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It wasn't his idea. At all. He thinks he shouldn't be surprising at all it was his beloved Lan Zhan's idea. Wei Ying is sure it wasn't meant to be used as he does, but it certainly deals with his need to destroy something and his need to be loved, all at the same time. He would normally settle for destroying paper, or a notebook at most, he has some hideous ones for that purpose alone. Sometimes he would write something and destroy it to tiny little pieces with his own hands. Sometimes he would burn them too. Other times, he would skip right to the burning part. But now that he has this option... he knows he's costing his husband money. He's working on alternatives, but none are as satisfactory. None are the perfect metaphor for how he feels at those moments. They're fewer and fewer as time goes by, but still!
He can't remember exactly why they fought that first time. And he means really fighting. There had been shouts and hurled pillows (yes, they were mad, but didn't want to harm the other physically), hurtful words, tears... and a month of silence afterwards. That was the worst. For both of them. They had talked afterwards, but it was uncomfortable and awkward after a month of, well... everything? Nothing? Both? Wei Ying settled for emptiness.
They had slowly crept out of that awkwardness and resentful time. Their love had bloomed even stronger after that. Healthier too, after talking it out.
It had scared both of them, the possibility of losing the other. So, months later, it still bugged both of them. It was Lan Zhan who took initiative. He came home one night. Late. It had worried Wei Ying. They went to therapy, both as a couple and alone, and he knew Lan Zhan was incapable of– well, the point is, anxiety is quite a bitch.
Lan Zhan was smiling brightly when he came in. Excitedly, pleased, lovingly. The fact that his smile was directed at Wei Ying shut Wei Ying's anxieties and thoughts, the only that remained was "I love him. I love him so much."
Lan Zhan was holding a box. A medium one, completely white. It picked Wei Ying's attention after his husband brought him out of his thoughts and asked him to sit with him in the kitchen.
"I've been thinking," Lan Zhan started, "that fighting is something inevitable sometimes. We can end up doing it without having the intention."
Wei Ying noded, his eyes always on Lan Zhan.
"I hated the fight we had, but I think I'm glad we did." Lan Zhan took his hands and kissed them. "It gave me a new perspective and it showed me how scared I am of losing you."
Wei Ying stayed silent and waited for his husband to talk. He knew how difficult it was (and still is, sometimes) for Lan Zhan to articulate his thoughts and emotions, and even if he had already learned to read him, he knew it is healthy for him to express them. So, he waited and made small circles with his thumbs in the back of Lan Zhan's hands.
"I... I thought of this."
He untangled their hands to give him the box. When Wei Ying opens it, a white anatomical heart made out of ceramic was waiting just inside.
"It's hollow. I thought we could write in little papers what we like about each other. Not everything in a day, but whenever we feel like it. We can break it when we fight and read them. To... to remember how we feel about each other, and how the other feels about us."
Lan Zhan's ears were red by then. And his eyes were lowered to the table. Shy. Wei Ying had sprung out of his seat to kiss him and then ran for pens of different colors and papers and started writing and drawing immediately. Some, he gave directly to Lan Zhan, others, he put in the heart without letting him see. Lan Zhan followed his example.
They had to put some rules about it.
1) It will always be on display so we can access it anytime.
2) We can hide it from the visits if we are not comfortable with them seeing it and making questions.
3) It can be broken anytime, but preferably when there are no other people around. It is too personal for that.
(They had later added "A-Yuan is totally okay, he should also always have one for each of us.")
4) It should be put in at least two plastic bags so there are no shards dangerously lying around.
5) If there are no plastic bags, any shards must be cleaned up immediately after breaking it to avoid Bichen, Suibian or Chenqing from getting hurt. **A-Yuan must also be protected!** *And our feet.*
Now, a year and an adoption later, Wei Ying doesn't break them just when they fight. He does it when he's too tired, when he doesn't want his husband's words, but something tangible from the past. Proof that he was loved every single day before this one. Lan Zhan does it too. Sometimes. When he's not feeling up to talking, but still needs to express something, wanting to feel his husband's love without being verbal. If course they had a million ways to show their love nonverbally. Lan Zhan learned to cook Jiang Yanli's soup for Wei Ying, and would make it whenever he noticed his husband was struggling. Wei Ying learned the way Lan Zhan liked his tea and would create some new ones taking in consideration his tastes. Lan Zhan would always take out Wei Ying's sauces and chillies when they were about to eat, before Wei Ying could ever think of getting up for them. Wei Ying would make Lan Zhan's favorite pastries. Lan Zhan learned to get along with Jiang Cheng the way Wei Ying learned to get along with Lan Qiren...
Today, Wei Ying is just too tired. Way too tired. He hasn't shown any facial expression in at least an hour and a half. Lan Zhan doesn't know what made him this way. He arrived home with A-Yuan already in that mood. The kid plays contently on the rug with their bunnies Bichen and Suibian. Their cat, Chenqing, curls on his husband's lap, until Wei Ying gets up.
"I'm breaking our heart."
Wei Ying tells him calmly and actually proceeds to do so. He retrieves the heart from the kitchen table. His eyes are red and his hands shake from time to time. Lan Zhan clears up a space in front of the wall and Wei Ying throws the heart there, once Lan Zhan has told A-Yuan what they're doing so he doesn't get scared and gotten everyone a safe distance away from it.
Lan Zhan knows how much it worries Wei Ying that he's wasting their money each time they break a heart. Appreciates his attempts at replacing the ceramic hearts with something cheaper or handmade. But he's glad he hasn't found something satisfactory. The moment Wei Ying throws the heart at the wall and it breaks completely, he sees how Wei Ying's shoulder relax. It is an added benefit, if you ask Lan Zhan.
They pick the bag up. Thankfully, it didn't break, so they just need to get their papers out.
Later, they sit on the rug and read everything they put inside it. Some papers are old, from the first hearts they had. Others were put there just this morning.
"Love you baba, diedie!"
"Wei Ying's smile is beautiful."
"A-Yuan's hair is so fluffy!"
"A-Yuan is the best thing Wei Ying has brought into my life, other than himself."
"Lan Zhan's food is delicious, thank you for having everyone's health and tastes in mind. <3"
"Wei Ying's so considerate when planning our dates, thank you for taking everyone's preferences into account."
"A-Yuan is our sunshine."
"Baba and diedie give the best hugs and kisses."
Wei Ying cries before shortly after starting. Lan Zhan makes him sit in his lap and runs fi gers through his hair.
"Diedie, why is baba crying?"
Wei Ying takes A-Yuan and sits hints on his own lap. He kisses both his head and Lan Zhan's lips.
"I'm so glad I have you both. I'm so happy, so in love with you two... You have the best ideas, Lan Zhan."
Lan Zhan replaces the heart immediately after. Most of the papers are put inside again. Others, they put them aside just so they can rewrite them again. They have a box full of these. They revisit them too sometimes, just for the fun of it.