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Lisa looked up from her book, giving up on trying to focus on the words on the page. Everytime she tried to tackle a new sentence she thought about how nervous John had looked before he left, pulling at the bottom of his jacket sleeves as he awkwardly stood at the doorway.
“Want me to tag along?”, She had offered. John shook his head.
“You don’t have to worry.”, He had said despite looking like a picture you might find under worry in the dictionary. “I will be back soon.”
She had shrugged, feigning normalcy despite how this was very much not normal. It’s been weeks since Lisa had moved in with John after that cursed Halloween, and ever since she had not seen John leave the house on his own once. Hell, she practically had to drag him out to make sure he got any sun at all.
At first she tried not to worry. He has always been reserved, enjoying the quiet rather than the bustle of the outside, and Lord knows that man needs some quiet after what he’s been facing. He was going to therapy. She would sit in the passenger seat of the long car rides to the only therapist in the state that wouldn’t try and throw John back into a psych ward. John would gladly wait in the waiting room when she went to her own appointments. They were getting better, they had to be with how hard they were trying.
It was almost familiar to do everything together like this. Nobody blinked an eye when they would walk hand in hand as kids, so tightly knit that people called them twins.
“You say he’s anxious, right? This codependency isn’t healthy. He won’t ever learn to come back into society.”, Her therapist had told her when she explained how they did things.
So when John mentioned going to the store on his own she let him go. This was a good sign. Worrying about it was stupid. She was being stupid. She leans back on the armchair, looking at her book again before she glances at the clock on the wall and sees the time. Shit. Was it really getting that late already?
John has been gone for hours now.
In a way she feels assured that her gut instinct is still not wrong. The worry for her friend eclipses that pride. In all her thirty years, she has known her gut instinct to not be wrong. It was what had saved her and John in that church surrounded by corn. It was what urged her to send letters to John when her neighbors started acting peculiarly. And now…whatever was going on with John she wanted to be there, codependency or not.
Grabbing her coat, she shucks it on over her shoulders before stepping out into the chill December air. She walked in her sneakers, thankful John had shoveled the walkway and sidewalk earlier to get rid of the snow that had hit them. He was done with the task before she even woke up in the morning. She still needed to go buy a pair of boots, her old ones had broken at the soles.
It was a bit of a walk to get to the stores, but she always kept spare change in her inner coat pocket in case she needed to use the bus. Even with John’s car to her disposal she still kept the habit. She finds the nearest stop, tapping her foot as she lit a cigarette and took a deep drag.
The screeching of the bus finally stopping in front of the stop was a welcome one. She quickly put out her cigarette before stepping on board, putting the coins into the fare box. There are a few people on board, but they pay her no mind as she sits in the back, looking out the window with her chin in her hand.
Did John get stranded on the side of the road? Did someone stop him, a police officer? God forbid something dangerous happened to the man again so soon. She was starting to see why John was always worrying all the time.
She almost misses the sight of a familiar white car parked outside of the church.
“Wait! Stop!”, She calls out to the driver who stops the bus on the side, everyone in the bus looking at her in mild confusion at the abruptness. She pays them no mind.
“Thank you!”, she calls out to the driver before she hops off, walking in the direction of the church without a thought. She hasn’t been here in a while. Not since John stopped working there. It was utter bullshit they cut him off, and she couldn’t afford the staff there any respect with the way they pretended he didn’t exist.
The sun was beginning to set. She doubted anyone would be inside. Anyone besides apparently John. She opens the large doors, the wood creaking as she steps inside.
It is warm compared to the chill winter air, and is finely lit with candles. All the pews are empty besides one in the front where a man sits alone, head down on his knees.
“John…”, She says, mostly to herself. She walks closer, her steps echoing in the building, but still the man doesn’t look up. His shoulders are shaking. Her heart breaks.
“Hey.”, She says, intentionally louder as she stands at the end of the row. John’s head shoots up in surprise, his eyes wide before he sees it’s her. He wipes at his red rimmed eyes quickly, turning away.
“Lisa! How did you get here?”, He asks, his voice slightly shaking.
“The bus.”, She says as she sits next to him. She sees a store bag sitting on his lap. So he managed to go after all.
“I-I did not know you still came here…”, John mumbles.
“I don’t.”, Lisa says plainly.
“Then why are you..?”
“I came looking for you. It’s been hours.”, Lisa says. She hesitates. Shit. What if she was intruding? John was a grown man. If he wanted to spend hours crying at church alone then he should get to. He’s earned that much at least. “I can go if you want. I can wait in the car.”
“No!”, John blurts out before his face flushes and he looks down at his lap. “I mean- Please stay.”
“Ok.”, Lisa says.
The two fall into a silence as they sit there. She takes the opportunity to look around. It looked the same as ever. All it needed was John behind the lecture preaching.
“I missed being here.”, John says, as if he read her thoughts.
“Of course you do. This was like your second home…”, She says. He had looked so happy working here, so content. He loved to talk to everyone despite his awkward nature. They all loved him, thinking him to be nice despite his shyness. How quickly they all turned away from him. Now they would speak of his awkwardness as if it was a sign of something more sinister all along.
“I thought…If I went here things would make sense. That I would feel normal again.”, John says. He looks at her, lip quivering. “That is pretty stupid, right?”
“I don’t think so.”, She says with a shrug. “If I had a job I loved I would do the same. But I don’t think you have to worry about feeling normal John. We went through a lot of weird stuff.”
John nods, but doesn’t look like he quite agrees. He looked like he might cry again.
“What did you get at the store?”, She asks, directing his attention to the bag. He blinks before he suddenly attempts to hide it with both of his arms.
“N-Nothing…”, He says. Very convincing he was.
“Is it condoms?”, She asks bluntly.
“N-No!”, He stammers, face instantly growing red. She can’t help but laugh at his indignation which causes him to pout. “I would have no need for those. I am married to the Lord.”
“Ah, of course.”, She amuses. “Then what did you get that you have to hide?”
She tries to guess in her mind. Underwear? Maybe rash cream? There has been a few times ever since she’s known John that the man’s eyes would linger towards dresses, not that she saw anything wrong with it. She eagerly awaits the answer, but John shakes his head.
“It is a surprise.”, He says absolutely. She raises an eyebrow at that and he sighs, defeated. “It is your Christmas present.”
“Oh.”
Christmas. Why hadn’t that dawned on her? It was a few weeks away. Her heart warms at the words, a smile pulling at her lips. He left the house for the first time in months to do that for her? She hugs him, wrapping her arms around him. He freezes in her embrace for a second before he relaxes, hugging her back. It feels like an eternity they stay that way. She doesn’t want to pull away. Slight tremors run through John’s shoulders and she rubs circles over his back.
“I-I went to the store and…everyone was staring at me. They didn’t want me there.”, He says miserably, voice shaking. “A child who went to the church tried to say hello to me. But her mother- she told her I was a murderer and to stay away- that I was crazy…”
“Oh John…”, Lisa says, heartbroken. She’s heard the rumors before. Despite the murders of the Martins being pinned on poor Lisa in the end, people still grasped onto when John was being investigated. Some people still claimed it was him- That he was locked up for a reason. She holds him tighter. “I’m sorry. These people…They don’t know the truth.”
“But they’re right in a way. I am crazy…And Amy- I let her die…”, John says into her shoulder. She can feel her shirt wet with tears but she doesn’t say anything, instead smoothing John’s back.
“You’re not crazy John.”, He opens his mouth to argue but she continues. “Yes you have psychosis, I’m not denying that- but you’ve never hurt someone on your own.”
A sob escapes John, the broken noise surprising her.
“I did.”, John says woefully. “In Garyland. I killed- I killed so many people…”
His sobs echo in the church halls, her blood running cold.
“Demons…?”, She tries to clarify. He shakes his head, another sob leaving him.
“People. I killed them. I didn’t want to. I swear I didn’t.”, He pleads with her to understand, crying miserably. “But I did. I do not deserve to live normally.”
“John…What do you mean?”, She couldn’t understand, feeling frozen at the word’s and the clear agony in John’s voice. “What happened?”
John was no murderer. He was kind and stayed true to his moral values. He was an angel in the literal sense. He clings to her, shaking his head.
“Please…”, She urges him on. She needed to understand, needed to know.
“I was trying to solve a puzzle to go further into the labyrinth…but Gary came behind me and he- he injected me with something. I blacked out. I couldn’t remember anything but awful dreams. But when I woke up…there was blood everywhere. So many bodies- And I did that. I killed them all- They were people too. I’m a monster- I’m crazy.”, John says in a frenzy, words growing in pitch as he finishes his recollection. Lisa takes in the words, her brow furrowing.
“John…That- I’m so sorry. But that wasn’t your fault.”, Lisa says.
“But I-“
“They drugged you. He gave you something awful. That wasn’t your fault.”, Lisa repeats, her hands shaking. The image of John killing people, even in an altered state of mind. No wonder he always looked like he was about to cry these days. What had they given him? She wishes she had seen Gary. She would have decked him for all he put her other half through.
“I-I can’t get it out of my head…”, He says brokenly. He lifts his head and the sight of the tears on his face makes her mourn. She was so tired of seeing John cry. It wasn’t fair. “I’m sorry, Lisa…”
“Don’t be.”, She says firmly. “It would affect any good person John…Whatever they gave you possessed you. It wasn’t you.”
“B-But what if it was?”John asks, frightened.
“It wasn’t. I know you…You are so scared of being someone dangerous. But all I see is you getting hurt by others.”, Lisa says, wiping away his tears. She blinked back tears of her own. “Those people were killed by Gary. Not you. Ok?”
“I-“, John goes to reject it before he hesitates, looking at Lisa before nodding. “Ok…”
“Thank you…for telling me John.”, She says. She never would know what to say after things like this. But her therapist said it was a good thing to say after.
“No. Thank you for being here, even when I’m hard to bear. I always unload things on you. It is not fair.”, John says, wiping at his eyes. “I want to live normally with you. You deserve a normal life.”
“John you’ve kept this to yourself for a month. I don’t think that’s unloading anything on me.”, She says honestly. “It worries me, that you keep things like this to yourself. It’s not hurting me when you’re honest. I just want to see you happy.”
“I still don’t think I can be…”, John says miserably. He said that last time, on the night they both came back bloody from the Profane Sabbath. He had cried in her arms. She leans over, kissing his temple.
“You need more time.”, She says. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. Anyone who went through what we did…especially you- They would need more time. And you’re doing amazing. You’re actually trying. So give yourself a break, ok?”
“Ok…”, John says after a moment. He sniffles slightly. “Sorry.”
“If you apologize one more time-“
“I know, I know-“, He says, voice still wet from tears but a slight twitch of his lips peaks through. She smiles a bit.
“Join me for a prayer?”, Lisa asks. “It is the perfect place for it after all.”
“Ok.”, He says.
“You lead.”
He nods before he bows his head, his shoulders touching hers as he holds out his hand. She places into his, bowing her own head and smiling when she hears him start to recite a prayer from memory. He was an expert at this, and right where he belonged.
When he finishes, she asks for another. He gladly does so, no more tears in his eyes and the worry on his face gone.
It is dark when they leave the church together, still holding hands. That night, when they slip into bed, John is the first to fall asleep. For the first time in weeks he doesn’t shake from nightmares.
“Good morning.”, Lisa sing-songed as John blearily opened his sleep filled eyes, confusion clear on his face.
“Lisa?…”, He sleepily says. He sits up, looking around until his eyes land on the clock on the wall. His eyebrows scrunch up. “It is seven…You are never up this early…”
“Well yeah. It would be too early to wake up on a normal day. But today is special.”, She says, smiling. It was true John woke up earlier than her most days, but she was so excited her body must have set an internal alarm for her, not that she minded.
“Today?…”, He asks, confused before he blinks dumbfounded. “Did you…seriously wake me up early for Christmas?”
“I didn’t wake you up.”, She defends. Ok, maybe she did nudge him a few times, but it wasn’t her fault the priest was a light sleeper. She tugs the blanket off the man, grabbing onto his hand and pulling him up which causes him to groan. “But now that you’re awake- it’s time for presents.”
“You are a child.”, John says but swings his legs to the side of the bed, standing and following her to the living area, hand still in hers.
The room is dimly lit by the barely rising sun filtering in through the curtains and the soft light of the Christmas tree. The two had set it up, adding lights and ornaments and strings of popcorn they had put together as they watched “It’s a Wonderful Life” airing on TV. John had cried during the movie, and Lisa had eaten most of the popcorn meant for the string. It was nice.
Two wrapped presents sat under the tree, one wrapped in blue and one wrapped in green. They really had made their favorite colors their personalities haven’t they?
“Yours first”, They both turn and say at the same time.
“No no, I insist. Open your present first.”, Lisa says.
“Ladies first.”, John says.
“Seriously John-“, Lisa says amused before she picks up the present wrapped in blue and shoves it into John’s hands. “Open it.”
John looks like he might protest before he looks down at the box in his hands, shifting it in place before he sighs and lets out a smile. He peels at the wrapping, Lisa trying not to bounce in place as he looks inside.
“Oh wow!”, He says, his mouth shaped like an o. “This is amazing!”
“I knew you would like it.”, Lisa says proudly. It wasn’t hard to guess, not when John had looked transfixed everytime the ad played on the TV. John held the NES in his hands like it was something holy. She snorts at the mental image but John doesn’t notice, examining the game station in his hands before looking at her.
“This must have cost a fortune!”, He says worriedly. “Are you sure it is ok? We can return it-“
“John, it's your present, of course I’m sure! And besides- Who's to say I didn’t get it for the both of us?”, She says. John hesitates before noting the two controllers, his eyes lighting up even more. God, she wished she had a camera.
“Thank you.”, He says earnestly, his face beaming. She blinks, a smile spreading across her face.
“Of course John. Merry Christmas.”, She says.
He puts the game system down gently before he goes and picks up the present wrapped in green, holding it out to her.
“It..It isn’t much. But- I hope you like it, Lisa.”, He says, eyes cast down.
“John. You let me stay in your house like a freeloader. You didn’t even have to get me anything.”, Lisa points out.
“It’s our house.”, John said Like he did everytime she said something like that.
“Ok, sure. But John- I’d like anything you’d give me.”, She says honestly. “You could give me a sock and I’d hang it up in a frame.”
“It is not a sock.”, He says quickly as if to reassure her.
“It was just a metaphor-“, She says with a slight laugh. He was always so literal, but she was used to it. Just another endearing part of him. “Can I open it now?”
“Yes!”, He blurts out, watching closely as she tears at the wrapping paper, opening the box. She peers inside.
“Oh.”
Inside were a pair of boots. They were a deep army green with thick soles. The sides were made from what looked like real leather and the insides were inlined with fur that looks soft to the touch. She thinks she could hike for weeks in the mountains with these and they would still look as new as they were in the box with all the snow brushed off.
“S-Sorry…If you don’t like them, we can return them. I just thought- You mentioned how your old boots were broken.”, John is stumbling over his words, disappointment and embarrassment clear in his voice.
“No.”, She quickly says. She had mentioned it once the second day she had stayed over, when they brought all her stuff in and she lamented about the coming snow. And he remembered.
“Lisa?”
“They’re perfect John.”, She says earnestly, smiling. “Thank you.”
He breathes out a sigh of relief, smile back on his face.
“Of course. Merry Christmas, Lisa.”, He says. They sit there on the couch for a second, just them and their new presents in their laps. It feels nice. She hasn’t had a good Christmas in a while, and judging from the way life has treated John these last few years she doubts he wouldn’t feel the same.
“You want to try out the Nintendo, don’t you?”
“Yes please-“