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Hogwarts - fifth year
Albus hid a pair of rainbow socks in the bottom of his trunk. He closed it and applied no less than two locking spells. He wasn't as good as Scorpius but still better than nothing.
He'd been stupid to take them, since he was determined to keep his homosexuality a secret for at least a little while longer. It was really nice, though. And they gave him that feeling of warmth, of community. He didn't know any other queer people besides himself.
At the end of the previous school year, he realized he was gay. Like, damn gay. Hopelessly gay. It could have been a tragedy - Albus Potter, the gay Slytherin no father deserved, especially Harry Potter - but recently Albus has been trying to mend ties with his family and with his father in particular. So it might as well have been kept a secret.
Also because he wouldn't have gone out with anyone, at least not soon. Indeed, Albus was trapped in the worst cliché: he was in love with his straight best friend. His straight, pureblood best friend.
It was really unfair to think of Scorp this way. Scorpius Malfoy, the heir to the noble house of Malfoy, son of Draco Malfoy and last pureblood descendant of the Black and Greengrass, was actually one of the sweetest people Albus knew. He was his best friend since his first year at Hogwarts. Albus really had no reason to assume that Scorpius wouldn't be sympathetic to him. It was Scorpius.
The only reason he hadn't said anything was the fear of making things weird. What if Scorpius accepted that but, at the same time, started to feel uncomfortable sleeping with him? Or maybe he just wanted another potions buddy? What if he asked to be sorted into another house to avoid him?
Okay, Albus was definitely getting lost in his head.
<Albus? Are you getting lost in your head?> asked a familiar voice.
Albus smiled. <Hey, Scorp. Everything's okay. I'm just... thinking.>
Scorpius didn't make the "That must be really hard for you" line, even though he had thought up it. Scorpius was like that, easily readable and a soft heart.
<Do you want to talk about it?> he asked.
<Yes, but no.>
<Profound answer> he said with an ironic smile.
Albus hit him on the arm. <You are cruel. I'm serious.>
Scorpius, who had put his hand on his arm, sat down on the bed and nodded to Albus, who sat next to him.
<Why were you staring at your trunk as if it wanted to bite you?>
<Maybe it's related to our Care of Magical Creatures book,> Albus said.
Scorpius laughed and rested his head on his shoulder. <Do you want to tell me this?>
<Really not> admitted the other. <I mean... yes, desperately, but no. Does it make sense?>
<What do you say? No, it looks like you've been drinking, Potter. Seriously. What's going on?>
And Albus found himself sighing. <I'm afraid if I tell you, it will ruin everything.>
Scorpius, bless him Salazar, was impassive for a good seven seconds before bursting out laughing.
<Idiot!> He exclaimed. <You are an idiot. We're Scorpius and Albus, dumbass. We are the greatest misfortune that has befallen the Slytherins in all time. We almost resurrected Voldemort. I'm literally the worst Malfoy in my family's memory. You are the first non-Gryffindor Potter in generations. We have faced six years of bullying and insanity. And do you think there's something in your head that you can tell me that could ruin us? And I always say you're smart! At this point I take back all the nice things I've ever said about you.>
Scorpius looked so convinced that for an instant Albus felt really stupid. It was Scorpius, his best friend in the entire universe. Could he really lose him? Weren't they bound across the stars and time?
<Okay. Might as well tell you. But promise not to freak out. And not to be a pureblood.>
<Not to... be a pureblood?>
<You shouldn't be a pureblood> Albus repeated. <No shouting and no "we exterminate what is different".>
<I could never> murmured Scorpius.
Albus sighed. He was sighing a little too much lately. <I know. But promise me anyway.>
Scorpius smiled. <You know you're scaring me, right?>
<Yes, I know. I'm sorry. Sorry.> Albus lowered his head.
<It doesn't matter. And I promise. I'll be super cute because you are the most important person in my life.>
<And you won't freak out> the boy insisted.
<And I won't freak out.>
Albus gripped the fabric of his pants. He had read dozens of stories about coming out. He knew what he had to say. He wondered why no one in those stories described how damn much he sweated from the pressure. Why did he feel it dripping from every pore? And why was the light from the fireplace so bright? It was just fire, at the end! What was he supposed to say?
In some stories, the boy kissed his love interest and that was it. It wasn't difficult, he could do it. But it sounded really awful. First of all, Scorpius wasn't - presumably - attracted to him. Second, he wasn't sure about the condition of his breath. And there was something inherently violent, commanding, about kissing someone like that.
<Do you want to give me a hint?> Scorpius asked.
<No, I... I'm almost ready, okay? I just need to remember the words or gestures and…>
<Albus> Scorpius put a hand on his shoulder. He had the most beautiful eyes in the world, especially in that instant, when they shone with his confidence. Scorpius was almost never sure. Albus was silent.
<Albus, say it what you want. It doesn't matter.>
And, in that moment, Albus wondered if Scorpius didn't already know. It was possible? There was no one as intelligent as him in all of Hogwarts, although Rose came close (Albus didn't want to think about her, she was another painful question).
<Do you know?>
Scorpius shook his head. <No. But I read many books. And you are not subtle. So I have a list of options. And I know that none of the options could make me hate you.>
<I'm not sick> said Albus, and that was a bad start.
<Thanks to Salazar!> Scorpius replied. <I don't want to come to your funeral, thank you.>
<Was this in the list?>
<Yes.>
Albus laughed. It was so nice to talk to him. Why was he making it difficult?
People in books should simply say: <I like you>.
Scorpius stared at him. He could see his head fill with conflicting thoughts.
<Like, romantically?>
<Yeah> Albus pulled his legs up to his chest. Scorpius was still beside him, which could be a good sign.
<Not as a friend?>
It was a subtle question, a request for confirmation. <No. I mean, yes, you're an amazing friend and I like you as a friend but I also really like you as a... well, dream man?>
The corner of Scorpius' mouth lifted slightly: <Dream man? Really?>
Albus blushed. <Shit. Sorry, I didn't mean to say it like this...>
Then Scorpius' expression twisted and a laugh slipped from his lips.
Albus threw a second punch at him. <Come on, I'm serious. You can't laugh in front of my coming out clumsiness.>
Scorpius put a hand to his mouth but couldn't stop himself. <Sorry, Al. But did you really say "dream man"? As if it were a soap opera?>
The hint of the soap opera, something Muggle, something Scorpius knew from him, was so familiar that even Albus found himself smiling.
A hand passed on his shoulders and soon he found himself in the embrace of the blond.
<So...are you... gay?> He whispered to him.
Albus, who just seconds before had looked like he was on the verge of tears, was overcome by a storm of emotions.
Gay. His word, spoken aloud and with dignity, for him, for the first time. He buried his head against Scorpius' shoulder and nodded.
<I am.>
And Scorpius, who cared about him more than anyone else, squeezed him.
<It's nice that you told me> he murmured.
Albus didn't answer. There wasn't much to say.
<You know I'm straight, right?> Scorpius asked under his breath.
He didn't dare to lift his head: <Yes. I'm sorry if... you know>.
Scorpius understood. He moved away enough to see his face. Albus had tears in his eyes and the most pleading expression he had ever seen.
<Oh, Albus... you know. I can't.>
<I know. I'm sorry.>
Scorpius was sorry too. Desperately.
He searched for something to say, but the only gesture on his mind was to pull Albus into a second hug. <I love you. A lot.>
<I know, Scorp.>
<And I don't want you to apologize.>
Albus rebelled against his shirt. <But... I messed everything up. I ruined our friendship.>
<No, you didn't.> Scorpius said it confidently, even though he'd never felt so sad. <Sorry if I can't reciprocate. I promise you everything will be fine.>
And Albus, who was basically just a kid in love with the right person, just believed him.
***
Hogwarts - sixth year
It had been a year since Albus' coming out. The Potters' second son was slipping slowly into their dorm room. He had to be quick, grab his Potions homework folder and sneak out. He didn't have to cross Scorpius and everything would have been fine.
He turned the handle, squinted in the light as the door opened and…
<Surprise!>
Albus took a step back as his brain processed the image before him.
They were flags. Many, many pride flags. For a Slytherin dormitory, the place was really blue.
Albus spread his arms as Scorpius swooped in and lifted him up.
<Happy anniversary of your first coming out!> He yelled into his ear.
<Slowly or I'll go deaf> Albus slipped out of the embrace and rolled his eyes. Even if some time had passed, Scorpius kept the same charm in his eyes as always, despite the new haircut that gave him a much more cheeky look.
<Sorry> the blond replied. <But James said that if we didn't make a surprise we might as well not have a party at all.>
<Indeed, who would throw a party for that?>
<You're the one who always says "The Weasleys celebrate everything"> Scorpius shrugged. <And besides, you're my best friend. If I don't organize it, who will?>
It was the craziest situation Albus had ever seen. Instead of acting like any normal straight guy and being awkward, Scorpius had taken his inability to reciprocate his feelings as a guilt to be paid for. He was the most supportive person of all: defending him in public, accompanying him to his first pride parade, being there when he came out to Lily and James first and then to Harry and Ginny. He had bought a billion gadgets and had listened to all of Albus' doubts and questions for hours. He'd hosted him when he'd dropped into Malfoy Manor unannounced on New Year's Eve.
Really, what had he done to deserve such a perfect person in his life?
Who cared if Albus was in the eternal friendzone? Albus loved Scorpius and Scorpius loved Albus. Not all loves were the same. They were happy.
<I told them to make a cake in the shape of a penis but they said it was vulgar> James yelled.
Still, the friendzone is better than having the Potters as siblings.
***
Hogwarts - seventh year
<Albus?>
Scorpius' voice was very low, barely a whisper.
For a moment, Albus wondered if he had dreamed it.
They had only been back at Hogwarts for a month and things were strange. On the one hand, exams and finishing school made everyone anxious about their future. On the other hand, the prospect of adulthood wasn't only terrifying but also interesting. What would their life be like afterwards?
Albus and Scorpius hadn't really talked about it but in a way talking was superfluous. Obviously they would move in together. They were Albus and Scorpius!
<Scorpius? Something's wrong?>
<Can I sleep here?>
Since Delphi's arrest, the two had spent a long time tortured by nightmares. Usually, sleeping together helped. It's been a while since Scorpius asked.
<Nightmare?>
He shook his head. <Just thoughts. I can go away if you want.>
He had said it but in reality he was already sitting on the edge of his bed. Albus chuckled and moved aside.
<Come on, tell me everything.>
Scorpius cast a silencing spell and slipped under the covers.
<Do you remember when you came out? And you said you wanted to talk about it, but you didn't want to? I think I understand you now.>
Albus arched an eyebrow: <Are you gay?>
Scorpius glared at him: <Did I ever give you the impression?>
Albus grimaced: <Well, you're not sporty and you know how to knit.>
<First of all, I'm getting my knit hat back. You don't deserve my presents> Scorpius said as he lay down next to him. <Second, your irony is bad.>
<Ha ha, you love me for that.>
<Sure.>
The blond sighed. <Listen, if I had some… queer/romantic questions, but if I asked, I'd risk leading you on, but if I really needed your advice as my best friend and the only queer person I'm close to, would you want me to ask?>
Albus hesitated. <It's not like I want to have my heart broken, dude.>
<Sorry. You're tragic, but sorry anyway.>
<You know, the big problem with having a crush on you is that you're not an asshole. And I can't get over it.>
Scorpius waited, in silence, for his friend to continue.
<But I love you, we're friends and I... I want you to be happy. This sucks, but tell me anyway.>
The other hesitated. <Are you sure?>
A nod.
<Okay.> Scorpius closed his eyes and concentrated on his breathing like when he had to do a particularly difficult task. <I don't like Rose. I think I idealized my feelings for her. When others talk about love, when you do... none of you look like me. You all feel something huge, extraordinary, something that I don't feel. Something that everyone seems to have, except me. I don't look at anyone the way you look at me or the way my dad looked at my mom. I just... I just want to figure out what's wrong. I'm so tired of waiting for "the right person". Others don't need this mythical "right person"; other people feel things. Mind-blowing things. And the only bond strong enough to match what they seem to feel is the one I have with you. But I don't feel that, the butterflies in my stomach. I don't feel the magic, I don't hear the bells.> Scorpius opened his eyes and Albus noticed that they were shiny. He hadn't seen Scorpius cry in years.
<I just want to fall in love and be done with this.>
***
Albus stretched and bumped his arm against something soft. He winced, before remembering. Scorpius. After the conversation- mostly the monologue and hysterical crying - the night before, he had collapsed. Albus hugged him, trying to understand.
There were few things Albus knew.
First, no one should ever feel like Scorpius: love had to be beautiful, its sufferings had to be acceptable.
Second: he had to kill anyone who dared to make Scorpius feel like he was missing something. He was the kindest boy of all, the person who brightened up his life. He loved unconditionally and with loyalty. That story about being in love was stupid. If Scorpius had never fallen in love, why would it have mattered? The Middle Ages had been over for centuries and he could live very well without a woman who ran his house. Salazar!, Albus would have lived without a woman and coped just fine.
<Good morning> muttered a slurred voice next to him. <Shall I go get you breakfast in the kitchen?>
<'morning> Albus stretched out his legs. <Yes, thank you.>
Scorpius smiled and staggered to the bathroom. He wasn't exactly a morning person.
Their dorm mates don't seem to be there. Even if they had been there, it wouldn't have mattered: after the first few times, they had gotten used to finding the two of them in the same bed. For a while, there had been banter about it but it was so obvious that nothing had happened between them that eventually even the gossips stopped.
Albus glanced at the bookcase. Most of those books were by Scorpius, who was ten times as avid reader as he was.
Heartstopper, the volumes of which were among Albus's few purchases, gleamed on the shelf. Seeing them tickled something in Albus' mind. He reached over and took the first volume.
<See you soon> Scorpius greeted as he left.
Albus nodded back as he leafed through the graphic novel.
<Oh> said Albus.
He stood up, put down the Heartstopper and retrieved Loveless from the back of the bookcase.
***
<Repeat, slowly.>
Albus swallowed the giant mouthful of chocolate muffin in his mouth. <Aromantic. You are aromantic.>
<Aromantic> Scorpius looked down. <Sounds…sad.>
<Definitely not. You are the least sad person I know. Sounds cool.>
Scorpius started playing with the edges of his hoodie. <And is this a real thing? Isn't it in my head?>
<Of course not> Albus said in a tone that might have been sweet were it not for the piece of muffin he was chewing.
<You're getting chocolate all over your face.>
<I'm aware of that, Scorp.>
<And... I can't fall in love?>
<Do you want?> Albus held out the muffin.
<Fall in love or that chocolate bomb?>
<Both?>
<No and yes. Falling in love feels… just messed up. It's not that I want someone. It's just that they'll think I'm sad about it. And then, well, sometimes I find girls sexy.>
<It's because you're straight. Take the muffin.>
Scorpius took it. <Am I straight and aromantic?>
<Heterosexual, yes. Admit it, this explains so many things. It makes sense.>
Scorpius shrugged. <I wish it didn't have any. Is it normal to be scary?>
Albus sighed and did his best to convey confidence. <Hey. We face it together. Who cares, anyway?>
<My father, I believe. Definitely my grandparents.>
<And "go to hell"? Don't you say it?>
<Albus!>
<What?> Albus walked over to him and rested his head on his shoulder. <You're my best friend. No one can make you feel wrong. I'll destroy them if they try.>
Scorpius laughed. <You and your great mighty athletic build?>
None of them were particularly athletic or thin or sporty. It did not matter.
Albus punched his arm as he laughed.
Scorpius finally seemed to relax and took a bite of the candy. <I adore you.>
<Well, I fucking love you, you know how it is.>
***
The plans for living together had become more defined by the "coming out" of Scorpius. Albus was bombarded with questions at the craziest times of the day, and most of them ended in laughter and a high-five.
***
<What if I suddenly fall in love?> Scorpius asked as they mixed a potion.
<Then you're on the spectrum. Congratulations> Albus replied.
<What if I fall in love with a boy?>
<Congratulations also for having discovered that being gay is always better.>
<Mr Potter, Mr Malfoy, being gay doesn't allow you to speak in class!>
***
<What if my father kicks me out? Or does he disown me?>
<Your father who would literally kill for you, he loves you more than anything in the world and he refuses to arrange a marriage with you because your happiness is the only thing that matters?>
<Yes.>
Albus snorted. <You still live with me in London after Hogwarts, Scorp. And now bow or I'll kick you instead of the hippogriff.>
***
<What if they kill me?>
<To be aromantic?>
<Well, they could kill you for being gay.>
<We are wizards, you remember that, right?>
***
<What if I want children?>
<Protego. Does it come to your mind now? In the forbidden forest at three in the morning?>
Scorpius looked down.
<We can always adopt. We could be co-parents! That would be cool.>
***
<What if you get engaged?>
<I doubt it, I've liked you for ages.>
<What if I get engaged?>
<Well, that's sorted out, right?>
<No! What will happen to our children?>
<Honestly, I'm not even answering this one. YES PROFESSOR I WATERED THE DIRIGIBLE PLUMS PLANT.>
***
<What if I fall in love with you?>
Albus turned to him. The moonlight filtered through the window. <That would be nice.>
<Yes, really.>
But deep down, Albus knew it wouldn't happen. That wasn't how it went between them.
Yet there it is. The illusion.
The question slipped from his lips like a betrayal of his own vocal cords: <Can I kiss you?>
Scorpius sat up abruptly and Albus recoiled.
<Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, I don't know why I said that. I will never say it again, I->
The blond ran a hand over his face, then looked back at him. Gray in green.
<You know, I've always thought your eyes are really cool, other than that.>
Albus hesitated. <Aren't you angry?>
<Nah. It actually made sense as a question. It's fine if you want to try. I can't promise anything though.>
<Try to kiss you?>
Scorpius nodded.
Albus held his breath. <Are you...sure?>
A nod.
<Really, are you sure you're sure? Because I would never- ouhw>
Scorpius was kissing him. It was… it was… the most amazing thing that had ever happened to anyone. Albus could have burst into tears. He could have died instantly. It was so magical, so perfect, so…
<Nothing> Scorpius broke away. His expression was desperate. <I'm sorry.>
<Are you... are you okay?>
Scorpius reached out a hand and Albus shook it. <Yes. You?>
<If I say it was the best kiss of my life, am I off topic?>
Scorpius forced a smile. <No. No, I'm happy if you're fine.>
<Let's not do it again> Albus said though. <Not if it makes you feel bad.>
<It doesn't make me feel "bad"> Scorpius shrugged. <It's just... there. Nothing. It's not bad. And I love seeing you smile like that. But romance is not for me, I think.>
Albus hesitated. <At the cost of sounding crazy, can I ask you a question?>
Scorpius nodded. <Sure> he said softly. <Anyway, we've crossed the line of idiocy for a while now.>
<Umh, you love me. Not romantically speaking.>
<Yes.>
<And I love you. And we're, like, perfect together. So why aren't we together?>
<Albus, I...>
<No, wait. I don't say, like, sex or things you don't want to do. Just... kisses. Cohabit. Have a family someday. Get married...? If you want. And be happy. Have a relationship. Instead of sneaking into my bed, we could share one. And go to parties together and eat heart-shaped things on Valentine's Day. Making Christmas presents together and signing them "from Albus and Scorpius". Dancing together. And no kisses, never again, if you don't want to, but if you want them too. And... I know I've said this before, but we could be happy. It wouldn't matter to me how, if I know that I have you next to me for the rest of my life.>
Scorpius watched him, silent and Albus knew he was processing his saccharine statement but, damn, he wanted to bury himself. It was too much? Had he exaggerated?
<Okay.>
<Seriously?>
Scorpius nodded. <Yes. You are the person I care about the most in the world. Why not? You are not stupid. If you say it's okay for you, then I believe you. And it would make me happy to be with you. Really. So, okay.>
He looked down. <If you want, we can kiss, now.>
<If I want, huh?>
<Fool!>
<Idiot. I love you.>
<Me too, except I don't.>
Albus laughed and gave him a hug. And Scorpius thought that one day he would tell his children about him "that's how I met your father" and he would think about that night and the moon and the fact that people are always able to be happy, if they give themselves a chance . And that he would be happy.