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they used to be better at taking care. it used to be so easy, reuniting in yoongi’s apartment after a long day and be there for each other. now, they’re just grown up and tired.
they’re people who reschedule because they haven't had time to do grocery shopping.
they’re important people, it seems, sometimes too important to be good friends and partners.
but tonight, it's a little like old times and the three of them will be here and yoongi will get to cook for them. jungkook will forget to eat because he will be talking too much and then he will remember again and go very quiet for a while and namjoon will be able to let his shoulders down. sit in a corner and be not so important for once.
namjoon, his oldest friend. his black turtleneck, black blazer wearing nerd idiot friend who kept saying he would leave the university long after everyone around him realised that he never would. who loves his job, loves teaching, loves reading, and doesn't have enough time to love jungkook.
and jungkook. who only ever wanted namjoon. who is convinced he can do everything, who can do almost everything but even his body has limits. and he can't accept that he will reach them and yet he always does.
namjoon and jungkook, who need to make plans with yoongi to allow themselves to rest in each other's arms.
namjoon arrives first. they don't hug because they never do. namjoon, in black clothes and a permanent line of worry on his forehead. yoongi thinks about the skin on his hands and the different signs that exertion leaves on bodies. wonders if and how it will show on jungkook.
“it feels very good to be here.” namjoon sighs, longer than should be possible with only one set of lungs. yoongi points him to a chair.
“i’m glad you’re here, it's been forever. you look tired. how have you been?”
“ha. a colleague told me i looked tired yesterday and i heard myself saying: this is just how i look these days. but it's manageable. no, it's good. i’m teaching lots of undergrad classes this year and i love it. they’re so innocent. so smart. so curious. they surprise me all the time. make me notice new things, give me new ideas. it’s adorable. and very humbling.”
namjoon's passion is so pure and he wears it so proudly. yoongi wants to be a human shield, protect him from all the consequences of poor prioritization, give him everything good and lovable at the same time, give him his job and his books and his jungkook. and himself, yoongi wants to give him himself, wants to say: we're right here next to you. and we need you a little more than you have been acknowledging lately.
“and you? how was your day?” namjoon says.
“i'm okay. tired. day was mediocre. been working my ass off this week. we're understaffed again and it's our bodies that take the blame. but you know. capitalism, etc. if i don't, someone else will. someone more desperate than me.”
“i'm so sorry. it shouldn't be that way.”
and of course it shouldn't, and yoongi doesn't doubt namjoon's sincerity, but he can't help thinking that namjoon will never really get it. the feeling that, no matter how good it sounds when they talk about workplace environment, it's another thing to know it with your body that they don't really care, to feel it in your muscles at the end of the day.
namjoon takes off his glasses that are mostly for reading and a little for his image and presses the heels of his hands into his eyes. knuckles into his forehead. fingertips into temples that hurt too often for him to think about it.
“yoongi?”
“hm?”
“i know it's really stupid. but i am a little nervous about meeting jungkook.”
“it sounds stupid indeed. why?”
“because we didn't see each other this morning and now i've been thinking all day about what a shit boyfriend i am.”
yoongi shakes his head almost violently. “you’re not. he loves you more than anything.”
“i know. that makes it worse. it's just– i am always working? when did that become the natural way to prioritize? i hate it that i don’t have to question it. i hate it that i’m not with him when i want to be.”
“but he knows all of this. he knows you. what is there to be nervous about?”
“i know it’s stupid. i don’t really know. i just feel like i should say something but i don’t have a solution. i mean, i do. there are things to say. how do i say them? how can you look the people you love in the eyes and not die?”
“fuck do i know. shit, namjoon, who do you take me for. i'm gonna chop these onions now.”
and then jungkook knocks on the door.
namjoon smooths out his blazer, twice. a hand through his hair. inhale exhale.
yoongi throws him a glance that reminds him he's being silly.
so he opens the door and he wonders if jungkook is always this genuinely happy to see him or if it has become a habit to smile like that, because namjoon sometimes has to remind himself to smile when he gets home from work, and then he banishes his brain from this kind of input because it really doesn’t help and this is jungkook, and namjoon loves him, and he’s a stupid man who forgets to remember this.
and when jungkook shrugs out of his jacket and steps into namjoon’s arms, he wants to cry. because they hug every day and yet it feels like they haven't hugged like this in forever. meaning pulling each other a little closer, making their bodies touch all the way from toes to forehead. meaning jungkook’s cold cheeks defrosting in namjoon’s silent apology. his body harbouring some of the tiredness. meaning the words that sat on namjoon's tongue are swallowed down, along with his worries and insecurities.
namjoon remembers every way he loves him.
jungkook leans back, just enough to look at namjoon.
“baby,” he brings a hand to namjoon's cheek. “you're so tired.”
and namjoon wants to say something, maybe sorry, wants to be better. jungkook is so good and holds him and keeps whispering baby even though he looks just as tired and namjoon doesn't deserve him.
yoongi waits patiently for his turn to greet jungkook. as sickeningly sweet as they are, he knows it’s a sign of trust. he knows they need this, that it’s part of the reason they come here.
namjoon and jungkook, who are grown up men and still just two boys who don’t dare to hold hands on the street. when they get to yoongi’s, they can remember everything.
and if that's not a love letter, what is.
“i've missed you. it feels like i haven't seen you in a week,” namjoon says. his hands are on jungkook's back, digging into aching muscles. when they look into each other's eyes, yoongi almost forgets that he's there.
“hyung. we sleep in the same bed.”
“that's true. but have i been there when you've fallen asleep any of the days this week? how long has it been since we woke up together?”
it is vulgar.
this is the kind of intimacy that scares yoongi to death.
he watches as they embrace, touch the parts that haven't been touched in too long, their regret and adoration and yoongi is used to it but at the same time he never will be.
yoongi sometimes thinks he never really wanted intimacy. that other people wanted it for him until he started believing that he did.
but when they hug, there is this irrational desire to step in between and get squeezed in the middle.
just end up there, being touched without having to confess.
“i'm sorry. i wish i could do better for you.”
“no. you're doing so well. you're so pretty. i love looking at you.”
“i am sorry you have to say that when it doesn't feel that way. i feel terrible. i know i am not enough for you.”
“i don't want you to think that.”
meaning it's not untrue, because it is true. it just doesn't help to think it.
and yoongi flees to the kitchen. needs to dip his hands in something. can't listen to their bullshit forever.
no, yoongi has one love language and it is giving people food. thankfully, namjoon and jungkook usually want food.
“jungkook-ah! what do you want to eat!”
“did i hear something about food,” jungkook says when they make it to the kitchen.
“yes. that's why you're here. you need to eat, my child. what do you want to eat.”
“everything. as long as you make it. you have magic hands.”
“i was thinking some kind of jjigae? but first, do you want to taste my kimchi? i made kimchi.”
jungkook’s face lights up. yoongi takes out the jar and hands him a pair of scissors.
“i haven't even tasted it myself because it just finished fermenting a few days ago, and you have to cut it.”
the plop sound when jungkook opens the jar makes him giggle.
“you're so cute, it's annoying,” namjoon says.
and then they start again. yoongi has to take over from jungkook. you're so annoying, it's not cute–
but seeing their faces when they taste it makes it easy to forgive.
“yah,” jungkook breathes, tears in his eyes. “what the fuck. that was so good. magic hands, i told you.”
“should we put kimchi in the jjigae?” says namjoon.
“we could,” says yoongi. “if you want to.”
jungkook shakes his head. “no. this is way too good. it's gold. it needs to be devoured in all its glory.”
and then, once their voices have lowered because it’s just them, bowls are empty and chopsticks silent against plates, namjoon leans his head against the wall and closes his eyes.
yoongi laughs, because he's an idiot.
“just a little. just five minutes. please.”
jungkook looks at namjoon and yoongi’s heart breaks a little.
namjoon is a child inside an adult and they let him fall asleep against the wall. it looks so uncomfortable that if someone is tired enough to sleep like that, they must really need it.
after clearing the table, jungkook helps him to stand up.
“hey baby, let's get you to the sofa.” namjoon grunts and sways but jungkook is strong and supports him.
“don’t wanna leave. i'm warm.”
“we’re not leaving,” jungkook says, and it's like he's carrying a child who fell asleep in the car and needs to be moved to their bed, “i’m just gonna help you get more comfortable.” jungkook walks him to yoongi’s couch, helps him distribute his limbs and when yoongi sees how namjoon trusts jungkook, it is there again, that feeling, the desire to have someone help him carry his body like that.
“i cannot fall asleep,” namjoon mumbles, a little panicked, like he's forgotten to do something important.
“yes baby, you can. it's alright. i'll tell you when you have to wake up. i promise.”
“you promise?”
unconsciousness is dangerously close now. jungkook doesn't know all the reasons why namjoon shouldn't fall asleep, but his voice is so assuring. namjoon can't always be responsible when it seems so easy to trust.
“i promise.”
namjoon’s eyes are open but only enough to hold jungkook’s gaze, and he grabs jungkook’s forearms and says, “stay. lay down.” and jungkook does, just drapes his body over namjoon’s, lays his cheek on namjoon’s chest.
“you can rest now. you did good today.”
it’s only a minute before namjoon is snoring.
jungkook takes off namjoon's glasses. yoongi gives him a blanket that he covers namjoon with, and then he sits down opposite yoongi in the other sofa.
“this boy, huh. what are we gonna do with him?” yoongi says. this thirty year old boy.
“i think i am going to keep him,” jungkook says, and he sounds so serious that yoongi isn't sure if he understood that the question was joking. but then he starts smiling. “yeah. i definitely will.”
jungkook (10.49 pm)
you don’t know how much i needed tonight
thank you hyung
this is namjoon btw
from googies phone
mine died
which is fair
like i did lol
sorry i died on your couch
yoongi (11.03 pm)
it’s cool
glad you could rest, you needed it
and thank you both for tonight
jungkook (11.25 pm)
food was delicious like always
magic hands
its jungkook now
i always feel better after visiting you
yoongi (11.27 pm)
come over more often
jungkook (11.27 pm)
yeah well
you know
yoongi (11.27 pm)
i do
you should put your boy to sleep early tonight
jungkook (11.28 pm)
yeah we’ll go to bed together :) hes brushing his teeth now
yoongi (11.29 pm)
and dont forget to charge his phone
jungkook (11.29 pm)
hehe thank you you should sleep early as well
yoongi (11.30 pm)
hmmm
ill think about it
maybe
jungkook (11.33 pm)
you should
good night hyung
yoongi (11.48 pm)
gnight
going to bed together is not a big thing. it's jungkook laying there when namjoon comes back from his shower, putting away his phone and turning to face namjoon's side of the bed. it's them kissing each other good night, namjoon turning to lay on his stomach, jungkook's hand lingering on the small of his back and mumbled i love yous on the edge of sleep.
if it's seems so simple, why is it so hard?