand. “See, Max, this one is plenty friendly.” The boy smiles.
He then notices the wind coming from behind him and he realizes that he’s wagging his tail. He cannot recall ever doing that before.
“It’s always the skittish blondes with you, huh?” the man, Max, comments under his breath.
Eiji merely pats the dog's head through the bars and laughs, although it sounds stilted and disingenuous. He hums affirmatively.
___________________________________
His name was Buddy and his owner’s name was Eiji. Buddy found that he loved Eiji very much. He always fed him warm food and spoke gently to him. Life with Eiji was much brighter.
He lived in an apartment in the city, but commuted regularly to more rural areas. Eiji often took Buddy with him as he pulled out an odd box contraction that flashed blinding every few minutes. Although Eiji seemed to enjoy it so Buddy ignored it as best he could. Eiji would let him run around in the various fields and ponds they went to, once his leg had finished healing up of course. Eiji also introduced him to many different toys. He had stuffed toys, one that looked like the squirrels he saw outside the living room window every morning while Eiji made breakfast. Though his favorite were the tennis balls, and Eiji didn’t seem to mind throwing it for several hours consecutively either.
He got to sleep in Eiji’s bed too. It was always so warm and Buddy loved to snuggle as close as he could, despite there being a lot of unoccupied space on the bed for him. Eiji would just sigh and run a hand down his back before falling asleep.
Oftentimes, he did not stay asleep though. Buddy was awakened to the sound of Eiji yelling out in his sleep many times. Sometimes he would wake slowly and be left dazed with salty tears streaming down his face and Buddy helped lick up. Other times he bolted upright, smelling like fear and sweat, looking frantically around the room for danger. Buddy found that the best thing he could do to help was to shift onto his lap and lay his head on Eiji’s hand. The pressure would help Eiji become more aware of his surroundings much faster than before. Usually, Eiji wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep after that so Buddy would follow him out of the bedroom and curl up next to him on the couch while he tried to distract himself with the TV. Even though Buddy couldn’t convince him to go back to sleep, he at least wasn’t going to let him be alone after being so scared.
Max, Jessica, and their little human, Micheal, visited often. Max was always excited to see him and was quick to try and play or pet him, but Buddy wasn’t a big fan. Max reminded him of his old owner. He had a bigger frame and was older like him. Jessica looked at Buddy with disgust, although he loved her because she always smelled like the flowers that grow in the public park where Eiji walks him sometimes. Micheal, however, is his favorite (aside from Eiji of course).
The two of them rough house and roll around on the floor together. Micheal is the only one who can run as fast and for as long as Buddy can. And Micheal loves him too if it’s any consolation. Sometimes Eiji will play with them too while Max and Jessica talk in the kitchen. They’re always very hushed when they speak, so Buddy is the only one who can hear them.
“He looks tired,” Jessica always says. “His eyes are starting to look racoon-like.”
Max always sighs sadly, like he’s watching something inevitable. “I know. I don’t think he’s sleeping at night. It could be just insomnia or nightmares, although he hasn’t mentioned either.”
“It’s probably from just being here, in this place. I knew he shouldn’t have stayed in New York. It brings back too many memories of him, even for me. I can’t imagine what it’s like for Eiji.” Jessica responds.
Buddy had heard about this ‘him’ before. Not from Eiji, but from many of the people Eiji talked to on the phone or stopped to talk to on walks. It was never a particularly deep question or conversation, always a casual question about how Eiji was doing and that ‘he’ would be proud of him for continuing to do what he loved, although Eiji never seemed too proud of himself.
Later, after a daytime visit from the Glenreeds, they were all gathered around the table, eating what Eiji had cooked up for dinner. Buddy was curled beneath Eiji’s chair, finally getting a much needed rest after playing with Micheal all day, Eiji’s foot occasionally stroking his back. The dinner table is quiet with the exception of utensils scraping against dishes.
“Eiji, we need to talk to you about something.” Max says, tension in his voice. Eiji responds with an “Okay.” before putting down his utensils and giving the couple his attention.
“Before you read too much into it, it’s not that we don’t think you can take care of yourself, but we also think that this is a difficult time and it’s not safe for you to be so far away from everyone who gets it. We were wondering if you wanted to move in with Max and I in California for a little while.” Jessica says, pouring sincerity into every word.
Eiji is taken aback. Buddy pulls himself off the floor to place his head in his lap under the table, hoping to ground him. After several moments of quiet, Eiji responds.
“I can’t. All my clients live here.”
“We don’t mind supporting you for a few months, we have the money now.” Max tells him, leaning closer to Eiji.
“But I love living here. I have friends here.” Eiji says, but the words sound as if he is trying to convince himself. Buddy has never seen any of these friends. Eiji spends most of his time with clients or with him.
“By no means do you have to accept, but it’s something to think about. We want to help you, Eiji.” Jessica says and puts her hand over his on the table.
Buddly smells it in the air before it happens, like a rope finally snapping. The smell of grief, so strong and potent that if Buddy could, he would cover his nose. But Eiji needs him, so he moves closer and whines, causing Eiji to grip his fur gently.
“I can’t leave,” Eiji’s voice breaks, and there’s tears welling in dark lined eyes. “What if…” He trails off.
Jessica pulls him into her as the first tear falls. Eiji pulls away from her after less than a second of comfort, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. “What if he comes back?”
Jessica’s hand goes to her mouth in surprise and Max grimaces, letting out a dismayed, “Kid…”
In the end, Eiji choses to stay, and Max and Jessica stop asking.
_______________________________
“What should I make for dinner tonight, Buddy?” Eiji asks him one day while working at his desk. Buddy is happily munching on a tennis ball, but still listening intently. “Maybe we should eat out tonight.” He wonders out loud before strolling over to his fridge and pulling a coupon out from under a magnet. “I haven’t been here in a while. It might be nice to say hello, hm?”
A few hours later Eiji is hooking up his leash and the pair walk out the door and down the many stairs to the street. It’s an autumn day outside, with leaves flying in every direction and pretty colored trees above the sidewalks. There’s the occasional shady figure that Buddy pays special attention to as they pass, especially the larger men.
Eventually, they enter a small restaurant that Buddy has never been to. The place is small, but it looks clean and smells like chicken and orange juice. The restaurant is mostly empty. A younger woman with short black hair and an apron emerges from the back kitchen. “Welcome to Chang Dai, you can go ahead and take a se-” She stops herself after looking at the occupants. “Oh, hi Eiji! Long time no see.” She smiles, almost trepidatiously.
“Hi, Nadia. How have you been?” Eji walks over to the bar that Nadia is standing behind and takes a seat, Buddy following and sitting beside him on the floor, taking in the lovely smells of the place.
“I’ve been better,” She laughs humorlessly. “How about you?”
Eiji shrugs before responding. “Same.”
Nadia looks down at Buddy before placing her hand in front of his nose to sniff, of course, Buddy does so. She smells like home cooking and scented candles, but also a whiff of the familiar sick smell. The smell that Buddy knows very well as grief.
“We’re pathetic, the both of us. Those two would hate to see us like this, huh?” She asks, with a contagious and cynical grin that Eiji returns.
“I’m sure they’re laughing at us right now.” Eiji says, reaching down to pet Buddy’s head.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sure you came here hoping for something to eat. What can I get you?” She says, leaning over the counter with a tight smile.
“Can I just get his favorite, please?”
Nadia nods and replies, “Coming right up.”
She comes back a few minutes later with a bowl of something delicious smelling. “Here you are,” She set the bowl down and Eiji thanked her. “He had that all the time. It’s pretty light on the flavor, but I think some days that’s all his half-starved stomach could handle. That boy was like a rail.”
It’s the most anyone has ever dared to talk about ‘him’ in Eiji’s presence, and Buddy tenses and prepares to take comforting measures, but to his surprise, Eiji’s posture is relaxed and he takes a bite of his food.
“That sounds like him. He was always a picky eater in my very informed opinion. He only liked food if it was completely flavorless, like a little kid.” Eiji says, a certain fondness in his voice. Buddy finds himself laying down on the floor, at ease with the arrangement.
“That sounds like him,” That same fondness in her voice. “I almost forgot!” She exclaims before rushing back to the kitchen and returning with her wallet a moment later.
She starts digging around in her wallet. “I, uh-” She shakes her head, attempting to clear it. “The boys must have listed me as their guardian when they got their library cards, although I’m sure Shorter never even used his. I bet that Dino bastard would’ve never let him have something like that. I ended up receiving this in the mail and I thought you might want to have it. They should be able to pull up a record of everything he checked out with it. I know it’s not much, but it’s better than nothing.”
She handed Eiji a card, which Eiji took with careful, trembling hands, as if he had been handed a bar of gold or a diamond. He scanned the card reverently. “Thank you so much, Nadia.” Nadia just gives Eiji a you’re welcome before taking his dish and telling him to come back again soon and that this one is on the house. Eiji leaves a wad of cash on the counter when she isn’t looking anyway and exits the restaurant, Buddy in tow.
Eiji stares at the card the entire walk back to the apartment, so Buddy is hypervigilant, inspecting every person who walks past them. Once they get back, Eiji places the card on the coffee table and starts making himself some tea. With the card finally at eye level, Buddy finally gets to take a look. The card has writing all over it, along with a picture of a young boy on it. The boy is blonde and fair skinned with bright green eyes and a look that could kill. Buddy wonders if that’s what the people at the rescue center thought he looked like, all coiled up and ready for a fight. Eiji’s words to him that day echo in his brain.
“You don’t scare me. You’re hurt, aren’t you?”
He wonders if ‘he’ and Buddy have that in common. Eiji sits down on the couch beside him with his tea before picking up the card and staring at it some more. There’s light playing in Eiji’s eyes and a slight smile on his face. “He’s very young in this picture. I have a hard time looking at his more recent photos, but this version of him is unfamiliar to me.”
Buddy sighs contentedly, hopping up on the couch beside Eiji and pressing his back to his leg.
“He looks troubled, no?” If Buddy could respond, his answer would be yes. It’s not the kind of troubled that people like to see. He learned all about that at the rescue center. Humans like to see the kind of troubled that makes you submissive and overly-respectful. They like the kind of trauma that makes you more likely to roll over or fetch when told. The kind of troubled that this boy was and that he was in those days, it’s different. It’s the kind of haunted that makes you mean. That makes you huddle in a corner and bare your teeth. That’s the expression on that boy’s face.
“Hopefully I’ll be able to read his books without the help of Sesame Street.” Eiji laughs, although Buddy doesn’t get it, so it must be an inside joke.
___________________________________
The next morning, Buddy’s leash is put on again and he and Eiji walk a familiar walk towards public square. Except, they go past it and end up in front of a tall fancy looking building with lots of wide sticks holding the roof up. Buddy’s nails clack on the tiles as they walk in. Eiji walks up to the receptionist and ends up buying a membership, figuring that he’ll be back here plenty of times. Buddy does his best to be patient.
After what felt like an eternity, Eiji walks over to one of the computer stations with a card scanner and sits down. “I guess we’ll see how much is on this thing.”
Eiji swipes the card with ‘his’ face on it in the machine. A pop up appears on the screen and Eiji clicks around a few times before whistling to himself. There’s a large chart on the screen with several columns going across, but as Eiji scrolls the rows never seem to end.
“I should tell Max about this, I’m sure he’d be interested to see it.” Eiji tells him, quietly, as to not disrupt the quiet around him. “Quantum Physics: Vol 2. What the hell? There’s so many textbooks. Introduction to Thermodynamics, Economics: Principles for a Changing World, Material Sciences.” Eiji is staring wide eyed at the screen, the light reflected back in his dark eyes. “Plenty of stories though, too. All those books he was reading at only fifteen.”
In the end, Eiji checks out several of the books. He reads them aloud before they go to bed. Buddy has noticed that the reading seems to put Eiji in a deeper sleep and he tends to sleep through the night more with the half hour of reading. Max receives a short list of books too and they call and discuss them often, although some of them Max has already read.
____________________________________________
One day, when Eiji and Buddy are out on a job, he receives a strange phone call from someone Buddy doesn’t recognize. Eiji is taking pictures and absentmindedly throwing a stick that Buddy found for him when his cell phone starts ringing. He makes a confused face but picks it up anyway. Buddy’s ears perk up and he trots over to Eiji, laying down and chewing on his stick.
“Hello?” Eiji asks.
“Are you that Okumura boy?” The voice is gruff and annoyed sounding. It makes Buddy tense up.
“Sure am. Who is this?” Eiji asks, looking more concerned.
“This is Jim. Callenreese. I uh- I decided to sell that other house, both of the people who lived there are dead and I don’t need the extra mortgage. I was planning on just tossing all the stuff in there, but I figured I would give you the chance to go through the whore’s things if you wanted a keepsake.”
Eiji gets paler as the man talks, and a certain anger makes itself known on his features. “I can be down there next week to check it out.”
____________________________________
Jessica ends up meeting Eiji and Buddy in Cape Cod the following week. Max was busy with a new article and Micheal had to go to school, but Jess was pretty free. Buddy had experienced his very first car ride that day. He had a good time and made Eiji laugh with how much his face flapped in the wind when he stuck his head out the window. It was exhilarating. After several hours and a very satisfying nap, Buddy and Eiji were dropped off at a gravel driveway in front of a small house. The area was utterly abandoned, but the air smelled fresh, the way it does in the fields that Eiji takes photos in. Jessica had already beat them there and was leaning against her car in the rock way when Buddy hopped out of the car.
“Hi, Eiji,” She smiles warmly at Eiji and pulls him into a hug before shooting Buddy a dirty look. Buddy tries not to take offense. “I’m going to go get the keys from Jim, you stay out here. I’m sure you don’t want to hear what he has to say anyway.”
Eiji nods his head and Jessica tenses her shoulders before turning around and marching inside. A few minutes later, she emerges, smelling like disgust, but with a set of keys in her hand. They make their way over to another house and Jessica unlocks it. Wordlessly, Jessica and Eiji walk in and start looking around separate areas of the house. It’s immaculately neat and surprisingly full, with plenty of dusty furniture and wall decorations. It’s dated clearly, having needed an update long ago. The home is almost eerie in the way that everything is positioned as if there were people living there although Buddy could tell by the smell that no one had been there for a long time. Still, there was a familiar smell in the air, one that Buddy recognized from some of the blankets in the apartment or the glasses Eiji kept on his night stand. Or most notably, the library card.
Oh, so this must be ‘his’ smell.
It smells like warmth and yet at the same time sterile. It smells like entering a hotel room for the first time, yet also like freshly baked bread. It smells like unfiltered joy, but also a reserved, indescribably sorrow. It’s the smell of someone who hides a part of themselves.
Eiji spends most of his time in one of the bedrooms, a child's room from the looks of it. Buddy keeps him company for a little while, watching him go through man drawers of clothes with a tote bag and a trash bag lying on the floor. The first thing he did was take a worn baseball glove from on top of the dresser and throw it away with a grimace. Eventually, Buddy nudges his way through the front door where he finds Jessica watching the sunset. It’s much brighter here than in New York, Buddy notices.
“I don’t usually like your kind,” Jessica says, interrupting their comfortable silence, to Buddy’s annoyance. “But you seem to help Eiji, so I have no choice,” She slowly places her hand on the fur around his neck and gives him a test stroke before going in again for another pet after deciding that he must not have been as bad as she thought. Buddy sighs. “You've got a good owner, you know that?” She asks him.
Of course Buddy knows that. Even more so since Buddy knows what it’s like to have a bad owner.
“He’s too good for this. He deserves better than living in the shadow of the life they never got to live together. I want so bad for him to let go, but I don’t think he’ll ever be able to.”
Buddy thinks on these words for a moment. Maybe Eiji never will get over ‘him’, but does that have to be a bad thing? To hold on to the memory of something so precious. Buddy knows that if Eiji ever went away, he would never move on. Eiji would always live on in the empty feeling in his heart. Maybe part of loving someone is carrying them with you when they’re gone, even if it hurts you to do so. Or maybe that’s just the loyalty of a dog speaking.
“Although, I’m starting to think that life isn’t really about who deserves what and more about the cards you’re dealt,” Jessica scoffs and pauses in her stroking of his golden coat. “That kid never deserved a damn thing that he went through,” She’s speaking softly now. “It was just bad fortune after bad fortune until he was gone.”
Buddy whines involuntarily, causing Jessica to chuckle a bit. “I suppose that’s not a very uplifting message for a dog to hear,” She smiles, her eyes staring blankly into the sunset. “I’ve been thinking about ‘him’ a lot. Max and I had discussed legally adopting him once all the drama was over. He only had a year left as a minor, but we were scared he'd get put into the system. And we wanted to give him his name back after that nasty old man changed it.” She spits on the ground as if she were spitting on the aforementioned man himself.
“Sometimes, at night when I can’t fall asleep I think about what could have been. He’d call me ‘Old Lady’ and Max would be ‘Pa’. God, he was such a little brat. But, he would’ve been good to Micheal. Protective. Walking him to school and holding his hand. He would have comforted him when he cried and played with him when he begged. It would probably be the first time he ever got to play with children’s toys. How sad is that? Maybe Max and I would buy him some of his own. I wonder what kind of toys he would like?”
A tennis ball is always a good start, is what Buddy thought.
“He’d go to real school for the first time since third grade and probably test right into senior year with the rest of the kids his age, if not even higher. Max would probably beg him to play a sport or join a club. I can practically picture it. He would try out all the sports and be great at all of them, that’s the kind of kid he was. Except baseball. Never baseball. He’d be the smartest kid in school, maybe even valedictorian, but he’d never give a speech.”
Buddy feels his eyes drooping, but he still pictures that grumpy face from the library card in all of Jessica’s scenarios.
“He’d be a total dreamboat to those highschoolers, but he’d only have eyes for Eiji, patiently waiting to graduate so he can fly to Japan to visit him. It wouldn’t all be sunshine and rainbows, he’d still be a severely traumatized child. We’d probably have to put him in therapy, maybe even on some medication. He’d probably get night terrors and flashbacks. Maybe even wet the bed a few times, I’ve read that’s a common response for survivors like him. I’m sure he’d never feel totally comfortable with adult men and still reach for the gun in his pants every now and then, but at least…”
The tears came out abruptly. Jessica tries to wipe them away, but they keep coming. In that moment, Buddy choses to forget the dirty looks and comments about his species, and stands up to lick the tears off her face before settling himself in her lap. She smiles at him thankfully. She takes a breath before continuing.
“At least he would have someone to hold on to when he woke up. Someone to talk to about all the things he went through. Someone to clean the sheets in the middle of the night and tell him it’s okay. Someone to promise to protect him and actually mean it. That boy deserved better too,” Her sadness has been replaced with a twisted sense of anger as she starts hastily wiping her face again. “He deserved to live normally. To go to college. To celebrate Holidays. To live with Eiji and marry him if he chose to. Maybe even have children of his own. Instead he was neglected, abandoned, abused, groomed, and raped over and over again and then he died. If there is a God, I don’t think I can ever forgive him for that.”
Buddy holds his breath as those words come out. He can tell she’s been keeping this in for a while. The two sit in the quiet night for a while, even as the sky turns to black and the crickets start to chirp. The whole time, she never stopped petting Buddy, a steady stroking sensation down his back and then back up to his head.
“Thank you, boy,” She says, then whispers. “You’re a good listener.”
Buddy knows he is, but his tail wags at the compliment anyway.
_____________________________________________
Eiji and Buddy return home with a tote bag full of items that smell like hospital and muffins (‘his’ dichotomy). Eiji, clearly looking exhausted after what must have been a difficult clean out, collapses on the couch immediately. After a few hours, he wakes up to Buddy’s face inches from his own. Eiji jolts and then giggles before patting his head lovingly.
Buddy has other plans.
He takes this attention as an opportunity to saunter over to the bag and stick his head in. “Do you want to see what we went all that way for?” Eiji asked, mirth in his voice. Buddy barked in response.
Eiji got down on the carpet and started taking items out of the bag and lining them up like a kid with Halloween candy. “This is a school photo. I guess from around first grade.” He holds up the small image to Buddy who easily recognizes the boy from the library card. “This is a stack of letters from his brother after he joined the service. They meant a lot to him, so I figured I should take them, but I feel like it would be invasive for me to read.” He moves a rather large stack of mail back into the bag. “This is a picture of him and Griffin, his brother, at some kind of party in their father’s restaurants. I just couldn’t stop laughing at the pout on his face.” In the picture, a little boy is seated on a barstool, frowning and looking on the brink of a tantrum, while a young man supports his back and sports a large smile and a thumbs up despite the toddler's anger.
“I also snatched these.” He holds up a pair of small red shoes. “He really committed to that look. This one was in Griffin’s room,” He holds up an older looking photo. It looks like it’s been through a lot in its time, but Buddy can still make out the image. It’s a woman in a hospital bed with a baby in her arms. She bares a striking resemblance to ‘him’ with her striking eyes and fair hair and skin, but she looks stick thin and sickly. “He never talked much about her, but this is the only photo I’ve ever seen of her. Griffin probably only kept it so he could see what his mother had looked like.” Eiji then picks up the last item: a stuffed cat. “This was the only toy I could find. It was under his bed, he must have forgotten about it or tried to hide it.”
Although the rest of the items find homes throughout the apartment, the stuffed cat earns a seat on top of the bed.
________________________________
A few weeks after returning from ‘his’ house, Eiji bolts awake in the dead of night screaming. Buddy startles awake just barely in time for Eiji’s squirming and thrashing to send him crashing off the bed. Buddy has never seen him like this before, especially not recently. The smell of anxiety and desperation permeate the room. Eiji’s eyes are open but unseeing and pouring tears. Buddy tries his usual method of laying in Eiji's lap, but this makes it worse. The screaming gets louder and the frantic thrashing more intense. Buddy, at a loss for what to do, curls up at the bottom of the bed and whines, hoping to wait whatever this was out. Eventually, the thrashing and the panic die out and all that’s left are confused, awful sobs that he covers with his hands. At this point, deeming it safe, Buddy crawls back into his lap. There’s no reaction at all this time.
About an hour goes by until the sobbing finally stops, but when Buddy looks up at him, Eiji is dull in the eyes, staring blankly at the wall in front of him. It’s like he’s a lifeless doll. Buddy whines, unsure what to do other than wait and hope his human comes out of this.
It’s several hours later when Eiji finally breaks from his trance. He gets up, face still devoid of emotion, and he grabs the stuffed cat around the neck and picks it up off the bed. He takes the pictures that he had taken from the house and any leftover Chang Dai coupons from the fridge and the library hard from off the coffee table. He marches, almost stoically towards the storage closet. Buddy watches on, ears and tail down. Eiji drops the items on the floor and starts taking everything off of the top shelf until he pulls out a small white box. Buddy had only seen this box once, when he was still a puppy. Eiji had gotten it out with a determined look on his face, but had crumbled before he could open it. Buddy thought he would help by chewing on the lid, but Eiji scolded him for that. It was the first time he had ever been scolded by Eiji.
Buddy doesn’t miss the tears that build up in his eyes as he slides the lid off the box, careful to look away as he stacks all of the items inside before closing it. He gets up and grabs packing tape from a drawer and tapes the box shut so thoroughly that Buddy’s not sure he could get into it with his teeth. Then Eiji places the box on the back of the shelf and stacks everything in front of it, unseen.
It’s like ‘he’ has been erased from the house entirely.
Eiji stares at the closed door of his closet for a while before he turns around and slides down it, sitting in a heap at the bottom and sniffling quietly. Buddy pads over and curls up next to him, making sure that Eiji can feel his presence.
“I’m sorry, Ash.”
It’s the first time Buddy has heard ‘his’ name.
______________________________
Eiji’s life gets messier after that. New people come into his life, his career starts to take off even more, leading him and Buddy to go to all kinds of places. Many of Eiji’s family members begin visiting, including Akira, who is always very gentle and kind with Buddy. Ibe also visited a few times, content to let Buddy lay on him and pet between his ears.
Eiji’s apartment gets messier too. The dishes stack up for much longer, the bed never gets made anymore, and Buddy can’t remember the last time Eiji cleaned the floor.
Photographs, cameras, and different pieces of equipment scatter the apartment at all times and Eiji himself looks sleepy on the best days and undead on the worst. The nightmares have been keeping him awake since that night when he locked Ash away.
They still go to Cape Cod in the summer, although Buddy is starting to not be able to swim as he gets older. They still go to beautiful places together to take pictures and play fetch, but Eiji has a certain restraint to him now that he never had before. He still has that ever present smell of grief, but it's accompanied by a sense of paranoia and forced happiness. Max and Jessica see right through it. Most people who knew Eiji before that night do.
Most people stop bringing Ash up around Eiji. It only takes one mention from Ibe, and it’s shut down. It was Ibe’s first time seeing Eiji’s apartment since the mess had begun spreading. Ibe can only look around at the mess in front of him in shock.
“I always thought Ash was the messy one.” He says, laughing lightly at the nostalgia. He meant it as a nod at the old times, a harmless joke.
Eiji just smiles tightly in response. “Well, he’s not here to be messy anymore so I guess it’s up to me.” The comment is said in a way that is inappropriate and nasty and everything Eiji’s not.
It goes on like this for a very long time. Still, Buddy is there to comfort Eiji during sleepless nights and be his companion during the day. And Eiji fulfills his end of the bargain. Buddy is taken care of as well as always. Things remain this way until one summer, when Eiji is offered a showcase. He slaves over his exhibit night and day, while also dealing with a few friends such as Akira, and namely Sing (who Buddy doesn’t particularly mind, but could do without the aggressive scratching and patting). The night before the exhibit, with only a few hours left to prepare, an idea strikes Eiji, likely having been planted by someone he’s been around this week.
“I could use one more photo, but I’m not sure if I can handle opening that box, Buddy.” Eiji groans from the couch. Buddy thinks on Eiji’s worries for a moment before he gets up, old bones cracking as he does so, and plops himself down in front of the door and huffs, as if to say that it’s been long enough.
Eiji smiles despite himself before getting up and walking over to the closet. Almost reverently, he pulls the white box out and settles down on the floor of his living room. He cuts the tape off and Buddy lays down across from him. As he begins to open the box he mutters, to nobody in particular. “I’m sorry I hid you away for so long.”
“I never really did tell you about Aslan, huh?” Eiji asks Buddy, who makes his ears twitch in response. Eiji begins looking at each photo fondly as he spreads them around. “I think he was my soulmate if there were such a thing. He ran a street gang in New York, but he wanted to become a literary professor. He loved to read and was annoyingly smart. He was also strong and had the best aim out of anyone I’d ever met. He was beautiful and other people knew it too. He came off as grumpy and mean, but it was all a front. He was a nervous wreck,” Eiji laughs tearily, still placing the pictures around him, each one of Ash in various situations. In some he’s doing daily activities such as cooking for cleaning. In others he’s firing his gun or making deals and plans. “He was scared of pumpkins and his favorite book was Catch in the Rye. He hated getting up in the morning and eating Japanese food.”
“He cared about other people and wanted what was best for them. He had nightmares about the people he killed in self-defense and thought that he was a monster, something sub-human. But he was so hurt. All he needed was one person who could love him without wanting something in return. And I guess that day in the shelter, I saw that in you too, Buddy.” Buddy laid his head down in response. “And I loved him with all I had. He was my best friend, my soulmate. But sometimes, that just isn’t enough.”
Then as he and Eiji looked around at the tapestry of photos, all taken over the course of a year, Eiji sobbed loudly and looked around. Eventually, he set up the video player too and played those as well. And Eiji cried and cried, for what never was. For the boy who would never see past eighteen. Buddy stuck his head in his lap as he always did and listened to Eiji tell story after story of Alsan Jade Callenreese.
“I missed you.” Was the last thing Eiji said before packing up the photos. He did take a few to put up around the apartment, deeming it necessary to keep Ash out of that box now. Right before they went to bed, Eiji pointed at a photograph. “This one, huh?”
The picture was of Aslan, sitting in a worn down window sill, the dawn outlining him in its rays. He was beautiful in it. Buddy barked affirmatively.
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Buddy said goodbye to Eiji during a brink winter night near the first snowfall. They had both known it was coming for some time and Buddy had lived a good, whole life. He had seen all the parks and played with many tennis balls. And though he had seen the cruelty of humans in his early life, much more of his time was spent being cuddled and loved and listening to people recount their love for others. And so, on that night as he laid his head on Eiji’s hip, his lips upturned and his tail wagged as he said goodbye to someone he had loved for a long time.
But of course, it was time to say hello to someone new, he had thought as he had crossed over, his old bones being replaced with springy puppy ones, as he ran towards a figure outlined by a beautiful dawn just like in the picture, with fair hair and skin and vibrant green eyes glittering in appreciation as a familiar warm scent engulfed him.