Chapter Text
As far as nights on the sea went, it wasn’t a very interesting one. The water lay flat and calm, making it nigh impossible to see anything if it weren’t for the light of the full moon above.
Two fishermen sat in their dinghy.
“Can’t we just pack it in?” said one, flicking the leaves of the small plant he’d brought onboard.
“We have a quota to reach,” said the other.
“Haven’t felt as much as a nibble in the past four hours.”
“Shut up,” said the other. He stubbornly refused to reel in his line.
One sighed heavily, busying himself with inspecting the plant’s leaves as well as he could in the dark.
Something tugged at the other’s line.
“Hey, I got one!” he said. He tried to reel it in. “It’s, uh– it’s a big one,” he said, mouth twisting into a frown. “It’s. It’s a really big one.”
He braced himself against the side of the boat and pulled to no avail. Whatever was on the other end of the line was unreasonably strong. The fishing pole bent.
One looked up. The other jerked forward, nearly tipping out into the water. One flung himself forward and wrapped his arms around the other, pulling against the creature with all his might.
Water splashed over the side of the boat. It listed dangerously to one side, creaking. The fishing pole flew out of the other’s hands and vanished into the sea.
It was quiet for a moment.
Something thick and wet and dark slithered out of the ocean and stretched across the boat, reflecting the moonlight like a tendril of slick oil. It wrapped around the vessel, which creaked under the pressure. A second tendril, then a third. Water spilled over the lip of the boat, rushing over the fishermen’s boots.
A dome broke the surface of the sea, the same slick black material as the tendrils. The fishermen screamed, stumbling back. The boat rocked.
It whined in protest. The tendrils –no, tentacles, those were tentacles, impossibly thick, thicker than any octopus either of them had ever seen– gave one final pull.
The fishing boat snapped like a toothpick. Screams pierced the night.
A tentacle swept up the wreckage and vanished into the water. The waves quieted, leaving a smooth, glassy surface, like nothing had ever been there at all.
“I’ve set the Tardis to random,” the Doctor said. He leaned back from the console with a grin on his face. “Anything could be outside those doors: a planet full of cats, Europe in 1262, a space station where you have to pay to breathe…”
“Well that last one sounds terrible, so I hope it’s not that one,” said Donna. She reached towards the doors. Her heart beat in her fingertips. No matter how many times she did this, it was still so exciting every time. She might open the Tardis door directly into a black hole or something.
She pulled the door open and stepped out.
Oh.
Well.
The Doctor stepped out next to her, shoving his hands in his pockets. He spun in a slow circle, taking in their surroundings with a slight frown.
“We’re in a closet,” said Donna.
“Yup.”
“All of time and space, and we’re in a closet.”
“That we are.”
“Wonderful,” said Donna.
The closet itself was wood paneled, with two racks of rather fancy-looking clothes on either wall. Light from the setting sun streamed in from a singular window near the door, which seemed to be held shut by a hanging sandbag for some reason.
The Doctor examined some of the clothes. “Well, this is either the closet of someone who really enjoys dressing up like a fancy gentleman, or we’re in the closet of a fancy gentleman.”
He peers out the window.
“Oh, look! We’re on a boat!”
Donna looked out the window to see a vast expanse of deep blue ocean stretching as far as the eye can see.
“So what year is it, do you think?”
“I’m not sure,” the Doctor said. “Those outfits are kind of all over the place in terms of time period. Definitely not modern, that’s for sure.” He pushed the door to the closet open. Donna followed. She watched the door close behind them.
“That door was part of the wall,” she said. “Who hides their closet with a secret door?”
“Good question.”
“Maybe we are in the present, and this guy just has a secret hobby of dressing like an old timey fancy man. On a boat.”
“Well, whenever we are, this guy has no concept of fire safety.” The Doctor was right– there were two chandeliers of lit candles and an open fireplace to boot. “Is that a library? On a boat? With no casing to protect the books? Oh, I have to meet him.”
Donna turned to find the door, but before she could make her way over to it, it swung open.
A young man in a cropped red jacket stepped into the room and immediately froze, staring at the Doctor and Donna with eyes so wide they threatened to bug out of his skull.
“Hello!” said the Doctor.
The man shook his head, blinked hard, and stared at them again. Slowly, his brow furrowed. “Who the fuck are you?”
“I’m the Doctor, and this is my best friend Donna.”
Donna waved. “Isn’t it a safety hazard to have so much open flame by all these books?”
The man shook his head again in disbelief. “That does not answer my question. How did you even get on board? And into the captain’s quarters?” His eyes drift to the open secret passageway. “How did you know about the auxiliary wardrobe?”
The Doctor glanced back at it over his shoulder. “Would you believe we’re stowaways?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because we haven’t docked in three weeks, this ship isn’t very big, and only the captains and I know about the auxiliary wardrobe. And I’ve been in there within those three weeks, and if someone was in there, I’d know.”
The Doctor nodded, impressed. “Good job. That makes sense. What’s your name?”
“Lucius. Spriggs. Look, I don’t really know what to do about this.”
“You can start by telling us what year it is,” said Donna.
“Oh, great call,” said the Doctor.
Lucius’ incredulous expression grew even more incredulous. “You don’t know what year it is? Who are you?”
“Just answer the question please, Lucius.”
“1718.”
The Doctor clapped his hands together, a grin breaking across his face. “Oh! 1718, the Golden Age of Piracy!”
“Golden Age of Piracy?” said Donna. “Sorry, Doctor, but this doesn’t really look like a pirate ship, does it.”
“No, it does not.”
Lucius’ eyes got even wider. “You really don’t know where you are, do you?”
“Not a clue!”
“You’re insane.” He rubbed his forehead. “What do I– I guess I should take you to see the captains?” He looked them up and down. “Or maybe just… Captain. For now.”
“You have two captains?” Donna asked.
Lucius threw his hands in the air. “I can’t fucking deal with this. Stay right here, I’ll be back with the captain.”
Lucius turned on his heel and left the room. The Doctor frowned, placing his hands on his hips and examining the room with a more scrutinous eye.
“I feel like I’m missing something,” he said. “1718, fancy ship, two captains, Golden Age of Piracy.”
“Doesn’t ring any bells for me,” said Donna. “I only know one pirate, anyway, and I highly doubt this is Blackbeard’s ship.”
The Doctor’s brow furrowed even more. “Blackbeard, 1718, fancy ship, two captains, Golden Age of Piracy. Ugh, this is embarrassing. What am I forgetting?”
The door swung open again. A new man, presumably the captain, entered the room with Lucius in tow. His golden hair was carefully curled and he wore a long red jacket with tall heeled boots.
“Wow, you weren’t kidding, Lucius.”
“Why would I even–”
“Hello!” said the Doctor, “I’m the Doctor and this is Donna.”
The captain stepped forward to greet them. He stuck a hand out for a handshake. “My name is Stede Bonnet, the Gentleman Pirate. Care to explain how you ended up on my ship?”
The deck of the Revenge was manned by a crew of what could only be described as resembling community theater actors putting on a production of Treasure Island. One of them even had a bird. Stede introduced each of them, and they all responded to the introduction with varying degrees of both confusion and enthusiasm. Lucius trailed behind them as Stede gave the Doctor and Donna a tour.
Donna leaned over to the Doctor. “So who’s Stede Bonnet?” she whispered.
“Stede Bonnet was a rich nobleman who abandoned his wealth to be a pirate. He’s most well-known for sailing with Blackbeard for some period of time. No one knows why.”
“Great. So this could be Blackbeard’s ship.”
Frenchie eyed the newcomers with suspicion. “Anyone else a bit worried about this?”
“Well, yeah,” said Oluwande, “we found stowaways and Captain’s giving them a tour.”
“Not that,” said Frenchie. “It’s bad luck to have a woman on a ship. Remember? Crystals, demons, misfortune?”
“For the last time, that’s a myth,” Jim said.
“We actually don’t know that for sure. You’re not really a woman.”
“Yeah, I’m more concerned about why Captain’s giving them a tour,” said Oluwande.
“So,” said Stede, “How exactly is it that you ended up on my ship? And how long exactly have you been here?”
“Oh, just passing through, really,” said the Doctor.
Stede looked to Lucius.
“Honestly, no idea. They couldn’t be stowaways, but I don’t know how else they would’ve gotten here. Though I suppose Jim just appeared on the ship one day, so maybe that?”
“Like I said, passing through. So,” said the Doctor, “who’s this other captain?”
As if on cue, a man came up from below deck. He had a short gray beard and long hair tied into a ponytail, and he wore full leather.
“What the fuck?” he said.
“Oh, Ed!” said Stede, “what’s the policy on stowaways?”
Ed looked the Doctor and Donna over, frowning. “Usually loot ‘em and toss ‘em overboard.”
“No, let’s not,” said Stede. “They seem nice. I gave them a tour.”
Ed gave him an exasperated, but fond, look.
“Hello,” said the Doctor. “I’m the Doctor. This is Donna.”
“You’re a doctor?”
“Sure.”
“Doctor what?”
“Just the Doctor. You wouldn’t happen to be Edward Teach, would you?”
Ed frowned again. “What’s it to you?”
The Doctor grinned, nudging Donna excitedly. “It is Blackbeard’s ship!”
“Why are we celebrating that?” she whispered. “Isn’t he like, super scary? Also, not much of a beard.”
Ed threw his hands up. “Everyone has to comment on the beard! It doesn’t even matter anymore. Not Blackbeard! Just Edward!”
“So if we’re not getting thrown overboard, what’s the plan?” asked Donna.
“Stede, are you sure? Women are bad luck on ships, after all.”
“Oi!” said Donna. “I’ll show you bad luck, sunshine!”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine. They haven’t caused any harm so far,” said Stede. “I’m more concerned with how they got here.”
The man with the bird, Buttons, approached with a wide eyed look. Although, he never seemed to have a non wide eyed look.
“Cap’ains. Nightfall approaches. Better get below decks afore the beast returns.”
The Doctor exchanged a look with Donna and grinned. “A beast, you say?”
“Ay,” said Buttons. “He rises from the depths near each night.”
Ed’s face darkened. “The Kraken.”
Stede turned to Buttons. “Would you get the rest of the crew to head down? Ed and I will be there shortly for storytime.” He looked at the Doctor and Donna. “Would you mind heading down as well?”
The Doctor was already peering over the edge of the ship into the water, nearly halfway over the edge of the railing. “I’d like to take a look at this Kraken myself, first. Love a good Kraken, me.”
“It’s your death,” said Buttons, and turned on his heel towards the rest of the crew.
Stede joined the Doctor at the railing. “It’s quite a spectacle,” he said. “I’ve never seen anything like it. Frankly, I’d thought the Kraken to be just a myth of sorts.”
“Every myth comes from somewhere. Bit of a myth myself.” He leaned away, dropping his feet back onto the deck. “When does it usually appear?”
“After the sun goes down, typically.”
“What’s this about storytime?” Donna asked.
“Most of the crew can’t read,” said Stede, “so I read them a story every night. It’s good for morale.”
“He does the voices,” said Ed, grinning at Stede.
“Oh, of course you do the voices,” said the Doctor. “What good’s a story without the voices?”
“Care to join us?”
“We’d be delighted.”
Stede led them below deck, where the rest of the crew was gathered in the galley, spread out across the floor, leaning against each other and talking over each other.
“Alright, alright, quiet down!” Stede called. Miraculously, the chattering faded. “Our guests are joining us tonight.”
“Guests?” said Frenchie. “The stowaways?”
“Yes,” said Stede. “They’re quite nice.”
“Hello!” said the Doctor. Donna gave a wave.
“Right,” said Oluwande.
“All I’m saying is that having a woman onboard attracts misfortune. Crystals in their bodies? Remember?” said Frenchie.
Donna scoffed. “If one more person says women are bad luck on ships, I’m going to smack them.”
“It’s a myth,” Jim said, long-suffering.
“Thank you!” said Donna.
“I don’t even know how to respond to the crystal thing,” said the Doctor.
“We don’t either,” Lucius stage-whispered. Frenchie hit him in the arm.
“Do you want a story or not?” said Stede, waving a book in the air. The crew hurriedly shushed each other. Donna and the Doctor sat down on the floor next to Lucius and Black Pete.
Stede sat on top of the table next to Ed, who leaned against him, and cracked open a copy of The Little Mermaid. The Doctor frowned.
“I could’ve sworn that came out much later than 1718,” he whispered.
Donna shrugged. “Maybe you’re just off your game today.”
“Right, where were we?” said Stede, slipping on a pair of spectacles. He licked his finger and flipped through a couple pages. “Ah, yes.” He cleared his throat. “Before the sun rises you must plunge this knife into the heart of the prince;when the warm blood falls upon your feet they will grow together again, and form into a fish’s tail, and you will be once more a mermaid before you die and change into the salt sea foam.”
“Well that’s rubbish,” said Frenchie. “Having to choose between killing the love of your life or turning into foam.”
“As far as deaths go, it could be worse,” said Oluwande.
“She’s too complacent. If he doesn’t remember her rescuing him, she should make him remember. Write him a note, or something,” said Jim.
“Maybe he can’t read,” said the Swede.
“Of course he can read, he’s a prince,” countered Pete.
“Alright, quiet down, or we won’t get any further.”
The pirates settled.
“The little mermaid drew back the crimson curtain of the tent, and beheld the fair bride with her head resting on the prince’s breast.”
“Homewrecker,” said Wee John. Stede gave him a stern look over top of the book.
“She bent down and kissed his fair brow, then looked at the sky on which the rosy dawn grew brighter and brighter; then she glanced at the sharp knife, and again fixed her eyes on the prince, who whispered the name of his bride in his dreams. The knife trembled in the hand of the little mermaid: then she flung it far away from her into the waves.”
“Come on, booooo,” said Jim. Oluwande elbowed them in the ribs.
“I don’t remember this in The Little Mermaid,” Donna whispered to the Doctor.
“It’s the original. Adaptations like to ignore the ‘cutting out her tongue and walking feeling like knives stabbing her legs and having to kill the prince or turn to foam’ bits.”
Roach raised a hand. “This isn’t a sad one, right? You’d tell us if it was a sad one.”
Stede made a face. “Well–”
Ed groaned. “Come on, mate!”
“Do you want me to keep reading or not?”
“Just shank the bitch,” said Jim. “If he wasn’t going to be with her anyway…”
“Ah, but could she live with the guilt of taking her lover’s life?” said Stede, raising an eyebrow. “That’s a lot of mental pressure, even if he doesn’t love her back the same way.”
Ed shrugged. He picked at his nails, looking at the floor. “Got a point there.”
“It was extreme circumstances. Not her fault things shook out the way they did. Not anyone’s fault, really,” said the Doctor.
“Except the sea witch,” said Donna.
“Maybe the prince would feel just as guilty, if he knew what was going on. ‘Course, he couldn’t help what happened either. Not fair to pin all your hopes and dreams on someone loving you exactly the way you want them to this very minute, is it?”
“Maybe they just needed to communicate more.” Donna nodded at Jim. “Like you said, write a note.”
“I hadn’t thought about it that way,” said Stede.
“Can we get on with the story or not?” said Frenchie.
“Yes, of course. Where was I… oh! ‘ The water turned red where it fell, and the drops that spurted up looked like blood. She cast one more lingering, half-fainting glance–’”
The ship lurched. Stede gripped the edge of the table to keep himself from being thrown to the ground. Ed caught himself on a chair.
“The Kraken!” said the Doctor, shooting up from his spot on the floor and making a mad dash for the upper decks, Donna hot on his heels.
It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the dark, but with the moon shining down he had enough light. The ocean was smooth and black, broken only by something round and absolutely massive slowly rising from the sea. Its tentacles thrashed in the water until they latched onto the side of the ship.
“Uh, Doctor?”
“Hm?”
“Gonna do something about that?”
He shook his head. “Look,” he said, pointing. “It’s not aggressive. Not yet. It’s just curious.”
The tentacles peeled off the side with a pop and reattached at a different point.
“God, they’re huge,” said Donna. “Like tree trunks.”
The Doctor pulled his sonic screwdriver out of his pocket and scanned it. He held it up to his ear and frowned. “Damn wood interference.”
“Are you kidding me? Again with the ‘it doesn’t do wood’ thing?”
“It just doesn’t!” he said.
Stede and Ed emerged from below. There was another pop as the tentacles peeled away again.
“Ha!” the Doctor said, making Stede jump. “You got a dinghy? Or something to hang people over the side?”
“You can’t be serious,” said Stede. “You want to get near it?”
“Mate, we were coming up to get you to come away from it,” said Ed.
“I can’t get accurate readings this far away. I need to get closer.”
The ship rocked, knocking everyone off their feet, accompanied by the sound of shattering glass.
“What the hell was that?” said Donna.
“It’s broken a window!” said the Doctor. He scrambled to his feet and leaned over the edge of the ship. “Captain’s quarters!”
“Oh shit,” said Ed.
The Doctor took off running, Donna and the others in tow. He slammed the door open just in time to see a tentacle retreating out the broken window with something flat attached to the suckers. He tried to scan it again, but it was gone before he could. Heedless of the broken glass, he climbed onto the bed and stuck his head out the window, watching the tentacle disappear into the dark water below. The Kraken vanished.
“What did it take this time?” Stede asked, panting.
Ed’s eyes fixed on the empty space above the mantle. “The lighthouse,” he said. “It took the lighthouse.”
The Doctor pulled himself back into the room. “I think you need to tell us a lot more about what’s going on here,” he said.
“And why would we need to do that? I don’t know who the fuck you are,” said Ed.
“But you trust me,” said the Doctor. “You don’t know why, but you trust me.” He stepped closer, expression hard. “I can help. I just need to know what’s going on.”
Stede and Ed exchanged a glance, having a conversation with just their expressions. Ed frowned and Stede shrugged, then Ed sighed.
“Fine,” he said.
“Let me find Lucius,” said Stede. “He has notes.”
He left the room in search of him. Ed waited for him to vanish below deck before turning on the Doctor.
“I don’t know who you are or what your game is, but let me tell you this.” He jabbed a finger into the Doctor’s chest and snarled. “If you put Stede in danger, or get him hurt, I will not hesitate to toss you overboard as a sacrifice for the Kraken myself.”
“I’ll do my best to keep him safe,” said the Doctor.
The cabin door swung open. Ed sprung away from the Doctor, the picture of innocence. “Lucius, if you would find when we first saw the Kraken?” said Stede.
Lucius opened a journal and flipped back through a number of pages. “There,” he said. He showed the page to the Doctor and Donna. “About a month ago.”
The Doctor took the journal and scanned the pages, holding it up so Donna could see.
“It doesn’t come regularly, but when it does, it comes at night, and it usually takes something with it,” said Stede.
“Takes something,” echoed the Doctor. “Like what?”
“You said it took the lighthouse earlier,” said Donna. “What’s that mean?”
“It’s a painting,” said Ed.
“My wife– well, former wife. Widow? She painted it. I kept it on the mantle, and Ed kept it when–” Stede cut himself off. “Rather fond of it. Pity.”
“What else has it taken?”
Lucius counted off on his fingers. “Marmalade, once. Some silk. Once, it killed a hostage we had.”
“Fuck that guy, he deserved it,” growled Ed. “Fucking dick.”
“Ed,” said Stede.
“He did!”
“He was kind of a prick, yeah,” said Lucius, shrugging. “Seriously, why do you know so many people who threw rocks at you as a child? That’s fucked up.”
Donna looked up from the journal. “What, it attacks the ship and just takes your stuff?”
“Pretty much,” said Lucius.
She turned to the Doctor. “What do you think?”
The Doctor frowned. He flipped through some more pages. By all accounts, the attacks were pretty tame (aside from that one hostage). Jostling the ship a bit, maybe damaging some of the windows or rigging, scaring the crew.
“Not sure.” He flipped back through the journal and scanned through the earlier entries from before the Kraken began appearing. There was a huge gap in time between entries at some point, about six months. An entry about Ed’s former shipmate Calico Jack (the Doctor had met him before. Not very cool), and then the next entry was about Stede and Ed finally spending more time together without actively trying to kill each other.
Huh.
“What happened before? There’s a gap here.”
Stede flushed. “Is that relevant?”
“Might be.”
Lucius, Ed, and Stede shared a Look. Lucius sighed. “The captains had… a bit of a spat.”
“More than a spat, it seems,” said Donna. “Messy breakup?”
The matching blushes on Ed and Stede’s faces was answer enough.
“We’re– we got through it!” said Stede.
“That shit doesn’t matter anymore. Water under the boat, or whatever.”
“Bridge,” said Stede.
“Yeah, whatever. What the fuck does that have to do with the Kraken?”
Stede furrowed his brow and gave Ed a thoughtful look. “I– I don’t know.”
The Doctor filed that away for later.
“My question is why you have marmalade and silk on a pirate ship,” said Donna.
“Restocking,” said Ed. “Got rid of all of it. Wanted it back.”
“Right, Gentleman Pirate,” said the Doctor.
“Then why is a squid stealing marmalade and silk? What could it possibly do with that? Wouldn’t it eat people if it was just some animal?”
The Doctor raised his eyebrows. “Oh,” he said. “Oh. Fantastic question, Donna.”
“Thank you.”
He handed the journal back to Lucius. “What would you say to setting a bit of a trap?”
Lucius’ eyes widened. “You don’t mean–”
“As Donna pointed out, it’s unusual for an animal to steal the kinds of things the Kraken does. If we lure it out–”
“Then we can figure out what it wants,” finished Stede.
“Exactly.”
“If we can use fine things as bait, we can draw it out,” said Ed.
“Then the Doctor can scan it and get more information about it,” said Donna, “and maybe even figure out what it wants.”
“A proper fuckery,” said Ed.
“Exactly,” said the Doctor. “Wait, a what?”
They filled the crew in on the plan the next morning and started to set everything up in the afternoon, hoping to set it into motion by nightfall. The Doctor and Donna split up amongst the crew. Ed leaned against the railing, glaring at the horizon.
“Don’t like the look of those clouds,” he said.
Donna found herself tying knots next to Wee John and Roach.
“You’re great at this,” said Donna.
“Thanks,” said Wee John. “I’m pretty good at the, uh. I forgot the word. Cloth and ropes and things.”
“Textiles?”
“That’s it. Not as good at sewing as Frenchie, though.”
“Frenchie, that’s the bloke who said the things about crystals.”
Roach shrugged and pulled a rope taut with his teeth. He spoke around the knot in his mouth. “You might think his ideas are weird, but he’s still smart.”
Wee John nodded enthusiastically. “That’s my roomie, that is. He and Olu scammed all these French people on a ship? And then Captain set it on fire? They told us all about it. Sounds awesome.”
“Which captain?” asked Donna.
“Stede,” said Roach. “He set the ship on fire for the other captain.”
“Stede set a French ship on fire for Ed?”
Roach nodded at the rope in Donna’s hands, which resembled a tangled pair of headphones more than it resembled a neat knot. “We can finish up here if you want to talk to Frenchie or Olu about the whole thing.”
The Doctor gathered an armful of silk and cashmere and followed Lucius and Frenchie out of the captains’ cabin.
“You’ve been taking notes, haven’t you?” he said. Lucius hummed in acknowledgment. “So have you noticed anything strange recently?”
“You mean besides the actual literal Kraken attacking?”
Frenchie set his crate of marmalade down on a barrel. “It showed up right after the captains got back together,” he said. “And it keeps coming back. I think that’s weird. The Kraken’s supposed to sink ships and stuff.”
Lucius frowned. He dropped his stack of books next to the marmalade. “Now that you mention it…”
The Doctor folded some of the fabric in his arms. “What did happen between the captains?”
“You think that’ll help?” asked Lucius.
“It might, actually,” said Frenchie. “Early days, Edward painted kohl on his face and went all scary Blackbeard again, but he was calling himself ‘the Kraken.’”
Lucius’ eyes widened. “That’s right! But that’s gotta be a coincidence, right? How does Ed calling himself the Kraken summon the real Kraken?”
“Maybe the Kraken’s annoyed Edward stole his identity.”
“Um. Not sure that’s it.”
“Or he is the Kraken, for real.”
“We’ve quite literally seen him next to the Kraken.”
The gears in the Doctor’s head turned. There must be a piece he was missing, something that would make everything click into place.
“To answer your question,” said Lucius, “Stede and Ed basically had a breakup, Ed flew off the rails and went all scary Blackbeard, Stede went all bodice-ripper romantic lead and they chased each other around trying to kill each other for a bit. Ed may or may not have tossed me overboard at the beginning of all that.”
“Huh,” said the Doctor. “And he called himself the Kraken.”
“Edward calmed down a bit, though. Didn’t mind hanging out with him after a while. And then he and the Captain got back together and once they worked that out, everything was cool again,” said Frenchie. “And Captain got a bit better at the whole pirating thing, too, so that worked out.”
Donna sat down next to Oluwande and Jim, who were mostly just watching the rest of the crew set up. “So you scammed some French people on a boat?”
Oluwande smiled. “That was mostly Frenchie. He’s got a good head for that kinda thing. I just played the role of the Egyptian prince.”
“Don’t tell me you invented pyramid schemes.”
Oluwande tilted his head. “I guess it was a pyramid related scheme, yeah.”
Donna groaned. “This bitch Nerys has been trying to recruit me to her multi-level marketing scheme for ages. No, Nerys, I will not be joining and trying to recruit others to climb the ladder.”
“Who’s Nerys?” asked Jim.
“Oh, someone I know,” Donna said venomously. “The type who wears white to weddings. Always looking to undermine everyone and all that. Gleefully endorsed having my wedding reception without me.”
Suddenly, Jim held a knife. Donna had no idea where it came from– first Jim’s hands were empty, and then they weren’t. “I can kill her.”
Donna paused. She furrowed her brow. She gave a thoughtful hum.
She blinked and shook her head. “No, probably shouldn’t. Thanks for the offer, though, I suppose?”
Jim gave a firm nod.
“What’s the deal with the French ship getting set on fire?”
Oluwande chuckled. “Oh, that. They were awful to Edward, so Frenchie and Captain got dirt on the guests from Abshir, one of the servants. Captain provoked all the guests and they went absolutely mad and set the whole ship on fire.”
“So the captains are together.”
“That’s an understatement,” muttered Jim.
“But they broke up?”
“And dragged the rest of us into that fucking disaster,” said Jim. They twirled their knife around their fingers. “What a fucking mess. At least the makeover was fun.”
“I like the new hair,” said Oluwande. Jim smiled and bumped their shoulders together.
Donna leaned against the rail and watched the rest of the crew prepare for their fuckery. The plan mostly consisted of hoisting marmalade, silk, and books out over the ocean to lure the Kraken up and then pulling them back to safety before they were stolen so the Doctor could get a good look at what they were dealing with. Loud discussions of fine things were also on the agenda, just in case the Kraken could hear that (that part was mostly the crew’s idea).
The Doctor was currently struggling to untangle himself from a swath of fabric. Frenchie and Lucius tried and failed to detach the bits of fabric from each other while the Swede worriedly bounced between them, saying nothing helpful. Donna snorted.
Jim nodded at him. “So what’s your guys’ deal, really? How do you know each other?”
“Oh, he kidnapped me from my wedding.”
Oluwande and Jim stared at her.
“In a good way. Turns out my fiance was in league with an alien. Then I met the Doctor again when I was investigating a shady company, and I left with him. We travel together.”
“You see shit like the Kraken a lot?” asked Oluwande.
Donna nodded. “Last week, we were in a library with shadows that devoured human flesh.”
“Yikes.”
The Doctor finally untangled himself. He shot Donna a grin and a thumbs up.
“Back to the captains,” said Donna. “They were together, and broke up, and what? Why did they break up?”
Oluwande shrugged. “Didn’t hear the full story, but I know the gist. Captain– Stede, that is– left Edward instead of running away with him and went back to his family. Edward took it really hard and came back here, and Captain faked his death so he could be with Edward, and it was this whole big thing.”
“Stede and the rest of the crew chased Edward, Edward and us avoided them, kept running into each other, fought the English navy off together, and so on and so on,” said Jim, rolling their eyes. “Whatever. They’re back together now, which is better than apart. Somehow.”
“I think they’re kinda sweet,” said Oluwande.
“If you like things that are gross,” said Jim. Oluwande gave them a playful smack on the arm.
Donna looked over to Stede and Ed, who were sitting side by side on the stairs, heads together as they whispered intensely. Their thighs pressed together, Stede’s hand on Ed’s knee. His thumb rubbed circles over the leather of Ed’s pants. Ed snorted and Stede beamed, cheeks flushed.
They were sweet.
“Hey, sun’s gonna go down soon,” said Fang. “We gotta get a move on.”
Stede patted Ed’s knee and stood up. He clapped his hands together. “You heard Fang! If all goes according to plan, the Kraken will be lured out of the sea and into the capable hands of our guests, the Doctor and Donna. From there– well, we’ll improvise, I expect.”
“Real encouraging,” said Jim.
The Doctor jumped to his feet next to Stede and grinned. “Who’s ready for a fuckery?”
The water was calm. Donna and the Doctor stood at the railing, watching as Wee John maneuvered the rope holding the fine things out over the side of the ship.
“Oh dear!” the Swede said loudly. “All the books are in reach of the Kraken. I hope nothing takes them!”
“And– and the silk and marmalade, too!” said Black Pete. Lucius gave him a thumbs up. “Sure hope no monsters come to steal that!”
Donna smacked her head on the railing. “This shit isn’t going to work.”
The Doctor laughed. “The important part is the bait.”
The water remained as smooth as a mirror. Donna held her breath, listening to the ship creak.
A tentacle rose out of the sea.
Donna waved frantically at Wee John, who pulled the ropes back over the railing, the tentacle trailing after them. The Doctor whipped out his sonic screwdriver and scanned it as it slid back over the rail and into the water. He held it up to his ear.
“I thought it might be,” he murmured.
“What is it?”
“Have to be sure,” he said.
Tentacles slammed onto the side, sending the ship rocking, and the Kraken pulled itself higher out of the water. It reached over the railing, flailing around in search of the bait. The Swede yelped and ducked out of the way while Roach and Wee John dragged the pile of bait out of reach. Another arm wrapped around the ship. A third stretched across the deck.
“Look at you,” breathed the Doctor, “you’re gorgeous.”
“Shit!” yelled Ed. He pulled Stede out of the way and raced over to the Doctor. “Great fucking plan, dipshit!”
“Hold on!” said the Doctor. He crouched down and pressed his face to the deck. Where the tentacles had touched, there was something sticky. Not water– something else.
Donna gripped the railing for dear life. “Doctor, if you lick that, I swear to God–”
The Doctor scooped up the slime on his finger and stuck it in his mouth.
“What the fuck!” yelled Ed.
Water crashed against the side of the ship as the Kraken lashed more tentacles around it, grabbing at whatever loose things it could find on deck. Donna squeezed her eyes shut and hugged the railing tighter. Stede grabbed a rope and held out a hand to Frenchie. He caught his arm and pulled him out of reach of the Kraken, throwing him behind him in the direction of the captain’s cabin.
“Stede, you fucking idiot!” Ed shouted. “Stay the fuck back!”
“I’ll do no such thing!” Stede yelled back. “Lucius, Black Pete, get over here!”
“Bit preoccupied!” Lucius said, kicking at a tentacle.
The Doctor tasted the slime in his mouth and frowned. It tingled on his tongue and made his teeth ache, buzzing at the back of his head. If he focused hard enough–
An image flashed behind his eyes. Ed stood at the helm of the ship, eyes painted with kohl, face gaunt. His hair hung wildly around his face. He gripped a knife with trembling hands. Guilt and heartbreak pulsed in his chest.
The Doctor blinked. The image and emotions faded, leaving him with the reality of a tilting ship and water-soaked wood. He shot to his feet.
“The Kraken!” he said.
“Where the hell have you been?” said Donna. “Of course it’s the fucking Kraken!”
The ship lurched. The Doctor stumbled, but kept himself upright. “No,” he said. He spun around and pointed at Ed. “The Kraken.”
Ed froze.
“What?”
“This thing, it’s telepathic!” He raced over to Ed, gesturing wildly at the tentacles holding the ship in a vice grip. “It shoved an image into my head. I could feel it. Somehow, it’s connected to you.”
“What the hell am I supposed to do about that?”
The ship creaked under the pressure.
“Doctor?” Donna said. “If you don’t do something, this boat’s gonna break!”
“Fuck this!” shouted Jim. They slipped a knife into their hand and hurled it into one of the tentacles. The Kraken roared. It echoed across the ocean, loud as cannon fire. Several of the pirates clapped their hands over their ears.
Water splashed over the side and onto the deck. The whole ship tilted. The Doctor and Ed scrambled to grab onto something so they wouldn’t slide off into the sea.
“Ed!” Stede cried. He reached out from where he was clinging to the staircase railing.
“Stay the fuck over there!” Ed yelled.
The ship righted itself. Everyone collapsed to the deck.
Lucius screamed. The Doctor whipped his head around. A tentacle wrapped around Lucius’ ankle and dragged him towards the edge.
Donna grabbed a splintered piece of the railing and ripped it free, whirling around and smacking it into the tentacle. It released Lucius and the Kraken gave another cry.
Stede and Black Pete were at his side in seconds.
“Babe, are you alright?”
“Are you hurt, Lucius?”
The Doctor turned back to Ed. “The Kraken, it’s telepathic. I saw you, an image of you alone on the ship with kohl on your face.”
“I don’t–” Ed’s eyes widened. “Stede!”
The Doctor turned.
The Kraken lifted its injured arm, looming over Stede, who was preoccupied helping Lucius stand back up. He looked over his shoulder.
Ed took off like a shot. He slammed into the tentacle and wrestled it to the floor. “Stede, get below deck!”
“Absolutely not!” Stede said. He grabbed Ed’s arm and tried to pull him back, but the tentacle wrapped around his leg. The Kraken ripped Ed out of Stede’s grip.
Donna rushed forward and caught Ed’s hand while Lucius caught the other. Jim threw another knife into its flesh, but it held fast. Donna stomped on the tentacle hard enough that the squish was audible across the ship. It dropped Ed and wrapped around Donna’s foot instead. One of the other tentacles lashed around Lucius’ waist.
“Don- na!” the Doctor yelled. He lunged after her and yanked her free, pulling her into a tight hug. Stede and Black Pete reached for Lucius.
They were too late. The Kraken’s remaining arms encircled Lucius and swept him over the railing. His scream was cut short as the Kraken vanished under the sea, taking Lucius with it.