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The first hit came without being ready for it. Aaron stumbled back as the hand of his mother catched the soft skin of his cheek. Instinctively, his eyes widened and his small hand, still covered with baby fat, placed itself, startled, on the spot where his mother's hand had just been. Aaron's eyes began to water and he hastily wiped the wet drops from the edges of his eyes before they could even escape and run treacherously down his cheek.
Aaron could see her screaming. He could see her mouth contorting, her eyes narrowing and her whole body seemed to vibrate with rage, but he couldn't hear her. His throat felt like there was a noose around it that was tightening with every passing second, his ears were numb, like he was underwater. As his mother moved even closer to him, Aaron began to tremble like a leaf. He could smell the alcohol on her even though he was still unable to hear her. It took the six-year-old a lot of effort not to take a step back, but to stop right there.
Tilda raised her hand again and Aaron closed his eyes, knowing it wouldn't make it any better anyway. His mother's hand would still land with fury on his already reddened cheek and there was nothing he could do. Aaron waited for the blow, but it didn't come and as soon as he opened his eyes, trying to find out why, he felt it. He struggled to control the quiet sobbing that came out of his mouth as Tilda's hands suddenly closed firmly around his arm. Tilda dragged him all over the apartment and Aaron stumbled helplessly after her.
"Please don't, Mom." Aaron begged his mother when he realized where she was dragging him. Tilda ignored the little boy and pulled him along just in front of the door. She searched briefly for the various keys on her key board before yanking open the door and throwing Aaron outside. The little blonde landed on his knees, the pain from the impact going all the way up his arms, but he quickly turned around and scrambled back to the door.
Just before he could get back into the warmth of the apartment, Tilda slammed the door shut. Aaron let his tears run free as he desperately banged his little fist against the door and called for his mother. Aaron was unaware of how much time had passed before his pleading voice turned into an echoing gasp. His body froze as the chilly November wind rushed through him. Before he sat back against the door, Aaron gave it one last thud with his fist, trying one last time to get Tilda to open the door. Aaron pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapped his arms around them and gently laid his head down, red cheek up.
His t-shirt and broken jeans didn't give him much protection from the cold and he knew that Andrew, who was due home in about two hours, wasn't dressed for a few uncomfortable hours in the cold either. Shame soaked into him. Andrew and he didn't have a key to their home, Tilda had only taken it two days ago after she noticed that Andrew and Aaron were sneaking out more often than not. As usual, Aaron was at fault. He was clumsy, incapable of lying, and easily influenced by his fear. Andrew never resented him, but Aaron would sometimes sit there, looking at his brother, hoping he would eventually tell him how useless he was and how much better off he was without Aaron. Or not. Andrew was all Aaron had, except for his mother.
The wind quickly added a frosty touch to the wet traces left on his cheek. His lips trembled and turned blue as his head finally emptied and only the throbbing of his reddened cheek and his, probably, bleeding knees flowed through his body.
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''Aaron?'' A voice asked for him and with heavy bones he raised his head. He blinked a few times, his eyes focused only with difficulty on the blond mop of hair kneeling in front of him. Aaron couldn't recall dozing off. His body was now totally numb from the cold.
''Andrew.'' He whispered, his throat scratching uncomfortably. Andrew's eyes narrowed as he slipped his jacket off his arms and placed it over Aaron's body. Andrew rubbed the jacket over Aaron's freezing body with gentle hands.
''How long have you been sitting here?'' Andrew asked and Aaron could clearly hear the anger. He knew the anger was not directed at him. Not against Aaron, never against Aaron. Aaron shrugged his shoulders in response. The heat that slowly came back through the jacket burned on his ice-cold skin. Andrew gritted his teeth as he stood up from his kneeling position. He stuck his hand out for Aaron to grab and it took the blonde, freezing boy a moment until he actually took his twins hand.
Andrew dragged Aaron up and standing before he adjusted the grip on his brothers hand. Softly, Andrew took a few steps away from the porch, Aaron's hand still in his. Aaron stumbled after him, his feet still feeling so numb. His brother caught him before he could stumble down the few stairs.
''I let the window in our room open.'' Andrew explained as he, still ever so gently, pulled Aaron with him to the other side of the house. Oh, Aaron thought. Shame struck him once more. He could have checked the windows, why hadn't he thought of that himself. Andrew shook his head, as if he could see his thought process in his face.
''Stop it.'' Andrew muttered as he gently squeezed Aaron's hands for reassurance. Aaron nodded his head hastily, but tears were already streaming down his cheeks again. Without another word, Andrew pulled Aaron to his window. Andrew let go of Aaron's hands and pushed the window open, climbing in first. Quietly, the blond landed on his feet before turning back to the window and holding his hand out of it. Aaron took the hand and with Andrew's help, the trembling boy made it into his and his brother's room.
''Sit.'' Andrew pointed to his bed as he turned his back to his brother. Aaron hesitated before making his way over to the freshly made bed, sitting down onto it. The softness of the blanket under him was so much better than the hard ground on the porch.
Andrew made his way towards their closet and Aaron watched his brother pull a first aid kit out of the second drawer. He turned back around, taking the last few steps towards his twin before setting the first aid kit down onto the bed, right next to Aaron's hip. Aaron watched his twin work in silence. Andrew worked the small red box open, pulling out a few flasters and a pain soothing ointment.
Andrew opened the ointment tube and with gentle hands, always gentle, rubbed a small dose of it, on Aaron's cheek. His twin's hands left his cheek and wandered to his bruising wrists. He softly massaged the ointment into the skin before moving away from Aaron.
''Where else?'' He asked and Aaron adverted his eyes. His knees started to ache at the question but he was scared. If they were really bleeding, like he thought they had, then his jeans would most likely clinge to the wound and would make it hurt even more.
''My knees.'' He whispered back and Andrew nodded.
''Show me.'' Aaron hesitantly stood up, pulling his jeans down. Just before they would went down his knee's he stopped. He could feel the fabric clinge to his skin. Aaron bit his lip before pulling the jeans over his knees. It stunk as he did but he let the fabric fall to the floor with no sound coming from his lips. Aaron sat down again, softly stretching his legs out.
His knee's were scraped open. Aaron watched how Andrew sat down next to his legs, cleaning them before putting ointment on them. His brother added the two flasters, carefully protecting the small wound. His bones felt heavy and within seconds he felt his mind drift. He just barely felt how his brother laid him down onto the bed before sleep took him.
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''Don't hit him!'' Aaron screamed at Tilda as another fist came down onto Andrew. Aaron tried to get between them, squeeze himself between them to get their mother to back up but Tilda and Andrew weren't letting him.
''Go away, Aaron.'' Andrew gritted out as Aaron tried once more to get in between them. He gripped their mother's shirt, dragging and pleading, crying to leave Andrew alone, to get her to finally back up but she wasn't listening.
''Mom, please, please, please.'' He rambled over and over again, tears threatening to fall. He hit her a few times but Tilda didn't react. He wasn't strong enough, his tantrum like hits not meaning anything to Tilda.
It took Tilda ten minutes until she let go of Andrew. She raised her hand one last time, this time, it came down onto Aaron's check, before she left the room. Andrew and Aaron could hear a vase breaking in the living room.
''Can you stand?'' Aaron croaked as he kneeled down next to his brother. Andrew nodded, keeping quiet and Aaron could already see the bruises on his twins face. He nodded back, standing up and softly taking his brother with him. Aaron tried hard to ignore the way Andrew limped after him.
That night, Aaron stole ice from the fridge. He got another beating for this but he went upstairs, keeping quiet about what happened downstairs and handed his brother the ice to cool down his bruises.
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Birthday boys. That's what their teacher called them today. Aaron knew what day was, Aaron would always knew. If not for him, because he wasn't something to celebrate, but for Andrew. Andrew was something to celebrate. Andrew was his brother, his twin brother and Aaron would always celebrate him. He would never understand the kids that call Andrew weird. Andrew wasn't weird.
Andrew was his brother, his protector, his best friend. Andrew wasn't weird, Andrew was something to celebrate. Birthday's meant celebrating the brother he would give the world up for.
Aaron waited for his brother outside of their school, his hoodie hung loosely around his upperbody. The wind was cold, it had started to snow and Aaron was surprised because since when did it started to snow so early on? He liked snow. It was cold, white and gave the world something calming. He could wear hoodies all day without melting, he could enjoy warm things without overheating.
Aaron's favourite off all these was sitting with Andrew on a playground, drinking the hot chocolate the small kiosk right next to their school sold. It was Andrew's favourite, there was more chocolate then needed in it and Aaron hated it. He always got sick afterwards but it was worth it because it was Andrew's favourite.
Finally, the bell rung and some students ran out of the door, happy to finally get home. Aaron waited patiently for his brother, sneaking a few looks ever so often just to see if he maybe could spot his brother before Andrew would spot him. Aaron looked through the glass door, dodging the students that came out of it. It took him a few seconds before he spotted Andrew walking towards him. Aaron smiled, straightening himself out. His brother stepped through the door, stopping infront of Andrew. Aaron nearly vibriated with excitement.
''Happy Birthday, Drew!'' Aaron grinned, flipping his hands ever so slightly to get his excitement under control. He knew that Andrew wasn't good at dealing with his over the top excitement so he always tried his best to reign that in. Andrew looked at him and even if his brother wasn't smiling, he could see the hidden excitement in his eyes.
''Happy Birthday, Rin.'' Andrew answered his brother. Aaron's smile got even wider as he slung an arm around his brother, gently dragging him away from their school towards their first birthday destination. Andrew let it happen, just hardly hiding his own smile.
''Tell me, do you feel like you're already eleven?'' Aaron asked, pushing himself and Andrew around the sidewalk. Andrew looked straight forward as he nodded with his head.
''Only five more years and i can finally drive a car.'' He said as an answer and Aaron rolled with his eyes. He retreated his arm and pushed his brother gently. Andrew huffed and pushed back at Aaron.
''You and your cars.'' He complained as he stumbled. Andrew grinned as he raised an eyebrow. The blonde stayed silent, listening to his brother rant about school and god knows what. It took them both a few minutes before they arrived infront of the kiosk and as they went inside, all Andrew could smell was the sweet scent of the different candys in there.
Aaron let Andrew walk through the store alone, he patiently waited until Andrew was far enough before pulling the cash he had, out of his pocket. Silently, he counted the little cash he held. This morning, Aaron wasn't able to steal any money from Tilda, he had only took what was left of the money he had left from helping their neighboor out. Without having to even slightly do the math, he knew that the rest money he had was just barely enough for one hot chocolate.
Something hot pooled in his stomach as he pockened the money again. Disappointment? Shame? Embarassment? Aaron wasn't able to tell all of the different emotions apart anymore. Andrew would get his hot chocolate but he wouldn't and really, he found the sweet drink disgusting but it was their tradition. It was something they did every year and even though he found it disgusting and always got sick afterwards, he didn't wanted to miss out on it.
Aaron looked around, finding Andrew at the shelf with the different chocolate snow figures. His brothers eyes sparkled and Aaron was sure that Andrew wasn't aware of the fact that it was so painfully obvious how much he loved sweets. Aaron took the money out again once more, counting again and coming again, to the realization that this was just enough for Andrew's hot chocolate. He put the money in his pockets again, pushing the hot feel of disappointment down as he saw Andrew making his way towards him.
''Hot chocolate?'' He asked as he stopped right in front of his twin and Aaron nodded.
''You can get one, i don't want one today.'' Aaron said, nodding towards the machine. Andrew raised his eyebrow in confusion but nodded. They went over to the already full machine. Andrew took a papercup from the side, putting it under the opening and clicking on the 'hot chocolate' button. The machine did some funny sounds before the sweet drink filled Andrew's cup.
Aaron grabbed a lid, right next to the cups and handed it to his brother as soon as he was finished. Andrew carefully put the lid on the full cup and together they went to the counter. Aaron handed the Cashier the money. While the older woman counted, Aaron felt nervous but she just smiled at them, nodding and wishing them a nice day. Aaron nodded back, his cheeks hot from the anxiety that had just shot through him.
The way to the playground didn't took long and all the way until the got to their destination, he listened to Andrew ramble about driving cars. Aaron didn't know much about cars. He knew that some of them were expensive, sports cars and that they all looked different but that was all. He really tried to keep up with Andrew's rambling about Maserati's and Honda Accord's but there was nothing that made sense to Aaron.
Entering the playground felt nice. It was snowy and cold but Aaron would never get used to the feeling of being here with his brother at their birthday. He didn't needed that hot chocolate when he was still sitting here, with his brother, talking, play fighting, being. That was enough. Celebrating Andrew, his brother, was enough.
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Aaron felt helpless as he cleaned his brothers fresh wounds. The blood was still dripping down his arms and Aaron never wanted more than to take all the pain away from his twin. Aaron wanted to destroy everything that ever hurt Andrew and he wanted it to be now.
''Aaron.'' Andrew said, his eyes empty. So fucking empty. Aaron looked up from his task of cleaning Andrew's arms.
''It's not your fault.'' Andrew whispered, keeping his voice down to not wake Tilda up. Aaron nodded, looking back down at Andrew's arms. He laid the bloody tissues back on the bed and took new ones. He pressed them onto the wounds and as Andrew hissed in pain, Aaron's eyes widened.
''I'm sorry, Drew. I'm so sorry.'' He said, keeping the tissues on the wound. Andrew shook his head at his twin's apology but stayed quiet. Aaron didn't ask why Andrew did that, why he harmed himself because he already knew. Aaron knew the answer and he wasn't ready to hear it out loud.
''I'm sorry but we have to clean them.'' Aaron whispered again, slightly rubbing over Andrew's arm to get the already drying blood from his twins arm. Andrew nodded, his eyes turning hazy and Aaron knew that this wouldn't be the last time they sat on one of their beds, cleaning blood from each other.
Aaron minded, he always did when his twin got hurt but as long as Andrew came to him and let him care for him, he could take it. He would take it if it meant that Andrew would stay.
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''Andrew!'' Aaron giggled as Andrew walked with him on his back through the streets. Andrew grinned, jumping a little to get the slipping Aaron a little higher on his back.
''Shut up, Aaron, you're slipping when you laugh.'' Andrew laughed as he tried to not lose his grip on Aaron. Aaron threw his head back in soft giggles and Andrew stumbled a little at the change of weight. Andrew's hands got clammy as he laughed with his brother.
Andrew really tried his best to keep them upright but Andrew felt himself stumble, not being able to catch himself and his brother. A few screams and laughter later, they ended up on the side of the sidewalk. The small scratches on their arms forgotten as Aaron tried to stand up. Andrew shoved him, making his Twin fall. Aaron shoved Andrew back and it ended in a play fight of who gets to stand up before the other could push them back over.
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Aaron felt like floating. The pain from his early beating already forgotton under all those clouds in his brain. If someone would have told him years ago that he would get high on drugs, he would have laughed at them but seemingly, they wouldn't be far off. Tilda's genes, he thought with a grin straining his lips. Andrew would kill him if he would knew about this. But Andrew wasn't home and Aaron didn't care. Andrew seemed to live a life for himself, never home, never taking Aaron with him.
Andrew could do what he wanted, Aaron didn't care. Not when he felt like floating, not when the pain was no longer the only ache in his body. How could he care when all he needed were the small white pills. He would have to thank his mother for this, one day. Aaron closed his eyes as everything started to spin. That was truly his favourite part. Spinning, Spinning and never stopping. Aaron didn't hear the door opening, he didn't hear the keys jiggling and he didn't hear his brothers footsteps coming towards their shared room.
Aaron felt sleepy, and he just barely kept his eyes open when the door to the room opened. At first, the thought that he was maybe imagining things because why was Andrew here? Andrew was never here. Aaron made an attempt at leaning forward, but the fake Andrew pushed him back.
''Are you high?'' Andrew asked and Aaron grinned as he nodded his head. Still spinning, always spinning.
''Fuck yes.'' He answered, spinning slightly on his feet. Andrew pushed Aaron again and this time, Aaron fell. He landed on the soft carpet, grinning and laughing.
''Why are you even home?'' He laughed, clumsily trying to get up but Andrew kept pushing him down. Aaron tried to get up once more but Andrew just pushed him down again.
''What the fuck, Andrew.'' Aaron complained, rolling to the side to try and get up but no matter where Aaron tried to stand, Andrew kept pushing and pushing. And Aaron kept falling and falling.
''You're so fucking stupid, Aaron.'' Andrew gritted out, his hands found Aaron's collar. He dragged his brother up and away from the ground before throwing, not so gently, on Aaron's bed.
''You're going to stay there. When i get back and you just moved an fucking inch, Aaron, i swear to god, you'll regret it.'' Andrew threatened, towering over his twin. Aaron grinned, shaking his head as he tried to get up once more.
''Who do you think you are?'' Aaron laughed, the clouds in his head turned gray and he could feel himself getting closer to the edge of crashing. His limps felt heavy, so heavy.
''First you're leaving me here, disappearing without saying just a word to me and now you want to tell me what the fuck i should do?'' Aaron gritted, his voice filled with hatred. Towards Andrew, at the moment always towards Andrew. Andrew didn't answered, he just kicked Aaron back onto the bed.
''Leave me alone, thats all you're doing anyway.''
''Stay there.'' He said, before moving out of the door. And Aaron did what he was told to. Not because he wanted, not because he felt like making Andrew's job easier. Just because he was so tired. The clouds slowly turned into pounding rain and his head started to ache.
Aaron dropped his head onto the pillow, his hands went up to his temples and he slightly massaged the sore flesh there. He didn't know how long it took Andrew to come back but something cruel in his head whispered that Andrew wouldn't come back. He would just leave again, not wanting to deal with the mess of twin.
Andrew did in fact come back, and Aaron wasn't ready for it. His twin placed a glass full of water on his nightstand and Andrew turned back around, closing the door and locking them in. Aaron started to panic.
''Why did you lock that?'' He asked, crashing. Crashing, Crashing, Crashing. Everything was crashing and Andrew wasn't answering and crashing, crashing, crashing. Andrew wasn't answering and the world turned and Aaron could swear that not even his mothers beating hurted as much as Andrew's silence did.
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Aaron was fourteen and in all those fourteen years, he never felt so alone. Andrew went and started to play Exy, Aaron wasn't good enough at it to play with his brother. Andrew went and made a new for himself in school, good grades, always passing and Aaron? Aaron failed nearly all his exam's. He was Andrew's twin, never Aaron. Andrew's shadow, never himself.
And all Aaron could do was take it. Take it, take it, take it. He wasn't even able to tell his brother to not take his place today, to leave him with Tilda. He was a coward through and through.
He didn't know when their relationship went down like this. When it started to be Andrew and his twin and stopped being Andrew and Aaron. When it stopped being 'Drew' and 'Rin' and when it started to be silence and ignorance. Aaron took a deep breath before popping one of his pills.
He was alone, who would care because Tilda and Andrew definitely wouldn't. The white pill dissolved under his tounge. The bitter taste hit his nerves bud but he didn't mind, he never did.
He poured drugs in the gaping hole in his chest but it did not heal. Not today, not tomorrow. Maybe never.
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Aaron woke up hours later, just a few hours after his crash. Someone was pounding against the front door and all he could remember was standing up, opening it and coming to face with an older looking man in police uniform. He could remember the words 'mother, brother, accident.' and he could remember the way towards the hospital.
He remembered the feeling of anxiety spreading through him and he could remember how relieved he was to see that Andrew was alive and well. Aaron could remember him asking for his mother and he could remember the words 'dead' and 'sorry'. Aaron just barely remembered the tears that fell down his cheeks and he barely remembered someone saying 'Hemmicks'. His memory stopped there and some part of Aaron wished his life would have stopped there too.
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''Oh god, Andrew.''
''I'm here, Aaron. I'm here.''
''She's dead, Andrew, she's dead.''
''I know.''
Aaron didn't know if Andrew's voice really sounded relieved or if he just imagined it.
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Three days later, he finally got an explanation on who those 'Hemmick's' were. Andrew told him that they had a cousin and Aaron didn't remember what he had felt. Aaron didn't remember much from the day of the accident. He remembered the emptyness, the grieve and the relief. He remembered how Luther, or whatever that man was called, picked them up.
He remembered the man talking about someone called Nicky and he remembered Andrew staying close. Andrew. He remembered Andrew and that was enough. If Andrew stayed, he could make it.
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On day seven, Aaron's mind started to clear again. He could feel himself coming back and touching reality again. It wasn't like flying on clouds anymore. Aaron woke up with a headache and Andrew next to him in a room he just barely recognized as his new room.
His memory came back in harsh waves and made his headache turn heavy. As soon as Aaron could, he stood up, trying his best not to wake Andrew before startling out of the room into the bathroom right next door. Aaron's stomach emptied itself just seconds after his head found the toilet rim. Aaron heaved until there was nothing left except the bitter taste in his mouth. The blonde boy was just barely able to stand up and wash his mouth before he fell back down, head leaning against the cold wall behind him.
''Aaron.'' A voice warned just before a hand drove carefully through his hair. Aaron opened his eyes and was meet with the crumbling imagine of his brother. Andrew's eyes were filled with poorly hidden worry and oh, how Aaron had missed that. The gentleness coming from his brother.
Aaron said nothing, keeping his eyes on his brother and letting go. He let go of the tears, of the worry and himself. He slumped over, his forehead hitting Andrew's shoulder and Andrew let him. Andrew let him cry, let him whimper and sob. Aaron could swear he felt Andrew slump against him too.
Holding each other up, head just high enough to not drown in the sorrows that kept coming in. Aaron wanted nothing more than to finally find a end to this. To finally live a life, to finally let Andrew live a life. Aaron's hand went up and found Andrew's hoodie. He tangled his hands into the soft fabric and dragged Andrew closer to him.
Andrew went willingly, leaning against his brother instead of having Aaron lean against him. They stayed like this for as long as they needed, slowly breathing and keeping the other as close as they could. Aaron and Andrew heard steps coming and Aaron wanted to let go of Andrew, wanted to see the threat coming but Andrew kept him close.
''It's just Nicky, we're okay.'' Andrew mumbled, yet slowly letting go of his twin. They both turned to the door just as Nicky stopped to lean against the door frame. The soft and loving smile on his face made Aaron want to puke once again.
Nicky was basically a stranger, genes meant nothing and yet he took them both. He took them both with him, in a house that the boy could just barely afford, just so the twins had somewhere to go. Aaron couldn't wrap his head around Nicky, around the acts of kindness even though he didn't know them. Maybe he never would and maybe, someday, he would.
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''You're high again.'' Andrew noted with disdain as he and Nicky watched Aaron. Aaron nodded and shrugged with his shoulders. Its not like they didn't know about his problem. Nicky watched him with worry, his eyebrows ever so slightly raised.
''This stops now.'' Andrew said before moving out of the kitchen. Aaron just barely registered that his brother left and it took him until Andrew came back, an hour later, that he realized that his brother was gone longer than four minutes.
''You're back.'' Aaron said, a grin adoring his lips. Said smile fell as soon as Andrew grabbed Aaron's arm, dragging him with him without a word. Aaron heard Nicky follow and his questions on where they were going and what was wrong were carefully ignored. He was meet with silence again and everytime this happend, Aaron felt a little more like he was back with Tilda.
Andrew threw the bathroom door open before throwing Aaron into the room. Aaron mind flashed back to the days where Tilda threw him around the room and it took him a second to actually drag through the haze in his head and realize where he was. Tilda is dead, he told his brain.
Aaron turned around as he heard the lock click into place. Tilda is dead, he repeated as he breathed. Aaron crawled over to the door and god, Tilda is dead. He pounded his fist against the door and Tilda is dead. He asked for Andrew and Nicky and Tilda is dead. His questions got ignored and Tilda is dead. He screamed for Andrew or Nicky to open the door and Tilda is dead. Aaron's back fell against the door with a loud thump and Tilda is dead. He pulled his knees to his chest and laid his head onto his arms and Tilda is dead. Tilda is dead, Tilda is dead, Tilda is dead, Tilda is dead.
It took him exactly four hours until he started crashing. Aaron puked his guts out for another two hours before his bones started to feel heavy. His heart slowed and speed up whenever it felt like doing so. Aaron felt so out of control, it was scary.
''Andrew!'' His brothers name came out choked and pained. The ache in his throat clamping down on him.
''Nicky, please!'' Aaron cried and hoped that someone would hear him. That they would let him out of here. No one came. No one let him out.
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''Andrew, please. I'll stop! I'll stop just let me out of here.'' Aaron was meet with silence once again but he knew that Andrew was just right outside. He had heard him, had heard the footsteps and soft humming. Andrew had always hummed to Aaron when he couldn't fall asleep.
Aaron cried and screamed for his brother but Andrew stayed far away and the door closed.
''I hate you! I hate you so much.'' Aaron screamed, his fist pounding against the door.
''I hate that you're my brother!'' He gritted out, hitting the door over and over again until his fist felt too heavy. God he wished this would be over, he wished he could forget but wasn't that the reason why he chose drugs in the first place?
So he could forget the ghosts in his brain, the skeletons in his closet. So he could forget when he woke up screaming, so he could forget the way he fell to his bloody knees, finished to the bone? So he could forget the imagine of his brother, beatened on the ground and the version of him that was to weak to help him?
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Aaron felt like he was dying. Everything hurted and Andrew and Nicky weren't answering and he needed those drugs. And, And, And, And. His mind was running while his bones felt like they were breaking. He felt so tired but he couldn't sleep. His stomach hurted from all the throwing up and he could barely keep the food down, Nicky and Andrew put into the bathroom. He was sweaty and his hair greasy.
Aaron wished once again that he would just die.
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''Please let me out!''
''Andrew, Nicky!''
''Please, i will be better!''
''I hate you so fucking much!''
''You're just like her!''
''Andrew, Drew, please, please, please, please.''
''It hurts, Andrew, it hurts.''
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Rehab was the worst thing Aaron would say happened to him. Not even Tilda's abuse or her death would come close to whatever happened to him in that week. The next few months were hell. Andrew and Nicky worked hard to get Aaron back to his usual self but what was there to recover when all Aaron was, was the Andrew's shadow and a drug addict. And he didn't wanted to be either of this anymore.
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''You know we never meant to hurt you.'' He knew.
''We helped you.'' He knew.
''We're here.'' He knew.
''You can talk to us.'' He knew.
''We're not sorry.'' He knew.
''We won't leave you.'' He knew.
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Aaron stood outside of his and his cousins and his brothers dorm, and watched his twin walk next to the fake brunette, leaving their floor. As soon as the elevator pinged and they entered, Aaron closed the door. Andrew could do whatever he wanted, Aaron told himself. Andrew would come back, Aaron told himself.
He knew this, he really did but sometimes his brain didn't. He liked Neil, Neil was good for Andrew. He was an asshole, attitude problem through and through but oh god, they matched. Andrew and Neil matched and Aaron was so happy for his brother but the little voice in his head that was with him since childhood always called for Aaron's anxiety.
He breathed through the growing pit in his stomach, using 'Bee's' advice on how to work around his anxiety.
''Aaron?'' Aaron looked up at Nicky. His cousin petted the empty spot on the couch, next to him and Aaron went willingly. Nicky was here and Andrew would come back. He was fine and so was Andrew.
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Birthday boys, Aaron thought as he sat next to his brother on the rooftop. Aaron knew about Andrews fear of heights but he wouldn't say anything against it, as long at his brother wanted to get up here.
''Happy Birthday, Rin.'' Andrew whispered, his eyes never finding Aaron's. Aaron smiled slightly at the mention of his childhood name.
''Happy Birthday, Drew.'' He whispered back, his eyes never leaving Andrew. It was quiet for a few moments, the cold november wind storming through them, making Aaron shake a little.
''We don't have hot chocolate.'' Andrew joked softly and Aaron though that this version of Andrew, the vulnerable boy, was something only resorted for Andrew's family. Aaron nodded, knowing that Andrew had used the last bit of chocolate powder this morning.
''I don't mind.'' Aaron said. They hadn't kept up on this tradition since Aaron became addicted.
''You never did, you despited it.'' Andrew chuckled, his eyes finally meeting Aarons. The latter raised his eyebrows.
''You knew?'' He asked dumbly and Andrew nodded.
''I'm your brother, Aaron. Of course i knew.'' Andrew replied and Aaron felt a comfortable warmth spread in his body. Aaron's lips stretched into a smile. Andrew looked at Aaron and before shaking his head, slumping an arm over his brother and pulling him in.
''Stop smiling.'' Andrew said, a smile stretching his own lips. Aaron muttered a quiet 'no' in Andrew's hoodie. Aaron pushed himself away from Andrew after a few more seconds, sitting back upright.
''I'm not regretting it.'' Aaron said and in the corner of his eyes, he saw Andrew nod. Something cold hit his face and as he looked up, he was meet with small, soft snowflakes. He laughed, leaning back as he tilted his head a little wider back.
''It snows.'' Andrew noted, tipping his head back and letting the snowflakes fall onto his face.
''Just like when we were turning eleven.'' Aaron replied. In this moment, it felt like all his worries fell from his shoulders. One day, and Aaron was sure of that, he would be fine. One day, Tilda wouldn't haunt him as often anymore. One day, he wouldn't freak out whenever Andrew left with Neil and Aaron would patiently for this day to arrive.
Because Andrew was here, and Andrew was worth it because Andrew was something to celebrate. Because Andrew was his brother. Because Andrew was enough of a reason to finally get his life rolling. Because Andrew did not sacrifice so much for Aaron, just to waste his chance at life.
''Let's get back inside, shall we?'' Andrew said, already raising to his feet. Aaron followed after him, back into the warmth. The way back to the dorm was quiet except the gentle shoving and Aaron's quiet laughter.
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Aaron was worth it, Andrew thought as he watched Aaron play fight with Neil and Nicky. Aaron was worth the pain, the anger, the betrayal, the sleepless nights and the beatings. Aaron, his brother, his twin, was worth it. Because Aaron was something to celebrate.