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Belly’s dress suddenly felt much tighter on her than it did just a few seconds ago and it was hard to breathe. She hated herself for not wanting to see Susannah, but Belly just couldn’t imagine seeing the strongest woman she’d ever known so weak and fragile. It made her want to burst into tears right in front of the house and run away where she could never be found, but she had to face this.
If she didn’t visit the woman who was like a second mother to her before she… was gone then wouldn’t she regret it? She felt her mother’s hand on her back pushing her gently to walk forward so Belly forced herself to take a deep breathe and move.
When she finally entered the room where Susannah lay in a hospital bed with an oxygen tube under her nose Belly nearly gasped at the sight, but had enough sense to stop herself. Belly knew the blonde woman would look weaker, but she would have never been able to prepare herself enough to actually see it with her own two eyes.
Before she could really register what was happening something Susannah had been working on fell to the floor, been picked up, and Laurel was gone from the room all in what felt like the span of less than a second. Belly walked forward a bit timidly and placed herself on the edge of the bed. It seemed to take a great deal of strength just for Susannah to even speak now, but she was a fighter to the end, Belly had always known that.
“If you’re worried about running into Conrad don’t be sweetie, he uhm, he’s not here today.”
Belly hadn’t meant to come here and talk about the failure that had been her and Conrad’s relationship, but if that’s what Susannah wanted then she would give her it so she asked the question that she had been wondering for awhile.
“Did he tell you?”
“Please, that boy doesn’t tell me anything.” A small laugh escaped her. “Your mom mentioned that prom didn’t go as we hoped.”
“We don’t have to talk about it, it’s not important.” Belly heard the strain in her own voice now when she spoke.
“It is important,” Susannah pushed, “it’s the most important cause you’re important. You’re my treasure.”
Belly was struggling to hold back her tears now, but she choked down the sob that had been tugging at her throat for the past ten minutes.
“He broke up with me.”
“Don’t hate Conrad.”
“I don’t.” This was the truth even after everything.
“He’s having- he’s having a really hard time with all this. Please don’t let him push you away. He needs you.” Susannah managed a smile before continuing. “He loves you, you know.”
Belly shook her head, the tears starting to slip out despite her fighting them. “No he doesn’t.”
Only a nod in return from the older woman. “He does.”
“Do you love him?”
The question caught Belly off guard, before she could come up with any type of response to such a loaded question Susannah pushed forward. “Will you do something for me?” She took Belly’s hand in her own.
“Look after him… will you do that?”
“You won’t need me to look after him, you’ll be here to do it.” Even as the words came out of her mouth Belly couldn’t find it in herself to believe them anymore. Susannah was only quiet for a moment.
“Come here honey, come lie down.” Belly did beside Susannah as her arm came around the brunettes.
“You’re my special girl Belly.” It was quiet for a few beats before Belly heard a familiar voice in the doorway.
“Mom?”
Jeremiah… her Jeremiah was here.
“Jeremiah.” Her own voice was weak and filled with to many emotions to sort through right now, but she didn’t care.
Jere’s blue eyes connected with her brown ones for a split second before he was backing up, like if he looked at her for to long then it would hurt to much.
“I’ll come back later.”
He didn’t sound like Susannah’s sunshine boy anymore or her best friend who always had a smile on his face no matter what. He sounded broken just like her and he was still trying to hide it even now.
Susannah broke her out of her current thoughts.
“I’m so sorry Belly.”
“Why? I’m the one who messed it all up.”
“It won’t always feel this way. It’ll come back together I promise.”
“Me and Jere or me and Conrad?” She found herself asking, the younger brother claiming a spot in her mind too.
“All of you… to each other.”
Belly remains silent this time before Susannah speaks and the younger girl finally lets her tears fall since Susannah can’t see them now.
“I love you Belly.”
“I love you too.”
She’s not sure how long has past since either of them have spoken now, hearing how Susannah’s breathing has evened out, and feeling her steady heartbeat Belly knows she’s fallen asleep.
Reluctantly Belly gently lifts Susannah’s arm from around her and does her best to quietly get up and leave the room. She can feel the tear stained streaks down her face. More tears well up in her eyes and she sniffs. Right now she feels like a broken faucet that can’t be turned off.
Belly walks through the house a bit before finding herself in the dining room where thanksgiving dinner had been, but instead of a table full of food she sees her mother sitting beside Jeremiah with a hand on his back. Jeremiah is sat in front a tall pile of white papers that look like… are those bills? Susannah’s medical bills? She notices a pen in the boy’s hands like he’s the one who’s trying to figure things out.
Belly coughs and Laurel turns to look at her quickly, a bit startled. Jeremiah doesn’t look at her and that’s how Belly knows he already knew she was there because of course he did. She can’t see his face, his head resting on his left hand so he’s hiding from her line of sight and the pen in his right.
“Belly,” Laurel starts, “Jeremiah was just catching me up to speed with everything. How was your talk with Beck?”
“Fine uhm- good. She’s asleep now.” Belly hears herself speak, but her throat is dry now and she sounds raspy from crying.
“Oh good. Listen I wanted to run and grab a few things at the store for Beck and Jere while we are here. Do you think you could keep Jeremiah company for a bit till I get back?”
Belly freezes in place at this not sure what to say or do, but Jeremiah speaks up before she can.
“Laur it’s fine. I can make a trip to the store later for my mom.”
“You do everything for her and yourself when I’m not able to be here even taking care of all these bills. Let me go for the both of you this time. Spend some time with Belly for a bit hm? You two need some time.”
Jeremiah doesn’t try and argue again and Laurel is gone within the next five minutes, but Belly is still standing glued to the same spot not sure what to do. Jere’s voice makes her jump a little when he finally speaks.
“You can sit down you know.” His voice is stern with a harsh bite to it. It’s bitter and Belly hates it. She hates herself for what she did to him and how she made him feel. She hates that he hates her and is closed off to her now. It’s all her fault and she doesn’t know how to fix it, doesn’t even know where to start.
Belly did wordlessly, picking the seat across from Jeremiah. Now that she had a better view she could see the papers in front of him and they were definitely medical bills. Had Jere been taking care of all of them by himself? Where was Adam? Hadn’t Conrad helped at all on his trips back from Brown?
“You’re paying her medical bills?”
The question slipped out before Belly even knew she was asking it. Jeremiah still wouldn’t look at her.
“Yes.” The short and clipped answer.
“What about Adam or Conrad? You can’t possibly be doing this all by yourself.” Finally, his head came up to look at her, but now Belly wished he wouldn’t because his gaze was full of anger and resentment.
“My dad doesn’t give a fuck Belly, he’d rather ignore what is happening right in front of him and so would my brother. They are both cowards. Yeah, I’m doing this by myself. I’m the one who’s been here for all of it and I’m the one who’s been dealing with the bills. I’ve been here every single day. No one else has, just me despite what you think Conrad’s barely shown his face and when he did it was only to-”
Jeremiah stops short seeming to catch himself before saying something he probably shouldn’t.
“It’s not important.” Belly wants to push and say yes it is important but Jeremiah is already so angry with her and maybe everyone else too. She doesn’t want to force him to keep talking.
Belly was coming to the scary reality that Jeremiah has really been all alone through this whole thing. Who had been looking after him? She and Conrad had each other for a little bit at least before he had pushed her away. Conrad had Jeremiah and Susannah had Jeremiah, but who did Jeremiah have?
Her throat suddenly felt drier than it did before. She tried to pick a different topic. Jeremiah had been going on dates right? Seeing people? That’s what Conrad had told her.
“Have you Uhm- have you been seeing anyone? Conrad told me you went to prom and have had some dates-”
Jeremiah actually scoffs at her now in disbelief. “Conrad told you what? That I’ve been going on dates? Of course he fucking did, anything to get what he wants isn’t that right? Hate to break it to you Belly but my brother is a big fucking liar since you haven’t figured that out on your own already.”
His words stung.
“I went to senior prom with a friend and I haven’t gone out with anyone since last- since summer. Conrad lied to you so you would date him without feeling guilty about it.”
There it was, the words Belly was scared to hear. She didn’t want to believe any of it. The whole time her and Conrad had been together Jeremiah had truthfully been all alone. Her heart felt like it was shattering into a million tiny pieces just then.
Conrad lying straight to her face was another box of messed up she would have to unpack later. Right now she wanted nothing more than to somehow fix things with Jeremiah.
“Jere I’m really sorry-”
“I’m going to go check on my mom.”
He was gone out of the room before Belly could move.
She didn’t know what to do so she just stayed put. Belly knew one thing for sure now, that fixing her relationship with Jeremiah had to be her number one priority. She had about a thousand and one apologizes to make to him. Here he was just eighteen years old, paying his mother’s medical bills and doing absolutely everything for her. He had been all alone because she had forgotten about him. As much as it hurt to admit it, Belly had forgotten about Jeremiah because of how obsessed and caught up she had been with Conrad. She had been so focused on being there for him, that she had completely forgotten that Jeremiah needed somebody as well.
Was there an award for being worst person in the world?
Belly was snapped out of her own spiral when she heard a yell come from the other room, Susannah’s room… Jeremiah‘s voice… She froze for a second before her feet were carrying her out of the room as fast as she could go.
She ran so fast she had to grab the door frame to Susannah’s room so she didn’t fall over.
The sight wasn’t one she would have been ready to see in a million years. Jeremiah, bent over his mother clutching her hand so tightly and begging her to wake up and look at him. His voice was so feeble she could barely hear it.
“Mom… please open your eyes…”
“Jeremiah.” Belly’s voice was barely above a whisper, she was surprised he even heard her at all. He turned to look at her his blue eyes shining with tears.
“She won’t- she’s not waking up Belly. She won’t wake up!”
Belly rushed forward everything turning to a blur in front of her.
“Wake her up Belly please. Please make her get up!” Belly’s legs felt weak, her entire body felt like it could collapse onto the floor right then. Tears were clouding her vision fast, her hand flying to Susannah’s wrist so fast she didn’t even know what was happening anymore. No pulse. Nothing. She choked, trying to speak, her mouth moving but nothing coming out.
Jer- Jere she’s… she’s-”
No no no no no.
“She’s go- gone.”
“No no she’s not she’s not Belly. She’ll wake up. She will, she can’t be…”
“Jeremiah…”
“No!”
She risked a blurry look at the blonde boy. He was shaking so much, she thought his own body might give out on him. She’s sure she was too. Susannah was gone, she had passed away sometime in the last thirty minutes or so in her sleep while the two of them had been sitting in the other room.
Before Belly had any time to think on she was reaching forward to pull Jeremiah into her embrace. He was stiff for only a second before he melted into her. She pushed his head onto her shoulder, he turned his head and she felt his nose in the crook of her neck and he cried. She felt his tears soaking her shoulder and the strap of her dress, she felt him shaking in her hold. Jeremiah’s arms came around her so tightly like she was his lifeline now.
She cried too, she cried and cried and when Jeremiah started to hyperventilate because he couldn’t stop she cried more. They cried together, holding each other like if they let go the other would disappear and they’d be alone.
Belly didn’t remember falling to the floor with him, but that’s how they ended up. A heap of tangled limbs on the floor, Belly practically in his lap while he cried into her shoulder and she into his.
She did her best to keep her thoughts anchored for Jeremiah, one hand rubbing his back, the other holding the back of his head. She would cry with him and she would not leave him again. She would stay here with him, he would not be forgotten again. Belly would be his anchor now as long as he would let her.
Belly had no idea how long it had been, it felt like hours before Laurel came back and found them this way. She looked at her mother with blurry vision. Jeremiah didn’t move so Belly kept her hand resting on the back of his head.
She didn’t see her mom cry, but she could tell Laurel was doing her best to hold back her own tears until she was able to get the two teens out of the room.
Everything was still a blur, but the next thing she was able to comprehend was standing out in the hallway, her hand clasped in Jeremiah’s. He was holding hers so tightly it hurt but she wasn’t going to make that fact known so she just held his tightly too.
“Belly.” Her mother was suddenly standing in front of them. How long had she been there for?
“Will you stay with him for awhile?”
She nodded without hesitation.
“I have to- I need to call everyone and then start making arrangements.” That was all her mother said before she was gone somewhere else in the house. Belly didn’t understand how her mom could be so strong. She felt like a wreck and that was an understatement.
She timidly turned to look at Jeremiah. His face was blank and tear stained, both their crying only temporarily on hold. She took a deep shaky breathe and without saying a word started pulling Jeremiah towards the stairs to his room. She thought he might protest but he said nothing.
She wasn’t sure what to do once they got to his room and she was sure Jeremiah wasn’t going to talk for now. That was okay, he didn’t need to. She could figure this out, she would stay with him.
Belly settled on pulling Jeremiah to his bed. She sat down first and pulled him down. He seemed stiff again.
“You can cry if you want, it’s okay if you need to.”
Without a word Belly let him embrace her again. He buried his head in her shoulder where it had been halfway laying on top of her, but she didn’t mind. She held him there while he cried again and she cried again too. One hand on the back of his head slightly playing with his hair to try and sooth him, the other on his back holding him steady. They stayed like this for awhile, belly wasn’t sure how long it had been. She wasn’t sure how many times her heart had broken today, to many to count.
When Belly’s own crying stopped and her tears dried to her face once again she tuned into Jeremiah’s light snoring. He had cried himself to sleep. The pang in her chest got worse. Belly felt the strong need to wash her face and get out of this dress, but Jeremiah had wrapped himself so tightly around her she wasn’t sure how to move without waking him up.
“I’ll never leave you again I promise. I’m so sorry Jeremiah. I feel awful and I’ve been awful towards you. You were all alone and you shouldn’t of had to be. I’m so sorry, but I’m here now and I’m not going to forget about you again ever. I’ll be right here for you if you’ll let me. We can fix us… I really hope.”
Belly knew he couldn’t hear her, but she needed to tell him these things and maybe she couldn’t face him quite yet and say it.
She’s not sure how she did it, but somehow she managed to get up without waking Jeremiah. He had probably exhausted himself.
She whispered to him, “I’ll be right back,” and left the room.
Belly found the bathroom across the hall and wet a washcloth. She looked a mess, the little bit of mascara she put on to see Susannah now running down her face. She found what she assumed to be Jeremiah’s face wash and washed her face. This dress seemed to be the most uncomfortable piece of clothing now. Would it be wrong to borrow some of Jeremiah’s clothes?
Screw it, she wasn’t going to sleep in this dress.
Belly quietly made her way back to his room. She almost jumped out of her skin when she saw Jeremiah awake and looking right at her. She hadn’t wanted him to wake up. It surprised her even more when he spoke.
“I thought you left, I got… scared.”
“No Uhm I just wanted to wash my face… can I- can I uh borrow some clothes?”
After a few seconds he gave her a small hesitate nod. Belly found a pair of sweatpants and one of his t-shirts. “I’ll be right back.”
Belly had to roll up the sweatpants a few times so she wouldn’t trip on them, considering Jeremiah was a good bit taller than her. She found an unopened toothbrush and brushed her teeth then she grabbed a new wet washcloth, a dry towel, and the bottle of face wash. When she went back to his room he was still watching for her like he was scared she would really leave. It hurt, but she couldn’t blame him for it.
She sat down facing him on the bed and nervously held up the face wash. “Can I Uhm?…” Another hesitate nod. Sitting up seemed like it took all his energy.
Belly dumped a bit of the soap onto the wet cloth and scrubbed the fabric together so it would foam in her hands. Timidly she placed a hand on Jeremiah’s knee and with the other she gently started to wipe his face clean of the tear streaks.
“Close your eyes.” He did as she asked and let out a quiet breathe.
“They hurt, my whole face does,” Jeremiah spoke quietly. Belly knew it was from all the crying. His voice was hoarse like it hurt to even try and talk. She felt pretty much the same.
“Mine too.”
When she finished with the wet cloth she used the towel to dab his face dry. “I’m gonna get some water, do you want something to eat or?” He shook his head and Belly nodded. She stopped short of leaving the room and rummaged through his dresser again. She turned around holding a t-shirt and pair of plaid pajama pants.
Jeremiah looked at her quizzically.
“You don’t want to sleep in jeans do you?” She set the clothes on his bed and left the room.
When Belly came back with two bottles of water and a couple granola bars Jeremiah had changed and was sitting on the bed again. He took a water and one of the granola bars she offered. The two of them ate in silence and then Belly wasn’t sure what to do next.
“I can go sleep in a guest room and if you need anything-”
“Stay.”
Belly finally looked at him again. Had she heard correctly?
“Stay… please. I- I don’t want to be alone anymore.”
She didn’t want to be alone either.
“Ok.”
They lay down beside each other. Hesitantly Jeremiah interlocked their hands again. Belly was his anchor and maybe he could be hers at least for now.
It was like gravity had pulled them together to be a tangle of limbs again and Belly was reminded of when they were little and would sleep in the same bed together. She wished they could go back to those days at the summer house.
“I won’t leave you again.”
More needed to be said, but at least he could hear that part.
“Ok.”
It wasn’t much, but it would do for now. Maybe they could heal everything she had broken between them one day. For now they could just hold each other.