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"No... P-please, no, please, I'm begging you, no, no! No!"
His protests fall upon deaf ears. He's gagging before he even feels the hundreds of slimy legs slipping into his ear canal.
Laughter. Manic laughter. Who's laughing? he vaguely wonders, taking several moments to realize the horrific cacophony of deranged giggling is coming from his own throat.
He wants to be erased.
Kaneki woke up, bolting upright, screaming at the top of his lungs. His throat felt raw, and his cheeks were wet with tears he didn't remember crying.
Screams degenerated into numbers he didn't know the origin of.
"N....nine...h-hundred....ninety...three...n-nine....hun....dred....e-eighty....s-six...n-ni-"
Warmth encircled him. Strong, steady arms held his chest tightly, and the next digits shriveled and died in his throat, replaced by a strangled choking sound.
"You're alright, Ken. It's okay. Nobody's hurting you. It was a dream. You're okay."
"Hide." The raven-haired haired boy couldn't stop shaking. His whole body was tense. His heart was trying to beat its way out of his ribcage. He felt sick.
"What color...what color is my hair?"
"Black." Tenderly, Hide's fingers ran through his hair. "Just like it's always been."
Hide didn't fully understand why, but for Kaneki's more recent nightmares, this seemed to calm him down more than almost anything else.
"It's beautiful." He continued to stroke the shaking, sobbing boy's hair, interlacing it with his fingers gently. "Like raven feathers."
Kaneki turned his body to face his. A good sign.
"Do you want music?" Hide was already fumbling for his headphones and phone, sitting on the bedside table.
Kaneki gave a shaky nod. Hide picked up the headphones and placed them over the smaller boy's ears, pressing play on one of his many playlists, titled "for sad neki".
Kaneki slipped into a near-stupor as the song began. He had no idea of the title or band, but the odd combination of the eight-bit tones and the wavelike, immensely relaxing beat soothed him enough that he relaxed fully into Hide's arms.
For a long time, he blocked out the world and everyone and everything in it.
Hide held Kaneki's hands in his own-his hands, warm and tan; Kaneki's, cold, trembling, and with fingernails bitten raw. He wrapped his arms around the gray-eyed boy, cradling, as he always did, his slender, bony frame under his hands. He felt like Kaneki was too fragile, too frail in his arms, like a baby bird with a broken wing. Wondering if perhaps he could feel too many of his ribs, Hide pulled Kaneki closer.
Kaneki continued to stare blankly into the tear-dampened fabric of Hide's shirt long after the playlist ended. He neither moved nor spoke, only gazed emptily.
He tried not to feel; if he felt too much, he'd start crying again, and he didn't want to inconvenience Hide any more than he already was.
Trying didn't work. He felt like throwing up, like he was drowning, like he couldn't breathe, heavy and weak and upset. Against his will, yet another tear rolled down his cheek, and Kaneki felt his boyfriend hold him tighter.
Hide's voice was even, calm, and soothing, one you might use to calm a frightened or injured child. "Do you want to talk about it? If you don't, that's fine, too. I totally understand."
Kaneki was quiet for a long moment, giving no indication that he'd heard Hide's question. Just as the taller boy had assumed that Kaneki didn't want to talk, he began to speak, his voice shaky and weak.
"Remember...remember my last dream?" Hide nodded quickly. "Well, last time he, um, like, kidnapped me or something...Y-Yamori...and...."
Hide couldn't keep anger from creeping into his expression at the mention of the name. Noticing, Kaneki shrunk back, and the golden-haired boy quickly arranged his features into a less intimidating expression. "Sorry. It's not you. Keep going."
"Well-" Kaneki took a shaky gulp of air. "This dream, he, he..." His next words became lodged in his throat. He wanted Hide to know what had happened in the nightmare, but he didn't want to be the one to have to explain it to him.
"Do you need a minute?"
Kaneki nodded quickly, sinking back into Hide's arms, trying to collect his muddled thoughts.
After several minutes of trying, the only thing he could come up with was a strangled, tattered string of words that made little sense.
"My eye, my toes, fingers, my ear...all fucked up. I can....still feel it crawling..." Kaneki's eyes stung with frustrated tears. He tried again.
"He ripped them off. For fun. And the centipede...." He took a shuddering breath, finding the word he was looking for.
"Torture. Yamori tortured me."
Hide understood enough to be able to feel the source of Kaneki's fear and sadness. He pulled him closer, feeling like his heart was breaking. It was so unfair, so awful to see his gentle, shy, kind boyfriend hurt so much because of something that wasn't anywhere near his fault.
First he has to go through the shit he did in real life, and then he has to dream a fucked-up version of it again? What the fuck did he do to deserve that?
Hide didn't know what to say to him. Neither boy did. There were simply no words for the situation.
Finally, Hide sighed gently, "At least..." He sighed again, wistful that this was all the comfort he could offer. "At least that's not what he did. Although I can't say that's any worse than what happened..." Trailing off, he decided to stop talking about the sensitive subject.
Kaneki didn't, however. Lowering his gaze, he fiddled idly with the cords on the discarded headphones. He avoided Hide's eyes, mumbling, "I don't know. In the dream, it was at least a whole day where he, you know, but...." His voice dropped to a barely audible, scratchy whisper. "When he-um. In real life. It hurt more."
The taller boy pressed Kaneki firmly to his chest, mostly to get him to just stop talking. It was enough hearing about what he went through every night; having to hear just what kind of pain Yamori inflicted on Kaneki that day firsthand was downright heartbreaking.
Toying affectionately with a lock of his dark hair, Hide asked, "Is there anything you need? You cold? Hungry? Thirsty? Lonely?"
Kaneki just nodded. Giving a soft sigh, Hide planted a quick, sweet kiss on Kaneki's lips, earning a little blush and hesitant smile from Kaneki.
He lived to see that gentle, sweet smile play across Kaneki's soft, slightly chapped lips. It was all the reward he needed.
Hide stood and grabbed one of his sweatshirts that had been idly tossed over a chair, tossing it to Kaneki, who gratefully tugged on the oversized jacket over his thin shirt.
Without warning, Hide picked up the featherlight boy, cradling him in his arms. A startled "Ah!" fell from Kaneki's lips, but he quickly relaxed, giggling softly.
"Still cold?" Hide asked, tilting his chin. Kaneki shook his head.
"Still lonely?"
Tugging lightly on the taller boy's shirt for balance and sighing happily, Kaneki murmured, "Not anymore...thank you so much, Hide."
He adjusted Kaneki in his arms and gave a bright, easy smile. "Should I make you some soup or a sandwich or something?"
"Hide, it's-" his eyes flickered to the digital clock on the bedside table, "-almost two AM."
"You said you were hungry, right?"
"Yeah, but-"
"Then it's settled. C'mon, let's get some food in you." Ignoring his muttered protests, Hide carried Kaneki to the kitchen, setting him down gently.
"You're just lucky you have a stunningly handsome and incredibly selfless boyfriend to be your part-time butler," Hide teased, barely containing giggles and pulling a can of soup out of the fairly scant pantry cupboard.
Kaneki puffed out his cheeks. "Humble, too." He would joke along with Hide whenever he made remarks like that, but he really did feel lucky, and almost undeserving of the attention and affection the golden-haired boy showered on him.
Once the chicken soup had been prepared and set in front of Kaneki along with a glass of milk, he spoke a barely audible "thank you for the meal" before picking up the spoon. Hide pulled up a chair next to the other boy, who was clearly trying to restrain how fast he ate. He rested his chin on his hand, scanning Kaneki for signs of discomfort.
Well, unusual signs of discomfort. On these nights, he always seemed more hesitant and afraid than he normally was. Which was understandable.
"Kaneki..." Hide's voice was gentle and soothing. "Are you feeling any better?"
"Um." He had to take a moment to sort out his thoughts, and unearth the feelings that he'd attempted to bury earlier.
Yes, he did feel marginally better. All his toes were present and accounted for, Hide was okay and there with him, his heart was no longer frantically thrashing in his chest, he was eating regular food, his breathing had returned to normal, and he felt a soft sense of warmth and security.
Setting his spoon down, he nodded quietly, a ghost of a smile flickering across his lips. He sleepily rested his shoulder against Hide's, burying his face in the taller boy's cinnamonlike scent.
"I'm really glad." Hide shifted Kaneki into his arms, gently combing his fingers through his boyfriend's dark, soft hair.
Kaneki's sleepy smile grew sweeter. He was okay. He wasn't a ghoul. Nobody was trying to hurt him.
That was all he really could've asked for at the moment.