Work Text:
It had been a month since Leo disappeared and even longer since the last time Foolish saw them; the two often missed each other. All that time he regretted not spending as much time with them, not seeing them one last time, oblivious to what was going to follow if he didn’t.
When asked about it, he tried to act it off - he wasn’t someone to talk about his feelings therefore didn’t find a reason to do so at that moment. His focus was the other parents who were obviously grieving for their kids and needed support more than the totem showed to need.
He wouldn’t admit his silent suffering.
He was better, stronger than that.
It made sense for some people to think he genuinely didn’t care for Leo in the first place; most of them being the new islanders also wasn’t a surprise - they didn’t know him in that way, they didn’t know he didn’t visually grieve, so he couldn't blame them for calling him such things. That didn’t stop him from feeling anger because it was not true, he did care, but he never showed any of it - satisfying them would only make him weaker.
Besides, he couldn’t care about what others thought when his literal child was missing.
There was an internal battle between hoping that Leo was magically going to return and accepting they were gone forever. He didn't know what to feel or think about the whole situation so what emotion was he meant to show? He wasn’t good with them, why would he even try?
Many people didn’t understand him, nor wanted to, but Jaiden wasn’t one of them; she was the only one that understood him to some extent and if he had to trust an islander, he would trust her. He could even say she was his friend. And even then, even if she was the closest person he had after Leo, he would never talk about his feelings, he said he was fine. It didn’t matter how close they were - he didn't want to put his problems on her shoulders, she had to deal with enough already by people thinking of her as the enemy. Even if she wanted to help him, it would be pointless.
And she wasn’t stupid; she could see it.
Even Bad, who always found a way to make fun of him no matter the situation, seemed to sense his change of mood. Whenever the demon went out of his way to check up on him, then it meant shit wasn’t looking good. He’s known that the demon did that, multiple times even, but..
Had Foolish gotten there again?
At the end of the day it didn’t matter; at least it didn’t for the totem. Even if he were to think in that direction, his mind was already occupied with one thing only - his child. He needed Leo to return home and he would wait years if he had to until their familiar smile shone his way.
He would wait.. forever.
…
He hadn't talked with Cellbit since they built his castle; it was one of his favorite builds to work on not only because of the way it turned out but the company it gave him, unlike any other build he’s done. And finishing it all with Cellbit's amazing interior gave the building life.
Cellbit was a good and smart man, always trying to be there for his close ones. He’d never meant harm towards anyone and everything he did had a meaning behind it. And Foolish was trying to find that meaning in the latter’s last message as he headed towards the castle that he could see from very far away. The dark red forest below the hills and the goth vibe the sight had were breathtaking. Foolish stood on the broken bridge, observing.
‘can you come to the castle? I need your help.’
What could Cellbit possibly need his help for?
Sadly, when they finally met his questions weren’t answered; Cellbit led him further into the castle, asking about the totem’s day and other casual questions which sounded a little too concerned than usual, which was immediately a sign something would happen. He didn’t like it.
"You said you need help?" Foolish spoke after a beat of silence. "So.. what is it that I can do for you?"
"Yes, I do," Cellbit leaned on one of the shelves to his side. "I need to understand something, Foolish."
Well, he didn’t expect that. “And you need my help?” He scoffed. His tone had a joking undertone and for a fair reason. All Cellbit the last couple of days was looking over the evidence given about the missing children and so far nothing new came up, to the disappointment of him.
“Before you ask, it’s not about the kids.” There goes that. “I want to talk about you, specifically.” Cellbit continued further after the totem’s confused expression didn’t change one bit. “I- you see how the other parents are doing and the impact those photos have on their hopes to see their children again, myself included. One thing's for sure - they’re all sure we’ll find our kids. But you.. you haven’t said anything, not a hint.”
Foolish knew where this was going and mentally prepared himself for it. “What do you mean? I also believe Leo is going to come back, it’s going to be alright!” He patted Cellbit’s shoulder, using his most optimistic voice. He hoped for the latter to get fooled and drop the topic.
“I mean, I know as well, or so I believe, but this is not about me.” Cellbit bit his lip before signing. “How have you been lately? Asking out of curiosity. You seem as cheerful as always, but you’re worried about Leo, right? Even if you believe we’ll find them, it’s not for sure-"
“It’s not for sure we’ll find them soon, but I believe in you.” He put emphasis on ‘believe’, making him sound almost desperate which wasn’t far away from the truth. He took a step back, looking around instead of meeting Cellbit’s eyes. “I’ll just be waiting as usual, you know?”
“As usual? What does that mean? You’re waiting for something else..?” A pause. “Or someone?” The totem sometimes despised Cellbit’s ability to pick up on every little thing and making a conclusion out of thin air. No wonder he was a good detective, but Foolish was still a good actor.
“No, not really. I meant in general, you know - aren’t we all waiting for something?” Oh, how ominous those words must’ve sounded from Cellbit’s perspective and how much it hurt the totem simply to say them - the fact it was a lie made him feel a little better, but that was it.
His life must’ve seemed perfect and, truly, it was at the beginning; he had a loving partner, an amazing child, a beautiful home and riches little a few had ever seen, less touched - for a short amount of time, he had it all, he’d succeeded in this life. But, obviously, what did having those belongings mean without someone to share them with, someone to be happy with. Without the laughter echoing in his usually empty home, the quartz walls didn’t shine as much and such an atmosphere wasn’t something Foolish was used to; it was quite unknown to him.
Loneliness wasn’t a new one, but the feeling of not wanting to be alone was a new one.
It tightened his heart.
“Not wrong, not at all,” He almost forgot he was with someone - Cellbit, of all people - before the latter spoke. “But that doesn’t answer my question.” He gave the totem a bare analyzing look, meaning he’d realized that the totem was thinking of something else and would definitely be questioned later about it, possibly. Please no. “We’re all distraught and grieving - no one would criticize you for feeling the same.
Everyone is grieving, so why should I be?
He was the people’s sun when things got dark and miserable, he was the comforting warmth a reassuring hug would provide; he was meant to be fine. And he was, truly - even if his life was slipping through his fingers, even if his accomplishments felt like a waste of time.
It was fine. I’m fine.
“But I’m fine, Cellbit.” The totem gritted his teeth the slightest bit. “I miss Leo a lot, but I’m pretty sure we’re going to find them and all the other children - like I said, I believe in you.” Maybe he shouldn’t rely so much on someone else. “Everything is going to be back to..”
He didn’t finish his sentence - he was sick of lying.
His life had never been considered normal, even from an outsider point of view. He was not normal, the stuff he had to deal with everyday wasn’t normal, nothing on the island was normal in the first place. The most normal thing anyone could feel was joy and the totem wanted to both tattoo the stupid word on his brain and throw it far away from his vocabulary. Because that joy was mostly caused by someone’s suffering - his own suffering.
He’d always presented happiness in every shape and form, or at least something close to it, so of course suffering was part of it; people were cruel. It would be rather weird to see the happy guy not happy, wouldn’t it? Which was why he bottled everything in - it felt right and gave him a false sense of security, in a way. Emotions meant weakness and in a world filled with hypocrites the last thing Foolish wanted was to look weak, miserable and laughable at. Not in a world where he had to be strong, where suffering was comedy, where punishment was almost nonexistent.
He had been doing that since the start - putting a smile for the danger meant he could handle the situation and he wasn’t bothered. It was a tactic - a smile caused so much more fear than an emotionless face. It made him confident and nonchalant, much better than neutral.
Even though he wasn’t a warrior anymore that didn’t mean he didn’t have enemies, invincible ones - his emotions. They were his weakness, the thing he was truly terrified of. They were unpredictable even if they belonged to his mind and a lot of times he didn’t know how to control them, but if he couldn’t control himself, how was he supposed to protect himself from others’ attempts to control him? It meant he had to keep it together all the time - for the people he loved and cared about him, and the few ones that cared about him. Which, at that point, were only a few.
Cellbit was an unexpected addition.
Speaking of Cellbit, he was patiently observing him with nothing but pure fondness.. and a little bit of pity. He couldn’t blame him for thinking he needed pity, sadly. It put him on edge when the latter took a step forward. “Nothing on this island is normal, I know. But, again - it’s okay to be–"
“No, it’s fucking not–!”
The words came out as harsh and poisonous as they had echoed in the totem’s skull, practically begging to come out. Because he was sick of lying– but it made him vulnerable. He could feel the internal battle within him evolving - he wished he could push it away but it wasn’t easy.
He realized too late he’d voiced out his thoughts. “Or maybe it is, I don’t know..”
“You don’t mean that.” Cellbit caught onto the lie immediately. “Why do you not care? Who made you this way?”
Foolish broke the eye-contact he’d been maintaining for the most part and before he realized it, the latter had grabbed his chin, making their eyes meet - emerald green to warm brown; they screamed determination and he was sure Cellbit was going to do everything in his power to get his answers. Which he didn’t want to let happen under any condition - the latter didn’t deserve to deal with his own problems and internal issues. Fears.
“I’ve always been like this, nothing has changed.. Did I change?”
Cellbit didn’t answer for a second. “You have, you stopped being honest with us. Does that mean we can’t trust you anymore? Does that mean I can’t? Should I trust you when you refuse to tell me the truth about something as simple as how you feel? Why are you ignoring me?”
“I– I’m not! And of course you can trust me!” The detective had let go of the totem’s chin by then, giving Foolish room to shake his head in disbelief as he heard that insane assumption. “Cellbit, have I ever betrayed you? No! In fact, you’re one of the only people I’m being fully honest to.”
“Like now?" Cellbit scoffed. “Yet you still refuse to talk to me. Tell me, do you trust me?”
“Cellbit!” Foolish shouted, frustration traveling through his entire body, veins filled with hot blood. “Just– you’re driving me insane - yes, you can trust me and yes, I trust you, but that doesn’t mean I have to tell you everything ever. You.. I thought you’d understand, for once..”
The latter’s face slowly softened as he digested Foolish’s words. “Oh.. yeah, I– I’m sorry, you’re right.” He took a deep breath, running a hand through his hair. “Okay, let’s start this over. Why do you not want to talk about this? Just why, no need to tell me anything about the thing itself.”
I’m treated like a child. But maybe that was what he needed, maybe he needed others to talk to him in little and simpler words so he could understand, in a slower tempo so he had time to process. Maybe he simply needed to be heard without judgment. And he had the opportunity.
“I.. don’t know how to feel most of the time and that scares me sometimes.” He began. “The thought of not understanding my own mind terrifies me because everyone could use that to their advantage. I’m not good with emotions, like you are, and that makes me just.. so weak.”
“Emotions are confusing themselves but that doesn’t make you weak in any way.” Cellbit furrowed his eyebrows.
“But it does - it makes you appear weak, emotions as a whole do that, don’t they? It reveals that you have a heart that can care, love and cry. That’s what everyone’s waiting for.” The totem stared down at the ground. “But at the same time, I love making you laugh. I can’t be sad..”
“I– Foolish, emotions are something everyone has, first. It’s not something we just can’t have or avoid and having them simply means you’re just human. And being human means being a good person - you’re a good person. Second, grieving won’t make you weak, I promise.”
The totem sniffed, a single tear tingling his cheek, then another.. and another until he was fully crying. "I–” He tried to talk but his voice cracked and that was his sign to stop and turned around - Cellbit couldn’t possibly see him like this, see him drop his guard, see him breaking down.
Everything recently has been too much - his daughter was forcibly taken away from him, he hadn’t heard from his partner in months - he didn’t even know if he was healthy or even alive.. and, on top of that, all the daily internal problems he had to ignore; he always has. He ignored the way everyone thought he was not a trusting person, calling him false names - a cheater, someone that didn’t deserve respect. How was that fair?
And then Mouse had told him that he didn’t care about his own child and something within him broke. Was that the final string holding his heart above the same void of sadness and despair as the one everyone else had fallen in after the children’s disappearance? It could be, or maybe it was one of the least. Because he didn’t lose it right away - he’d switched the topic instead, trying to think of everything but that; it hadn’t worked.
He lost it when he was directly confronted about it without warning.
The totem expected Cellbit to leave him and then he himself was going to go back home and both would act like nothing had happened, or maybe he would be kicked out as he should be. Though, instead of either of those, he felt two arms wrap around his sunken shoulders, in the warmest and most assuring hug he’d felt in a while, maybe ever in his life. He wrapped his own arms around Cellbit without a second thought.
They stood like that for what felt like forever - their body heat creating nice warmth between them - before Cellbit finally pulled away, looking Foolish dead in the eyes. “It’s hard and that’s okay. I mean everything I said earlier and know that if you feel comfortable talking with me, then feel free to do so anytime.” He put his hands on the totem’s shoulders. “You are stronger than many, and I've met a lot of people. To hold your emotions back so well, even if I don’t know what they are, is not an easy thing but it’s also really bad so I want you to not do it anymore - just talk.”
He took a deep breath. “Okay.. okay. Thank you, Cellbit. I.. I just miss Leo. They’re the only reason I’m still keeping it together, really.” He chuckled hollowly. “I’ve wanted to destroy and kill everything my eyes landed on - there have been so many times when I would’ve done so without thinking of the consequences, but I never did. It’s for them, I don’t have the heart to take away everything that makes them happy - their siblings, friends, our adventures, builds. When Leo’s happiness is on the line, I’m not a monster, Cellbit. Sadly, I care too much.”
Foolish didn’t expect the words to come out so easily from his mouth, to sound so honest. He wouldn’t lie, his soul felt much lighter and his breathing wasn’t as deep. He hoped that after he’d been finally honest to Cellbit, the latter understood what he meant and accepted it.
Which, guessing by his smile, seemed to be the case.
“I can’t believe there are people who say you don’t care about Leo.” Cellbit suddenly spoke, leaning against the wall behind him. “I understand what you mean, though, we haven’t always been.. good with you. I want to apologize for that. You deserve to be treated much better.”
“I suppose it’s fine. I just want Leo to come back.”
“They will come back, and the other kids.” It didn’t sound like a question but more like a fact - Cellbit’s determination gave him confidence that he was right, that his child would return no matter what or when. “I miss Richas a lot, as well.. It’s been so different without them.”
“Yeah..” Foolish stared at the ceiling. “How have you been? Things are good with Roier?”
“I’ve been good, as good as I can be. Roier.. he’s good too, though he’s handling the kid’s absence worse than me.. I get it.” Cellbit frowned, though his face cleared a few seconds later. “Our relationship is doing good, if you mean that..” He turned his head to the side.
“It’s going to be alright.”
They chuckled to themselves. Huh..