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It was getting late while Lizzie, Jack and Rayane were sitting in the Spoon. It was slightly dark outside and the moonlight was already entering the lighted room.
While Lizzie and Jack had kept a low profile all evening. Rayane was taking advantage of Bart's offer to eat and drink at his expense and had therefore filled his belly and was spooning the last of his dessert while Jack and Lizzie rolled their eyes at him.
"What?" he asked in dismay as he brought the last spoonful to his mouth.
He hadn't been hungry in a long time and actually his stomach had started to hurt after ordering almost everything on the menu, but the food seemed to distract him from any conversation this evening.
"You weren't the one buried under the stone. You're really enjoying this, aren't you?" Jack asked, and for a moment Rayane had to swallow. He didn't want to think about it. He ignored the nasty heavy pounding of his heart that was triggered when someone talked about what had happened not too long ago.
He took a deep breath and tried not to let on. The burden was too heavy on him to keep up his facade for Jack. To give him the feeling that everything was good, that everything was normal, while inside him still slumbered the fear of losing the only precious thing he had in life.
"I do. He offered us free food. All of us, I can't help it if you don't want to overdo his offer, but you don't get an offer like that every day!" Rayane replied, pushing the finished dessert a little away from him to rest his arms on the table.
Lizzie grinned a little and rolled her eyes again, but didn't comment further.
"Shall we?" Lizzie said after a short silence.
"Sure!" Rayane said cheerfully and Jack nodded in agreement. His face was tense and yet Rayane ignored the signs.
Together they walked a bit until Jack stopped and put his hand on Lizzie's shoulder.
"Are you going to walk the last bit alone? I'd like to take Rayane for a walk," Jack announced, bringing the corners of his mouth into a small smile.
Lizzie nodded her understanding and kept walking while Jack looked after her and Rayane stopped beside him, watching him as the smile at the corner of his mouth pulled into a small grimace.
"Is everything ok, Jack?" Rayane asked, and he would have preferred not to ask it, because he already knew the answer.
"Rayane," he began to speak and the heavy thumping in Rayane's chest only grew heavier.
"Can we at least sit down while we do this? My stomach hurts from all the food from the Spoon," Rayane made known and Jack nodded curtly, scanning his eyes quickly over the options they had to settle down.
"Let's just sit here by the canal," Jack said and they both made their way to sit on the stones there.
Silence fell and with each passing second Rayane became more nervous. He didn't want to talk about the inevitable. He didn't want to feel the pain anymore.
He fixed his face on the water of the canal, which shimmered in the dark and reflected the moonlight. It had gotten a bit chilly and while his T-shirt was enough during the day, he would have liked a jacket now.
His eyes moved cautiously to Jack's arms, which lay on the cold stones next to him. Goosebumps covered his skin and Rayane reached out to warm his hand, but before he could get there Jack pulled his away and began to speak instead.
"How long are you going to ignore it?" Jack's warm voice broke the silence. His gaze focused on the darkness, while Rayane's eyes were now fixed on his beautiful face, which had revealed its soft features in the moonlight.
"What?" Rayane asked and yet he knew exactly what he was talking about.
"The school collapsed on me and you haven't even asked me how I'm doing since!" Jack blurted out, encapsulating what had been going on between them for the last hours, almost days, after all of it happened.
"I know!" Rayane whispered, looking away from him. The burning of his veins made him feel numb and the longer he looked at him, the more sick he felt.
"You know?" He asked and now it was Jack who fixed his gaze on Rayane. Hopeful and yet there was despair in his features, but Rayane no longer noticed it from the corner of his eye.
“I know. I know it was hard for you. It must’ve been hell. I can’t imagine how you felt!” Rayane answered, but his voice broke before he could say more.
“It was, but what hurts me most is that I need you and you’re shutting down again,” Jack said.
“I-, I’m sorry. I-.. I can’t..,” Rayane tried again, but his voice broke. His heart suddenly in his throat, blocking every sound that wants to escape.
“It seems like you just don’t care. I know you love me. I don’t question it, but-,” he began but sights before he spoke up again. “But I need to talk about it, you know?”
“Of course. But you have Lizzie. She was with you,” Rayane tried to find an excuse to not being able to hear him talk about the pain he must’ve felt while being buried under tons of stone. While being unconscious and while Rayane wasn’t there to protect him.
“I know and it’s good to have her to talk about it.. but I need you,” Jack spoke in a soft voice that created goosebumps on his skin.
His hand touched his and the guilt ate into every pore of Rayane’s tense body.
He couldn't withstand the pressure and stood up. His movements were jerky, but he didn't run away. Instead, he moved back and forth in place. Shaking his hands away from himself to get rid of the feeling of panic inside him that reminded him of how he felt when he found out that Jack, his boyfriend, was staying at the school while the accident happened. While he didn't know if he would ever see him alive again.
[Flashback]
The light was hitting his face and for a moment Rayane snuggled himself back into his bed. Just a little more time in bed before his mother would wake him up, but the knowledge soon flooded his body. His mother wasn't home. The fright made him quickly get out of bed. But his circulation wasn't working and he sat down briefly on the edge of the bed again.
The short vibration of his cell phone distracted him soon and he picked it up from the small nightstand next to his bed and looked at it.
A voicemail and a few messages from Jack. He heard the voicemail first and a big grin lit his face when he heard his soft voice. Nothing could make him feel more alive than getting a message from him after he woke up.
"Dumbhead," he muttered as he slowly made his way to the bathroom, still listening to the voicemail Jack left on his phone, to get ready.
The messages from Jack that came after the voicemail made him giggle briefly as he read it with the toothbrush in his hand.
«Ms. Delcourt made a mistake in class and is now trying to teach us the same thing as last year»
«Get up»
«Do you really need your mother to wake you up in the morning?😂»
«Be glad you're late!»
Rayane read the last message on his phone and a small giggle escaped his throat while he went back to his room to look into his clothes. He put his phone down for a moment and picked something out to get dressed.
After he was ready he headed into the kitchen to quickly grab something to eat. Before he made his way out of the room he heard his phone vibrate. He ignored it, but after a moment it vibrated again, and again.
With a confused look on his face, he stalked back into his room to look at his phone and see the many missed calls from Audrey and Damien. He was just about to call back when the message from Audrey appeared on his screen, causing his ideal little world to collapse.
«There was an explosion at school. Is Jack with you?»
Rayane was sure his heart stopped for a moment, leaving him numb, as if he wasn’t in his body anymore. An explosion in school? Jack was at school. But it couldn’t be. There was a misunderstanding. But even with all the repression in his body he still felt fear. The shock. The anger to not be there with him right now. To know if he is safe.
An unsettling feeling spread through him, his heart beat faster and faster, and soon he had the feeling of being disconnected from reality. A bead of sweat formed at his temples, and it was quickly overtaken by an avalanche of panic triggered by this innocent reminder of the possible loss of another person in his life. A familiar icy fear began to crawl up his spine, triggering the all-too-familiar onset of a panic attack, but he ignored it and his feet finally began to work again. Carrying him fast to the school. Not thinking about his surroundings while he ran across streets without even looking for cars. Bumping against people and things that were in his way, but he couldn’t care less. The only thing he needed to know was if Jack was okay. If he was hurt. If he came too late or if the panic inside him would ever leave him.
[End of Flashback]
Rayane tried to breathe but his lungs couldn’t hold in all the air. His throat began to burn and again he tried to shake off the feeling of losing him but he just couldn’t. He could feel the muscles in his face forming in pain. He could feel the hurtful tickles in his fingertips, reminding him of the control he lost in his own body. And after all he could feel the heavy pumping in his chest. Panic was flooding his body and he couldn’t stop it.
“It should‘ve been me. I should’ve been in there, not you!“ Rayane suddenly blurted out. His hands holding on to his hair while the panic inside him kept rising.
Jack stood up, facing him but he didn’t say anything. His eyes were fixed on him and unreadable, but Rayane lost sight of him while his eyes filled with the salty liquid, that showed how much he tried to hold it together.
„Is this what you wanted to hear? I feel guilty, Jack. I should’ve been there. I should’ve protected you but I was only thinking about me. Not setting a timer despite I knew I wouldn’t be awake for school on time.. I- I’m sorry Jack!“ Rayane’s eyes were fixed on Jack. Hoping for his forgiveness. Hoping for him to cure his fear of losing him. Hoping for him to hold him to show him he was alive. Hoping for him to fill his ears with the warm voice he adored so much and tell him he was fine. But he continued to watch him from afar. His facial expressions mostly hidden by moonlight.
„What?“ Jack bluntly said and his eyes blinked away the disbelief of Rayane’s words.
“I was so afraid of losing you. As if I was paralyzed since I found out you were buried under all those rubble.. I was afraid I would lose another person in my life. But this time I couldn’t live with the guilt of letting you down. Of not protecting you when I should’ve been the person that deserved all the pain, not you..,” Rayane paused to take a look at Jack. At the one thing, that meant so much for him he would give his own life to protect him from more pain.
„N-.. no, don’t say that,“ Jack stuttered and walked closer. His cheeks filled in with a blushed deep red. His hands finally grabbing Rayane’s face, carefully almost as if he could break if he would touch him more.
„I was so worried about you. I just can’t lose you. When you talk about it, you make it real. I don’t ever want to think about how much I failed in protecting you and how much pain you must’ve felt while I wasn’t there. I-.. I just love you so much,“ Rayane repeated the words he wanted to say to him since Jack was stuck inside the school. Since he believed he wouldn’t see him ever again. Since he thought he would never be able to say them ever again.
„I know. I love you too, so much! I was so worried you arrived shortly before the school collapsed.. I couldn’t think straight without you by my side,“ Jack whispered and pulled Rayane’s face up to face him properly. “But I’m so glad you weren’t there. The hope of you waiting outside for me, that was something that held me together. And you know I panicked. I was so afraid of never being able to hold you ever again. I just need you. Please!” Jack begged and Rayane closed his eyes with his words.
Jack’s hands still rested on Rayane’s cheek and their bodys brushed against each other while Rayane could feel his heartbeat rising with every breath.
The panic slowly left his body, exchanging the feeling with the feeling of like-mindedness. Filling his heart with all the love he felt for the man in front of him. Leaving still some fear inside him, but finally he could let go of the panic and breathe in the warm and heavy air Jack’s breath left in front of his face.
They took their moment before Rayane took his hand to finally lead the way back to the apartment. Everyone seemed to be asleep and Lizzie slept on the couch, leaving both of them the privacy to just hold each other. Making sure they touch every possible part of each other while Jack slowly talked about what happened and Rayane finally listened.
When his words were too hard for him to bear, Rayane stroked his skin again with his fingers, feeling the reality of his presence. He felt the wetness on his face, his own tears left, and every now and then his fingertips wiped away the tears that gathered on Jack's face.
“I was so afraid!” Jack announced and Rayane squeezed him tightly against his own body. Brushing his nose against his and resting his forehead against Jack’s.
“I was afraid too!” Rayane whispered. His eyes were closed, but he opened them to finally look into his beautiful eyes. To make sure it wasn’t a dream, that he still was with him.
There was no need for them to kiss. The feeling of his body was enough to feel the endless love in his whole body. Feeling with him more alive than he could ever feel.
When Rayane arrived in Sète he would’ve never thought this was the place he would end up. He fought all his life against his own feelings. He tried to suppress everything inside him. To be the cool and funny guy. To be someone else. To be there for his mother. To be the son his father would’ve wanted. But since he met Jack his wall had crumbled. He finally could be free. He could be himself. He could be the realest version of himself and he found someone that would understand. Someone that truly needed him. Someone that truly wanted him and loved him above all. And Rayane loved him. He loved him deeply since the first time he saw him on school grounds and even if it would never exist like what it was, he would keep the memories of Jack waiting in front of the classroom. The moment he was mesmerized by him and the very first moment he laid his eyes on Jack and could never avert his eyes from him since.