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a door slamming, stomping steps, the heavy bag jimin knows so well being thrown over the floor. “i’m so tired of this bullshit!” yeah, jeongguk’s home.
jimin carefully sets his book and reading glasses on the coffee table, quickly making his way to the door. the image that greets him is far sadder than one would expect based on the loud yell. jeongguk stands there in his date outfit, the one he spent far too long carefully preparing. his stomper boots are messily thrown around the floor alongside with his backpack, and the dejected look on his face makes jimin’s heart ache.
“hi jeonggukie,” he greets him softly, taking a small step in his direction, just in case jeongguk wasn’t in the right headspace for physical touch right now.
“hyung,” jeongguk whines pitifully. his pout trembles in an effort to keep his feelings inside, and it’s enough for jimin to know he’s close to tears.
again, they’re in this exact same scenario once again.
“come here, tokki,” jimin sighs, opening his arms wide for jeongguk to hide in them.
jeongguk doesn’t waste time. his big figure wraps around jimin easily, like this well-practiced dance they have going on between them. his shoulders overshadow jimin’s by a couple centimeters but he’s taller, so to hide his face in jimin’s shoulder he has to slump a bit, curling around him like he’s trying to swallow him whole.
it should be uncomfortable, not only for jeongguk but for both of them, but how could jimin feel anything but bliss when he’s surrounded by his favorite person in the world?
“it happened again, hyung,” jeongguk whispers, his weak voice threatening to break at any second. “when is it gonna stop happening? what is wrong with me?”
jimin holds him tighter, closer. “nothing, jeongguk,” he says fiercely. “nothing’s wrong with you, you hear me? nothing.”
jeongguk doesn’t reply but jimin isn’t expecting him to. he pats his back gently, pets his hair, sways them side to side a little bit, trying to soothe him, to console him in any way he can, make his heart feel at least a little bit less hurt, less broken.
“i’m tired,” jeongguk sniffles, and jimin pretends he doesn’t notice how hard he’s crying.
“let’s go to bed.”
together, he doesn’t add.
that’s a given.
—
when he was fifteen jeongguk realized he wasn't like the rest of the guys around him. after a painfully long time of thinking everyone around him was just joking around and exaggerating when they spoke about their attraction to girls, he realized that the reason to his confusion might be the fact that he’s simply not attracted to women.
so he's gay, cool, he can live with that. it makes sense, thinking about it, he doesn't really interact with girls that much, doesn't know how, doesn't know what to talk about, how to approach them. he's always been strictly surrounded by men, so in his head, it makes sense that the reason for that is that he's attracted to them.
he isn't, he realizes a year later. turns out that wanting to befriend men isn't the same as being sexually attracted to them.
that was a hard one to crack.
and since he's not particularly attracted to women but neither particularly attracted to men, it must mean that he was right, all those years ago when he thought that people were just making things up for the dramatic effect. attraction isn't that overpowering thing that makes one’s heart beat faster and their hands sweat uncontrollably when someone handsome looks in their direction.
he's not particularly attracted to women, but neither particularly attracted to men, so that must mean that he feels the same level of attraction for both of them, right?
the answer is clear, there's no other option.
so, bisexual it is.
deng, wrong again.
what jeongguk didn’t know at the time is that yes, you can be attracted to everyone, but you can also be attracted to no one .
so he's asexual. because that's what asexual means, people that don't date.
and also people that don't fuck.
or something like that. to be honest he's not really /that/ sure at this point and he doesn’t feel like having another sexuality crisis when he's so focused on his university entrance exam, so he never looks it up. he just calls himself asexual, the kind of asexual that doesn't date.
as terribly embarrassing as it sounds, the first time jeongguk reads the word 'aromantic' it's in a fanfic.
a sasuke x naruto fanfic.
not his proudest moment, that's for sure.
in the fanfic, they explain it so simply, so normally, like it's an obvious term that everyone knows and is widely familiar with, and the word leaves a sweet after-taste in jeongguk's mouth.
aromantic. someone who's not romantic.
it's so fitting it almost hurts.
by the time jeongguk realizes that he's also asexual he's twenty-one, a virgin, and deeply uncomfortable with the mere thought of himself in any sexual scenario. and to be honest, he feels good with that. he feels good about himself and the labels he wears proudly because they identify him perfectly and with them, he doesn't have to think about his own borderline sexual fantasies, he doesn’t have to think about the times he touches himself thinking about faceless people, he doesn’t have to think about the yearning, curled up in bed, wishing for someone to hold him and wipe his tears.
he doesn't have to think about how much being lonely hurts, about how much he wants to take someone's hand, be cuddled and babied, and taken care of, and loved, and…
he's aroace, he reminds himself.
he's never going to want to kiss someone on the lips, or marry, or fuck, or touch another person's genitals, or have kids, or plan a future together, or adopt a pet with someone, or fall in love…
out of all the realizations, that one's the one that hurts the most.
the realization that if he wants to live by these labels, he's gonna have to do it alone, because even being aroace comes with a set of standards, and he? he's never gonna be able to meet them and also be at peace.
getting his sexuality respected or getting the love that he dreams about?
that's the hardest decision he has to make.
—
the incident gets pushed aside, swept under the rug, and promptly forgotten, as it always does. they don’t mention the name of jeongguk’s partner again, but it’s a mediocre measure, everyone knows, it’s just one more name added to the long list of forbidden names of jeongguk’s past companies.
not that jimin minds the fact that jeongguk has partners, that’s never been it. the only thing jimin has ever wanted is to see jeongguk happy, to see him live a joyful life, to be safe and taken care of, to see his bunny smile and not have to worry about how long it’s gonna last, about how fragile the little light in his eyes is, his precious heart always at the mercy of some asshole that’s never gonna be good enough.
it’s not jealousy, and he’s not mad at jeongguk, because none of this is his fault, he’s just… mad. he’s mad that things have to be this hard for someone as amazing as jeon jeongguk.
his friends always get mad on his behalf, jeongguk knows, and he’s faintly aware that maybe he should be angry too, but all he feels in his heart is sadness, emptiness, void.
it doesn’t matter how they meet, doesn’t matter how nice, how kind, how protective, or how much of an lgbtq+ activist the guy seems to be at the beginning. everyone’s nice on the first date. nice, and understanding, and soft, taking him out in beautiful places, holding his hand, promising him the sky, the moon, and all of the stars, but sadly for him, it always comes to a point where the act gets old.
where jeongguk gets old.
because for some reason they always think they can change him, they can fix him. they always think that if they invest the right amount of patience, the right amount of money, and pretty words, jeongguk’s gonna finally give in at least, at least , in the sex aspect.
he feels like an experiment, sometimes, like a challenge, a prize to win, but even if jeongguk did give in, even in the impossible scenario where he let himself be fucked, be loved in that way he can’t reciprocate, he knows it wouldn’t last, because, in reality, none of them loved him.
they didn’t even respect him to begin with.
jeongguk has lost count of how many times he has said the well-practiced “it’s not you, it’s me” speech, the one he used to mean, a long time ago when he was even more insecure than he is now. the one he sometimes still means during those short bursts of neediness where someone who he thought might be his forever person turned out to be just like everyone else.
he tries not to mean it anymore, but it still stings, to say those things about himself and by defect, about everyone else in the spectrum.
he hates wording it as if there’s a problem, hates it even more to make it seem like he’s the problem.
“can i ask you a question?” jimin asks, pulling him out of his thoughts. he turns to look at him, his pretty face wearing that expression he makes when he’s worried but trying to hide it.
jeongguk nods. whatever jimin asks he’d always answer because it’s jimin, and there’s no one in the world he loves more than him. “why do you… jeongguk, why do you keep trying?”
the question makes him wince and his body gets filled with shame and the need to hide. the only reason he doesn't it's because they are both lying down in his bed, side by side, arms touching, fingers almost intertwined. he knows that if he turns his head, he will feel jimin’s breathing against his face. he knows he can’t run.
the words burn in his chest, in his stomach, in his eyes, but he knows what jimin’s asking. he knows he didn’t mean it the way jeongguk’s brain is trying to make him interpret it.
“i’ve thought about giving up,” jeongguk whispers. his eyes close on their own volition, he can’t face the words. this is the first time he has said them out loud. “i’ve thought about just forgetting about it and keep going with my life, i guess,” it hurts. it hurts, everything does, but he can’t stop speaking, not once he has already started. “i don’t like it any more than you do, this… this thing i keep doing, it’s not fun for me either, and i’ve thought, so many times, about just stopping and never looking back, about never going back to any of those qpr blogs and group chats.
“but hyung,” his voice wobbles, but jimin knows not to interrupt. “i don’t wanna be alone forever, not the way they think i do,” he sobs. “i’ve tried so many times, and it's- it's not out of whim, this isn't some twisted way of forcing myself to do something i don’t want, there are- there are so many things i want to explore, so many things i've been wanting, dreaming about for such a long time, but everyone around me is constantly making me feel like wanting is some kind of betrayal to my identity, when if they knew a single thing about aromanticism, they'd realize it's not.
"i've tried so hard, i've given all i have trying to make things work and they never do. it's never good enough and sometimes i feel like i'm never good enough. all i want- all i'm asking for it's someone to fucking like me, to be by my side, to hold my hand when i need it and hug me every once in a while, someone to worry about me, to have my back, to cuddle me to sleep and- and- sometimes i just wanna be a priority. hyung, i just want to matter, how is that too much? why is it so easy for everyone else but when i ask for it it's wrong or selfish or greedy?"
he can't stop crying, he can't stop talking, it's too late for any of those, too late to backtrack.
"tokki, you-" jimin's crying too, he notices. crying out for him, for his pain, for his hurt. "you don't have to keep talking about it, it's okay, i'm sorry i asked, i’m sorry."
jeongguk cries for a while longer until his heart has let out all the overflowing sadness crushing his insides. "i want to be able to make this better," he says later, when his cheeks are dried and salty, his eyes a bit swollen too. "but i don't know how. it seems like no one wants to help and i can't- i can't do it by myself."
—
"you know i'm always honest with you, right?" jimin says while they're doing the dishes.
it's a lazy sunday, which means late meals and whiny mopping around the apartment because none of them wants monday to come. sometimes lazy sundays include a hangover too, but after yesterday's conversation the only hangover jeongguk has is the emotional type.
his head still hurts a bit from crying so much, and they weren't even drunk to justify all the emotional talk. for some reason jimin and him have always been the biggest crybabies, feeding into each other's tears whenever they cry together.
"i know, why?" jeongguk asks from his place where he's drying the dishes.
"i thought a lot about what you said yesterday," jimin starts.
"hyung, you don't have to–"
"i thought about it because there's something i never told you and maybe you should know. i didn't hide it because i felt embarrassed, but more like i didn't want to make you feel pressured," he explains, his eyes still focused on the bowl in his hands.
he has probably washed it three times over at this point, but it's obvious the damn bowl is just a distraction so who cares.
his shoulders are tense, and jeongguk's little inquisitive 'hyung?' doesn't do anything but make him even tenser. "when we first met i had a bit of a puppy crush on you," jimin finally says, body abruptly turning to jeongguk's direction until they're face to face, looking straight at each other’s face. "i got over it, mostly, but i don't think that crush is ever gonna totally go away. i'm not in love with you," he clarifies. "more like… enamored. i love you, i want you to be happy, whatever that means to you. everytime you come home crying because of a guy it hurts, and i- i ache to make it better.
"jeongguk, i want to make it better," jimin says, his voice smaller, a bit sad, but still firm, with no hint of hesitation. "i don't expect sex, i don't expect you to fall in love with me, and i know you said you have heard this before, but in five years of friendship i've never wanted you to fall in love with me, and that's not gonna change," he says. "jeongguk," his hands are soapy, still wet and covered in bubbles, and jeongguk's looking at him with those beautiful doe eyes wide open, at a total loss of words, but even if he says no, even if he rejects him, jimin realizes he would be okay with that. nothing in his heart would change, he just wants, needs jeongguk to know.
with one of his still soapy, wet hands, he holds jeongguk's chin, softly cupping his face, biting his lip to not let out a coo when jeongguk instinctively follows the movement, follows jimin's warmth. "i want to take care of you, if that's something you'd like. you don't have to give me an answer now, or ever, i- i won't be hurt. i just want you to know that i'm here. for you, tokki, i'll always be here."
with that, he turns back to the dishes, finally rinses the damn bowl, and moves on to the next. he sees by the corner of his eye how jeongguk hasn't moved, how he's still looking at him with wide eyes, like a deer in the headlights, but he misses the way he opens and closes his fists, the dumb dopey smile pulling at the corners of his lips. his own heartbeat is too loud in his ears, his hands feel shaky and weak, and his face warm warm warm, he doesn’t have time to notice the important details of jeongguk's stance.
"i want." jeongguk says, loud and clear. the words make jimin freeze on the spot. "i want to try," he clarifies, "i know hyung would take care of me," he then says then, more softly, more vulnerable. one of his firm tattoed hands finds a place on jimin's shoulder. "i trust you the most in the world."
—
for their first date– date, jeongguk still giggles giddily at the word–jimin insists they go through all the proper first date protocol, which apparently has a lot of rules.
jeongguk had laughed at first, saying that for them there wasn't such a thing as a first date because they hang out pretty much every other day, and technically, all of those could be considered dates too, but jimin didn’t seem content with that answer. he insists that even if yes, those could technically count as dates, this is the first time both of them are aware that they’re going on a date with each other, and so he insists (more like whines and pouts) for jeongguk to just oblige, promising he’d enjoy it anyways.
on saturday jimin leaves the apartment early with a big bag full of clothes because he’s going to get ready at taehyung and hoseok’s apartment. that way, he said, they won’t see each other until the actual date and he has the chance to pick jeongguk up like a proper gentleman.
jeongguk tries to object a bit at first, insisting on how jimin’s doing too much, taking it too seriously, but as more and more details pile on, and he notices the actual care and thought jimin has been putting into the whole thing, he finds himself impatiently waiting for their agreed time to come, desperately going through his closet to find an appropriate outfit even if jimin’s familiar with pretty much every piece he owns.
he ends up calling reinforcements, who are seokjin, for fashion advice and to bring over some pretty clothes, and yoongi for makeup advice. he had originally called namjoon too so he could provide some needed moral support, but namjoon turned out to be at work, so sadly he couldn’t attend the big moment, as the other two called it.
they end up pretty much bashing the whole entire room, but by 6:30 jeongguk’s wearing his best baby blue jeans with a flowy white shirt courtesy of seokjin and a ton of accessories everyone chimed in to help pick. his makeup is soft, bordering the shiny side, with an appropriate amount of glitter to give him that glossy dreamy look he likes to wear on special occasions.
he thought of going for one of his more usual outfits, something darker, more streetwear, but he ended up deciding against it in order to try something new, and also surprise jimin a little bit.
“you look beautiful,” yoongi says, as he applies a cute glittery pink gloss on jeongguk’s lips. “i’m very happy for you, gukkie, you deserve the best.”
“and jimin hyung is the best?” jeongguk jokes just to lighten up the mood a little bit.
yoongi rolls his eyes in response, trying to look annoyed, but he’s always had a soft spot for jeongguk, so not even that kind of performance does anything to deter his big smile. “i happen to think highly of him, yes,” he admits, still laughing a bit. he finishes applying the lipgloss and straightens up, carefully moving a strand of hair out of jeongguk’s face. “but you know what i mean. i’m proud of you, i want you to always be as happy as you look now.”
“hyung, don’t make me cry now,” jeongguk whines, blinking quickly to keep the extra moisture out of his eyes.
“yah, how’s crying?!” seokjin yells from somewhere in the apartment. less than a minute later he appears at the door. “are you pair of saps being cute and cheesy without me?” he says, indignation thick in his voice.
“you always ruin sappy moments,” yoongi teases, sticking out his tongue at him.
“how dare you, min yoongi!”
the pair keeps bickering while jeongguk cackles all the way through the exchange until it’s time to shoo both of them out of the apartment and sit to wait for jimin to arrive, not before getting a lot of hugs, kisses, good wishes, and even some texts from namjoon wishing him the best.
on a surprising turn of events, jimin arrives at 7 pm on the dot, not a single second late. he rings the doorbell, like a gentleman, greets jeongguk with a respectful bow, and then hands him a beautiful bouquet of flowers full of tiger lilies, with little spireas adorning the edges.
their birthflowers.
“i know spireas have a different meaning,” he says sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck in an adorable nervous habit. “but i know you like to cherish everyone’s birth flower, so i thought it might be a good idea to get this one.”
“i love it,” jeongguk quickly assures him, taking the bouquet in his hands with the utmost care. “it’s beautiful, i love it, hyung, thanks.”
after jeongguk turns back to the apartment to put the bouquet safely on a vase with water, they make their way to the han river, where the plan is pretty much just to walk around, chat, eat some of their favorite street snacks–which jimin insists on paying for, because apparently that’s another first date rule–and watch the sunset.
jeongguk’s not at all worried about what the date’s gonna be about, because he has never had a boring day with jimin by his side, but he appreciates the chill atmosphere, a huge contrast with some overly fancy restaurant dates he’s been taken to, which are nice, of course, but also make him tense as hell.
they entertain themselves by playing silly question games, skipping over the lines on the sidewalk, betting on who can drink a slushie the fastest without getting brain freeze, and running around the park alongside the river like little kids.
“i know this doesn’t really fit the first date etiquette,” jimin says at some point while they’re walking. “but would it be too bold if i ask to hold hands?” he asks, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.
jeongguk has to restrain himself not to snort in his face, “come here, you dork,” he giggles instead, taking jimin’s hand and intertwining their fingers.
after the sun has set they eat dinner katsudon at their favorite japanese place, where they once again fight over the bill, jimin arguing that he’s the oldest, so he should pay, and jeongguk saying that since jimin already broke one of the first date rules, he’s also allowed to break one.
in the end, jeongguk lets jimin pay, but only under the promise that he’ll let jeongguk pay for the next date.
next date.
the walk back to their apartment is shared in comfortable silence, they share earbuds, listening to some chill yun ddan ddan songs on jimin’s phone while jeongguk entertains himself by swinging their still-locked hands.
“so,” jimin says when they reach the door, “was i any good on first date duty?” he asks. his smile is cocky and overconfident, the way he always is, but jeongguk’s known him for far too long to recognize the sincerity of the question.
he looks down at their hands, at the little bracelet jimin got him for his last birthday, the one jeongguk pretty much never takes off and wonders how he didn’t think of this earlier, how he let so much time go by without noticing that the perfect person was right in front of him, sleeping in the room next to his.
“it was perfect,” he says, with a small, totally honest smile. “it was everything i could as for, hyung, thanks.”
“perfect enough for a second one?”
“perfect enough for a thousand more,” jeongguk confirms.
—
“we have to talk,” jeongguk announces on a thursday night when he sees jimin comfortably relaxing on the couch after a shorter-than-usual shift at the bookstore where he works at.
they’ve been going on dates for a couple of weeks at this point, and every time, any expectations jeongguk could’ve had have been greatly exceeded, not because they do anything flashy or expensive–they do sometimes splurge a bit, but it’s not the norm–but because of how genuinely excited jimin looks every time he presents jeongguk with a new little craft or activity to do together.
so far they’ve painted mugs, gone to a baking workshop, picked out strawberries at a field, been to a local art exhibition full of queer pieces, and done some random painting challenges at a local café. jeongguk enjoyed that one the most, because they did this thing where for two minutes each one of them drew on a picture, and when the time was up they exchanged papers to draw on each other’s, repeating the process until the page was full. now both pretty drawings are framed in their living room, and jeongguk loves looking at them.
“sure, tokki, what’s up?” jimin says, sitting up straight with his legs crossed, so there’s enough space for jeongguk to sit too.
jeongguk takes the invitation, but he doesn’t sit as close to jimin as he usually would. that raises red flags in jimin’s head. “is there something wrong?” he asks, and immediately winces at his own word choice, “is it something very very important?” he corrects himself.
in any other context jeongguk might have laughed, but this is a serious matter, so he bites his lip instead, thinking of how to break the topic. “it’s important, yes,” he says slowly, carefully choosing his words. “it’s nothing bad, but its, you know, important to me. to us,” he corrects.
jimin nods, “go ahead then, i’m listening,” he encourages.
jeongguk takes a deep breath, he thinks of jimin’s sweet smile, he thinks of his embracing hugs, his careful touch. he thinks about the text message taehyung sent him wishing him good luck when jeongguk asked him for advice on how to start this kind of conversation. he looks at jimin’s eyes, sees himself reflected in them, and thinks about how he can do this.
it’s gonna be okay.
“i love going on dates with you,” he states first, and against his best efforts, his nose tingles in the way it does when tears are about to come. seriously, what’s wrong with him and all this crying recently? “i don’t think i’ve ever felt this good with someone before, this… respected and important,” he says, “being with you this past couple of weeks has been one of the best times of my life, i’m serious, and i… i wanna keep doing it.” he explains, “but there’s a lot more to me- to what’s so difficult about being with me, and i just…” he takes another, more shaky breath. “i’m not doubting you, but i need to make sure you are okay with that, because even if there are more things i’m willing to explore, and i want to experiment with, for the most part, this is it.
“this is dating me, and i know that maybe for you it’s not a whole lot different from what we were doing before, but for me it is.”
“tokki,” jimin murmurs, and he looks so endeared, so enamored, so… so in love, and for some reason, that makes jeongguk’s heart burst into fire. “i’d be honored to date you even if that meant only looking at you from afar,” he says, holding out his hand for jeongguk to take, and oh if he doesn’t. “i don’t need to kiss you, or to have sex with you, or do any of those things to know that you are just as involved in this as i am. anything else can be talked about, we can try and decide, anything can be arranged, i’d be more than happy to experiment with you, but this?” he says, gesturing to the both of them sitting together, to their apartment, the home they’ve made for themselves. “this is more than okay for me.”
“i love you,” jeongguk says, and for the first time, he knows he’s safe saying those words because there’s no need to clarify, there’s no place for judgment or misunderstandings.
“i love you too,” jimin replies. “do you wanna talk about those other things you mentioned?” he asks, gently encouraging him.
at that jeongguk tenses up a bit again, his cheeks flushing red as he wiggles in his place because jimin’s scrutiny makes him feel small, not in a bad way. “it’s embarrassing,” he mutters, ears red.
“it can’t be that bad,” jimin laughs, “you probably know way more embarrassing things about me.”
he does, that’s true. jimin has a habit of sharing a bit too much of his personal life for his friends to laugh at.
“as you know i like going on dates and stuff,” jeongguk says, cringing a bit at himself, at how dumb that sentence sounds. “i like holding hands, i like cuddles and hugs, and just like, touchy things. those are okay, even in public, i like it,” he says, nodding to himself as if he was crossing out things on a mental list. “no kissing on the lips,” he warns, putting up an accusatory finger to jimin. it’s a joke, mostly, because he knows how much jimin likes kissing his partners, and even his friends sometimes. “pecks might be okay on some occasions, but not always. other body parts are good, i like those kisses.”
“noted,” jimin nods, and he looks like he might actually pull out a notepad and write it down. it’s cute. “so, kisses on the cheek are fine?”
jeongguk blushes, “yeah, those are good,” he confirms, “there are… other things too.”
jimin shuffles a bit closer, not enough for their bodies to touch other than their hands, but closer, enough to show support. “you don’t have to tell me now if you don’t want to,” jimin kindly reminds him.
“but i want to,” jeongguk insists, “i wanna tell you, i want you to know.”
“okay then, tell me everything about it.”
“i don’t do sex,” he blurts out because he has to say it, he has to clarify it, even if jimin knows. “and by sex, i mean anything that involves genitals and body fluids, i don’t want it under any circumstance.” gulping down his nerves, he keeps going. “but there are things… you know what a non-sexual kink is?” he asks, not daring to look at jimin in the face because of how red he is.
“haven’t heard of it before,” jimin admits, “but by the name, i can imagine what it is, is it like, sexual things done in a non-sexual context?” he asks.
jeongguk tilts his head, thinking of how to word what he wants to say. “it’s like… things that are typically done in a sexual context, but can also be done outside of sex not like a turn-on but more like a comforting thing that makes you feel safe and uh- good.”
“i think i get it but can you give me an example?” jimin gently asks.
“i actually have, uh, a list.”
jimin’s eyebrows go up to his hairline. “oh, you came prepared,” he jokes, laughing.
“shut up!” jeongguk whines, playfully slapping his arm. his famously pretty pout making an appearance already “i didn’t want to forget anything.”
“okay, okay!” jimin giggles, raising his hands in surrender, “just teasing, you can tell me now, i swear i won’t interrupt anymore,” he promises, making the sign of zipping his mouth close and throwing the key.
“you better,” jeongguk pouts, eyebrows furrowed. “i uh- i like uh- physical touch,” he stumbles over his words, giggling nervously. “i already said that, i mean, i like skin-to-skin contact,” he corrects, “like, if you were to lay over me and we didn’t have our shirts on that’d be cool.” jeongguk cringes and jimin looks like he wants to say something, probably to try an ease his nervousness, but he remains silent, and jeongguk’s glad, he doesn’t know if he could endure a joke now without dying of embarrasement. “i think i would like to be restrained a little bit. not anything- not anything crazy! but like, my hands, maybe? yeah, that. and some… ah, how to say,” he laughs, rubbing the back of his neck, “some harder things, i guess? i like getting my hair pulled." this time jimin has to literally bite his lip not to point out how easy it’d be to pull jeongguk's hair now that it’s getting longer. “having your uh- fingers in my mouth would also be okay,” he nods, his eyes unconsciously eyeing their hands. jimin has to notice, because he gives him a little encouraging squeeze.
“is that all?” he asks when jeongguk doesn’t say anything more.
“i think… i’m not sure about this one because i’ve never had anyone to try with but maybe, uh spanking?” he offers shyly, “i’d like to try that sometime.”
when he looks back at jimin, he’s already looking at him, smiling in that way that makes jeongguk’s chest feel fuzzy and his whole body relax. “we can try all that,” he agrees, “i’d like to try all those things with you.” jeongguk opens his mouth to say something, but jimin cuts him off before he can, “don’t say thank you!” jeongguk closes his mouth. deng, how does jimin know him so well? “there’s no reason to say thank you. i still have one more question, though.”
“what is it?”
“all the things you mentioned are nonsexual, which is perfect, but i’m curious if you ever go into subspace or anything of sorts while doing them?” he asks.
jeongguk makes a face. “well, to be honest, i haven’t had much chance to experiment, but i think i was close to, on some occasions.”
jimin nods pensively. he really looks like he’s taking mental notes. “i’ll do some research on that, then, just to be prepared. is that okay?”
is that okay, he asks. jeongguk can’t believe this guy.
“yeah,” he whispers, in total awe. “that's a very good idea.”
—
with the year already well into the summer, the temperatures get higher and higher, and their cuddle sessions decrease significantly since none of them is too fond of being sticky, warm, and sweaty with another person all over them.
instead, during their free time they try to go out to places that provide some nice ac, or sit at home in front of the fan watching movies and eating snacks.
jeongguk and namjoon’s birthdays pass by in a flash of celebrations, drinks, surprise parties, gifts, and all sorts of things their friend group pulls off every year when they have to face two birthdays so close to each other. it’s chaotic, as always, but never as chaotic as taehyung and seokjin’s birthdays, so jeongguk’s pretty okay with that.
on the day of his birthday jimin takes jeongguk to the beach, books dinner at a beautiful place with a privileged sea view, and gifts him a necklace that matches perfectly with the one he gifted him on his last birthday.
all in all, summer’s great, jeongguk has the best time.
he’s a tiny little bit touch starved, though.
just a bit.
“hyung,” he whines petulantly, nosing at jimin’s jawline, tracing it up and down, basically rubbing his face against him.
they’re lying down in bed, supposedly trying to go to sleep, but jeongguk isn’t tired, can’t think of sleep when he’s surrounded by jimin’s smell, by the arm wrapped around his waist, his torso completely flush against jimin’s because they both sleep with no shirt on.
“didn’t you say you were tired?” jimin laughs, turning to face jeongguk, their noses touching.
“not anymore,” jeongguk whispers, there’s no need to be louder when they’re this close. it feels intimate, feels right.
“what do you want, then?” jimin asks, always willing to make any of jeongguk’s wishes come true.
he looks at him for a long moment, and it must look funny, because he has to go a little cross-eyed, but jimin doesn’t laugh like he normally would, instead, he looks at jeongguk with that intensity that makes him shiver, makes him crave for more.
“you,” jeongguk says.
before the word completely slips from his mouth, jimin’s already rolling over, his body hovering over jeongguk’s. he could be holding his weight on his elbows, but instead, he lets jeongguk handle it because he knows his big baby can.
their chests rub against each other with every small movement, jeongguk can feel jimin’s nipples against his own, and he can’t help the way his eyes close, his head falling back over the pillow.
“so pretty, bunny, such a sweet little thing,” jimin mumbles, leaving a trace of kisses from his hairline all the way down to his chin, skipping over the lips, but giving some special attention to the cute mole under jeongguk’s lower lip. “want hyung to hold your hands?”
jeongguk nods eagerly, lifting his arms over his head, wrists together so jimin can wrap his small hand around them in a loose grip. there’s no need to hold him tight because jeongguk’s too good to try and fight the restrain. “good boy,” jimin praises.
his small body lifts a bit from jeongguk’s as he accommodates to rest his weight on his knees, and jeongguk whines in protest. “hyung.”
“i know, i know,” jimin laughs, but he sounds breathless, just as affected as jeongguk feels. “i wanna watch you for a bit. you are so pretty, tokki, can you blame me?”
jeongguk squirms under jimin’s intense gaze, and he wants to watch him too, to admire him back, but he closes his eyes tighter instead. he feels jimin’s free hand touching his sides, reaching over his tummy, up his chest. he feels little nibbles over his collarbones, a hand firmly pressed over his chest so he can’t move, then the same hand sliding down to grope at his strong thighs.
they’ve talked about limits regarding where to touch. jeongguk said he was okay with everything except dicks. ‘asses are okay?’ jimin had asked jokingly.
‘they’re fine’ jeongguk replied, ‘asses are nice, especially yours,’ he said, throwing a flirty wink in jimin’s direction.
that one made him break into that unabashed loud laughter he lets out when he’s been taken by surprise. ‘someone’s been staring.’
‘can you blame me?’
“hyung,” jeongguk basically moans, needing more, closer, harder.
jimin knows immediately what he needs, because he always does. one of his hands holds jeongguk by the hair, pulling his head back, chin tilted up, forcing him to open his eyes and look at him in the eye. he doesn't get scared by the extra moisture on jeongguk's eyes or the lost look on his face. after all, jeongguk is a baby, one that cries so easily, so prettily.
"use your words, sweetheart," he prompts, pulling his hair a bit harder. "what do you want?"
jeongguk gasps for air, for words, in his fuzzy, slow brain. "kiss," he finally mumbles, with an urgency in his voice that makes jimin want to coo. "kiss, please, hyung," he says then, more politely, pulling his lips in a pout.
"good boy," jimin praises, hurrying to comply and connect their lips in a chaste, short peck, barely a few seconds of contact, but it's enough to make jeongguk's body sag back on the bed, body tired and spent.
jimin keeps whispering sweet nothings while caressing his body, worshiping every inch of beautiful tan skin, every line, every mole, every hair. he leaves kisses all over, sweet little pecks that make jeongguk's hairs stand on end.
he doesn't ask him to speak anymore, there's no need to. at this point, the only thing jimin needs is for jeongguk to sink into that comfy, nice place inside his head and let himself swim away, not too far, but enough to forget about any worry in the world.
by the time they finish the scene jeongguk's cheeks are wet by some stray tears, and his hair is all messy, splayed over the pillow.
he keeps his hands over his head even after jimin lets him go, and as he sits in his heels and admires the result of his hard work, jeongguk's deep, relaxed breathing, the small satisfied smile on his face, he has to squeeze his own thighs to restrain himself and not jump over him again.
everything about jeongguk's so beautiful. hell, jimin even loves the hair in his armpits.
something moves inside of him at the thought of the word love.
he loves jeongguk, he reasons, and jeongguk loves him back. do they love each other the exact same way? probably not, he reasons, but what couple loves each other the exact same way? how do you know your partner feels the exact same thing for you as you do for them?
isn't the fact that they're there for you, professing and proving that their feelings are genuine good enough?
maybe jimin will fall in love with jeongguk at some point, or maybe not. he doesn’t care, because he doesn’t need to.
opposed to what everyone else thinks, dating someone who's aroace and has concepts like sexual and romantic attraction so clear and present in their mind makes things way easier, communication flows between them in a way jimin has never experienced with anyone else, and he knows that anything he feels, he can discuss with jeongguk, and he won't be weirded out, or judgemental about it.
as long as he can see his smile every day, jimin realizes, it doesn't fucking matter what label the rest wants to put on it.
tomorrow he's gonna ask jeongguk to make it official. he knows they pretty much are, everyone knows they're dating, that they're together, in some way, but he wants to do something cute for jeongguk and ask, with all the cozy domestic gestures he knows jeongguk loves and appreciates, for him to be his platonic partner.
not to be too full of himself, but he has the hunch that jeongguk's gonna say yes.
the thought makes happy bubbles pop in his tummy.
he's so happy, right now.