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For Want of a Memory

Summary:

"Dan Feng..." Blade's voice came in a whisper, like a faraway wish; rough in the way someone hadn't used his words in some time. Oh, he was not going to have any of that. Not in his nightmares, not with so little sleep in him. Not after everything that had gone down mere days ago, the memories of a long gone past smothered down by the Luofu’s pardon and the hate and death threats of the Vidyadhara.

Notes:

this came to me in a fever dream while working, couldn't stop thinking about it to a point were I literally couldn't function until I wrote it down and now we are here! I apologize for any OOC thingies, I truly wish I cared

Work Text:

"I don't really understand how you got in here, but I think you should leave"

Dan Heng's lance was nowhere to be seen, and he had been bold enough to go check some noise next to the archives in the middle of the night with nothing but the light of the dying stars surrounding them aboard the Astral Express. That same light was what finally warned him of a tall shadow nearer than he was comfortable to admit. Going back now was not an option, although the shape of the man didn't seem to be carrying his sword, the same one that had reawakened the Imbibitor Lunae powers within him.

Blade, a member of the Stellaron Hunters, had managed to climb aboard and no one seemed to notice, and right now the hows and whens weren't his priority. His door was closed, and next to him slept March 7th like a baby. And even if he could wake her up and warn the others while on it, he wasn’t sure they were much of a challenge if his intentions were hostile. He had known what his rage felt like, /that/ name being called to him every time. His very anger had been building up over the years, always smoothed by the need to keep going. But not tonight. Not after it escaped his lips again.

"Dan Feng..." Blade's voice came in a whisper, like a faraway wish; rough in the way someone hadn't used his words in some time. Oh, he was not going to have any of that. Not in his nightmares, not with so little sleep in him. Not after everything that had gone down mere days ago, the memories of a long gone past smothered down by the Luofu’s pardon and the hate and death threats of the Vidyadhara.

"Dan Heng." His voice was firm, standing his ground. Something akin to confidence and arrogance making him take a step closer, the light finally leaving the other man fully to be seen.

Dan Heng couldn't find a way to describe how he looked. His eyes were looking at him, but not /at/ him. Something else. He was looking for his other life in his eyes, but he wasn't about to find it. Another step, and even though Blade hadn't said anything else in that span of time, he could feel his blood starting to boil the closer he got to him, a mere step from staring directly into his face. He was a patient man, had no other way to move forward in life but to be, but at some point the cracks started to show. Just in special cases.

"My name. Is. Dan Heng. I don't know why you are here, or what you are looking for, but WHOEVER it is you are after, I'm not him. I'm my own person, I'm different from the one you so longingly search for. I can accept your hate towards him, your pain, even your love-"

"Hate? Love?" Blade's voice came out even more hoarse than it already did when calling the other's name. His eyes were looking for something else this time; a faraway memory, and he didn't seem to notice the fondness and anger that started to contort his face, a smile creeping up his lips. "Is there any difference to you? For what your actions were? For what you did /to me/?!" He was the one taking the last step towards the other man, but Dan Heng followed with a step back, keeping the distance, now realizing the situation he was in. Where was his weapon? He didn't want to use his power, it would only make everything worse in all the ways possible. His eyes roamed the bedroom in search of it while hesitation crept slightly into his words. "Again, I don't know what you are talking about. I don't know you-"

"But you do. You may have forgotten and chosen to not carry his memories, but you do. Do you listen to yourself?" Blade's voice came out so... sane. It was still husky, since he only spoke in short sentences, but it had somewhat /changed/. Was it Blade talking, words slightly tinged with madness, or was it someone else, the man prior to the beast of Destruction? There was no better way to describe it. This time it was looking at him, at his present self, and that made him take another step back, the Stellaron Hunter shortening the distance again. The light strengthened his visage, making him twice as big and twice as menacing. Or was his fear of what the man was capable of? Since he knew pretty well himself.

"I don't-"

"Listen."

Dan Heng didn't know what he was talking about, and the man before him let the seconds stretch as if giving him enough time to figure it out. Unintentionally he looked him in the eye, reflections of orange and slight purple swimming in those captivating red eyes. In that moment under the starlight his words downed on him.

His body and mind, both wanted the man. How? Why? It was weird. Memories of long forgotten nights, which never belonged to him, caressed his skin and made him feel safe, at home, sending shivers down his spine. But they were never his to begin with, weren’t they? What about his heart? Those feelings weren't clearly his. And he didn't know him. His relationship with the love of his past life was very different from whatever Dan Feng wanted.

He looked at him again, having at some point broken eye contact in order to hide his mixed feelings, and saw how pathetic the man in front of him really looked. For the first time in those few minutes it seemed like the mara had stopped affecting him, giving him room to be... Yingxing.

No.

He couldn't take it.

The look on his face, of anguish, hate, anger, hope and… love. He was bearing his broken hopes and heart for just a moment, and he couldn’t take it.

What's the best way to stop looking at someone that doesn't seem to be willing to leave the room and at the same time looked like he needed someone to hold on to but would refuse any kind of help?

So he took another step into Blade's personal space, closing the distance, and hugged him. He ate boldness for dinner, it seems. He was tiptoeing while he embraced the other man's shoulders trying to kind of hide Yingxing's face in it, which was kind of hard with their height difference. He wasn’t forgiving the other man for all the attempts on his life, but doing as he told him; he was accepting his hate, and his love, even though they didn’t belong to him.

A few uncomfortable seconds went by, which felt like an eternity, and only when Dan Heng was about to flee and get ready in case he tried to stab him again, arms went sloppily around his waist, hands on his back. Blade's face was now hidden between his neck and his shoulder, and Dan Heng felt like if he moved, something would go terribly wrong. The taller man finally bent down until he could still hide into Dan Heng’s neck curvature and not make him stay on the tip of his toes for a long time, which made the situation easier. Seconds turned into minutes, and it took him that time to notice the tall man's breathing slowing down, as if he was calming himself, and his weight was slowly falling onto him. But now what? If he fell asleep in their embrace, Dan Heng wasn't sure he was going to be able to carry him, but if he moved and he triggered the mara again...

Soon though, his doubt was solved; Blade pushed his body against his, making him lose his balance enough time for him to keep pushing and move both of them until Dan Heng's legs hit the corner of the bed and they both fell, one on top of the other. Panic started to fill his mind, the fight or flight instinct kicking in. But when he tried to worm his way out from under the heavy body of the Stellaron Hunter, he stopped. He listened; the man was sound asleep, his head resting on his chest and his arms hugging him still, soft breaths escaping through slightly opened lips.

For as long as he had known him, which wasn't as much as some thought since he had been running a lot, and the other just chasing him, he had never known him to be capable of such peace, and that made him think of how much had been stolen from him and how he must have been when heartbreak and fear had not turned him into this. And he always insisted, although not always externally, that the sins of the last High Elder weren't his, even though he was willing to pay for them. Something pushed him into caressing the man's hair, black as night and as soft as silk, and did nothing but lay there surrounded by silence only interrupted by slight puffs of air and the sound of the train’s engine. He was starting to accept this was his fate for the night, and even though he had no clue of how he was going to explain this in the morning, he let sleep wash over him like morning dew. He didn't know why, he didn't want to know why. He simply slept next to the other man like they were old lovers and newfound crushes.