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Lydia could recall exactly one instance where her mother was genuinely kind to someone.
She had been nearly 3 years old at the time, and Danny had unexpectedly found herself in the family way as they put it. No one knew who the father was, Danny had refused to say.
“I didn’t know you had a husband” Lydia had said with all the innocence in the world.
“I don’t” Danny had answered coldly.
Lydia didn’t know why she was able to recall Danny’s hands balling into fists and trembling as she spoke those words.
Apparently this action was enough to raise suspicion from Lydia’s mother. The mistress of Manderley pulled the housekeeper aside. The two women whispered amongst themselves. Lydia could only make out bits and pieces. Mother asking what the hell Danny had been thinking. Danny begging Mother not to ask her to talk about it, her usual hardened expression faltering. They spoke of more things that Lydia either didn’t hear, didn’t remember, or didn’t understand.
“I’ll allow you to raise the child at Manderley. Once it’s old enough, we’ll take it on as a member of staff” Mother had said, her voice steady and cold as ever.
“That's all I could ask for, Rebecca” Danny had replied, tears in her eyes as she wondered aloud what she would do without her mistress.
Any and all kindness from Mother disappeared at that moment. “For god’s sake, Danny, stop crying” She had commanded sharply before calling for her usual hair drill.
Lydia didn’t know what there was to be sad about, for surely people only cried when they were sad. And Danny had definitely been acting differently at the very least. The small girl was definitely not sad in the slightest. She wouldn’t be the only child to live at Manderley anymore.
Danny’s son was born around 8 months later. He was named Rudolph, apparently to honor Lydia’s mother. It made sense to Lydia considering Mother had done Danny the kindness of allowing her son to live close to her.
Lydia wished her mother would spare some of that kindness for her.
She was one of the first to meet Rudolph. As far as Lydia was concerned, they were already best friends. Despite putting on a front of indifference and being kept quite busy with her duties after a brief period of leave, Danny turned out to be a doting mother, if not a little strict.
It was a stark contrast to Lydia’s relationship with her own mother. Cold, distant, not at all affectionate. As Rudolph grew older and did not receive the beratings and hits that Lydia did, she couldn’t help but feel a little jealous. Danny was quite a stern woman and made sure her son upheld the standards of propriety required of Manderley’s staff, but at least she never struck Rudolph. At least she didn’t hurt him. At least he knew he was loved and cared for.
At 8 years old, Lydia asked her mother an important question during a rare moment alone between them. “Why do you hate me?”
Mother just laughed, flashing that cold smile that always managed to terrify Lydia. “If I hated you, I wouldn’t provide you with the life you have” She replied irritatedly.
Lydia looked down at the floor, knowing she had upset her mother. She knew she ought to stop talking, lest Mother box her ears for being ungrateful, and yet the comparison between the two of them and Danny and Rudolph was really weighing on her mind. “But Danny-“
Mother cut her off immediately. “What Danny does is none of your concern” She snapped. “You are not hers, you’re mine”
“I know…” Lydia stammered. She was about to tell her mother she hadn’t intended to be ungrateful, but the woman clearly wouldn’t hear of it.
“I’ve had enough of you. You will not speak to your mother that way” She shouted, fury in her eyes.
Lydia knew what was coming. She muttered profuse apologies, hoping it would appease Mother, yet the slap across the face still came with a vengeance. Her cheek was throbbing and she held her hand against it. Crying would only make it worse for her, so she just stood there for a moment, staring into her mother’s eyes, before marching off to her room.
“I hate her! I fucking hate her!” Lydia cried out in frustration, using the latest swear she’d learned from her Aunt Bea. It felt apt at the moment. She wanted to cry now that she was in the privacy of her bedroom, but then she noticed Rudolph was there too. Danny had convinced Frith to allow him to do some odd jobs now that he had turned 5. Currently he was watering an orchid plant that sat on Lydia’s vanity.
Normally Lydia wouldn’t mind this, after all he was like a little brother to her, but right now she wanted so badly to be alone. She wasn’t in the mood to play at being perfect. She wasn’t in the mood to pretend everything was fine. She knew Rudolph practically worshiped her mother. She wasn’t sure how she managed to keep the abuse a secret from him for 3 years.
Well, that wasn’t true, she was. It did help that Rudolph was only 2 when Mother first hit her. But now that he was old enough to at least understand that her mother’s fury that seemed to stem from her mere existence wasn’t normal, Lydia was certain he wouldn’t believe a word she said.
At least Danny attempted to convince Mother to try to be less harsh, or at least she had told Lydia she would. If that conversation even happened, it certainly hadn’t been successful. Not only because Mother continued to be cruel, but…let’s just say Rudolph’s view of Lydia’s mother had to come from somewhere. He’d blindly follow whatever his mum told him simply due to his age. For that reason, Lydia hated him for a moment.
Rudolph turned from the orchid pot once he heard Lydia enter. “Who? What happened?” He asked his friend who was far from his equal.
Lydia sighed. She couldn’t stay mad, at least not at Rudolph. It wasn’t like he had been the one to hit her so hard that it left a bruise. “Mother hit me. I didn’t do anything wrong! I just wanted to know why she hates me so much!”
Rudolf shook his head in disbelief. Typical. Though he seemed to notice the forming bruise on Lydia’s cheek. “The mistress did that? Mrs. de Winter wouldn’t do something like that” He insisted.
Lydia threw her hands up in the air. “Well she did! She’s done it for 3 years!” She felt tears begin to fall. So much for holding herself together. She quickly wiped her eyes.
Rudolph just stood there looking confused. He made no move to comfort Lydia, not that she expected him to. He didn’t understand. Lydia wondered if he would ever understand. But then the realization seemed to come to him.
“But…she’s your mum,” He finally muttered.
Now it was Lydia’s turn to shake her head. “Do you think that matters?” She asked rhetorically, her voice cracking just slightly.
Rudolph didn’t seem to get the memo because he immediately shrugged his shoulders and answered with a hesitant “I…don’t know”
Lydia envied how utterly calm the boy was, despite his uncertainty. Just another trait passed down from Danny.
Rebecca de Winter died 18 months later. They found her body two months after that. Danny’s idolization turned onto Lydia. Rudolph started acting all formal towards her. Her father became more cold and distant than before, going off to London more than he usually had before.
And here Lydia thought things would get better now that she was gone.
“You don’t really hate her, do you madam?” Rudolph asked her once they were able to get a moment alone.
Lydia rolled her eyes. “For the last time, stop calling me that. You’re like my brother” She said with a sigh.
“Sorry, Lydia” Rudolph apologized.
Lydia turned the subject back to the question at hand. “To be honest, I don’t know. She never cared about me”
Rudolph cut her off, telling her not to say that. “Don’t try to tell me off. You forget I’m older than you” Lydia snapped. It wasn’t anywhere near the same level as her father’s temper, but it was the most bite her words had held in her life. It felt good to exert power over someone else for once instead of constantly feeling helpless. But as usual, any feeling of triumph and anger disappeared after a moment. A force of habit. Suppressing any negative emotion until she could delude herself that it never existed. “It’s…complicated. I know what you’ll say, and I know what she was to me. But I also know what I needed her to be and that she wasn’t any of that”
“You’re just mad because Mr. de Winter is,” Rudolph replied. Lydia thought he sounded bitter, though his heart didn’t seem to be in it.
Lydia knew that was a lie, but she bit back an icy retort that Rudolph knew nothing. That if he wasn’t so naive to the truth he wouldn’t say such preposterous things. That he was just repeating what he heard from Danny. That if he thought everyone just blindly agreed with their parents’ views he was a bloody idiot. But Mother always said it wasn’t proper to make a spectacle of oneself in front of others. Father said the same thing, though much less forcefully.
She just had to hold it in until the conversation came to an end or Rudolph was called to his next task.
“I could say the same thing about you and Danny” Lydia said blankly, setting off for the music room to take out her frustrations on the piano.
A year later, Lydia’s father remarried. Lydia paced around the garden, lost in thought. Rudolph simply watched.
“What do you think she’ll be like?” Lydia asked after she finally stopped pacing.
Rudolph shrugged. “No idea. I just hope she doesn’t hit you”
“That makes two of us. If she’s anything like Mother, I definitely won’t like her,” She replied.
“Mother says she could be a queen and still not live up to her” Rudolph said nonchalantly.
Lydia sighed. She loved Danny like a second mother, but the woman had become almost insufferable. As far as the housekeeper was concerned, as soon as Lydia’s mother was buried, she had somehow never had any flaws at all. The girl of 10 thought of a conversation they had had last night.
“I know you’re angry. I really do, but why do you hold this over her head?” Danny asked Lydia as she brushed the girl’s hair.
“You know why” Lydia answered in a defeated tone. “I know you cared for her. I know she was kind to you. I was there to see it. But I’ve spent my whole life wishing she’d show just an ounce of that kindness and love to me. I tried everything to earn her love and it was never enough. You know that, Danny” She was trying so hard to empathize, and to an extent it worked. But at the same time she didn’t appreciate Danny knowingly worshiping her tormentor, especially since she claimed to care for Lydia.
Danny nodded, setting the hairbrush onto the vanity. “I do know that. I just…you know how much she meant to me”
Lydia nodded. She did indeed know that. She and Rudolph had caught her mother and Danny kissing once. The two had laughed and laughed at the sight. Adults kissing? How gross was that? Mother had been furious at them both when she caught them. And of course, Lydia had paid for it. Rudolph was only spared because Danny had insisted she was capable of dealing with her own son. He had gotten off with a quick scolding and an extracted promise not to tell a soul what he saw.
“Sometimes I wonder if the only reason you put up with me is because I look like her, because it’s your job. It’s like you’re the exact opposite of my father” Lydia mused. It was a cynical thought, and she wished she hadn’t voiced it.
To her surprise, Danny wasn’t the least bit offended by this. There was no trace of anger or disappointment on her face. “Lydia, I…that isn’t true”
Lydia wasn’t sure if Danny was lying to spare her feelings or not.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the sudden arrival of Danny. “They’re here” The housekeeper said, ushering both children inside to prepare to greet the new Mrs. de Winter.
“I don’t see the problem. That cupid was ugly anyway” Lydia shrugged.
“There you go again, sounding just like Mr. de Winter” Rudolph rolled his eyes.
“And that’s a bad thing? If I were forced to take after either of my parents, I’d rather it not be her” Lydia replied.
“Your mother had her good points” Rudolph defended.
Lydia told him to shut up.
Rudolph felt bad for bringing up the late Mrs. de Winter and attempted to change the subject. “Well it looks like you got your wish. The new mistress is nothing like her”
Lydia sighed with relief. “And let’s hope she stays that way,” She mused, taking a moment before asking Rudolph what he thought of her stepmother. Although they tended to clash a lot these days, she still valued her surrogate brother’s opinion.
“I mean…she seems nice. I don’t really have a reason not to like her” Rudolph told Lydia.
“Me neither, but I’m still nervous that it could all be an act,” Lydia admitted, causing Rudolph to look at her with an almost pitying expression.
“Mother thinks she doesn’t have it in her to pretend. I heard the master say the same” He said to the older girl.
Lydia laughed at this revelation. It seemed impossible to her, but then again Rudolph was never one to lie. “Imagine that. My father and your mother in agreement”
Rudolph watched as his mother entered the kitchen. He was absolutely pissed with her for what had happened in the ballroom a few moments ago. He had been peeking through the door to the servants staircase and caught a glimpse of the mistress in the same costume Lydia’s mum had worn last year. He had heard Lydia scream in terror at the sight and run off to a side room crying. And most importantly, he had seen the smug and triumphant glare on his mother’s face. It didn’t take a genius to figure out she had been behind this.
“Don’t give me that look” His mum scolded.
“Why did you do that, Mother?” Rudolph asked, feeling betrayed on his best friend’s behalf.
His mum just laughed. “Do what? The little chit did it to herself” This was not the first time Rudolph had heard her speak ill of the new mistress, in fact, plenty of the staff did so in the privacy of the servant’s quarters, but it was the most hate filled.
Rudolph balled his hands into fists. “You knew Lydia would be there to see it and you still went out of your way to scare her. I thought you loved her” He deliberately left out how mean his mother’s trick was to the mistress. He didn’t want to provoke her further.
His mother looked right at him, seething all the while. “Don’t you dare tell me I don’t love her. It’s because I love her that I did this”
Rudolph didn’t believe that for a moment. In that moment, he realized that his mother was completely obsessed nearly to the point of madness. He realized that Lydia wasn’t exaggerating things. That the late Mrs. de Winter had indeed been vindictive and cruel, just as his mum was right now. That he had been willingly blind for over 2 years.
“Some way of showing love” He muttered under his breath. Luckily he was spared the possibility of his mother hearing and scolding him for backchat when Peter, one of his fellow kitchen boys, called him over.
That was the first time he had ever stood up to his mother, and it frightened him. It would be many years before he did so again.
Lydia burst into Rudolph’s room. He shared it with Peter, but luckily for Lydia, Rudolph’s roommate was not present. She had important news to share with her friend that she wanted only him to hear.
“They found Mother’s boat. Father said her body was inside it” She spoke hurriedly.
Rudolph asked her to repeat that. When she did so, he just stared at Lydia in shock. “Does that mean…”
“That he identified the wrong body last year? Yes!” Lydia finished for him.
Rudolph asked what would happen. Lydia told him she wasn’t sure herself, but apparently her father had to testify in court next week. Neither of them would learn the whole truth.
“Those are Mrs. de Winter’s things” Danny protested.
“I’m Mrs. de Winter now, and I say that you’re to get rid of them” Lydia’s stepmother replied with a firm resolve, more confident than anyone had ever seen her.
As Lydia passed by the morning room and heard the restored cupid smash to pieces once more, she couldn’t help but feel proud.
Lydia and Rudolph crossed paths in the hall. Rudolph carried a bucket of water to bring to the kitchen downstairs. Both children stopped in their tracks when they heard someone sobbing.
“Is that Danny?” Lydia asked. Rudolph nodded and the pair went to ask what was wrong. Maybe they could help.
Danny noticed her son and her beloved’s daughter approach. She was in no fit state to speak to anyone, but nonetheless she grabbed Lydia to pull her into a tight embrace.
“Danny, what’s going on?” Lydia asked, the grave expression on the housekeeper’s face was unmissable.
This only caused Danny to sob harder. “She…Your mother…She had cancer. She didn’t tell anyone. She drowned herself”
Lydia knew that her mother’s only fear was a slow death by illness, but still she hadn’t expected this. Despite her feelings about her late mother, this was such a shock. She pulled Rudolph into the hug.
He was just as shocked as Lydia, but with the notable difference that he didn’t know of her mother’s one fear. All he knew was that his mother wasn’t well and neither was his friend. He was never good at comforting others, but he knew where he was needed.
As the years passed, Danny’s mental state slowly began to deteriorate. The disillusionment of her beloved had had such an effect on her. She was able to keep this secret from everyone apart from Rudolph for 4 years. Lydia only knew about it because Rudolph confided in her once.
She swore never to tell, because that would mean Danny would have no choice but to retire early and potentially leave Manderley, leaving Rudolph to support his mother through a meager salary of a kitchen boy alone. She couldn’t do that to them, and she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to convince her father to help.
But then one day it became too much. Lydia, now a month shy of her 16th birthday, sat at her vanity. Danny was showing her new lady’s maid, Helen, a younger sister to Clarice, who was Lydia’s stepmother’s maid, how to properly style Lydia’s hair in an updo. All of a sudden, Danny began to laugh hysterically. The laughing then turned to crying. Helen abruptly stopped what she was doing. Lydia turned around to face Danny.
“Is everything alright, Danny?” She asked. Lydia knew she ought to call the housekeeper Mrs. Danvers considering she was at that age where such formalities were becoming a requirement, but at that moment Lydia didn’t care about that. She had only heard of these episodes second hand from Rudolph, never witnessing one herself.
Danny made a sound that was a strange cross between laughing and crying. She began to pace around Lydia’s room. She muttered “Why did she betray me? She said our lives were one. Why did she do this to me?”
Helen attempted to reach toward her superior. “Mrs. Danvers, what are you talking about?” The young maid asked.
Danny began to shake Helen. Her mutterings only got louder until they became anguished shouts. “Danny, please. It’s over…she isn’t…please!” Lydia wasn’t sure of what to do, but nonetheless attempted to separate Danny from Helen lest Danny unwittingly harm her.
“I…I’ll be right back. Stay right where you are. Helen, come with me” Lydia ordered. Mistress and lady’s maid made a mad dash around the house. “Damn it, where is he?” Lydia cursed.
Rudolph seemed to materialize out of nowhere, along with Peter and Robert, who had recently been promoted to head footman. The younger two had also been recently promoted from kitchen boys to grooms and were training together under the elder. Rudolph immediately noticed the frightened looks Lydia and Helen were giving him. Lydia attempted to explain what was happening, but for once found herself lost for words.
Helen stepped in instead. “Rudolph, come quick. Your mum’s gone off her head.”
Rudolph didn’t need to be told twice. Robert gave him permission to follow the two girls. The trio made their way to Lydia’s room as fast as possible. Although Rudolph was the youngest of the group, he was the calmest among them by virtue of having witnessed his mum’s attacks before. He had learned how to talk her down, but as of now even he was frightened.
Word of Danny’s madness traveled fast among the staff. Rudolph had told Peter when his colleague asked if the housekeeper was alright. Peter, not knowing what else to do, told Robert. Robert then told Frith, the butler. Frith told Lydia’s stepmother, as the mistress of the house was responsible for choosing who would succeed Danny as housekeeper.
“We have no choice, Lydia” Mrs. de Winter told her stepdaughter, her tone sympathetic.
“You can’t send her away like that. You can’t” Lydia cried out.
“She isn’t well. It isn’t healthy for her to keep working in this state and remaining at Manderley where she’ll be reminded of Rebecca will only make it worse” Mrs. de Winter reiterated firmly. Despite the hostility directed at her by the housekeeper in her early days at Manderley, the mistress of the house had become sympathetic to the older woman after she learned of Rebecca’s cancer.
Lydia knew that her stepmother was right. But that didn’t mean she liked it. “At least ask Father to raise Rudolph’s salary for his trouble” She said. Her stepmother assured her she’d speak to her father about it. Lydia assumed that was the end of the matter and left for the music room.
Lydia joined Rudolph in going to the pensioners’ home in Kerrith. It had been a few years since Danny’s severe bout of madness, and the two childhood friends were now quite grown up at 21 and 18 respectively. Both paid regular visits to the former housekeeper, sometimes separately, sometimes together.
“I’ve been waiting for you two,” Danny said lightheartedly. Lydia was glad that this seemed to be one of her better days. “How have you been?”
Rudolph updated his mother about his life since they last saw each other, including his promotion to second footman. Lydia told Danny of her recent season in London and her engagement to her longtime sweetheart, Anthony Darewood, the son of one of her father’s old friends.
“Hang Mr. Darewood. You should court Rudolph instead. It’s what your mother would have wanted” Danny laughed.
Rudolph and Lydia looked at each other. Both were mortified by the brazen suggestion. They knew full well why Danny had said that. Leaving Manderley had helped her episodes become less severe, but there were still some times when she lost herself in the smallest reminder of Rebecca de Winter. The subject of Lydia and Rudolph as a couple had come up before, but never had Danny been so blunt about it.
“Mother, you’re dreaming. That couldn’t work” Rudolph insisted, just a bit more harshly than intended.
“Why not? Mr. de Winter married a glorified lady’s maid. Though I have to hand it to her, she eventually did prove herself” Danny insisted, trying to nudge Rudolph closer to Lydia. The young man was visibly uncomfortable with this.
“It’s not the class difference, but the fact that we grew up together in the same house. He’s basically my brother” Lydia replied, her tone gentler than Rudolph’s.
“Exactly and besides…” Rudolph started, though the sudden pause caused Lydia to raise an eyebrow. Rudolph then whispered something into Lydia’s ear so his mother wouldn’t hear. Lydia whispered back, giving his hand a friendly squeeze. He then turned back to the older woman and spoke aloud. “…she has someone else”
“Well, you could always be her lover,” Danny smirked knowingly.
Lydia shook her head at this suggestion. “You forget that it’s frowned upon for a woman to take a lover, and I have no intention of being unfaithful. Besides, it’s not…” She said.
Danny just laughed some more. “That didn’t stop your mother” She snickered. “I don’t see why it couldn’t work out”
Rudolph immediately stood, throwing up his hands in frustration. “I’m fucking queer!” He shouted.
Danny narrowed her eyes at her son’s confession. “You mean you like men? I raised you better than that” She asked, clearly peeved.
Lydia was shocked by this. She remembered that day she and Rudolph had caught Danny and her late mother kissing. And she knew that Danny’s reaction was very hypocritical. “With all due respect…you like women. I don’t get why you of all people would have an issue with him being queer” She replied with annoyance.
“It's not that he’s queer. It’s that he doesn’t like women” Danny reiterated, hoping that her former charge would catch her meaning.
“Mother, I don’t understand what you mean. You can like women, but I can’t like men?” Rudolph chimed in.
“I suppose you can. What I mean is, if you were a woman and not queer, I would feel the same way I do now” Danny explained, to which Rudolph and Lydia both let out a slightly less confused ‘oh’. That was the end of that rather awkward conversation.
Upon their return to Manderley, Lydia and Rudolph assumed their proper roles of heiress and footman once more. They agreed not to speak of what had been said during their visit to the erstwhile housekeeper. It had been laughably awkward for one thing, and both of them knew that Rudolph being found out by anyone other than his mother and Lydia could have dire consequences. Neither of them were willing to risk that. Though should Rudolph choose to tell others eventually, Lydia assured that he would have her full support. Manderley was as much his home as it was hers. After all, what were sisters for?