Archive of Our Own

The bathroom was nice. Everything that Darius owned was nice. 

The couches, the carpets, the blankets on the beds, the purple tiles on the bathroom floor. Even the thin film of dust that had settled over the house after months of absence seemed different. Darius had rushed to tidy up as soon as he had invited Hunter into his home, saying how it wouldn't be very proper for a first impression to be something that might cause him to sneeze. Hunter had chuckled at the time, it had seemed silly how worried the man was over such a thing but warmth had also settled over his heart. 

He wouldn’t admit it but he liked the fretting, the attention, the care. Did that make him selfish? Hunter tried not to think too hard about it.

The last time he thought too hard, he had just seen his reflection in the mirror for the first time and then spent the rest of the evening in Darius’ arms, sitting on the bathroom floor. Humiliation washed over him at the memory as he stared at his scars once again, repeating to himself that he wouldn’t freak out this time. He needed to take a shower, he couldn't run away from his own body as much as he wanted to these days. 

But someone else was staring back from the bathroom mirror. It was him but also not. It wasn’t the same person who had so proudly declared ‘I like who I am now’. That was taken away from Hunter and replaced with hatred carved onto his flesh by someone who was supposed to love him. 

And now, standing in this bathroom with its nice purple tiles and golden accents on the sink? He looked out of place, a blemish that had no place and no right to be here. 

Tears pricked at his eyes and he quickly brushed them away. He won’t cry, he won’t.

He didn’t want Darius and Eber to see his puffy, tear-stained cheeks and give him those sad looks of theirs. All he’s done the past few days was make them sad and worried, and that ends now. He wouldn’t be such a burden and a nuisance that he couldn’t even take a shower. 

Fast in and out, just like he did back at the castle where warm water was not a constant and he couldn't have allowed himself such luxuries like long showers when there was work to do. So he gripped the edges of the shower curtain and watched the water pour. It was just a liquid, there was nothing special about it as it streamed down into the drain. So why did it seem so strange, so foreign? Why did it seem repulsive and smelling of rot? 

Hunter felt his mind drift away from him so he grabbed it and put it back where it belonged. He had a job to do, to look presentable and proper, not like a stray that Darius found on his doorstep even though that’s exactly what he was. 

He quickly let the water wash over him. A mistake. 

Coldness as sharp as a blade sliced through his skin. The water was dragging him down, filling his lungs, making him her own. It tasted like rot and cadaver, like his uncle’s cutting words and the blood that filled his mouth every time he’d made a mistake worthy of punishment. He had choked on his own blood before, it had felt like death because he had been dying. The cut on his cheek had been too deep, parts of the flesh missing and on the stone floor beneath him. And parts of his flesh were missing now too, he felt them be eaten away by Belos’ curse and it wasn’t just the water that claimed him for her own. 

His uncle’s last ditch effort to get back what belonged to him, what his hands had created. But Hunter wouldn’t allow it. He’d rather drown this flesh than let it be taken and used against his will until there was nothing left. He won’t belong to him, not in death. 

And yet he was scared, he didn’t want to die and feel his body lose all warmth as he sank in the murky waters. For his vision to lose all focus as moonlight was replaced by darkness. He didn’t want to die but he had to. 

Hunter let out a silent cry and stumbled backward, trying to put a distance between himself and the shower. His back hit the cupboard beneath the sink and he felt sharp pain spread across his spine. He couldn’t breathe, his lungs felt like they were drowning in liquid once again and he wanted to reach into his chest and pull them out. The weight of them was killing him, the pain wouldn’t stop. 

“Dar…Eb…” he choked out but the pouring water was drowning out all sound. No one would come for him, he was alone. He was back at the castle, back at the lake, back at every place where calling out for help never worked. 

Slowly he folded himself, his forehead pressed against the tile floor as he continued his struggle to breathe. There were better places to die and worse ones too. 

------

There was a hand on his hair, smoothing it back continuously, and a hand on his chest too, a smaller one. He felt warm and surrounded by something soft. Was death supposed to feel this way? It was too nice, he hardly thought it would be nice or that there would be something after it at all. 

Hunter opened his eyes slowly, his eyelids felt heavy as lead and his vision was cloudy. This wasn’t the bathroom or some weird afterlife. It was his room, with its star-painted ceiling and the plush blankets that were currently tucked all the way up to his chin. 

“Eber, he is waking up!” 

That sounded like Darius’ voice, nice and soothing, and Hunter quickly tried to turn his head towards him. 

“Easy, little wolf, easy. Don’t strain yourself, we are here.”

Eber made a sound in confirmation, his furry hand continuing to rest on Hunter’s chest, right over his heart. The smaller demon smiled at him and then gently nuzzled his cheek, greeting him into consciousness. 

“What happened?” Hunter asked, his voice hoarse. He knew very well what happened but he didn’t know how he ended up here, in his bed, in between Darius who sat on one of the chairs, and Eber who was snuggled next to him. 

“We found you collapsed in the bathroom,” Darius said, the worry dripping from his words and right onto Hunter’s heart. He said to himself that he wouldn’t make his guardians sad and he did exactly that…again. He felt like crying.

“Heard harsh breathing,” Eber nuzzled Hunter’s cheek again, the soft fur tickling his ears, “We brought you here. Tucked you in.”

“I see…” was all Hunter could say, all the while he barely held back his tears. He wasn’t alone, he wasn’t at the castle or sinking in that lake. He was in between two people who cared how he felt and where he was, and who wouldn’t leave him to choke on his own breath. 

Hunter thought he was used to people caring about him after months in the human realm. Seems like old habits die hard. 

“You don’t have to talk about it, I can see you are still tired but what happened?” Darius asked as he continued to smooth back his hair. 

He debated whether to talk about this right now, it was all too fresh and they weren’t pressuring him to spill all his secrets. Hunter still spilled some of them though, in a different fit of panic some days ago but never told them the full story. He didn’t feel ready to put it into words, not then and not now. 

“Nothing much, just bad memories. They come and go sometimes.”

“Nothing much? Do you know what triggered them at least?” 

Hunter let out a deep sigh and looked down at the blanket, trying to avoid eye contact. The reason for his panic sounded pathetic as it was something so mundane and simple. But what if he had a fit next time too? What if he is unable to take a shower at all? 

“It was the water. I stood under it and…remembered something, and got scared. That’s all.”

Darius didn’t buy his nonchalant attitude judging by the worried lines on his forehead. The man seemed lost in thought for a moment, trying to work with the sparse information that Hunter was providing. Was he thinking of solutions? Or was he going to say to suck it up and stop being whiny? 

Those irrational fears refused to leave him be no matter how many times Hunter told himself that Darius and Eber wouldn’t just tell him to shut up and deal with it. They would have left him on the bathroom floor otherwise, shivering in a pool of his own tears. 

“Well then, we’ll think of something,” Darius said suddenly, cutting off Hunter’s train of thought, “I can help wash your hair in the sink, and the rest you can do with a washcloth. Or if you come up with something else? You can do whatever you are comfortable with.”

And that was that. It was still a novelty how simple things could be, how issues were not dragged out and he wasn’t being reminded again and again, how much of a nuisance his existence was. 

“Everything alright, little wolf?”

“Yeah, I am just tired,” Hunter said and readjusted his blanket, “And I’m sorry for freaking out like that.”

“No need to be. After everything that’s happened, freakouts are to be expected from all of us,” Darius stated and exchanged knowing looks with Eber, “Now, it’s best that you rest. There’s a couple more hours before dinner.”

Hunter gave them a nod but despite feeling better now, anxiety was still gripping his thoughts. He knew that this was not going to be the last time such a freak out happened and he was going to be hurled back to that moment at the graveyard every time he tried to take a shower or a bath or if he went for a swim. 

He had to do something about this, to purge this weakness so it’s one less burden he and his guardians had to carry. There were already enough of those. 

------

Lake Lacuna was special. It’s not that it was the biggest or the deepest, it wasn’t the warmest or the coldest either. But its shores glistened in a way no others on the Isles did. 

On another day, Hunter would have been sitting on the sand, examining the pieces of lake glass that made this place so unique. He was never able to appreciate the beauty of the Isles before, having to jump from location to location quickly, with a mind occupied only by his missions. Now with his newfound freedom, he could go anywhere.

But here he was. Feet buried in the sand, fists clenched and gazing at the calm waters as if they were evil incarnate. He could not see the beauty in any of it, just the danger and the cold feeling of dread. 

It was a bad idea, he knew that but this was a fear he had to face as soon as possible. Hunter could not stand the thought of letting Belos influence every single part of his life, to feel his claws still sunk into his very existence. He already took so much away and even after his death, he continued to take and take and it felt like there would be nothing left in the end. 

Not that there was anything left now, Hunter felt so utterly empty in a way he couldn’t even put into words. And he was supposed to be happy now, reunited with people who cared about him and with friends who would always guard his back. 

He knew that and yet he didn’t tell Eber and Darius what he was planning, he didn’t tell his friends either and lied that he was going to go home early. All so he could come here alone, deal with this like a soldier would, and get it over it. Sounded simple and he dealt with many things this way back in the castle. 

Cheek split apart, stitch it back, and continue working. 

His ribs bruised, stop crying and kneel for your Emperor. 

A hand broken, don’t whine and face your punishment. 

He took a step towards the lake and then another one, and another one until he was knee-deep. 

It felt like death. 

Hunter stood frozen in place, shivering but not from the cold, and trying to will his body into taking more steps into the water until it was deep enough to swim. Why is this so hard?! He survived all alone on that frozen mountain when he was barely older than Gus and now a lake was his biggest enemy. Belos was right, he was weak and pathetic, and a sorry excuse for a-

Suddenly he heard shouting from behind, splashing and someone grabbing him by the shoulders. He quickly turned and tried to push whoever it was away, the instincts of a soldier almost causing him to deck this person right in the face.

Darius blocked his fist on time with his abominations and for a moment both of them stood completely silent, only their breathing making a sound. Hunter forgot where he was, forgot the fear that had been gripping his very being because now it was replaced with a new one. 

He almost punched Darius in the face…this couldn’t get any worse. But before he could utter a thousand apologies, his mind already drifting towards being kicked out for this transgression, he heard a sigh. 

“Titan, let’s get you out of here because we need to have a talk. A long one.”

The next moments passed in a blur of walking the length to the shore, his mind drifting between fear and confusion, and feeling the warmth of the hand that was holding his and guiding him out of the lake. 

And once out of the water, he could think again. It was like the fog had dissipated and he could finally understand what had just transpired, where he was and who were the people in front of him. 

The urge to apologize was back and it seemed like a better option than standing there silently, looking at the sand. 

“I am sorry,” he muttered but he could do better. That kind of an apology would have never worked before, not without a lot of kneeling and groveling, and promises which he then failed to fulfill, “I-”

“If you are apologizing for almost punching me? No need to, it’s my fault I grabbed you like that and you couldn’t have known who it was,” Darius said and was then elbowed by Eber who growled something at him, “And…I admit I panicked when I saw you in the water after what happened recently.”

Hunter looked at him incredulously, trying to understand where this conversation was even going, “So you are not mad?”

“Oh, Hunter. I may not be mad but I am feeling plenty of other things,” he crossed his arms and tried to ignore the squelching of his soaked boots as he paced around, “But I am not going to ‘interrogate’ you before I know you are not hurt.”

Hunter shook his head. He was not hurt…not physically at least but that’s not what Darius was asking about.

“Fantastic, now tell me why were you knee-deep in the lake? And I am not taking ‘fishing’ as an explanation.”

“I…” he opened and closed his mouth, trying to find the proper words. This wasn’t supposed to happen, he was supposed to deal with this on his own and no one was going to ever find out, “I was going for a swim.”

“And you thought that was a good idea after what happened the other day? Hunter, you could have drowned, I can't believe you were so-”

“Selfish? That's what you wanted to say, right?” he hissed and regretted his words as soon as he said them. What was wrong with him, why was he antagonizing the people who wanted to help him? Why couldn’t he just tell the truth?

“Reckless... I was going to say reckless.”

It was as if the other option never even occurred to Darius. But Hunter was selfish, he knew that. Only selfish kids lied to their friends, hid things from their guardians, and made them worry with their antics. He just wanted to deal with this on his own and yet he couldn’t even do that. 

Hunter looked down again, unable to bear the shame he felt and just waited for whatever happened next. It was a weird sort of deja vu to be at a beach again, waiting for what follows next like all those months ago with the Entrails. A lot of things had changed since then and yet it also felt like nothing had changed at all. Disaster followed him wherever he went. 

But disaster did not follow this time as Darius approached him slowly and placed a hand on his forearm, in a way Hunter could see exactly what he was doing. 

“We don’t know everything you might be going through and I don’t have all the solutions, or answers but let us help. And if not us? Then your friends,” he said quietly and placed Hunter’s palm in between his hands, squeezing it gently, “You don’t have to suffer in silence anymore.”

He knew that, he’s heard it from the others too and yet it was hard to silence the voice in his head, the one that told him how everything would go wrong, that he is the most awful person to ever exist and how it would be better if he never opened his mouth again. But feeling Darius’ hands on his, hearing his simple but reassuring words gave him a bit of clarity. 

Hunter lifted his head up and looked at Darius before turning away towards the lake. He stood stiffly and his fists were clenched, trembling ever so slightly before he finally sighed and his shoulders slumped. 

“You know what the saddest part is?” he asked no one in particular, “The longest ‘conversation’ me and Belos ever had was when he taunted me in my own mind and I screamed, and cried at him to stop. And the longest he has ever paid attention to me was when he was forcing me to fight my friends and t-to kill Flap. Turns out I’ve never been loved but this was when I realised it fully…”

Darius’ breath hitched at his words and he placed a hand on his shoulder gingerly. The boy did not cry, did not shout in anger. Instead he was silent, his gaze still fixed on the calm lake waters as if he wanted nothing more than to let them take him. But now he had people who would make sure his feet were firmly anchored on the shore. 

“I did come here to swim, it wasn’t a lie. I just wanted to feel normal and not let him take yet another thing away from me. So if I managed to deal with this? Then I wouldn’t be afraid of the water, I would be able to take a shower and you two wouldn’t have to find me lying on the floor again, barely breathing...”

Hunter tried to keep his voice steady but he must have failed because he felt a furry hand finally grab his. Eber, who had kept a distance, was now by his side as well and along with Darius kept him firmly grounded. 

The truth was finally out but he wasn’t sure what he felt. He continued looking at the lake as if it would provide the rest of the answers but it was never going to give him what he wanted. Maybe he should have known from the name. Lacuna. It meant unfilled space, a gap. One that resided in his heart as well and no amount of reckless decisions would have made it feel whole. 

“Hunter, can I give you a hug?” Darius said suddenly, filling the silence they had settled in. 

He looked at the man, at his earnest but sad expression, and at the reassuring hand on his shoulder. Hunter wanted nothing more now so with a nod, he let himself be wrapped in a hug. 

It was warm and it chased the chill away from his bones. Eventually he felt one hand settle on the back of his head, holding it tenderly and another started lightly threading fingers through his hair. Eber had taken his usual place on Dairus’ shoulder and everything felt perfect, complete. They stayed like that for a while until Hunter’s breathing was no longer all over the place and he was not trembling anymore. 

“Feeling better?” 

“Yeah,” he lifted his head away from Darius’ chest and looked at him and Eber, “No more throwing myself in the lake, I promise.”

“Oh, you better because there’s only so much muck I can handle entering my boots,” Darius made a noise of mock disgust before letting out another sigh, “Though, I don’t think we are finished here yet.”

“What do you mean?”

“I know you are not one to give up easily, little wolf, and this is going to bother you. So I have a proposition,” he paused for a bit before gathering his thoughts and continuing, “How about we do what we should have done from the beginning. Me, helping you swim and deal with this fear in a way that is not dangerous.”

“I…but, I don’t want to both-”

“Don’t say what I think you are going to say. We offered you our home and promised to take care of you, remember? We want to be  ‘bothered’, no matter how big or small, and this?” he lifted his hand away from Hunter’s hair and gestured towards the lake, “It isn’t a small thing! What kind of pare- guardians would we be if we just left you on your own?”

“Shitty ones?” 

“Precisely!” Darius smiled in agreement before settling his hand back on his hair, “So what do you say? We can do it now or another day.”

He was not sure what to say. This whole afternoon had been a rollercoaster of emotions and part of him wanted to go home and crash on his bed, and contemplate how harebrained his plan was. Worse than the time he and Luz thought they could take on Belos in their pjs and with rakes.

But another part of him still wanted to do it now and get it over with. Take back some of that control he lost and maybe he wouldn’t feel like everything is slipping through his fingers like sand. It was worth a try. 

“Alright, I want to do it now.”

“You sure, cub?” 

“Yeah, I feel better. And Darius will be with me, right? He will keep me safe.”

Hunter didn’t miss the kind of effect his words had. Darius smiled brightly and brought him closer again for another full hug. He meant every word he said, from the bottom of his heart because now, when he looked at Darius, he didn’t feel uncertainty or confusion. He felt safe, protected, held. As if none of the troubles of the world would reach him, not even the ones that had already sunk their claws into him. 

“Very well then. You and Eber wait for me here so I can go and change. The wet socks are becoming very uncomfortable.”

Darius gave him another hair ruffle before letting go of the hug and teleporting away. It was just him and Eber now but the silence was comfortable. He still wasn’t sure how to talk to them, feeling quite awkward when Darius wasn’t around but the demon had witnessed him hitting all sorts of lows lately. Guess any awkwardness just melted away once you panic in front of your guardians one too many times. 

Eber didn’t wait for Hunter to make an attempt at small talk and just patted the sand next to him, beckoning him to sit down. As soon as he managed to make himself comfortable on the fine pebbles, Eber pointed at his own hair and at Hunter’s hand. It was quite clear what the demon was permitting him to do and as soon as his hand sank into Eber’s fur, he felt himself relaxing even more. 

If he hadn’t decided to jump into the water earlier, it was almost as if this was nothing more than a calm day at the beach. Maybe they could have one of those someday and just the thought of it made him smile. 

“By the way, how did you two know where I was?”

“Darius tried to call, he wanted to know what you wanted for dinner. You didn’t pick up, called your friends and they said you were home early but you weren’t. So I tracked you down.”

“Oh, thorns. My friends are probably mad at me, I’ll need to apologize later...”

“Not mad, worried. But yes, call them later.”

Eber was right, he couldn’t leave them in the dark either even if they wouldn’t pressure him to talk about it. But later, he would talk to them later when he was done here. 

He went back to petting Eber’s fur and they stayed like this until Darius came back. By then Hunter’s rhythmic hair pats had lulled the demon a bit and they made quite the disgruntled noise when their brother teased them and told them that they could continue this at home. He and Hunter had some swimming to do. 

“You ready?”

“Is that a trick question?” he tried to make a joke but the way Darius looked at him, it might have sounded less like one. 

“Hunter, if you are not-”

“I am! And besides, I didn’t put on this swimsuit for nothing!”

“You know, I was wondering where you got it. The pattern is…interesting.”

Hunter looked at the mess of colors and shapes on his shorts and smiled. Luz had told him that they had “80s bowling carpet vibes” and whatever that meant, he liked it a lot. 

“It sure is. Camila bought them for me when we all went to the lake some months ago.”

“You had fun?”

“Yeah and it was my first ‘beach day’ too!” he exclaimed but his smile soon turned into a frown when he remembered where he was right now, “Guess this is the second one…”

“Then let’s turn it into something more pleasant,” Darius quickly offered his hand for Hunter to take, “We’ll take it slow, and if you want to leave? We leave.”

He took a deep breath and took the offered hand, “You won’t let go?”

“No, never again.”

This is all he needed to hear and slowly but surely, they went back in after Eber gave them a wave. The temperature was pleasant enough, the lake was still calm but the feelings of dread were back by the time the water reached his waist. He quickly stopped, not wanting to go further as he wasn’t ready yet. 

Darius looked back at him and nodded, moving his hands to support his arms, “Alright, for now, all you need to do is kneel a little with me and let the water reach your neck. We’ll stay like this until you can calm your breathing.”

“My breathing is fine!”

“Unless you just ran a marathon? No, it isn’t and I can feel you trembling, little wolf.”

He really couldn’t pretend he was alright, no matter how hard he tried. The only thing keeping him from fully freaking out was the hands holding his upper arms so he looked at Darius, trying to concentrate on the way his abomination hair moved and on how bright his eyes looked. It was distracting enough, at least until he felt more ready to let this infernal liquid surround him. 

“Ready? I’ll be holding you the entire time.”

Hunter nodded and continued to stare at the abomination bubbles, trying not to acknowledge that he now felt the water all around him. His breathing became even more erratic but he wasn’t about to faint, not again, not now. 

“Take deep breaths with me, just like before.”

Easy to say, harder to do but he tried his best. He closed his eyes and tried to think how this water didn’t smell of rot and decay, it wasn’t deep and cold and he wasn’t alone. Darius was holding him firmly and promised he wouldn’t let go. 

Deep breaths, in and out just like when Gus helped him back at Hexside and when Luz held him through a panic attack. There were people who would support him now, the ones who pulled him out of the water and let him lean on them as he grieved.

Soon enough, Hunter felt less faint. He opened his eyes and saw Darius whose hands were still holding him and providing the comfort he needed. 

“Better?”

“I-I think so.”

“Well, your breathing is more even at least but you are still trembling,” Darius moved him a bit closer as if he was offering a hug, “Let me hold you closer.”

Hunter didn’t need to be told twice, he quickly latched onto him and felt so much better like this. He couldn’t see his face but could feel the arms embracing him and that was more than enough. The dread was replaced by warmth and soon the water didn’t feel like tar. He could even look at the horizon over Darius’ shoulder and finally see its beauty unlike before. 

They stayed like this for a while and the sound of the breeze across the surface was starting to lull him a little. 

“You are doing very well, little wolf. I think you are ready for the next step.”

"I am?" 

"Oh, don't worry. I'm not going to have us dive for bone mussels or anything like that, but there's something I want you to see."

He wanted to stay like that for a bit longer but Darius' offer sounded tempting. Whatever it was, it would probably be just as nice as floating in his embrace. 

"What should I do?" 

"Same thing we are doing now but you'll be floating on your back instead. And I'll still be holding you, don't worry."

Despite the assurances, his heart rate still picked up and he's sure Darius felt it too. Every new step was a challenge but he's come far, at least it felt like he did. He could do one more step. 

"Ok, I'm ready. I think."

It took some manoeuvring but eventually his head was on Darius' shoulder and his back against his chest, and he could look up and see a sky peppered with stars. The sun was starting to set and they were finally becoming visible. It was beautiful, he could even see some constellations forming. 

"The other day you were talking about this 'Cosmic Frontier' of yours and how humans travelled the stars. Well, I might not be able to offer a trip there but I can offer this."

Darius sounded like he was offering something small and ‘not good enough’, and Hunter wanted to laugh at the notion because it felt like he was just given the sky. He was speechless, marvelling at the view and letting himself be weightless in this embrace. 

If only his old self could see him right now, the one who was ready to bury himself from shame and believed the best he could do was die for someone who never even loved him. He wasn’t sure if Darius or his friends did, he was too afraid to ask but right now he felt loved. By the sky, the water, and the person who was holding him in between them.

“Thank you,” Hunter whispered and looked at Darius in adoration, “I wouldn’t have been able to do this without you.”

“Oh, don’t give me so much credit, little wolf. This bravery was all yours and I’m proud of you.”

A slight flush colored his cheeks at those words and he would be thinking of them for weeks to come but it was not the time to be bashful. He really wanted to express his gratitude. 

“Still, you are the one who’s been holding me for the past hour. So I’ll say thanks till you accept it or you are just proving Eber right.”

“Have you and Eber been gossiping behind my back?”

“Maybe,” he smiled in mischief and chuckled, “But he did say you have trouble accepting compliments so…”

“Oh, then remind me to take my revenge later. Can’t have him spilling my secrets cause next thing you know, Eda will be making fun of me for something or other.”

Darius was smiling as he said this ‘threat’ and Hunter’s chuckle turned into a full-on laugh. It took some time before both of them managed to calm down and while they could truly stay like this for hours, it was getting late. The stars were not dim anymore and twilight was quickly approaching so it was time to go home. 

And this time the walk back to the shore wasn’t a blur of emotions and panic. He felt relaxed, assured, and as if he let some of his troubles sink to the bottom instead of himself. There was a future to look forward to and he knew he wouldn’t be alone even when things seemed impossible.