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He stormed out of the room, after holding his ears shut but that turned out not to be a big enough indicator that he did not want to hear more appraising of the fantastic love making skills of Tyler Green.
Like on a mission, he marched in the men’s restroom and closed the door quickly behind him.
He would not be able to just go back to work like nothing just happened. Or like a colleague just told him how she jeopardized the case because she couldn’t keep her legs together. No, it wasn’t just a colleague telling him of a huge mistake that never should happen in their line of duty. It was a close friend... no, not even just a close friend, not for him at least.
It was the one that got away.
And as it wasn’t hard enough to think back to February 2020, it was even harder hearing her having found her person, so it seemed.
But how could that be? Could life be so cruel to give her a chance with a perfect happy ever after? Why couldn’t he find his person? But he did not need to ask that question. It was clear to him, he already found her. But she did not seem to feel the same way. When did it all go wrong? What were the mistakes he made? He asked himself that a lot since they started working together again.
He wanted to give her space, give her time. Maybe she would miss him, maybe she would give him another chance. What had Tyler done that made such a difference to her? She didn’t even like him at first, did not want to work with him like a stubborn little child. When did that switch into love and desire? Which warning signs did he miss? Could he have prevented it?
But why should he? She seemed happy now. Full of life and energy and was beaming with love. Didn’t she deserve all that? Didn’t he swear to himself that he always wanted to make her happy, no matter what it took?
Why should it matter that in the process he got hurt and left behind? It wasn’t the first time he put his own needs behind those of others. He was used to that. Phil once said with his selflessness he would always stay alone. One of the reasons he was so happy to have Roxy and Lou at least, because beside them, it seem like Phil might have been right all along.
But he couldn’t just go and take what he wanted. He was never that selfish or manipulative to maneuver people in to the positions he wanted them to be. He let people come to him willingly and let everything play out by itself. But how did that work so far? He was standing in a men’s restroom staring at his own reflection in the mirror and wondering why he was angry at her.
He should be angry at himself, because he wasted the chance he had. He had let her go and did not try to convince her that it was just the wrong place, maybe also the wrong time. No, he did not fight for her and he could only blame himself for losing her.
Losing sounded funny, you could just loose what you had, but he never had her in the first place. He never reached her heart in the way she touched his. He had to accept that if he wanted her to see how much he still cared for her and he would have to prove that. But how could he now go to her and talk about that, after she found her match.
She would not laugh at him, but why would she drop Tyler and run in to his arms? Because it was less trouble to date a fellow agent then a witness in an ongoing case? No, it would be also against protocol. Wasn’t that the reason in the first place why he just asked her out, when she had already left the FBI? Because that would not be an issue anymore.
Now it was like in those first few years, when he would have never explored those feelings for her further, to not disturb the team dynamic. He had his chance and he didn’t use it. And Tyler? He grabbed what he saw and won her heart easily. He didn’t second guess, he didn’t wait years, he just waltzed in and took over her world.
He could have never done that. He overthought everything, wondered how it would impact and if the risks outweighed the gains.
But that wasn’t a strategic mission in war, it was just feelings. They are never logical, or well-timed or appropriate. They just come when they come and people, who just follow them blindly, could win it all or loose it all. But wasn’t it worth to try? Why didn’t he? He always wanted to be there for her when she needed him. And he was, when Reid was in prison, when she watched those terrible slasher videos to find clues, during the stalking case when she had to fight her anxiety...
There were so many times when he tried to be there for her in the best way he could, but wasn’t that the problem? He turned in one of her best and most loyal friends over the years with all those acts. He never told her he did this because she meant the world to him. How could she know? His good deeds could have been seen as a very supportive friend. So didn’t he, in the end, put himself so deep in the friend zone that she wouldn’t see through that all of it was just for her, because he actually loved her without a doubt.
Who was to blame, if not him, for her ending up with Tyler? Did he push her to him?
He is shaking his head and staring down at the sink underneath him.
For a moment he just wished to flow away like the water down the drain, to been carried away somewhere where all those questions would not haunt him anymore.
But he was here to do a job. The victims deserved justice and it wasn’t their fault that he fought for everyone, but not for himself.
If he wasn’t going to stand up and fight for his feelings, he would have to live with the out comes around him. But Sicarius? He cannot get away.
They all put too much work and time in. So Luke should go back to do what he is good at and hunt a fugitive.
No, he was not trying to use the case to distract him from his own personal problems. He had to revalue his priorities. It had always been the job, no matter if he was a Ranger, a fugitive hunter or a profiler. The mission comes first.
Is that why he never really knew how to take care of his private life? Because it always came last. Maybe he should be just grateful that he managed to hold a long, deep, and meaningful relationship to Roxy and now also Lou. Ok, maybe they weren’t human but they were there for him, when he came back after the war, when Phil struggled with his recovery, when Lisa came, when Phil died, when Lisa left, and when he wasn’t able to show Penelope how much she meant to him.
How did he end up thinking about her again? Didn’t he already agree that the mission is more important? But maybe his heart, which was silent for so long, couldn’t be held back anymore and it had to scream out at him. At the worst possible timing he realized, but that was something he was good at: bad timing- story of his life.
The vibration of his phone shook him out of his deep thoughts and he realized how long he had taken refuge in the rest room.
There was new information on Sicarius and he had to go back to work, to get on with the mission. And in the end, he always followed the command, no matter what that would leave him with, like the good soldier he was.
Leaving one victim behind,
his own heart.