Chapter Text
"You know what, if your life is all together, good for you. If you're just here to judge me, I'd rather be gone than dealing with your constant emotional bombard. If only we never met."
What if the last words you remember from someone were actually so hurtful that no one should ever hear them? Yeah, it's very classic, right. Chan thought so, too.
Initially, he felt he would be permitted because he had been under immense pressure of the fear of losing... everything. Quite literally. He could sense how he was lost from the limelight, a fading idol. He felt like he was being forgotten for turning thirty-eight. Thirty-eight. If he had studied business like - what he thought - ordinary people would, he would have been a manager. Probably, he had a loving partner - a wife or a husband - with children. It could be funny if he actually had twins. He had always wondered about it.
Yet, he couldn't. He could never.
He was trained as an idol when he was eight. He never finished school and, quite frankly, was never the most brilliant child. Everyone always thought that "being famous" meant forever. Yet, Chan witnessed how people dropped like flies in his line of work. Gone. Forgotten in seconds.
Chan could never afford forever. He can not afford "living in the now," being there and then.
Or so he dearly believed.
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"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you~"
It was October 3rd, 2036.
Chan didn't remember the last time he felt excited about celebrating a birthday. 2023? Perhaps. He remembered being regarded as among the most promising gen-4 producers ever. There were sold-out tours, invitations towards prominent events... He thought his life was completed. As a child, he tirelessly worked for those things, being apart from everyone and everything he was familiar with.
" Gave up my youth for my future. I just want to. Rise up stronger."
Social path. Chan wrote that. Boy, how he meant that.
At the time, his mind was preoccupied with "the idol" business: producing music, going on shows, and making fan banters here and there... He had never thought that all of them would end.
Not until three years later, when his members left for the military individually. Not when gen-5 arose people's attention span dropped to 1 second. Not when the pool of fans grew younger and younger.
"Bang Chan, who?"
He started hearing that as soon as he turned thirty.
So, again, about the birthday. No. Chan was not exactly excited.
Yet, Lino texted him quite specifically that day, "If you are not showing up at your best, I am going to send the most feral cats I can ever find to have you murdered."
Albeit still feeling unmotivated, he fondly recalled how he chuckled.
After years, Chan found Lino exponentially became the glue in their - Stray Kids members - relationship. He was the one who always put the most considerable effort to include everyone. Quite literally.
Felix's brand launching? He would show up.
Hyunjin's painting exhibition? He made sure to come and made everyone bring him a flower.
Han's studio launching? He made sure that Chan gave him enough guidance.
So many details amazed Chan, even when it concerned himself, too.
In fact, Lino had not-so-subtly rang the alarm for Chan to see.
"You need to get help, Chan. There's no shame in that. I had that, too."
That was among those rare times when Lino put a severe tone upon finding the empty liquor bottles tossed around Chan's studio.
Chan just earnestly laughed until his dimple showed. He so dearly believed that Lino wouldn't notice that: the attempt to dodge away the fear and insecurity.
Do you think you can dodge the topic with a smile? We both know you are not that witty to hide from the dire situation. You never were."
Chan remembered how he immediately went shut. He also recalled Lino placing himself calmly and slowly on the sofa scattered with used papers.
"It is okay to be afraid, Chan. It is normal, especially when you don't mature like children."
Chan remembered how he frowned afterward, "I don't know what you mean. I am pretty fine as a kid."
Lino noticed the sour atmosphere which suddenly engulfed them. Perhaps that was why he took a good sigh and deep ponder before he started, "Listen, Chan. You started a life far away from everyone when you were fifteen. That was when you needed to be taken care of and didn't receive it well. Then, when you were still equally young, you had to take care of others. It was not natural maturation. If now comes the point where you feel like your world is falling apart, it is perfectly normal to be. So is if you think help is the way to heal that."
Chan had his mouth zipped. It was his habit every time he felt offended, including if he was offended by truth. As always, Lino could tell that. He always could.
That was a few months before the birthday night.
Fast forward to that particular day, Chan's thirty-eight birthday, he had felt low again throughout the whole morning. Lately, he had been trying to flirt with anyone that would come to mind. He wanted to sweep away all the dragging feeling which held him captivated. He kept it from everyone, of course, including Lino.
He feared that he would judge him so severely if the cat-eye would notice. After all, Lino was the only one in the world who could read him like an open book.
In reality, he did not find the flirting helped one bit. Not at all. He just felt increasingly miserable because... He felt as if these people came, loving all the glitters he had done, the songs Chan had written, the awards he garnered, and not..... Chan.
Not the man who had never known what it felt like to be a child who could hide in his parents' embrace because of how grueling and broken the world has been.
Not the man who could say openly about how unsure or scared he was if things would work
Not the man who felt like he had lived but never truly lived .
So, as the birthday party came by that night, Chan remembered how he had to fake a smile.
Lino gracefully arranged Chan's birthday party from the beginning 'till the end. He was growing more elegant - albeit still random - than he could ever be. Lino was still the cats' dad. Sadly, his previous cats had died, so he had adopted more. Lino had tried to date several people, but those had yet to work. Chan, of course, knew because Lino was always an open book for him.
"Make a wish, old man. Seriously, you are an old man now. Soon enough, you will have to walk on crutches." Lino still playfully made a banter.
"Make a wish, hyungiee~ You are still the best man in the universe!" Felix added, still being the happiest kid - now a man - ever existed.
The other Stray Kids members were also there, happy and goofy. Chan swore that he would want to be happy like them. He promised that he didn't mean to ruin the mood. Yet, as soon as Chan blew the candle, as the eager seven other eyes made a playful joke about what Chan could probably wish for, resentment filled his whole system. He couldn't even tell the reason. It was as if his entire system went autopilot, into a setting "bitchy" mode, right away.
"Shut up. You guys don't care and don't even want to know. You guys are even here just to be polite."
Of course, the once lively party went dead silent. For a while, they had noticed that Chan hadn't felt well. But that was the first time that they witnessed how Chan became like a different person.
"Eyy, we're sorry, hyung. You don't have to be so harsh." Changbin, still engulfed in disbelief, was still trying to lighten up the mood. Having been working with Chan for years, he noticed that sometimes, Chan would make a joke. He believed that night was one of them... Unless it wasn't.
"Yeah, right, I don't, if you guys don't stop butting into my life. Disliking me for things that I do. Pretending like you care."
"Excuse me, what?" This time, Hyunjin raised his voice in disbelief, "What is wrong, Hyung? If you don't feel well, isn't it better to tell your story than harshly make comments about us?"
"I'm fine, okay! I feel wonderful!" Chan responded harshly and angrily.
"You certainly don't sound like you're fine, though." This time, I.N. made a sharp comment, trying to be stern although still confused.
"Oh, now you want to be sassy too? Where had the youngest attitude gone away, huh?"
I.N. was annoyed as he continued, "If you suddenly forgot, I had always been like this, hyung. As a matter of fact, when we were younger, you used to love me for that. You don't even seem to be bothered by it last year. I guess you are the one who is wronged here."
"I.N. isn't completely wrong, even though he isn't entirely correct either, Chan." Oddly drowned in silence, Lino suddenly raised his voice, "I told you that you can't just bottle up every pain and wish everything will suddenly be washed away. That's not how a human being functions."
Chan turned his head, getting grumpier each second, "Oh wow. The great Lino is suddenly a therapist now, going around judging people? What do you want to do next, telling me I should get help?"
"Yes. And I mean it with the best intention possible." Lino's voice was so unwavering yet caring.
"Then you are wrong! I am excellent, thank you very much for asking; by the way, none of you asked!" This time, Chan was full-blown roaring.
"We did ask! And you said you are okay!" This time, Hyunjin screamed back, growing increasingly in disbelief with each passing second.
"Well, yeah! Who would want to listen to the truth if he had just had another painting gallery open? Who would want to truly listen when they are already so engrossed with their own achievements. They would pretend that they want to care, but it's just about wanting to flash how good their life is and how thankful they are that their life is not as miserable as the others."
"ARE YOU FOR REAL, HYUNG?! WHAT THE FUCK?!" Hyunjin was at the top of his lungs this time. He was ready to punch, which was thankfully held back by the other members. Although he still continued with more anger,
"We never complained when you got all those Komca credits years ago. We applauded by your side when everyone thanked you for your accomplishment as an idol or an artist. We were genuinely happy for you, and we supported you. Now, after years, we finally got to make our own marks, and you made fun of us? I don't know what is wrong with you lately, but this is not an excuse to be an asshole!"
Before Chan could retort further, Lino dragged himself outside, "That's enough, Bang Christopher Chan, Hyung. You don't have to attack everyone just because you feel okay. We love you. But that doesn't mean we deserve to be treated like a punching bag."
"Then leave me alone. You are the one who arranged this party, not me. I didn't want to do anything with it."
Lino stared at him disbelievingly before he sighed, "Yeah. But I am not sorry. You need friends more than ever. I knew the feeling of."
"You know what, SHUT UP! You don't know me. You never did. None of you did. Leave me alone," Before Lino could finish, he found Chan roared so loudly to the empty street. Also, without letting Lino even respond, Chan walked away while still adding,
"You know what, if your life is all together, good for you. If you're just here to judge me, I'd rather be gone than dealing with your constant emotional bombard. If only we never met. Perhaps, I would have been happier with a loving partner, and twins, instead of being surrounded with miserable selfish people like you all are!"
"Be careful about what you say, Hyung." Chan still heard Lino's remark before disappearing from the cat-eyed's vision.
If only he had listened better, for he never knew what awaited him in the future.