Chapter Text
Selected excerpts from the transcripts of recordings of the therapy sessions of Dr. Sarah Holt (SH) with Patient 67 (P67) throughout 1954. Transcribed by Edith Booth, research assistant. Names and places edited to retain patient anonymity.
P67: You have the funniest taste in interior design I’ve ever seen. Is that a collection of jugs in the shape of heads of drunken men?
SH: Ah, it seems to be working, finally. (Clears throat) Do you consent to the recording of this session?
P67: Depends what you’re going to do with the tapes. Are my dulcet tones going to rock you to sleep? Will you show it to your friends? Let them laugh at my problems?
SH: It’s strictly confidential. Transcripts of these recordings may be used in my research. Published under total anonymity, of course.
(Pause)
Is that okay with you?
P67: The problem is that I might have some…… indiscretions. That might come up. That might be illegal in certain states. Sidney told me you were completely fine. To talk to about these indiscretions, I mean. You won’t think I’m mentally diseased. Well, you probably will, but for other reasons, I hope.
SH: He told me all about you already.
P67: And you didn’t faint from shock?
SH: I’ve heard worse.
P67: Is that a challenge?
(Short pause)
SH: Did Sidney tell you about my research?
P67: He mentioned you wrote some papers on human sexuality. I haven’t been able to go to the library to check them out yet. So you could be either a massive pervert or a huge bigot.
SH: Which would you prefer?
P67: Pervert. Of course.
SH: (Chuckles) Did Sidney tell you about Shelly?
P67: No.
SH: We’ve been living together for five years now. We have two cats together.
P67: Oh. Oh! You’re one of those. You should have said so earlier. I feel much better now, knowing you’re in charge. Women like you can always be counted on to fix things. I should have known when I saw the Katherine Hepburn poster in the reception.
SH: I would similarly appreciate your complete discretion, of course.
P67: My lips are sealed.
SH: This also means you can stop flirting with me now.
P67: That’s never stopped me before. Just ask my friend Margaret.
SH: With that out of the way, do you consent to being recorded?
P67: Yes.
SH: Great. We can begin.
P67: We haven’t started yet?!
SH: No. That was just small talk.
P67: And here I was, thinking I was really acing psychoanalysis. Just hitting it out of the park.
SH: (Into recorder): Recording of first session with Patient, erm, 67….
P67: There have been 66 people before me!? And here I thought what we had together was special.
SH: Patient 67 returned from service in Korea six months ago, as an army doctor in a MASH unit. He has not been working since and has reported feelings of depression and symptoms of stress.
P67: Jeez, you really know how to talk up a guy.
SH: How have you been re-adjusting to civilian life?
P67: Re-adjusting, re-adjusting. What does that even mean? ‘Re-adjusting to civilian life?’
SH: Describe to me, an average day for you.
P67: Well, at 11 o’clock I wake up. Gotta catch the worm, you know. Although I probably already woke up fourteen times in the last night, so I wouldn’t say I’m well rested…… You’re writing that down, why are you writing that down?
SH: It’s just for my own notes. Marking down issues that we can work on later.
P67: My sleep is an issue?
SH: Insomnia is often symptomatic of deeper issues. Please, continue.
P67: Where was I? Ah, yes. I wake up. I have a coffee. Most days my Dad drives over on his lunch break to feed me. He’s very insistent I eat, for some reason. He acts like I need it to live or something. He goes back to work and I maybe try to do something useful, but I end up exhausted, so I lay on the couch watching TV for the rest of the day.
SH: What do you mean by ‘something useful’?
P67: Weeding. Putting oil on the hinges on the front door. Grocery shopping. Little things. I spent two of the longest years of my life in surgery sessions which would wipe out a normal human being but I can’t re-paint a fence?!
SH: You’re here to work on that. What do you think is blocking you from doing what you want to?
(Pause)
P67: Plain exhaustion I suppose. I used to stay up for days at a time in Korea. And I had to keep working. I just had to keep working. But now, I have the opposite problem. I’m tired all the time but I can’t rest. Maybe my body is still there.
SH: Where?
P67: Korea. (unintelligible)
SH: Lucky? How so?
P67: Honestly, I don’t know why I said that. No. I don’t want to go back there, ever. I guess… if my body’s in Korea, it’s working as it should, healing people up. It gets to see Margaret, and Klinger. And BJ. Oh, BJ, sweet BJ. Write that name down. For later.
SH: BJ? What does that stand for?
P67: Your guess is as good as mine. Also write down the names Trapper, Carlye and (REDACTED) Soon.
SH: How do you spell that?
P67: (REDACTED) and Soon, as in, she was gone too soon. Write down Henry (REDACTED), also. Those are all my most fucked up romantic prospects. Not including Henry. The time I drunkenly offered to give him a hand job doesn’t count.
But all of those are for later. Just so you know, if I mention them, prepare yourself. Right now, I just want to get back to work.
SH: It seems like working is very important to you. Why do think that is?
(Short Pause)
P67: Are you serious?
(Short Pause)
Of course work is important. It’s the most important thing in the world! You must understand, you’re also a doctor. We didn’t just choose this profession for the mental stability, flexible hours and relaxing atmosphere. You and me, we have this need… to help others. To heal. If I can’t do that….. I don’t know.
SH: What do you think is blocking you from this?
P67: Aren’t you the one whose supposed to tell me that?
SH: I’d like to get your take on it first.
P67: If I was to consider a reason, I guess I would say that I’m tired.
SH: Please don’t touch those. They are family heirlooms.
P67: Mister legless here? Do you come from a family of kooks? How did they feel when you decided to become a shrink? A bit like a vegetarian from a family of butchers. Family dinners must be awkward.
SH: Answer my question, please. What do you think is blocking you from working?
P67: Maybe……maybe…..maybe….
SH: You don’t need to pace around like that. Just lay back down and try to relax. It will be better that way.
P67: This helps me think. Gets my brain moving. I wasn’t expecting to be doing all the work for you, by the way. You have a lot of books here. Some good old Freud, of course. ‘Sexual Behavior in the Human Male’. Kinky. Nothing on the human female?
SH: I’m still waiting on the sequel. Please keep on topic. And sit down.
P67: Yes, teacher.
SH: You are here to talk about you, not about my books.
P67: But I want to know all about the sexuality of the male….. It could come in very handy.
SH: Do you want to talk about your sexuality? Is it an issue for you?
P67: No. I accepted that a long time ago. It’s about the only thing I have going for me at the moment. Frankly doctor, I’m becoming very worried and stressed that I might be neurotic.
SH: Is that true, or a joke in very poor taste?
P67: You’re catching on.
SH: Do you want to talk about your problems with work?
P67: No. I would like to be able to work.
SH: It’s not that easy.
P67: How about we talk about my childhood? I have a lot of talk about concerning my Mother. The stories I could tell you!
SH: Your inability to work manifested recently, right after you returned from Korea?
P67: Yes.
SH: I think we should focus on that, if we want to get you back where you want to be. The deeper and more challenging issues, that are deeply ingrained, we can work on later.
P67: You’re no fun. And here I thought I could just tell you I want to have sex with my Mother and wish I could be my Father and you would give me a gold star and a lollipop.
SH: Do you think you know more about my job than I do?
P67: I’ve been doing some reading. Sidney had some recommendations.
(Pause)
SH: What was the war like for you?
(Long Pause)
P67: It was like they put a car on train tracks and expected it to work the same way. Keep chugging along, even if your body wasn’t made for it. ‘Sure, I’ve got wheels, I can run on this.’ And I do, for a while. But then I keep getting worn down, until they’ve just the …erm…..the metal thing on in the middle of the tyre.
SH: I think they just call them the wheel.
P67: I was never any good at mechanics. BJ was. Anyway, I’m put back on the road, and I try to keep moving, but I’m like a train at this point. I don’t work on roads. I get so nervous. Does that make any sense at all to you?
SH: Yes. I think I get it.