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Pamela held a hand over her mouth as she stared out the bus window, the glass pane foggy from the frigid air outside. Her throat was tight, tears burning in her eyes that she refused to shed.
Crying on the bus is so stupid, atleast wait until you get home.
She sniffed, wiping her eyes and almost laughing to herself as she felt like a little girl doing it. Definitely not something she should be doing now that she was a sophomore in high school.
“Pammy? Are you ok?”
Pam’s attention jerked away from the window and towards the person leaning over the bus seat in front of her, fiery red hair dulled in the dim light of the bus.
“Yeah, I’m all good Brenda. Thanks though.” Her throat tightened again even as she said it, but she gave a smile she hoped looked convincing.
Brenda’s eyebrows lowered in concern and Pam came to the conclusion that it was probably not convincing enough. Brenda was also just extremely good at dissecting Pam, she’d always had a knack for figuring people out. And she was one of the people Brenda knew the best.
Her red hair disappeared behind the seat and then peeped around the side. She glanced toward the driver, before moving to sit beside Pam. Her plaid skirt crumpled onto the dingy leather of the seat.
“Pam, your eyeliner is smudged. Were you crying? What’s going on?”
Pam smacked herself internally, reaching up and trying to rub the makeup she could only assume was streaking down her cheeks. “Oh uhh…”
“Oh girl you only made it worse- let me help,” murmured Brenda, reaching over and gently cleaning up her face with soft hands. Brenda’s blue eyes were focused on Pam’s face, and.. her touch was so soft.
Pam felt her face grow warm under her fingers.
“There. That should be better,” said Brenda decidedly, retracting her hands now smeared with a bit of inky black. It contrasted with the pearly white nail polish on her nails, the tips filed to perfection.
Pam cleared her throat, looking down and fidgeting with her own hands, looking at the chipped black polish with a weird feeling in her stomach.
“Now.. come on, what’s bothering you Pammy? If it was that one boy in social studies who laughed during your presentation I’ll murder him for you, no other questions asked.”
Pamela actually laughed now, looking up. Brenda smiled at her perking up, cheeks tinged pink and continued, “His hair is so greasy all I’d need to do is strike a match in his vicinity and he’d go up in flames anyway.”
Pam giggled, feeling guilty about the vivid mental image that popped into her head of that. “Stop- stop no murdering - all murder plans are reserved for Thomas.”
Brenda put on a fake scowl, even though the dimples in her cheeks were showing. “oooh yes, I’ll add that method to the list for him.”
The tightness in Pam’s throat lessened a little bit as Brenda dissolved into giggles, leaning into Pam’s shoulder, over the mock seriousness when talking about her douchey ex that the girls blamed literally anything unfortunate on for fun.
But then Brenda started “If it isn’t that though, what’s going on?” Her words were muffled into Pam’s shirt, and she looked down at the top of her friend’s head.
“I- uh, just some stuff with Marco. My dad’s mad at him because he keeps coming home drunk.. it’s not that big of a deal but the house is just more tense lately, y’know?”
Brenda straightened, seeming to examine Pam again.
She readjusted herself, hoping Brenda wouldn’t see through her again this time, She wasn’t lying, last night Marco had come home hammered early in the morning and the yelling from her father and mother that ensued made sure she didn’t get any sleep past 4am, but that wasn’t the reason she’d been crying into the window. She had cried some that morning though, because of that.
Shit. Why am I such a mess today? Crying like 5 times on a random Wednesday, I thought I was better than this.
She focused back on Brenda and was taken a bit by surprise by the sympathy there. Her voice was low as she asked, “Really?-“
Her lips tightened. Not really. I couldn’t ever tell you really why, not yet.
The pang in her stomach at the mere thought of telling her caused Pam to reconsider.
Maybe not ever.
I shouldn’t drag Brenda into my mess when I don’t even understand it myself. I’m probably just misinterpreting feelings anyway.
“Shoot I’m so sorry Pam, I know I don’t have an older sibling but I understand how hard that’d be with tension in the house. I hope things settle down soon. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.”
Pam gave a grateful smile. “Thanks Bren. I’m sure it’s gonna sort out soon. My mom can normally talk some sense into them once they’re holding the grudge for a stupid long time.”
Brenda nodded, vision drifting to the side as she seemed to think for a bit. But she nearly jumped out of her skin when a hand from across the aisle tapped her shoulder, turning around as Pam spotted David’s confused face behind her.
“Brenda, you just missed mom’s house. The driver stopped just a bit ago.”
Brenda looked out the window in surprise and Pam did the same, watching as familiar neighborhood flew by as they went concerning speeds, but she realized that they were a few blocks past her mom’s house already.
“ Oh shit.” Muttered Brenda, before clearing her throat and turning to Pam. “Can I- uh, just stay at your place for a bit? I really don’t want to ask the driver to turn around… I can call my mom at your place.”
Pamela felt a little jab of excitement and she perked up. “Yeah, of course! My dad might relax a bit if there’s someone else in the house. Oh- but my landlines have been down for a few days.”
David chimed in from his seat, eyes lighting up. “I can call mom. I was planning to anyway, I can just tell her you’re at Pam’s.”
Pam felt a bit of pity, knowing how much David loved talking to his mom since he lived alone with his dad, who made things strained all the time. Brenda talked to Pam about it a lot, she seemed to somehow blame herself for how things had ended up even though she had no control in the situation.
“Yeah, that sounds like a good plan, David. We’ve got that project in English to work on together anyway,” said Pam, elbowing Brenda.
Brenda groaned, hair falling off her shoulders and behind her back. “Don’t remind me, that project is gonna be the end of me. I swear, old poetry makes my brain go numb.”
Pam smiled, even though she kind of enjoyed the poetry books they were reading. The flowery, melodramatic language was rhythmic and she thought it was fun to interpret.
But she knew Brenda wouldn’t agree, so the conversation shifted away and wandered for the several minutes it took until they were at Pam’s stop.
The girls got off, waving goodbye to David and the driver before the bus sped off down the street.
The brisk air of winter bit their cheeks, and the neighborhood before them was mostly the bleak gray of winter save for a few remnants of the reds and oranges of autumn.
“It’s been a while since I’ve been to your house.” said Brenda. She starting walking, and Pam followed with a bounce in her step.
“Yeah. Not too much has changed. But I guess we won’t have your mom’s amazing baking this time.” Pam replied, referring to all the times at Brenda’s house that her mom would drown them in sweets.
Brenda jabbed Pam excitedly “OH OH we can bake something!! It’s been a while since we’ve done that together!!”
Pam smiled. “Yeah! We’ve got loads of cooking stuff. My abuela has this awesome recipe for chocolate cake, you need to try it- you can handle a little spice, can’t you?”
Brenda’s brows furrowed slightly in confusion. “Spice? Yeah I have a pretty good tolerance. But is it in the cake?”
“Mhm- it probably sounds a little weird but trust me, it’s the absolute BEST thing ever, just a little cayenne in the mix and cinnamon on the frosting-” Pamela’s voice was lilting upward unconsciously as she spoke, while remembering all the wonderful evenings she, Marco, and her cousins had begged their grandmother to help make the cake practically every time they were together.
Things were a bit different now though, since most of them were either in high school or graduated, and her abuela’s health had been slowly declining. But she wouldn’t think about that too much now.
Right now all that she could really think about was the excitement in Brenda’s bright eyes that made Pam’s stomach swirl a little.
“Woahh that does sound delicious!! Okay,-if your parents are okay with us making the cake we’ll do that, it shouldn’t take too long and then we’ll settle in and speed through all our homework in no time, maybe with some extra time for a few games! My mom usually expects be back at like 10:00 on weeknights, which should be plenty of time. ”
Brenda’s smile was blinding. All Pamela could really do was smile in return.
It was starting to get dark outside, and the homework was indeed not sped through at all. Dishes with only a few crumbs of the cake sat in front of Pam and Brenda on the floor. They had all of their English papers spread out, half-organized because Pam gave up partway through.
The movie they put on as background noise was winding down, but Pam had been so distracted she barely paid it any attention. Even though E.T. was one of her favorite movies, she had been preoccupied by the english work and Brenda’s presence.
Brenda sighed and flopped down, scooching over until her head rested in Pamela’s lap. “I’m gonna go cross eyed if I have to look at one more stanza. It’s so pointless.”
Pam smiled despite herself (her cheeks were starting to hurt from that), as Brenda nestled further her lap and turned her gaze upward.
“Sometimes I like to think about the poetry as a story, imagining it playing out in my head even if it’s pretty abstract.”
Brenda sighed a soft hmm and tilted her eyes away, reaching over and grabbing a random paper. “I mean I could try it.”
She held the poem above her face, features contorting into one of mock prestige. She cleared her throat over-exaggeratedly. “Eegh- hem- ‘ A capital ship for an ocean trip, was the Walloping Window Blind. No gale that blew dismayed her crew or troubled the captain's mind. The man at the wheel was taught to feel Contempt for the wildest blow.
And it often appeared when the weather had cleared
That he'd been in his bunk below. The boatswain's mate was very sedate, yet fond of amusement too;
And he played hopscotch with the starboard watch
While the captain tickled the crew-‘“ Brenda’s voice wavered and she dropped the paper as she dissolved into giggles.
“Oh come on, you can’t tell me that isn’t just straight up weird. What am I supposed to talk away from that? The sailors are ticklish? Why the heck does Ms. Greene think we’ll like this?? ”
Pam’s laughter came out in short bursts, it has hard to help it when Brenda was so lost, and suddenly Brenda was laughing with her and her laughs were perpetrated with little snorts that only made both of them laugh harder until their ribs were aching and their throats raw.
Brenda gasped for air, squinted eyes glimmering up. “Stopp- you know I hate when that happens.”
Pam wiped tears from the corners of her eyes, knowing it was probably smearing her eyeliner again but not really caring. It was just her and her best friend now, and it was because of the opposite of the sadness before. “Noo your laugh is adorable. I love it.”
She held a hand up to her mouth, slowly recovering her normal breathing. Her cheeks were flushed red- from the rush of the fit, Pam assumed.
“Awhhh Pammy you flatter me. I still think I sound like a pig though.”
Pam tilted her head, curly hair falling from where it was tucked behind her ear. It was a bit awkward looking down at Brenda, but she looked so pretty as the warm light fell across her face.
“A very cute pig, then.”
Brenda’s gaze changed for a moment, a little surprise touched with something else she couldn’t decipher.
Pam wrinkled her nose, heart stuttering for a moment, wondering if she’d done something wrong. Was she imagining the way Brenda’s eyes flickered down to her lips for a moment?
But suddenly the corners of Brenda’s lips tweaking upward again. The look in her eyes shifted back to their normal playfulness.
Pamela wanted to ask about it, but barely few moments later the door of her room burst open.
Marco’s voice was hoarse as he yelled, at a very unreasonable volume, “SIS, MOM WANTS YOU TO KNOW THAT BRENDA’S MOM CALLED AND SHE-”
Brenda suddenly jerked up, head leaving Pam’s lap as she adjusted herself to sit. Pam glanced over, confused once again by her expression, but her attention was focused back on Marco silhouetted in the doorway.
“MARCO STOP SCREAMING, YOU’RE ACROSS THE ROOM.” Screamed Pam, instantly matching his tone.
Pam felt her teeth grind at the familiar agitation her brother provoked in her. The harsh light from the hall was casting shadows into the dim interior of Pam’s room, but it shifted as Marco moved to lean on the doorway.
She could hear a smirk in his voice as he said “Sorry, am I interrupting something?”
Pam blinked, looking over at Brenda and surprised to find her friend looking oddly flustered, her eyes darting over to Pam.
Pamela tried to give her a face to express, You okay? Sorry about my brother.
Brenda gave a short smile on return, but it was contrasted by her tight shoulders and fingers twirling a strand of hair. She does that when she’s stressed- shoot.
“We’re working on our english stuff, now just give us some space.” said Pam back to Marco, keeping her voice restrained.
She could see as his eyebrows raised. “It doesn’t look like you’re getting much done, you two too busy with each other?”
Pamela’s mouth opened and closed once, trying to rationalize what he said without taking it and increasing the heat she could already feel rising in her cheeks.
Marco was just teasing, there was no way he could know about what Pam felt about Brenda. What I think I feel about her. It’s probably not that serious, I'm just overthinking it.
Right?
“Oh buzz off Marco, you’re not helping anything.” snapped Pam.
“Fine fine fine, I just came to say that Brenda, your mom wants you home in an hour and a half,” said Marco melodramatically, even though a smile was still infuriatingly infused into his words.
Brenda nodded and gave an affirmation in a strained voice.
The door finally closed again, and Pam could hear as Marco whistled while he descended the stairs. Her eyes diverted back to Brenda as her vision adjusted to the lighting again. Despite her best attempts, her face was feeling hot and she hoped Brenda wouldn’t notice.
She now verbalized her previous look. “Are you okay? I know my brother is annoying, sorry about that.”
Brenda’s shoulders had relaxed a bit, but she was still different than before. “Yeah, I’m good.”
Pam’s eyebrows tilted in concern. “You sure? You seem nervous, and I really hope it’s not because of Marco. ”
She giggled, attention focused back to Pam. “No- no it’s not because of him,” her eyes glinted again as she said, “He’s so old and totally not my type.”
Pamela leaned back and faked a heaving gag. “BRENDA, you totally know that was not what I meant. Aughhhh.”
Brenda giggled some more, finally relaxing and moving back in closer to the dark-haired girl.
A short silence fell, and Pam averted her eyes downward. A thought came to her slowly and she decided to just say it before she could overthink it. “I’m pretty sure Marco’s into guys anyway. at least a little bit.”
Brenda’s eyes widened. “Really? How do you know?”
Pam’s heart sputtered for a moment, wondering if that could have been the wrong thing to say. Brenda seemed like she’d be accepting, as well as Pam knew her, but sometimes you couldn’t tell.
“Uh- yeah, I mean I haven’t asked him outright but he’s said a few things to me that makes me think there’s something going on. With him and one of his friends, I mean.” Said Pam, painfully aware of her voice cracking as she observed Brenda’s reaction.
Marco had been getting increasingly defensive of one of his friends, and spending a lot of time out with him. Pam could read the signs.
But as she watched Brenda’s reaction, she seemed more lost in thought than anything, which puzzled Pam.
After a moment where neither of them said anything, Brenda murmured softly, “How do you think your parents would react to that?”
Pam’s gaze swept over Brenda again, trying to read more behind what she said by studying her features.
She replied, “I… I think my parents would take some time to get used to it, but they do really love him and it’d probably be fine after a while.”
Brenda nodded slowly, meeting Pam’s gaze. “That’s good. That they’d probably warm up to it- I mean.” Her voice faltered a bit near the end and Pam wondered if she might be implying something else too. Shit, did Brenda figure me out?
She cleared her throat, fighting the nerves she could feel rising up. “Yeah, my parents can be strict, but they understand that as long as the people in a relationship are okay, it’s alright.”
Pam carefully skirted around the word, the word that felt like a weight on her shoulders. The word that floated through her worries so often it had its own place in the corner of her mind.
Brenda’s eyes felt piercing, the blue a much deeper shade in the dark room. It was intimidating, and jarringly different from her joking persona from earlier. Her eyes were burning into Pam, making her face feel hot again.
But she exhaled deeply, leaning onto her arms and getting the tiniest bit closer to Pam. “Definitely. being gay is still just love, and we’re all people, y’know? I really don’t see why other people need to feel pressed about it.”
Pam’s breath caught, and the atmosphere change might just be something she was imagining, but it felt different all of the sudden, as her eyes were locked onto her friend’s.
“You really think that?” whispered Pam, because speaking above a whisper suddenly felt out of place. And she thought the tears gathering in her eyes might squeeze out if she spoke any more.
“I- yeah i’ve always thought that.” murmured Brenda, her eyes flicking in between Pam’s. “Are you okay?”
Pam inhaled shakily. “Um. Yeah, I-“ Shit, I can’t cry again, not now.
Suddenly there was a hand on her cheek and then another, and then she was staring at Brenda with her face cupped in soft hands, heart faltering, breath caught.
The contradicting feeling of icy relief and burning attention from the girl in front of her felt like it was going to tear her apart.
Brenda’s face was flushed, and Pam was sure that hers was that tenfold. “It’s alright Pammy. I think I know.” she breathed, her voice so sweet it felt like Pam’s chest was being ripped open.
She knew her eyes were wide and her mouth was open, but she didn’t know what to do when she suddenly found her mouth being pressed closed as Brenda leaned in and kissed her.
Brenda’s touch was achingly gentle, eyelashes flitting against Pam’s cheek, fingertips tangling in her hair, lips sticky with cherry gloss. Pam leaned in, trembling fingers reaching up to curl around Brenda’s neck.
But not for long, as Brenda pulled away slowly and opened her eyes to stare at Pam. She stared back, sure now that she was going to explode with all of the sizzling emotions going off inside her. Her heart was still deciding if it wanted to function or not.
Brenda looked nervous, brows lowered as she asked quietly, “Was that okay?”
Pamela’s mouth felt dry but her lips dewy. All she could really manage was in a breath, “You- you like me?”
That golden smile touched Brenda’s lips again, and she laughed. “Of course, I thought you would have known way earlier. It’s funny how oblivious your smart-ass can be sometimes.”
Pam’s mind felt all foggy, entangled in the memory of Brenda’s touch. “You mean you do like me? I thought- it was just me-”
Brenda just sighed and leaned in again, drowning Pam’s confusion out in a kiss among the scattered poetry on the floor.