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Jamie opens the door to his and Eddie’s apartment. The home they have built together.
Aside from when he learned that he still has mobility in his legs, each time he walks over the threshold feels like he is taking his first breath of air after emerging from underwater.
“You look relieved every time,” Eddie remarks. Then, with a trademark smirk, she adds, “Were you worried I’d redecorate without your input?”
Jamie turns to study his wife. He has some understanding of how the shooting and his hospital stay affected her. Jamie could hear her shouting for him to fight and make his way back to her. How he couldn’t leave her on her own. It was all that Jamie could do to stay conscious. What he had really wanted to do was hold her hand and reassure her that he’s fine.
He settles for doing that now. She returns the pressure as he entwines their fingers.
Candidly, Jamie says, “I hated it there. I hated being away from our home.”
“That’s all over now,” Eddie says, possibly as a reminder to them both. “We’ll move past it.”
Jamie isn’t so sure.
He remembers the look on his father’s face when he greeted Jamie outside the hospital with the hospital staff and police behind him. How he felt his father’s gaze on him as they said Grace at the next Sunday dinner. It was as though he was worried Jamie would disappear from his chair, like too many others before him did too soon.
Jamie can see it in the looks that his older siblings give him when they think he’s not aware. He doesn’t catch them every time. Jamie does, more often than not, see Erin. She tries to mask her concern with a smile that doesn’t meet her eyes.
Danny is different. Jamie sees the heavy grief that he refused to acknowledge when he was a rookie on a beat and Danny was the Detective First Grade that was prone to busting his chops. The weight of their father’s words weigh heavily on Jamie even all these years later.
“Every tour you work, do this job like there’s trouble around every corner, because one day there will be. Danny couldn’t handle losing another brother.”
Jamie knows he did his job. He also knows he can always do it better. He could have waited for backup. It was fortunate that Danny and their nephew, Joe, joined him when they did.
Jamie trusted his instincts instead. He does not regret it, but he does regret causing his loved ones any amount of pain or revisited trauma.
“Why don’t you get some rest while I straighten things up?” Eddie suggests.
“I can he —“ Jamie begins.
“I know you can,” Eddie interjects with a smile. “There isn’t that much to do. Your sister is a multi-talented woman who took it upon herself to do the leg work for us.”
That’s Erin, Jamie thinks. The house could be burning down, but she’ll make sure everything is in its place.
The phone rings and breaks Jamie from his thoughts. They look at the answering machine.
“We should probably return some calls. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s full,” Eddie says. “Erin said it never stopped ringing once the news broke. I guess people still get Yellow Pages.”
Dryly, Jamie says, “Go figure.” He walks to the phone and lifts it up from the receiver. “Hello?”
“Jamie? Oh, my God. Hi.”
Jamie blinks once. Then a second and third time. He looks at Eddie in surprise and she gives him a questioning look.
“Sydney?” Eddie’s eyebrows shoot up in disbelief. “Are … hi. It’s been a while.”
“Yeah,” Sydney breathes on the other end of the line. “I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner. I just got home from a work trip and heard from my parents about the shooting. How are you?”
Still staring at Eddie, Jamie replies, “Yeah, I’m okay. Nothing a surgical team couldn’t fix.”
Eddie gives him a look and he grows apologetic. He tries to convey with his expression: I’m sorry. I don’t know how to react to this right now.
“I’m in the area next week visiting my parents,” Sydney says. Oh, boy, he thinks. “If this is too weird just tell me, but I was wondering if you’d want to grab a coffee.”
“Uh,” Jamie fumbles. “I don’t know, Syd. I’m still settling in at home, and my wife took some days off so we can both regroup.”
There’s a beat of silence. Jamie wishes he knew what Eddie is thinking, but her face is unreadable. Finally, Sydney breaks the silence.
“You’re married.” Her voice is soft and matter-of-fact.
“We celebrated our fourth anniversary earlier this year,” Jamie says. A smile creeps onto his face and he’s relieved when Eddie matches it. “What about you?”
“I met someone after my time in London was extended,” Sydney says. Jamie stays silent. “We got married in 2015. When the pandemic hit, he …”
Jamie feels his stomach drop out from beneath him.
“I’m really sorry,” he says, solemnly.
He hears Sydney sniff before mumbling a thanks.
“I’m really happy for you, Jamie,” Sydney says. “I’m glad we both found happiness. That’s all I ever wanted. If the situation is ever right, I’d love to meet your wife. You have my number.”
“Yeah,” Jamie confirms. “Thanks for your call. It means a lot. Take care of yourself, Syd.”
The call ends moments later and he puts the phone in its cradle.
“That sounded intense,” Eddie says.
“It sort of was,” Jamie admits. “I’m sorry if that was weird. I honestly wasn’t sure how to react, or …” Jamie shakes his head.
“She was a major part of your life. That doesn’t scare me,” Eddie says.
Jamie moves forward and wraps his arms around Eddie. She leans into his embrace.
“I love that about you,” he whispers into her hair.
“How did you end things just now?”
“She said she was happy for me and was glad we both found happiness,” he replies.
Eddie looks up at him.
“You apologized to her, though …” Eddie’s lips turn downward. “He died?”
Jamie nods, before offering, “COVID.”
“Fuck.”
“She said if the situation is ever appropriate, she would like to meet you. I’m not sure what that situation would even look like.”
They lapse into a brief silence, where they listen to the other’s heartbeat.
“It’s like I said before,” Eddie says. “I’m not scared of your past, like I know you aren’t about mine. You and Sydney never got actual closure.”
No, Jamie thinks. The way that things ended and where his head was at the time made that virtually impossible.
Cautiously, Jamie says, “It didn’t seem like you always felt this way.” Eddie waits for him to elaborate. “Mike Kostel?”
Jamie’s first jumper-turned-homicide case. Jamie never told Danny, but his older brother was right. He never forgot Mike’s name or his face. Not even after eight years.
“That was the day you found out about my prior engagement.”
“I remember,” Eddie says. “I could have handled it better.”
“Any regrets?” Eddie asks.
Jamie feels a mounting discomfort from the current direction of their conversation.
Relying on gallows humor, Jamie replies, “It didn’t make me want to jump off a bridge.”
“You haven’t had anything serious since.”
“I’ve dated.”
“Right, dated. But no girlfriends.”
Jamie really doesn’t like their conversation, but he’s nothing if not curious. Perhaps to a fault.
“So …?”
“So you broke up like, six years ago,” Eddie says, like he needs reminding. “Are you still hung up on her?”
Jamie doesn’t even know how to respond. He settles for: “No.”
“Well, then, why haven’t you had a girlfriend?”
“What’s with all the questions?”
“I just think it’s weird that you never mentioned her.”
“You didn’t ask me anything that the people closest to me weren’t already thinking,” Jamie says. “I did hold back after Sydney. Maybe part of it for a while was thinking that I blew it and that was it. The bigger part was knowing there was something here,” he gestures between them, “that I couldn’t name, because it’d change everything. With no guarantee that it’d be for the better.”
“I’ve never been more relieved that your instincts were wrong.”
“Tell me about it.” Jamie exhales. “That said, I don’t expect you to sit down for coffee with my ex-fiancée. Things would be different if there were four of us.”
“But there aren’t,” Eddie says, simply. “And that isn’t her fault. I know you don’t expect it, either. I’m offering, because I think after years of not putting yourself out there until we got together, it could be good for you. To …”
Eddie seems to weigh her next words.
“To, what?” Jamie prompts her.
Eddie tilts her head and gives him a calculating look.
“To let go of some of that anger,” Eddie says. “From feeling like you weren’t enough.”
“I was engaged back in law school and then we broke up right after I graduated from Academy.”
“Why?”
“Uh — low pay? Lack of upward mobility. The fact that she preferred saying, ‘My fiancé the lawyer’ over ‘My fiancé the beat cop.’ Take your pick.”
Jamie is the first to admit that Eddie often knows what he needs better than him. He ruminates on her suggestion for a little while longer.
“Let’s sleep on it,” he suggests. “We don’t need to make any decisions right now.”
***
“ … Through Christ our Lord. Amen,” Jamie recites.
“Amen,” the Reagans chorus.
“You jumped on saying Grace this week,” Erin observes. She glances down the table to her right. “Rough week?”
Jamie and Eddie exchange a look.
Danny raises his eyebrows and asks, “What does that look mean?”
“Is everything okay?” Sean chimes in next.
“We’re good,” Eddie reassures the table.
“Jameson?” Henry prompts.
Jamie nods. He can feel his father’s gaze from the other end of the table. He turns to look at Frank with a deliberately guarded expression.
“Eddie and I received a lot of calls after the shooting,” Jamie explains. A hush falls over the table. “One of them was from Sydney.”
“Your former fiancée, Sydney?” Sean asks.
Danny thumps the back of his son’s head.
“Yeah. That Sydney,” Jamie says, casting a wry glance at his nephew.
“How did that go?” Erin asks the couple.
Jamie and Eddie look at each other again.
“Eddie, this is Sydney Davenport,” Jamie says. Introductions are always the worst, but this one is in a league of its own. “Sydney, this is my wife, Eddie Janko-Reagan.”
“Hi, Eddie,” Sydney says as the two women shake hands.
“It’s good to meet you,” Eddie replies, with a slight smile.
The three of them sit down at the table Jamie and Eddie previously claimed for them.
“You said you’re back visiting your folks,” Jamie says. “How are they? Still in Greenwich?”
“They’re good, thanks. And yes,” Sydney says, with a laugh. “There’s no talking them into going somewhere with less harsh winters. It’s New England or nothing for Dad.”
“Sounds right,” Jamie says, with a slight chuckle.
The conversation becomes slightly easier from there. They talk about work — Sydney made partner at her firm and settled down, but she has traveled more since life opened up after the pandemic — and Sydney tells them about her late husband, David Meyers. He worked at the same firm as Sydney. They were often co-counselors on the more high-profile cases.
“But I take it you two know all about office romances,” Sydney says, with a twinkle in her eye.
Eddie’s lip twitches as she glances at Jamie.
“A little,” she concedes. “It sounds like you and David got your acts together quicker than us.”
“If Nicky’s any authority,” Jamie protests, “people write entire subgenres for slow burns.”
The two women exchange a look and burst out laughing.
“Was he always this defensive?” Eddie asks.
“Oh, absolutely,” Sydney laughs. She shakes her head. “The silverware would rattle at Sunday dinners.” Her entire demeanor suddenly shifts. “How is Danny? And the boys?”
“Danny’s good. The two of us are in a better place now than we were in those days.” Jamie finds himself smiling with a sense of pride about how far they’ve come as brothers. “Sean’s in college, and Jack graduated not too long ago.”
“Wow,” Sydney murmurs. Jamie nods, hardly believing it himself. “I’m glad they’re good. Things must’ve been so hard after Linda’s death.”
“It was for a long time,” Jamie admits. Sydney sighs.
“Linda was always so kind to me,” she says, looking between the couple. “She used to give me advice on how to handle the cop stuff when it was brand new. She was a pro. Please give my love to Danny and the family.”
“I will,” Jamie promises.
They all lapse into a silence, punctuated only by Eddie finishing her drink.
“I’m going to grab a refill,” Eddie announces. “Anyone else?”
The other two shake their heads as she makes her exit. Sydney glances sideways at Jamie.
“She’s nice,” Sydney offers. “Not the most subtle, but she’s sweet.”
Jamie doesn’t respond immediately to that remark, because no. Eddie isn’t subtle. Yet she does know what to do in moments like these and doesn’t hesitate to do it.
“No kids? Me too,” Sydney says, trying to fill the silence. “We wanted to focus on our careers. Though, I’m still surprised about you. It was always something you talked about —”
Sharply, Jamie says, “Sydney.”
She promptly stops speaking.
“Sorry,” she says after a moment. “That isn’t any of my business.”
“No,” Jamie agrees. “It isn’t.”
“Mom says you’re a sergeant,” Sydney pivots. “That’s what the papers said.”
“She and the papers are right.” Jamie has a bad taste in his mouth. “No longer the beat cop that pulled the ‘bait and switch’ on her daughter.”
“You know I never saw it that way.” She falters when Jamie is quiet. “Jamie …”
“Every thought crossed my mind at one point or another, Sydney,” Jamie replies. “Including wondering why I never heard from you after you went to London. Even to say there was no future left for us.”
Sydney rests her elbows on the table and entwines her fingers behind her head.
“I thought about calling only about fifty thousand times,” Sydney says. “Every time with a worse explanation than the last for why it took so long. You were the most important person in my life. Leaving that night didn’t make that meaningless to me.” She exhales. “But I left. That’s on me.”
“You were always allowed to leave.” Sydney looks up at him. “This life isn’t for everyone. I knew that from the start. I saw how it tore up my mom and grandma as a kid, even when they tried to hide it. I’ve seen the worry in Linda and the boys’ eyes every time Danny runs head-first out the door. I watched helplessly as Angela’s life came crashing down when Joe didn’t come home.”
“I also felt your discomfort every time you explained to another one of our law school friends why I was no longer with a firm.” Sydney averts her eyes. “The way you’d explain it was the family business, which it is but that’s not all it is. Some of my best and worst moments have happened on the job. I’ve lost a partner, I’ve fallen in love, I’ve had to lead others into really dangerous situations. I’d be lying if I said that I loved every single moment, but there’s never been any doubt that I made the right decision fifteen years ago.”
Jamie releases a breath and leans back in his seat.
“You really needed to say that,” Sydney says.
It’s not a question, but Jamie nods.
“Yeah,” he says. “There’s also one other thing that’s long overdue.” She waits with an expectant expression. “I wasn’t fair to you on that last night when I argued that I hadn’t grown distant.”
Hesitantly, Sydney says, “You weren’t?”
Jamie shakes his head.
“Without getting into the specifics, I was discovering that there was more to Joe’s death than I knew coming onto the job. A lot more.” Jamie gives her a meaningful look, and Sydney grows pale. “It isn’t an excuse, but it did consume most of my thoughts. I’m sorry about that.”
“Did the family know?” Sydney whispers.
“Not until much later. Almost too much later.” The remaining color drains from Sydney’s face. “Should I not have said anything to you now?”
“I’m glad you did. I’ve thought about that night more than once over the years and wondered whether I was just projecting our distance,” Sydney says. “I am sorry you went through that alone. You got your answers?” Jamie nods. “I’m glad it worked out. Thank you for telling me.”
“Thank you for giving me the opportunity to.”
Sydney’s smile is shaky but genuine. Eddie returns to the table a few moments later.
“I’ve got another story,” Eddie says, falling into her seat. “The time this one delivered a baby!”
Jamie rolls his head back as Sydney laughs.
“Oh, do tell.”
“Sounds heavy,” Erin says. “But long overdue. You’re a good wife,” she adds to Eddie.
“She is,” Jamie confirms when Eddie shakes her head.
Frank smiles at his plate and nods to himself.
“Coffee with the missus and the ex. I couldn’t do it,” Danny says.
“That’s because your exes were trashy and even Linda had her limits,” Erin snorts.
Danny’s jaw drops as the table roars with laughter.
“I could use some back-up here!” Danny says, glancing at Frank on his right.
“You’re on your own, kid.”
“Taylor Swift. Nice,” Sean says, twirling lo mein on his fork.
Frank and Danny look humorously exasperated as Sean’s aunts and uncle erupt with laughter again. Henry, on the other hand, looks completely bewildered as he faces his great-grandson.
“Who?”