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No matter how often they seemed to occur, pink-tinted skies as the sun set were always a sight. Tsukasa Tenma watched the sun fall, silhouetting the ferris wheel of Pheonix Wonderland as it set.
“Hmmmmmmm, so pretty! ☆” His pink-haired companion chimed. He wondered how Emu Otoori always managed to stay so upbeat about things. I mean- Tsukasa always did his best, but everyone has their moments now and then. Unless you’re Emu, apparently.
“The sky?” Rui Kamishiro, another member of the group, questioned from across the outdoors-stage. Him and the final addition to the quartet, Nene Kusanagi, were moving set pieces back into the storage backstage- a normal occurrence for the end of their rehearsals. Emu spun around enthusiastically. “Yepyep! It’s all pink, see!”
Tsukasa looked back over to the ferris wheel, backlit by the sun. Hm. He had to admit, the sky did look rather pretty, but he couldn’t really bring himself to comment on it. Instead, he focused on striking some props and set pieces still left on the stage, returning them to the spot backstage next to where Nene and Rui were.
With a sigh, he placed down some final boxes, and looked around for any stray pieces. “It’s all taken care of now, don’t you worry, Tsukasa.” Rui’s voice from behind him startled him a little bit. “ Well, you never know! A star would never leave a mess on the stage!” he retorted.
Rui only hummed in response, walking by and standing next to Emu, who was spinning around in circles centerstage. Tsukasa’s gaze followed the taller boy, watching him smile almost nervously at the spinning girl. In his peripheral, he saw Nene follow up, now standing beside Tsukasa. He noticed her mouth open to speak, but she was interrupted by Emu. “Tsukasa, Nene! We can still hang out tonight, right?!? We can think about more things to make this show really go… bawoom!! ☆”
“.. ‘Bawoom’...?” Nene muttered, but only loud enough for Tsukasa to hear. In all honesty, he’d completely forgotten the troupe had planned to continue working on the show tonight. Emu had been nice enough to invite them all over.
“Ah, I completely forgot… sorry, I’m honestly feeling rather tired.” He admitted. He half expected Emu to be all upset about his decline, and yet she once again surprised him. “That’s A-Okay! We worked suuuuper hard today, you should go sleep!”
He gave her a smile, or as much as he could muster right now. Emu didn’t seem too bothered, but Tsukasa noticed Rui looking at him with a slightly inquisitive look. The blond adverted his eyes, and signalled a wave to the group as he hopped off the edge of the stage, collecting his things from the seats. As he turned around to say his goodbye, Nene met his eyes from the edge of the stage. “... Are you alright, Tsukasa? Rui said he noticed you were.. Off today.”
“Ah, did he?” Tsukasa tilted his head. Shit, he must’ve let his guard down sometime today. Just a little bit longer, he told himself. He couldn’t worry his fellow castmates, he needed to be their star leader!
“Yeah. He did.” Nene deadpanned. Tsukasa looked over her shoulder, seeing Rui and Emu talking to each other further upstage. He brought his attention back to Nene sitting in front of him. “I’m fine, I promise! The longer rehearsal today just took more out of me than I thought it would!” he lied. Nene narrowed her eyes at him, then sighed. “.. ‘kay.”
Tsukasa smiled sheepishly at her, then raised his arm to catch Emu and Rui’s attention as well. “I’ll see you all tomorrow!” he called. He didn’t really wait to catch the reactions or goodbyes of the others, he simply turned away, walking past the seats, and out of the park.
⤁
Closing the front door behind him with a click , Tsukasa removed his shoes and placed them on the rack. He looked around for any sign of his parents, but when he didn’t hear anything he figured they’d already gone up to bed. That’s fair. It’s late.
Saki’s shoes were also sitting nicely on the rack as well. Tsukasa managed a dreary smile to himself- even if everything else seemed hopeless right now, at least Saki made it home safely. His smile faded as he continued on though, upstairs to his own room.
With a sigh, he quietly closed his door behind him, placing his bag next to the dresser. He was still in his stage outfit, too. Fuuck.
He unlooped the ribbons on the front, and unbuttoned the jacket. He made sure to neatly place the garment on its hanger with the cravat, once he’d loosened and taken the piece off his neck. Now just left in pants and a button down shirt, he sighed. Tsukasa just unbuttoned the top button of his shirt and untucked it. He didn’t have the energy to take the rest off.
The blond flopped down onto his bed, defeated. Why was he even feeling like this in the first place? His eyelids felt heavy, yet even with his eyes closed, sleep was too far to come. Actually, having his eyes closed was worse. Way worse.
His thoughts became hellishly loud, thoughts he couldn’t even comprehend as they flashed through his head.
‘No matter how much you try- it won’t matter in the end. It won’t matter in the- you know that. You’ll never reach the goals you want. You’ll never be good enough. You aren’t good enough. You aren’t good enough now. Practice doesn’t help. Practice won’t help. You’ve done it for years, and where are you now? No better than the start. You don’t improve, you don’t learn. How does someone like you begin to think to call himself a “star”? What on earth would you have to show for it?’
The monologue that haunted his thoughts every so often passed through his head. He’d heard this all from himself before. It was always there to some degree, even just small parts sitting in the back of his mind during rehearsals. Normally, he could push them down enough to continue on with his day, but this? This was too strong. This felt too strong. He felt like he couldn’t move, just left to drown in these feelings.
His vision began blurring and pooling together, until all he could see were vague blobs. He let the tears run down his face. They didn’t burn, or feel like agonized crying. It just felt… dry, empty. He could feel each tear carve its path down his face, down his nose and cheek, dampening his sheets. Following each tear like raindrops on the window of a car, waiting for the green light with no sun or blue sky in sight.
The train of thought made his head feel like the storm he’d be sitting in. Gray clouds stretched out for miles, the beating of rain on the roof of the car echoing around him. He could feel the low rumble of thunder starting up, growing closer and closer, until- CRACK! Lighting split the sky just in front of him.
Tsukasa gripped his pillow under his hand. He hated storms. He needed to pull himself out of this imagined scenario.
He could see his wall. His sheets. His pillow. His bag, leaning against the dresser. His stage outfit hanging up on the door of his closet. He could feel his hair against his face, strands stuck in the drying streams of tears on his face, the warmth of his own self pressed onto his arm as he laid on his side, the cotton sheets rubbing against his face. He could hear faint footsteps walking around his house- ones that sounded like his mother’s, her faint speaking from downstairs, and eventually the creaking of the steps as, he was assuming, she returned to her room upstairs.
He blinked, and breathed in slowly. What was he doing again? He couldn’t remember. His fingers twitched as he reminded himself he had control of himself. He closed his eyes, his mind completely cleared of anything now. Not a single thought he could pick out from the void his mind was.
The sharp knocking on Tsukasa’s door brought him back to consciousness. He lifted his head up, looking over at the door. ‘ Saki?’ He thought. Who else could need him at this hour? Sitting up to the edge of his bed, he quickly rubbed his eyes with his sleeve before allowing his visitor in.
“Uh- yeah. Come in!” The blond made his best attempt to push down any indication of his current state from his voice. An older sibling and star like himself needs to be strong for his younger sister, after all!
As the handle clicked open, Tsukasa nearly felt his heart stop once he saw the bright lavender hair of a man who was very much not his younger sister.
“... Rui?” he whispered, shocked. There was a long pause between the two as Tsukasa struggled to form the question of ‘ How are you here?’
Rui’s eyes flicked to the side, taking a few steps into the room and closing the door behind him. “Sorry if I surprised you. Miss Tenma let me in at the front, and told me you were up here.”
Tsukasa didn’t know how to respond, his head still too scattered from earlier. Although he did manage to move his attention to the floor, staring intently. He felt Rui sit next to him on the edge of the bed.
“.. Apologies for the sudden appearance, too.” Rui’s voice was soft, but concerned. “You said you were just tired, but you seemed rather off all rehearsal. So… I was worried.”
His words didn’t really sink in. Tsukasa kept his head down, hiding his face with his bangs. He wanted to tell Rui it was all okay- the chairman of Wonderlands x Showtime needed to impose a good attitude for all members! And yet… nothing came out. Only solemn staring at the floor. Which, prompted Rui to speak again. “Are you doing alright?”
Tsukasa opened his mouth to speak, but closed it, still speechless. Was he alright? Did he have the energy to lie to his friend? The past hour or so screamed ‘no’. He felt his face run hot, vision starting to blur again. Quickly, he brought a sleeve up to his eyes, and blinking any tears away. How pathetic was he, unable to reassure Rui he was alright- or even just be honest?
He brought his arm down, gripping the fabric of his pants. In his peripheral, he noticed Rui had leaned over, resting his elbows on his knees to look up at Tsukasa. The blond flicked his gaze away.
“I… I’m not even sure what exactly is wrong. I just…” Tsukasa’s voice wavered, quiet. “… I just feel… tired. Everything’s been so… loud , so… I don’t even know. And I haven’t been able to do enough lately- to help enough! Neither you, or Emu, Nene, Saki, myself, and so on..? But I don’t know what to do, Rui. I can’t help but feel like… I’ll just… ultimately never be ‘good enough’.”
His small outburst was met with an almost stunned silence from the other. Tsukasa turned his face away, feeling the sting of tears yet again. He really was fragile tonight, huh?
“Sorry, it’s ah…. silly, I know.” He tried to give a lighthearted laugh, but it only sounded like small sobs, so he didn’t follow through. The silence he was being met with felt like burning in his chest- just a painful, slow silence while Rui thought, only broken periodically by sniffles.
“Tsukasa…” Rui began, although trailing off like he wasn’t quite sure of his words yet. Another pause.
To his surprise, Tsukasa watched Rui stand up out of the corner of his eye. The taller boy instead moved to kneel in front of Tsukasa, looking up at him. Or- well, with their height difference, he didn’t really have to look up much. In a simple gesture, Rui placed his hands gently over Tsukasa’s, holding them.
The touch, however simple, felt like fire to the blond. Not an angry fire, though. Like a fireplace, inside on a cold day. He wasn’t expecting it, surprising him enough to bring his attention back to Rui. Or- Rui’s hands. He didn’t have the courage to make eye contact yet.
“… it’s… a tough feeling, definitely. Everything’s been turned up to eleven, but not in a good way. Honestly, I understand it. I’m no psychologist, but.. from what I do know it’s not a feeling that goes away as easily as people want it to. Which sucks.”
Rui had also shifted his attention to their hands as he spoke, allowing Tsukasa to look at him through his bangs.
“I think we’ll always have voices in our heads telling us we won’t be good enough, or along the lines of. But remembering the people who think otherwise is a nice way to start pushing those ideas out, no? Nene, Emu, Saki, Myself- we aren’t going anywhere. And we’re certainly not going to judge your emotions. I mean, even future stars like yourself are still human, right?”
Tsukasa watched a small smile crack on Rui’s lips at the statement. He took a pause to look up at Tsukasa, meeting his eyes. The blond felt a small smile of his own start to form as the two made eye contact for the moment.
“And there’s no need to feel ashamed to ask for help or accommodation. We’ll be happy to help you out when you need, it’s certainly better than watching you struggle on your own. Just… let us know what you need. Whether it’s advice, someone to listen to you, a break or alone-time, whatever it is. Sometimes things feel overwhelming for no reason, but we can still get through things together, right?”
Rui’s words ended with another warm smile, and Tsukasa couldn’t help but smile back. Although, his was probably much more drained than his companion’s softer complexion.
The blond managed a nod. Despite feeling better than before, he really needed to recharge his brain. So words still felt out of the question. But, he hoped Rui understood his gratitude.
Tsukasa looked back down at his hands, still gently held in Rui’s grasp. He’d never really had the opportunity to look at the other’s hands like this- Rui often wore gloves, after all.
His hands were firstly; much bigger than his own, although Tsukasa knew he’d always had relatively small hands. But secondly; they were also worn . Small knicks and blemishes were scattered all over his hands. Not bad ones, but probably effects of his robotics and inventing. With all that tinkering, you’d think Rui’s hands were calloused and rough from materials and tools, but it was the opposite. His hands were soft.
“… Hey, Tsukasa?” Rui’s sudden addressing brought his attention back to the real world, looking back up at Rui’s face. “Mmhm?”
“I know there’s probably not much I can do to help right now, but… if you’ve got a favourite movie or something, we could watch that. I can pull it up on my phone.” Rui’s head tilted slightly with the question, sort of like a puppy. A lavender coloured puppy.
Tsukasa let out a faint laugh, happy with the suggestion, and nodded. “We can research for our next show!”
Rui smiled. “Of course,” He pulled his phone out, taking a moment to unlock it and pull up the streaming app. He turned it around, and held it out to Tsukasa. “Here, you can use it to search for something. I’m going to see if I can find us something to eat. By the looks of it, you haven’t eaten yet, no?”
Tsukasa hesitantly shook his head. Rui nodded. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. Pick a good one!”
Once the door had shut behind Rui, Tsukasa sighed, scrolling through options. Although he’d said it could be for research, he really just wanted to find something mind-numbing.
⤁
“Find anything?” Rui’s return startled Tsukasa a bit. He studied the plate the other was carrying- some fruit, crackers, bread… it may not be a feast persè, but of course something was infinitely better than nothing .
Tsukasa nodded, holding up Rui’s phone to show his selection. “Hm? ‘Tangled’ ? Haven’t you seen that a million times already?” Rui laughed lightheartedly, sitting next to the blond and placing the plate in between them.
“Yeah, but… ah… I dunno, I just like it.” He replied. In truth, he chose it because he’d seen it so much already. He could afford to just… turn his brain off. Well, and the music is good too.
Tsukasa looked around, trying to think of the best setup to watch the movie. “Umm… here,” He stood up Rui’s phone against the headboard of his bed, and rolled over to lie down on one side. “I think this works. Here, join me.”
“Ah- Are you sure?”
“Mhm. Probably can’t see it from sitting there.”
Rui shifted, lying down next to Tsukasa as he started the film. “This is the story of how I died. Don't worry, this is actually a very fun story. And the truth is, it isn't even mine-“ The opening of the movie went right over Tsukasa’s head. He already basically had it memorized, all he needed to do was zone out at the tiny screen.
Only after maybe twenty minutes of absent-minded watching and slow eating of fruit on the plate, did Tsukasa look over at Rui. The sharp yellow of his eyes meeting his own caught Tsukasa off guard. And apparently Rui, too- his eyes widened slightly in surprise, then darted back to the phone. “Sorry,” he muttered.
Tsukasa stared at him a bit longer. Had Rui been looking at him before? And if so, why? He pondered this while returning to the little plate of food. “... Oh, uh… you can have some, by the way.” He gestured to the little movie snacks.
Rui’s attention turned back to Tsukasa, tilting his head slightly once again. He didn’t speak, but communicated his thoughts with a simple eyebrow raise. “Really, it’s alright.” The blond insisted. “Take it as… a thank you! For… for your help today.”
The other didn’t make any move to do as Tsukasa offered, still looking at him inquisitively. Tsukasa sighed, and pulled an orange from the plate, beginning to peel it. Ugh- he forgot how much he hated getting the orange juice all over his hands when he did this. He persevered though, taking the peeled orange and splitting it in half.
“Here. My thank you to you.” He held out an orange half to Rui. And, with a reluctant sigh and defeated smile, the boy accepted. Tsukasa put on a smug smile as he put the orange half in Rui’s hands.
Another short moment of contact with his hand. It was only slight, but the feeling remained in Tsukasa’s finger tips long after. Perhaps unconsciously, Tsukasa’s gaze drifted up to Rui’s face while the lavender boy separated his orange slices.
He’d seen this profile before. Of course he had, the two were castmates, after all! And yet, it felt like he’d never seen him from this close before. Rui’s face was focused, cast downwards, but thankfully his hair fell relatively out of his face.
Tsukasa noted every detail he saw. How sharp Rui’s jawline was, the gentle curve in the bridge of his nose, as well as the small imperfections on his lips. He knew Rui had a bad habit of fidgeting with the skin of his lips when he was anxious, so it didn’t come as a surprise. But it didn’t subtract from his features at all, if anything, telling his story more, even if Tsukasa was already aware. Rui’s eyes were bright, putting one in mind of the sun, and his eyelashes were long, and… pretty. Tsukasa noticed the dark circles under Rui’s eyes too. Hahh, he must still not be sleeping that well.
Sudden movement jerked Tsukasa out of his study as Rui held up an orange slice to the side of his face. “It’s the same colour as your hair,” he remarked. Tsukasa felt his face heat up at the possibility that he was caught looking at Rui’s face for so long, so his only response was hinged with panic. “Ahah! Yeah, it- yeah, it is, huh?”
Smooth! Great recovery, Tsukasa. Oh great, even his inner voice was using sarcasm with him. Flustered, he moved his attention to his own orange, also being reminded that they were still technically watching Tangled. They had to be halfway through the movie by now. His mind wasn’t on the movie at all though, his thoughts were consumed by… a different topic.
Fundamentally, Rui was an attractive guy, right? Like- it isn’t odd that Tsukasa thought he was pretty. He’d known this for so long now! Even from the start, he’d acknowledged Rui’s looks. And sure, in personality he found the playful back-and-forth endearing, and maybe he loved the sound of Rui’s voice- every tone and inflection like music, but those were just regular friend thoughts!
It didn’t mean anything if Tsukasa felt flushed when the two had to hold hands for rehearsal or a curtain call. Or the excitement he felt when Rui called his name. Or… well, sure- Tsukasa already knew he was attracted to men. But that didn’t mean anything! Rui was just… a cool guy, that’s all!
“… Did the orange commit a crime against you?” Rui’s smug comment brought Tsukasa back to the real world. He’d been staring intently at the orange slices.
“Not at all, the opposite! I was just… beaming praise of good taste to it with my mind.” He joked back. Rui laughed, shaking his head. His hair swayed with the motion, nearly captivating Tsukasa yet again.
He quickly ripped his attention away, back to the orange. He picked up a slice and ate it while he stared off. Ugh, he forgot he still had the orange juice on his hands. He scanned the room, finding a tissue box and deeming it good enough to dry his hands.
With orange-juice-free hands, he returned to the movie. He placed his chin in his arms, peering over. Mother Gothel was ‘saving’ Rapunzel from the thieves.
In his peripheral though, he noticed Rui fidgeting with his thumbs. Picking at the sides of his nails- another bad habit of his.
Without thinking much, Tsukasa held out his hand to him. Rui stopped, looking at the blond with surprise. Hesitantly, he placed his hand in Tsukasa’s. “Don’t pick at your nails, silly… you’re gonna bleed.”
The other nodded softly, his face seemingly tinting light pink. Surely just the light though.
Tsukasa kept Rui’s hand in his own, quietly starting to rub the top of his hand in a repetitive back-and-forth motion. Hopefully the repetitive movement would be comforting. He looked up at the taller boy.
“… Is there something you’re anxious about?” Tsukasa kept his voice softer, and with a genuine tone. Rui’s eyes flicked to the side. “Not particularly, no… I think it’s alright now.”
“M’kay… but if there’s anything bothering you, you can tell me, okay?”
“… Ah, right. Of course.”
Rui ended his words with a smile. Sometimes, Tsukasa noticed, Rui had this… genuine, almost shy smile that’d just barely part his lips. It was one of the most heartwarming things to him- a sign of Rui’s true happiness. This was the smile Rui was currently wearing.
Tsukasa stared at his face, feeling his own shift to a warm smile uncontrollably. He liked seeing Rui happy.
“Tsukasa-“ Rui began, letting the blond realize his current position. Smiling like an idiot up at this man while holding his hand. Tsukasa’s ears burned up, most definitely bright red if his whole face wasn’t already.
“Sorry, sorry-“ His voice rushed, flustered. Rui smirked. He rolled onto his back, putting a faint hand to his forehead. “Taken in by my unbeatable charm, I presume?” He mused. He was clearly joking around, but little did he know that was very much the case.
“Rui!-” Tsukasa began to defend himself, not able to keep out the playful laugh this bit was ensuing. Rui seized the opportunity to pull the hand that’d been holding his own into a Hand-Sandwich, encasing Tsukasa’s much smaller hand in between his own. “Alas! He calls my name in protest, but it is too late, the phantom thief has stolen yet another heart!” He dramatically pulled Tsukasa’s hand with his own to the side of his chest, where his heart would be. Tsukasa couldn’t help but laugh at Rui’s antics.
“Rui, what-“ he tried again, but Rui simply continued his act. “What’s this? Perhaps the Future World Star’s heart has not been fully snatched by my radiance? This won’t do! I’ll have to deploy every evil-phantom-thief tactic I know,” He kept up the mock-theatrical voice.
Tsukasa had his free hand up to his eye, either as if he was wiping tears away or trying to hide his face. Regardless, Rui observed that he was unmistakably red, probably both from laughing and from being flustered. As started to catch his breath, he spoke between dying out laughs and breaths.
“God- Rui, I… Fuck, I am so in love with you.”
Tsukasa had spoke without really thinking. His words were simply compelled by… feeling. He hadn’t even quite noticed what he’d just confessed as he regained himself. Rui on the other hand very much noticed. He could only look up at the blond, almost frozen in position.
After a pause, Tsukasa realized. Meeting Rui’s eyes for only a split second before putting his face in his free hand, “Gh- I’m so sorry about that, I don’t know why I-“
“Tsukasa,” Rui interrupted, but softly. Once Tsukasa moved his hand, looking back at Rui through his bangs, Rui continued. “… It’s fine, really.” He lifted up the one hand of Tsukasa’s he was still holding, uncovering it so he was just lifting it. Gently, he lifted Tsukasa’s hand to his face, planting a small, polite kiss on the top of the other’s hand. “… I’m so in love with you too.”
Tsukasa stared at Rui for a long moment. He still hadn’t even processed his own feelings, let alone the fact that Rui just reciprocated them. His brain had been through so many emotions within the past few hours, that he was left speechless by the current revelations.
He watched Rui’s amber eyes flick away, a subtle shade of pink tinting his cheek. “... Really, I have been for a long while now. I just… never said anything.”
“... Why?”
“... I was scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“That you… wouldn’t like me back, obviously.” Rui pressed his hand over his face, as if hiding it. The blond quietly put his head down, onto his blankets, looking at Rui. His eyes drifted over to their hands, his still intertwined with Rui’s other hand. He blinked slowly.
“... That’s… silly of you.” Was the only response Tsukasa could manage. Rui removed his hand from his face, now looking back at Tsukasa.
There was a short silence between the two, but it felt like an eternity. Thoughts whirled through Tsukasa’s head, but this time not unpleasant ones. He didn’t understand all of them, but he knew he felt… comfort. Happiness.
“... Rui?”
“Yes?”
“... could.. we maybe…. could…. Could I call you my.. Boyfriend?”
“... I think… I’d like that. If.. I could call you mine?”
Tsukasa felt a full, genuine smile spread across his face, tightening his hold on Rui’s hand gently.
“.. That’d be nice.”