Archive of Our Own

"Alarm!" followed by a knock on his bedroom door that was already half open wakes Joel on his 36th birthday.

"Why is it going off so late?" the annoyed voice continues, "we are so late!"

Still trying to wake up, he doesn't answer before hearing a second knock on another door. "Ellie, why aren't you up? You'll be late?" followed by the door opening and "Ellie?" and then a long sigh.

"Hey, is Ellie with you?" 14-year-old Sarah, the owner of the annoyed voice, pokes her head all the way into his room, looking frazzled.

Joel glances to his side, and yep, a small lump under a fuzzy rocket ship blanket confirms that 9-year-old Ellie is in his bed and not hers. Again.

"Here," Joel confirms, rubbing his younger daughters' backs. "C'mon, Ellie. We slept in today. It's time to get up."

The sleepy face that turns towards him looks puffy and red, and it all comes back. The nightmare, her worst in a while, drove her to his room at 2am, sobbing that she was alone, all alone, and everyone had left her. It had taken almost an hour to calm her down, and Joel now vaguely remembers resetting his alarm to give them a little extra time to sleep and accepting that they'll take an attendance hit at school.

According to Ellie's therapist (God, his 9-year-old has a therapist; how have they gotten here?), when this happens, he is supposed to take her back to her bed, soothe her there, and then go back to his bed. He genuinely likes Ellie's therapist, Lauren, and he's not questioning her, but he can't bring himself to drop his crying child back in her bed at 2am. Call him weak, but the only sane course of action he can see when her tear-stained little face shows up next to his in the middle of the night is to pull her into his bed, hold her close, and promise he's not going anywhere until they both fall back to sleep exhausted.

Sure, it's not always a nightmare that causes her to bed hop in the middle of the night. Many nights that she pops up next to him, there isn't a specific reason; a noise, a shadow, or Joel suspects she just wakes up, can't get herself back to sleep, and gets lonely.

Honestly, he's not sure Ellie has ever slept a full night in her life.

(Thank God for the incredibly nice rocker recliner that had been a hand me down from a cousin when Ellie was born. He slept in that chair more than his own bed for the first 2 years of Ellie's life.)

When this current iteration of Ellie's battle with sleep started, she was about 3. It had started immediately after an incident, now referred to as "the thing," when her mom blew into town after at least 6 months of being gone, so it didn't seem strange when she suddenly wouldn't sleep alone. He figured it was a stage; she wouldn't go off to college still sleeping in his bed, right?6 years later, he's starting to doubt that logic, hence the therapist, and then ignoring the therapist's suggestions and probably failing his younger daughter's development and future happiness in some way.

To add to all the ways he's failing his older daughter, currently ordering Ellie out of bed to get dressed in clothes she had helped Ellie choose and lay out at the start of the week.

"Your clothes are on your desk, and no swaps today." Ellie whines but hops off the bed and runs across the hall to her room. Sarah turns and gives him a look over Ellie's head as she runs past her and mouths, "Again?"

"Do I have to wear my school shirt?" Ellie calls from her room, obviously not thrilled with the clothing laid out for her. "I want to wear my NASA shirt."

"Yes, you have assembly today, so you're wearing your school shirt. Be dressed in 5 minutes." Sarah responds. She turns back to Joel, arms crossed, eyebrows raised.

He doesn't blame her irritation; they had been doing better. There is a chart with stickers and rewards, and there has finally been some forward progress, with Ellie sometimes spending almost a full week in her own bed. They also seem to have backslid a little bit.

Joel shrugs, buries his head in his hands, and tries to shake the fog out of his brain:" Nightmare. Bad." Sarah's face softens, and she makes a small "aw" sound toward Ellie's door.

"Hey Ellie, remember it's Dad's birthday, so you can help me make birthday breakfast once you're dressed."

A muffled "yay" comes from Ellie's room, and Sarah smiles as she heads downstairs. Joel finally stumbles out of bed to start getting ready.

Joel had almost managed to forget about his birthday despite Sarah and Ellie's reminders. He isn't against birthdays; he loves celebrating his girl's birthdays. Now that they are both older, it's even more fun to team up with the other to get balloons and banners put up around the house and plan surprises. Both have summer birthdays, so it is easy to celebrate on the day. Joel always tries to take off work when they fall during the week. Everyone gets to enjoy sleeping in and having a big breakfast of the birthday girl's choosing, followed by various activities. So, yeah, he loves celebrating the girl's birthdays, celebrating them, their very existence, and everything they bring to him and their little family. But for himself, Joel prefers when his birthday falls on a weekday, easier to avoid. Unless that is you have two little girls who love celebrating birthdays.

******

Less than 10 minutes later, Joel makes it into the kitchen to find Sarah at the stove working on breakfast. Ellie is seemingly tasked with carrying plates to the kitchen table to get it set for breakfast. She beams at him as he squeezes past, yelling, "Happy Birthday, Dad! Sarah said she could make pancakes for breakfast for your birthday!"

He drops a quick kiss on the top of her head as he makes a beeline for the coffee maker that Sarah had mercifully turned on already, and thus securing herself favorite child for the morning.

"Dad, Dad, why was the pancake arrested?" Joel bit back a groan. Ellie loved her jokes and puns, and they've gotten used to indulging her, but that is much harder than before coffee.

"For un waffle activities!" Joel manages a weak chuckle, and Sarah rolls her eyes. Ellie howls with laughter, undeterred by her family's less than enthused reactions.

"5 out of 10 for being topical." Sarah announces, "Don't forget to get forks for the table."

Joel watches Ellie hurry back to the drawer for forks and again finds himself impressed with Sarah's maturity and helpfulness in taking care of not just herself but him and Ellie. He isn't necessarily proud that Sarah pretty much runs the house. She shouldn't have to; he knows that; she should be focused on her own stuff; soccer, school, and hanging out with her friends. He should be the one setting out school clothes, making breakfast, and setting the coffee maker for his own damn coffee.

Joel knows more than anyone the weight placed on the oldest sibling, especially when there is a more substantial age gap. He had vowed to himself he wouldn't put on Sarah what had been placed on him, but here they are: Sarah is making breakfast, getting Ellie dressed, and Joel overslept.

"Pancake mix?" Sarah asks as she digs through the cabinet.

Oh crap, he had promised earlier in the week to pick up pancake mix and had completely forgotten; it hadn't even trigged when Ellie mentioned them just now. It had been a long week trying to get caught up on a project that his crew had gotten behind on with back-to-back tropical storms making their way to Austin earlier in the month. He hadn't gotten home before 7 all week and had never bothered to stop at the store, just wanting to get home to the girls before bedtime.

He could only offer a weak "Sorry" as he took another long sip of coffee. Maybe he could fix some of this if he could just get some coffee in his system.

"Next time, I'm just having it delivered, and you can pay the delivery fee." Sarah rolls her eyes as she returns to the eggs and bacon on the stove.

"You know, I don't really like pancakes," he remarks, trying to make himself look better. Judging by the looks he receives from both kids, it doesn't work.

"They were for my benefit," Sarah says, pouring him a glass of orange juice and looking at it pointedly, "vitamin C," before pouring Ellie a glass as well.

"My benefit too," Ellie adds, now sitting at the table full pouty face in effect.

"I'm sorry, I really am," he says, trying to think of some way to smooth it over. He has an idea: "We can go to Kerbey Lane Cafe this weekend for breakfast, and you can have pancakes there. They have those big gingerbread ones." Joel hopes this peace offering will get him off the hook so they can move past his latest parental failure. He receives a grudging "mhhhm" from both girls and considers it a win.

"Everyone get homework done?" That's what good parents ask, right? He glances at Sarah. "Fractions?"

Sarah giggles at what must be the absurdity of a freshman in high school only now studying fractions.

"I had a worksheet with fractions, and Sarah helped me with it, and it's in my backpack," Ellie piped up. Ugh, he should probably know what his 9 years olds homework was. He'd gotten home late last night, about 30 minutes before Ellie's bedtime. He had spent that time letting her read him jokes from her latest Will Livingston book before putting her to bed. Then he'd agreed to an episode of SVU with Sarah, her latest TV obsession before she headed to bed. Then he'd texted with Tess a little, trying to determine a time for their next "lunch," which had to be scheduled between her son's weekends with his dad and when Joel could get the girls taken care of, either at friends or with Tommy.

(He can't bring himself to ask Sarah to babysit while he has a secret hook up, that's just a bridge too far.)

He'd had some paperwork to get through for work, cursing himself for not yet hiring the office assistant he desperately needed, and he'd finally passed out just a couple of hours before his 2 a.m. Ellie's wake-up call.

Homework had never entered his head.

"Dad, how are a dollar and the moon the same? They both have 4 quarters!! That's fraction humor!"

"Very good baby," Joel calls before mouthing "Thank you" to Sarah.

Sarah shrugs as she pulls the pan off the stove and heads to the table. "I guess it's just eggs and bacon today," she says.

Ellie surveys the food being put on her plate and sits back, arms crossed. "I'm not hungry," she declares, "so I'll just skip breakfast."

Joel and Sarah both roll their eyes.

"Ellie, are you not hungry, or do you just not want to eat eggs?" Ellie seems to weigh her answer while Joel studies her carefully.

Ellie's hunger strikes are another issue no one can seem to agree on; Lauren thinks they are largely a control issue. Ellie can't control when her mom comes around or disappears for months on end, so sometimes, she refuses to eat as a means of control. It has also popped up after a couple of catastrophic mom visits or anytime Ellie gets excessively upset or stressed over something.

Dr. Anderson, her former pediatrician, told him Ellie knows she can get away with it and deploys it when she wants attention. He once suggested letting her be hungry for a while, and Joel found a new doctor for her after that visit.

She'd had some rough days earlier in the month after Anna disappeared again after having been around consistently since Ellie's birthday in June and then the nightmare last night. However, she really had seemed to want pancakes just a few minutes ago, so he was leaning towards she just didn't want eggs.

They are already late, and Ellie can't seem to decide on an answer, so Joel just tells her, "Start with your bacon, and we'll go from there, but do it fast. You have 5 minutes."

Ellie rolls her eyes and pokes her eggs with a fork like they might jump up and bite her.

Just then, he hears a car door slam and realizes his brother Tommy also needs to be fed.

"Enough for Uncle Tommy," he asks Sarah, who gives him a look before responding.

"Would have been with pancakes."

"He can have mi-"Ellie starts to say, and Joel cuts her off with a look and a head shake. She slides down in her chair with a scowl. "Fine, let your brother be hungry," she mutters.

"Happy Birthday, you old fucker” Tommy announces, entering the kitchen and ruffling Ellie's hair as he passes her. Ellie gasps with delight and sits up straighter, her uneaten breakfast forgotten.

"YOU OLD FUCKER” she repeats, throwing her head back, laughing. "Dad, you're an old-"

"Hey," Joel admonishes her sharply, "not a thing to repeat. And you," he looks at his brother wishing he could knock the shit-eating grin off his face, "Get to answer the phone next time her school calls because she called some kid a mother fucker."

Tommy laughs even louder as he pours his own coffee with the ease of someone not judged for the things that come out of a 9-year-old's mouth in public.

"I only called Jacob a motherfucker because he made fun of Harper for having glasses!" Ellie explained loudly over Tommy's laugh. "Dad-I- he started it and I just-"

"See," Tommy said seriously but with a smile still playing on his face, "Joel, she's defending the defenseless."

Ellie nods her head enthusiastically and Sarah seems to be trying to hide her laughter behind a piece of bacon.

Joel is unmoved; he's the one who gets the calls and the judgment when this happens. "She can do it without calling someone a mother fucker." He gives Ellie his "dad look" to drive his point home.

"But dad," Ellie puts her hand on his arm and looks up solemnly, "Jacob is a mother fucker."

"I'm not sure you know what a mother fucker is…" Sarah muses almost to herself.

"CAN EVERYONE STOP SAYING MOTHER FUCKER” Joel can feel a headache coming on, and it's barely 7:30.

"You said it first." he hears Ellie mutter, followed by Sarah's quiet. "Someone is in a mood on his birthday."

"Hey, I thought we were having pancakes." Tommy sounds injured as he looks around the kitchen, recovers quickly, and opens the fridge to start digging through leftovers.

"Dad forgot the pancake mix," the girls reply in unison.

For fucks sake, everyone, and the pancakes today. He considers just getting up and leaving them all to get themselves to school and work on their own. Really, though, that would only hurt him; he has no doubt that Sarah could have her and Ellie packed up and in an Uber in 5 minutes if needed, and they use Tommy's truck for work right now.

"You can have my eggs," Ellie offers up again hopefully. Joel is quick to cut her off.

"No, those are your eggs. Eat your breakfast so we can leave. Tommy, we'll pick you something up on the road."

"I'm not eating the eggs," Ellie announces, kicking the table leg for extra defiance.

Joel sighs and takes a bite, trying to decide if he wants to fight her today or just slip an extra granola bar in her bag for her morning snack and hope she has an appetite by then; "Shells got in," he says to Sarah, who cheerfully replies, "Calcium, and opens her mouth to reveal her half-eaten eggs with a grin.

"Lovely," he responds, rolling his eyes.

Jeez, even his "easy kid" is giving him sass today.

Across the table, Ellie squeals and begins shoveling eggs in her mouth to do the same thing. Joel starts to chide Sarah for being a bad influence until he realizes that Ellie is eating the damn eggs, even with the show and tell being provided first. He glances over to Sarah, who gives him a small wink, and continues the game with Ellie until about 2/3 of her plate is clear.

Correction, his 14-year-old is just a better parent than he is. That sounds about right.

“How old are you anyways,” Sarah asks, taking a break from breakfast show and tell.

“36,” he answers grimly.

“Guess you’ll be in diapers soon.”

“Who says I’m not already” he replies dryly.

He has to smile when Ellie wheezes with laughter across the table.

“Dad in a diaper!” she gasps. Now, it was his turn to give Sarah a little wink. She shakes her head and smiles.

Tommy picks that moment to announce that the concrete guys may not be able to make it until late, which means there will be extra work to do.

“We’ll work a double” is out of his mouth before he realizes what he’s said, and he has two very angry daughters on him.

“Seriously?” Sarah asks, wearing a look of disappointment that’s worse than any look he’s ever received from a parent or teacher.

“Daaaaad nooooo,” Ellie whines. It’s Friday, and it's your birthday.” She sniffs sadly and looks up with her puppy dog eyes in full effect. Generally, puppy dog eyes are his parental kryptonite, along with tears on small faces and looks of disappointment in eyes that look just like her mother's.

(He’s a pushover; he knows it.)

Today, though, he holds firm, as hard as it is. This work has to get done today; they’re already behind. He started his own business almost three years ago, and it started out slow but was finally taking off, and they are busier than ever. He has to make this work for Sarah and Ellie and their future. He has to be able to give them everything he can and make sure they have more than he and Tommy did growing up.

“No later than 9,” he promises, glancing at Tommy for agreement. He receives a shrug in response, thanks Tommy. The 2 snorts he gets in response tell him that neither girl believes him for a second, so he sweetens the deal. “I’ll bring cake.”

The girls lock eyes across the table, appearing to be considering the offer.

Ellie gives a small nod, and Sarah turns back to him.

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

She looks at him for a long moment, nods, and goes back to her eggs. Ellie slumps back against her chair.

Crisis averted, he goes to look at his watch, forgetting it had been broken for over a year, and grabs his phone instead. Crap, 7:40, Ellie’s school starts at 7:45, so there goes perfect attendance.

(Not really, it had been gone for weeks.)

“We gotta go.”

“I’m still eating my eggshells,” Sarah complains.

“You have 7 minutes.” He glances over to Ellie, who’s back to playing with her remaining breakfast, when he notices her hair is down, unbrushed, and now contains a few pieces of egg. “Ellie, grab a brush; your hair is a mess.”

“I got it,” Sarah says, standing up and grabbing the plates. “Ellie, I’ll do your pony while you brush your teeth.”

“Can I have braid?” Ellie asks, still slouched in her seat; she glances over to Sarah, “Please, RahRah?”

Joel and Tommy both try and fail to cover a laugh with a cough and earn a look from Sarah. RahRah was what Ellie called Sarah when she was first learning to talk. She now uses it only when she wants something.

“Sorry, we’re running late. I have to do a pony today, but I’ll put in a dinosaur clip,” Sarah bargains as she brushes past Joel, giving him a side eye—the same side eye she’s been giving him since the day she was born; he notes wryly.

“Shirts on inside out”

Tommy snorts as Joel looks down, curses to himself, and runs to fix his shirt.

********

Five minutes later, he’s loading supplies in Tommy's truck when the girls come barreling out of the house. Both look a little like the cat that ate the canary, especially Ellie, who has the world’s worst poker face. But before he can say anything, the Adlers next door start to chat.

They aren’t his favorite neighbors, the older Mr. and Mrs. Adler and his mother, simply known to everyone as Nana Adler. Still, they have always been a help with the girls when needed, especially Sarah. Ellie has become a little much for the conservative Adlers with her tendency to get into things when she’s over, along with her bluntness and fondness for swear words.

Ellie desperately loves their dog Mercy, though, and has been allowed to take Mercy for walks around the neighborhood when the Adlers are busy or under the weather over the last year. Ellie’s been begging for a dog for years, but Joel hasn’t felt ready to commit to one, so she makes do with playing with the neighbor's dogs.

They are embarrassingly late at this point, so he pulls an admittedly dick move and offers Sarah up as a sacrifice to the Adlers, saying that she’ll stop by that afternoon for a while to visit. She gives him a look, but he reasons he’s doing her a favor; she can delay picking Ellie up from Denise across the street while she visits the Adlers first.

Denise runs an in-home daycare that Ellie has gone to since she was a baby, and Anna disappeared the first time. Sarah also went after school until she hit middle school and started getting home later. She was deemed old enough to let herself in and be home by herself for a while. In 7th grade, they added her picking up Ellie from Denise when she got home and watching her until Joel got home.

Denise is kind enough to give him the “neighbor discount,” he has made up the difference over the years by being her personal handyman. Given how long she has watched both girls and still watches Ellie and how flexible she is willing to be when he has to work late, and Sarah has soccer practice or other after-school commitments, he considers it a fair trade. He figures he will probably spend the rest of his life as her personal handyman and still not completely repay her for everything she’s done for them over the years.

Last spring, however, Ellie started going to their other neighbors, Bill and Frank, on Wednesdays after school for an afternoon of spoiling by their honorary grandparents. Well, spoiling by Frank and tolerance by Bill which is pretty much the same as being spoiled. Frank offered it when he semi-retired and moved to a much more flexible consulting position that he mostly does from home. Ellie always comes home from her Wednesdays with Bill and Frank with homework done, reading done, and toting an art or baking project and dinner for all of them. She calls it her “enrichment” and looks forward to Wednesday afternoon all week. Sarah has her longest soccer practice of the week on Wednesdays, so Joel usually uses those afternoons to work late and catch up on paperwork before picking her up, knowing that Ellie is at the equivalent of after-school summer camp. They’ve offered a second afternoon, and Joel might agree to do so in the spring. He doesn’t want to overwhelm them, but Ellie has started complaining about being the oldest kid at Denise's, and he knows that Bill and Frank genuinely enjoy having her around, so he may as well indulge all three of them. Ellie will be in middle school with more after-school activities in a couple of years, anyway.

On days Sarah doesn’t have soccer practice or another school commitment, she gets home around 4:45, picks up Ellie at some point, and watches her until Joel gets home. He’s home by 6 on good days, but on bad days, it could go as late as 10. He tries to give Sarah flexibility so she doesn’t feel like free labor. If she has homework or wants some alone time, she can put off picking Ellie up for a bit, but she tries to get her by 6 or so. Technically, that is the latest Denise allows pick-up, but she’s always been extra flexible with him, and Ellie is practically her 3rd child. (She and her husband have threatened to start claiming her as a tax write off) Joel prefers 6 to be the latest, so Ellie doesn’t feel abandoned and gets some downtime at home before bath and bedtime.

Joel drags Ellie away from the dog and shrugs an apology to Sarah. They crawl in the truck.

He notices Tommy light a cigarette, seriously, in front of his kids, and as he sighs, “Put that out,” Ellie hollers from the backseat. “Uncle Tommy, why did the man smoke a cigarette?” she charges on without waiting for a response. “Because he’s very stupid and doesn’t care about his lungs.”

Joel and Sarah both choke on their laughter, but Joel does manage to say, “Ellie, it’s not nice to call people stupid.”

“Well, I don’t think it’s nice to ruin MY lungs,” Ellie snarks back as Tommy rolls his eyes and tosses the offending item out the truck window, muttering, “I don’t think that’s a real joke.”

******

Joel manages to rush Ellie into her school office just as the clock hits 8, a full 15 minutes late, but not their worst time ever, and is relieved to see Tracey, a former fling and now his closest parent friend, the volunteer on duty that morning. He's had a kid in the school for 10 years now, so he's had plenty of time for everyone who works or volunteers in the office to learn how little he has it together, but it helps to see a friendly face on the worst days.

It's a strange double-edged sword being so deep in an elementary school community. On the one hand, there is no shortage of people who have known his kids most of their lives and are watching out for them. Ellie can't walk down the hall without getting waves and hugs from her former teachers and Sarah's former teachers. Sarah is practically a rock star and is mobbed whenever she enters the building.

He does stick out though, as one of the very few full custody single dads and there is no lack of single moms who seem to materialize anytime he's at school for just about anything.

Sarah announced a few years ago that he was considered a total DILF, and he had begged her to never say that again, and definitely not in front of her sister.

Joel's feelings on dating are that he has 2 kids, a business, his brother, and an ex; the absolute last thing he needs or wants is to add anyone else's drama to his plate. He has an on-again/off-again friends with benefits thing with Tess, the daughter of his former boss and mentor, and whenever she's in a more committed relationship, he "supplements" with a few single moms in his orbit who he knows aren't looking for serious either.

That was the main reason the thing that had started between him and Tracey years ago when she was newly divorced, and he was a couple years past Anna's leaving, had not gone far. They had already been friendly, having met when Sarah and her son Brighton were in the same 1st-grade class and became friends. The next year, both kids played soccer through the same rec league, so they started seeing each other more. One night, while the older kids were at a soccer lock-in, they arranged a play date for Ellie and her younger daughter, Sophie. Things escalated that night after the girls fell asleep, and for a few weeks, it was a lot of fun, secret sex. It started to edge toward serious, however, and they both had a full understanding of what they wanted and what the other wanted, and it wasn't the same thing, so they ended it as friends, and it remains the only break up since Anna that hurt. He didn't want to admit how much he was starting to feel, but it felt like he'd just hurt her, and he had come to value her friendship too much to risk screwing it up because he couldn't give her what she deserved.

Tracey is now happily re-married and has a 3rd kid with her husband Ben, with whom Joel gets along well. Now Tracey is one of his few, if not only friends, his eyes and ears in the school, and his bodyguard/bouncer against the other single moms. She knows everyone, their kids, and their business. She's also famous for being the only one allowed in Joel Millers' inner circle, and it's understood that to have any chance of getting near him, you go through her. She pretends it's a huge imposition, but Joel knows she loves the power. She's already complaining about how her stock will fall once Ellie is in middle school.

"Good morning, Elli!. Joel."

"Hey Tracey, happy Friday!" She glances pointedly at the clock before reaching for the tardy slip Ellie needs to go to class.

"Miss Ellie, ya know the drill. Give this to Mrs. Keller." She glances over at Joel and mouths, "Third time." He tries not to roll his eyes before responding, "We had a morning."

"It's my dad's birthday," Ellie explains. I slept in his bed last night because I had a nightmare, and we overslept. Then Sarah wanted to make pancakes, but someone forgot to get pancake mix because he worked too much this week. We had to have eggs, which I don't even like. Then my Uncle Tommy came over, and we talked about words I can't say."

Joel would be annoyed at Ellie for sharing more family details than he's comfortable with at school, but Tracey knows all their family drama at this point, so it doesn't much matter.

(That and they've literally seen each other naked.)

"Well, that is quite a start to the day, and I'm sorry you had a bad dream. Why don't you go on to class before you miss walking to assembly with everyone else."

Ellie nods and turns to leave, and then Tracey calls her back. "Hey Ellie, are you doing Science Club again this year? Sophie is, and she hopes to see you there."

Ellie nods her head excitedly. "Yes, science club and choir!"

"Awesome, Sophie is doing choir as well, I'll let her know! Get on to class now missy!"

Ellie smiles and turns toward the door, Joel following to say goodbye.

"Oh Joel, Happy Birthday. Drinks and a playdate to catch up soon." She winks at that, and he smiles and rolls his eyes as he heads out.

"Okay baby girl, I have to get Sarah to school. I'll see you this evening. Sarah will pick you up from Denise when she gets home." He leans down to kiss her forehead and almost gets a headbutt to the chin when she suddenly jumps.

"No, not Denise; I hafta go to Bill and Frank."

"What? No, it's Friday, Ellie. You already went to Bill and Frank this week."

"NO! I hafta get something from their house; it's real important."

Joel did not have time for this today. "No, go to Denise. Anything you need from Bill and Frank you can get this weekend; we'll see them on Sunday, if not before."

(Sundays had become "family dinner" with Bill and Frank but were renamed Summer Tapas during the warmer months)

(Well Frank and the girls called it summer tapas, Bill and Joel roll their eyes and sip a Spanish beer at dinner time.)

"Daddy," Ellie whines, her eyes filling with tears, "it's so important; you don't understand."

"I don't have time to understand right now; go to class." He is a little sharper than he means to be, and Ellie bites back a sob and turns to stomp off. Great. He hates sending her off for the day on a bad note, especially after a bad night.

"Hey. Ellie," he calls after her. "I'll ask Sarah to take you after she picks you up, okay? Get what you need, but go after Sarah is home."

Ellie turns and gives a small nod before trudging off.

Shit. He doesn't have time to say anything else; Sarah still has to get to school.

His phone buzzes, and he sees a text from Tracey.

 T: Alert! Ms. Hunter is newly divorced and jonesing after her favorite bulletin board hanging single dad.

 T: She's trying to get a spot assisting with Science Club.

Oh, for fucks sake, Joel feels his headache getting stronger and pinches the bridge of his nose. Ellie's 2nd-grade teacher had a not-so-subtle crush on him the whole year Ellie was in her class. She's young; it had only been her second year of teaching when Ellie had her and had apparently gotten married in college. Arriving for a meeting regarding Ellie's colorful language early in the school year, he had walked into her struggling with a tilting bulletin board. He helped get it straight and she'd looked at him with heart eyes the whole rest of the year. He had spent the next year dodging her when he was at school, and he'd thought she'd finally given up.

 T: Trying to interest her in a 1st grade dad who is more age-appropriate. But she seems set on seeing what else you can hang. 😉

Joel glances back and catches Tracey's eye in the office window long enough to roll his eyes and shake his head at her innuendo. She responds with a smirk and a wave.

Joel lets out a massive sigh, shoves his phone into his pocket, and makes his way back to the truck.

"Sarah, my baby girl, my first love."

"Oh god, what do you want me to do?" Sarah eyes him warily as she sits back from showing Tommy something on her phone.

"Will you take your sister over to Bill and Franks when you pick her up. She's all upset, says she needs to get something from them."

"Ohhh, yeah, she made you a birthday present with Frank. It was drying, and he promised to wrap it for her. That's easy enough, we can go this evening. Frank will probably feed us or send us home with food. We both know you won't be home before 9, so I have one less DoorDash order this week."

Thanks, Sarah, way to rub that in, and now he feels even worse. Ellie just wanted to do something nice for him, and he shut her down.

Five minutes later, Sarah is deposited at the high school. "I'll see you this evening with cake," Joel promises, gently tugging one of her curls as goodbye.

"Sound good." Sarah looks at him warily but straightens her shoulders and smiles "Happy Birthday, Dad."

Joel sinks back, not missing the implication that she trusts him to do none of that.

"Good birthday so far?" Tommy asks innocently as they attempt to merge onto the packed highway.

"Fuck off," Joel mutters, ready for the day to be done already.

*******

It is much later than he planned when he finally walks into the house that night and finds both girls sprawled on the couch, an old episode of Full House playing in the background. Ellie must have won the TV war that night.

Sarah’s scrolling on her phone, and Ellie is half-watching her show, half-reading a comic book, and possibly starting to nod off. Both perk up as soon as they see him, and he feels guilty for how late it’s gotten and that they waited up for him.

He sits down between them on the couch to take off his shoes. Sarah turns the TV off, and Ellie sets down her comic book and pushes into the far corner of the couch.

“We go the wrong size wood and… he looks and sees their faces, not mad at another broken promise, not even disappointed, but like it was something they expected. A sense of failure settles over him, and he gives up, leaning back on the couch. “Ya’ll don’t care. I’m sorry I’m so late.”

“Cake?” Sarah asks expectantly, and he hears Ellie gasp and whisper, “Yes!”

“Shit,” he mutters, scrubbing a hand over his face, one more broken promise for the day.

“Aw, come on, man,” Sarah whines, which is very unlike her, so she must have really wanted cake.

“Yeah, come on, man, you said,” Ellie echoes, never wanting to be left out of a whine session.

“I’ll get one tomorrow,” He promises, trying to think of the closest place he can get to in the morning for a cake. How early does the H-E-B bakery open again?

“Swear it?” Sarah asks, and he feels Ellie crawl up against his back and rest her chin on his shoulder.

“Swear it?” Ellie echoes into his left ear.

“You can’t have your presents until you swear,” Sarah continues.

“Yeah, Dad.” Suddenly giddy with excitement at the power of being able to withhold gifts, Ellie yells, “NO PRESENTS!”

“You got me a present?” Joel asks, sitting up and giving them a playful smile, trying to get smiles back on their little faces. Sarah gives him a small smile back, “Only if you swear.”

Joel solemnly puts up a hand; “I swear.”

Sarah exhales a small laugh. “Okay, you can have your present.” She reaches behind the couch cushion for a small box.

“Noooo,” Ellie pipes up, “I wanna go first!”

“Sorry, oldest first,” Sarah proclaims, and Joel tenses, waiting for a fight, but Ellie just sighs and nods in a way that says, “Tough but fair.”

She lays her head back down on his shoulder, and Joel tries to twist around to kiss her sweet, chubby cheek, but she’s at an odd angle, so he just squeezes the little hand resting on his chest before taking the box from Sarah.

He isn't sure what to expect, but it is not his watch, the one Sarah’s mom had given him for his birthday many years ago and had stopped working almost a year ago.

He looks at Sarah in confusion, and she gives him a small smile and a shrug. “I fixed it for you. You would never do it for yourself.”

The gesture overwhelms him for a minute, and he has a hard time formulating a response.

Sarah reminds him of her mom so much that his heart clenches momentarily. Not just in looks but she’s thoughtful and a caretaker, just like Michelle had been. He hadn’t deserved Michelle in high school when they met, after high school, when they got engaged, or the day Sarah was born to 2 more or less children. He remembers feeling like the universe must have finally realized he didn’t deserve her that awful night. Michelle was heading home from her shift at the hospital, where she was a pediatric nurse. She had only been back from maternity leave a couple months.

Now, he thinks almost daily that he doesn’t deserve their beautiful, amazing daughter either. He dumps so much on her, and she takes on so much extra work caring not just for Ellie when he’s not home but also for him when he is home. She does it without complaint, with a wry smile, some sass, and patience far beyond her 14 years. Thank you doesn’t seem like enough, but it’s all he has at that moment, and she responds with a slight nod and an understanding smile.

Ellie, not one to be left out, pipes up from where she’s still wrapped around his back: “I knew about it, and I didn’t say anything! I wanted to go with Sarah to get it fixed, but she took a bus and said you would freak out if you found out she took me on a bus downtown, and you’d question the Uber charge.” Ellie pauses to shoot a very put-out glare at her sister, “so I had to stay with Denise.”

Sarah rolls her eyes. " Thanks for ratting me out, Ellie. But seriously,” she adds quickly, looking at Joel, “I didn’t take her on the bus.”

Joel sighs. He isn’t wild about either of them on a city bus. Austin isn’t known for having a particularly helpful or, he thinks, safe public transportation system, but she made it back alright and wisely left Ellie at home, so he’ll let this one go.

“Where’d you get the money for this?”

“Drugs,” Sarah responds dryly, sitting back with a smile. “I sell hardcore drugs.”

“Better than what I do,” Joel responds ruefully, slipping the watch on his wrist, feeling comfort from having it there again after a year of being with it. His job pays what he needs to give his kids a life better than he had growing up. He’s now moderately proud of the business he’s built in the last few years, but after days like today, he’s ready to sell some hardcore drugs himself.

“Dad,” Ellie says soothingly as she squeezes his shoulder, “don’t say that everyone loves contractors.”

Joel lets out a small laugh. He had said that sarcastically once in front of Ellie, but she had missed the sarcasm and taken it as fact. Ellie loves to tell people her dad is a contractor and even begged him to come up to career day at school once to talk about it. She’d introduced him, adding proudly that everyone loves contractors, and he hadn’t missed the teacher and several other parents’ smirk at that.

Ellie moves from her spot hanging from him and reaches behind the couch to pull out a gift bag with silvery tissue paper and a bow.

"My turn now," she beams as she thrusts the bag at Joel, practically vibrating in excitement.

Joel gingerly takes the bag and smiles at Ellie. "Frank help you with the wrapping?"

Ellie nods excitedly while Joel and Sarah hold back smiles. Frank has expressed his distress at their lack of suitable gift-wrapping materials for years. He offers to "help" Joel wrap the girls' Christmas gifts every year, and Joel mostly lets him, just so it's one less thing on his list. The girls make a big production of pretending not to know who wrapped each gift as they open them on Christmas morning. Little punks.

"Okay, let's see what's in here."

Joel reaches his hand in the bag, digs through the tissue, and pulls out a 4X6 picture frame, obviously hand-painted by Ellie, with little guitars glued along the side. The photo in the frame is one from just a month earlier, the last night of summer vacation, when Frank had invited them over for pizza and ice cream sundaes to celebrate the end of summer. Joel's playing his guitar, and the girls are on either side of him, both beaming at the camera. Ellie even has a little ice cream on her chin, really upping the cute factor.

It had been a total crap day prior, with Joel having to run to the job site for a while after planning to be off and Sarah having to cancel some plans to watch Ellie while he worked. Sarah had already been on edge for days, nervous about starting high school, so the plan cancelling had gone over worse than usual. Ellie was upset about her mom standing her up the weekend before, after a summer of consistently being around and keeping up with her visits, which they had just upped to overnights. Joel had expected it when his lawyer called him to report she had missed her pre-visit drug test, and Tommy had shown him a recent Facebook post of hers with a new boyfriend, but it had been a blow just the same. A few days later, he received the "Take care of our baby" text he got every time she was bowing out of parenting for a while.

Both girls had a meltdown that day and cried at least once. Joel felt like the absolute worst parent ever, especially after he had his own meltdown and yelled at them both when he came home to find the house a mess. Sarah was locked in her room, and Ellie was up in her tree house, refusing to come down even though it was well over 100 degrees out.

He had just yelled at Ellie to get herself out of that tree house, or he'd cut it down when he received a text from Frank inviting them over for dinner. His first instinct was to say no. He had no doubt his tirade at Ellie had been heard by several neighbors, and he was embarrassed to have been caught in such a bad moment. But he was also tired, and sitting on Bill and Frank's covered patio with a beer and letting someone else make dinner was tempting, as was getting the girls out of the house. So, he'd drug two whining, tear-stained children next door, muttering threats if behavior didn't improve, bracing for the worst, and then they ended up having the nicest evening.

Being invited for pizza with Bill and Frank meant homemade pizzas in their outdoor pizza oven and freshly made ice cream from their ice cream maker, so the food was amazing. He'd been instructed to grab his guitar, and Frank had pulled out Bill's keyboard that could be set up on the porch and made him and Joel play together. This happened often despite pushback from Bill and Joel; Frank and the girls called their act Two Grumpy Dudes and threatened to buy them matching shirts.

As he'd carried a sleepy Ellie back home that night with Sarah leaning against him still humming, he'd stopped to try and tell Frank thanks, but the words had gotten a little caught, and Frank had just smiled; "thank you for coming over tonight, it was a little too quiet with just the 2 of us. You did us a huge favor!"

His chest tightened a little at the memory, and he smiled down at Ellie, who was looking up at him expectedly, kissing her forehead.

"It's beautiful, baby. Thank you. I'm going to put it by my bed so I can see it every day."

"No, you have to hang it by the guitars." She nods toward the far wall in the living room where his guitar hangs, and a small one sits on the floor below it. He'd bought Ellie one for her last birthday to start teaching her, but in three months, they hadn't gotten very far. He had promised to hang it next to his, and he also hadn't gotten to that yet. He's not sure the photo will fit well there, but she seems insistent, so he nods and rests his cheek on the top of her head.

"You're right, that's where it belongs. I'll get my tools out tomorrow, and we'll hang the photo and your guitar."

Ellie nods happily and snuggles her face into his shoulder, trying to hide a yawn.

"I feel so spoiled," he says, turning to face Sarah and pulling Ellie around into his lap. He relishes how she still fits so well against his chest and under his chin. He opens his other arm so Sarah can curl up with him as well, but her eyes light up before she can.

"Oh, there's more." Sarah goes back behind the couch cushion, pulls out a DVD, and proudly hands it over.

"Curtis and the Viper," Joel exclaims, seeing one of his favorite old action movies, of course, Sarah would remember.

"I borrowed it from the Adlers this afternoon," Sarah explains, settling back on the couch. "Can we put it on now, while it's still your birthday?" She makes a small head gesture towards Ellie, asking if it is kid-friendly enough. Joel waves his hand as he gets up to put in the disc. He can tell Ellie won't make it past the first 15 minutes. After not sleeping well last night and a long day at school, she was already starting to show signs of nodding off when not actively speaking. Also, keeping Ellie's entertainment "kid-friendly" had gone out the window years ago.

With Sarah, he had kept her away from screens as long as possible and obsessively checked parent guides before she watched anything. Ellie had practically been tossed in front of a screen as soon as she could focus her eyes. By the time she was 1, and Joel was once again a single parent, this time to 2 kids, the TV became a primary babysitter so things like dinner could be made and he could shower. Between big sister and Uncle Tommy, he had lost control of what she saw soon after.

At this point, Ellie can recite numerous full scenes from New Girl and Friends thanks to big sister (she has Chandler and Nick Miller down, and her Schmidt is really coming along). Thanks to Uncle Tommy, she can and will go toe-to-toe with anyone trying to claim Die Hard is NOT a Christmas movie. When asked to research a monument or park for school, she tried to talk her teacher into letting her pick Nakatomi Plaza. "It's a real place in California," she'd argued vehemently before her teacher had found Dinosaur Valley State Park and the Fox Building in Century City, California, was forgotten.

He's read that this is common with the second-born, especially when there is a large age difference between siblings. He's pretty sure he had let Tommy watch plenty of slightly inappropriate shows when they were growing up, and Joel was left in charge. He never tries to dwell on this, but it doesn't give him too much hope for Ellie's future, given how often he's had to bail his brother out of situations.

"Dad?" Sarah's voice brings him back to the present and the 2 girls settling themselves on the couch with blankets and throw pillows.

"Ellie, go put on some PJs and brush your teeth," he tells her as the disc starts to come to life; if she's going to pass out on the couch, she may as well be in pajamas to make the transfer to bed easier.

There's some whining and stomping and a threat to make her go to bed now, but she runs upstairs to get changed, and Joel goes back to the couch and takes a second to put his arm around Sarah and pull her in for a hug.

"Thank you for everything, kiddo. Really, the watch and the movie and just hanging with your sister all evening. I know there are other things you could be doing." Sarah shrugs and snuggles closer into him, a rare moment when little sister isn't already attached to his side.

"You're welcome. I mean, it's your birthday, so presents are normal, and I don't mind watching Ellie. But you can make it up to me in a couple of weeks when we go to ACL if you really feel the need. There are a couple of band T-shirts I want." Joel exhales a laugh and kisses the top of her head.

"Deal, I'll make extra room in the backpack." He and Sarah are both looking forward to their music festival weekend coming up. Ellie would have an Uncle Tommy weekend, which means Pinballz Arcade, ice cream for dinner, and more inappropriate action movies well past her bedtime. She'll be returned late Sunday filthy and nearly catatonic from too much sugar and too little sleep but happy after a weekend of spoiling. Joel will get some solo Sarah time, which has been harder to get in the last couple of years.

Ellie is practically attached to him still; the running family joke is that she's his little shadow and best friend. Quick weekend run to the job site, grocery shopping at H-E-B, or even a quick Lowe's stop? Ellie will happily tag along, wanting to soak up all the dad time she can, but Sarah has soccer and schoolwork and friends and general teenage feelings about being seen in public with parents, so his time with her is less and less, and he misses her.

Ellie bounds down the stairs in her PJs, clutching Ginny the giraffe and her rocket blanket. Joel is clearly not the only one planning on her falling asleep on the couch tonight.

"Could I BE anymore ready to watch a movie?" she asks, sliding across the floor in her socks. Given that it's September in Texas and still in the 90s, he assumes she put socks on with the sole purpose of sliding across the wood floor.

Joel snorts and looks down at Sarah, giggling with her hand over her mouth. "That one is on you," he tells her.

Sarah shrugs nonchalantly and gets the remote ready to push play. "I have to amuse myself somehow."

Ellie's pushing him over so that she can squeeze in on his other side, and they readjust. Sarah wraps her arms around his bicep and snuggles into his right side. Ellie gets as close as she can, turning her face into his chest like she is trying to burrow into him, something she's done since she was a baby.

His chest warms at the realization that after the stressful morning, late night, and general parental transgressions he had committed that day, his girls still want to cuddle with him at the end of the day. For the first time in several days, he feels himself relax. The girls feel like a balm curled up against him, and his eyes sting slightly. He shakes his head; God, he really is getting old.

"Don't fall asleep," he teases Sarah as the movie begins. He glances to his other side, and Ellie is already starting to breathe a little deeper, her eyelids fluttering.

As expected, Ellie makes it maybe 8 minutes into the movie; Sarah, bless her, makes it 45 minutes before she falls asleep with his thigh as a pillow.

He's about to doze off, so relaxed and content, when his phone starts to buzz.

Crap, at this hour, it's either Tommy or Anna or Marlene, Anna's best friend and lawyer, calling about Anna; either way, it's not going to be good. Joel closes his eyes before answering; he was finally having a good night.

"Hello"

"Hey, Joel," Tommy's voice comes through the line, sounding apologetic. "I'm okay."

Oh good. Joel waits him out, much like he does when one of the girls is clearly building to tell him something they know he won't like.

"But I'm in jail."

"Jesus, Tommy, again?"

"It wasn't my fault, some guy…"

Joel pretty much tunes out the rest; it's the same story it always is: someone started something, and Tommy decided to insert himself and try to finish it. Tommy had joked that morning about Ellie defending the defenseless, a trait she seems to have come by honestly.

Joel considers for a moment letting him rot in jail for the weekend, but he knows he can't do that to his baby brother, no matter how irritated he is. Joel confirms that Tommy's in the downtown city jail and promises to be there as soon as possible before hanging up. Joel looks down at two sleeping kids and does some fast "dad" math.

Sarah is fine. He can take her upstairs and put her in her bed, and most likely, she'll wake up tomorrow none the wiser. The issue is the small 9-year-old curled around him with her head on his chest and a thumb hanging limply from her mouth. If placed in her own bed, there's only about a 30% chance that she doesn't wake up while he's gone and lose her shit when she goes into his room and finds him not there. That happened once when he was just outside talking to Tommy. She'd awakened Sarah and possibly the neighbors with her screams at finding his bed empty. If he's actually not in the house, Sarah will be the one to have to try and calm her down, and it won't be easy. Sarah may be beloved by her little sister and the one to make breakfast, do hair, and help with homework, but in the middle of the night, she only wants daddy.

He could put her directly in his bed but that really only increases the stay asleep success rate to maybe 40%. Her issue is feeling alone; it doesn't matter where she wakes up; if she feels alone, it's over.

The best bet is to put both girls in his bed and cross his fingers.

Now, he just has to make the transfer to bed, which is another math equation, given that they are both passed out on top of him. In the end, it's easiest to gently shift Ellie from his chest to a pillow on the other side of the couch. She makes a slight noise, but a gentle back rub settles her quickly. From there, he picks up Sarah, carries her upstairs, and deposits her in his bed. She's gotten taller, so this has become increasingly difficult; he knows he won't be able to carry her much longer, so he soaks it up while he can, taking a moment to inhale the smell of her shampoo and the body spray and other lotions and face serums she has started experimenting with. She stirs when he sets her down, and her eyes flutter open, momentarily confused at the new location. Joel leans down to kiss her cheek and quietly whispers that he has to go help Uncle Tommy, and please sleep in his bed with Ellie. She nods drowsily and closes her eyes again to go back to sleep.

Next, he gets Ellie, who he can still pick up easily, even with the added blanket and stuffed animal. She buries her face in his neck as he settles her against his chest like she has since she was a tiny premature infant. He feels her breath hot on his neck and breathes in the end-of-day kid smell. Sweat and the outdoors, a hint of her strawberry detangling spray Sarah would have used that morning, and sweet bubblegum toothpaste. He selfishly hopes she puts off getting too much bigger for a little longer. He knows she hates being the smallest in her class, but the thought of both his girls being too big to pick up breaks his heart.

She goes down easy, and he tries to give Sarah as much space as possible when he lays her down. Ellie can be both a clinger and a kicker when she's sleeping. She already has her giraffe and blanket, so she is as set up for sleep success as he can get her. He pauses a minute to look over the girls sleeping peacefully and seriously considers letting Tommy sit in jail. He just wants to crawl into bed next to his babies, sleep off the rest of this long day, and start again tomorrow.

Sarah opens one eye, sees him standing morosely by the bed, and whispers, "Stop being weird; go get Uncle Tommy; you'll feel bad if you don't. We'll be fine." Voice of reason per usual, or as she likes to say, holder of the one family brain cell.

"Sorry, you're right. Call me if there are any issues," and Joel dashes out the door to deal with his true oldest child.

******

Several hours later, he finally makes it home; he doesn't remember ever taking this long to bail Tommy out. He even mentioned it to the guy he was dealing with at the jail, who had sighed deeply before replying, "UT has a 10am kick-off home game tomorrow. Everyone came into town early and hit the bars. It will be worse tomorrow; game over by 2, and everyone will start bar hopping." Joel winced at the thought and made a mental note to stay away from downtown this weekend. Maybe just stay home altogether.

He pauses briefly on his way to his bathroom to change. Both girls seem to be sleeping soundly, even Ellie, who has migrated to the middle and is taking up over half of the bed. Poor Sarah.

He comes back, trying to figure out how to get in bed himself. His phone vibrates; he sees a message from Anna.

 Happy Birthday, J. Give Ellie a hug and kiss for me.

You could come do that yourself, he thinks darkly, but shakes it off, puts the phone on the charger, and leans over to gently pull Ellie over to his side of the bed to give Sarah more room.

He manages to ease in next to Ellie, lying on his side facing her, and she turns into him as soon as she realizes he's there. Her eyes flutter open for a second, and she lets out a low whine, but a couple of gentle back rubs, a kiss to her temple, and a whispered "s'okay, baby" settle her back down.

Sarah starts to move as if she is getting up and going to her room, so he reaches out to her with his other hand. "You can stay," he whispers, "Family slumber party? I'll keep Ellie on my side so you have room."

Sarah smiles and nods, curling back up and moving closer to him and Ellie. He reaches his free hand up to stroke her hair, playing with her soft curls. She yawns, and he thinks she's asleep when she whispers, "Sorry your birthday was kind of a bust."

Joel exhales a quiet laugh. "Not your fault baby girl, and really it wasn't bad. I got some great presents from my 2 favorite people."

He pauses and has an idea.

"How about we get that cake tomorrow, along with some burgers or BBQ, and go to the lake for a while?"

Sarah's eyes open wide. "Really? Lake Travis?"

"Sure, we can go out that way; we had all that rain earlier this month; the lakes are in pretty good shape."

"What about…" Sarah motions her head toward Ellie, not the strongest swimmer in the family and a hater of not being able to see her feet in the water.

"She'll be fine. She's gotten better after swim lessons this summer, and she'll have her life vest. We'll make Uncle Tommy come along as community service for getting thrown in jail tonight. He can drag her around on her little raft."

Sarah giggles at the thought and nods, "That sounds good."

Joel smiles, happy to have seemingly made amends for the mess of the day, and, for the first time all day, thinks maybe it had been a happy birthday.