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Her sudden laugh fills the room and makes Doggett look at her in a funny way. A little caught by surprise, maybe a little intrigued. It is only then she realizes he has probably never heard that sound coming out of her. She has been in mourning for the past couple of months, after all, and before that there were all the other months when apprehension and anxiety took over her days while looking for Mulder.
With blood flushing her cheeks, Scully looks down at her hands on the desk, plays with her pen with a smile still on her face, then speaks quietly.
“I’m sorry, that probably wasn’t funny. At least not that funny.”
He was telling her about a case to which he was assigned when he was a cop, and it had started as a way of telling her that her theory regarding their current case was wrong, as an example of how things can be much simpler sometimes, but he forgot his true goal while recounting the story and it turned out to be just a simple narration of good memories.
“Well, it wasn’t at the time, but it is now. I mean, I wasn’t expecting such a small dog to be running after me with the sole purpose of biting my ass.”
She looks up at him, smiles once again, then hits her pen on the desk a few times, trying to come to terms with the fact that she enjoys moments like this, that she has been enjoying working with Doggett despite everything. Nevertheless, she can’t shake the feeling that she is somehow betraying Mulder for being able to do her job with somebody else, especially when this somebody else used to be a total pain in the neck.
If anyone had told her back then that the smug, irritating agent with which she was being forced to work would eventually become a reliable partner, she would have laughed even harder than she did just now. Mulder would have laughed. But for Mulder to laugh he would have to still be here, so there would be no situation like this to laugh about in the first place.
She sighs, tries not to get angry about the fact that she is once again thinking of Mulder. Will it ever get easier?
"Agent Scully, is everything okay?"
The question seems to have come out of nowhere, but the sudden water in her eyes is probably what prompted it.
"Yes, I was just…” She wipes her eyes a little and almost doesn’t finish her sentence, but her insides compel her to just let it out, talk to someone for once. “I was just wondering what Mulder would say if he saw me working with you, as I try to put myself in his shoes, understand his mind and act like he would, while you are basically being my past self, skeptic to the bone."
"What do you think he would say?"
"That now I know what it's like to have someone constantly contesting your theories, always giving more plausible explanations than 'monsters', trying to use science or just common logic to say that your approach to the case may not be the correct one, although most times you just know that it is, based on nothing but a hunch that your infinitely open mind has provided you with."
Her voice becomes lower as she reaches the end of her sentence, and she is aware that she is about to digress if she keeps on talking. After all, what she has just said is actually how Mulder was, not how she is; she still has a long way to go when it comes to open-mindedness. Mulder is still so ingrained in her, though, that sometimes it is hard to distinguish whose voice it is in her head, if it is her own or his, where her thoughts end and where his begin.
Gladly, Doggett calls her back to reality before she can fall into a trance that will surely include more images of Mulder and blurry her vision once again.
"And is that a good thing? I mean, I must piss you off most of the time, so I don’t know why you haven’t filed a complaint against me yet."
His tone is playful, light, but she knows it is also a real question, one she hasn’t had to answer even to herself up until now.
"Well, sometimes it can be frustrating, if I’m being honest, but as weird as this may sound, I appreciate it. It keeps me grounded, alert for when I try too hard to be Mulder and see things that aren’t actually there. Sometimes I just forget that I’m not actually him."
He nods in an understanding manner.
"I’m just trying to be a good partner, even though I know I’ll never be as good as he was.”
“You and Mulder are nothing alike, but that doesn’t mean you’re any less good.”
This gets a smile out of him.
“I hope you know that also applies to you, agent Scully. You’re doing a great job, don’t ever doubt that.”
But is she? Although she nods and tries to take his compliment in, she can’t help wondering what would have happened if Mulder hadn’t died, if she hadn’t accepted to inherit his legacy just because no one else would. What would have happened if she had prevented him from going to Oregon instead of just asking Skinner to accompany him? Would they have gotten shut down and assigned to different departments again? Would they still be at the Bureau? Would they still be together? Would he follow her on ultrasounds and act like the dad he was going to be? Would he stop pursuing his truth for the sake of her and their child?
She strokes her swollen stomach, thinks of how difficult it has been to keep this child alive inside of her sometimes, and how huge of a part Doggett has played in helping her with that, especially in those situations where alone she couldn’t protect the two hearts that beat in her. She has thanked him before, but she doesn’t know if he truly understands how much that means to her. She is about to put that into words, but he breaks the silence first.
“Do you think Mulder would have liked me?”
That is a question she wasn’t expecting. She has never pegged Doggett as someone who cared about what others think of him, but apparently he does care, it just depends on who the other person is.
Mulder has never been a subject between them, now that she thinks of it, except when they refer to previous cases, and even in those instances the name is only mentioned if it necessarily needs addressing. It is as if they verbally agreed at some point that it was the right thing to do, even though no words regarding that ever left their mouths.
It takes a moment for her to reply, which makes Doggett speak again.
“I guess that means ‘no’.” He chuckles quietly, but there’s a sad tone to the sound.
“No, I think it’s the opposite, actually. Mulder would have liked you, eventually. He was a believer in people, first and foremost, so once he saw how hardworking and dedicated you are not only to your job, but also to the people around you, there is no way he would hold anything against you.”
“Eventually being the keyword here.” Doggett adds.
Scully chuckles softly.
“Well, you and I didn’t exactly start off on the right foot, so maybe it wouldn’t be too different with Mulder. But then again, I’m only conjecturing. I wish I had that answer for sure.”
I wish he were here so I could ask him, is what she doesn’t say, but it is clear that Doggett can read between the lines.
He nods appreciatively before speaking again, in a low voice this time, almost as if he were ashamed.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t able to bring him back to you alive.”
This comes as a surprise to her. It is the first time she notices that Doggett feels guilty for not keeping a promise he made when he had no idea what he was dealing with. Her heart gets a little heavier with the idea that he has carried it for quite some time without ever saying anything. Maybe he thought the topic was part of one of the clauses of their silent agreement, who knows.
“If there is anyone to blame in this situation, it definitely isn’t you, John.” His given name slips easily out of her tongue, as if she has always called him that and not the formal ‘agent Doggett’ she normally uses to put some distance between them.
His eyes seem to smile as he hears her, but he doesn’t say what went through his mind in those few seconds that triggered his expression. He is silent for a moment instead, and then nonchalantly asks.
“So, what would Mulder say about our current case?”
If he has turned the subject into a different direction in order to avoid a deeper conversation, she can’t tell, but it seems all they had to say, all they could say for now, has already been said, so she just goes along with it.
“Oh, he would definitely have a crazier theory than mine.” She laughs.
“Okay, so let’s stick with yours for a moment and let me see if I can get my head around it.”
They put their professional personas back on as they keep on discussing the case, and although it is indeed frustrating and irritating that he doesn’t see things the way she does, it is also pleasant to notice there is still someone out there interested in getting things done, helping out the best way they can. It is what makes her think that maybe this is truly what Mulder would have wanted, in the end: that she found someone else to trust after he was gone.
Maybe she isn’t betraying him, after all.