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Raph growled as he rubbed his eyes. The glare from the TV was making them sore. He picked up his phone from where it was resting on the back of the couch, turning it on and glancing at the time displayed.
2:35 smiled brightly back at him, making him huff and toss the phone on the cushion next to his leg.
He knew he should be in bed at this time of night, or Leo and Master Splinter would be on his case in the morning, but sleep was not forthcoming. Not after today.
Stupid cockroach, Raph cursed in his head. Just the thought of the little monsters sent his skin crawling. He brushed off his arm, just in case.
Ugh! Why? Why did this phobia have to bother him so badly? Why couldn't he be like his brothers? They didn't have to deal with it. They weren't petrified of the tiny little bugs, so why was he? He may have acted all big and bad today, but truth be told, this latest encounter messed him up. Donnie's psycho roach coming after him with every intent to kill. To kill him, to kill his brothers if they got in the way.
I hate ‘em. The lot of ‘em.
It drove him crazy. This fear hindered everything. His training, his free time, their missions. Everything. If only he hadn’t ever fallen into that hunk of garbage when he was little. The little critters all over his arms and legs, completely covering his body, biting and biting, enough to draw blood….
Stop it! he admonished , You're gonna freak yourself out even more. He breathed in deeply, trying to practice all the techniques his father taught him. Releasing it, he draped his arms over the back of the couch, bringing his thoughts back to the television in front of him, now playing some black-and-white movie that he didn't care to acknowledge.
Snatching up the remote from the armrest, he flicked through the channels, one after the other. As he did, his thoughts once again turned to the events of the day.
He had finally thought he had conquered his fear; then, lo and behold, Mikey tells him, he slipped one down his shell. Bam! He's back to making a complete fool of himself, running, flailing, and screaming, while his brothers just looked on and laughed at him. That was one of the main problems of the day (along with Donnie creating the stupid thing in the first place); his brothers laughed at him. True, Mikey and Donnie didn't know the whole reason he was terrified of the bugs, but they knew he didn't like them. But yet they continuously tormented him with this fear, Mikey especially, dangling it in front of him, constantly reminding him of his shortcomings.
But Leo…. Leo knew what happened that day when they were young; was there with him when it happened; was there through the terror, calming him, cleaning the blood off his body, knew what sparked this intense phobia of his; and yet he still laughed at him.
That was probably the worst part. The fact that his only older brother was making fun of him, saw his fears and thought it was so freaking hilarious.
That, to Raph, showed he wasn't good enough for his big brother. He may not show it, but one of the things he longed for was respect. Respect from all his family, but especially his older brother and father. That also warring with the need to make a name for himself in the shadow of the perfect son and the brainiac, left him confused and frustrated more often than not.
His thoughts were straying again. He focused on the TV once more, hoping to stay out of his own mind. This was bugging him more than it should.
He shuddered. Bad choice of words.
He managed to preoccupy himself for a bit once he settled on a channel. Some comedy that made him smirk wryly. Mind on that, he didn't notice anything else until a brush on his arm made him jump a mile in the air with a squawk. He whipped around to see the one and only Leonardo leaning on the back of the couch, arms folded over the top, half-apologetic, half-amused smile adorning his face.
“ Leo! ” he hissed as quietly as possible, mindful of their father and little brothers still sleeping, hand over his heart as if to slow its pounding.
“Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you. I thought you heard me coming.”
Raph glared, but gave a halfhearted shrug. “S’okay. Just don't do it again.”
“Deal. Mind if I join you?”
Raph shrugged again, moving over slightly, though it was unnecessary with how big the couch was. “No, it's okay.”
Leo plopped down gracelessly next to his younger brother. “So, what are we watching?”
“I don't know. Just turned it on. Some comedy as far as I know.”
Leo just nodded.
A comfortable silence settled over the two for a bit, eventually broken by Raph.
“So why are you up?”
“Couldn't sleep,” Leo shot back easily.
“Liar.”
Instead of growing defensive, as Raph expected, Leo chuckled. “Actually, I couldn't. I just saw the TV on and thought I'd investigate. How about you?”
“Same.”
“Oh.” There was a lengthy pause, then, “How come?”
Raph huffed. Typical Leo. If he thought something was bothering his brothers, not even the end of the world itself could stop him from prying it out of them. Leo saved him the trouble of answering, however.
“Is it about today?”
Raph entertained the thought of denying it, but he was too tired and emotionally drained to keep up the facade. Why was it sometimes so easy to let down his walls around Leo; but other times, Leo was the reason they came up in the first place? The thought made him wonder.
“Yeah. Yeah, it is.”
“I bet it was hard. You know, facing down that giant roach.”
Raph jumped to his feet, forgetting to keep his voice low, “Don't pretend you know what it's like! You have no idea.”
“Actually, little brother,” that gave him pause, “I know exactly what it's like.”
Raph sank slowly back into the cushions, listening to his brother’s soothing voice. Raph distantly wondered if he was using it on purpose or if he even knew.
Leo continued, “I have to face my fears every time we go to the surface. And every time one of you gets hurt. And it never gets any easier. So I know exactly how you feel.”
Raph sighed. Of course he understood. He always understood, somehow. That was just Leo's nature.
He sighed again, at the same time admitting, “No, it wasn't easy, that was for sure. Definitely not a night I'd put on my ‘Best Night Ever’ list.”
Leo snorted at that, a rather undignified sound, and it made Raph smile slightly.
“No, I wouldn't either.”
Silence prevailed, save for the low chattering of the television. It seemed, to Raph at least, rather tense. Or maybe that was just his inner thoughts swirling around his head. One thought was predominant though, and it passed his lips before he could fully think it through: “How come you never told me?”
Leo raised his shoulders in reply.
“That’s not an answer.”
Keeping his eyes trained on the TV, Leo said, “I don’t know. Never came up.” But the way he phrased it, made it sound like a question.
“That’s not it. You’re a terrible liar, you know.”
Leo looked affronted at being called a liar, but hung his head, placing his hands on his bare knees. “.....Because I didn’t want to seem like a wimp,” he responded at length, looking almost ashamed.
Raph scooted closer, slinging an arm around his older brother, jostling him slightly in an attempt to get Leo to look at him. When he did, Raph gave him a reassuring smile. “Nah, bro. That’s a good fear. It doesn’t make you a wimp. It makes you a good big brother. And you don’t have to be afraid to talk to me. I’m always here for you.”
Leo chuckled. “Even when I make you mad?”
“....Yeah, even then.”
Leo’s smile softened, wrapping his own arm around Raph in return.
They stayed that way for a moment, Raph hoping one of their little brothers wouldn’t catch them in the act. Leo spoke up once more.
“Hey, Raph? I’m sorry I got so angry today, and then made fun of you.”
Raph pulled away, sending his brother a shocked glance. “How’d you know?”
Leo grinned. “I always know when something bothers my bros. Plus you faced one of your worst fears.” He glanced down, smile dropping. “I’m sorry for laughing. That was pretty terrible of me.”
“Darn right it was. You know why I don’t like them.”
Leo squeezed his eyes shut, thinking back to that day. It still made him shudder. “I know, I know. I don’t know why I laughed. I feel horrible. I’m so sorry.”
Raph sighed, resting his head on Leo’s shoulder as fatigue overcame him, reputation forgotten. Leo’s arm came around his shoulders again. It reminded him of times passed, when Donnie and Mikey would go to bed. He and Leo would stay up together, watching movies and enjoying one another’s company; just the two of them. When did those nights end? Probably around the time Raph began developing his temper, and he and Leo began drifting apart.
“I forgive you, ya big dork,” Raph huffed. “It just felt…. It made me feel bad.” Then he grunted. “I feel incredibly stupid saying that.”
Leo tightened his hold on his shoulders. “Don’t,” he whispered. “You have a right to feel that way. And you don’t sound stupid. I shouldn’t have made fun of you. I can’t tell you enough how bad I feel for that.”
Raph lifted his head and poked Leo hard in the nose. “And I said I forgive you. So let it go already.”
Leo smiled. “Alright.” He paused, before his smile turned sly. “You know, I don’t think I’m gonna go back to sleep, so….do you want to watch a movie?”
A grin overcame Raph’s face. “Bro, you read my mind.”