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That tenderness in her eyes stunned him. He had not realized someone could look at another so… so lovingly.
Something deep in him prickled at his chest when he saw it.
Well good for them right? He cared for both Tav and even Gale although he wouldn't dare admit it outloud. So why wasn't he happy for them? Should he be? Everyone else seemed to be.
So why did his stomach seem to churn and his chest hurt whenever she looked at Gale so tenderly?
He wandered back to that moment under the stars. It had only been a few days since they had met. He wasn't prepared for how keen Tav’s insight was. She had seen right through his flirtations. She knew he wasn't being sincere in the slightest and walked away.
When he tried again during the camp celebration after they rescued the refugees at the grove she turned him down yet again. He remembered how funny it was. She had just left silently with a roll of her eyes after he tried to lure her in with an offer of a night of passion. It didn’t hurt then of course because he didn’t really care for her at the time.
It appeared that she wanted a genuine connection, and vulnerability in a lover. (And of course to not be manipulated). He couldn't give that to her then. He'd rather fight and claw at others than expose his heart. That was how the Astarion before felt.
The Astarion now? Well he had already been vulnerable to her because he grew to trust her. When she stood up for him against that vile drow back at moonrise it had changed everything. To her it was a simple gesture, something that she didn't even have to think about. And then he realized that she would always be like that. That she had always been like that this whole time. Unwavering kindness, not just because it benefitted her but because she valued him as a person and a friend.
He frowned as he watched them across the main room of the Elfsong. Gale was holding her hand and kissing the back of it so reverently. She looked completely enamored as she let out a sweet giggle. He started mumbling something against the back of her hand but he couldn't hear it. Whatever it was, it made Tav delighted.
He felt like he wanted to gouge out his own chest just to get rid of the empty awful feeling that refused to be ignored at the sight.
Gods fine he would admit it to himself at least. He could at least be honest with himself if not anyone else. He wanted her. He wanted her to look at him the way she looked at Gale.
And he realized now that maybe there had been a chance to have her but he had ruined it. He had no idea how wonderful she could be. How much she could care about him and about others. It bothered him at first but he grew to like it. Her kindness helped him. She had seen something in him that even he couldn't see. That he could be better than his old master. He was incredibly grateful for that.
He turned away when he heard Tav asking for a kiss from Gale. He couldn't bear to watch it.
Gale.
Gale had been an open book for her. He wasn't afraid to shower her in his love and she was all too happy to bask in it and to give in return.
Even with Gale's flaws she accepted him and then loved him deeply. She accepted and loved everyone in their group despite how fucked up they all were. But Gale? Gale had been forward with his feelings. He knew how to cultivate a romantic bond and he allowed it to grow and flourish between himself and Tav.
Astarion had no clue how to do that but he was sure Tav would have been open to him anyway, if only he had been sincere from the start. But then again how could he have known how important Tav would become to him? How dearly he would end up adoring her? Back then she was just a means to upping his survival. Now she was so much more.
All he could do now was feel his undead heart ache as he watched her with the wizard. Maybe it was for the best after all. She deserved someone with less baggage. Someone who could walk in the sun when this was all over.
At least she didn’t hate him and considered him a dear friend. That would have to be enough.