Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Since the dawn of time, there have been two kingdoms: the humans of Zaron, and the drow elves of Larnion. While there’s currently a truce, all is constantly in a state of tension, and sometimes it feels as though the smallest slight might cause the fragile peace between them to crumble. There is plenty of animosity to be had between the rival leaders of the lands, and this results in regular petty border skirmishes and the occasional larger battle fought over important artifacts like The Stick of Truth and The Console Wars.

The last battle was bitterly fought, and it took a long while for them to work up the courage to once again take up the mantle of fantasy warriors. In fact, this is the first day of full play for them in costume, following a long sequence of negotiations from all parties.

As always, the rules of conduct for this game are simple:

1. No cheating - if you’re defeated in battle, you’re defeated.
2. Only one health potion per turn
3. Twitter is known as the Carrier Raven
4. No playing during school or at other neutral spaces/events
   You can reply via Carrier Raven outside of game hours, just don’t be weird/a dick about it

This leads us to the main protagonists of our story, Stan Marsh and Kenny McCormick, as well as their best friends Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman. In a short while they will be Ranger Marshwalker, Princess Kenny, the High Jew Elf King, and the Grand Wizard King respectively, but right now they’re just a group of friends laughing at Stan’s most recent Twitter message.

Ranger Marshwalker | @stantheman:
Who here watches my favorite childhood show Bob l'éponge?

“What the fuck is Bob l'éponge?” Kenny asks, nose scrunching a bit as he looks over Stan’s shoulder at his phone.

“Bob l'éponge? More like I’ll Bob l'éponge you in the nuts,” Cartman shoots back, distaste evident before he starts laughing at his own joke. Kenny laughs and high fives him, while Kyle tries to stifle his own laugh.

“Are you trying to say Spongebob Squarepants?” Kyle asks, trying to compose himself.

It takes a second for Stan to reply, and he embarrassedly drags a hand over his face, words slightly muffled by his hand. “I just thought it sounded more sophisticated for the game that way, I don’t know.”

This causes another bout of raucous laughter from his friends, until Kenny whips his phone out from his pocket with one hand and tries to gesture at them to quiet them down with the other.

“Wait, wait guys. I got this,” he says, typing out a response on his phone. “Okay, there.”

In a moment Stan’s phone beeps to let him know. Everyone takes out their phone to take a look.

Princess Kenny | @KMcCormick:
Dear Ranger Marshwalker,

Rival kingdoms though we are in both politics and apparently language(????), it seems that Spongebob Squarepants is an experience that unites us all.

I personally find the show incredibly hilarious.

Sincerely,
Princess Kenny

“Kenny, why the fuck do you have to write like a fag every time?” Cartman quips.

“It’s part of my character,” Kenny shoots back, mildly offended. “You do it, too.”

“But worse,” Kyle helpfully (cheerfully) adds.

“Ay, fuck you, Kahl!” Cartman says, turning to get up in Kyle’s face, pointing a chubby finger towards his chest. “You don’t do any better.”

“At least I can spell,” Kyle hisses back, eyes narrowing. “I think you need another few years to catch up, fat boy.”

“I can spell perfectly fine, Jew!”

“You spell it J-O-O!”

“That’s how it’s spelled!”

By this point they are quite literally inches apart, but they’re broken apart by Kenny laughing his ass off. He is wheezing, there are tears. He’s collapsed to the snowy ground holding his phone. Stan is trying to ask him what happened, and Kenny can’t respond. He only highlights one word and before Stan can ask about it, Eric is snagging the phone out of his friend’s hand to read it.

And he reads it again, and again, and again.

At this point Stan doesn’t know what’s happening, but then Eric looks him right in the eyes, brown and blue to two blue, and says very seriously, “Stan, you’re gay.”

This causes Kenny to laugh harder and reach up for his phone, which Eric drops unceremoniously in his lap.

“What do you mean, ‘I’m gay’?” Stan asks in a slight bit of panic.

Kyle stares at his own phone, reading it, and then says, “Stan, you ended your letter with ‘Love, Ranger Stanley Marshwalker’.”

Ranger Marshwalker | @stantheman:
Dearest Princess Kenneth J. McCormick,

Thank you. I am happy to hear you find joy and fondness in Bob l'éponge. Even though we fight for opposite sides, I’m glad we can agree on at least one thing: That Bob l'éponge was an excellent show.

Love,
Ranger Stanley Marshwalker

“Aw shit. Okay, lemme fix it. Maybe nobody noticed,” Stan says, face burning like someone just poured a pot of boiling water over his head. But then there’s a dreaded ‘beep’ of a notification.

Princess Kenny | @KMcCormick:
Ranger Stanley,

I must say that your last letter has caught me rather off guard. Not only was it surprisingly kind for one of your station, but the declaration at the end had my cheeks burning and mind racing.

Could this be the start of our own Romeo and Juliet?

Yours,
Princess Kenny

“Kenny, why are you like this?” Cartman asks, rolling his eyes, before mumbling half-heartedly, “fuckin’ whore.”

This isn’t the first time Kenny’s flirted with someone as Princess Kenny, and it likely won’t be the last. But somehow he knows that this is going to be A Problem, what with the two of them being from rival kingdoms. He catches Kyle’s eye, and they share a look, silently acknowledging that they’ll have to see where this goes.

Stan looks over at Kenny, who’s mostly recovered and wiping a few tears from his eyes with his glove. When Kenny looks up at him, they make eye contact for a long moment before Kenny’s eyes scrunch up like they do when he grins earnestly, and he gives a little giggle. Stan gives a resigned chuckle of his own in return at that. Without speaking, they’ve made the decision that okay, this is a thing that’s happening, I guess.

Stan helps Kenny off the ground, and the four of them keep walking home. When Stan gets home, he immediately sends another letter through Carrier Raven before getting dressed in his costume.

Ranger Marshwalker | @stantheman:
Dearest Princess Kenny,

I have taken some time to reflect on your letter. It has made my heart flutter with absolute joy at your words. Perhaps our hearts could connect on the deepest levels; my feelings towards you are more than to any friend I could have. (1/2)

Ranger Marshwalker | @stantheman:
Startling you with my words is cute - perhaps adorable. I could never turn down a request from a princess like you. Perhaps this may well be the start of the Juliet to my Romeo.

Deepest love and shared sympathy,
Ranger Stanley (2/2)

Kenny is in his room, back flat against the door before he dares to open up the response he got. As expected, it’s truly magnificent, and very, very hilarious. He takes a deep breath and then goes to get his costume from a hidden panel behind the wall in his closet. He then busies himself with getting ready to head to Cartman’s house - er, the Kingdom of Kupa Keep.

Kenny’s always the most into their games, and once he dons the costume, she is very in character as the soft and adorable, but always secretly scheming, Princess Kenny. Being in costume makes it an easier time to type out a genuine response than she would have had if she was just Kenny.

Princess Kenny | @KMcCormick:
Ranger Stanley,

My love, if only you understood how much this meant to me. I’ve been searching for a genuine connection for so long, but it’s been difficult in my position. Either folks are intimidated by my power and beauty, or they’re simply Too Homo to pay me any mind. (1/3)

Princess Kenny | @KMcCormick:
If it behooves you, I would deign to meet you under the cover of late afternoon, when most folks are starting to go home and change before dinner. Then we may safely meet and truly get to know one another.

We could simply talk to start, of course. (2/3)

Princess Kenny | @KMcCormick:
I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep my eyes off you in class tomorrow, even if that time is forbidden for us to play and therefore I’d be but a hollow shell of myself.

I am very giddy just thinking about the possibilities of us.

Hugs and Kisses,
Princess Kenny (3/3)

Stan feels his face heating up a little as he reads it. Kenny has a weird way with words, even if he doesn’t know what some of them mean. Speaking of, as he’s leaving the house, he calls out:

“Hey mom, what does ‘behooves’ mean?”

Sharon sticks her head out from the kitchen, thoughtful. “I’m not sure, Stanley, but I think it means something like ‘suitable’ or ‘appropriate’ depending on the context?”

Stan hums in response. “And ‘deign’?”

“Dane? Like the dog breed?”

“No, old-timey deign, like d-e-i-g-n.”

“Oh! Um. ‘Do something’ maybe? I’m not sure.” Sharon beckons Stan into the kitchen, and he walks over to her where she’s sitting down at the table with a cup of tea. “Why do you ask?”

“Kenny wrote a letter to me for our game and he used a lot of words I don’t recognize,” Stan admits, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Oh, well, can you tell me the context so I can help you figure it out?”

Stan immediately regrets bringing it up, because how on earth would he begin to explain what any of the context was for any of this? Jesus tapdancing Christ. He decides to stick with the one sentence. “If it behooves you, I would deign to meet you under the cover of late afternoon, when most folks are starting to go home and change before dinner.” There, that doesn’t seem too weird, right?

Sharon looks impressed. “Little Kenny wrote that? Good for him.” She smiles. “Well, it sounds like he wants to meet with you later today if it’s okay with you and not too inconvenient.”

Stan lets out a relieved breath. “Thanks, mom. That helped a lot.”

She reaches over to tug at his sleeve, pulling him in close enough to kiss his cheek. Stan wrinkles his nose reflexively in response, but doesn’t fight her because no one’s around to see. “Okay, I love you, Stan. Have fun and stay safe.”

“I will mom, thanks.” As he’s going to leave, he awkwardly pauses by the doorway to the kitchen. “Hey mom?”

“Hmm?”

“...Can you quickly give me a summary of Romeo and Juliet?”

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Super Best Friends Kingdom of Kupa Keep, Cartman is busy getting ready for his subjects to arrive. He’s tentatively optimistic that this stupid thing with Ken - …Princess Kenny and Ranger Marshwalker will blow over with nothing coming of it, but that didn’t stop the sense of growing unease. Joke or not, during play hours or not, they were still both fraternizing with the enemy.

He finds himself pacing back and forth by the glass doors in the kitchen while his mother prepares a snack, trying to ignore the fact his Personal Inventory Device feels like it’s burning a hole in the pocket of his robe. Eventually he can’t stand it anymore, and he pulls it out to check if there’s been any further intercepted Carrier Raven correspondence.

Unfortunately, there has been.

The Grand Wizard King’s face scrunches up in disgust as he reads the very-obviously-supposed-to-be-private messages between Princess Kenny and Ranger Marshwalker. Somehow it got even worse than before, and they’re going to meet this afternoon. It occurs to him that he should maybe spy on them both to make sure no secrets are leaked in a moment of passion between the lovers.

He’s learned his lesson after last time - Princess Kenny is royalty, and she’s a conniving bitch. He can’t trust her farther than he can throw her, and it’s a good idea to stay off of her shit list. Unfortunately.

Another message is addressed to him directly, and it’s from Clyde:

Clyde Donovan | @tacosfordays
@KingCartman Heya, I'm just asking if you want a certain warrior back in Kupa Keep

The Grand Wizard frowns at that, and thinks. Then he types out a very calm and rational response to this request.

Grand Wizard King | @KingCartman
Oh no. no no no. You think you can just waltz right back into my kingdom like you didnt totally gyp us of our dignity? Get the fuck out of here Clyde! You’ve betrayed me! TWICE!!

Grand Wizard King | @KingCartman
Who the fuck do you even think you are, thinking you can come back as though I haven’t had to pay the price for all your bullcrap!! fuck you!

He’s ready to put this whole thing to bed when his phone beeps - the notification even sounds traitorous. Honestly, he stopped giving a shit a while ago, but given the context that they’re playing fantasy again, he can’t just let that kind of behavior slide. Else, how would he maintain control over his kingdom? People would be lining up to betray him left and right!

Clyde Donovan | @tacosfordays
Oh come on, i can at least redeem myself by helping the other warriors can’t i?

Help them how? By giving them a personal lesson in how to be a shit nugget?

Grand Wizard King | @KingCartman
Oh suck my BALLS, ive had it up to HERE with you. If I see you near me while were playing I’m TOTALLY gonna cast Arcane Fire on you.

Grand Wizard King | @KingCartman
You totally deserved what happened, you know?? And now your giving me lip for no reason!! This is HAREASSMENT. Do you wanna harrass me Clyde? Do you?! Go to jail and see if i care.

An immediate response. Again. ‘What the hell, is he seriously sitting on his phone waiting for me to reply? Does he have nothing better to do?’ Cartman may have missed the irony in that thought process.

Clyde Donovan | @tacosfordays
That hurts a lot.

*sigh* Well, consider urself fucked then.

As much as he doesn’t like letting anyone get the last word, the doorbell rings and it’s showtime. He doffs his hat for a moment to fix his hair and returns his hat to his head. He then takes a moment to straighten out his robe and spine to try and radiate the power befitting of a king.

“Mam, can you get the door?” An awkward pause when he hears no response, so he adds a “Please?”

“Sure thing, hon!” Liane tells him, and he sighs and opens the sliding glass door to head into his castle. He’s most of the way there when there’s a soft click clack of hard-soled shoes followed by a soft body pressed against his back and a pair of hands covering his face. Eric freezes in place, baffled into silence by the gall of whoever decided to be this much of an idiot.

“Guess who~?” chirps a falsetto he hasn’t heard in a while, and Cartman rolls his eyes at the sound while reaching up to remove Kenny’s white gloved hands from his face. He turns around to look at the princess, who has a bit of a pout on her face. “You didn’t guess.”

“If anyone else did that, they’d die,” the older boy points out dryly. He then clears his throat and steps back to take a look at her. She’s still wearing the old costume, but Kenny had a small growth spurt since, so the hem no longer sits directly on the ground, but just above it instead. If the princess slouched at all, it would be rubbing in the dirt again.

Otherwise, she’s made a couple alterations to it - it looks stronger and a bit better quality. The wig looks a little better. Otherwise, there’s the same mary janes, likely the same knee-high pink socks, and the same intensely violet contacts that Kenny wears as both a girl and as his superhero persona Mysterion.

Kenny pokes him in the cheek, and he blinks back to reality. “What was that for?” he snaps, batting Kenny’s hand away.

She puts her hands on her hips, and it’s so weird how she nails the female body language. Has she been practicing more? Or worse - is she still playing at being a Japanese princess? Christ.

“You’re staring, Eric,” Kenny says, squinting suspiciously. But then a mischievous grin curls behind the bottom of her hood that Cartman can only see because of the way Kenny’s eyes always smile too, the corners crinkling. “Does this mean you really do think I’m the fairest maiden in all the land?”

“You’re the only maiden in all the land,” comes the deadpan response.

“Those things can both be true.”

“...Uh huh.” He sounds unconvinced.

Cartman turns to continue walking, making his way inside the makeshift castle. It’s a little sturdier this time; every time they do this, they all get a little better at constructing everything they need to play their games - especially since Stan’s stint as Toolshed. He takes a seat in his throne, except this time there’s another throne next to his for the princess. Again, learning from past mistakes.

“So… Princess Kenny,” he starts, “what brings you here so… early?”

“Getting right to business, are we?”

“Well, it is suspicious. I know you normally like to take your time getting ready. And there have been… rumors.”

“Rumors?” A quirked eyebrow, her tone inflecting upwards to match.

“GRAND WIZARD!” Comes a cry from across the courtyard, the glass door sliding open and then shut. The two royals watch as their Paladin comes running up, “I BRING NEWS ABOUT THE PRINCESS!”

He makes it up to them before he realizes that said princess is currently there. He looks startled, cheeks burning. “Princess! I, um - I didn’t mean -”

Kenny holds her hand up to gently shush him, and Butters drops to a knee, bowing his head respectfully. It makes Kenny glow to have such attention paid to her. “Rise, brave paladin. And please, let me know of this news.”

Paladin Butters bumps his knuckles together in his usual nervous habit, his yellow-dyed hide gauntlets likely protecting the skin from further abuse. “Uh, well, you see, princess -”

“Out with it, Butters,” The Grand Wizard King says, enunciating carefully to show he’s not pleased to be ignored.

“Right! Yes, sir, Grand Wizard, sir!” Butters says, saluting. “You see, we’ve intercepted a Carrier Raven, your majesty. It seems as though our princess may be infatuated with…” A dramatic pause, “Ranger Marshwalker of Larnion.”

Under normal circumstances both Kenny and Eric would have probably laughed until they cried, but in the game everything was different. Here, Eric was gritting his teeth and Kenny sat up a little straighter, suddenly feeling a cold sting of fear. She tries not to let it show.

“What say you, princess?” Cartman asks, turning in his seat a bit to be able to look at her better.

There’s a long pause where Kenny chews on her lip, saying nothing. The silence that stretches on is damning.

“Princess Kenny?” Butters asks, voice cracking a little. “It can’t be true, your majesty. Right? You need to say something.”

Kenny’s gaze is somewhere off to the side, and after a soft sigh, she looks back at the two boys. What they see in her eyes now is firm determination, no hint of regret. “It’s true. I’ve been corresponding with Ranger Stanley.” But then she looks at Butters and softens into something almost apologetic.

“Princess Kenny,” Cartman says, “you’re betraying your kingdom.”

“I haven’t been alone with him, and the last time we were on the same side was the great Console Wars,” Kenny points out coldly. “I haven’t given away any of our secrets. You can see exactly what we spoke about.”

“But we can’t prove that.”

Kenny rolls her eyes, unlocking her Personal Inventory Device and holding it out to their resident Paladin. She could have given it to The Grand Wizard, but she didn’t fully trust him. “If you would, kind Paladin?”

Butters looks taken aback, but takes it and tries to see if he can find anything through the Carrier Raven to incriminate her. As he does, Craig, Tweek, and Tolkien make their way to them - they were likely all hanging out together and helping each other out with their costumes. If that was the case, it explained why Clyde was messaging Cartman to be let back in.

“Why does it feel like we’re attending another funeral?” Craig jokes as they reach where Butters is standing.

“Gah! Craig, don’t say that. What if we are?” Tweek hisses, fidgeting with his sash to avoid fidgeting in other ways that may ruin the body paint he and his friends so carefully applied.

“Wizard King,” Tolkien greets, projecting his voice and bowing slightly. He often leaves out the ‘Grand’ part of the title. “Princess Kenny, and Paladin Butters. Greetings.” He looks at each of them politely when greeting them.

“Ah, Prince Tolkien. Tweek. Feldspar. How nice of you to join us. …So, what, are we just waiting for Scott Malkinson now?” The Grand Wizard’s voice is cordial enough, but a little tight. His eyes barely leave Butters.

“Okay, this is really weird,” Feldspar announces now that he’s in character, his voice flat, “what’s happening?”

“We’re determining if our Princess is a dirty, no-good traitor,” Paladin Butters says, turning to give the new arrivals a strained, almost apologetic attempt as a smile. He then passes Princess Kenny’s phone back to her. “And well, uh - it seems she’s telling the truth.”

“I have nothing to hide,” Kenny says, putting the phone in the pocket of her dress. Sitting up straight, knees together, legs tilted modestly, with her hands folded on her lap, she looks like she was born to sit upon a throne.

“Maybe you should have hidden a few things,” Butters mumbled to himself, considering he had to search through Kenny’s DMs.

“So, um,” Tweek asks, reaching up to tug on a lock of hair now. “What’s this all about, anyway?”

“I’ve been caught fraternizing with the enemy,” Kenny says airily, waving a hand as though to disperse the words in the air as though they were a trail of smoke. “Sir Stan was funny and charming, so I’ve been talking with him and everyone’s blowing it way out of proportion.” A slight narrowing of her eyes at Butters in particular follows her statement.

“Now see here,” Butters starts to assert, before deflating slightly at the realization of who he’s talking to, “m-my lady. What were we supposed to think when it says you want to meet with him?”

“You’re going to meet with him,” Tolkien echoes slowly.

“Why are you all so invested in my love life, suddenly?” Kenny says, cheeks flushed and now starting to sound defensive.

“Love life? Heh, that sounds pretty -” Feldspar stops himself part-way through the ‘gay’ joke when he looks at Kenny. Right. “Hetero,” comes the awkward, tacked-on comment.

Cartman reaches up and pinches the bridge of his nose, muttering under his breath about how fucking lame everyone’s being, before clearing his throat. “Look, we need to have everyone read the Carrier Raven messages so we can put this to a vote. Should Princess Kenny be able to continue her weird affair with the enemy -”

“With Ranger Stanley,” Kenny interjects.

A frustrated sigh. “Should Princess Kenny be able to continue her weird affair with Ranger Stanley, yes or no?”

There’s several moments of silence as the members of Kupa Keep, sans Scott Malkinson, are reading the earlier conversation between Kenny and Stan.

There’s a little bit of sniggering, but not as much as expected. Butters, who had already read it, looks to Kenny. He shrugs a shoulder lightly and gives a shy smile. “I thought it was beautiful,” he says. “You sure have a way with words, Princess.”

“Shut up, Butters,” Their King comments. He feels like he’s surrounded by gaywads. “Alright, let’s do the damn vote already. All those in favor of Princess Kenny having to break it off?”

Kenny merely returns Butters’ smile until the vote shows it’s unanimous. The smile falls, because what the fuck? “Dude.” It’s said without the falsetto and with a hint of accusation.

“Alright, everyone, that settles it. Princess Kenny, at your meeting with Ranger Stanley Marshwalker this afternoon you’re to break off your little affair. I know this may be hard for you but,” Cartman continues, putting his hand on Kenny’s where it’s tightly gripping the edge of the arm of her throne, “know we’ll be here for you in this trying time.”

Kenny regards him with disgust, pulling her hand away and slumping slightly in her seat. “Fuck you, Eric.”

“You’ll come around in time, princess,” comes the cryptic response.

At that moment, Scott Malkinson finally decides to join them, adjusting his cape. “Hey guys, what did I miss?”

Kenny - both as the princess and himself - has the distinct feeling that it’s going to be a long fucking day.

Chapter Text

Larnion was awash with color when Ranger Marshwalker arrived. Colored banners hang from the trees and flower petals line the pathways, disrupting the natural beauty of their forest home as much as complimenting it. Everywhere there was something new, bringing attention to things that had been so familiar that they were appreciable but stale. Stan hadn’t been aware that all of this was being put together, so seeing everyone in Larnion together and filled with joy was a welcome sight that squeezed his heart a little.

The High Jew Elf King stands at his throne once he catches a glimpse of Ranger Marshwalker, holding up a plastic crystal goblet high to gather everyone’s attention.

“Friends,” he starts once everyone is paying attention, “I’ve put together this celebration to welcome you all back home. May we continue this era of peace and prosperity within Larnion and beyond!”

Everyone cheers at that, the small crowd going wild with the thought of revelry. Kyle watches with a grin, letting everyone have a moment before he gestures for everyone to calm down with his free hand. “And with that - let the feast begin! There are plates, napkins, cups, and cutlery available.”

Said feast was set up on a table near the throne, and everyone was invited to attend. There were all sorts of snacks - some savory, some sweet - along with pitchers of water and punch, and a batch of cupcakes. The Queen Mother (Sheila) was rather accommodating in putting all of this together, Stan would learn later.

While heading over to the table, greetings are offered to longstanding comrades-in-arms, healers, and scholars. The next little while is a blur of feasting, games, and song, but he can’t help but think that something’s… off. Maybe it’s the way that Kyle keeps looking over to him, expression edging on unreadable. Eventually there’s a hand on his upper back, the King leaning over to ask if he can talk to him privately. It was a little alarming, but Stan had full faith in Kyle and followed without question, to where they are now.

In reality, Stan watches Kyle pace back and forth along the grass in the Broflovskis’ side yard, but in their imaginations, both Ranger Marshwalker and his King are currently in a secluded part of the elven forest, far away from their kin. It’s here that Kyle is hoping to privately discuss the Princess Kenny situation to avoid a scandal. He ceases his movements and looks Stan in the eyes.

“Thank you for coming, Sir Stan, there’s something important we need to discuss.”

Stan tips his head to the side slightly, and he suddenly has a not-so-good feeling regarding the contents of this meeting. “Of course,” he says, as a way of asking Kyle to continue.

“I’ve been informed privately by a concerned member of our faction that you’ve been involved in something… ill-advised.” The words are chosen delicately.

Ah, now he knows what this is about. “Really? Tell me what you’ve learned.”

Kyle takes a breath and seems to steel himself. “An intercepted Carrier Raven shows you’ve developed feelings for Princess Kenny of Zaron.” The High Jew Elf King places a hand on his chin and begins to pace once more. “I don’t get it, Sir Stan, what possessed you to do such a thing?”

“My liege,” Stan says, knowing full well this is a stupid way to approach this, “don’t tell me you’ve never felt the rush of love.”

“Of course I have,” Kyle snaps back, slightly defensive. “But I’ve also never fallen for the enemy. Of anyone you possibly could have -”

“She’s sweet and funny and shares my love for Bob l'éponge ,” Ranger Marshwalker says, crossing his arms over his chest. “Besides, you forget that we were allies once. I may know her better than anyone.”

“That’s part of the problem!” Kyle stops his pacing to take a breath before looking at his friend and second-in-command. “Don’t you see, Stan? If you keep going down this path, you could potentially spell doom for us all. You need to break it off with her - for the good of Larnion.”

“But you don’t know that anything bad will happen. Perhaps this is what we need. This could be the bridge between our Kingdoms,” The ranger tries to plead his case, but Kyle will have none of it. He bangs the handle of his golf club on the ground, straightening his back and pushing out his chest in a show of firm authority. Stan’s lips pull tight, and he falls into silence.

“You know as well as I that there will never be true peace as long as The Grand Wizard continues to walk the earth. Surely your good judgment can’t be that impaired by the thought of that treacherous woman that you would forget that.”

“Kyle -” Stan starts, voice starting to hold the edge of a threat to it.

“Look, man, I know you’re going to see her later. All I’m asking for is for you to do the right thing before this becomes more difficult. I need you to understand what’s at stake here.”

Stan sighs, shoving his hands into his pockets and scuffing a bit of the snow with his boot. “Okay.”

Kyle looks visibly relieved at that. As he goes to walk past Stan, he pauses next to him briefly, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Thanks. I know this is hard for you.” He squeezes lightly and then lets go to resume walking away, presumably to do a sweep of the grounds and continue mingling. Stan watches him go, an unreadable expression on his face.

The fingers in his pocket are crossed.

Ranger Marshwalker is sent out on a minor quest close to an hour later - the first one they’d received so far for the game. Stan looks over the piece of printer paper that was stained with tea, edges lightly burned to make it look like old, weathered parchment. One of the adults had supposedly lost a set of spare keys on the walking path next to Kyle’s house - the one that goes to the park - and he was to go look for them. The thought was that he’d be done just before five o’clock and could go to meet Princess Kenny afterwards. Being as it was a set of spare keys, it wasn’t supremely urgent. Hence, minor quest.

 Upon reaching his destination, he starts scanning the path for any breaks in the snow that could be concealing them. He’s so engrossed in his task that he almost doesn’t notice the sound of approaching footsteps.

“...Sir Stan?”

Stan looks up in confusion, before his eyes settle on Princess Kenny. She looks as startled as he is to find out they’re both in the same place before their scheduled meeting.

“Princess Kenny,” he breathes out in greeting, removing his helmet to press it respectfully against his chest. The action is a touch awkward and fumbled, but his heart’s in the right place. Stan’s amused to see the princess seemingly flustered by the action, and isn’t able to stop the slow smile that spreads over his face at the realization. “My lady, to what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing,” she says, smoothing out her dress. It seemed to be an idle action, but Stan knew his friend was trying to get her bearings.

While she does that, Stan suddenly remembers something. “Before that, I have something for you,” he says, putting his helmet back on so he can reach for a cloth pouch that’s attached to his belt.

“Oh?” She says, clearly intrigued.

After a moment Stan frees the pouch, walking up to the princess and grabbing one of her hands to gently press the gift into. He curls her fingers around it gently, before taking his hands back in embarrassment.

“...This is for me?” She tilts her head in that way that reminds him of a puppy, her brows slightly furrowed in confusion and voice almost slipping out of the falsetto. Princess Kenny seems to scan his face for any trace of this being a trap or trick of some sort before she opens it, letting out a delighted little sound that Stan almost laughs at because it was so unexpected. Inside the pouch is a number of sweets he pilfered specifically for her.

The line between Princess Kenny and Kenny blurs a little bit as she stares into the bag, before taking a cookie out and taking a bite. When she looks up, her eyes are a little misty. “Thank you.” It surprises Stan when she then slips the pouch into the pocket of her dress(!) without taking anything more from it first. He does enjoy how much she savors the cookie in her possession, though.

“We were having a celebration, and I thought that -” An awkward gesture, before he rubs the back of his neck. “Y’know.”

“You were having a celebration ? With food??” Kenny asks, out of character for a moment as he looks over at the fence surrounding Kyle’s backyard. What the hell? Zaron didn’t get a cool celebration. But then Kenny seems to realize what happened and he clears his throat, bringing the falsetto back. “That sounds wonderful.”

“It was. Well - until I got sent out on a quest.”

“...A quest, huh?” There’s a touch of intrigue in her tone, if not suspicion.

“Yeah, I’m supposed to be finding some guy’s keys.” He holds out the piece of ‘parchment’, startled when Princess Kenny snags it to look at it. She doesn’t take it out of his hand, just pulls it closer for her to inspect, eyes narrowing.

“Ranger Marshwalker,” she says, lowering her voice’s volume - no easy feat with the falsetto, but she tries her best, “don’t look around, act perfectly normal.”

Stan almost does it as a reflex just because she says not to. “What are you talking about?”

“I believe we were set up,” she says, looking up into his dark blue eyes with her intensely violet ones. “I wouldn’t be surprised if someone is watching us right now.”

“Set up? But how - “ And then he thinks about it. Thinks about how Kyle was acting strangely, and how after being told to drop the relationship, he somehow runs into her before he was meant to, and they’re both alone. The gears turn further, until they settle with a satisfying clunk . “You got the same quest.”

She nods in response. “I was demanded unanimously by the Kingdom of Kupa Keep to break up with you before things went South.”

The ranger balks at that bit of information. “I was told by my own King to drop this.”

Kenny’s eyes narrow. “Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Want to drop this?”

He thinks for a moment before shrugging. “No. Fuck ‘em.”

Princess Kenny gives another one of her blinding grins, hidden as it is from the world. “Follow my lead.” She then steps back from him, adopting frustrated body language, arms crossed over her chest. “I can’t believe you,” she says a little louder than she needed to based on their proximity.

At first Stan admittedly doesn’t get it. But then a flash in his mind of Wendy adopting a similar tone and body language hits him, as well as that time Craig and Tweek broke up in front of the school. Ah, alright. “Look, as much as I want this to work, we’re both too different.”

“You mean where we’re from is too different. What happened to our shared love of Bob l'éponge ?” She turns on her heel, catching a glimpse of green above the nearby fence that quickly disappears. ‘Fucker.’

“It was never going to work, Princess Kenny. Imagine if war broke out again - we’d have to be forced to choose. Let’s just forget this ever happened.”

“Ugh, find your own damn keys,” she says, though as she’s storming off something clinks by her shoe and she reaches down to pick them up. “Actually, nevermind, they’re mine now!” She then takes off at a light jog down the road, reaching an arm behind her to flip Stan off.

“Wait!” Stan starts, before groaning and shoving his hands in his pockets. He then kicks at a small snowpile in a mixture of perceived and legitimate annoyance. The implications of all of this is that Cartman and Kyle are working together, which defeats the purpose of them not wanting the imaginary romance in their game. It’s really stupid.

After a moment, Stan’s Personal Inventory Device beeps at him. He takes it out of his pocket to check the notification as he’s walking back to Kyle’s house, smiling slightly at the DM from Kenny.

Private messages with Princess Kenny | @KMcCormick:

PK: Great job, love!
PK: I thought I saw the High Jew Elf King watching us, so hopefully this gets both our kingdoms off our backs for the moment.

RM: It sucks because obviously they’re working together.
RM: I’m about to head in, let me know how it goes on your end.

PK: Good luck.

RM: You too.

Stan walks with renewed purpose back to Larnion, making a bee-line straight to Kyle. Kyle seems a little thrown off by his quick approach. Good.

“Ranger Marshwalker, you’ve returned! With good news, I hope!”

“I perhaps would have if someone had mentioned we weren’t the only ones on the job.”

Kyle looks taken aback and gives a hint of a nervous smile. It would be convincing to most other people, but Stan was not most other people. “What do you mean by that?”

“I mean ,” Stan says, carefully enunciating for emphasis, “that I wasn’t the only person there. Zaron seemed to have also gotten wind of this quest reward.”

“Who did they send?” Kyle asks, brows furrowed as though he doesn’t already know that information.

“The Princess. A little weird that she was sent on such a small quest, isn’t it?” He savors the way that Kyle looks a little uncomfortable, before sighing and shrugging his arms in a dismissive ‘what can do you’ sort of way. “Zaron has the artifact, but the deed is done, your majesty.” A semi-sarcastic bow. “Princess Kenny and I are through.”

“Well, at least one thing went right. Come on, Ranger Marshwalker. The Bard is set to perform to close off the night.”

“Well, how can I say no to that?”

“Princess Kenny!” The Wizard King greets cordially when she returns, standing from his throne. “What news do you bring?”

Kenny curtsies in front of him, holding out the set of keys when she rises. As Cartman goes to grab them, Kenny pulls her hand back to clutch them in front of her chest. “I want ninety-percent.”

“Ninety? Kenny, the reward is ten dollars, you can’t have ninety. You can have thirty.”

“Eighty.”

“You’re breaking my balls here, princess. The absolute highest I can go is fifty. We have my cut, then the KKK fund. We can’t skimp on our infrastructure.”

Princess Kenny lowers her voice. “Seventy-five, and no one has to know about the awesome party in Larnion.”

Cartman stiffens, turning his head to squint suspiciously at the fence where two yards down, the elves are having their revelry. He frowns, turning back to Kenny and gritting out with some effort. “Fine. Seventy-five. But at least tell me -”

Kenny kisses his cheek with gratitude. “It’s done, my king.”

The action has Cartman sputtering indignantly and reaching up to wipe his cheek off. “I hate you, Kenny,” 

She knows.

A Twitter Epilogue Moment:

Wendy | @testafeminist
Heidi, me and you? Girls day at Bebe’s on Saturday? @heiturner

Heidi | @heiturner
Um YES!! That sounds like so much fun! <3

Princess Kenny | @KMcCormick
Can I come? 0:)

Bebe-licious | @HotAssShoes
Sure, why not! It’d probably be fun!

Princess Kenny | @KMcCormick
……Wait, like actually??? :o

Wendy | @testafeminist
Of course! You’re one of the girls now, aren’t you? :)

Princess Kenny | @KMcCormick
<333