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Sirius awoke before the sun even came up. In fact, darkness still saturated everything, and it was only after further inspection when he peered open the blinds beside the bed, that he realized it was still very much dark outside as well. He sighed as he flopped back over, one hand rested on his abdomen and the other behind his head.
“Mmmm, Remus. You awake?” Sirius opened one eye when he didn’t receive an immediate response and rolled over onto his side. “Rem, I asked if you’re awake.” When he still received no response, he reached out to pat the lump in the darkness. He instantly froze when the covers immediately deflated, the only solid thing under his hand being the pillow.
A harsh swear left Sirius’s lips as he flung the covers back for good measure. Sure enough, there was no Remus under the covers, only his pillows that had been slid in to replace him. It was a good try, and ordinarily Sirius probably would’ve fallen for it, maybe even snuggled up to the pillows and thought that it was Remus in his sleepy state. However, his mind had already awoken when he tried to check the time of day by looking outside.
Sirius grumbled under his breath as he threw the covers from his body and forced himself to sit up. His arms stretched over his head until he felt a deep stretch in the back of his shoulders. He gave his head a very doglike shake before rising to his feet and shuffling out the door on his way to the hallway.
The rest of the small cottage was dark, save a few nightlights in the bathroom and kitchen. He passed by both of those with no sign of Remus. It was only when Sirius rounded the corner of the kitchen that he heard the faint sound of pages being flipped. He thanked the fact that ever since he could turn into Padfoot, it had heightened his hearing even in human form. Instinct took him towards the small nook attached to the living room that Remus had designated as his study. He often conducted his research for articles that he was paid to be publish. Although, Remus didn’t have a deadline that Sirius knew about, so there should be no reason for him to be there at this time of night working.
“Remus?”
The werewolf in question jumped in his seat, book slamming shut as he pivoted sharply in his chair. Worry clouded his vision until he realized it was Sirius that had spoken his name. He instinctively relaxed, shoulders lowering and grip loosening on his wand that he had poised and ready for whatever intruder he thought was behind him.
“Sirius, it’s just you,” Remus whispered after a moment.
Sirius chuckled. “Sure, I guess just me will do. But I like to think that I’m an absolutely treat to see.”
Remus forced out his own laugh that matched Sirius’s energy. Bashfully he began to stack the numerous books he had spread in front of him in a pile on his left. “Did I wake you?”
“How could you have? I woke up myself and thought it was daylight, took one glance outside, realized it was the middle of the night. Then I realized you weren’t beside me as you always are and just had to investigate.” Sirius drew closer until he stood right behind Remus, hands coming to rest on Remus’s shoulders, giving him a reassuring squeeze. “What’s got you up at this hour instead of in bed with your wonderful husband?”
Remus rolled his eyes as he leaned his head back against Sirius, practically purring as Sirius’s fingers threaded through Remus’s stringy hair. “Rem, what are you working on?”
“It’s not of any interest, I promise.”
“Really? Then why did you sneak down in here in the middle of the night for it? Doesn’t that seem like something that may be concerning?”
Remus flushed bright red, voice catching when he tried to speak. He ended up stuttering under his words, hardly able to say anything. Eventually he clamped his mouth shut tightly and hung his head, pulling away from Sirius’s soft grasp with a shake of his shoulders.
Concern rose inside Sirius as he walked around in front of Remus and reached down for one of his books. Remus’s hand immediately reached out to grasp it only for Sirius to pull it back. He stared at Remus until the hand slowly retracted the entire way. Remus began to fidget in his seat, hands wrung together as he looked away from Sirius.
Sirius dropped his gaze to the books in front of him, fingers skimming over the title. Dark Creatures And How To Defeat Them. That was a title that he wasn’t familiar with, certainly wasn’t something he had read about during his time at Hogwarts. It was from an author he didn’t recognize either, and the picture on the front of a wizard squaring off with a dark shadow sent a shiver down his spine. It didn’t take an expert to realize what was going on.
Still, Remus reached out for another book that was already open to a section about werewolves. He did a quick skim of the page, where it described in detail how to kill one if it was found. He closed the book with a shudder as he looked back to Remus, who’s gaze was dropped to his lap and tears were beginning to form in the corners of his eyes.
“Moony, what is this,” Sirius questioned as he pulled the Dark Creatures book closer and started to flip through the pages hurriedly.
“Padfoot, please.” Remus took the book from Sirius and closed it before setting it aside. His amber eyes shone as he looked to Sirius as a single tear rolled down his cheek. “I’m just doing some research, I promise.”
“Then why are all these articles and books about how to kill you? Rem, you told me that you’d tell me when you’re feeling this way. Why would you keep this from me?”
“It’s not what it looks like, I swear,” Remus protested desperately.
Sirius lifted both hands and drew them over his face with a loud sigh. “Then tell me what this is really about? Because it seems pretty fucking clear you’re looking for a way to take yourself away from me.”
“No!” Remus’s voice rose to a desperate pitch. He tried to reach out to grab Sirius’s hands, but Sirius drew back just out of reach. Tightness gripped at his heart at how Sirius didn’t want to touch him. Part of him wanted to storm out of the living room and try and forget this had ever happened. However, he knew how stubborn Sirius could be and there was no way that he would let this go without saying something. “I promise that’s not what this is!”
“Then fucking tell me!” Sirius slammed both open palms onto the table, causing Remus to jump. “Rem, please.”
Remus hiccuped as he started to cry harder. He then reached under another book to his right for a piece of parchment. He slid it over to Sirius, back of his left hand coming up to rub his nose harshly.
Sirius took the offered parchment and leaned over to read it. He skimmed over the paragraph quickly, and then reread it to make sure that he’d read it correctly. Once he had, tears began to spill from his own eyes as he looked at Remus. The werewolf sniffed hard, struggling to even think about looking at Sirius.
“Remus.” Sirius took in a deep breath before continuing. “Remus, is this is what you’ve been doing? Honey, please look at me.”
Remus reluctantly did as Sirius asked. He sallowed thickly when he saw how much Sirius was crying. “I-I know how much you wanted a child and we can’t adopt be-because of me. I wanted to find a way for them to let us. There was to be a cure in one of these. There has to be!”
Sirius suddenly launched himself forward and wrapped his arms around Remus tightly. He hugged him so close that he could hear Remus’s heartbeat in his ears, feel their skin pressed together. Sirius cried along with Remus, though Remus wasn’t quite sure why Sirius was crying. He hadn’t meant to cause this. This was precisely the reason that he had done this research when Sirius was sleeping so he didn’t have to know.
“Remus John Lupin. You really thought this is what I want? For you to try some kind of dark magic cure just so that we could have kids,” Sirius asked softly.
Remus shrugged. “I know how much you love Harry, and don’t even tell me you’ve never considered having children of your own, because I know you have. You can’t with me, and I know you’ve said you’re fine with that, but I just thought that I could find a way for it to happen.” Remus lifted his arm in full view of himself, nails of his opposite hand coming to claw at his skin. “I just need to get this out of me!”
Sirius reached down and took Remus’s wrist in his own hand, lightly setting it down so that Remus couldn’t harm himself. He then dropped to his knees and looked at Remus with watery eyes. “There is nothing wrong with you. I love you, Wolf and all.”
“You’re just saying that,” Remus argued with a shake of his head.
“Hey, don’t you back down on me now. I love every part of you, and I don’t need you to change just because I once had a thought about having children.” Sirius wiped his eyes with the back of his hand swiftly, though tears continued to fall. “I want you and that is all. You are my everything, Remus, and no child would be worth not having you beside me. Besides, we have Harry that we can watch and care for and give him back to his parents when we’ve had enough. It’s the best of both worlds, wouldn’t you say?”
Remus still didn’t seem convinced. If anything he looked even further detached than he had been prior. Sirius wished that he could show the man in front of him just how much he cared for him. He felt as though he could talk until he was blue in the face, and yet that still wouldn’t convince him. Remus’s self-esteem had been a struggle since the very beginning of their relationship. If it took Sirius reminding him each and everyday, then that is what he would do. Remus was his everything, and he needed the other man to know that.
“I love you. I don’t want you even thinking about going through with any of this.” Sirius motioned to the half dozen books still on the table. “This is dark magic, Remus.”
“And I’m a dark creature.”
“Says who? Huh? Sure, werewolves may be called dark creatures, but I know you and you aren’t one. You’ve never hurt anyone when you’re Moony, especially when you have the rest of us around. You have more control than you think you do.” Sirius rubbed Remus’s knee, fingers kneading deep into the tight muscles until Remus finally looked down to him. “What can I do?”
Remus tipped his had to the side. “What can you do?”
“Yes, what can I do to prove to you that I mean what I said?”
Remus blanched. “Uh….I-I-I…..”
Sirius rose to his feet so now he was towering slightly over Remus. He bent down and kissed Remus softly, lips barely brushing that sensitive skin. “What can I do to prove my love for you and you only?”
Remus felt the warmth of Sirius’s breath on his skin, saw the affection deep in his gaze. There was no questioning just how much Sirius cared for him. Remus felt that love each and everyday, though his brain sometimes still didn’t believe what he felt. How could someone like Sirius Black fall in love with a dark creature such as himself?
Sirius pressed another kiss to Remus’s lips, this time a deeper one. Remus arched his neck back with Sirius’s hands finding their way on the back of his head. Remus only broke it off when he could no longer breath, head slumping forward against Sirius’s shoulder.
“Please promise me you’ll push these thoughts from your head, get rid of these awful books, and come back to me. I need you, just the way you are, and I would never forgive myself if you did something thinking that it would be to my benefit.” Sirius kissed the side of Remus’s face, as it was the only thing he could reach. His eyes closed in comfort as he reveled in the feel of Remus’s weight on him.
That was a tall ask, and Sirius knew it. It wasn’t something that would happen overnight, both of them were sure of that, though perhaps they could be eased into it. Sirius would do whatever it took to prove to Remus that he was the most important thing in his life, and to hell with anyone that wanted to say otherwise.
“I think we should head back to bed,” Sirius whispered. “And deal with all this material in the morning. Does that sound alright?”
Remus nodded slowly.
Sirius smiled as Remus lifted his head from his shoulder while Sirius stood to his full height and reached out his hand for Remus to take. Face screwed in concentration, Remus took Sirius’s offered hand and winced as Sirius gave a small pull to help him up. Remus’s ankle twisted as he took his first step, Sirius quick to rest a hand on Remus’s chest to stop him from falling. Remus blinked his eyes gratefully at Sirius, an apology already on his lips.
“Nothing to be sorry for,” Sirius interrupted as he wrapped an arm around Remus’s waist to take some of his weight easier. “Just another excuse I have to hold you.”
“Is that so? Maybe we’ll have to meet like this more often?”
Sirius kissed the inner part of Remus’s neck, practically beaming as Remus giggled in delight. He didn’t want to take things too far by accidentally causing his partner to fall. So, Sirius adjusted his grip and pressed forward with Remus doing the same. It was slow going, but Sirius didn’t mind in the slightest. Any moment he spent with Remus was worthwhile, even if it was when Remus struggled to do things for himself.
When they finally made it back into the bedroom, Remus pulled away from Sirius and insisted on doing the last bit by himself. Sirius was close by in case he tripped, though he was relieved when Remus took easy steps, arms stretched out in case he did stumble and he had to catch himself. Each step was calculated, determined, until he finally made it to the bed and slumped forward, letting out a breath of relief that he actually made it.
“Now that is an angle I’ll never miss seeing,” Sirius teased as he squeezed Remus’s ass fondly.
Remus wriggled out of Sirius’s grip until he was finally laying on his back on the bed, chest heaving with the effort. Never did he think that there would come a time when it would be so exhausting to get into bed, yet here he was. He also hadn’t imagined to be going to bed with Sirius, yet there he was, and he wouldn’t change that for the world.
Sirius crawled over Remus to his own side of the bed and plopped down noisily. He then snuggled up against Remus, chin rested on his shoulder as he kissed Remus’s warm skin softly. “I love you, Remus.”
“I love you too,” Remus whispered as he kissed Sirius on the head.
“Promise me you’re done with all that dark magic shite. I need you here with me. You, Remus, not a child….you. Are you hearing me?”
Remus closed his eyes, breathing deeply as he played that over and over in his head. Sirius cared about him, not what he could give him, just him the way that he was. Just because he never thought it was possible, didn’t mean that it wasn’t unfolding right in front of his eyes.
“I hear you, Sirius.”
“Good, because I’m going to keep saying it until you believe me, and I have a whole lifetime to do so.”